Dear Webby: Rex X in forwards 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 31, 2007
Happy Halloween!

A man's silence is wonderful to listen to. --- Thomas Hardy The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. --- Bill Nye
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts"
Thanks to great Granny Vi for this story: Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side. "Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked. "Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."

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Reisha heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. Reisha came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" Reisha said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked," Pasteurized?" Reisha said, "No. Just up to my breasts." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk in Hamburg, Germany Fake Victim October 29, 2007 - Hamburg, Germany - Ananova A man who fell asleep on a train after a Halloween fancy dress party prompted a police investigation in Germany. Joerg Reichter, 24, had gone to the party dressed as a murder victim and had painted fake blood over his face and hands. But he passed out on the train back home after the boozy party in Hamburg and worried passengers called the police. A police spokesman said: "His costume made him look like the victim of a serious assault as he appeared to be bleeding from the face and hands, and worried passengers called us up. "But when they got there our officers realised what had happened and woke him up. They got him to take the fake blood and wounds off so there would be no more misunderstandings." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2573750.html?menu=

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wayne Re: Red X Dear Webby, This is a tech question. My sister quite often sends me very interesting attachments with pictures that I cannot open. They all have the small white box with a red X in it. I've attached the last e-mail she sent as an example. It the problem on her end when sending it or on my end when opening it? I'm assuming it is on her in since I have no trouble opening and viewing attachments and pictures from anyone else. Thanks for your help. Dear Wayne Most likely your sister is handicapping herself with Outlook Depressed. I don't have a clue about that program. Suggest to her to write to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

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An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. A man in his forties said he would play with him and would even give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "Thanks, but I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the two men were within two strokes of each other. Then it happened. The old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Grumbling as he stepped into the sand trap, he then hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole. The younger man was impressed and puzzled. "Nice shot but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the old man, "I do! Please give me a hand."

Deeli's Kudos October 29, 2007 - Chester, UK - Ananova A golfer who took part in a charity game with three clubs ended up getting two holes-in-one. Amateur golfer Phil Walker had only two irons and a putter but got his first hole-in-one at the sixth hole. His friends were gobsmacked when he got a second hole-in-one at the 17th at Mollington Golf Club, Chester. Phil, 52, told the Daily Mirror: "You wait all your life for a hole-in-one, then two come along all at once. "Usually, I end up in the water on the 17th, so just to hit the green would have done me - but to hole it!" http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2573633.html?menu=

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Washing a Mattress Mix 1/2 teaspoon liquid dishwashing detergent with 1 quart of water and use it to scrub the mattress. Use as little water as possible to avoid mildew problems. Let the mattress dry thoroughly before putting the sheets back on the mattress. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sam is over at Anni's house after meeting her parents for the very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law. Sam turned to Anni's mother and remarked, "These are excellent fishcakes." Anni pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hugh McMahon Funkins
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Camera Deals 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 30, 2007

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. --- Laurence J. Peter The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. --- Fran Lebowitz
Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body. After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded. "It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth." "Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!"
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

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A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag. A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!" All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again.... Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dawn Nyberg, 32, of Blaine, Minnesota In a fix now! October 27, 2007 - Minneapolis, Minnesota - AP A former court clerk is in a fix. She's charged with fixing 73 of her own parking tickets to avoid paying $5,112 in fines and late fees. Dawn Nyberg, 32, of Blaine, was charged with theft by swindle of public funds, forgery, and misconduct by a public officer. The first two charges are felonies; the last is a misdemeanour. Hennepin County District Court Administrator Mark Thompson said he had not seen anything similar in his 13 years with the court. Nyberg's tickets were issued near the Hennepin County Government Center, averaging one every 10 days over two years. "The presumption is she was parking the car around here and coming into work," Assistant Hennepin County Attorney Tom Fabel said. The complaint alleges Nyberg used her access to a county computer system to expunge her citations or enter incorrect information about her vehicle. Most times, Nyberg used her personal login, but sometimes she used other employees' names, the complaint said. Nyberg paid no fines on any citations except the final two tickets, which she paid when she resigned June 25, 10 days after the trouble came to light. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0710 ... fixing_fix
Thanks to Roland for bringing back this classic:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: Camera deals Dear Webby, Thanks for all your great advice and jokes. I remember your suggestion to get a top of the line camera that's 1-2 years old for finding a quality camera at a good price. I'm trying to do that, but don't know where to start to find these old "top of the line" cameras. Can you tell me somewhere I can start looking. Any good suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Chuck Dear Chuck Try http://cameras.pricegrabber.com/digital ... rshot/rd=1 Camera Deals http://snipurl.com/1sw0h Have FUN! DearWebby

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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?" "Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to ask her a question." St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary! The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?" "Well", says Mother Mary, "to tell the truth, I was really hoping for a girl."

Deeli's Kudos October 29, 2007 - Chicago, Illinois - AP It was 1947 when newlyweds Larry and Mariam Orenstein honeymooned in Chicago, paying just under $10 a night for a room at The Palmer House. Six decades later, the couple stayed in the hotel's penthouse suite for the same price — part of an offer for long-ago patrons. The Palmer House allows one-time guests who visited more than 50 years ago to stay at the historic hotel for the price of their original stay — provided guests can submit an original receipt. The Orenstein's room goes for $1,600 today. The Milwaukee-area residents, both 81, saved their hotel bill, along with other items from their wedding. ''I feel wonderful,'' Larry Orenstein told the Chicago Sun-Times at the ornate, downtown hotel. ''I feel 2 years old.'' The long-running deal at the 136-year-old hotel has been offered to guests since 1925. But customers have taken advantage of the offer fewer than 10 times over the last 25 years, said hotel spokesman Ken Price. In the end, the Orensteins did not even have to pay the $10-a-night bill. As a gift, their 12-year-old grandson, Ze Orenstein, footed the bill. http://www.happynews.com/news/10292007/ ... tay-10.htm

TRICK OR TREATING BY STAR SIGN Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Costume: TV Set Get large cardboard box and cut out the bottom for your legs and three holes for your arms and head. Paint the box to look like a television set. You can cut out a picture from a movie poster to put where the screen should be. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman asked, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just bwoke my goddang cookies!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Ghost research pictures
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Anti-Virus for old versions of Windows 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 29, 2007

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. --- William Hazlitt ------------------------ Sounds like poor William never had a dog! I have had dogs that showed more genuine emotion than a whole herd of politiicans. DearWebby
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?" "Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."
A real smooth talker who prided himself on being the ladies man finally met his match one night. The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and that he would inherit over ten million dollars. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local bar, where he just happened to see a drop dead gorgeous long legged woman. Of course, he couldn't wait to work his charms on her and indeed she was so interested in him, they went back to his house together. The next day she became his soon-to-be rich stepmother.

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I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitdchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to License Plate protesters in Beijing, China Dirty Minds? October 13, 2007 - Beijing, China - Reuters Some Beijing motorists are flushed with anger over new license plate numbers that contain the letter combination "WC", saying it gives them "unpleasant images". Along with "okay", "hello" and "bye-bye", the abbreviation for the Victorian "Water Closet", or toilet, has became one of the most well-known English expressions in China. Despite being on a jargon hitlist of Olympic organizers, who plan to replace the "WC" with the more bog-standard "toilet", it remains all-too-vivid for some of the 800 Bejing car owners issued with the initials on their license plates. Authorities, however, were not sympathetic. "We will not change our policy," a policeman in charge of issuing license plates said. English initials on car-plates have previously proved to be problematic in China, where homonyms and abbreviations occasionally have unexpected associations in Mandarin. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/w ... a4560.html
Thanks to Sandie for these pictures of her powderpuff bush:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cathi Re: Anti Virus for ME Dear Webby, I have Windows Me on my computer. It's old and cannot handle any more recent version. Now it turns out that McAfee no longer updates the virus protection for it. Do you you have any suggestions? I don't want to buy a new computer and I'd still like to be able to go online safely. Cathi Dear Cathi Try Avast Home http://www.avast.com/eng/avast_4_home.html Have FUN! DearWebby

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Sherry the secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you" "Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile....."

Deeli's Kudos October 13, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP A tiger species thought to be extinct in the wild for more than two decades has been photographed by a farmer in northwest China, state media reports. The South China tiger, an endangered tiger subspecies believed to have died out in the wild, was spotted in a mountainous area, the China Daily said. The tiger was photographed by a farmer on Oct. 3. Experts confirmed that it was a young South China tiger, the newspaper quoted Shaanxi Forestry Administration Bureau Deputy Director Zhu Julong as saying. "After careful examination, experts confirmed the authenticity of the photos. That means the tiger has been found again after more than 20 years," Zhu said. The South China tiger is one of the world's smallest and the only tiger subspecies native to China's central and southern areas, the official Xinhua News Agency said. There are 68 of the tigers in zoos in China, the newspaper said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0710 ... rare_tiger

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Deck of Cards Kids can play Go Fish, War, Old Maid, Crazy Eights, Solitaire, and other simple games. Cards can also be used to build card houses or to do magic tricks. Check out a book of card games at the library and kids can entertain themselves for hours. Keep in mind that SOME kids absolutely do not like cards. I remember building one card house, and then sneaking off to the basement and building bird houses from cut ends of boards I had gotten from a nearby construction site. From then on I knew that, whenever the cards came out, I could build anything I wanted, and they would not bother me for hours. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Samhain, A Celtic Tradition
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Convert pictures to thumbnails 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 28, 2007

Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. --- James Dean You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." --- Plato:
Thanks to Vickey for this story: This cowboy was out looking for a job one day. He stopped at a ranchers house to ask the rancher for a job. This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but he's wearing tennis shoes. Guess I'll see what he can do." So the rancher tells the cowboy. "OK, let's see what you can do. Go rope that calf over there and brand it." The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him. Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking stallion in a corral. This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen. After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy hand the rancher a tame horse. This rancher is IMPRESSED now. "OK, son you got the job. There's just one question I gotta ask you. You rope and ride real well and you look mostly like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes. Why don't you wear cowboy boots instead of tennis shoes?" The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots, but then people would think I was a trucker!"
Boudreaux and Rodrigue are out in one of Louisiana's Cajun country swamps when Rodrigue falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Boudreaux takes out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. "My friend is dead. He jus' pass out. What can I do?" The operator says in a calm soothing voice, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a long silence, then the operator hears a shot. Boudreaux's voice comes back on the line. "Okay," he says. "Now what?"

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Bonehead in Tulsa, Oklahoma Fell off the wagon October 13, 2007 - Tulsa, Oklahoma - AP Some fashion statements draw more attention than others, and wearing handcuffs while walking near the Tulsa County Courthouse is one that got noticed. A man wearing a pair of handcuffs on one wrist drew the attention of passersby Friday, who contacted law officers. But it turns out it was just his idea of a fashion statement, said sheriff's Sgt. Jody Britt. The man, whose name was not released, was wearing Goth clothing, with one end of the handcuffs on his wrist and the other end dangling, making it appear as if he had escaped custody, Britt said. "Wearing a set of handcuffs near a courthouse is not exactly the most intelligent thing you could do," Britt said. Deputies stopped the man and checked for warrants. None were found, and he was released. http://cbs5.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 21405.html
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." Water bomber scooping water on Big Bear lake, California
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Thumbnails to save disk space Dear Webby I have heard that it takes a lot of space on my computer to have pictures of family and friends in folders and that I should make thumbnails instead. Is this true? Thanks. I enjoy your Humor Letter very much. Carolyn Dear Carolyn Whoever told you that nonsense, should be put on a strict diet of Smarties, and should not allowed out of the funny farm without competent supervision. There is probably a lot of useless stuff on your computer, that can be dumped, and replaced if needed. However, pictures of your friends and family can not be replaced. They have more rights to be on your computer and on your back-up than ANY of the replaceable crap. Especially silly games that can be downloaded again. You can always get a second hard drive cheap. But pictures of friends and relatives are not replaceable. I make thumbnails IN ADDITION to the regular size pictures, to make menuing and sorting easier, but I never reduce good pictures to thumbnail size without keeping them in original or at least regular size. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna really mess your drawers when you hear the price."

Deeli's Kudos October 11, 2007 - London, UK - AFP British adventurer Jason Lewis on Saturday arrived in Greenwich, south-east London, ending a 13-year round-the-world trip using only the power of the human body. The 40-year-old completed the final leg of his 46,000-mile (74,000-kilometre) odyssey by pedalling his 26-foot (7.9-metre) boat Moksha up the River Thames. During his circumnavigation, he capsized in the North Atlantic Ocean, broke both legs, was chased by a crocodile in Australia and arrested on suspicion of spying in Egypt and threatened with a 40-year prison sentence. Bearded and looking tired, a clearly emotional Lewis crossed the Greenwich Meridian line at the Royal Observatory by carrying his boat with the help of supporters and cheering well-wishers. Lewis set off from the same spot -- zero degrees longitude -- bound for Portugal in July 1994. The 16-leg journey also included biking, kayaking and hiking. "It feels fantastic. I came over the line and I was choked. I blubbed (cried) like a baby," he told reporters. "Everything I've been doing for the last 13 years has been in some way connected to this trip and tomorrow that will be no more." Lewis, from Dorset in south-west England, said he planned to rest this weekend before embarking on a career organising "mini-expeditions" for young people and giving talks about climate change. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071006/lf ... 1006174058

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Extra Measuring Cups with Ingredients I have extra measuring cups and spoons and I put the appropriate measure into the container for items like flours, sugars, oatmeal, etc., and leave them there. Saves time and washing, and extra mess because I can keep the bowls over the container while measuring. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sammy, a little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," Sammy responded immediately. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," Sammy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: .... 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Pumpkin Carving
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Dear Webby: Why not AOL? 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 27, 2007

If you command wisely, you'll be obeyed cheerfully. --- Thomas Fuller Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. --James Dean
Thanks to LLLido for this story: John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Thanks to Sandie for this story: One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had only gone a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign that read, "Ice: 10 Miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign that said, "Ice: 5 Miles." The next one read, "Ice: 1/2 Mile." We practically crept that half-mile. We finally came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store and it said, "Ice: 75 Cents."

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Thanks to Connie for this story: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a shoplifting drunk in Kukwonago, Wisconsin Fell off the wagon October 25, 2007 - Kukwonago, Wisconsin - AP A man told police he couldn't help himself when he took seven bottles of a spiked lemonade drink from the shelf at a Wal-Mart Supercenter and drank them in the liquor aisle. Police Chief Fred Winchowky said the 43-year-old town man claimed he was a recovering alcoholic and had been dry for 16 months before he went to the store October 14th with his wife, who was not aware of what he was doing. "He went down that aisle and he said 'I just couldn't control myself,'" Winchowky said. "He stated he was upset he broke his 16-month streak and he didn't know how he was going to tell his wife." The chief said security video caught the man drinking the 12-ounce bottles of Jack Daniels Lynchburg Lemonade over a 15-minute period. He placed the empty bottles back on the shelf. Confronted by a store official, he first denied it but smelled of intoxicants, Winchowky said. The man was cited for retail theft. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Mission Viejo Fires
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Matt Re: Why not AOL Dear Webby I have started a business and a good friend suggested that I dump my AOL address like it was hot coals, not just a hot potato, and that I should ask you why. He said he was not capable of being diplomatic on that topic. So, what's the story? Matt Dear Matt I too find it very difficult to be diplomatic on that topic. AOL email is absolutely unreliable, because you never know from one day to the next whom they are going to block. If they bounce your phone bill a month before your long planned special sale, you could get extremely annoyed. Some companies flat out refuse to do business with you, if you don't have a reliable address. An AOL address is not considered a reliable address. I realize that there are a handful of good people on AOL, but it's AOL's postmaster and the 9 Million other AOLers, who give them a bad name. When you show up with an AOL address, don't expect any respect. Expect to hear snickering behind your back. Some people know that AOL is bad for them, but they like the warm feeling they get from being part of the AOL community, just like some babies enjoy the warm feeling they get from messing their diapers. If you are addicted to that warm feeling, get a reliable address on the side for anything that is really important or related to your business. The most respect you get, of course, with an address based on your business web site. If you don't have one yet, get a gmail address. People know it is an assumed screen alias, but because gmail is reliable, they respect it. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was. His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good time."

Deeli's Kudos man was convicted of trying to rob a west Georgia bank after a jury discovered the impression of a holdup note that the prosecution was unaware of. Darius K. Heard, 29, of Fayetteville was sentenced Thursday to 16 years in prison for attempted robbery, fleeing officers and reckless driving. A co-defendant, Reamon D. Mapp, 25, of Austell, was s entenced to 10 years after pleading guilty to attempted robbery, fleeing officers and possession of cocaine. Heard was convicted of an April 11 robbery attempt at the RBC Centura bank in Hogansville after jurors at his trial found the outline of a holdup note pressed into the blank pages of a notebook that was seized from the car in which he and Mapp were arrested. When the two were stopped after a high-speed chase, police found two partially written notes on the vehicle's center console. One read, "This is a robbery so don't panic because if you do you could put," and stopped in mid-sentence. The other note said, "This." A notebook on the floorboard contained only blank pages, but when jurors examined it during deliberations they could see indentations of a complete holdup note. http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/ ... _1012.html

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Beer For Slugs Bury a plastic container in the ground near plants that you want to protect from slugs so that the rim of the container is at ground level. Then pour some beer, the cheaper the better, into the container. In no time, you will start to see slugs meeting their end in the beer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look just too tight? I think I'm fine but I can see you won't co-operate with me; The way you let the shadows play, You'd think my hair was getting grey What's that, you say? A double chin? No, that's the way the light comes in; If you persist in peering so, You'll confiscate my facial glow, And then if you're not hanging straight, You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight; I'm really quite upset with you, For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise... O, look what's happened to my thighs! I warn you now, O mirrored wall, Since we're not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Carvings of Patrick Moser
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Dear Webby: Perfume Hoax Mail 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  October 26, 2007

Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!


In order to do what really matters to you, you have to, first of all, know what really matters to you." --- Dr. Edward Hallowell:
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Thanks to Bob for this report: My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains...."

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Keli said, "I met the best-looking guy! He's gorgeous, but he doesn't say much. He's very quiet." Anni asked, "Did you check to see if he needs the battery replaced??" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Belgian Railways Punctuality more important than a life 25 October, 2007 - Belgium - Ananova A Belgian man who stopped an old woman being crushed in train doors as she got onto a train was handed a £40 pound fine for causing a delay. Daniel Dewulf from Ostend was given the fine by a conductor after he pulled open the train doors after they closed on the elderly lady as she tried to get on. He said: "I heard the conductor's whistle just as I got on the train and then realised someone else was trying to get on. The doors had closed on the elderly woman, trapping her. "In order to prevent a tragedy I pushed the door open and helped her get in. She thanked me profusely. But the conductor gave me a fine because he said my actions increased the chance of a delay. "He wasn't interested when I tried to explain to him that I had only opened the doors to try and save an old woman's life." Belgian Railways has now apologised to Dewulf and a spokesman said: "We should have fined the woman in question for boarding the train after the whistle." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2567094.html?menu=
Now that is some REAL pollution!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Fwd.:Be Aware Please read this. It is no joke. Here is the e-mail I was sent: Dear Friends: I know not all of you are women that I am sending this to, but am hoping you will share this with your wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, etc. Our world seems to be getting crazier by the day. Pipe bombs in mail boxes and sickos in parking lots with perfume. Be careful. I was approached yesterday afternoon aro und 5:30 PM in the Wal-Mart parking lot by two men asking what kind of perfume I .......... Dear Fred Forget it. That is an ancient hoax. You can read up on it even at Snopes. There is no gas that is so potent that it can knock you out with just the tiny amount that can be put into a stack of scratch cards. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. "What's the matter child?" he asks. "Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic." "There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around." Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing. "Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father." "Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?" "Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."

Deeli's Kudos October 25, 2007 - Muncie, Indiana - AP A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says. Shannon Conwell, 33, said he and his 9-year-old son fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie. They awoke about 3 a.m. Friday to find their home on fire after hearing the family's Amazon parrot, Peanut, imitating a fire alarm. ''He was really screaming his head off,'' Conwell said. The smoke alarm had activated, but it was the bird's call that caught Conwell's attention. ''I grabbed my son and my bird, and got out of the house,'' he said. The fire destroyed the home's dining room, kitchen and bedroom, Muncie fire officials said. Conwell said the fact that he and his son fell asleep on the couch helped save them. They may not have heard the alarm or the bird if they were asleep in their bedrooms. Conwell said he runs an air conditioner and a breathing machine in his bedroom and they drown out a lot of noise around the house. http://www.happynews.com/news/10252007/ ... family.htm

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tennis Ball In The Garage Are you worried about a young driver (or yourself) driving through the back wall of you garage? Hang a tennis ball from the ceiling of the garage. Position the tennis ball to hit the windshield when the car is pulled in far enough. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams and wanted to know what he should do next. His mother suggested, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great idea and arranged a date for the next weekend. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. He moaned, "Oh, mom, the evening was a complete disaster." His mother said, "Why, didn't she come over?" And the young man said, "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook . . ."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Free Books
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Dear Webby: Assign sounds to events 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  October 25, 2007

Wear something red tomorrow to show your support for the troops!


Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. --- Don Marquis Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. --- Jonathan Winters
Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though. One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis. Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right. "So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."
Man to Ticket Agent: I want to buy a bus ticket for Norwald. Ticket Agent, Searching Book: Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald, anyway? Man: Over there. He's my brother-in-law.

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Two Jews had businesses on the same street. One had customers coming and going and the other, well, maybe two or three a day. Finally, Morris, whose business was doing badly, decided to visit Shapiro, who was doing very well. Going in the door, he saw a large banner over the entrance which read : "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE." Morris wanted to know why Shapiro was going out of business, since he seemed to be doing so well. Shapiro confided, "That sign has been in my window for almost eight months. If I took it down, I would go out of business." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Priest Manuel Raul Ortega in Monterrey, Mexico Not a shining example! October 12, 2007 - Monterrey, Mexico - Reuters A Mexican priest briefly ended up behind bars after punching a policemen who caught him driving drunkenly through the streets of the northern city of Monterrey. Priest Manuel Raul Ortega, who was not wearing clerical dress but was clutching a prayer book when captured, launched himself at the traffic cop who pulled him over earlier this week. "The individual became very violent because they were going to tow away his car. He attacked a policeman and was taken away," said transit department spokesman Hector Lozano on Thursday. Ortega's papers identified him as a priest. He was released a few hours after his arrest after paying the fines for his offenses. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0710 ... _priest_dc
Thanks to JRC for sending this picture titled "Newfie Cab". Howeverr, wit a haxent like tat, I tink the driverr of tat cab is a Quebecois, not a Newfie.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: Assigning Sounds to events hello my friend, there used to be a program that let you choose what sounds you wanted to add to your " program events " it had explosions,rifle shots,etc,etc,etc. do you know the name of it ? thanks, daniel, Dear Daniel Go into Control Panel Sounds and Audio Sounds In there you can assign any sounds you want to any event you want. There are tons of sounds included, and you can also use additional ones from your own collection. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Sometimes you will cry, and no one will see your tears Sometimes you will laugh, and no one will see you smile Sometimes you will fear, and no one will see you shudder Sometimes you will fall, and no one sees you struggle Sometimes you will be late, and no one seems to notice But fart just one time...

Deeli's Kudos October 24, 2007 - World - Gimundo "Panties For Peace Movement" Women all over the planet have found a unique tool to protest the brutal military regime in Myanmar (formerly Burma). Their secret weapon? Underwear. Thongs, polka-dots, or Granny panties, with tags from Target or Victoria's Secret – the style and brand don't matter one bit. According to the UK's Daily Mail, the superstitious leaders of the military junta in Myanmar believe that any physical contact with a pair of women's panties will "rob them of their power." So, a protest group called Lanna Action for Burma has banded together with the aim of getting women from every nation to send some of their unmentionables to the Myanmar embassies within their home countries. The name of the mission is, of course, "Panties for Peace." And while the mailbags full of lacy delicates may not flat-out end the fighting, it serves as "an extremely strong message in Burmese and in all Southeast Asian culture," activist Liz Hilton told the Daily Mail. If you want to join in the panty protest, just pick up a pair or two and visit lannaactionforburma.blogspot.com for details. Learn more. (Daily Mail) http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/6 ... _to_Peace?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Donate Old Magazines Give your old magazines to hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, schools or clinics. Schools need magazines for research and for children to cut pictures out of. Anywhere there is a waiting room there are people hoping for something to read. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 99 and 44 100s % Pure
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Dear Webby: Is CrapCleaner safe? 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 24, 2007

When you come right down to it, the secret of having it all is loving it all. --- Dr. Joyce Brothers The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. --- Foster's Law
I was thinking about digging up this old classic pre-halloween story, when Sandie mailed it to me: This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro, Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's indeed real. An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barley see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town. Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps. They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the rain.'
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? " "Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"

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"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor...." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the council in Slough, Berkshire, UK from the frying pan into the fire October 20, 2007 - Slough, Berkshire, UK - The Sun A bonfire night party has been banned by council chiefs because it breaches their new clean-air policy. They claimed it would be hypocritical to go ahead with the annual civic event in Slough. But disappointed locals said it was health and safety gone mad. Just weeks ago it launched a "Cleaner, Safer, Greener Slough" campaign - with the pledge it would "protect the air you breathe". Events manager Susan Duncan said: "We all have a responsibility to look after our environment as it is so important, so we have decided not to have a bonfire again. "But there will be a fantastic fireworks display and other entertainment for residents to enjoy and celebrate the night." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2559963.html?menu= --------------- What a bunch of idiots! A natural bonfire harms the environment a LOT less than a "fantastic fireworks display".
From the forest fire at Green Valley Lake, California One of the lucky houses Interesting, aside from the melted siding, is the top window. I increased brightness and contrast, but didn't retouch it. Many houses there were not so lucky. 20 pictures from the Green Valley Lake forest fire are at http://snipurl.com/1smlw
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerry Re: Is CrapCleaner safe Hi... I sent you an E-Mail last week and did'nt recive any reply... So, Guess I'll thy again... Can you tell me anything about the CrapCleaner... I've downloaded it,from your site here...but I don't want to use it unless I know its safe... Well it delete my files and/or programs that are on my Desktop ??? Thank You for any info... --- Jerry --- Dear Jerry Crap Cleaner is perfectly safe. It will just delete useless crap. If you are using cookies to sign in at the bank and places like that, take the checkmark off the cookies. Then it will leave those alone. It will show you first what it has found that is useless crap. You can look that over and un-check stuff if you think you might need it. CrapCleaner will remember your preferences and next time not suggest anything that you had unchecked the last time. Quite often, if your machine slows down and gets close to stalling, running CrapCleaner will get things moving again and speed up the machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it!!!"

Deeli's Kudos October 14, 2007 - Idaho Falls, Idaho - Ananova A US man spent four years waiting for a new kidney - only to find a donor through a chance knock on his door. Travelling salesman Jamie Howard offered up one of his kidneys after asking Paul Sucher why he couldn't afford a new vacuum cleaner. "It was something I was called to do," Mr. Howard, 35, told Idaho's Times-News newspaper. Mr. Sucher, who had spent three years having dialysis, now says he feels as healthy as before his kidneys failed. Both Mr. Sucher's kidneys failed in 2004 because of high blood pressure. And while his name went on a donor waiting list at the University of Colorado, he barely moved up the list in two-and-a-half years. "You're waiting for a dead man's kidney," he said. "There's never enough." That all changed when Mr. Howard, an Idaho Falls-based vacuum cleaner salesman, knocked on the Sucher's front door. But it was far from simple convincing the Colorado doctors to accept Mr. Howard as a donor. They suspected money had changed hands. Eventually doctors were convinced when Mr. Sucher pointed out the only people making money from the £125,000 operation were the surgical team. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2548956.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Teriyaki Marinade for Tender Beef Chuck Use a bottled chicken teriyaki marinade along with green, orange, yellow, and red bell peppers, one medium white onion, lemon herb, and steak seasoning. Cook with medium-low heat on stove for about 30 to 45 min. Make sure to marinate in a closed container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Getting an IE6 shortcut 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 23, 2007

There comes a moment when you have to stop revving up the car and shove it into gear. --- David Mahoney
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning routine and rushed out. In the van though, I realized I had time to stop for a take-out coffee. I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find that I had not only left it running, but had locked it too! The day was going from bad to worse. I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom. I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..." "I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can go fetch a locksmith riding your broom and be back so fast." "No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on inside out."
Upon retiring from the service, Don, needed a new ID card showing he had gone from active duty to retirement status. But the photo taken of him was not particularly good and he wasn't at all quiet about it. "If I have to carry that ID around with me for the rest of my life," he complained to the photographer, "I want a better picture." "Want a better picture?" asked the photographer defiantly. "Then bring us a better face!"

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A salesman attending a meeting on the coast was held up when a severe storm and a flood washed out the local airport. He wired his office: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions." His boss wired back: "We'll answer your calls. Your vacation has been approved to start immediately." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Zachary N. Skinner, 19 of Bradenton, Florida In bigger trouble now October 16, 2007 - Bradenton, Florida - AP A 19-year-old man who was pulled over for driving at speeds over 100 mph told a deputy he was rushing to get home by dark because he didn't want to get into trouble for breaking his curfew. Zachary N. Skinner was clocked going 101 mph in a 2006 Hyundai and drove even faster before Deputy Grant Steube caught up with him Sunday night, a Manatee County sheriff's report said. When Skinner finally pulled over at about 8:20 p.m., Steube asked him why he was driving so fast. "He stated he was supposed to be home by dark and was afraid of getting into trouble," the deputy's report said. He "stated he didn't care about anything except getting home on time." Skinner was arrested on a charge of reckless driving, a first-degree misdemeanor. Court records show it was Skinner's fifth ticket in the past 11 months, including two for speeding and one for careless driving. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... pe=bondage

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Connie Re: Getting an IE6 Shortcut Hi Webby, I've uninstalled the IE7 and installed the program to block it from coming in again. Now, how do I get the IE6 back with the short cut on my desk top? I've nothing there to click on and have to click on START, go up to INTERNET to click on in order to get into either Yahoo or MSN. Thanks for any info you can give me. Hope you have a great day. Connie Dear Connie Browse to http://webby.com/humor http://webby.com/humor Drag the little icon to the left of the address bar into the corner of your desktop where you want the shortcut for IE6 to be. And you got it, even opening up with the Humor Letter! Once you have a browser open, you can go anywhere. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Driving my friend Steve and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Steve's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Steve corrected. "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look like her....."

Deeli's Kudos October 17, 2007 - UK - Gimundo These days, the world is abuzz with news of a brand-new bra – but you won't find this exclusive undergarment on any Victoria's Secret rack yet. English researchers are still putting the finishing touches on the so-called "smart bra," which could be commercially available in about two years. So what's so special about this exclusive bra? Is it diamond- studded? Does it double its wearer's cup size? No – but it does something much more impressive: It can save lives. Using advanced heat-detection technology, the new smart bra can detect signs of breast cancer at the earliest stages. A microwave antenna woven into the bra's fabric is able to pick up on abnormal temperature changes that could indicate the presence of a small tumor in the breast tissue. When the bra senses a possible problem, a visual or audio alarm will go off, alerting the bra's wearer to visit her doctor as soon as possible. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/6 ... Save_Lives

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning the Chimney If you have a fireplace or wood burning stove, it is the time of year to have your chimney cleaned and inspected. Keeping your chimney maintained can help increase the efficiency of your stove and also helps prevent chimney fires. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Getting rid of IE7 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 22, 2007

Only the shallow know themselves. --- Oscar Wilde When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
A little Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father. "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly "Son, go get your Mother."
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said, "Wake me at six." An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

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Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Victor Lopez, 32, from Santa Fe, New Mexico Wrong place to show off October 18, 2007 - Santa Fe, New Mexico - Canadian Press A man who walked into a meeting with his probation officer wearing a Rolex watch ended up sporting handcuffs. Victor Lopez, 32, was arrested Tuesday on a probation violation for possessing stolen property and was booked into the Santa Fe County jail, police said. The probation officer grew suspicious when he noticed Lopez wearing the $2,500 watch and called police, said Santa Fe Deputy Police Chief Aric Wheeler. "It goes back to that thought process that these guys aren't the sharpest tools in the shed," Wheeler said. The watch was stolen Sunday evening when three men forced their way into a Santa Fe home, police said. Lopez told police a friend had left the watch at his home, Wheeler said. Officers went to the Probation and Parole Department and determined from markings on the watch that it was the one that was stolen, Wheeler said. http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/071018/K101811AU.html
yes-honey-I-know-you-want-to-talk-some-more, but........... but........
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From the Tech Support Pits: From:Bobbi Jean Re: Get rid of IE7 I was wondering how do you uninstall IE 7......its driving me nuts and I cannot seem to find a way to uninstall it!! Thanks Webby, Bobbi Jean Dear Bobbi Jean Go to the Control Panel and select: Add/Remove Software. Find IE7 in there and remove it. Then go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and get the IE7 Blocker, to make sure that snake does not slither back in. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang.'" "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this ... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'" The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead. More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The enemy keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The enemy keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, mumbling "Tankety Tank Tank."

Deeli's Kudos October 20, 2007 - Gloucester, UK - The Sun A rugby-mad parrot shouts support for his favourite team in a Gloucester accent. The three-year-old African Grey parrot called Severiano Ballesteros chants ''Gloucester, Gloucester'' in a West Country drawl whenever he sees his team play on TV. Owners Taffy Howell, 59, and wife Jean, 50, both rugby fans, were shocked when they realised he was a rugby fan too, reports The Sun. Taffy said: ''He talks, he swears at the ref, and he says Glawsterrr, which sounds like Gloucester with an accent. ''He's not the prettiest bird but he's a lot of fun.'' Jean said they are now trying to teach him to cheer for England during the World Cup Final at the weekend. She said: ''Seve watched England win last Saturday and he loved it - when I start cheering he gets really excited and sometimes he even asks if I want a beer. ''I've tried to teach him to say 'Come on Jonny' hopefully he can learn it in time for the World Cup Final. ''I reckon we might just do it and Seve will definitely be cheering the guys on Saturday.'' http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2558083.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com October Best Buys Plan your meals around items that tend to be cheaper in October. Here's a list of some of the best bets during October. Apples, Baking Goods, Beans, Beef, Beets, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cauliflower, Chestnuts, Cranberries, Parsnips, Pears, Pork, Pumpkin, Scallops, Sweet Potatoes, Turkey, Turnips, and Winter Squash. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the drunk who peed in your tuba!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Find a sunset near you
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Dear Webby: How it works 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 21, 2007


Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. --- Arthur Miller A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. --- John Ciardi
Thanks to the folks from Erie for this report: I am not sure if you all heard about this case in the news... but you should read the entire article. -Tragic Local Courtroom Drama Plays Out in Omaha- Omaha, NE (AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Douglas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his Grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS, whom the boy firmly believes are NOT CAPABLE OF BEATING ANYONE!
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

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The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years". Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tajuan Bullock, 33, of Montgomery, Alabama Another Dumb Burglar October 18, 2007 - Montgomery, Alabama - AP A burglar in Montgomery chose the wrong family to mess with, literally. Adrian and Tiffany McKinnon returned home on Tuesday after a week away to find that thieves had emptied almost everything the family of five owned, Tiffany McKinnon said through tears. "Tears just rolled down my face as I walked in and saw everything gone and piles of trash all over my home," she said. Adrian McKinnon sent his wife to see her sister while he inspected the piles left behind. As he walked back into the sunroom, a man walked through the back door straight into him, Tiffany McKinnon told the Montgomery Advertiser in a story Thursday. "My husband Adrian caught the thief red-handed in our home," she said. "And what is even crazier, the man even had my husband's hat sitting right on his head." Adrian McKinnon held the suspect, 33-year-old Tajuan Bullock, at gunpoint and told him to sit on the floor until he decided what to do. "We made this man clean up all the mess he made, piles of stuff, he had thrown out of my drawers and cabinets onto the floor," Tiffany McKinnon said. When police arrived, Bullock complained about being forced to clean the home at gunpoint. "This man had the nerve to raise sand about us making him clean up the mess he made in my house," she said. "The police officer laughed at him when he complained and said anybody else would have shot him dead." Capt. Huey Thornton, a police spokesman, said police arrested Bullock at 2 p.m. Tuesday on burglary and theft charges. He was being held in the Montgomery County Detention Facility on a $30,000 bond. http://www.abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/wireStory?id=3748903

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Grandma Buttercup Re: WiFi Problem Hi Webby I would like to offer my advice to the person having trouble with the wifi in hotels. I too had that problem and I travel quite a bit, until I called the technician for the wifi service. I have a Sony Vaio and did not know there is a tiny button on the side front that has to be turned on for wifi to work. Haven't had a problem since. Grandma Buttercup Thanks Grandma Buttercup! Let's hope that will do the trick for Nofries! Have FUN! DearWebby

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes" the mother answered. "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied....

Deeli's Kudos October 19, 2007 - Wales, UK - WSBTV The supermarket may provide something that can help surgical wounds heal, according to a new review. Researchers from the North West Wales National Health Service Trust say that patients should ask their doctors about putting honey on wounds to speed healing and fight infection. Dr. Fasal Rauf Khan said honey was an ancient treatment for wound healing, and that it never spoils. But when effective antibiotics came into use in the 1940s, honey was dropped. "Honey has a number of properties that make it effective against bacterial growth, including its high sugar content, low moisture content, gluconic acid -- which creates an acidic environment -- and hydrogen peroxide. It has also been shown to reduce inflammation and swelling," he said. Researchers have also reported that applying honey can be used to reduce amputation rates among diabetes patients. Studies have suggested that honey should be applied at regular intervals, from hourly to twice daily and that wounds can become sterile in three to 10 days. "It is probably even more useful for healing the wounds left by laparoscopic surgery to remove cancers," Khan said. He also said honey could gain favor because of concerns about pathogens gaining resistance to antibiotics. http://www.wsbtv.com/health/14377266/detail.html

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Costume: Bag Of Garbage Cut holes in the bottom of a large garbage bag for legs and two holes in the side of the bag for arms. Your head will stick out the top of the bag. Fill it with crumpled newspaper until it looks like a full garbage bag and tape it closed Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Anna gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket. Anna replies, "I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to Anna and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: WiFi connection problem 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 20, 2007


Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? --- Henry David Thoreau
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it...."
A teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their father did for a living an then spell the occupation. A girl named Mary went first. "My dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give each of us a cookie." Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker,b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter." Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician. But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else. She then turned to little Johnny. "My dad is a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8-to-5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician!"

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A wealthy executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy I kicked out in Buffalo!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a dumb burglar in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Dumb Burglar October 12, 2007 - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia - AP A house burglar walked straight into the clutches of the law when he agreed to meet his victim to return one of her stolen possessions, police said Friday. The man allegedly stole two gold rings and a mobile phone from a woman's home in eastern Terengganu state earlier this week, said Hazam Abdul Halim, the state's police chief for criminal investigations. She then called the man on the stolen phone and asked him to meet her near a restaurant to return her phone's subscriber identity chip, Hazam said. "Fortunately, the suspect agreed," Hazam said. The woman alerted authorities, who waited for the man and arrested him, Hazam said. The suspect was being held in police custody while officials investigate the case. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20071012/D8S7U0401.html

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nofries Re: WiFi Problem Hi Dear Webby, I tried to use my new laptop's wifi at two places this past week. Both places offered free wifi access and when I switched on the wi fi it detected the signal and connected. Then I could not surf, when I tried to open Internet Explorer I got the message, "IE cannot display this web page." I'm not too tech savvy and was embarrassed beyond belief that I could not figure this out. I have windows XP pro and ran the Network Diagnostics for Windows XP, and checked the Tools >Internet Options>Advanced>and made sure the SSL and TSL were enabled. Could it have been my firewall or security? I use free Zonealarm, Ad-aware, and AVG. I seem to recall Zonealarm asking to allow something and I said yes. I also use AOL, I know - my bad! I just tried to Google the error message with no luck. Is there a web site for dummies to get help with tech problems? I'm visually oriented and can figure out most things with written instructions. Do you have any advice or link to a problem solving site for dummies? Love your daily Humor letter! nofries ps--Still have dial up Internet at home, in SE USA. I will have to stick to dial up for 6-8 months or so, can you recommend an ISP? Dear Nofries Normally, with free or public WIFI you automatically get a browser screen from the WIFI provider, and you have to log in with the user name and password that is usually on a card on the table or posted somewhere. Sometimes you have to sign up and fill out your name and address and bra size and all kinds of demographic information. The rule there is: "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer." Just make up some stuff if it is too personal. Then you get a user name and password. Close the browser, and when you open it again with the log-on screen, use that user name and password. Until you log on, your browser doesn't go anywhere, except that log-on screen, and the WiFi signal strength will be very low. Don't be shy about asking staff how to log on. I ask, if the usual routine does not work, and I have logged onto WIFI at many hundreds of places. Usually the staff knows even less about it than you, but they will give you a number to call. The people at that support number will have you connected within seconds. Re a dial-up in SE USA, try Earthlink. I have sent hundreds of people to them, and all seem to be happy. Have FUN! DearWebby

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There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it

Deeli's Kudos October 13, 2007 - Monroe, New Jersey - CBS A bad golf swing may have saved the life of an injured dirt biker in central New Jersey. Really. The man was rescued after spending 17 hours trapped in the woods. Dr. Vincent Romeo is a good golfer, usually hitting in the low 80s. On Thursday, though, he shanked a shot, clipping his ball way to the right of fairway 8 of New Jersey's Forsgate Country Club in Monroe. That one bad swing led to a hole-in-one for a dirt biker injured in the woods by the golf course. When Dr. Romeo went to his errant golf ball, he thought he heard something, but decided it was the wind. "I am about ready to hit it again and I hear another cry and I realize … there was somebody," Romeo said. Romeo then walked over to the woods and called out. "I yell to the person, 'do you need help?' He yells back, 'I am on the track.'" Thirty yards in the thick woods along a rarely used railroad track, 46-year-old Marc Franz had crashed his dirt bike. He could not move. Police say he had a broken leg, arm and ribs. He had spent the night in pain. Romeo could not get through the woods and called to the club staff. Police and EMS came up the railroad track to the injured dirt biker. "He was in poor condition; he had been there 17 hours and was happy to see us," said Lt. Marc Jimenez of the Monroe Police Department. Franz was taken to University Hospital in New Brunswick where he is listed in fair condition. Romeo says a big storm hit right after he found the injured dirt biker. He believes the biker might have died from exposure if he was left another night. He said this was better than a hole-in-one. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 00517.html

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Food Lost During a Power Outage If you have homeowners insurance, food that has to be thrown out during a power outage may be covered by your policy. Check with your insurance company to be sure. Some insurance policies will cover up to $500.00 per appliance if you provide a general list of what was lost and its replacement value. Beware that most insurance companies WILL recover pay-outs through higher premiums in the following years! Use insurance pay-outs only when absolutely necessary. Dear.Webby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Forward mail without opening 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  October 19, 2007

Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!


Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. --- Anatole France
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them and noticed a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter. Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here. Have a cookie."
Thanks to JRC for this story: A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Garge. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, How was your day?" Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jaysus, Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

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There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go into business for himself. He saved his money and finally had enough so that he could quit and start his own business. About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located, so I stopped by for a visit. "Hey, John! I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business." "Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day." "Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself." "Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mark Anderson, 48 of Woodland, California Dentist straying out of his territory October 12, 2007 - Woodland, California - AP A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem. Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo- mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain. Attorney Robert Zaro told administrative law judge Jonathan Lew at a hearing Thursday that he should let Anderson keep his dental license while disciplinary appeals proceed. Anderson would be supervised by two assistants and would no longer do the chest rubs, Zaro said. Zaro said Anderson, 48, of Woodland, needs to keep seeing patients so he can feed his seven children and pay for his defense. The judge made no immediate decision. Lew suspended Anderson's dental license last month. He was charged with two misdemeanor counts of battery and sexual battery. Yolo County prosecutors are investigating complaints from more than two dozen women who say they also were groped in the examining chair in the last five years. Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years. She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071012/ap_ ... _dentist_1
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re: Email Substitute Dear Webby, A lady asked "I want a toolbar so I can forward e-mail to without having to open outlook express. I am not to thrill with google toolbar." Any suggestions or remedies? Thanks, Bill Dear Bill I would recommend a steady diet of Smarties and competent supervision. To forward email without opening her email program she would have to delve deeper into spiritology than I want to venture. Have FUN! DearWebby

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing. "What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father. Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys instead!"

Deeli's Kudos Scottish MP's on a snackfood free diet Snack machines reject Scottish MPs' money EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- Vending machines at the Scottish Parliament are rejecting new Scottish bank notes. The new Bank of Scotland notes, which look more like euros than English currency, feature security upgrades like holograms, foil patches and strengthened corners, The Scotsman reported. However, they have also wreaked havoc with vending machines, the newspaper said. There has been a delay in updating machines to recognize new notes, and cheaper machines do not have the memory required ever to recognize them. The problems include the automatic catering service at the Scottish Parliament building, where machines have been spitting back the notes, printed nearby at the Bank of Scotland. VMC Limited, which makes the devices used in the Scottish Parliament, said it is waiting for updated software and samples of the new money. A Bank of Scotland spokesman apologized for the inconvenience.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: 5 Minute Clean Up Have a family ritual: before anyone goes to bed, they clean up their belongings in the living and dining room. It only takes a few minutes. Items that sit out for too long become a part of the landscape. Daily maintenance is the key to clutter control. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Anything Sun
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Dear Webby: Removing Pre-Installed McAfee 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  October 18, 2007

Wear something red tomorrow to show your support for the troops!


As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say. I just watch what they do. --- Andrew Carnegie Dear Webby, I am one of those aol folks that no longer receives your letter. No sweat. I just bookmarked it and pull it up everyday and still enjoy it. --- ThomKat
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of moonshine who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare butt. After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your butt off." Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way." Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob. Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?" Joe told her During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!" "You are crazy. Come on in." "Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
Wilbur got a job on the railways as a steward. For the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "Just use diplomacy." "What's diplomacy?" asked Wilbur. "Watch me I'll show you". Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door he was confronted with a buck naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie!" Wilbur said excitedly. "She had no clothes on. But hey, why did you call her sir?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her". Wilbur was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea" the man replied. "And for your brother?"

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Thanks to Dave for ths story: The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing. A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers. "I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Odee, 43, in Lloyd, New York Punkin' Rage October 12, 2007 - Lloyd, New York - AP A woman says a neighbor attacked her inflatable Halloween lawn display of three ghosts and a giant pumpkin, then apparently smashed his head through her window in a fit of rage. State Police said officers found a drunken John Odee, 43, inside Dawn Garcia's house in the Hudson Valley town of Lloyd on Thursday night, arrested him after a brief struggle and charged him with burglary. Garcia told the Middletown Times Herald-Record she heard hollering and swearing and looked outside to see Odee struggling with the giant pumpkin. "He was enraged. I could see that," she said. When she yelled at him to go away, Odee charged the house. She fled through the back door with three of her children and heard window glass breaking. She called 911 from another neighbor's house. Police said Odee used his head to smash a window to get in. "What made him do that, I don't know," Garcia said. "We had the same decoration up last year and it didn't bother him." http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi
Thanks to Walter for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick Re: McAfee uninstaller Dear Webby, I don't know about Cherie but lately several of my friends have bought new computers with preinstalled McAfee. It won't uninstall. I finally found this link to an unistaller at McAfee's site that did the trick. http://download.mcafee.com/products/lic ... s/MCPR.exe Download and run it if all else fails. Rick Dear Rick Thanks for that valuable information! I had not realized that some pre-installs miss the UN-install part. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Deeli's Kudos October 15, 2007 - Providence, Rhode Island - Providence Journal Neither motorists nor pedestrians could ignore the man in the pale blue shirt and bright white sneakers yesterday morning standing between the Providence Biltmore and The Westin Providence hotels. He was offering something. “Good morning!” exclaimed Thad Davis to everyone around him. He twisted to the left, to the right, and checked behind him, leading always with a waving hand. “Good morning! ... How are you? ... Have a good day!” Davis, 41, a freight train conductor on the Norfolk Southern out of Bellevue, Ohio, arrived on his first visit to New England on Wednesday with his wife, Kathleen. She’s an assistant director of a residential-care facility back in Van Wert, Ohio, where the Davises and their four children live. She’s attending a mental-health conference in Providence. On Thursday, while his wife was at her conference, Davis, a curious guy, took his first stroll through a New England city, testing some of his preconceived notions of New Englanders. Davis had heard little about those from the littlest state, but during his walk Thursday through downtown and Providence Place mall he came away thinking Rhode Islanders were, well, kind of glum. Back in the hills of Polk County, N.C., where Davis grew up, offering greetings to people you meet on the street is as natural as chompin’ on pulled pork during a NASCAR race. He got an idea. While his wife took in her morning conference sessions yesterday, he would take to the street and try to brighten people’s spirits. By 8 a.m., he had found a nice spot at the tip of a traffic island across from Burnside Park. People stared. Drivers shot double-takes as they passed by his sign. Others offered obligatory waves, as reactive as swatting at a passing fly. But there also came cracks in all those glum expressions. One lady in a maroon sedan couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She rolled down her window and gawked. “Good morning! How are you?” said Davis. “Good morning,” the young lady said, then beamed back a wide smile before driving away. One police officer in a cruiser swung by and stopped, too. “That’s it?” he asked. “Yes sir, that’s all it is.” The officer drove away, grinning. “Some people sometimes looked at me like I’m silly,” he said. “Others just thought I’m panhandling until they read the sign again.” What did he learn from his three hours in a Providence intersection? “Well, the people seemed to appreciate it.… No one told me to screw myself.” Said Davis: “I don’t think I changed anybody’s life, but I hope I made their day a little better. Maybe it will become a movement.” http://www.projo.com/news/content/good_ ... dafe3.html

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Costume: A Pirate! Wear an old pair of jeans and roll them up to your knees. Add knee high socks, tights or a pair of long johns under the pants. Find a shirt that is a few sizes too big and then wear a belt or sash over the shirt so that is nice and baggy. Add an old pair of boots, an earring and an eye patch! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat. I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse." She smiled, handing me a menu, "Well... you've come to the right place."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Thanks to Dora for this Classic: During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Spudware
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: McAfee Remover 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 17, 2007


Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. --- Winston Churchill The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. --- Umberto Eco I forgot how I ever came across your humor letter, but it's the best thing that ever happened to my on line life. ;-) I can't live without your humor. keep it up.. Bertha p.s I am so glad you advised earthlink too.
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
Thanks to Sandie for this: I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start. She said "fine!" hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I suddenly realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions... Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rosa Maria Solano in Colombia Public Confession October 14, 2007 - Columbia, South America - Ananova A game show has been cancelled in Colombia after a contestant won £25,000 after admitting she had hired a hitman to kill her husband. Nothing But The Truth has been a big hit in South America, subjecting competitors to a lie detector test, reports Metro News. They had to truthfully answer 21 increasingly invasive questions to win £25,000. But the producers got into trouble when contestant Rosa Maria Solano took home the top prize after telling viewers she had tried to have her husband killed. She admitted hiring a hitman to carry out the deed, but the plan was not followed through. "The crime couldn't be carried out because the hitman tipped off my husband and he ran away forever - God save me,"' said Mrs Solano. TV station Caracol pulled the show after it was threatened with legal action. Everything from extra-marital affairs to drug smuggling and homosexual prostitution was confessed to by contestants on the show. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2550369.html?menu=
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Large version
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cherie Re: McAfee remover Dear Webby, I hve noticed that on your website you have a link to get rid of Norton.... do you have one to get rid of Mcafee Security Center??? Cherie Dear Cherie Unlike Norton, McAfee can be cleanly UNinstalled from the Control Panel, Add/Remove Programs. Have FUN! DearWebby

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It has been proven that Adam was a Mennonite. Only a Mennonite man who could stand in front of a naked woman and be tempted by an apple.

Deeli's Kudos October 14, 2007 - Newcastle, UK - BBC An artist is turning a year's worth of unwanted junk mail into a sculpture in her garden. Anne Cohen, 54, from Newcastle, puts all her junk mail on a large metal spike outside her front door. The mother-of-four started on 1 January and now the artwork is more than 5ft tall, reports the BBC. She plans to continue adding to the pile until the end of December to find out how much junk mail one household receives in a year. Once the piece is finished, she hopes to spray and preserve it so that it can go on display in a gallery. "We just get so much junk mail. We're totally inundated," she said, "I'm using art as a tool to start a debate. I just want to show things up and people can come to their own conclusions." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2550448.html?menu= ----------------------- In my opinion, that's not art, especially since dogs and pigs are being used to pick up litter and put recyclable cans and bottles into a bin and paper onto a spike. Junk mail CAN be used for artistic purposes, like gluing it together to make a colorful kids playhouse, that even promotes reading and reading games. Judging by how badly the schools, that are fighting the "No kid left behind" law, are failing in basic national reading tests, building junk mail sculptures might produce a drastic improvement over what they are doing now. DearWebby


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Sure It Is Junk Mail I received a letter from my bank, it looked like promotional material, but it detailed the new checking account that my bank had signed me up for. This new account has monthly fees, in contrast to the free checking account I had signed up for 15 years ago. The moral of the story, be sure to read anything your bank sends you. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. Keli was sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally Keli could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about that BS!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

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Dear Webby: Zero Tolerance to bounces 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 16, 2007


The capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning and significance. --- Pablo Casals
Hi Webby, I'm with you totally on the one below...in the area where we live there are hundreds of the cameras and...the first violation is a fine of $336.00 not sure what they are after that one...that is the only one listed on the signs but, I know it makes people pay a LOT more attention when you really hit them hard in the wallet. Keep up the great work!! Cookie
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on those decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?" The answer from the group was unanimous, "Two." "Wrong," replied the speaker. "There would still be five, because there is a difference between deciding to jump and actually jumping."

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A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway." "Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." "Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?" "Yes, indeed. He wrote a check." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Kearse, 34, of Maitland, Florida Dumb Robber MAITLAND, Fla. -- A man pretending to need a room at a Maitland hotel ended up robbing the front desk early Monday morning. Once he had the money, he had a strange request for the clerk at the Courtyard by Marriott on Pembrook Drive. Soon after the female clerk gave the suspect at least $350, he ordered her to take off her clothes. Police in Maitland knew the man they found riding a bicycle, almost one mile away from the hotel that was robbed early Monday morning, was the man they were looking for. He had a wad of money in his socks and he matched the description of the suspect who entered the Courtyard by Marriott, pretended to be a customer and then demanded the money. "She got hysterical. she opened up the cash drawer. She handed him all the cash and at that point he told her that he wanted her to take off all her clothes," said Sgt. Jeff Harris of the Maitland Police Department. Police said the frightened clerk started to take off her blazer when a real customer pulled up and started to unload luggage from their car. They set off the automatic sliding doors that led into the lobby of the hotel. "That spooked the suspect and he went running out the front door, almost knocking down one of the two witnesses who saw him," added Harris. The bad guy took off on a bicycle. A female officer confronted him about a mile away from the hotel, but after a brief struggle he managed to get away. That's when three agencies brought in additional officers, K-9 units and a helicopter. Twenty-five minutes later, 34-year-old Michael Kearse was arrested and taken to jail. Police said Kearse is a career criminal. He was booked on resisting arrest with violence, battery on an officer, as well as robbery with the threat of a weapon. http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/news/14340569/detail.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patricia Re: AOL Dear Webby, This is what happened when I tried to forward your humor letter to my friend. Guess AOL, guards both the front and the back doors. MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.com wrote: Date: 15 Oct 2007 10:27:23 -0000 From: MAILER-DAEMON@yahoo.com To: ********@sbcglobal.net Subject: failure notice Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out. Dear Patricia You can't win them all. All you can do is wait and hope that some day they will smarten up. In the meantime, AOLers can browse to http://webby.com/humor and read the Humor Letter on-line. It is easy enough to drag an icon from the left of the address bar onto the desktop. Have FUN! DearWebby ----------------------------------------- From Bill At the end of last week I received an email from this site telling me I had been unsubscribed. I resubscribed yesterday, but have since received another email telling me I have been unsubscribed again. There is also a note saying that AOL subscribers need not resubscribe. What is the problem here? Bill. Dear Bill as the good example for other newsletters, we maintain a strict zero tolerance policy regarding bounced mail. Whenever the idjits censor and bounce your subscription, they bounce your address off the list. Once you graduate from AOL, that problem will instantly go away. PS.: My reply to you bounced too. Have FUN! DearWebby OK, lets change the topic and quit beating a dead horse. I'm sure there are other web or computer related questions waiting out there!

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Thanks to Dianne for this story: Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet... Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush....

Deeli's Kudos October 7, 2007 - Budapest, Hungary - AP A 16-year-old took the top prize at the Rubik's Cube world championship Sunday, solving the puzzle five times in an average of 12.46 seconds. But the fastest single attempt was a cool 10.88 seconds, just off the world record of 9.86 seconds. Yu Nakajima of Japan won the main event for twisting the classic 3x3 cube — which has nine colored tiles on each on its six sides — into the winning position, where all like-colored tiles are on the same face. Andrew Kang of the United States, who came in second for the main event, set the best time for a single attempt at the championship. The world record has been held by Thibaut Jacquinot of France. The five-attempt event garners the top award of $7,000, prizing consistency over of a single — possibly lucky — win. More than 250 competitors from 33 countries took part in the event, the first to be held in Hungary — where the game was invented by Erno Rubik in 1974 — since competition began in 1982. Rubik, an engineer who developed several other mechanical games after the cube, made a rare public appearance at the medal ceremony, helping to hand out the main awards. "I'm glad the cube is reaching new generations, who face it with fresh wonder, curiosity and enthusiasm," the game's creator said. Blindfolded contestants attempt to memorize the position of key cubes before covering their eyes. Kuti's best blindfolded time for the 3x3 cube was just over 1 minute, 7 seconds.


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Deals At Cellphone Stores I ended up going directly to the store when looking for a new cellphone provider. They matched the deal I found online, plus gave me an addition rebate on each phone. They were also able to transfer my existing numbers, something that was not allowed with the online retailers offer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A redneck had 3 daughters and one day, they all had a date on the same night. He decided to make sure that his daughters would be safe with the guys they were dating, he stayed out on the porch with a shotgun just to intimidate the guys into not trying anything. The first guy came up and said "Hi, My name is Joe, I take it slow, we're goin to a show, gotta go." The redneck thought he was an ok guy, so he let them go. About 5 minutes later, another guy came up and said, "My name is Bill, I live on the hill, we're goin to chill." The redneck thought he was cool, and let him go. About 5 minutes later, another guy came up and said, "My name is Chuck--" *BOOM!*

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: South Texas Butterflies
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Dear Webby: AOL Mail Problems 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 15, 2007


An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person. --- Joseph Addison
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you." The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?" With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!" The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?" Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?" Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

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Thanks to Connie for this story: My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us." They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mayor Dave Heilmann of Oak Lawn, Illinois Cute, but ineffective September 30, 2007 - Oak Lawn, Illinois - AP A big red sign that says "Stop" sometimes isn't enough to get everyone to stop. Maybe a laugh will get their attention. This Chicago suburb has installed second stop signs beneath the regular ones at 50 intersections with messages, including "WHOAAA" or "Stop ... and smell the roses." "I thought it might make people smile and take notice," Mayor Dave Heilmann said as he launched the campaign Friday. "You've got people on their cell phones, their BlackBerries and iPods while driving. Those are all distractions. Hopefully, when they see a sign they're not expecting it might make them stop." The new signs are red octagons, just like the real stop signs, but instead of just "Stop" they say "Stop ... right there pilgrim" and "Stop ... in the naame of love." Naame? Think of the drawn-out pronunciation in the hit by the Supremes. It might be too soon to know whether the alternative signs will work. But while the mayor was posing for a photo with one of the new signs, a driver sped by without stopping. http://www.wral.com/news/strange/story/1876417/ ------------ It never ceases to amaze me to what length politicians go to, to avoid stop sign cameras, that would pay for themselves in a day or two, and wuld save a lot of lives. Last Wednesday my dad got run over right in the middle of a crosswalk by some cellphone using bimbo who blew right through a stop sign, and then took off in a hurry. A camera would have helped to put an end to THAT bad habit. Dad is OK but was limping badly for a few days, and regretting that he had just soft bread in his shoping bag instead of canned or frozen goods. He would have dented that drivers car considerably more than he did. DearWebby

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walt Re: AOL Problems again? Dear Webby, Received 10/13 copy O.K. This appears to be a spoof.... Walt D'Allaird To: ******@aol.com ( Walt ) From: unsub@webby.com ( Humor Letter @ webby.com ) Reply-to: unsub@webby.com Subject: Your e-mail address had been removed from the "Humor Letter" data base. Dear Walt That's not a spoof, just proof that AOL bounced your subscription and thereby bounced you off the list. The list program has no way of knowing whether you finally graduated from AOL, or if it was a temporary or permanent AOL screw-up. I don't keep hammering away at a dead address and simply hope that you subscribed with a working address. Since my reply to your letter bounced as well, this is the only way to contact you. The same applies to four other subscribers. My replies to you bounced back. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Yes, they do, brave oyster wrestler!"

Deeli's Kudos October 11, 2007 - Washington, US - AFP He sleeps on a bench, but he is king of chess during the day at Washington's Dupont Circle, where he dazzles beginners and masters alike with his winning moves on the park's stone chessboards. Tom Murphy, 49, makes what little money he has from teaching his prodigious knowledge of the game to passersby for a few dollars. "He has the title of expert in chess. This is the second highest American title; above him are master. So it means he is quite good," said Washington's Chess Center director David Mehler. A former math and science major and a celebrity among amateurs, Murphy has made the Dupont Circle public square America's most prestigious chess park after New York's fabled Washington Square, according to some chess lovers. "The mathematical equation has always been fascinating to me, then when you add the camaraderie, the ambiance, the open air, it's almost irresistible," said Murphy, peering over a park chessboard that draws players from all walks of life -- students, doctors, lawyers, drunkards. Murphy has won several chess tournaments and finished 15th in the 2005 world blitz championship. Murphy aims to get better at chess and rise to the title of master. "There is an upcoming tournament on Thanksgiving (November 22) in Philadelphia. That's looking promising," he added. For now, the homeless chess teacher charges 20 to 30 dollars an hour and will match his wits with any rival for two to five dollars per game. "Grand masters are teaching 100 or 200 bucks (dollars) an hour, masters can get at least 50, that's not bad," he said. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071011/lf ... 1011050233


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com A Good Time to Buy Pumpkins Right after Halloween is a good time to buy pumpkins at discount prices. Pumpkin can be used in a variety of tasty recipes for soups, cookies, breads or pies. The seeds can be roasted to make a tasty snack. Smaller sugar pumpkins taste better than big jack 'o lantern ones. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Paul from boasting to Greg about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Greg admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Paul looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." I gotta try it, said Greg. "Keli won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to Keli, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. His boss replied, "You are late, you're fired!" "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" Greg pleaded. "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
GROAN ALERT One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.

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Dear Webby: No pictures in gmail 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 14, 2007


Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. --- H. L. Mencken
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while stuck behind bars. On the bus, one convict turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

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**Diary Of A Regular Joe** For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress: Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT! Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then, she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT. Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine... It sank. Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't HAVE triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.... Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Arizona Oncology Associates in Tucson, Arizona Forgot the patient September 28, 2007 - Tucson, Arizona - AP A cancer patient says she was left alone in a CT scanner for hours after a technician apparently forget about her, and she finally crawled out of the device, only to find herself locked in the closed clinic. Elvira Tellez of Tucson said she called her son in a panic, and he told her to call 911. Pima County sheriff's deputies arriving at the oncology office had her unlock the office door to let them in, said Deputy Dawn Hanke, a department spokeswoman. The deputies contacted the office manager, who was not aware of the situation. Tellez was taken to a hospital as a precaution, then released early the next day. She and her family said they want an explanation from the medical office, Arizona Oncology Associates, but have yet to receive one. She said the technician did call to apologize the next day. The executive director of Arizona Oncology Associates, Sonya Holm, was in a meeting Friday and not immediately available for comment, her assistant said. The assistant said no one else at the statewide medical practice was authorized to comment. Diagnosed with bone cancer, the 67-year-old Tellez had been sent to the clinic for tests to see if her cancer had spread. By the time deputies found her, it had been five hours since she was placed inside. A physician who works at the practice and knew of the incident told The Arizona Daily Star it's not the first time such a thing has happened. "People have been left in the office after hours, when something like that happens -- it's the same sort of thing," Dr. Steven Ketchel said. http://www.wsbtv.com/health/14228200/detail.html
Thanks to Cookie fro sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: No pictures in gmail Dear Webby, I just switched from corecomm webmail to Gmail. Only problem, the graphics don't come through.Only the semaphone flag as shown above. having fun, Patti Dear Patti The pictures DO come through, it's just that you have them turned off in the quickie-preview. The Web page on-line Quickie preview in gmail is just that, a preview, to sneak a peek at your mail at the cyber cafe at lunch or while away from your main machine. Once back at work or at home, wherever your main machine is, you haul your mail down with Eudora, Thunderbird, Outlook, whatever. To speed things up at the cybercafe, the sneak preview has the pictures turned off by default. You CAN turn them on easily enough after a bit of hunting around in the options. Gmail is an excellent program, and it is great at what it does, but it is not intended to be the final sorting and filing program. Eudora, Thunderbird, Outlook, whatever, do that. If you don't bother sorting mail into different boxes and just want to use Gmail as your one and only mail program, spend half an hour customizing it to your liking, and turn the pictures on at the same time. Have FUN! DearWebby

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On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance...."

Deeli's Kudos October 11, 2007 - Altamont Springs, Florida - WFTV A Lake Brantley High School student is credited with helping Altamonte Springs police solve a series of baffling school burglaries. Police arrested 19-year-old Antonio Brinson on Wednesday after investigators said he was caught on a hidden camera stealing from other students in a locker room. He's suspected of stealing several cell phones, an MP3 player and some cash over a few weeks. Another student got fed up and set up his own surveillance camera in the locker room to catch the suspected thief in the act. "We were all happy. One kid said his phone was stolen. I looked in my bag and my phone, MP3 and money were all gone," said Julian Campos, a student victim. The school district didn't comment on whether the student who used the camera was in any kind of trouble, but some students said they hope not because they think he did the right thing. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/14316393/detail.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Creating Quality Home Movies Be sure to keep the camera steady when recording. A tripod makes this easy. When moving the camera, pan as slowly as possible and avoid zooming quickly or too often. Also, make sure to start recording early and stop later to make sure you get every bit of the action. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep....?!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Big Gourd
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: No mail to AOL 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 13, 2007


Remember the difference between a boss and a leader: A boss says "Go!" A leader says "Let's go!" --- E.M. Kelly You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well. --- Carrie Fisher
Thanks to Ross for this story: A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for." This means: “Don’t drink the water the cows have dumped into it." The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, they hold more!"
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."

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A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance. Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..." " "Fred," she answered. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?" "Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over." "Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried. "Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Baronet Sir Benjamin Slade, Somerset, England October 7, 2007 - Somerset, UK - Ananova Blue bird An aristocrat claims a peacock caused £4,000 damage to a blue Lexus car - by trying to have sex with it. Baronet Sir Benjamin Slade has put in a claim to insurers to cover the damage to his employee's car, reports the Daily Telegraph. He has also put up warning signs at Maunsel House, in Somerset, after the "peacock blue" Lexus was scratched and dented by the amorous bird. The incident proves the bird is gay, according to Sir Benjamin, because peahens are brown and only males are blue. He says the male damaged the car because it looked like "another peacock boy". "He attacked the panels so hard that the car needs a total respray," he said. "The insurers, Lloyd's of London, are not very happy about it. They've had claims for all sorts of things like lions biting people. "But never have they heard of a peacock sexually attacking a car before." He added: "I've had to ban peacock blue Lexus cars from the car park." Sir Benjamin Slade previously attracted attention when he sent out advertisements seeking an heir for his estate so that he could live in a council (Social Assistance) house instead. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2540164.html?menu=
Thanks to Rita for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Noella Re: AOL Malfunction Dear Webby, I tried forwarding the ezine to Pfs55@aol.com and also to my own aol address. It came back for both addresses. Makes me wonder what else I missed when I was with AOL. Noella Dear Noella Probably a lot. We have a few clients who send in hlep requests with an AOL return address. There is no point wasting much time to figure out their problem, since my reply will bounce anyway. I usually just send a quick token reply to see if their mail works. When I get the bounce, I'm glad I hadn't wasted a lot of time. I can't really get mad at the poor dummies, since they probably suffer from the insane delusion that AOL mail works reliably. Have FUN!
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: The physics professor, checking to see how many people had actually read the assignment, asked "What are the two types of light?" The lab fell quiet until a small voice came from the back of the room, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

Deeli's Kudos October 10, 2007 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - CBS A family recovered their mother's lost wedding rings after searching through nearly a thousand bags of trash at a suburban landfill. Susan Myers, 83, of Downingtown, lost the jewelry at Paoli Hospital, where she was taken Sept. 29 after collapsing at her husband's funeral. Her family had removed the rings, a pearl bracelet and a 50th anniversary ring in the emergency room and placed them in a rubber glove tied with a knot. The glove was later misplaced, then mistakenly thrown away. Frantic searches the next day eventually led the family to Frank Dabney, the hospital employee who emptied the trash from Myers' room. He told them their only hope was to search the landfill in Honey Brook where the hospital's trash is taken. "One in a million, is what I told them," Dabney said. "I told them, 'You only got one shot, and it's a long shot, a real long shot.'" Myers' family hired Dabney to help, and on Oct. 2 the group of six spent several hours picking through the garbage. By afternoon, Dabney had found the glove. "I could feel the pearls. I shook it and could hear the rings," Dabney said. That evening, Myers' family gave her back her jewelry. No one told her at the time where it had been, but she knows now. "I believe it was my dad, between heaven and earth, watching over his family, giving us something to work on rather than grieving," said Jeff Myers, one of her sons. "Without him, this miracle never would have happened." http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/10/ ... 6083.shtml


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Saving a Part of Your Budget Make saving a fixed part of your budget. Determine a reasonable amount of money each month and have it automatically deposited into a savings account. It is best if this account is entirely separate so you can "forget" about it until you need it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the newspaper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives" His wife said, "Why, thank you, dear!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight. He dropped in a coin and eagerly read the results. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely fantastic lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Heroes of the Old West
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Dear Webby: AOL Problem 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  October 12, 2007

Wear something red today,
to show your support for the troops!


From Great Granny Vi: I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. --- Leo Buscaglia
Thanks to Dianne for this story: My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally, she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!" I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
HOW TO KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOU ARE OLD First, you tell your friend that you are having an affair, * Then your friend asks you.... "Are you having it catered?" * That, my friend, is the definition of OLD!

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GROAN ALERT Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left the house, I overheard my daughter saying, "There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole hills." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to SouthWest Airlines Sniveling Stew October 5, 2007 - Tampa, Florida - AP Southwest Airlines said it will apologize to a passenger who was told he would be removed from a flight if he didn’t change clothes, the second time in recent months the budget carrier has been forced to do so. Joe Winiecki, of Largo, Fla., boarded a Southwest flight in Columbus, Ohio, wearing a fictional fishing shop T-shirt which featured the words, "Master Baiter." Winiecki, who was traveling home, said he was in his seat when an employee told him he had to change his T-shirt, turn it inside out, or get off the plane. Winiecki protested that the airline was infringing on his right to free speech, but changed his shirt fearing he would miss the flight and a day’s work. Southwest spokesman Chris Mainz said Friday the employee made a mistake because the Dallas-based airline does not have a dress code. The airline apologized this summer after a college student wearing a denim miniskirt and a sweater over a tank top was told to change her outfit or get off a flight departing from San Diego. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21151557/

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Pat Re: AOL Malfunction Dear Webby, A looooooong-time subscriber, I have received only this one humor letter since mid-September. I haven't made any changes to my cookie or security settings, checked my spam folder (you aren't there), and have you listed in my address book, so it should be clear sailing. HELP!!!! ~ Pat Dear Pat Pfs55@aol.com|Pat|humor That shows me that your subscription is being sent to you EVERY night. What is below, shows me that AOL censors your subscription: Subject: Returned mail: see transcript for details Auto-Submitted: auto-generated (failure) The original message was received at Wed, 10 Oct 2007 06:46:40 -0400 from humor@localhost ----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors ----- Pfs55@aol.com (reason: 554-: (HVU:B1) http://postmaster.info.aol.com/errors/554hvub1.html) ----- Transcript of session follows ----- ... while talking to mailin-02.mx.aol.com.: >>> DATA <<< 554-: (HVU:B1) http://postmaster.info.aol.com/errors/554hvub1.html <<< 554 TRANSACTION FAILED 554 5.0.0 Service unavailable Reporting-MTA: dns; webby.com Arrival-Date: Wed, 10 Oct 2007 06:46:40 -0400 Until you get AOL to stop stealing your stuff, there is nothing I can do. PS. MY mail to you bounced back too. Maybe some reader can forward this to you. It might be time to graduate from AOL, or at least get a gmail address on the side. Good Luck! DearWebby
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A lady was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor. "'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Deeli's Kudos October 8, 2007 - Carrollton Township, Michigan - AP Officer James Kellett knows it's his job to serve and protect - even when it comes to nature's stinky black and white creatures. When a skunk with its head stuck in a salad dressing jar wandered into the Carrollton Township police station's parking lot, he grabbed a pellet gun and shot at the jar from about 40 feet away. The shots cracked and shattered the jar, leaving a glass collar around the skunk's neck. With its head free, the skunk ran off. "I didn't want to use deadly force, and it is a residential area," Kellett told The Saginaw News. "The way he was when he took off, he was able to eat, breathe and spray - and do anything else skunks like to do." http://www.macon.com/weird//story/155326.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Your Kid's School Work Create a folder each month and file away school work as your child brings it home. In the summer, you can look at each month and decide what to keep, being sure to date it. This also serves as a great way to view the progress that your child made throughout the school year. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Liz for this story: The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes." "Did it hurt?" "Just a little." "Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun." Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!" His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Etch A Sketch Art
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Dear Webby: How to Remove AdAware 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  October 11, 2007

Wear something red tomorrow, to show your support for the troops!


I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. --- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts" You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions. --- Senator Patrick Leahy,
Thanks to Sandie for this story: The woman applying for the job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look miss," said the foreman. "Do you have any experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
TRhanks to Viceky for this story: A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your Mother, tataleh!" "And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh." "Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son on and hugs him. "So tell mommy. . . what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I've learned that my name is Melvin."

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A very thirsty man goes into a bar. He sits down and waits for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives him a tall, ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink, he says, "I'll have a waterloo too." The bartender gives him a tall, ice cold drink. The man takes a big drink from the glass and says, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water . . . right Lou? Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Scott A. Masters, 41, from Farmington, Missouri Donut Robber October 8, 2007 - Farmington, Missouri - AP It's a hefty price for a pastry: A man accused of stealing a 52-cent doughnut could face time in jail. Authorities said Scott A. Masters, 41, slipped the doughnut into his sweat shirt without paying, then pushed away a clerk who tried to stop him as he fled the store. The push is being treated as minor assault, which transforms a misdemeanor shoplifting charge to a strong-armed robbery with a potential prison term of five to 15 years. Because he has a criminal history, prosecutors say they could seek 30 years. "Strong-arm robbery? Over a doughnut? That's impossible," Masters told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch from jail. He admitted that he took the pastry but denied touching the employee. "There's no way I would've pushed a woman over a doughnut." Farmington Police Chief Rick Baker said state law treats the shoplifting and assault as forcibly stealing property. The amount of force and value of the property doesn't matter. "It's not the doughnut," Baker said. "It's the assault." Masters said he didn't even get to enjoy his ill-gotten gains: He threw the doughnut away as he fled. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21191119/

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tam Re: Removing AdAware Dear Webby: Hi and as always thanks for the daily humor. I think I asked you this before, but I need help.. again!! I got McAfee virus protection and it will not let me install it 100% because I have AdAware and can not get to my add/remove program to uninstall it. PLEASE let me know if there is a way I can uninstall that. And any solutions as to why I can not get to add/remove? thanks and have a good day Tam Dear Tam A lot of people have problems with removing AdAware. That is one of the reasons I don't recommend them. Half an hour on Google found this: 1. Click "uninstall Ad-Aware" in the lavasoft folder of your start menu 2. If it does not work, open your control panel, click add/remove programs and locate Ad-Aware SE 3. If it still does not work, locate and run (double-click) the file "unwise.exe" (the .exe might not be shown). It should be found in C:\program files\lavasoft\Ad-Aware SE [Personal/Plus/Professional]\ If that does not work, or if you get a message saying something like "Can't find Install.log," perform a manual uninstall. Do the following: 1. Click on "my computer" and navigate to your Lavasoft Ad-Aware folder (C:\program files\lavasoft\ad-aware \ 2. Run the file unregaaw.exe 3. Delete the entire ad-aware folder 4. Delete your Lavasoft Ad-Aware link in your start menu (if present) 5. Delete the Ad-Aware icon(s) from your desktop(if present) 6. Navigate to C:\Documents and Settings\[User Name]\Application Data\Lavasoft and delete the entire Lavasoft folder. 7. Empty your trash bin 8. Reboot. If you have already deleted unregaaw.exe, try to get it from Lavasoft in Sweden. Good Luck! DearWebby
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I stepped into the restroom at our company headquarters and found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers: "Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."

Deeli's Kudos October 3, 2007 - Anchorage, Alaska - AP A crippled cow moose in west Anchorage is showing such a knack for survival that state biologists have so far avoided the normal course of putting her down. The moose, which is missing about 12 inches of its right hind leg, is also nursing what appears to be a large and healthy calf, according to Rick Sinnott, the state's Anchorage area wildlife biologist. ''She seems to be getting around fairly well on three legs, although she's a little skinnier than she should be this time of year,'' Sinnott said. ''A complicating factor is she still has a calf and, the last time we looked, the calf was still nursing.'' Moose typically loose weight during the winter because they have less food to eat, and it may be necessary to put the moose down then, said Jessy Coltrane, the assistant Anchorage-area biologist. ''There's no need (now) for a pre-emptive strike,'' Coltrane said. ''Her body condition looks good.'' Many concerned residents phone the Department of Fish and Game to report seeing the three-legged moose, which may have been injured in a vehicle collision sometime this year, biologists said. The crippled moose in West Anchorage apparently also has drawn the attention of bulls and biologists speculate that she could mate again. Biologists know of a cow moose in Eagle River several years ago that was missing an entire rear leg and yet produced calves for several years running, Coltrane said. http://www.happynews.com/news/1032007/c ... alaska.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Costume: Ninja! Wear all black with a black sash to wear as a belt. Cut a hole big enough for your eyes in black fabric and tie it loosely around your head. Children should also be outfitted with reflective tape on the front and back if they are going to be trick-or-treating outside. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Lisa and Linda Two are walking down the street. Lisa finds a little mirror, and looks in it. She looks again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!" "Give it to me", says linda. She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course you have, silly! It's me!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
While rummaging through his attic a man found a shoe-repair ticket that was five years old. Figuring that he had nothing to lose, he went to the shop and presented the ticket to the pro- prietor, who reluctantly began a search for the unclaimed shoes. After ten minutes, the owner reappeared and handed back the ticket. "Well," asked the customer, "did you find the shoes?" "Yes," replied the owner, "they'll be ready Tuesday."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Price-Wise Phone
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Humor: Mobile High Speed internet 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 10, 2007

I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues. --- Duke Ellington
A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood. He parks himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon, however, all of the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it. He tells them to scram and let him get some sleep, but they persist until he finally gives in. "Okay, follow me," he says, and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they go, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slows down and all of the other bats mill around him excitedly. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asks. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" the bats all scream in a frenzy. "Good," says the first bat, "because I didn't!"
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the morning the proxy father was to arrive Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said "I'm off to work, the man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer rang the door hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, you don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in... "Really??" he said. "Well good ! I've made a specialty of babies..." "Thats what my husband and I had hoped for...Er...where should we start?" asked Mrs.Smith (blushing). "Well," said the man, "leave everything to me. I usually try it first in the bathtub...and maybe one shot on the couch...perhaps a couple on the bed... sometime the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out." "Hmmm...bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I am sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes time, but you'd be disappointed with that I am sure." "Don't I know it!!" Mrs.Smith exclaimed.. "I'll show you some of my work first," the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This one was done on top of a bus in London.." "Oh, my God !!" Mrs.Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And the twins turned out well when you consider their mother was difficult to work with." (He hands her a picture) "Difficult? She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes I am afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep and pushing to get good look." "4 or 5 deep?" asked Mrs.Smith, her eyes widened in amazement. "Yes!", he said. "And for three hours, too. With the constant squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate. So I began to rush my shot. But just then a squirrel began to nibble at my equipment. I got mad! So I packed it all in." Mrs.Smith leaned forward, "You mean it actually chewed on your.... Er...equipment?" "Thats right," the man said. "Well, if you're ready now, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "TRIPOD???" Mrs. Smith looked worried. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold. Ok, I'm ready for action!" he said. Madam??? Good lord..she's fainted !!!

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The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top...!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the parents of a future career criminal School Bus Chase October 7, 2007 - Dumas, Arkansas - AP A 10-year-old boy was arrested after taking a school bus and leading police on a 70-kilometre chase along a rural highway, according to police. School officials spotted lights coming from the bus yard around 11 p.m. Friday, and reported the bus stolen. Officers from three counties, four towns and the Arkansas State Police began chasing the bus and its driver. Despite road spikes set up to slow the bus, the vehicle kept travelling north toward Little Rock along U.S. 65 through Desha and Lincoln counties, then into Jefferson county. "Be advised, he missed them all. We're now coming into town. Speed's at 25 miles an hour (40 kilometres an hour)," officers said over a radio scanner. About 70 kilometres later, the bus slowed down enough for a sheriff's deputy to make the bus stop in Pine Bluff, and officers discovered their suspect was a child. They cuffed the boy and took him into custody, then later released him to his parents. It wasn't known whether the child would face charges. School officials said he had been part of a group caught on camera trying to pull the same prank last month. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 99-ap.html
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. --- Doug Larson
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Najma Re: Mobile High Speed Internet Dear Webby: Greetings from Jersey, In response to Sharon's letter about accessing the internet. At the moment, Sprint has something called a mobile broadband. It can either hook up to either a desktop or laptop's USB port. I love it. It is called Sierra 595U - USB Modem Point of contact is Mr Lou Chambers 800-677-0983 You can take it wherever you need to go. Hope this helps her. Have a nice day! Peace...........Najma Dear Najma Thanks for your valuable information! Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Deeli's Kudos October 1, 2007 - Bishopville, South Carolina - AP Firefighter Brian Eargle is accustomed to waking up to fight fires. But Tuesday night, Eargle said he was jerked from sleep by coughing and quickly ended up having to fight a blaze at his own fire station. Eargle managed to escape the fire, call for help and drive two trucks away from the burning building. He then pulled a hose from a fire truck parked outside to fight the blaze for about 10 minutes until his fellow firefighters could arrive and get their equipment on. The fire, which started in the lounge of the station, did about $30,000 in damage, Lee County Fire Chief Mike Bedenbaugh said. But it could have been a lot worse. Bedenbaugh said he is glad Eargle wasn't hurt or killed and that he managed to save the vehicles from the blaze. ''If this fire had happened at any of our other stations, then we would have lost vehicles and the entire building,'' Bedenbaugh said. ''This is the only station where we have someone on duty 24 hours a day.'' The State Law Enforcement Division is investigating the fire. http://www.happynews.com/news/9272007/f ... n-fire.htm


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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Meatloaf Muffins To make meatloaf in convenient serving sizes, make your favorite meatloaf recipe in muffin tins. The meatloaf will cook faster and it's the perfect size for freezing. Then just serve a meatloaf muffin to each person. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks. "John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend quite that much," says John.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex- husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex- husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

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Dear Webby: McAfee patch 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 9, 2007

Practice is nine-tenths. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name. "I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy replied. "It would be if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
Thanks to Sandie for this classic from the days when Windows came on floppy disks instead of CDs or pre-installed. An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer. Training stresses that we are not the Software Police, so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: Umm hmm. What happened? Customer: As I put each disk in, it turns out they weren't initialized. Tech Support: Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am? Customer: (proudly) I wrote it down. It said, "This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?" Tech Support: Er, what happened next? Customer: After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work and I can't read them in the A: drive. The PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?

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I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Town Manager John Simko of Greenville, Maine Sniveling Ninny! "Naked Lunch" just doesn't sound appetizing to some people. A sandwich called the Skinny Dip, featuring sliced prime rib in a baguette roll, has been offered free of charge to anyone willing to plunge naked from The Black Frog Restaurant's dock into a lake. Since the free sandwich offer was introduced three years ago, owner Leigh Turner has found plenty of takers. "We've had two or three a week," he said. But now the promotion is running into trouble: Somebody, maybe a competitor without lake access, apparently suggested to selectmen that the activity be banned. The naked lunch issue surfaced this week when Black Frog's application to renew its liquor license was presented to the Town Manager John Simko. Simko claimed he had been approached about the nudity and suggested that Police Chief Scott MacMaster speak to the owner. Turner did not attend the selectmen's meeting, but said he would remove the free lunch offer if asked to do so. The skinny dip was typically done at night, no frontal nudity was exposed to customers and a towel was readily available, Turner said. "Most everybody applauded" after the plunge, Turner said. He said the offering, like the remainder of his menu, including mooseballs, is a light-hearted attempt to provide a little humor to his customers.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Geo Re: McAfee Patch Dear Webby: I received this reply to my problem today and IT WORKED! I'm now able to send AND receive emails from the comcast ISP again. http://download.mcafee.com/products/lic ... 1005_1.exe Geo Dear Geo They also quietly included that patch in today's update and McAfee does no longer sabotage Eudora. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee." The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill could short the keyboard and wipe out all of the data!"

Deeli's Kudos October 4, 2007 - St. Petersburg, Florida - AP A county garbage operations employee found a plastic bag on the road stuffed with $65,000 Thursday — and immediately turned it in to authorities. It turned out the money had fallen off a Loomis armored car a half hour before Debbie Cole found it near the Pinellas County solid waste operations facility where she works. First she thought it was a turtle in the road. The 53-year-old Largo woman found the bag just before 7 a.m., full of enough $50 and $100 bills to pay her salary for two years. She immediately contacted a supervisor, who called deputies. It's not clear how the bag fell from the truck, said Mark Clark, spokesman for Loomis, a Houston-based cash-handling company. Cole's boss, Bob Hauser, said he can't give her a raise or a bonus for her good deed because she's a government employee. But maybe, he said, he can arrange some extra time off. Cole, who grew up in Long Island, said she was raised to be honest. She said she raised her four daughters the same way. Did she think for just a minute about keeping the money? ''Everyone keeps asking me that,'' Cole said. ''To be honest, no. It didn't even cross my mind.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/1042007/w ... 65-000.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cover Windows With Plastic Put plastic over your windows in the cold months, especially if you have single pane windows.. You would be surprised how much cold air gets through your seals in an older home. It is especially true this year with energy costs likely to go through the roof. The kits for that are pretty well impossible to find nowadays, but you can use pallet-wrap. It is just shrink wrap on 3 or 4 foot wide rolls, used to wrap around loaded pallets to keep everything together and protected. You can get that and wide scotch tape at warehousing needs suppliers. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
The Eyeglass Prescription for women Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too. The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

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Dear Webby: : Eudora disabled by recent McAfee update 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 8, 2007

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. --- Laurence J. Peter
Thanks to Cookie for this story: Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago." "Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

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This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" "Oh, your name never came up," she replied Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shannon Whisnant in Maiden, North Carolina Ghoul October 2, 2007 - Greenville, South Carolina - BBC John Wood's smoker was sold to Shannon Whisnant last week after he fell behind on payments at the storage facility in North Carolina where it was kept. He wants his leg back but Mr. Whisnant says he has a receipt for the smoker's contents and wants to share ownership. Mr. Wood's leg was amputated above the knee after a plane crash in 2004. He asked to keep the leg so he could be buried as a whole man when he died, and stored it at the facility in Maiden after losing his home. But when Mr. Wood failed to pay the necessary rental fees, the storage company auctioned the smoker and all its contents. After buying the smoker last Tuesday, Mr. Whisnant looked inside and found a man's leg wrapped in a wire screen. He initially gave the leg to the police, who concluded it had not been removed as a result of a crime and sent it to a funeral home until Mr. Wood could pick it up. But after making money by charging adults $3 (£1.47) and children $1 (49p) to look inside the empty smoker, Mr. Whisnant asked for it back. His request was refused by the funeral home, so he decided to try to persuade Mr. Wood to share custody and profits. "I told him I'd share custody of it..." Mr. Whisnant said. Mr. Wood, who now lives in Greenville, South Carolina, has insisted he is not interested in using the leg to make money and plans to travel to Maiden as soon as possible to reclaim it. "I just think it's despicable," he said. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7024124.stm
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Sunday's sunset
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Geo Re: McAfee malfunction Dear Webby: I disabled the McAfee email protection and was able to download my email. I also went to the McAfee and sent them a message. Geo Dear Geo Good! I hope McAfee will not be too snooty to reply to you. Usually they just quietly make a fix and never admit that they had screwed up. This problem did not seem to affect ALL Eudora users who got a McAfee update on Friday, but nobody else. If somebody does not have Eudora AND McAfee, they were not affected. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman, who left, shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Deeli's Kudos October 1, 2007 Sao Paulo, Brazil - AP A 51-year-old surrogate mother for her daughter has given birth to her own twin grandchildren in northeastern Brazil, the delivery hospital said. Rosinete Palmeira Serrao, a government health worker, gave birth to twin boys by Caesarean section on Thursday at the Santa Joana Hospital in the city of Recife, the hospital said in a statement on its Web site. Hospital officials were not available for comment on Sunday, but press reports said the grandmother and twins were discharged on Saturday in excellent health. Serrao decided to serve as a surrogate mother after four years of failed attempts at pregnancy by her 27-year-old daughter, Claudia Michelle de Brito. Brazilian law stipulates that only close relatives can serve as surrogate mothers. De Brito is an only child and none of her cousins volunteered, so Serrao agreed to receive four embryos from her daughter. http://www.happynews.com/news/1012007/w ... ildren.htm


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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Easy Tip Calculations Here's a trick for computing a 15% tip in your head. Start by calculating 10% of the bill and then add half. For example, if the bill is $24 dollars, a 15% tip would be $2.40 (10%) plus $1.20 (half of 15%), for a total of $3.60. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Bob for this story: Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged. Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit. Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all col- lapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apart- ment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!" As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?" "Sure," he replied. "Did you run into any problems?" "No." "Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!" Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said, "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Thanks to Chris for this story: A few years ago I went to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that enough Germans would speak English so that I could at least get around. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I just nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German. "No," I confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train, going in the wrong direction, and that there was no scheduled stop for another hour."

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Dear Webby: Bad McAfee Update 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 7, 2007

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. --- Charles Bukowski
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it..."
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

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Thanks to Craig for this one: Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate me" speech once from Juanita. I promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day. I took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert. She's never mentioned it since. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Ginevan of Bunker Hill, West Virginia Low Speed Chase October 3, 2007 - Martinsburg, West Virginia - AP A man accused of drunken driving tried to outrun the police but his vehicle wasn't up to the task. Michael Ginevan of Bunker Hill was driving a riding lawnmower on Runnymeade Road about a mile from his home when a Berkeley County sheriff's deputy attempted to pull him over. Ginevan, 39, allegedly sped away and Deputy J.H. Jenkins stopped his cruiser and gave chase on foot, according to magistrate court records. Jenkins caught up to the lawnmower after a short chase but Ginevan allegedly wouldn't stop so the deputy pulled him off the machine. Ginevan refused to take a field sobriety test and was arrested. Jenkins then found a case of beer strapped to the lawnmower's front, court records show. Ginevan was charged with fleeing while driving under the influence and obstructing an officer. He was being held Tuesday at the Eastern Regional Jail on $7,500 bond. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/custom ... 0491.story
Thanks to Dave for sending this picture: Some people are really fussy about deadines!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Geo Re: Comcast Dear Webby: up until yesterday my Eudora 7.1.0.9 was working fine. I could send and receive emails via comcast.net AND gmail.com. Yestereday Eudora stopped receiving from comcast! Gmail still works for both send and receive. I tried to contact comcast support but all they could do was insist that they didn't support Eudora! Have you previously discussed anything like this? And can you help resolve this? Thanks - Geo Dear Geo As you probably have found out, it takes a positive IQ number to use and/or support Eudora. I am not surprised that Comcast admits that they don't quite qualify for that. Your Eudora problem may be connected to a bad McAfee update that went out yesterday. People from totally different countries and with totally different ISPs suddenly experienced exactly the same problem as you did. The only thing they all had in common was that they all used Eudora, and that it worked just fine until yesterday's McAfee update. Try contacting McAfee and see what they can do. By now they may have a fix to undo that bad update. It didn't affect all Eudora users, but I personally know a few who were affected exactly the same as you were. Before the Friday McAfee update their Eudora had worked flawlessly for many years, then after that update it stopped and did not latch on to POP servers any more. Please let me know what you find out from McAfee! Good luck! DearWebby
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Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

Deeli's Kudos September 20, 2007 - Fort Gratiot Township, Michigan - AP An insistent 6-year-old girl who spotted a buck falling into a 6-foot-deep window well at her first-grade teacher's home is being credited with helping to save the deer's life. On Wednesday afternoon, Abby Smith told teacher Linda Aho that the deer had fallen into a hole at Aho's St. Clair County home, which is located adjacent to Lighthouse Christian Academy's playground. Aho said she thought Abby was kidding, but the girl — who lives in nearby Burtchville Township — kept insisting and burst into tears when the students lined up to go inside and nobody had checked out her claim. ''I didn't believe her until she started to cry,'' Aho told the Times Herald of Port Huron. The school sent staff members to Aho's house, where they found the 80- to 100-pound buck. John Borkovich, an officer with the state Department of Natural Resources, and Jason Schultz, who drives a wrecker for Preferred Towing, soon arrived to help. Borkovich wrapped the deer in a blanket and rigged a harness. Schultz used the wrecker to hoist the buck out of the hole. The deer was disoriented, and Borkovich guided him into a nearby patch of trees. Mike DeLong, director of Lighthouse Christian Academy, said staff planned to show students pictures of the deer and let them know it was rescued. http://www.happynews.com/news/9202007/g ... e-deer.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Breaking Up a Dog Fight The best way to break up a dog fight is to throw water on the dogs. This will usually startle the dogs enough to stop the fighting. Breaking up a dog fight with your hands can be very dangerous as you are liable to get bit or scratched. In winter, when thawed out water may be hard to come by, gonging them with an empty plastic 5 gallon pail usually gets their attention, especially if it is the same pail that you use to feed them. It may look cruel, but is a lot better than letting them kill or injure each other. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ah, no. That wasn't my husband. My husband just walked in the front door."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATE!!!"

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Dear Webby: Roll back from IE7 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 6, 2007

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. --- Socratex We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can. --- Cullen Hightower Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. --- Elbert Hubbard
A small guy is drinking beer and All of a sudden another punches him and says "Karate chop from Japan." The small guy gets up and moves away. The same guy comes again and throws him. He then says "Judo throw from China". The small guy goes out and is gone for an hour. He comes back, knocks the guy out, and tells the bartender "When he comes to, tell him that was a 24 inch pipe wrench from Sears."
Moshe Rosenberg is a new recruit in the British Army. One day an officer asked him "What is your name?" "Moshe Rosenberg" he replied. The officer responded "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army. What is your name?" "Sir Moshe Rosenberg."

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I was attending an outdoor music concertwith a young woman I'd recently met. Standing at the back of the crowd, we wrapped our arms around each other, swaying to the music. After a particularly romantic song, my date turned to face me. With a loving smile, she said, "I wish we were closer..." Totally thrilled, I looked into her eyes and whispered, "Do you mean our houses or our philosophies?" Puzzled, she replied, "...to the stage." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the hospital in tebric, Czech Republic Sent in by Chuck Bar gossip leads to nasty surprise for couple Thu Oct 4, 2007 9:34am ET PRAGUE (Reuters) - A Czech couple who decided to take a DNA test to squash persistent pub gossip and prove that their 10-month-old baby was their own got a nasty surprise. The couple, from the southeastern town of Trebic, had some doubts about the child as her hair was blonde and they both had dark hair. Fellow drinkers' suspicions got on their nerves. But the test showed neither of the parents had the same DNA as the baby, Czech news agency CTK reported Wednesday, suggesting a mix-up at the hospital. Authorities are looking into the case.
Thanks to Dianne for forwarding this picture: Matterhorn
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wendy Re: IE7 wow, Webby I read the explanation of how to remove Earthlink. Wish you could do the same with that stupid trial version of office 2007!!! I even wrote to MS and they gave me the same answer to go into add/remove, which doesn't work and I wrote back and told them that. They sent more gibberish. Now the list in my favorites have disappeared. I searched the MS online support and nothing is there. Am waiting for their reply to that question. I downloaded IE 7 several weeks ago - still trying to get used to it. What are your views on IE 7? Wendy Dear Wendy My views re IE7 are the same as my views about VISTA. I even carry an IE7 Blocker in my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools You can un-install IE7 and your old IE6 will re-surface. Then you can install that IE7 Blocker, so that stupid snake can't slither in during a security update. With Office, I would just switch to Open Office and get used to that. From what I read, the switch from MS-Office to Open Office is less hassle than upgrading from MS-Office 2003 to MS-Office 2007. Have FUN! DearWebby
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You're past your prime if you remember when a man going on a date brought flowers instead of the clothes he planned on wearing to work the next day.

Deeli's Kudos October 3, 2007 - Torrance, California - AP Mooning a police officer was community activist Steven Lee Myrick's undoing. Myrick, 41, was convicted by a jury Tuesday of raping a Hawthorne woman during a burglary seven years ago. The crime was unsolved until he exposed his bare buttocks years later and a DNA sample collected by officers linked him to the rape. Jurors deliberated less than a day before finding Myrick guilty of residential burglary and two counts of rape. He faces multiple life terms when sentenced Nov. 5 because jurors found true special allegations that a gun was used, the burglary was gang-related and the rape occurred during a burglary while the victim was tied up, Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney Jodi Link said. "Thank goodness for DNA," Link said. Defense attorney James Cooper wouldn't comment on the verdict. After Myrick was convicted of mooning officers outside his Watts housing project during a demonstration, he was required to submit a DNA sample for a law enforcement database. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200710 ... 4E3G0.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Mow Wet Grass Try to avoid mowing your lawn when it's wet. The clippings will stick to the blade and interior of the mower and will clog it. If you do mow grass when it's a little wet, spray the blade with some spray cooking oil (like Pam) to help prevent sticking. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

About the only thing a man can look down on and still heartily approve of is a low-cut dress.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time. So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings." "That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: John Deere Robo Jack
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Dear Webby: Remove Earthlink Total Access 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  October 5, 2007

Wear something red to show your support for the troops!


"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it." --- Upton Sinclair All that we are is the result of what we have thought. --- Buddha You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. --- Dolly Parton I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them." --- Robert Orben
They were burying Irish Pat today and the Irish Priest was explaining to the congregation that before they could put Pat to rest, someone had to get up and say something nice about Pat, even though Pat was a womanizer, a drunk and a fighter. No one got up. So the priest got up again and said,"Maybe I didn't explain me-self properly. Before we can put Paddy in his grave, one of you MUST get up and say something nice about the man. It's our duty as Irishmen and Catholics." So as the priest sat down again, Little Murphy in the back pew got up, cleared his throat, and with his porkpie hat in his hand said, "His brother was even worse!".
The story is told of a Russian named Ivanovich who visited the Moscow zoo for the first time. To his amazement, he found a little lamb sharing the cage with a big fierce bear. Ivanovich expressed surprise to his guide. The guide smiled and said, "That is peaceful coexistence." When Ivanovich shook his head in a doubtful way, the guide explained, "Of course, we have to put in a fresh lamb every morning..."

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A handsome young man walks into a chemist shop which is owned and run by two old spinster sisters. The man said to the two old women, "Every time I see a woman, I get the urge to hug and kiss her, and to make mad, passionate love. Is there anything you can give me for this?" The two old women whispered to each other for a moment, and then one of them replied, "My sister and I will give you $200 a week and the two-room flat above the shop." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Hugh Williams of triad, North Carolina October 2, 2007 - Greensboro, North Carolina - WSBTV A Triad man who was trying to rid his home of yellow jackets is now looking for a new place to live. Authorities said Hugh Williams first sprayed insecticide in a hole next to the house, but that didn't kill the bugs. He then stuck paper in the hole and lit it. The insecticide propellant, propane, caused a flame to shoot out of the hole against his house and all the way up the attic. The fire spread into the house and the attic, authorities said. "We certainly do not advocate the burning out of these insects, although it may work," said assistant Greensboro Fire Chief David Douglas. The family is safe, and no injuries were reported, but about $80,000 worth of damage was done to the home. Fire officials said the house has been condemned until repairs can be made. Williams did not want to be interviewed. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14250002/detail.html
Thanks to Ross for this picture: Ross wants you to join his bike club and ride for daily exercise in fresh air.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucille Re: Earthlink Total Access Dear Webby, Recently, Earthlink or Embarq decreed that my email service would change. I was advised that Earthlink Access would no longer work. I tried to delete it. I think I partially succeeded, but now I have a window I cannot eliminate called Total Access Core Applications. I have pressed cancel, tried the escape key, tried alt F4... and of course, my problems all started when I went to the control panel and tried "ad/remove" I called Earthlink for help. I sat on hold for a half hour. A very kind lady named Stephanie kept coming on the line to assure me she was still trying to get me tech help. Finally, I talked to a guy from Bombay who gave me the number I had just called as a source of help. Do you have any ideas? Lucille Dear Lucille I went onto the Earthlink Support Live Chat, because my lack of patience with the phone support boneheads just leads to hostile and abusive language. Live text chat is instant, no waiting, and I have a log. They told me to tell you this and emailed me a log of the chat: 1) Click on Start --> 2) Run --> 3) Type regedit and click on Ok --> 4) You'll get the registry editor window --> 5) On the left hand side, you have a folder called HKEY_Current User - Click on the + sign next to the folder --> 6) Under that folder, you have software folder - click on the + sign next to that --> 7) Under the software folder, you have the EarthLink folder - right click on it and delete it --> 8) Compress all the folders by clicking on the ( -) sign --> 9) Click on the folder called HKEY_Local machine - Click on the + sign next to the folder --> 10) Under that folder, you have software folder - click on the + sign next to that --> 11) Under the software folder, you have the EarthLink folder - right click on it and delete it --> 12) Compress all the folders by clicking on the ( -) sign. 13) Close the window. 14) Restart the computer. I asked them if they have a single-click fix.reg file for accomplishing that, but she replied that they don't have anybody familiar enough with Windows to write one. Have FUN! DearWebby
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That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," Jill stated irately to Lin. "You didn't do it, did you?" asked Lin. "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add," Jill replied. "What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband that the rent is paid up for six months!"

Deeli's Kudos October 2, 2007 - Scottboro, Alabama - AP A Scottboro couple recently celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary, one of the longest marriages among living people when compared to reports in the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records. Alonzo, 97, and Beulah Sims, 94, celebrated their anniversary a day early Sunday at the nursing home where they have lived since May 2002. Without their families' approval, the two teens married in 1927, when he was working at a farm, plowing fields with a mule and picking cotton for 50 cents a day. The couple, who raised six children, credit their long lives to hard farm work and eating lots of vegetables. They moved frequently to find farm work, going from Paint Rock Valley near Garth to Atchley Bottom in Madison County and then to Woodville in the 1960s. They said their eight decades of marriage have been virtually free of fussing. "We've been too busy to fight," Beulah Sims said. Alonzo Sims retired from farming in 1966 and did janitorial work at Redstone Arsenal until 1972. They also operated service stations in Paint Rock and Woodville for a few years. Now, they spend their time visiting other residents at the nursing home, listening to gospel music, and playing bingo. "After all these years," he said, "I still enjoy being with her." http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jtY2 ... wD8S1BFM02


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Baking Soda Make a paste of baking soda with water for a mild abrasive. You can use it instead of Comet or other abrasive cleaners for cleaning bathroom fixtures. It works well for cleaning spots off chrome and stainless steel. It can also be added to your laundry as a booster (1/2 cup should work). Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A gentleman goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?" The tourist guide says, "Yes, it's safe. You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa." The tourist replied, "But I heard there may still be some cannibals around here." The guide answered, "There are NO cannibals here. I'm sure. We ate the last one yesterday."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed. "You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister..."

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Dear Webby: Open Office Compatibility 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  October 4, 2007

Tomorrow is Friday!
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!


It is not the size of a man but the size of his heart that matters. --- Evander Holyfield If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. --- Edith Wharton
Thanks to Vickey for this story: I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I tried to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on My Computer, the Add/Uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So I decided to go to the computer store to see if I could buy one. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked if I was trying to get smart with her. Then she said, rather rudely I thought, that she could not help me and walked away. Huh, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, the salesguy kind of sniggered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him, 'Yeah, maybe that, but I think I already have one installed'. He started laughing and said something about me killing him. 'You're killing me' -- like that, and walked away. Hmmm, must be out of stock here, too. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck but I had fallen off the wagon a few times. He said that explains it and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like 'idiot' under his breath and walked away. Anyway, I figured they must not carry them in stores, maybe I have to order from a catalogue or something. That's where I am now. So, if any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it.
Thanks to Ross for this story: A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of BS, it takes all morning."

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Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Whipsnade Zoo in Bedfordshire, England Triggerhappy jerks Swptember 30, 2007 - London, UK - CNews A runaway chimp was shot dead after breaking out of his enclosure at an English zoo, his keepers said. Chimpanzees Jonnie and Coco broke out of their compound Friday morning at the Whipsnade Zoo in Bedfordshire, 55 kilometres north of London. The Zoological Society of London, which runs the zoo, said Coco was recaptured, but Jonnie could not immediately be caught and they decided he had to be killed. "It's just standard procedure, if the animal cannot be quickly and safely recaptured it will be shot," spokeswoman Alice Henchley said. Jonnie, an adult male, was gunned down by the zoo's specially trained firearms squad, Henchley said. She added that Jonnie and Coco's keepers were still trying to figure out how the chimps escaped. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 88-ap.html ---------------- Bunch of stupid wimps! There was no need for that at all! See today's Kudo
The judge did not say HOW she had bring the car back.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Open Office Compatibility Dear Webby, Does Open Office work with Word o.k., opening attachments, and documents? Thank you for suggesting it. Ron Dear Ron yes, sure! It goes even further than WORD. You can make PDF files without having to shell out big bucks for Adobe. You can even pick up an MS-WORD doc, open it with OpenOffice and save it as a PDF file. Not everybody is stuck in the MS-Mud ! With more and more companies upgrading from MS-Office to Open Office or Star Office (Open office + Support package provided by SUN), the schools are again at the same spot where they were a dozen years ago, when they finally realized that very few of the students would encounter a school type Mac computer in real life after school. For industry and commerce the future is quite clear. Are you going to pay $500 + per seat for MS-Office, or get 15% MORE horsepower from Open Office for free ? For a 1000 employee company, that is a half Million Dollar question with a very predictable answer. Just like MS-Office has it's quirks and peculiarities, so does Open office. The switch is not quite "Same stuff, different color", but requires about the same amount of learning and adjusting as a version upgrade while staying with the same program. That is definitely no deterrent to switching. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Barbara and Nate, more than slightly hung over from last nights party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast. What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred. "Darling," said Nate "this is slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it you I made love to in the library last night?" His wife was thoughtful for a moment and finally said: "About what time?"

Deeli's Kudos Moose takes a stroll through car dealership BROOMFIELD, Colo. (UPI) -- An auto dealership in Colorado had an unusual visitor cruise the aisles of automobiles -- an 800-pound moose. Eric Erbsland -- sales manager at the Sill-TerHar's Ford-Lincoln-Mercury dealership in Bloomfield -- said no one wanted to confront the animal after it was discovered lost among the cars last week, The Rocky Mountain News reported. "He started out at our service department, then ran all the way through, past every single new car, then pulled a U-Turn and ran right at us," said Erbsland. "That's when we ran." The moose eventually was stopped with tranquilizer darts and moved into a horse trailer -- with the help of a front-loader. Before the male yearling awoke, it was relocated to a park hundreds of miles away and was allowed to wander free. The moose had to cross several roads to get to the car dealership, the newspaper said. ----------------- What does a Ford-Lincoln-Mercury dealership use tranquilizer darts for, when there are no amorous moose around? To settle warranty disputes and calm down patrons after they see the repair bills?


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spices and Seasoning One of the keys to cooking from scratch is having a good supply of quality spices. Keep an eye open for sales or buy spices in large containers from a warehouse store or by weight in some health stores and refill your spice bottles. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a professor. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
GROAN ALERT Thanks to Sharon for this: This was in the News yesterday. A Woman that lives in Galesburg was weed-eating her lawn. She accidentally cut off the tail of her favorite Cat. She rushed her Cat along with the tail over to the new Super Walmart! You might ask, why Walmart? Walmart is the largest reTAILER in town.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ghost Stitchers
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: MS-Office conflict 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 3, 2007

The first telescope was demonstrated by Dutch lensmaker Hans Lippershey today in 1608.
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday." "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put more men on the job?" said the little girl.
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anaesthetic; after he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man, "he don't know nothing now."

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Wayne Cadle, 19, South Charleston, WV Texting himself to jail September 21, 2007 - South Charleston, West Virginia - AP A man who thought he was asking a friend about a drug deal instead sent a text message to the state police and was arrested, authorities said. Joshua Wayne Cadle, 19, allegedly sent the message Wednesday to a phone number that used to belong to an unidentified friend. The number is now held by the State Police, Trooper B.H. Moore said Thursday. "He text messaged that and asked his friend if he wanted to buy some reefer," Moore said. Another trooper who received the message responded and set up a meeting. Moore arrested Cadle on Wednesday night in the parking lot of a shopping center in South Charleston. Cadle, of Cross Lanes, was charged with delivery of a controlled substance and possession with intent to deliver. He was being held Thursday in the South Central Regional Jail. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/ ... 4204.shtml
How times and ads change!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wendy Re: MS-Office conflict Dear Webby Not sure if I have bothered you before with this problem or not. I downloaded a free trial version of MS Office 2007. A Gateway tech could not uninstall it, (he had remote control). They said the trial version was messing with the standard (non-trial) 2003 version I have, and that is why I cannot open certain attachments any more, i.e..dat,.doc or even pps. I was told I needed the 2003 disc which I don't have. Have tried to research removing 2007 office in MS (as told to do by MS tech) but can't find anything except something about Beta. Am very unsavy and it's hard for me to understand allot of the mumbo jumbo. Is there anything youcan do to help me? Hope I didn't confuse you!!! Love all your help and look forward to reading you newsletter every day. Wendy Dear Wendy Try to un-install that Beta If you can't, then you are stuck with buying either a 2003 or a 2007 CD. You probably won't get any useful help from Microsoft. They will assume that your 2003 is a copy pirated from a friend. They still think that they have no competition and act like they got you by the short and curly hairs. However, there IS competition. You can use Open Office: http://www.openoffice.org/ It is free, and has stuff that MS-Office doesn't have yet. Have FUN! DearWebby
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When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors. When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

Deeli's Kudos September 2, 2007 - Gimundo Guide dogs may soon be searching the job pages for a new gig. There's a new guide in town helping to assist many blind people across the country – and this guide just happens to be a horse, of course. Due to a critical shortage of guide animals for the blind and visually impaired in the US, The Guide Horse Foundation was founded in 1999. The Foundation is an experimental program that helps train and place miniature horses as assistance animals. In early experiments, guide horses have shown great promise as a mobility option. The small horses have proven to be quite capable of keeping their people safe. These friendly horses may provide an alternative mobility option for blind people who have a dog allergy or phobia. Further, the guide horses are not easily distracted by crowds, possess an excellent memory, and have a uniquely docile nature. The guide horses also tend to live much longer than dogs, and cost less money to train. Mr. Ed would be proud. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/5 ... Guide_Dogs


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fireplace Match Replacement If you run out of fireplace matches use a long piece of spaghetti. Just light the spaghetti and use it as a match. Also works for lighting candles that have wicks that are tough to reach (like birthday candles). Spaghetti also works great for lighting gas furnaces if a storm or gas interruption extinguishes the pilot lights. I have used spaghetti for many years for that. You can get the flame right to the precise spot without singing your fingers. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Airman Johnson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Johnson had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Johnson's sales pitch. Johnson explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Thanks to Nina from Oz for this story: Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays." Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya silly idiot. Where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Get the Skinny on Your Town
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Forward Flags 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 2, 2007

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. --- Miguel de Cervantes
Thanks to Connie for this story: Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?” “Dang,” says his friend, “and I just joined The Elks!!”

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Thanks to Barry for this story: A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name? "Maury Fishbein" he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a wall." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award goes to Carol Anne Gotbaum, formerly of New York Submitted by Ross Anti-Houdini NEW YORK - The daughter-in-law of the city’s public advocate was found dead in a police holding cell in Arizona, where she had been taken in handcuffs after being arrested at an airport, authorities and relatives said. "We are extraordinarily upset," said Betsy Gotbaum, the city’s public advocate, in Sunday editions of the Daily News. She added that her daughter-in-law had three young children. "It’s a very delicate matter." Authorities were investigating if Carol Anne Gotbaum choked herself while trying to get free from the handcuffs. The 45-year-old New Yorker was arrested Friday after a conflict with gate crews who refused to allow her to board a plane, said Sgt. Andy Hill, a Phoenix police spokesman. The airline said the plane was already preparing to depart. She was rebooked on the next flight, but "she became extremely irate, apparently running up and down the gate area," US Airways spokesman Derek Hanna said Saturday. Officers handcuffed her and took her to the holding room, where she continued her screaming, authorities said. Hill said officers checked on her when she stopped screaming and found her unresponsive. Hill said it appears Gotbaum may have tried to get out of her handcuffs, became tangled in the process and the cuffs ended up around her neck. A cause of death will be determined by the Maricopa County Medical Examiner. "She was very agitated and irate and angry," Hill said. "These are the things that led to the disorderly conduct arrest." Authorities said neither a Taser nor pepper spray was used on the woman. ---------------------- Now THAT takes real talent. I wonder if anybody else has ever succeeded in killing themsleves that way?
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Martin Re: Forward marks Sorry about all the forward marks that will likely appear. It's the biggest problem I have with Thunderbird. Anything I try to drag into a new email (or drag it up in the original) leaves only a blank outline with a red dot in the upper left corner. That's what I miss about my old NS 4.8 more than anything. ;-( Martin Dear Martin Go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and look for this icon: With the Strip program you can strip all the AOL flags off any text. Highlight the text that you want to forward, CTRL C Jump to Strip CTRL V Ctrip Copy Close and you are back in the email program. CTRL V to paste and you got text as clean as if you had written it yourself. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills.."

Deeli's Kudos September 26, 2007 - New York Times Just one laptop for $399 sounds like a pretty crazy deal – but did you ever imagine you could buy two computers for that rock-bottom price? Yes, it's for real. But before you start wondering what you'll do with two brand-new laptops, don't get too attached: Only one computer is yours to keep or donate to a local school or charity. The other laptop will be given as a tax-deductible donation to a child in a developing nation, through a new program called "Give 1 Get 1." The new brand of laptop computers, called XO Laptops, are specially designed for children, with built-in cameras and peer-to-peer technology that allows kids around the world to chat with one another. They are also extremely durable, which should keep them from falling apart during the bumpy rides to the rural villages where they'll be delivered. Want to buy a couple of computers for a good cause? Visit the organization's website, http://laptop.org.


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at tenempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pay Yourself First We have direct deposit and our credit union will automatically transfer a set amount of money each pay period to our savings account. At first it hurt a little but now we don't even think about it. It's like another bill we pay except it's to ourselves! By Cheryl Many companies also have a payroll deduction savings plan with better interest, than you get downtown. Definitely worth checking out! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale. A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things. A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Seville, one of the oldest cities of Spain:
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Fire Station 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 1, 2007

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. --- Joan Rivers The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing. --- Nancy Astor
Thanks to Patricia for bringing back this classic: Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'."

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Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lutheran pastors in Sweden Sexist September 22, 2007 - Stockholm, Sweden - AFP Brides in Stockholm who want their fathers to walk them down the aisle are likely to be told it can't be done, as some pastors are refusing to allow the practice they say is sexist, a pastor said on Friday. "In Sweden we have worked hard in many different ways to eliminate everything that is unequal," a Lutheran Church vicar in the Stockholm region, Yvonne Hallin, told AFP. She said she would not allow the custom in her parish, and noted that Stockholm's bishop issued a recommendation in 2003 that pastors discourage it. Hallin said she has informed a father who was to walk his daughter down the aisle on Saturday that he would not be doing so. The mother of the bride, who was shocked by the news, told Swedish news agency TT that the ceremony would go ahead as planned but that the couple had had to give in to the pastor's wishes. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070921/o ... ge_offbeat
Thanks to Wendy for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allison Re: MSN voting problem Hello from South Australia. I am a complete novice at computing and am hoping you can help me out. When I try to vote for your great newletter my email programme closes down when I try to type in my email address. A sign comes up and says a malfunction has occured. Do you know what can be causing this as I would love to vote for you? Thanks in advance. Love, Allison Dear Allison You will have to ask MSN support about that. I don't know anything about MSN, and have not heard from any other MSN users having that problem. Sorry, can't help you there! Good Luck DearWebby
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A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?" "I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply. The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?" Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

Deeli's Kudos September 30, 2007 - Seattle, Washington - Seattle PI The man at the back of the Metro bus was older, wore glasses and apparently drew the attention of a group of gang members who reportedly began harassing him. But when one of them tried to take the man's glasses, he pulled a knife and fought back, Seattle police said. "He began swinging at his attackers in self-defense," spokeswoman Renee Witt said. When the melee was over, four of the teens had cuts, including some with superficial cuts to their buttocks, and one had a dislocated shoulder. The man was not hurt. The incident began about 11:15 p.m. on a northbound bus traveling along Rainier Avenue South, Witt said. The five teens boarded near Rainer Beach High School, having attended a football game there, she said. Police reports described the teens as known to officers and active members of a local gang. Officers called to the bus after the fight initially believed the wounded teenagers were the victims, until other passengers aboard the bus told officers that it was the teens who started the disturbance. All were treated at the scene by Seattle Fire Department medics and released to their parents, Witt said. The man was interviewed and released; his knife taken as evidence. Detectives on Monday expect to review videotape of the fight captured on cameras mounted in the bus, Witt said. Charges are likely to be filed against at least some of the teens, Witt said, but that decision rests with the King County Prosecutors Office. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/333 ... ource=mypi


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy The Right Grade, Not the Most Expensive You don't need to buy the highest priced gasoline. Most cars are built to run on regular unleaded. Check your owners manual or consult a mechanic. I have had many tell me that the more expensive gas is a waste of money. That is correct! The octane rating is just the ping rating, and except during very hard and sporty driving or towing a trailer uphill, totally irrelevant. If your engine does not ping during normal driving, then there is no need to buy gas with a higher octane rating. Under normal conditions, power, performance and efficiency depend only on how many calories or BTU's you get per Liter or Gallon. That is the same for both types of gas, even in the rare cases where they actually have separate tanks, not just separate filler hoses. If you are concerned about keeping the engine clean, run it hot, in the upper third of "Normal", at least once per month. Because of slow traffic and radiators made to be good enough for Texas, you may need a piece of cardboard to restrict the air flow to the radiator. Keep an eye on the temperature gauge and remove the cardboard if the temperature goes into the red. Also check the radiator fluid regularly. Proper engine temp is more important than any gasoline additives. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Dianne for this story: 50 years ago, the Dodgers left Brooklyn for LA... From that first game in LA I remeber this: It was the first year the Dodgers played in L.A., 1958, and it was a beautiful Spring Friday when my father showed up at 10:00 in the morning and took me out of school to go see the game. As we were pulling away from the school, my father spots a priest walking across the playground. He tells me to go ask the priest if we can get a dispensation to eat hot dogs instead of fish today. So I jump out of the car and run over to the priest and ask him. He wrinkles his forehead and it looks like he's reviewing canonical law in his head. Finally he looks down at me and says, "I think getting out of school is enough dispensation for one day." So I tell my father this and he just grunts and nods and begins to pull away again, but as he pulls up even with the priest, he stops the car and rolls down his window. Then he leans out and says, "Any man who wouldn't let a little kid have a hot dog at the ballpark is a jerk!" I was aghast. I was certain my father had just committed a mortal sin, at the least, and that if he didn't confess his immortal soul would be in jeopardy. "Dad!" I exclaimed, "he's a PRIEST!" "Oh, excuse me," my father says, then he rolls down his window again and calls out, "Father Jerk!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
One psychiatrist has discovered a great way to get his patients to talk freely. He puts a cell phone in their hands.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lightbulb Sculpture
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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