Dear Webby: : Instant messengers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 16, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them? --- Abraham Lincoln When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves." --- William Arthur Ward
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's the only fringe benefit I get for owning the company."
They were having their first fight, and finally he said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." She said, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture: Tried to take a picture of the moon, but this ghost got in the way. Deeli
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Adriano Germano, 56, in Mallare, Italy Shot hunter gets bullet An Italian council worker is getting the bullet from his bosses - after he was shot on a hunting trip when he should have been working. Adriano Germano, 56, an engineer, turned up to work and told bosses he was going out on an all-day job to help fix some water pipes. But he snuck off after clocking in to go hunting in nearby forests with some pals - and ended up in hospital for 20 days when a pal accidentally blasted him with a shotgun. Suspicious bosses in Mallare, northern Italy, called in police when they heard about the injury and discovered what had happened. Now he's facing jail on charges of defrauding the state. A police spokesman said: "The man had tried to claim that his injuries were a result of him doing his job. "But he was a bit stuck to come up with an explanation as to how he had been peppered with shot from a hunting gun while working on pipes."
I was listening to one of Larry the Cable Guy's clips on the radio and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. "She wanted me to rent that 'Scent of a Woman' movie, but I couldn't find it. So I brought home 'A Fish Called Wanda'."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Instant messengers Dear Webby I got in big trouble at work for using Yahoo messenger to chat with a client. It was work related, not chit-chat, but the boss said NO messengers are safe, especially not Yahoo. I know you use some kind of messenger for tech support, so there must be some, or one, that is safe. What do you use? Eileen Dear Eileen We use Skype. It is securely encrypted and rock solid. I can look up the history 6 years back and search for anything. Unless you use Eudora, you can't do that with your email. We also use Skype for all long distance calls, and most local ones too, because the voice quality is much better. Get comfortable with it on your home machine, then show it to your boss. Don't just start using it. Considering that you got caught using Yahoo messenger, which is indeed neither safe nor reliable, he DOES have reasons to be concerned. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Dianne for this classic: While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Turn Off Water When Brushing Teeth Don't leave the water on while you are brushing your teeth. Turn it off after rinsing your toothbrush and wait to turn it on again when you need to rinse the sink and brush when you are done. Click Here To Visit ThriftyFun For More Green Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be, until the looting started.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Jay Leno's Garage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: : How to make a PDF file 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 15, 2008

The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Thanks to Roland for this Classic: I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
The church was having a play, and one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the fateful day of the pplay. When her turn came, she stood up in front of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window and prayed."
Thanks to Denjan for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to water board workers in Marino, Italy Sent in by Deeli Changed water into wine Rome, Italy - The Telegraph Sparkling chilled white wine instead of water flowed from the taps during the Marino Grape Festival and as part of the event free wine flows from the main fountain in the square too. However, due to a technical error the pipes from the local vineyard which supply the marble fountain were switched to the domestic supply feeding homes at Marino, in the famous wine-making Alban Hills, south of Rome. When mayor Adriano Palozzi, a priest and locals gathered round the fountain following a prayer of thanks to the Virgin Mary, with plastic glasses at the ready for Marino DOC they were left disappointed as instead of fresh wine, out poured the usual water. Then came the shout of "miracolo" from one house overlooking the square and a local rushed out onto her balcony to reveal that wine was flowing from her kitchen tap. One local named as Anna said, "I was in the kitchen ready to do the housework and filled up a bucket with water. "I was going to mop the floor with it but I immediately noticed a sweet smell from the tap and it was also slightly yellow - I recognized instantly it was wine. I called my neighbors and they turned on their taps and it was the same - the word quickly spread and everyone filled up bottles and plastic containers with the wine." "It all happened at the same time as Sagra dell Uva Grape Festival so everyone thought it was a miracle - I don't think that the mayor and the other officials were very happy though." Mayor Palozzi said: "It was a surprise and completely unexpected - workmen are fixing the problem which obviously came about through a technical error.
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Dear Webby Do I understand you correctly in that we can download Open Office at your tool box site, copy our word documents over to Open Office because Open Office will convert the document to a PDF? If I'm correct so far, does that mean we can also save it as a PDF and open it as a PDF? I have copied PDF files, wanting to use them some place else and when I open the PDF file to read it I get mumbo-jumbo...all types of alphabet and numbers mixed up (like a code). This procedure (Word to PDF and save as PDF and open PDF and be able to read it) would be great and very handy for me. Thank you for your continued help. I do not miss a day of reading your Web site! Carol Dear Carol yes, Open Office will open your WORD, WordPerfect, whatever, documents and spreadsheets, and even lets you save them in those formats, not just in industry standard, platform independent Open Document spec. For example, if you have an aunt that still uses StarWriter, you can save it in that format too. If you need something in PDF format, for example a contract or form, to make sure that nobody can make changes on it, and to make sure everybody sees it in exactly the same way, no matter what kind of computer they use, or to upload it to Staples for printing thousands of copies, then you hit ALT F, D (or click on File, Export as PDF ), and it makes a PDF file. That action not destroy or change your document or it's name or format. It's just like a Print To File, or a snapshot of how it would look if printed at that moment.. PDF is a one way street. Think of it as a picture of how a print job would look like, if you printed it right now, and have that picture exported as a PDF file for printing later, when your paper order gets delivered, or when you get a moment of privacy at the big laser printer at work. If you think you might want to edit it some day, then you keep the original file, from which you exported a print job snapshot to PDF, edit that, and make a fresh export. To read PDF files you use FoxIt or Adobe Reader, or any PDF reader. They are free in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools Just keep in mind that PDF files are viewable print jobs, not editable text files. You edit the document or spreadsheet, which you "printed" to PDF format, not the snapshot picture. Because it is nearly impossible to "harvest" a PDF file, when you write an eBook and print it to PDF, nobody can just edit it a bit and put their name in there as the author. The same goes for invoices, contracts, RFQ's (Request for Quotes), etc. People can't change them. Have FUN! DearWebby

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial is set to start early next year.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Buy Items Under Stress Don't buy items when you are stressed out or anxious. Always be prepared to leave a store or a car lot if you don't feel comfortable with your purchase. If you get home and have buyer's remorse, go ahead at take the item back immediately. Any reputable store will allow you to return the item. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Consumer Advice http://www.thriftyfun.com/Consumer%20Advice_1285.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall. The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that a horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?" Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Crosswords
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Visible Alert 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 14, 2008

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. --- Benjamin Franklin Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy. --- Cynthia Nelms
After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She'll know who sent them." The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked. After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed. But a bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home for lunch!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Heidi Kohl, 89, of Rockenhausen, Germany Vandal granny to knit for victims An 89-year-old tire-slashing granny has been sentenced to knit sweaters for her victims. Heidi Kohl was arrested after a slashing spree in Rockenhausen, Germany. She said so many cars parked in and around her road that residents could not find a safe place to cross and she had tried to do something about it. She slashed the tires on dozens of cars thinking that it would put people off parking there. She said: "I was fed up with the situation." Police tracked her down after a car owner saw what she was doing and she was given a fine. As she had no cash to pay she offered to knit jumpers for her victims instead. "When she's knitted the sweaters, then the matter will be over for us," said a prosecution spokesman.
Thanks to Lynn for this story: Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States. At the border, a customs officer asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?" "Any time, Ma'am," the officer said. "We never close the US.."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thea Re: Visible alert Dear Webby I know this isn't necessarily a web or computer question, but you seem to have an engineers compulsion to help and improve things. OK, now that I have buttered you up, here is my question. I have lost my hearing and can't hear my door bell. I live in a rental and can't go rewire things, and the cutesy little chime is down by the door. Is there some solution to those problems? Thea Dear Thea There sure is! Go to X-10 Bell and get their Halloween special. It includes a motion detector that you aim from above the door down to the door mat. Don't aim it too far out, otherwise activity at your neighbor's house will set it off. Then you plug the transceiver and the lamp module in wherever you want a lamp or a fan. Then you simply plug a light or a fan into those. When somebody steps into the area covered by the sensor, the fan or the light comes on. That's all there is to it. Usually that kit costs around $60, but between now and Halloween they got it on special for $20. It also includes a portable chime for those who can hear. Like the lamp module, you can plug it in wherever you have an outlet that is on the same half of the breaker panel as the transceiver. Since the transmitter is good for about 100 feet, that should not be a problem. The motion detector is wireless and talks to the transceiver, which then puts a coded signal onto the electrical system in your house, similar to the way DSL is put onto the phone line. Any X-10 appliance module can read that signal. The motion sensor and the transceiver have a little code wheel that you set to the same number, so that it does not turn on other X-10 controlled stuff that you might have or get. You could, for example get another one for the back door, and turn on a different light with that one. X-10 is not something new. It has been around since the 60's. Have FUN! DearWebby

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Spaghetti from Boiling Over Add a teaspoon of olive oil to your spaghetti water to prevent it from boiling over. Butter or another vegetable oil can be substituted for olive oil. A pat of butter also works well to prevent rice from boiling over. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Cooking Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Migratory Bird Center
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Best video format 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 13, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Day to Canadians!

The entrepreneur always searches for change, responds to it, and exploits it as an opportunity." --- Peter F. Drucker
A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told him, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"
My five-year-old son was alarmed when he heard a car horn honking enthusiastically. "People beep their horns after a couple is married," I explained. "Why?" he asked. "As a warning?"
Thanks to Jim for this picture: New York State - view from Mt. Hadley in the Southern Adirondack Mountains. Jim
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the District Council in Bromsgrove, England Gardener told to take down barbed wire to protect thieves A gardener who put up barbed wire to protect his allotment from thieves has been ordered to take it down in case intruders hurt themselves. Bill Malcolm, 61, was told to "remove it on health and safety grounds" by the local council which owns the allotments in Marlbrook, Worcestershire. He erected the deterrent after thieves struck three times in four months, stealing more than £300 worth of spades, forks, hoes and wrecking his potato patch in the process. Mr Malcolm said: "It's an absolutely ridiculous situation, all I wanted was to protect my property but the wire had to go in case a thief scratched himself. "I told them to let the thief sue me so at least that way I would know who was breaking into my allotment but everything I said fell on deaf ears. "The barbed wire was a single strand and ringing my property only. It was just three foot high and wasn't as though I'd dug a moat filled with piranha and erected six foot iron railings." A spokesman for Bromsgrove District Council made it clear on whose side they stood.
"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?" "Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her white cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arnie Re: Which video format is best? Dear Webby I am trying to put some short videos on my web page. There are so many different formats, that I am totally confused. I don't want to use the rough quality that the kids use on uTube, but I don't want the visitor to have to wait all evening for it to load. What is a good compromise for decent quality and reasonable loading speed? Arnie Dear Arnie The real secret to decent loading speed is a tripod. Compression saves a key frame and then just saves what changes between that and the next frame. If the camera is on a tripod, only the action part changes. If you jitter it around, everything changes. That results in a large final file, which will take much longer to load, no matter what format you use. Next you have to consider your audience. In North America and Asia over 90% of visitors have Flash Player, 75% have Windows Media Player. In Europe they seem to favor Quicktime, not because it is better or faster, -it defintely is not-, but because they tend to be more religious about using non-Microsoft products. Both Flash (flv, swf) and Media Player (wmv) CAN deliver excellent, professional quality video on a decent connetion. On slow connections Flash is usually better. It starts streaming sooner, but it may slow down or even stop, until the loading catches up, and then sometimes give you some very fast motion. When a fast start is not that important, I prefer Media Player format (wmv). The motion is steady throughout, and the video quality is just as good, sometimes even better than with Flash. Have FUN! DearWebby

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wrinkled Slacks But No Iron? If you have wrinkled slacks but no iron, just put the slacks neatly over the towel bar in the bathroom while taking a shower. Be sure to close the bathroom door to trap as much steam as possible. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Laundry Tips Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Thanksgiving
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Monitor Cleaner 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 12, 2008

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. --- Ogden Nash The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. --- B. F. Skinner
*Laws of Life* * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. --------------- Not at the store where I shop. If you buy a single chocolate bar, they don't slide it down to the bag boy, but hand it to you to put into your pocket.
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date. One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy." "You guys know each other?" Barbie asked. "We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kevin Waddington, 40, in York, England One burglary too many YORK, England (UPI) -- An English family says they stopped a burglar who was attempting to steal from their house, sitting on him until police arrived. Julie Broadway, 43, of York said she was awakened at about 2 a.m. by a sound that she initially thought was cats in the house but was revealed to be a burglar when a beam of light went past her bedroom door, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. "I was just angry. There was someone in my house that hadn't been invited," she said. Broadway said she pursued the thief and was soon joined by her husband Glen, a 226-pound former forestry worker who dragged the burglar back into the house and sat on him until police arrived. The couple said at one point, the thief attempted to reach for a knife, but their daughter, Megan, rapped him on the knuckles with an umbrella. Kevin Waddington, 40, who has 143 previous convictions for theft, pleaded guilty in York Crown Court to burglary. His defense attorney said he had been under the influence of drugs and alcohol at the time of the incident.
An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kevin Re: Monitor cleaner Dear Webby Do I need to buy that expensive monitor cleaning fluid, or is there a cheaper alternative? Thanks Kevin Dear Kevin Ordinary Windex or similar glass cleaner works fine. For wiping material you can use micro-fiber cloth, old, well wornand washed T-Shirts cut into rags, anything soft like old cloth diapers or bed sheets. Paper is OK for CRT monitors, but for LCD monitors, which sometimes have soft material on the screen, you definitely should use soft and clean cloth. CRT monitors should be turned off for a while before cleaning. They use powerful electrical attraction to attract the beams of electrons from the back to the front. Some of that attraction also works to attract dirt to the front of the screen. When your Windex liquifies the dirt and the surfactant in it creeps under the dirt to lift it off, it also creeps into the microscopic craters that are etched into the glass, to make it less reflective. Best is to clean it once with just barely enough spray, to get the dirt off, and then once more with plenty of liquid, to clean out the tiny craters. Have FUN! DearWebby

During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products. She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets. The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Furniture Visit your local thrift stores and look for gently used furniture. Keep an open mind. A coat of paint can make many pieces of furniture look new. Even particle board furniture can be painted, just use fine sand paper to lightly scuff the surface first. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Home Improvement Tips If you are going to paint it anyway, don't let nicks, scratches and gouges deter you. Poly-Filla is cheap, and a lot harder than the original wood. Keep that in mind when sanding! Use hard backing for the sand paper. For badly worn cross braces / footrests on tables, make a sleeve from a piece of leftover carpet and attach it with snaps. Soft, fuzzy bathroom ruglets work fine too. They are cheap, and washable. You will be surprised how comfortable they are and how good they look. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendent replied, "$3.10..."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vinegar - 1001 Uses
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Aftermarket Printer Ink 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  October 11, 2008

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers. --- Richard Feynman
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "That sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" Ted replied, "I sold good luck charms...."
After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' was tossing a coin for position...."
Thanks to Joan for this picture on our first walk... I thought I would drop my teeth and camera and everything else... I was carrying. I really got a super thrill .. Heard him BELLOW.... and it was sooooo loud (we were across the street) After I closed my mouth I managed to get these pictures. Joan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Randy Lewis, Sullivan County, Tennessee Man arrested after 10-year-old crashes van BLOUNTVILLE, Tenn. (UPI) -- Authorities in Sullivan County, Tenn., said a man was arrested after allegedly instructing a 10-year-old to drive his van because he was intoxicated. The Sullivan County Sheriffs Office said Randy Lewis was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment and child abuse after the 10-year-old boy, who was one of three children in the vehicle, crashed the Ford Windstar van at speeds exceeding 90 mph, The Smoking Gun reported Tuesday. A sheriff's office affidavit said Lewis admitted after the crash to drinking "at least 15 beers, along with some liquor." The affidavit said cocaine was found in Lewis' system and his blood alcohol content was found to be .26, more than three times the legal state limit for driving. Paula Evans, a female friend of Lewis' who was also in the vehicle, was charged with reckless endangerment and child abuse. All five occupants of the van were treated for their injuries at a local hospital. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in- Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosie Re: Printer ink Dear Webby How safe is the printer ink advertised in emails? in the literature that came with my HP printer, they warn that the warranty will be void if I use any ink except theirs. Their ink is ridiculously expensive, and I either have to switch inks, or printers. What do you recommend? Rosie Dear Rosie I would not take that threat about losing your warranty too seriously. At the low cost of today's printers, it's not worth their while to have people take a broken printer apart. However, you need to be really careful with anything advertised in spam. Remember, legitimate companies don't spam. Aftermarket ink depends a lot on where you buy it. Walmart ink may be cheap, but it is not very high quality. You would not want to use that for pictures, that you want to hang up. However, it is good enough for kid's homework, that is only going to be looked at once. I recommend the ink from Atlantic Inkjet .com We have used atlantic inkjet .com ink and toner here at Webby for eight or more years, and never had any ink or toner related problem. They have very knowledgeable and friendly staff, who treat you like a friend of the family. And their prices are definitely in your favor. They ship instantly and if your order is over $45, shipping is free. Have FUN! DearWebby

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale.....!?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Oil from Your Garage Floor Start by soaking the oil stain with mineral spirits, found in the paint section of your hardware store. Let sit for 3 minutes, then scrub with a stiff bristled brush. After scrubbing, lay newspaper on top and let dry. Then wash with 1 cup laundry detergent, 1 cup bleach, and 1 gallon water. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cleaning Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html You can also just simply use some Zorb-All or any similar dry oil absorbent material. It is cheaper, more effective, easier on the environment, and much easier to use. Zorb-All is actualy a brand name, that has become a generic term, like Xerox or Vise Grip. In your town it may be sold under a different brand, but the people at your automotive parts store will know what you mean. Zorb-All is like kitty litter without deodorant and sparkles and high price. A bag, that will fill two or more 5 gallon buckets, usually costs $6 - $10, depending on the location. Just sprinkle a handful of Zorb-All onto the spill or stain, and move it around a bit with your foot or a broom. Move it around some more an hour later. By next morning it will have absorbed all the oil out of the concrete and you can simply sweep it up. Zorb-All is mostly just bentonite, an agressively absorbent clay. You can just toss it on a gravel driveway or path, and it will go back into the earth, where it and the oil came from. It works on water and anti-freeze spills too. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Museum of Art, Rhode Island
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: PDF 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 10, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Greater things are believed of those who are absent. --- Publius Cornelius Tacitus
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm. "I said 'ewes,'" I argued. "Pardon?" replied the operator. "Ewes. It makes a difference to some people." The ad had read, "Sheep for sale: Used."
Thanks to Wendy for this: Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!" He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it." The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.
Thanks to Wade for this picture Here in North Idaho, at the 23 mile marker of hwy 57 if you look to the east you will see this iconic symbol. The kids around here call it the Dragon Tree, and I find it appropriate. I hope it stands for many years to come. Wade
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Cory Davis in Sekiu, Washington Sent in by Sandie Woman shot herself with a stove The Associated Press Published: Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 2:39 a.m. Last Modified: Thursday, October 9, 2008 at 2:42 a.m. SEKIU, Wash. A woman in Washington state says her cast-iron stove shot her in the leg. Cory Davis tells the Peninsula Daily News that she had just stoked the heating stove in her home Sunday when she heard a loud bang and was struck in her left calf. She says she initially thought "that was one fast hot coal flying at me." In fact, she was hit by part of a 22-gauge shotgun shell that she had accidentally put into the stove with newspapers she used to light it. A box of shells had spilled nearby a few weeks before. Davis says she removed the metal fragment herself Sunday and sought treatment for the shallow wound the next day.
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower." My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anita Re: write PDF files Dear Webby I want to get a flier printed at Staples, but they ask for it in PDF format. I have MS Office, but that can't write in that format. Do I have to buy the full Adobe for $900 just for that? And why is Staples asking for it in that expensive format? Anita Dear Anita PDF is a platform independent format. No matter what kind of computer people use, a PDF page looks exactly the same. That is why most print shops ask for that format. There is no need to buy the full Adobe. Just get Open Office. There is a link to it in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools It is free. With it you can pick up your MS Office files and export them to PDF format, ready to send to any print shop, and it won't cost you a penny. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Vickster for this: Mary says to her daughter, "Ever since I reached 65, I've been feeling that my body had gotten totally out of shape. So I made a big decision - I went to my doctor and got his OK to start doing some exercise. And yest- erday I went to LA Fitness and booked into their aerobics class for seniors." "That's great mom, so how did it go?" asks her daughter. "Well, for thirty minutes I sweated by bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Bacon From Curling You can help prevent bacon from curling when you fry it by dipping it in cold water before cooking it. It also helps to poke a few holes in the bacon before frying it. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A small boy walked into a police station one day and said, 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.' 'Are the any windows in your room?' asked the officer. 'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy. 'Have you tried opening them?' 'What and lose all my pigeons....?'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hubble, The Entire Collection
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: mail sending limits 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 9, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. --- Lucille S. Harper I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. --- Robert McCloskey
Thanks to Roland for this story: The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "No," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A woman asked the dog groomer, "How much to give Fifi a haircut?" "Fifty dollars." "Fifty dollars?! I only pay thirty bucks for my own haircuts." "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"
Thanks to Colleen for this picture of her Mystery Flower
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tommy Fox of Dover, Tennessee Foxed Man named Fox attacked by fox, crashes car DOVER, Tenn. (UPI) -- A Tennessee man named Tommy Fox crashed his car while contending with an attack from a real fox, whose tail he intended to cut off, authorities say. After the Dover man struck a red fox that had dashed in front of his sport utility vehicle last week, he said he thought the animal was dead so he retrieved it from the roadway, planning to cut off its tail for a souvenir, a state wildlife official told Gannett Tennessee. Fox said the animal regained consciousness in the back seat of his SUV and attacked him, causing him to lose control of the vehicle and flip it over into a ditch. Records indicated Fox was treated for minor injuries at the scene by Montgomery County, Tenn., paramedics. The fox was found dead in the vehicle, but Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency wildlife officer Dale Grandstaff said it wasn't clear if it had died from the initial collision or from the rollover. Gannett Tennessee said it was not known if Fox got to keep the fox tail. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?". One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury". But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm". Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast". Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills". Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joan Re: mail sending limits Dear Webby I send a free newsletter to friends and subscribers, but no matter what ISP I try, they all either kick me out or insist that I get additional dial-up accounts. That is getting quite expensive. What ISP do you use? Joan Dear Joan My ISP is Telus, but I don't use their email. It is not reliable enough for business purposes, and they use some outgoing mail filtering that is so insane, it even filters their own support emails. If I tell somebody how to get rid of a virus, they censor it. For email I use an address on a Webby server. For newsletters I use the MagicList that I mentioned yesterday. You shouldn't really use regular email for sending to more than 50 people at a time. ISPs are not set up for that. Web servers are. Considering that a sub-domain web site is only $2.50, a LOT less than an extra dial-up account, it would be silly to continue doing it the hard way. Running a web site is not rocket science. If the millions of kids on Geocities and places like that can do it, so can you. Keep in mind that a regular web site is a lot easier to run than the cruelly restricted rigmaroles on Myspace, Facebook and places like that, and you don't have to put up with ads. The only real challenge is figuring out what you want to say and show on your site. Have FUN! DearWebby

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention. "Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Dry Shampoo This works well for cleaning your hair when you can't get wet. Mix 1/2 cup cornmeal and 1 tablespoon salt and put it in a shaker. Sprinkle some of it onto your hair and brush it out. As you brush it, it will remove oil and dirt from your hair. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Beauty_1229.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cool military pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Undisclosed recipients 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 8, 2008

Confusion is always the most honest response. --- Marty Indik Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Thanks to Ross for bringing back this classic: A drunken man, who smelled like gin, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' 'My son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of an occasional bath.' 'Well, I'll be damned,' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, but on one condition." "What's that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Young Love
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gabriela and Patrizia Odisio in Vigevano, Italy Double trouble Twin sisters are being prosecuted after one posed as her lawyer sibling while the other was sitting as a judge. Solicitor Gabriela Odisio found herself double booked as both a judge and an advocate on the same day - so asked her identical twin to stand in for the court hearing. Twin Patrizia - who has a law degree but is not qualified - and her sister kept the deception working for three years swapping between courts in Vigevano and Rho in northern Italy. Meanwhile the pair clocked up a fortune in double fees. No one noticed what the pair were up to and the scam was only uncovered when one of Gabriela's clients overheard her and her sister discussing their plans. A police source said: "They were absolutely identical and knew everything about each other's lives and colleagues so they managed to fool everyone." Now the pair - both 50 - are being prosecuted for making false statements about their qualifications and deceiving clients.
Thanks to Roland for this story: My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!" I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dixie Re: Undisclosed recipients Dear Webby You once told me how to hide all the addresses when sending mail to many people. That worked fine, as long as it was just for fun. However, it grew into a business, and now it is a bit embarrassing when the mails show "Undisclosed recipients". How do I hide that, the way you do with your newsletters? Thanks Dixie Dear Dixie I ran across the same problem in '94, and so we wrote a newsletter program. You can run as many different newsletters with it and it has proper sign-up forms for each. AND it has the now required double-opt-in confirmation request emails, that ensure that nobody signs up with somebody else's address. Since 94, of course it has been steadily improved and has a lot of features that make professional mailing a lot easier or even fully automatic. We have one client who does a lot of traveling, so she set her newsletter to automatic about 10 years ago. She has a page that automatically changes over 20 postcards to the card of the day, and her newsletter sends out that page every night, no matter where she happens to be cruising around. Naturally, a program like that is not free. There are similar ones that cost hundreds of dollars or a monthly fee. Ours used to be that expensive too, but over the years we have steadily reduced the cost and it is now just $79. Have FUN! DearWebby

You know you're in trouble when you hire private contractors to build your house and they send out a crew like these guys. Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the guys walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The guy paused and thought about the question for a minute. "I'd better go check," he said. After awhile, the guy returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Pantyhose to Make Them Last First get the pantyhose wet, gently ring them out put them in the freezer overnight. Once frozen, pull them out slowly and hang to them to dry. You can also spray pantyhose lightly with a spray starch to help prevent runs. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_1220.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One." "Only one." "How much was the sale?" "$58,334.00" Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. The boy said, "First I sold the man a fishhook. Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked him where he was planning to fish, and he replied down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that six-metre motor boat. When he said his car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big pick-up truck." The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" "No," the salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, your weekend's shot. You are probably safer if you go fishing."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Animals, All Kinds of 'em
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby: How to get rid of Yahoo Tool Bar 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  October 7, 2008

Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage. --- Niccolo Machiavelli:
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called Seven Young Blondes?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully. "Sauvignon blanc."
At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you." Coolidge replied "You lose."
They found your ex!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jonathon Guabello, 29, of Ft Myers, Florida Man shot self after he was refused sex FORT MYERS, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities said a Fort Myers, Fla., man was arrested after he allegedly shot himself in the arm because his girlfriend refused to have sex. Jonathon Guabello, 29, was treated for the gunshot wound and then booked into the Lee County Jail on charges of threatening violence and firing a weapon in an occupied dwelling, the Fort Myers News-Press reported. Guabello's 24-year-old girlfriend said the suspect had been under the influence of Xanax and alcohol when he became enraged at her refusal of his sexual overtures. She said she took her dog with her into a spare bedroom and she heard two gunshots several minutes later. The girlfriend said Guabello told her he would kill her if she dialed 911, and then stumbled into the kitchen where he was knocked unconscious when he tripped and hit his head on the oven door. Lee County Sheriff's deputies said Guabello had incurred two gunshot wounds to his arm. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes," the mother answered. "They do wonders for me!" "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?!" she replied.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Getting rid of Yahoo tool bar Dear Webby I don't know how but somehow I keep getting the Yahoo Toolbar up on my screen and I despise it. How can I get rid of it permanently? Thanks for all the great advice and the humour every day. Darlene Dear Darlene go to your control panel select add/remove program and scroll down till you see the yahoo toolbar listing. Left click on it and it will ask you if you want to delete/change that program Click yes That gets rid of the silly nuisance. Have FUN! DearWebby

An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they heard the sounds of drums. At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain their meaning. "Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said before running off. The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another native about it. "Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said. A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked. The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation... "Bad, real bad that drums stop," he blurted. "Now comes bass solo!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sanding Wood When sanding a piece of wood you can use an old nylon to check the smoothness of the wood. Slip the nylon over you hand and slide your hand over the piece of wood. Anywhere that the nylon snags needs more sanding. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html When sanding end grain, like the top ends of chair legs, use a file or very hard backing behind the sand paper, or paint the ends with filler/sealer. Otherwise, with some woods you will never get the ends perfectly smooth. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

A drill sergeant had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant he said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The kid said, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'll never stand in line again."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Virtual parks
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: SP3 Infection attempt 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  October 6, 2008

The discipline of desire is the background of character. --- John Locke It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. --- Eugene McCarthy
Two women were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the women said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped herself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining about? You do have have the smaller one, don't you...?"
"Occupational Descriptions..." An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Thanks to Joe for this picture Good morning, Attached is a Rocky Mountain Elk if you would care to use it in your news letter. I read your news letter each morning, great way to start the day, thank for your time end work, Joe
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ronald Richard Berkan, 48, of Portland, Oregon Jail for mailman who sold pot in uniform PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- A former mail carrier in Oregon has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for selling marijuana while on the job. Ronald Richard Berkan, 48, was given the jail sentence, which is scheduled to begin in December, after he pleaded guilty to distribution of marijuana to an underage person, The (Portland) Oregonian reported Wednesday. His arrest followed an 11-month investigation by the Drug Enforcement Administration and the Office of Inspector General of the U.S. Postal Service that was launched after a bartender reported a uniformed mail carrier selling marijuana in 2006. Berkan, who resigned from the Postal Service after pleading guilty in April, was videotaped via a camera planted in his mail truck. Investigators said Berkan appeared to sell marijuana to 10 people on the tape, but the video could not verify that he was selling the drug. John Deits, an assistant U.S. attorney, said Berkan was identified by a 19-year-old who told police he had been buying marijuana from a U.S. Postal Service worker. The teenager said he had been buying the drug from Berkan for at least two years.
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy: Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner: 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: More SP3 invasion attempts Dear Webby Webby, each day I have a note on my task bar saying I have updates to download. When I check, it is always for that crazy SP-3 which I do not want. How can I get rid of that annoying screen??? Will that go on forever? Thanks - always appreciate your help and enjoy your newsletter! Carolyn Dear Carolyn Just another Microsoft SNAFU. 1) Make sure you got the SP3 blocker installed, preferably in c:\Windows Installed, not just saved to there. 2) Step part way into that update 3) Select CUSTOM, not Express 4) In the next screen, take the checkmark OFF the line that shows SP3 5) Put a checkmark onto the line about remembering your decision 6) Hit OK. After that, it should stop trying to slither SP3 onto your computer. Have FUN! DearWebby

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, it's about 5 hours till sunset. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours too early for Happy Hour at the airport bar."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Candles from Tilting Before putting candles into a candle holder or candle stick, melt some wax and drip it in the bottom of the holder. Then place the candle into the holder. Once the wax dries it will help prevent the candles from falling out of the holder. Visit ThriftyFun For More Better Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Living_1303.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Eateries
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Disable Caps Lock 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  October 5, 2008

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else. --- Cullen Hightower Thou shall't not weigh more than Thy refrigerator, and Thy butt shall not be wider than Thy barbecue! --- Socratex
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Thanks to Marianna for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to parents of a 7 year old weirdo in Alice Springs, Australia Sent in by Walter Boy fed zoo reptiles to crocodile A seven-year-old boy has been filmed going on the rampage at a popular zoo in Australia, killing rare reptiles and feeding live ones to a crocodile. Footage from the security cameras at Alice Springs Reptile Centre caught the child smiling as he killed a total of 13 animals. During his 30-minute spree, he was seen hurling the animals over the security fence into the crocodile enclosure. Zoo officials described the boy's actions as "unbelievable". They are considering suing the parents as the boy is too young to be prosecuted.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned, but then smiled, "Wow! It really works!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re:Disable Caps Lock Dear Webby Is there a way to disable the Caps Lock key, that does not require me to remember some weird key combination or program name? I got Oldtimer's and can't remember silly stuff like that, especially when I don't even remember the last time I needed to turn the Caps Lock on. Thanks Erin Dear Erin Whenever I get a new keyboard, I take a screwdriver or tea spoon, and pry the silly Caps Lock key cap off. Then I trim the underside of it flush, so that the little center part doesn't stick out farther than the rim of the key cap, and fill the underside flush with epoxy. When that has hardened, I glue it onto a fax machine or onto the coin operated copier at Walmart. If an occasion ever arises, when I would need the Caps Lock key, I can esily activate it with a pen. Have FUN! DearWebby

This just in from Louisiana: Associated Press, New Orleans, LA Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists have been operating in New Orleans, Louisiana Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 had been detained. The Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sliding Furniture This is a tip for sliding furniture across floors that you don't wish to damage. Save cardboard milk cartons and cut the top of off four of them. Then slip a milk carton bottom under each leg of the furniture. Visit ThriftyFun For More Moving Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Mo ... 9_693.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?" Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse." "Thats very nice," said the teacher, "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!" "Thats very nice," said the teacher , "Johnny, what do your parents do?" He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Fifteen minutes later, he returned. "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aetna Photo Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Is Earthlink still recommendable? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  October 4, 2008

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. --- Will Rogers You live and learn. At any rate, you live. --- Douglas Adams
Thanks to Cookie for this story: Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years, snuggled back into me and replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh**?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
Thanks to Rubye for bringing back this delightful classic: This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly .... "I think the man said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!' " The teacher had to leave the room.
Thanks to Guinn for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police Chief Scott MacMaster and selectmen of the town council of greenville, Maine Sent in by Ross Sniveling Ninnies win There's no such thing as a free lunch anymore for Black Frog Restaurant patrons nervy enough to run down a dock and plunge naked into Moosehead Lake. Owner Leigh Turner decided Thursday to stop giving out a free Skinny Dip sandwich - that's thinly sliced prime rib on a baguette - for a skinny dip after the town board voted to deny his liquor license renewal application. In their decision the night before, selectmen in the popular tourist town noted that they would have had no problem granting the license if the promotion ended for the $10.95 sandwich. Thus, said Turner, dropping the deal was a no-brainer. "Au jus" wins out over "au naturel." He had said last year that he had two or three takers a week, and no frontal nudity was exposed to customers. But police said they had gotten several complaints, and three people received summonses for indecent conduct. They have pleaded not guilty. Authorities noted that stories about the Skinny Dip had circulated worldwide, and the indecency charge is a misdemeanor, like disorderly conduct. Police Chief Scott MacMaster said he would recommend any establishment lose its liquor license for illegal goings-on. According to the Black Frog's Web site, its sandwiches also include The Chicken That Didn't Make it Across the Road, and one of the house rules is "No food fights unless specifically authorized by your server."
A gentleman was moving from one house to another, a couple streets away. Observing the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his furniture about, he decided to move his prized grandfather's clock himself. Taking the antique in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was almost as tall as its owner, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms. After half an hour of these exertions he was just about there, when one of the locals happened to walk out of the corner bar. Watching the man with the clock for a few moments he walked up to him and said in an unsteady voice, "Mister, can I asch you a queschion?" "What is it?" demanded the man. "Why 'n hell donchoo carry a wadsch?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mayana Re: Is Earthlink still OK? Dear Webby You used to write quite favorably about Earthlink. Lately, though, I heard a lot of bad news about them, especially their DSL and their bad customer service. What's the update on Earthlink? What do you recommend? Mayana Dear Mayana Old earthlink dial-up accounts, that don't require any support, still work fine. New accounts, especially DSL, seem to be chaotic. Part of that is due to the Taliban order takers. Part of the problem is that Earthlink contracts out the local DSL connections to the lowest bidder in your town. Sometimes the lowest bidder is not a good choice, and possibly the one, whom you just told to stuff his service where the sun don't shine, because he is just not good enough. Another part of the problem is the Taliban support. They are not able to fix anything, since they are in Pakistan or thereabouts. All they can do is try to blame the problem on you and/or confuse you with their lack of knowledge and poor English. They don't have access to areas where one could straighten out an account. In summary, lately there have been only bad news about Earthlink. My recommendation is to use a local DSL provider, BUT, do NOT let them talk you into a long term contract! Some of them are as sneaky and devious as AT&T or Telus, and you may have to raise your voice and use strong language. If necessary, tell the con artists, that you will be leaving the state. Whatever it takes, avoid anything longer than 3 months. Once you are connected, if you have problems, you can call the local provider and talk in plain English, and you can easily explain, that you have a 16" cast iron frying pan and PMS. In the rare case, where that does not help, at least you will lose only a short contract obligation. Most local DSL providers are reasonably good nowadays, and you usually get about 75% of what you pay for, the same as with the big national providers. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why? How would that help?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere within seconds."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Calendar Puzzles A fun way to reuse old calendars that have nice pictures is to glue each picture to a piece of cardboard. Then cut the cardboard and picture into puzzle pieces. Visit ThriftyFun For More Green Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html MisterArt.com and others sell blank jigsaw puzzles, stampd from smooth, white, paintable cardboard. 8.5" by 11" is usually under $5. For gluing calendar pictures, or pictures that you printed, onto the puzzle, use a dry glue stick. The good old UHU color stick is best. It goes on purple, so that you see which areas you missed, and later dries clear. They are about a Dollar per stick. Puzzles with your own, printed pictures make excellent gifts. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone, which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over. They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: News Pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Fuzzy in the dark 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 3, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. --- Aldous Huxley The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. --- Lord Acton
It's Armageddon and everyone on earth dies and are waiting outside the gates for judgement. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line is for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000's of miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
An English Clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked : "What would you be if you were not Scot?" The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!" Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be were you not an Irishman?" The man thought a moment and said: "I'd be ashamed of meself!"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sent in by Ross Stolen cash used to pay fine INYOKERN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Inyokern, Calif., say five men were charged with stealing up to $8,000 from the walls of a restaurant after one used the bills to pay a court fine. Investigators said one of the alleged thieves used 10 bills, which had been marked by Homestead customers before being tacked to the restaurant's wall, to pay a fine and the money was recognized by a clerk, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday. Police said they have recovered about $1,000 of the money that once decorated the walls of the Homestead. "Part of the place's charm was all the old bills, all the memories," said Michael Scott, senior deputy in the Kern County sheriff's office. "Everybody in town knew exactly where they came from." Officers said one of the alleged thieves also was found to have Homestead thumbtacks stuck in the sole of one of his shoes. --------------- The Homestead has been closed and for sale for about two years. It is a bit out of town with no neighbors close by, but used to be quite popular until it closed.
A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elaine Re: Fuzzy when dark Dear Webby My camera takes nice and sharp pictures when it is bright out, but in the morning or evening, they get very fuzzy. Is there a setting that I need to change? Thanks Elaine Dear Elaine Your camera probably has a very small lens. To get enough light for a picture, it keeps the shutter open longer. Few, if any, photographers can hold the camera absolutely steady for more than a third of a second. The fuzz that you see is from slight shakes or jitters. You can either get a camera with a larger lens, or use something to steady the camera. Good tripods are fairly expensive and cost twice as much as a medium quality camera. However, they make even a cheap camera perform like an expensive pro camera. There is one cheap camera support, that you can make yourself. Get a worn out leather purse or leather jacket at a yard sale, and convert it into a little pillow. A kid's jacket sleeve is ideal. Suede or well scuffed leather is best. Shiny fake leather is useless. Fill the pillow with sand, but not too full. It needs to be still soft, so that you can nestle and wiggle the camera on it, and quickly point it where you want. You can use that sand pillow on a car roof or rock or fence post or just about anywhere. For best results, use the self-timer, set to go off in one second, click the camera and stand back. Have FUN! DearWebby

Two good Catholic boys passed an Episcopalian minister. At the sight of the reversed collar, one of them automatically said, "Hello, Father." The other boy elbowed him in the ribs. "He's no father, you dummy," said the second youth, "He's married and got three kids!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wine Stains on Washable Fabrics If you spill wine, blot it immediately with a clean piece of cloth and sponge the area with cool water or club soda. If needed, put salt on the stain and pour very hot water through the stain. Once the stain is weakened, wash the clothing normally with detergent. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cleaning Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could. "Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!" At this point, one of the elders of the congregation inter- rupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?" The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured...teeth will be provided!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 3D Street Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: AOL Hometown and FTP closing 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 2, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs. --- Henry Ford One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. --- A. A. Milne
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Scho Schorry, I don't live around here."
Thanks to Ed for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police in Leeds, England Stolen and re-stolen Seized video games taken from police depot LEEDS, England (UPI) -- Police in Leeds, England, said thieves broke into a secure police depot and made off with more than $1 million in video games that had been seized the same day. Investigators said seven pallets of games -- which included 16,000 copies of "Brothers in Arms: Hell's Highway" for the PlayStation 3 -- were stolen from a truck while the driver was resting, The Daily Telegraph reported. Officers spotted falsified license plates on the truck being used by the thieves and it was impounded along with the video games. However, before the truck and games could be tested for fingerprints and DNA, it was stolen from the police depot. The truck was later found abandoned -- and empty -- in a Bradley, England, parking lot. "We are pursuing a number of lines of inquiry, including eBay transactions where a number of the games have been potentially identified as being advertised for sale. Arrests have already been made in respect of this," a police spokesman said. A spokesman for video game creator Ubi Soft said the company is working to replace the stolen games. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember." So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years." Math is not her strong point.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerry Re:AOL Hometown and FTP closing Dear Webby Do you have any idea about the attaached I received this morning? thanx, Jerry Dear AOL Hometown/FTP user, We’re sorry to inform you that on Oct. 31, 2008, AOL® Hometown and FTP will be shut down permanently. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause..........(long and dangerous looking links) Dear Jerry Yes, they are indeed shutting down. While I would never click on weird links like in that email, especially if AOL is involved, they do mention it on their site: http://www.peopleconnectionblog.com/ Have FUN! DearWebby

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built and scantily-clad young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers. "Is it working?" her daughter asks. "Yes and no," the mother says. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stop Charging and Start Using Cash Retire your credit cards, set up a budget and start paying with cash. Many people think "I'll pay it off later" or "I'm already in debt". They keep using credit cards for everyday expenses so they don't feel broke and don't have to change their spending patterns. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Credit Card Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_452.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mums without Pops
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: PowerPoint Update 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 1, 2008

It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver." --- Mahatma Gandhi Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer. ---Mel Brooks.
The stern faced Personnel Manager told an applicant that they needed an individual who is completely responsible. "I sure qualify, then," replied the applicant. "Everywhere I've worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible."
A woman holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the woman. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Not often that you see a dark waterfall! The sun is reflecting off the river above and below the fall. I snuck off for a couple hours today to take some fall pix, and drove up to Sheep Falls. 16 more pictures are at my dad's site at Dawna.com
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michelle Allen of Middletown, Ohio Sent in by Walter Disudderly conduct MIDDLETOWN -- A Middletown woman is accused of being disorderly in public -- while wearing a cow suit. A police report filed about the incident said Michelle Allen allegedly chased children in her neighborhood while wearing the suit on Monday evening. Allen also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, the report said, and was warned by officers to go home and stay there. Allen was charged with disorderly conduct after an officer found her causing traffic problems on North Verity Parkway. The officer's report stated that Allen was verbally abusive to him on the trip to jail and smelled of alcohol. The report did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit. Picture of Michelle Allen in cow suit
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rae Re:PowerPoint update problem Dear Webby; How I relate to the frustration Mike is experiencing with the Power Point up-date! Everytime I boot up, a notice comes on that the update is available. When I click to run it, I'm told it was unable to be installed. When I shut down, it says an update is being installed and the computer will turn off when complete. This has been going on for days. I do not have Microsoft Office on my computer. Any suggestions? Thanks so much for all you do and give. Also, thank your dad for all the wonderful pictures of his cacti flowers. Rae Dear Rae Just a typical Microsoft SNAFU. Sounds like you got PPT 2003 You will have to UN-install that. Then get PPT 2007 from Microsoft and install that. Or get Open Office. It is free, and better than Microsoft Office. It has a PowerPoint Viewer /Editor included, that is a generation ahead of Microsoft Power Point Viewer. The link to Open Office is in my toolbox Have FUN! DearWebby

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. I was a bit nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow covered area. The pilot descended to about 15 feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Protecting Your Remote Control If you have kids you can prevent gooey and dirty hands from gumming up your remote control by placing it in a ziplock bag. They can still see the controls but can't gum up the buttons. Visit ThriftyFun For More Helpful Parenting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_1180.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?" "Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hadrian's Wall
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Update for Microsoft Office PowerPoint Viewer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  September 30, 2008

The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others. --- Bertrand Russell
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor, dumb creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
Thanks to Wendy for this story: Little Johnny and his Dad were in the park one day when Johnny spotted two dogs mating furiously. Little Johnny stared at the dogs a while and then turned to his Dad and asked what the dogs were doing. "Well, Johnny," his Dad replied hesitantly, "they are making puppies." Little Johnny looked back at the dogs for a second, deep in thought, then ran off to play on the swings. A few weeks later Johnny walked in on his parents when they forgot to latch the lock, and they were going after it pretty wildly themselves. Johnny tapped his Father on the shoulder and asked, "Daddy, what are you and Mommy doing?" "Well, Johnny," his Dad replied out of breath, "we are making a baby." Johnny thought about it for a moment and said excitedly "Dad, turn her over! I'd much rather have puppies."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tom Mueller, 36, from Eisingen, Germany Kidnap charge for wanna-be romeo A lovestruck German banker allegedly staged the kidnap of a workmate - and then rescued her so she'd fall for him. Tom Mueller, 36, from Eisingen, was desperate for his 30-year-old colleague to fancy him but thought he didn't stand a chance. Police say he broke into Tanja Schulze's home in the middle of the night and told her that he was the boss of a ruthless kidnap gang. Wearing a mask and speaking English to disguise his voice, Mueller allegedly tied her up and put a bag on her head while he ransacked her home for four hours. Then he rang the doorbell, ripped off his mask, and rushed into the house to rescue her claiming he'd frightened off the gang. But police say they found Miss Schulze's purse - supposedly stolen by the gang - in his pocket. Now the hapless Romeo is facing kidnapping, unlawful entry, and theft charges over his stunt.
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Update for Microsoft Office PowerPoint Viewer Dear Webby; Security Update for Microsoft Office PowerPoint Viewer Got this update the other day and installed it. Said it was succsesful. Now here is the problem it keeps coming back up to install it again. Every time I reboot it gets installed. Found out it has been installed 14 times and it's back to install it again. How the hell do I stop it or get rid of it? Mike Dear Mike I use Open Office and don't need the Microsoft PPT viewer. That Microsoft Office PowerPoint Viewer update might be fake. Try UN-installing it, and then run a good virus scan. It is also possible that you got infected with SP3. It causes weird and unpedictable problems on SOME computers. In some cases, SP3 can be un-installed. Have FUN! DearWebby

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for thirty years, she can keep it forever."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing Plastic Spatulas Over time, the edges of plastic spatulas get dull and rough. Sharpen the rough edge by sanding them with an emery board or scraping them with the edge of a sharp knife. You can also do this to wooden spatulas. Visit ThriftyFun For More Kitchen Tool Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... _1194.html If you have kids, they love sharpening and truing them on the side of a concrete block or the sidewalk. For blackened wooden spoons, while some people are proud of the shiny patina, if you don't want the memory of a Thousand stews bleeding into a cake topping, you can quickly get down to bare wood with coarse steel woool. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Thanks to Cookie for this story: One hot summer day, Linda came to town with her dog, tied it in the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? Linda said it was hers 'Well, your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' Linda looked at the cop and said, 'Well ok, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Master Crayon Artist
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Register Antivirus XP 2008 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  September 29, 2008

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ---G Gordon Liddy If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." --- Mark Twain
Thanks to Liz for this story: We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
After volunteering to fight for his country in WW II, Zimmerman joined his unit and lined up for his uniform. As equipment was issued in strict alphabetical order Zimmerman found himself at the back of the queue. By the time he reached the desk all the uniforms had been issued. There were none left. Zimmerman was issued with a badge that said "soldier" in red letters."You didn't want a scratchy old uniform anyway," the quartermaster said. "Join the line for your rifle." Zimmerman joined the back of the rifle queue. When he reached the front Zimmerman found that all the rifles had been distributed and then, once again, there were none left. "You don't want to kill people anyway," said the quartermaster. "I'll issue you with a stick and you can shout Bang Bang!" "Thank you," said Zimmerman, and joined the queue for bayonets. "Join the line for your bayonet." Once again, on reaching the desk Zimmerman was disappointed. The quartermaster issued him with a lollipop stick with the advice that he should shout "Sticky-sticky" when using it.....And so on. Within weeks Zimmerman found himself on the front lines shouting "Bang-bang" for all he was worth. On his second day the German enemy began a mass advance. One by one Zimmerman's unit were killed or wounded until only Zimmerman himself remained standing. "Bang-bang!" he shouted, and was amazed to see his German foes still falling. Soon they began to overwhelm his trench and Zimmerman began to stab wildly with his lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky. Sticky-sticky." Astoundingly it worked. The enemy were dying at his feet. The survivors began to retreat. All, that is, with the exception of one man who was only half way across no-man's land and was still advancing slowly. Zimmerman took careful aim with his stick-rifle and calmly said; "Bang-Bang." The enemy soldier continued his advance. "Bang-bang, bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang-bang," Zimmerman yelled frantically. Still he came. Before he could reach the trench Zimmerman leapt up and ran at him with the lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky, he said. And then added "Stab-stab-stab," for good measure. The enemy soldier refused to die and stared at Zimmerman defiantly. By now Zimmerman had had enough. "Wait a minute, " he said. "When I shouted 'Bang' your comrades died, but not you. When I engaged them in hand-to-hand combat with my lollipop stick they fell over dead, but not you. What gives?" "Clankety-Clank, I'm a tank, " said Herr Zanker.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Arnold Gerber, 28, from Altenkirchen, Germany Farmer's 175 mile trip - by combine A German farmer caused traffic chaos after setting off on a 175-mile trip to visit a pal - in a combine harvester. Arnold Gerber, 28, from Altenkirchen, set off in the evening to avoid heavy traffic but soon caused a five mile tailback himself. He was stopped by police 30 miles into his journey and fined for driving too slowly - at the harvester's top speed of 15mph. Gerber said: "I took the combine harvester because I have never had a licence for a car, only a tractor. I did not think I would be doing anything wrong. "I have a friend who lives a long way away and he asked if I wanted to go and see him. I have been driving combine harvesters for years and have to take them along some roads now and again. "I know they are slow-moving vehicles but I thought I could miss most of the traffic by travelling at night. I was wrong." ---------- Obviously not the kind of combines you see thundering down the highways around here!
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet-dreams. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: Register Antivirus XP 2008 Dear Webby; I have been infected by "Register Antivirus XP 2008" I tried System Restore but it is frozen on today's date. Every program I start it takes over and starts a "free scan" of my computer. It says I am in a "Critical Security Problem" Its windows keep popping up with a security warning. How can I get back to where I can navigate and get rid of this? I removed it from "add or remove programs" but its still there. HELP Hank Dear Hank That is the same as the Antivirus XP 2008, that I wrote about on Sept 7 and Sept 9. Jerome told me: The most effective way of removing Antivirus 2008 is to have a professional do it, as there are 127 registry tweaks, and numerous files to clean out, run Hijack and verify all the data, then the most effective of all the scanners in its detection and deletion is A Squared http://snipurl.com/3og2i. A Squared is a good piece of software, but once it has done it’s job, remove it, as it becomes a resource hog. Jerome After that, it would be a good idea to get some decent protection. You can't do a normal install of any of the top anti-virus and anti-malware programs, wile your machine is infected by Antivirus XP 2008. So, first clean up, then protect the machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Designate an Area In Your Fridge for Leftovers Leftovers usually need to be used first so create a space on the top shelf of your fridge just for leftovers. Also, try to use clear tupperware or glass jars for leftovers so you can see what is in them at a glance. Visit ThriftyFun For More Leftover Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_951.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old checkup. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you jump on one foot for me?" So she walked over and jumped on his foot.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Master Crayon Artist
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Files lost during file move 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  September 28, 2008

Emphasize the error, not the person committing it. --- Terri Lonier Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. --- Benjamin Franklin
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!" "Yeah, those golf clubs in the trunk cost a mint!" He is walking with a limp these days. And alone.
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, and fight like a man, you coward!'"
Thanks to my dad for this picture: Silvretta Lake, one of the oldest hydro dam lakes.The green water is "glacier milk", loaded with minerals and metals like a super concentrate of nutritional supplements. It tastes quit ok, but definitely not like bland city water.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Evans, 46, from Boulder, Colorado Unlucky, or just dumb cyclist? A US cyclist was knocked down by a car and a train in separate accidents within six hours of each other. Unlucky Robert Evans, 46, from Boulder, Colorado, was first hit by a car in a hit-and-run incident. Mr Evans was taken to hospital but later released, reports Metro. He was on his way back to town when he was hit by a train while he was walking his bicycle across a railroad bridge. He was later found in a creek and again taken to hospital, but his injuries were not life-threatening. To add to his woes, Evans faces a ticket from police for trespassing on the rail bridge which is not open to pedestrians.
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carrie Re: Files lost during file move Dear Webby, I moved a bunch of pictures from my attachments/downloads directory to my Landscapes directory, or tried to. On the way, I accidentally bumped the mouse against my coffee mug, and the files were gone. They are neither where the were before, nor where they were supposed to go. Help! Carrie Dear Carrie Relax. The files are not gone, just in the wrong place. Look in the email or IM, by which you received them, for the name of one of them. Then click on START, SEARCH, and paste that file name. The SEARCH will find the location. All of them will be there. Then you can complete the move from there to the proper destination. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Prussian Army's scheme of classifying recruits: They classified them on two axes: smart vs. stupid, and industrious vs. lazy. Smart + lazy became commissioned officers. Smart + industrious became non-commissioned officers. Stupid + lazy became cannon fodder. Stupid + industrious were taken out back and shot before they did any damage.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Protecting Plants From Slugs Cut old metal window screens into 1x1 inch squares. Then cut a hole in the center of the square and put it on the ground around the plant. Slugs don't like to slither across window screens Visit ThriftyFun For More Pest Control Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pest%20Control_705.html Slugs don't like coarse sawdust from chainsaws either. Some woods, like for example cedar, also drive off moths and many different bugs. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Asia Zoo Trail
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Need Cookies 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  September 27, 2008

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. --- Chuck Reid When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. --- Edward Abbey
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time. Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?" After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, I don't really know. I'll have to ask him when he gets out of jail."
Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."
Thanks to CC for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to twin sisters from Sweden attempting to get Darwin awards on England's M6 Freeway Sent in by Lillemor Suicidal Dingbats Motorway police have had to deal with two women spotted walking down the central reservation of the M6. The women, twin sisters from Sweden, ran in front of oncoming traffic after wrestling with the police. Video http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7636577.stm
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken." The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather sh*t in her pants."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Cookies needed Dear Webby, I get this message: Your browser is set to refuse cookies. In order to sign on, you will need to reset the option in your browser to accept cookies. Then refresh your screen, re-enter your username and password and click Sign On to begin banking. What is it that causes this? This comes in when I log into my bank account: Roland Dear Roland That is typical with banks. They use cookies as if they were the photo ID cards staff wears at airports and in some industry. They use them to pass you between departments. That is why I have been saying for years that you shouldn't just nuke ALL your cookies, if you do banking and bill paying on-line. You can weed out the cookies with CrapCleaner, and just keep the good ones. But first, you got to allow your browser to allow cookies. With most browsers that is in Tools, Options. Have FUN! DearWebby

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant. Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, "This potato is bad!" To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place, picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate, then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Small Handy Tool Box Put together a small tool box for making minor repairs around the house. Fill it with the essentials: hammer, screw drivers, a chisel, pliers, scissors, a small level, a tape measure and anything else you find yourself needing frequently. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Repair Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_Home_1876_1884.html Add some retractable blade box cutters, so that you don't have to use kitchen knifes for stuff they are not designed for. Also add duck tape, electrical tape, Crazy Glue and Goop. Crazy Glue works great for gluing handles back onto cups, Goop is for gluing flexible items, including leather and vinyl. It also works great for shoe soles. Bachelors might also want to add a tube of Speed-Sew. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Iconoclast Pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Tagged 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  September 26, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard. With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."
Thanks to Annette for this story: In the small Texas town of Mt. Vernon, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'
Thanks to Deelie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, W. Va. Farting around at the cop shop SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. - A man has been charged with battery on a police officer for allegedly passing gas and fanning it toward a patrolman. Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, W. Va., was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test. As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said. He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction. ------------ Update: The prosecutor threw out the farting charge this afternoon, but all the other charges remain.
Thanks to Wendy for this story: Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?" "Yes. Speaking." AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files. HOW?" "Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue." "GOD! This is too much." "Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue." "I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow." That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Tagged Dear Webby, my friend just send me an invitation to join Tagged, what is it and is it safe.Thanks. I enjoy your news letter Rose Dear Rose Info about Tagged is at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tagged Rumors have it that Tagged is more fun than re-sorting the phone book numerically. Have FUN! DearWebby

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and after the surgery advised him that all was well. However, in the recovery room the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctor hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence... "Get well quick...from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing a Large Area Rug Save old belts to use when storing or moving large area rugs. Roll up the rug and wrap a couple belts around it, using the belt buckles to secure the belt in place. The belts are great for preventing the rug from unrolling and also work as handles for moving the rug. Visit ThriftyFun For More Storage Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_St ... 9_699.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Those Old Westerns:
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Get rid off saved wrong password 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  September 25, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. --- Doug Larson We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming. --- Don Delillo
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a. m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Seen at Billetproof in Antioch
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Laura Marchesi in Parma, Italy Man fined for putting out wife's cat A man has been fined £400 for throwing his wife's cat out of the house for urinating in his briefcase. Laura Marchesi set animal rights campaigners on husband Allessandro for putting her cat Ivano out on the balcony. She contacted the Italian Animal and Environment Defence Association which found her lawyers specialising in similar cases. Mrs Marchesi told them she had found the cat shivering with cold and hungry after spending the night trying to get back into their Parma apartment. Now a court has ordered Mr Marchesi to pay his wife £400 for vets' expenses and emotional damage. Mrs Marchesi said: "I am so pleased with all the help from the lawyers. "I love my cat very, very much and what happened to it affected me deeply. It is only fair that I receive some compensation." No public announcements have been made yet as to what effect the row has had on the couple's relationship, but that is quite predictable. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3020418.html
Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Glenn Re: Wrong saved password Dear Webby, I sure enjoy your humor letter, and I really wish I knew where you get all the information that you so graciously pass along to us novices! I tried to sign in to a website, but used the wrong password. Now it is stuck in there, and as soon as I click on the site, it loads the name and password, tells me it is the wrong password, and kicks me back to square one. How can I remove that password and start over? Glenn Dear Glenn If the password is in the Windows password manager, you can edit them by clicking on START, RUN, and typing: rundll32.exe keymgr.dll, KRShowKeyMgr However, usually they are just in the browser. Firefox: Tools -->Options -- Security --> Passwords: unselect "Save passwords" Explorer: Tools --> Internet Options --> Content --> Autofill --> Settings: unselect "Usernames and passwords" If that doesn't help either, use CrapCleaner to weed out your cookies and dump the cookie for that site. Have FUN! DearWebby

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com "Faux" Hamburger Fool your finicky eaters with low-fat ground turkey. The trick, add some browning sauce to mixture as you are frying it. It turns the turkey browner, more like hamburger (and doesn't change the clean taste much at all!). Visit ThriftyFun For More Cooking Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? -------------- If she had subscribed with her name or nickname, instead of leaving it blank like most AOLers, I would have greeted her every morning with her name.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Faces in places
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: XP computers available 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  September 24, 2008

Character is much easier kept than recovered. --- Thomas Paine Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. --- Laurence J. Peter
Thanks to Dave for this story: My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires ! out?"
Thanks to my dad for this picture: This one bloomed today, second time this year. Philocactus
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Sandra Meiser, 26, in Norf, Germany Bum Rap A bank robber was caught as she tried to raid the same branch twice - when a witness identified her by her big bum. Police say Sandra Meiser, 26, got away with a $22,000 robbery in Norf, western Germany, after threatening bank staff with a gun. Witnesses told officers that the raider was a woman with a "very large" backside and "powerful thighs". Then weeks later one witness found himself behind what he believes to be the same bottom as they stood in a queue at the same branch. "He called the police and they arrested her and found her ski mask and hand gun in her jacket. He said he recognised her bottom straight away - he'd never forget something that big," said one bank worker. Now Meiser is facing up to 10 years in jail on robbery and firearms charges while the 61-year-old witness has landed a $7,400 reward. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3018786.html
St. Peter was at the pearly gates, making his usual list of names of people waiting to get into heaven. The first man walked up and Peter asked, "Who are you?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter took his name and let him in. St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "And who are you?" "It's me, Charlie Anderson." St. Peter took his name and let him in. Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who are you?" "It is I, Vera Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another English teacher."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: XP computers Good Morning, Dear Webby I have been with sbcglobal since 2004 and haven't missed a Humor Letter yet....guess I have been one of the LUCKY ONE'S Another question...I am wanting to update to a newer system, but am a bit confused as to which Vista to get. I know they are all pretty bad, but probably better than my old Windows'. I have seen the Vista Home version, or something like that at most computer places I have been, but would rather find one with XP on it. Most places don't even talk about it any more, and is difficult to find with out paying an arm and a leg to get it installed. Any reasonable info, please. Hubcap Dear Hubcap SBCGLOBAL doesn't block the Humor Letter. The new Yahoo email clashes with Internet Explorer. As long as you can avoid updating the Yahoo email program, you'll be fine. Or if you use any browser other than IE. You will of course also be fine if you use a respectable POP email program. Re new computer, try Tiger Direct Business Entrance Lots of XP computers there. You just have to use the business entrance. The same with Dell. If you act like a gullible grannie, then all they show you is Vista. But go in the business door, and it's totally different. Businesses buy XP, Linux, ---- or the Vista Business that comes with XP installed and Vista on a shrink-wrapped CD, suitable to replace all those old mail-out AOL CD style beer coasters. Just in time too! Ours were getting rather scratched and shabby looking. Have FUN! DearWebby

Letters to a pastor **Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. **Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, age 11, Anderson **Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every Thursday, even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany **Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Chrissy. Age 8, Chicago **Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you had free donuts. Lorreen Age 9. Tacoma **Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh **Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tablecloths for Fabric If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use for other projects. Visit ThriftyFun For More Sewing Tips Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

Thanks to Sandie for this report: If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. Instead of pictures it will contain a virus. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Autumn Foliage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: SBCGLOBAL problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  September 23, 2008

Philosophers say a great deal about what is absolutely necessary for science, and it is always, so far as one can see, rather naive, and probably wrong. --- Richard Feynman
Thanks to Dianne for this story: (Yeah, we got elections in Canada too, just shorter campaign periods) A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 37 year old burglar in Dusseldorf, Germany. Drunk burglar Two Polish builders left a £50,000 trail of destruction when they drove to an off-licence booze vendor in a digger truck after running out of booze on the building site. Marek Cowalski, 27 and Tomasz Dzwonicki, 19, ploughed into parked cars, garden walls and fences and a set of traffic lights on their way to buy more drinks for a birthday binge on a building site in Glogow, south-west Poland. "No one tried to stop them because people were too stunned," said a local shopkeeper, "People just stopped on the spot and stared at them. "Who do they think they are making all that mess anyway? You could see they were drunk a mile off - the digger was zigzagging across the street." The sight of workmen drinking on construction sites is not uncommon in Poland as drinking laws are more lax. But police were forced to act when the boozy pair tried to reverse into a parking space outside the off licence - and drove straight into the shop and got stuck. Fire crews eventually managed to cut the dozy pair out and they were taken straight to jail, where they face up to five years for their stunt.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who laid me on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your sister whipped my face with celery tops duck-taped to her boobs??? She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vic Re: SBCGLOBAL problems FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS YOUR LETTER ARRIVES AS ALWAYS BUT IS TOTALLY BLANK EXCEPT FOR THE HEADINGS. THIS HAS NOT HAPPENED BEFORE-----------------ANY IDEAS? Dear Vic It's too bad you don't read the Tech Support Pits. I have long lost track of how many times I have mentioned that SBCGLOBAL treats their victims as if they were a bunch of silly yahoos, who don't deserve proper mail. To fool them, you have to hit REPLY, or FORWARD, as if you were going to show somebody how bad SBCGLOBAL is. THEN all of a sudden you can see the parts that they had been hiding from you. Another way around the tricks of the incompetent bozos at the moron farm is to use FireFox GoogleChrome Opera Maxton Safari as your browser. The bozos mess up only Yahoo Mail for Internet Explorer. They have not figured out yet how to mess up the other browsers. So, to read HTML newsletters, either hit REPLY, or use a different browser. Have FUN! DearWebby

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Record Driving Directions I use my car's cassette player to "read" directions for me. I make the tape ahead of time, and start and stop it as needed along the way. This is especially good if someone has given you directions to their home, etc. Visit ThriftyFun For More Helpful Hints http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Helpful% ... 6_138.html Wow! I remember those! While it might be difficult nowadays to find a car with a cassette player, you can use a digital dictaphone for that. They look like a fat key-fob and you can hang them on the ignition key ring, or stick one of these potholder hooks onto the dash. They are sturdy enough that, for office use, you can tap them with your shoe to start or stop talking. You can most definitely slap them against the dash for that. They are from $15 - $50. Also considerably cheaper than an antique car with tape deck is a GPS, that will read you the turn by turn directions just before each turn. Those are from $69 and up. If I lived in a big, complicated city, I would definitely get one of those. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters. When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling. "The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully. The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Birth of a Hummingbird
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to get out of being blacklisted 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  September 22, 2008
Happy Equinox!

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. — Salvador Dalí
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?" "Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say." "Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
Received this beautiful photo of Ålesund Norway as seen from the village of Måndalen. Best Regards,Lillemor
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 37 year old burglar in Dusseldorf, Germany. Drunk burglar A burglar who pinched a bottle of expensive champagne to celebrate after stealing money and jewellery was caught after he parked his car to sleep it off. Police were called out by worried passers-by who saw the 37-year-old man slumped behind the wheel of a car at the side of the road in Dusseldorf, Germany. Officers who woke him up checked his ID and found he was wanted for a string of robberies. A police spokesman said: "The officers couldn't believe their luck when they found out who he was. "He even had the stolen goods from his latest burglary with him in the car. And we also got him for drunk driving as well."
"Guess what I heard today?" a man says to his wife. "What, hon?" she asks. "The mailman has seduced every woman on our block but one." "Huh," his wife says, "I bet it's that 96 year old snooty Phyllis next-door."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re: Get out of Blacklisting Dear Webby, You hit the nail right on the turnip! I have told my daughter the same thing dozens of time, but she figures she is so precious, that people don't mind that annoying verification nonsense and squinting at squiggly and hard to read letters. The silly bimbo even got herself blacklisted at the place where she works, and can't mail stuff she dos at home to her machine at work. She has to burn it onto CD, or use my computer and email. How can she get her home address off the company wide blacklist? Thanks Judy Dear Judy The first step is to stop that silly verification rigmarole. The second step is to get a new and different email address. She just has to write to her ISP and request a new address or an address change. That is normally free. Have FUN! DearWebby

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Discretionary Vs. Mandatory Spending When budgeting, separate mandatory expenses (like rent) from discretionary (like eating out). When times get rough financially or when you want to save money for something, you can start by eliminating discretionary expenses from your monthly budget. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips On Saving Money http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_471.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's house down by da bayou and saw a sign out front that read: "Boat For Sale". So Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux front porch and raps hard on the door. When Boudreaux opens it: Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands? Boudreaux says, "Well.........All our lives,Thibodeaux." Thibodeaux says, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?" Boudreaux says, "I ant gotta boat!" Thibodeaux says, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE'." Boudreaux says, "OH-NO Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Ford pickem'up truck over dare" Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck" Boudreaux says, "See dat '76 Cheverlet see-dan" Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat see-dan." Boudreaux says, "Well, dey boat for sale.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Georgia
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Dear Webby: Losing email because of verification 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  September 21, 2008

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. --- Woody Allen I didn't really say everything I said. --- Yogi Berra
Thanks to Roland for this one: My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun. During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house. Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, put it where the sun don't shine!" The electrician had to take a break.
I know you put the Sacandaga sunset on earlier this week, but I took another last night and thought it even better than the other. Jim The Great Sacandaga Lake - sunset, Sept 20, 2008
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Wendy Brown, 33, of Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin Not acting her age GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge. ------------------ If she had attended classes like she had signed up to do, she might not have been caught.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jill Re: Not getting all mail Dear Webby, I signed up with earthlink like you suggested. Except for them using clueless Taliban for support, everything works fine. But lately I am not getting all my mail and I am even losing all my newsletters. When I write for support, no matter where, I never get a reply. I use the email verification thingie, and I am sure people don't mind filling that out. So what is the problem? Jill Dear Jill The problem is you. People DO object to that silly email verification rigmarole, They dumped you. They no longer consider you as somebody to be included, when they send fun stuff to FRIENDS. The same of course also applies to all your newsletters. If you think that the people, who write newsletters, will hire somebody to fill out those silly email verification forms, then you need to hire a rutabega (very dense turnip) to tutor you. Support is the same, everywhere. Techs don't mind researching the problem and finding answers for you, but there is no second layer to wipe up baby drool and fill out email verification forms. You simply get blacklisted. Automatically. Get rid of that silly rigmarole, and change your email address to one that is not blacklisted. You also get excluded from any postcards. Postcard pick-up notices are sent out. Period. There is no baby-drool squad to fill out email verification forms. Often ANY autoresponder results in blacklisting. You probably don't, but some turnip brains have after hours autoresponders, telling people they won't be abusing their work machine for fun stuff until the next morning or Monday. Most people consider that a nuissance and will blacklist you, if their spam control doesn't automatically do that. Have FUN! DearWebby

Easy Quiz Questions --------------------- 1. What is 5 divided by 1/2 plus 3? 2. I have two coins making 55 cents but one is not a nickel. How can that be? 3. Why are 1977 dollars worth more than 1976 dollars? 4. What word in the English language does nearly everyone pronounce incorrectly? 5. In the United States is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister? 6. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 7. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 8. Which is correct - eight and eight IS fifteen or eight and eight ARE fifteen? 9. A 10 foot rope ladder hangs over the side of a boat with the bottom rung at the surface of the water. There is one foot between rungs and the tide goes up at the rate of 6 inches per hour. How long until three rungs are covered? 10. Mr. and Mrs. Smith have six daughters and each daughter has one brother. How many people in the family?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vacuum Your Sewing Machine Over time, particles of dust, pieces of thread and other debris can buildup inside your sewing machine and cause it to run poorly. Remove the thread, bobbin and face plate and vacuum out the inside of your sewing machine periodically. Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

Easy Quiz Answers ------------------ Well, it's supposed to be fun, not work! 1. 13. 5 divided by .5 = 10 + 3 = 13 2. Only one is not a nickel, because it is a 50 cent piece. The other is a nickel. 3. Because $1977.00 is more than $1976.00. 4. The word 'incorrectly'. 5. No. If he has a widow, then the man is dead and cannot marry anyone. 6. There is no dirt in a hole. 7. All the months. 8. Neither. Eight and eight equals SIXTEEN. 9. The rungs will never be covered because the boat rises with the tide 10. 9 family members total. 6 daughters, 1 brother, Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Unusual Nature & Floral Pix
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If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version






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Dear Webby: Clipboard 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  September 20, 2008

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. --- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Muhammad al-Munajid, a Saudi Cleric Sent in by Deeli Scared of Mickey Mouse September 19, 2008 - Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - UPI A Saudi sheik has declared Disney animated icon Mickey Mouse "a soldier of Satan" who "should be killed in all cases." Islamic cleric Muhammad al-Munajid, a former diplomat who once served at the Saudi Embassy in Washington, said during an interview with al-Majd Television that Islamic law declares the mouse as "a repulsive, corrupting creature" and he condemned cartoons that glorify rodents, including Mickey Mouse, Ynetnews reported Tuesday. "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases," al-Munajid said. "The shari'a (Islamic religious law) refers to the mouse as 'little corrupter,' and says it is permissible to kill it in all cases. It says that mice set fire to the house, and are steered by Satan. The mouse is one of Satan's soldiers," he said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International ------------------------- Personally, I think he is just scared of mice and embarrassed that he shrieks and jumps onto the table, when he sees one, just like a lot of little girls do.
A university student was told by his dentist that he would have to have his wisdom teeth removed. Concerned about the expense, he consulted his roommate. "I'm not sure I can afford to have my wisdom teeth pulled," he complained. "I know," his friend replied seriously. "I've seen your SATs."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Where is the Clipboard Dear Webby, Of all the years I've used a Computer, I don't know what the Clipboard is used for nor can I locate it. I ran a test and they said it was posted to my clipboard and I should copy the results and paste the results when sending to my ISP. Where is it? I always appreciate the advice and daily Humor. Take Care & Thank You Dear Robert The clipboard is a scratch pad in RAM. If you highlight a paragraph and hit CTRL C, that paragraph is in the clipboad. When you hit CTRL V, whatever is in the clipboard is pasted wherever the cursor is. The clipboard is not limited to text. I can copy a picture in PSP, jump to the email and hit CTRL V. The picture is then pasted into the email. That might not work with all email programs, but with Eudora it has worked fine since about '93. The clipboard is also indispensable when you work in spreadsheets. Highlight a cell or range of cells, hit CTRL C to copy, drop down to a different layer in 3D layered spreadsheets, put the cursor where you want what you copied, hit CTRL V and it is pasted. You can copy / paste from email to spreadsheets or word processors or graphics programs or web page editors and back. All of that is handled by the clipboard. You can even hit PrintScreen and copy whatever is on the screen into the clipboard, for example a cute picture in a screen saver. Then jump to a graphics program, hit CTRL V and paste the screen capture as a picture. The clipboard is a one shot deal. Whatever you copied last, is in it. You can paste it as often as you want, UNTIL you copy something else. The moment you copy something else, the previous copy is gone, forever. The clipboard is just in RAM, not on your hard drive. To see what is in the clipboard, hit CTRL V to paste it. To erase that naughty picture that you had just copied and pasted elsewhere, copy a comma or period from some text. Yep, a single period will totally obliterate and replace a 5 MB picture. When you reboot or shut down, the clipboard also gets dumped. There are programs available that let you copy a whole series of shots, but they are memory hogs and usually not worth the hassle. Have FUN! DearWebby

Some people will bet on anything - as long as they're convinced it's a Sure Thing. One afternoon at the race track, an inveterate bettor of this sort, who was known to his buddies as "Sure Thing Sherm," noticed a Catholic priest entering the stable area with one of the owners. Shadowing them, our Sherman watched as the clergyman blessed a beautiful thoroughbred. When the horse next raced, it came in first! Paying close attention, Sherm began to realize that this happened quite often. After checking out this phenomenon very carefully for a few days, "Sure Thing" began betting only on horses that had been blessed; and he did very well. Finally, he decided he could risk his life's savings. He drew out everything he had, monitored the priest's comings and goings like a scholar, and put his entire wad on a longshot, to win. You guessed it: That particular horse not only did not win, he came in last - dead last. Horrified and heart-broken, Sherman sought out the priest and begged him to tell him what had gone wrong. The padre sighed, then explained: "Ah, what a pity. That's the trouble, you see, with not being able to tell the difference between a Blessing and the Last Rites."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fix Dings Before They Become Cracks You can save yourself from having to replace your car windshield down the road by getting dings repaired in a timely matter. If you have comprehensive auto insurance, these repairs may be covered and they often waive your deductible so the repair is essentially free. Visit ThriftyFun For More Auto Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_126.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

Thanks to Darlene for this story: Two Newfies look at a Sears' Catalogue and admire the models. One says to the other: "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?" The second replies. "Yes, they are darn beautiful! And look at the price!" The first says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they're not very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." The second smiles and claps him on the back, "Good idea, order one and if she is as beautiful as in the catalogue, I'll get one too." Three weeks later, the Newfie asks his chum "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears' catalogue?" The second replies, "No. But it shouldn't be long now.... I got her underwear yesterday!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Carribean Coral Reefs

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Sneaky SP3 install attempt  



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  September 19, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

An intellectual is a man who doesn't know how to park a bike. --- Spiro T. Agnew
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture and letter from her friend Jamie: Here are a few more pics of the grizzly sow and cub I've been following around at Chilko. I also have two short videos posted on YouTube, see below for the links. They are a bit rough, as they were shot from a boat, but are still an entertaining glimpse into the life of a young grizzly family at Chilko Lake. Fishing Grizzlies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KmaJRaE_lc Fishing Grizzlies 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNggvdlnBRA Have a great one! Jamie
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Richard Anthony Smith, 25, from Knoxville, California Sent in by Ross Agent Bozo got stuck The Associated Press | Thursday, Sep 18 2008 12:48 PM Last Updated: Thursday, Sep 18 2008 12:53 PM It wasn't the preferred way to enter the Knoxville Museum of Art, but Richard Anthony Smith told police he was on a mission. The 25-year-old Knoxville man called 911 from his cell phone before dawn Wednesday saying he was trapped in an air conditioning duct leading from the museum roof, Knoxville police spokesman Darrell DeBusk said. Police and firefighters reached the roof, found a rope and cable and followed them to a vent shaft. Peering inside, they spotted Smith about 45 feet down. "Mission failed," he told them. Hoisted up and read his rights, Smith told police he was a "special agent from the United States Illuminati, badge number 0931" and had rappelled onto the museum from a helicopter, a police report said. He said he was following orders to "defuse and confiscate" a Soviet-made nuclear warhead, specifically a "MERV6SS-22AN" warhead, according to the report. The bomb supposedly was hidden in a blue plastic cow sculpture in the museum basement, he said. However, Smith told officers his "agency" called while he was in the air-vent limbo to say it made a mistake and the bomb might be in a Memphis museum instead. Police charged Smith with aggravated robbery. He was being held on $2,000 bond at the Knox County Jail. Authorities said he did not have a lawyer.
Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves. The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible." The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments." The third guy says, "I gave you WHAT????"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leesa Re: Sneaky SP3 install attempt Dear Webby, They have done it again. No matter how cautious I have been, SP3 sneaked in a download before I caught it. No, I hadn't had time to install the blocker. Anyway, it is sitting there in my task bar because my firewall wouldn't let it install. I have AMD Athlon, so know it will cause big problems for me that I don't want to have to deal with. My questions is how to I get rid of it now? I don't want to install it, then have to go to add/remove, if it even lets me do that. Have a good one. Havin' fun now Leesa Dear Leesa Install the blocker first. It's fast. So fast that you ill wonder if it really happened. Next, go one step into the install, and select CUSTOM. In there you can take the checkmark off SP3, and put a checkmark onto "Don't bug me about this stuff again", or something to that effect. Have FUN! DearWebby

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his, "Our neighbor Thelma fell in the well last week when she was chasing her dog with a big stick..." he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Koop. "Is she all right now?" "She must be," said little Irving. "She stopped yelling yesterday."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Closet Organizer Plastic milk crates make great closet organizers for stacking clothing. The old sturdy milk crates are pretty hard to come by at this point, but you can purchase light weight plastic crates at the dollar store or department store that work just as well. Visit ThriftyFun For More Closet Organizing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Cl ... 9_678.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The marriage officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "Hmmmm, I think I understand. You need a television."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: StunningCastles

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Sbcglobal Mail Problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  September 18, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --- Bert Leston Taylor A philosopher is a sort of intellectual yokel who gawks at things that sensible people take for granted." --- Alan W. Watts
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A property manager of single family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes! Ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Thanks to Jim for this picture: Sunset on the Great Sacandaga Lake, New York
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Allen Young, 32, of Lancaster, California Cone zone to jail BY STEVE E. SWENSON, Californian staff writer Wednesday, Sep 17 2008 6:47 AM Last Updated: Wednesday, Sep 17 2008 2:18 PM A law-breaking past caught up with two Lancaster men in the cone zone Tuesday evening, the California Highway Patrol reported. David Allen Young, 32, was driving through a construction zone around 6:45 p.m. on Highway 58 near Comanche Road, allegedly going nearly 100 mph. Young swerved his 1991 Honda Prelude from the fast lane to the slow lane and began knocking over orange cones. Workers jumped out of his way, but one didn’t make it entirely out the way. Worker William Duford, 35, of Bakersfield, suffered minor leg injuries as he was struck. California Highway Patrol officer Greg Williams described Duford, a worker for Granite Construction Co., as "the luckiest man alive" for being able to avoid a more serious injury. Young lost control of his car and swerved into oncoming traffic before stopping. A nearby California Highway Patrol officer nabbed him as he was getting out of the car. Young was arrested on a charge of felony drunken driving, and his passenger, Alflie L. Ashmore, 41, of Lancaster, was arrested for public drunkenness, the CHP said. But then the officer learned that the two men have allegedly been involved in a strong arm robbery and assault in Tehachapi. The Tehachapi Police Department brought the robbery victim to the suspects and the victim identified them. So Young and Ashmore were also booked into jail on robbery and assault with a deadly weapon charge. Young’s bail is $96,000 and Ashmore’s is $77,000 but he also has a parole hold, jail officials reported.
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Sbcglobal Mail Problem Dear Webby my email address is ****51@sbcglobal.net..my husband and i both subscribe to the webby but for some reason for the last couple of weeks we have not received the jokes and pictures like we used to ...all we are getting is the left side of page .. the other side is blank and has nothing on it...as far as we know we have not done anything different than usual and nothing has been done to our computer...could u please email me back and let me know if there is something we can do to start receiving it like we used to...we miss the jokes and pictures.... thank u..darlene Dear Darlene That problem is not anything YOU did. It's because Sbcglobal treats you as if you were a silly yahoo, and pushes the content on Internet Explorer a few feet over to the right. According to them, all silly yahoos are left wingers. They don't need or deserve the content from the right side, right? There is a trick around sbcglobal's shenanigans, though. If you hit REPLY, as if you were going to show somebody how crappy the Sbcglobal.net mail is, then all of a sudden it becomes visible. You don't have to actually send the reply off. The threat alone is enough. Another trick is to use FireFox, Google Chrome, Opera, Maxthon, Safari or any browser other than Internet Explorer. Sbcglobal only messes with Internet Explorer. HTML mail shows fine on all the other browsers. Another solution is to get a better email service, like for example gmail. It is free too. If you want a referral to it, let me know. By the way, the old Humor Letters are archived at http://webby.com/humor/blog Have FUN! DearWebby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~SOMETHING INTERESTING~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago, that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink, so that he would not look at the wife too closely, before the marriage had become a habit. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, or honeymoon.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Coconut Meat After cracking a coconut open and draining the liquid, bake the two halves in a 400 degree F oven for 25-30 minutes. The fresh coconut meat will come out very easily with a little help from a soup spoon. And your kitchen will have a tropical scent! Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips And Info http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

By nature Christians are the most forgiving, understanding and thoughtful group of people I've ever dealt with. They never assume the worst at the get-go, they appreciate the importance of having different perspectives, they're slow to anger, quick to forgive and almost never make rash judgments or act in anything less than a spirit of total love. "No, wait -- I meant Labrador Retrievers."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Big Picture
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com




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Dear Webby, what is an eBook ? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  September 17, 2008

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. --- George Carlin Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. --- Victor Hugo
Thanks to Sandie for this story: On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage." The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to three teenagers in Baltimore Teens tried to rob undercover cop BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Three teenagers in Baltimore made a poor choice in victims when they allegedly attempted to rob a plainclothes officer, police say. Police said the teenagers lured the undercover officer into an alley with talk of a drug transaction and then tried to rob him, The Baltimore Sun reported. The officer, whose name wasn't released, showed his gun and grabbed one suspect but the other two got away. The 15-year-old suspect was charged with attempted armed robbery. The arresting officer had been working undercover as part of a drug investigation, the newspaper said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
"Miss Johnson, I was just going over this letter you wrote. Your typing is definitely improving. I see that there are only six mistakes here." "Why thank you, sir. I do feel as though I am getting better at this part of my job." "Now then, let's take a look at the second line."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wayne Re: What is an eBook ? Dear Webby What exactly is an eBook? What do I need to read one? Some eBooks say they have a warranty? Does that mean I can read and copy one, and then get my money back? Wayne Dear Wayne eBooks are just books or magazines or courses in downloadable form. No trees are killed, and nothing is shipped by post or courier. You simply download the file. Almost all eBooks are in PDF format to ensure that everybody sees it in exactly the same way, no matter what kind of computer they have. To read them, you need a PDF reader like Foxit or Adobe Reader. You can get those free in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools You can read eBooks on your computer. There is no need to print them out, though you certainly can. You can even copy them onto your laptop or a CD. Giving a copy to a family member or close friend is generally OK too, but uploading it and selling it or giving it away, will land you in jail. The warranty on eBooks is the same as on a newspaper dispenser. If you don't receive it, you get your money back. But don't expect to get your money back, after you have read and possiby copied a newspaper or eBook. Newspaper dispensers and eBook downloaders work in only one direction. With eBooks, don't pre-judge it by the number of pages, any more than you would Cliffs Notes. Quite often somebody has gone through a LOT of work to condense a mountain of information into a concise study guide that is short enough, so that it does not surpass your attention span or overload you with unnecessary fillers, like paper books usually do. Have FUN! DearWebby

Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch check.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cloudy Vases If your flower vases have a cloudy look or a white film buildup inside, try soaking them in white vinegar. It should remove the film. Also try to clean and dry them as soon as possible after using. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cleaning Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Buyers Beware

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Erratic mouse 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  September 16, 2008

You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him up to a heavy load. --- Paul "Bear" Bryant,
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette. "You're not rescued yet either."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to some residents of Eastrington, England sent in by Deeli Bonehead Tax EASTRINGTON, England (UPI) -- Residents of Eastrington, England, say the local council's plans to fine them $2,000 for parking in driveways with the wrong kind of curbs are "ridiculous." The owners of 12 houses on the village's Pinfold Street said they received letters from the council citing a 30-year-old law requiring their driveways to have "dropped" curbs that allow for easier access, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday. They said the letters threatened $2,000 fines if they continue to park in their driveways without correcting the curbs. "I just couldn't believe it when the letter arrived," said Ken Laverack, 61. "The council themselves put my drive in 20 years ago and now they're saying I can't use it. It's absolutely ridiculous, my car is just on the road now." Neighbor Adam Stroud agreed. "Why should we have to pay to have this work done to council property -- the footpath -- just so we can cross it to get to our private land?" he asked. A spokesman for East Riding of Yorkshire Council, which sent the letters, said the enforcement is aimed at reducing damage to roads. "Homeowners are able to apply for a properly constructed drop curb to provide vehicular access to property and many thousands of East Riding residents have followed this procedure," he said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International --------------------------------- A $2000 fine for failing to apply for a free dropped curb ? Is that a bonehead tax ?
A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from making me go with them to visit Aunt Helen."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: Erratic cursor Dear Webby Often my cursor "flies" off the screen. Why is this happening? I recently had to have technical support to repair a problem and the tech gained control of my computer. Repairs were made but now I am faced with this problem. Any suggestions? I need help. Thanks Webby. Enjoy your website very much. Linda Dear Linda 99% of the time that problem is caused by the mouse, especially if it is an optical or laser mouse. Try cleaning the little glider pads under the mouse and then polish them by running the mouse hard over some scrap paper (not glossy or laser printed) After that, use regular white paper as a mouse pad. If that does not help, then you may have some virus infection. Have FUN! DearWebby

In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (hand-written underneath) ~ "Socks can eat any place they want."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080901@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Benefits of Buying Used Cars Save on your next car purchase by buying used. One concern I hear is that they will require expensive repairs. Here's one way to look at it. If a new car costs you $35,000 (or more) and a 5 year old version costs $15,000, the difference in price leaves you a lot of room to make repairs. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Auto Buying Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_444.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:Share & Compare Your MPG  

Do you know about the support group for people who talk too much? It's called "On and On Anon."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: WWII Aviation Museum

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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