Tuesday, October 4, 2011, 08:43 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, October 4
If you are using McAfee and Firefox, don't use the
"Site Advisor" option. It will cause FireFox to crash two to
three times per day. By now you probably know yourself
already, which sites are safe and which ones aren't.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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If there were in the world today any large number
of people who desired their own happiness more
than they desired the unhappiness of others, we
could have paradise in a few years.
--- Bertrand Russell
Never have children, only grandchildren.
--- Gore Vidal
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose
you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation
on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived.
I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Sue, when you have finished reading this letter,
don't forget to give it to my son."
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table
working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter
about government. The boy turned to his father and asked,
"Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"
Without hesitation, his father said, "Oh, less than half of them."
Click through for the big picture.
For those, who asked for a picture o those falls from a bit farther back:
Aboe the falls, where I took this picture, are a few, very nice
cedar benches, with bronze plaques commemorating the people,
in whose memory the benches were placed there. I always stop,
and even if I don't sit on a bench, I mentally greet the person,
whose name is on the plaque.
Sunday I climbed on top and stood on the backrest of one of the
benches, to get the angle for this particular picture.
From the tree at the edge, much larger in yesterday's picture
to the "beach" at the top edge of the falls, it's about 150 feet.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Meghan, 26 and Timothy, 19, Fleming in Salem, Oregon
ID'd by Tattoo
SALEM, Ore. - What happens when you give a homeless guy
some money and then ask for it back?
It gets you arrested - well at least it did in one woman's case.
The whole situation went down Thursday outside a PetSmart
store on Lancaster Drive N.E. in Salem.
According to police, 26-year-old Meghan Fleming went shopping
at the store and on her way out decided to give a few bucks to a
homeless man who was outside.
So far so good but police say Fleming changed her mind about
handing over the cash after getting to her car. So she drove
up to the man, pointed what looked like a handgun at him and
demanded that he give the money back to her. A man in the
car got involved as well and also demanded that the homeless
guy hand his money over.
The homeless man ended up giving her the money, which wasn't
much (police say it was $5). He then walked into the PetSmart
store and told workers there he had just been robbed. Those at
the store were familiar with the woman the man said had robbed
him and were able to give police her name.
Fleming was arrested a short time later at her home. Police say
she had her two 2-year-old twins in the car with her when the
incident unfolded and they were turned over to relatives.
"Meghan certainly could have asked for her money back, but
that was not the case," Lt. Steve Birr with the Salem Police
Department said in a news release. "She crossed the line
when she pointed what looked like a firearm at him and demanded
he hand over the money."
The man who was in the car with Fleming - 19-year-old Timothy
Fleming (her nephew) - later turned himself in to police in Turner.
The 'gun' turned out to be a BB gun.
Police say the victim was just out of prison and didn't want to press
charges, but the District Attorney's office decided to pursue the case.
Both Meghan Fleming and Timothy Fleming are charged with armed
robbery and are now sitting at the Marion County Correctional Facility.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Mia
Re: How long to learn HTML
Dear Webby
how long does it normally take to learn HTML?
Mia
Dear Mia
It takes half an hour to learn the basics from free tutorials,
a month of using it to get comfortable with it,
teaching it to others for half a year to get really good at it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup,
and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should
know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found
it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his
closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a
wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there.
You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound
since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture
Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.
"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in
life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use That Bucket of Soapy Water
After you've hand-washed your vehicle, don't pour out the
bucket of soapy water solution just yet-there's still a lot of
cleaning power in those suds; pour it on dirty spots on
your patio, carport/garage floor, picnic table, you-name-it!
Scrub the dirty spots with a stiff broom, then rinse with
clean water. Voila! You've gotten double duty from your
bucket of detergent!
By Becky
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
 Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The thunder god went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor," he cried.
The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."
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Alternate speakers for the computer
Monday, October 3, 2011, 06:11 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, October 3
I snuck out this morning to get some fall color pictures and
drove up to Sheep River Falls. The trick there is to be early,
not just before the crowds, but before the sun is overhead
or behind the falls. Luckily I seem to be almost the only one
to know that.
There sure were a lot of vehicles headed up there when I
was coming back.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing,
but none of them serious."
--- Alan Minter
"I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
--- Greg Norman
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the
ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into
his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car,
got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a
community service by giving the driver his chicken.
So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the
bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks,
I just bought some."
"OK, if you say so!"
Thanks to Gran for this story:
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a
large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the
top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in
just a few minutes.
All production was immediately shut down as employees
scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty
fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons
pressed down in unison and blew the main beaker for the
building.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance.
"Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to
come downstairs quietly?
Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always
come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Click through for the big picture.
I managed to sneak out this morning and get some fall pictures.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Albert Tejeda, 31 in Casa Grande, AZ
ID'd by Tattoo
CASA GRANDE, Ariz. – A man was arrested after fleeing from
police during a traffic stop.
A Pinal County sheriff’s deputy tried to conduct a traffic stop
on a 2003 Toyota vehicle for a traffic violation Monday
morning in the area of First Street and Jimmie Kerr Boulevard.
The driver pulled over, but as the deputy approached the vehicle,
the man sped off, prompting a police pursuit outside of Casa
Grande.
The chase was called off when the suspect drove into a
residential area and construction zone.
The driver was identified based on records from the Motor
Vehicle Division, that indicate the suspect has tattoos on his
face. He is identified as Albert Tejeda, 31.
Deputies caught up to the suspect as he was walking near
Second Street and Cameron Avenue. He was carrying a duffle
bag with a Samurai-style sword sticking out.
Tejeda resisted arrest at first, but a K9 unit was deployed
and he was taken into custody without further incident.
He faces charges including felony flight from pursuing law
enforcement vehicle and misconduct involving weapons.
Plus, speeding in a construction zone.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Trinity
Re: Computer Sound
Dear Webby
From Trinity
Re: Sound
Dear Webby,
My computer corner is one of those "hutch" type desk/shelves
combos and I have no room for big speakers, plus I don't want
to shell out the ridiculous amounts of money they want for them,
when I have a perfectly good Surround-Sound music system
already in the room.
Is there a way to tap into the squeaker-speakers that came
with the computer?
Trinity
Dear Trinity
Yes, sure there is. Have a look at your sound system and
find a socket labelled AUX in the front, or four screws or
clamps labelled AUX in the back.
Measure the distance between the computer and that AUX
connection and get a shielded sound cable of that length with
a 1/8" 3 wire plug on the computer side, and whatever size
plug you need on the sound system side.
Before you plug it in, turn down the volume on the computer
way down so as not to blow up your sound system. Keep in
mind that your sound system has a very powerful amplifier.
Gradually turn up the volume. Most computer sound cards
work best in the lower quarter of their volume range. Use
the sound system's amplifier to get the volume you want.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dry Erase Board for Appointments
We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry
erase board and put it up right where we all could see it.
We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for
quick notes to each other.
By Lazetta
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for
their prescriptions at least helped me pass the time. When
their meds were finally ready, they paid and walked away. The
druggist stood there and shook his head.
I asked, "What's with them ?"
He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax
and she's on Prozac."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Miss Prussy was going over mischievous Melvin Messpot's
records with his anxious parents. On one page was the
statement, "Melvin used fowl language today."
Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light,
snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong."
Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L.
Your child called me a big fat pile of chicken sh*t."
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Sunday, October 2, 2011, 07:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, October 2
Thanks to Penny for this:
Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently
had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had
been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages?
His reply:
"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk."
Luckily the Presidential directive of "Courageous Restraint"
only applies to regular troops and Uniformed Social Workers.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"Without freedom to offend, there is no freedom of Speech."
--- Salman Rushdie
The power of accurate observation is commonly
called cynicism by those who have not got it.
--- George Bernard Shaw
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told
the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for
his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting new
tires for her car."
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly
slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are
wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped
through your steering wheel?"
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for
window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out
that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality
time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm
requesting."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Dyan Castorena, 40
Inmate fled work detail
PHOENIX – The Arizona Department of Corrections is searching
for an inmate who walked away from a work crew in Tolleson
Friday morning.
Dyan Castorena, 40, was working at the Manheim auto auction
near Van Buren Street and 83rd Avenue when she took a car
from the auction and drove away just after 11 a.m.
She was last seen leaving the auction in a four-door silver or
gray Toyota Camry driving west on Van Buren Street.
Castorena is housed in the Piestewa Unit of Arizona State
Prison Complex - Perryville.
Arizona Department of Corrections teams from Perryville
and the Lewis prison were dispatched to apprehend her.
Castorena had been sentenced to 1.5 years out of Maricopa
County for theft and has been in prison since July 13.
It is not likely, that she will make it across the border and
is facing five to ten years in maximum security, without
a fresh air work release.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rob
Re: Copies of XP
Dear Webby
I put a copy of my Windows XP onto my daughter's computer
after the hard drive on it went south and had to be replaced.
It does the automatic updates just as regularly as mine. There
is nothing to worry about.
Rob
Dear Rob
Yes, you are right. Some stats program at Microsoft simply
adjusted the percentage of people who run the same serial
number on more than one machine. As long as it is just in the
family, they usually don't make a fuss.
If you were putting the same Windows serial number onto
a few hundred machines in a company, then you would hear
from their lawyers or the cops. However, as far as I know,
the automatic updates and bug fixes work anyway even
if the same serial number is on more than one machine.
With Microsoft Office you have to be more careful. They
can axe that, just as you are trying to save a big document,
and force you to pay for it right then and there.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her
parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the
table, the father invites the fiance into the living
room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks.
"I'm a bible scholar," he replies.
"A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but
what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father, "How will you support
children?"
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us."
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father
and asks him "So, how did it go?"
The father says, "He has no job and no plans.
But, he thinks I am God!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dry Erase Board for Appointments
We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry
erase board and put it up right where we all could see it.
We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for
quick notes to each other.
By Lazetta
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An old wild west fort is about to be attacked.
The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate
the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground...
"Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves,
four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions.
All have war paint...many many guns.
Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by
listening to the ground???"
"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full
of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing what the dog's duties might
be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dog to
find the fire hydrant!"
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Saturday, October 1, 2011, 10:56 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, October 1
Thanks to Carole for this:
Dear Webby, heres one you might can use. keep up the good work.
Carole
It finally is making sense !
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't
figure this out sooner!!!! Its the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this
warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten
rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish
soap instead. Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
REMOVE. Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
Your Blond friend.
Carole
I wonder how many people will now fill their bra with shampoo
while they sit in a tub of dish soap?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones
out of stumbling blocks."
--- Jack Penn
Whaddya mean with that?
A mistake, that is not repeated, is a stepping stone.
DearWebby
When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's
wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was
sitting with Mother in the living room when my sister came
down the stairs.
The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes
welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"Don't cry, remember you're not losing a daughter,
you're gaining a son."
"Oh, I'm not crying about that. Good Riddance! It's time
you cleaned up your own mess!" she said with a sob.
"I used to fit into that dress!"
When a physician remarked on a new patient's
extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said,
"High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could
your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to delivered the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."
Kenny eventually became a certain president's chief
fund raiser.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Charles Burnett, 29, of Teaneck, N.J.
Robbed same bank three days in a row
New Jersey resident Charles Burnett, we think he might have
got the words should and shouldn't confused.
On Monday morning, he pushed his way to the front of the
queue at a Manhattan bank and handed a note to the teller
to say that he had a gun and wanted some cash.
On paper, it sounds like a good start. On the security camera,
not so much. Burnett had failed to wear any disguise but wore
gloves. That morning he only made $2,258.
The next morning, rather than spending his money on a trip
to Mexico and a new look, Burnett decided to head back to
the same bank for more. This time he made around $14,000.
The bank noticed they had a fan and sent security camera
images of Burnett to the police and local papers. The next
day, with all the staff and local authorities familiar with his
face, he returned to rob the bank again. This time he made
$10,002 but didn't make it very far before he was caught.
Burnett was arrested by a pair of police officers passing
by the bank as he exited Wednesday.
"They tackled him today just as I was coming in," said teller
Danielle Stephens, 25, who was present during Tuesday's
robbery. "He ran out onto Gold Street and they tackled him."
"Same guy, three days in a row," Stephens said. Obviously
he wanted to get caught. He didn't seem like he was all there."
Burnett was charged with three counts of robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Frank
Re: Soaked Tripod
Dear Webby
What do you mean with
"well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod"?
Do you mean the tripod of a well soaked or drunk surveyor?
Frank
Dear Frank
Surveyor's tripods are usually made from ash or beech wood,
and as they age, they become hard and brittle. That causes
them to transmit and even amplify the micro-tremors of the
earth, both natural ones and from vehicles.
Soaking the tripod in a creek or in the shower softens the
wood and makes it absorb those micro tremors. That makes
a huge difference in the sharpness and clarity of long zoom
shots.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some
time off from work,"said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" asked , his co-worker.
He proceeded to show...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging
upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the man hanging from the ceiling, and
asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
began walking out too. The boss asked,
where was going.
answered,
"I'm going Home...........I can't work in the dark."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dry Erase Board for Appointments
We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry
erase board and put it up right where we all could see it.
We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for
quick notes to each other.
By Lazetta
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
With tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday
morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion
of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the
top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he
was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.
He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were
causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually
removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I
can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."
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Friday, September 30, 2011, 09:10 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thank you Cindy!
Thanks to Neil for this valuable info about moving the HOME
button on recent versions of FireFox:
To move firefox home button (or any other for that matter)
Open the Customize window via "View > Toolbars > Customize" or
via "Firefox > Options > Toolbar Layout"
Drag the Home button from its current position at the right to the
left end of the location bar.
Thanks Neil!
Ignore the stuff that opens, just take that as a signal,
that the top of the browser is unlocked, and that you can drag
any and all stuff around.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city."
--- George Burns
A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you
can invent.
--- William Blake (1757 - 1827)
A teacher caught a student in the hall during class time and
said, "Jill, tell me, whose class you're cutting this time?"
The young teen said, "Like, uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really
don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
The teacher smiled and said, "It's your English class, isn't it?"
In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie started to choke
on a bone. A man rushed over, reassured the Yuppie that he
was going to be all right and identified himself as a doctor.
He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.
As the man's breath & voice returned he said,
"I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you?"
The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what
you were willing to pay while you were choking."
Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking.
One little boy turned to the other little boy and said,
"My grandfather has a wooden leg."
The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a
cedar chest."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
First American Funding Co.
Columbus mortgage firm hit with largest
'no call' fine in state history
A Columbus residential mortgage company has been ordered
to pay $144,000 to the state for violating the Wisconsin "no call" law,
in what the attorney general is calling the largest judgment against
a company for violating the law in state history.
First American Funding Co. was sued by the state earlier this year
for "massive violations" of the no-call law.
The no-call law allows phone users in Wisconsin to put their
phone numbers on the no-call list, supposedly prohibiting
companies from making unsolicited sales calls.
According to the state's complaint, First American Funding
made about 3 million telephone solicitation calls in 2010,
with half or more of those calls in some months going to
numbers on the "no-call" list.
"As this judgment shows, those who ignore the Wisconsin
'no-call' list do so at their own peril," said Attorney General
J.B. Van Hollen in a press release announcing the judgment.
If First American Funding violates the terms of the settlement
with the state, it could face up to $750,000 in fines.
More than 60 consumers filed complaints about the company
with the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade and
Consumer Protection.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Herber
Re: Digital Zoom
Dear Webby
I am not at all impressed with the Digital zoom on my camera.
How high is it safe to go with it?
Herber
Dear Herber
Don't use the digital zoom at all. It's just idiot bait that sales
people use to catch people who don't have a clue about
digital cameras.
All the digital zoom does is increase the size of the pixels.
That makes it appear almost like a zoom or an enlargement
in your paint program, except it makes everything coarse
and jaggy. Leave the digital zoom set at 0 or 1, get a sharp
picture, and enlarge that, if necessary, in your paint program.
With the real glass zoom, clarity and sharpness depend
MORE on how steady the camera is than on the price of
the optics.
For the absolute steadiest base of a camera, use an old,
soft leather purse filled with sand or bird shot.
Second best is a well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod.
Third best is a twenty-pound or better movie camera tripod.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California,
when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed,
and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of
my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said,
'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could,
I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Cut Flowers Last Longer
To prolong the life of cut flowers in a vase, add a couple of
drops of chlorine bleach. Never submerse any of the stem
with leaves in the water. It adds to the decay factor.
By Teresa from Vine Grove, KY
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Bob for this:
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after
some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of
weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite
upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out
why she was so angry.
She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line
I had written "Escort Service."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish...
He really wanted a drink,
but he just couldn't bring himself to buy one.
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Thursday, September 29, 2011, 10:14 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 29
Got the results of the tests. Apparently my heart was pumping
at 38% of what it should have. That is no surprise to me.
In that silly torture position I shut down like a tiger waiting
for some food to come close enough.
They are going to do the walking test next week.
I wonder if they are practising or training?
Sandie asked me about the Tritium, that supposedly escaped
at the Palisades nuclear power plant in Michigan.
Tritium is a harmless isotope of hydrogen, and like hydrogen
or helium, it goes straight up. In captivity, it fires off Beta
particles, just like the green dots on gramma's alarm clock.
They go about a quarter inch in clean air, less in dirty air,
and they can not penetrate the dead outermost layer of skin.
If you were hoping for mutated mutts and purple cats, you
are out of luck. Tritium has always been around power plants,
but since it is harmless and rather useless, nobody except
reporters desperate for something to exaggerate, has paid
any attention to it. Tritium is like the Ozone generated in
light switches and breakers. Yes, sure, and so what?
It is measurable, but of absolutely no consequence.
Don't worry about it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Think you can, think you can’t;
either way, you’ll be right.
--- Henry Ford
"There are more important things in life than money,
but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
--- Socratex
Thanks to Bill fro this:
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager
knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and
says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow
some of your clothes?"
A girl said to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy
a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He replied, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are
you gonna break wind?"
I overheard a couple talking while they came out of a ressaturant
and discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the
price of the ham dinner you just ate, each of the hogs back on the
farm are worth more than a tractor."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Misael Ruiz, 31 in Salinas California
Man Posing As Female Prostitute Shot By Stun Gun
SALINAS, Calif. -- Monterey County sheriff's deputies said
they arrested a 31-year-old Salinas man who posed as a
female prostitute before getting into a fight on Highway 101.
On Tuesday night, Bryan Oster offered to pay Misael Ruiz,
who he believed was a woman, $60 for sexual acts, Deputy
Nicholas Kennedy said. Ruiz agreed and got into the 36-year-old's
1986 Silver Nissan, authorities said.
After doing the sex acts inside the Nissan, the prostitute
attempted to take more than $60 from Oster while he was
driving, Kennedy said. The two men broke into a fight that
eventually spilled into the street.
"Oster produced a Taser electric stun device and repeatedly
tried to use this device on Ruiz in order to retrieve his cash,"
Kennedy said.
While wearing women's clothing, eyebrow liner, and lipstick,
Ruiz fought back by beating Oster with a large rock, deputies said.
While the two men were fighting, witnesses called 911 and
deputies arrived on the scene at 11:25 p.m. Both men were
arrested and booked into the Monterey County Jail.
Ruiz, of Pearl Street in Salinas, was charged with prostitution
and Oster was charged with assault with a deadly weapon,
deputies said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sue
Re: RoboForm problem with FireFox 7
Dear Webby
You talked me into using RoboForm many yeaars ago, and
I am very glad and grateful you did. The other day FireFox
updated to version 7, which is OK, except for putting the HOME
icon onto the far right corner, which is usually shoved beyond
the edge of the screen.
What is NOT OK is that RoboForm does not work with FireFox7.
What do you recommend? Going to an earlier version of FireFox?
Thanks
Sue
Dear Sue
Just go to roboform.com and
download the current version, and do a really lazy install.
It takes a while converting all your 6900 user names and passwords
to the new format, so don't be impatient.
Close down FireFox and let it do it's thing, while you go
do the dishes. If you close down FireFox after starting the
RoboForm Re-installation, it won't need your input, and it will
be quite safe to even have breakfast.
When you return, start up FireFox and it will have the familiar
RoboForm bar and all your passwords will work as usual.
However, if you get impatient and start FireFox before the
RoboForm re-installation is completed, it won't work, and
there might even be a danger, that you trash some passwords.
So, do a lazy and patient installation, without messing around
while it does it's thing, and it will work just fine.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I
feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking
as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock
sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go
back to sleep for another four hours."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Moon Sand
For "moon sand", mix 9 cups play sand (really fine sand you
can find at Wal-Mart). Add 3 cups cornstarch and 2 1/4 to
2 1/2 cups water. Start with 2 1/4 cup and continue adding
water until you have the desired consistency. Mix well.
Cover and store in an airtight container. You may need to
add a few tablespoons of water if it needs to be moistened.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man walked into a beer joint near Waco and ordered a beer.
Just then President Obama appeared on the television.
After a few sips, the stranger looked up at the television and
mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,
Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass, too," he muttered.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly
stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat.
The man said, climbing back up to the bar,
"This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," says the bartender, "horse country."
------
Feel free to change the names in that joke.
Originally it featured Napoleon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Ralph was an Air Force colonel. He routinely flew on different
aircraft to familiarize himself with their capabilities. One day he
was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member
was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed him his computer screen.
"That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay
enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging."
Nodding, he moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's
screen several feet away was this warning: "Hide the game!
Brass coming your way!"
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10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School
Wednesday, September 28, 2011, 04:24 PM -
Posted by Administrator
Misconception Number 1:
Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.
Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's called "back to school".
Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes? So I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils, erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil.
Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher. I'm the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't listen to you, you can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah. Can I leave now?
Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a nickname..call him "stink butt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances" that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to "educate" him on that life lesson.
Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way, brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can't multitask?
PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science book.
Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables. I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjunction junction what's your function" if that helps at all. And please don't even say the words "new Math" to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?
Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun", lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with. I'm sure someone likes sardines.
Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long time.
Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.
Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower. Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."
Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses. But you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place."
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List picture names on CD into a file
Wednesday, September 28, 2011, 07:16 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 28
I did all the tests at the hosital, except the six minute walk
with an escort. They chickened out. Instead of it they cranked
the MRI bench into an uncomfortable position, and made me
stretch my arms above my head for half an hour. Apparently
that stresses the heart the same way. A lot less fun, though.
I will find out the results tomorrow.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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When they call the roll in the Senate,
the Senators do not know whether to
answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
--- Theodore Roosevelt
The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in
other men the conviction and the will to carry on.
--- Walter Lippman
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
At an Irish wedding reception
someone yelled...
"Would all the married men,
please stand next to the one person,
who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After
awhile, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our
prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can
do my own praying."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of
sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his
ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp
commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon,
the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck
was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a
destroyer under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all
surprised when another seaman approached him with a
message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised
to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more
surprised when he read:
"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway
preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing
speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of
the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before
getting under way to avoid getting court-marshalled for
stealing a ship."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Melissa Minarsich, 28 in Iowa City, Iowa
Sex Bid Rebuffed, Woman Hits Man,
Is Nailed By Cops
SEPTEMBER 27--“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much
to ask for?”
That’s what Melissa Minarsich said to police last night when they
arrived at her Iowa City home in response to a call of a
“female out of control.” As detailed by Minarsich, 28, she
got into an altercation with her boyfriend “because he would
not have sex with her.”
An Iowa City woman is accused of ripping a door off a house
and striking her boyfriend because he refused to have sex
with her.
Melissa B. Minarsich, 28, of 131 Taft Speedway, is charged
with domestic abuse assault, second offense, after the
argument at 10:24 p.m. Monday at her residence.
Officers were called to the residence for a report of a female
out of control. Minarsich’s boyfriend, with whom she has an
8-month-old son, said she became upset when he refused to
have sex with her, according to police reports.
Minarsich, who smelled strongly of alcohol and had slurred
speech, admitted to police this was the case.
“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?”
Minarsich asked the police. Minarsich is accused of hitting her
boyfriend a few times without injury and ripping the storm door
off the house.
She was previously convicted of domestic assault in Iowa
in 2009, according to records.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erin
Re: List picture names on CD into a file
Dear Webby
I want the names of the pictures on some CDs listed
in a file, that I can pull into a spreadsheet for sorting
and finding specific pictures, without having to load
all the CDs and search through each of them.
I'm sure you have some trick similar to your xcopy trick.
Erin
Dear Erin
Yes, sure. If you just want the file names,
and assuming your CD is in the D: drive, use
dir /b D:\ > listname1.txt
then for the next CD use
dir /b D:\ > listname2.txt
and so on.
Then you can open those text files, copy the content
and paste them into a spreadsheet.
Paste them into column B, and copy for example
CD-1
into the cells in column A as far down as there are file names.
Then do the same for the next CD file, but label each row
in column A for that CD.
You can even color each batch with a different background
color.
That way you can later sort them alphabetically, and
instantly see which CD has the file you are looking for,
for example, light green, CD12.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit
that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched
on with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert;
it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they
were the: "Fast Action Response Team" ...
gotta love their acronym" F.A.R.T.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Comment from Susan:
I would have annotated this (yesterday's tip about using a
dog-tag instead of a medical alert bracelet) by urging someone
with serious medical issues to get a Medic Alert bracelet or
necklace to wear on her person 24/7. EMTs are not to be
looking at her car keys if they come across this person in a
diabetic coma, they will be looking at her neck and wrist and
taking her vital signs. If she had a car accident and her keys
are in the car and she's in the road, nobody is going to rush
to her car to examine her keychain. Medic Alerts carry a
phone number they can call for detailed information and the
item itself carries the most important information, not just
"Diabetic". It's true you have to pay more for Medic Alert
but if one's health is of concern it's well worth it. This tip
could convey a false sense of security to people with
medical issues.
Susan
Keep Pins in Prescription Bottle
Keep straight pins in a prescription medication bottle.
This keeps them out of children's hands.
By kirstenenswan from Logan, UT
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A new employee is invited to the boss's house for dinner, just
as a way of welcoming him into the company. After they had
eaten a large meal, the new employee leans sideways on his
chair and lets rip an almighty fart.
The boss, with a look of disgust, turns to the man and says,
"How dare you fart in front of my wife?!"
The man replies, "Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize it was her
turn!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will three times!"
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Force copying without stopping due to problems
Tuesday, September 27, 2011, 06:36 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 27
By the time you are reading this, I will be on the road to
Foothills Hospital on the far side of Calgary. They want
to do a whole bunch of fancy testing, from MRI to injecting
me with a radioactive dye to measure exactly how much
blood my heart pumps per stroke.
One of the tests supposedly has me instrumented for 16 EKG
measurement points and hiking the hallways of the hospital
"for six minutes while accompanied by an escort".
Yeah, sure.
I imagine the escort will be some old docs on an electric
golf cart, yelling at me to walk slower, but I am quite willing
to let them surprise me.
I'll tell you all about how it went tomorrow.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are
hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend
money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of
them again."
--- Socratex
"Chance only favors a prepared mind"
--- Louis Pasteur
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart
attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.
After listening politely for over a half-hour on how
thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he
should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had
flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, with a deliberately slurry and sleepy
voice: "Don't be silly, the attack lasted only 6 hours! I just
got to where I ducktaped that preacher's mouth, when it
ended."
A family was having some people to dinner.
At the table, the mother turned to her little daughter and said,
"Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.
"Just say what you heard Mommy say." the woman said.
Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and
solemnly said,
"Dear Lawd, why in he-all did I let Dave invite all these
ungwatefull smobs to dinner again!?!"
Thanks to Betty for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
Red Maple among the Blue Eyed Marys
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19,
in Covina, Cdalifornia
Three Stooges
Three Covina men are behind bars after they allegedly stole a
30-pack of Tecate beer from a market and attempted to escape
but crashed a car and hit an employee who chased them, then
one ran through a car wash and another left behind his ID.
Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19,
were arrested Wednesday on charges of robbery, assault with
a deadly weapon and resisting arrest, according to a Covina
police report.
Kalscheuer and Fiumetto entered the Baja Ranch Market about
3 p.m. Wednesday while Huynh remained behind the wheel of
a car nearby.
Inside the store, Fiumetto grabbed a 30-pack of beer and the
two men ran out. Employees ran after the pair into the parking
lot, grabbing and detaining Kalscheuer and later turning him over
to police, according to the report.
Fiumetto, meanwhile, threw the beer in the car and jumped
in the front passenger seat.
As Huynh pulled out, an employee jumped on the hood of the
car to avoid getting run over. Huynh careened through the
parking lot, crashing against a curb and sending the employee
onto the pavement, scraping his arms in the fall, according to
the report.
Huynh and Fiumetto ran off. Fiumetto climbed a fence and ran
into the Citrus Car Wash next door.
Pepe Pinedo, the car wash manager, was standing amid drying
cars when he saw Fiumetto, pursued by two officers, run into
the car wash tunnel.
At the time, "there were two cars being washed in the tunnel,"
Pinedo said. "He got into the wash and the rollers and got all wet."
"By the time, he came out of the car wash, the officer was
already on the other end of the tunnel," he continued. "It was kind
of funny. It was a nice show."
Huynh ran off but had left his wallet and identification in the car.
Police officers contacted him later and convinced him to turn
himself in.
All three men are expected to be arraigned in court Friday. Until
then, they are being held in Covina City Jail in lieu of $50,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Trudy
Re: Force copying
Dear Webby
When I try copying my mail directory over to the machine
that has the CD burner, the Windows Explorer keeps tripping
up on all kinds of silly things, and of course each time aborts
the copying. This is driving me absolutely nuts! Is there a
way to do it from the DOS command line?
Trudy
Dear Trudy
That problem goes back a lot further than Windows and is
a bug in the copy command. Somebody forgot to put in a
way to recover from an error, just list it and get on with the
job. Incidentally, that is one of the major reasons DOS or
Windows never got mission critical certification.
Luckily around the time of DOS 2 somebody ported the UNIX
xcopy command eo DOS and Microsoft later adopted it very
quietly. Even though it works well, to this day there are
very few people that seem to know and use it.
As is common with UNIX commands, xcopy has about two
dozen "switches" to make it do exactly what you want.
If you want to see and print all of the options, go to the
command line:
START
RUN
cmd
then type
xcopy /?
You might want to print out the list of switches, or write
your favorite ones on a piece of tape on the monitor rim,
like a lot of pros do.
To copy a directory (folder) and it's subdirectories without
stopping for machine specific config files, which you don't
want to copy or overwrite anyway,
and copy only those files which are newer on the source
than the destination,
copy hidden and system files,
overwrite Read-Only files,
not show the list of files as they scroll down the screen,
and YES, dangit, copy the stuff without any silly prompts,
then use these switches:
xcopy source destination /S /V /C /H /Q /R /Y
You don't have to be at the source or the destination for
that to work. You can have that command in a text file with
a .bat extension, and hae that file in your toolbox folder, or
even on your desktop.
Like all DOS commands, xcopy works fine in bats.
You can put that line into a batchfile and make a desktop
shortcut icon to it.
That way you simply click on that shortcut icon and it
wheelbarrows all the new or changed files in your mail
directory AND it's subdirectories over to the machine with
the CD burner, without any fuss whatsoever.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the
last day of hunting season.
Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of
you said you were missing because of hunting season.
I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Dog Tag for Medical Information
I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have
my name and phone number, on the other side I list
O-POS / DIABETIC.
It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency
and can easily be seen.
By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she
sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful
blue suit.
She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how
much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost much. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was
brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they
were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she
would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She
said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads. The
fee for that is only $750."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal
registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When
my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on
a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
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True Story or Urban Legend
Monday, September 26, 2011, 08:35 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 26
All that accomplishes for them is losing respect.
Nobody likes the searches at the airports, and any group
trying to get exemptions on religious grounds just isolates
them. They obviously won't get their exemptions, so why
be a nuisance about it?
Until now the Sikhs had earned respect by being more
mature and civilized than other turban wearers, but events
like this will erode that respect very quickly!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"A psychologist once said that we know little about the
conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol."
---Thomas Blackburn
To do is to be
--- Descartes
To be is to do
--- Voltaire
Do be do be doo -
--- Frank Sinatra
Make love, not war
--- Richard Leary
Hell, do both, get married!
--- Rosy
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her,
"Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and
I gave my consent."
"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard
leaving mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones.
"You can gladly take her with you."
On a high school science quiz in Florida there was the question,
"When water becomes ice which of its physical properties
increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who
wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."
Thanks to Betty for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
The geese are getting organized for their trip south.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Marsha Munley, 37 and William Rice, 44 of Denham Springs, LA
Crooks busted after they walked into Sheriff's Office
DENHAM SPRINGS, LA — According to Fox 44 in Baton Rouge,
a rash of vacuum thefts in Livingston Parish had the Sheriff’s Office
baffled. That is until the thieves unwittingly drove themselves straight
into Deputy custody.
During the afternoon hours on Wednesday, Sept. 21, a deputy
looked out of his office window and couldn’t believe what he saw.
It was the vehicle they had been seeking in connection to a series
of thefts that had occurred over the past week at a car wash
establishment.
Detectives determined that the couple would break the lock
mechanisms to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal the
coins they found in the trash containers located inside.
(Not the coin operation strong-box, but the odd coins vacuumed
up along with cigarette butts and dropped fries.)
No less than four businesses were victimized by the pair. The
investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming.
The vehicle had been caught on surveillance cameras.
The driver of the 1990’s model red and white Chevy Suburban
that was caught on tape went into the Sheriff’s Office to file a
theft complain in an unrelated matter. Detectives took the
statement of William Rice, 44, of Denham Springs and his
female companion Marsha Munley, 37, also of Denham
Springs. Once they took the statement, the duo was taken
into custody and they were each charged with 3 counts of
Simple Criminal Damage to Property and 1 Count Simple Theft.
The investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming.
Rice and Munley are currently locked up in the Livingston
Parish Detention Center. Their bond has been set at $2,000.
Officials say that Rice and Munley would break the lock
mechanism to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal
the coins in the trash.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ms Liebsock
Re: TRUE STORY
Dear Webby
TRUE STORY ...
Dear Ms Liebsock
Whenever you see "TRUE STORY" and it comes from AOL,
it is a hoax. Also, if it comes from AOL and you read
"As announced by Microsoft (or IBM, or AOL, or McAfee, or etc.)
you can also file it on the same shelf.
And take it with a big grain of salt.
For tons of examples of "TRUE STORY" hoaxes click on the
Urban Legend link in the left side margin of the Humor Letter.
There are nowhere near all of them there, but plenty to keep
you laughing for years.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929)
was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church,
but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked,
"Was the sermon good?"
"Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply.
"What was it about?" Grace asked.
"Sin."
"And what did the minister say?"
"Seems to be against it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Dog Tag for Medical Information
I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have
my name and phone number, on the other side I list
O-POS / DIABETIC.
It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency
and can easily be seen.
By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Jeanne for this:
As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the
airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the
gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing:
"The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately
two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain
seated."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
"Ode to the Spell Checker!"
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Filter spam by conent, not by FROM address
Sunday, September 25, 2011, 09:55 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 25
Thank you Patricia!
Sandie sent me a link to an ancient roman shipyard, that has
been uncovered, right where all the old books said it had been,
in the ancient Roman suburb of Portus.
Roman Shipyard
What seems incredible to me is not the shipyard, but that Rome
in those days was already bigger than San Francisco is now,
and at that time coped quite well. Imagine the garbage, water
and sewer bills in a Million+ town distributed on stone or clay
tablets!
The cops in those days were strictly foot patrols. No cop
cars, no guns. But they managed.
They didn't have a problem with illegals. Everybody paid taxes,
except for the slaves. If somebody didn't want to pay taxes,
they better liked seafood, because they got a job as a chained
on rower on a ship, for life. But that was no problem. Immigrants
stood in line to get onto the tax rolls, that gave them the
protection of the Pax Romana, the set of laws, upon which
all of our laws are based. Yeah, based on, and heavily amended
so as to be sometimes the opposite of the original.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
--- Oscar Levant
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary
from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
--- Miss Piggy
One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.
--- Socratex
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated
but not be able to say it.
--- Socratex
Women like silent men,
they think they're listening.
--- Socratex
Here is a delightful classic:
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking
meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their
truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to
the other end. At the last house an older woman was
looking out her kitchen window watching the two men
as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down
the alley and back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized
the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing
right behind them. They stopped and asked her what
was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas
men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd
better run too!"
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated
cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she
was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get
moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a
book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided
to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was
working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it twice
before."
Thanks to betty for this picture:
.jpg)
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Natalie Behnke, 25, in Clearwater, FL
Unauthorized stripper
Clearwater, Florida -- She took off her clothes and asked
customers for money. That's not an unusual occurrence
at the Baby Dolls gentleman's club in Clearwater, but the
problem is, Natalie Behnke was no exotic dancer.
When the Pinellas Sheriff's Office was called to the club
Tuesday night, the responding deputy was greeted by
Behnke, 25, at the front door in her underwear. She was
described as emotional and intoxicated.
he club's manager told the deputy Behnke was inside
earlier when she began taking off her clothes and approaching
customers, asking for money. The manager reportedly told
her to put her clothes back on, but Behnke refused and
became aggressive with the female employees when they
told her she could not do what she was doing.
Behnke was arrested and charged with disorderly
intoxication.
Mugshots of her last 7 arrests are here.
Most were for False ID, Driving while License Suspended, DUI, etc.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: George
Re: Can't block mail with bad return addresses
Dear Webby...
I received this spam at my old address, but am unable to
add the address to the 'Blocked Sender List' because of
the '-' ! My question for you: How can I get rid of this
spammer?
From: comcast@unspecified-domain
George
Dear George
The problem is not the dash, but the missing ".com"
"unspecified-domain" means the spammer didn't specify a
domain.
I don't bother filtering by the usually forged FROM address.
I filter by the content.
Look for something in the content, that you see only in spam
but not in legitimate mails, and filter for that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Now this is a real classic. The first time I saw that, it was on
the old Fax-Jokes circuit.
JOB OFFER
Reverend Samuel Joesph Woodstone
515 North Lilly Street
Dallas, Texas
Dear Sir,
You may have seen me on television during my crusade,
preaching the word and begging people to change their lives.
Sitting behind me was a rather worn, battered, weathered,
poor excuse for a human by the name of Headford Lonston.
He is a serious drunk, womanizer and exhibits all that is wrong
with mankind. I point to him during my services to show how
drinking, smoking, drugs, and mis-using Gods talents can
destory a man. Mr Headford also had the worst BO in the
world and the worst breath.
Mr Headford would just nod his head, fart, belch, scratch his
butt and grin with his two teeth as I would preach the word of
God to the masses.
Well about two weeks ago Headford passed away, a miserable
excuse for a man. I prayed over his souless body hoping
beyond hope that God in His wisdom would forgive Headford.
So this brings me aroung to the point of this letter. I am in need
of another Headford and many of your friends, family and work
mates have suggested you as the only possible heir to
Heaford's job.
Please respond so we may make plans to continue to do the
Lord's work.
Sincerely,
The Rev Sam Woodstone
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Dog Tag for Medical Information
I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have
my name and phone number, on the other side I list
O-POS / DIABETIC.
It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency
and can easily be seen.
By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bob's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where
he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a
patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Bob hung
his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an
emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response,
dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A couple of country doctors in West Virginia were discussing
the population explosion in the world.
One physician says, "Why, Bubba, this crazy birth thang is
gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room
for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this
here planet!"
The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em
down a bit!"
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Don't bounce spam, just dump it
Saturday, September 24, 2011, 11:00 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 24
Yesterday was a day of vivid colors.
When I finally finished Thursday's work at 7 am, the sky
over the prairies in the East was on fire. You see the
picture further down.
In the evening it was still hot from the afternoon, so I
delayed my walk until the temperature dropped below 27º
(80 F). By then a light breeze made it more comfortable.
I hiked to Mainstreet, then up to the water tower, over to
the hospital and back down into the valley via the hospital
trail.
The sun had set before I got to mainstreet, but unlike in the
South, it takes well over an hour to get dark here. As I came
down the trail from the hospital, the sky is the West was
bright white gold to yellow and fading into navy blue above.
Boring, very boring, compared to the sky in the North-Northwest.
There we had ripples of hundreds of shades of pink and purple,
getting darker toward the top, and the town below already dark
with street lights and windows lit.
I was wishing I had brought my camera, but even more wished
I was not the only one seeing it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
--- Sir Winston Churchill
I respect faith,
but doubt is what gets you an education.
--- Wilson Mizner
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and
reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead
husband - asking her to send him a carton of cigarettes. "The only
thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I
can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring
this up, but. . . did he mention anything about including matches
in the package?"
The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman.
"Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while
you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my
feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?"
"I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller
than the other.'"
"The job is yours."
Click through for the big picture.
This was the sky in the east at 7:00 am yesterday.
Where I stood, it was still pitch dark, and the picture had to be
a long exposure. That is why the wind shaking the leaves
made the trees fuzzy, and the clouds too.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Albert Metz Jr., 67 in CASPER, Wyo
2 DUIs in one night
A 67-year-old Wyoming man managed to get two DUIs in one night,
the Casper Star-Tribune reports. Albert Metz Jr. posted his bond and
was released about 2 hours after the first arrest - the county
has always allowed it - then got pulled over again for blowing
a stop sign about 25 minutes later (right outside the jail).
His blood-alcohol level had dipped from .087 to .061, but was
still over the state limit.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Joyce
Re: Bounced mail comes back
Dear Webby...
Re: bad return addresses
Dear Webby,
I love my "MailWasher Pro" but lately I have been getting
some of my bounced mail back again from their server
saying that the return address has a fatal error.
Well, we both know that it is just the spammers way
of trying to get around my "MailWasher Pro", What
I want to know: is there a way of not getting all these
mail delivery failed notices, a setting that I don't
have working for me or something?
Thank you for your great humor newsletter, it's so
informative that I can't wait to read the next one.
PS. I also enjoy the humor,
Joyce
Dear Joyce
Personally I don't waste time bouncing any more. All the return
addresses on spam are forged anyway.
You can turn off bouncing in Mailwasher by going to
TOOLS, Email Accounts, BOUNCING.
Once you turn that off, your mail delivery failed notices should
stop You can still turn that on again, if the preview shows
a message from your mother-in-law announcing a visit.
It's easy enough making filters for known senders and send
regular spam to the trash without showing it, and only show
in the.preview list what you actually want to preview.
Have you played with the filters yet ?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten'
rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the
other party." After discussing the subject at great length,
the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man "My Wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Cotton from Bottle Packaging
I am now saving the cotton that is packaged in vitamin and
other bottles. These small pieces found at the top of the bottle
can be used as cotton balls for removing nail polish or other
similar applications.
By Theresa from East Kingston, NH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his
younger sister or brother, Paul finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry
softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Belinda was complaining about her husband spending
all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So Bob ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go. Belinda watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's a nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how
you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," replied the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"
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Friday, September 23, 2011, 07:56 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 23
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
You may have heard bits and pieces about the shopping bag war
between the glib Algorian profiteers and the conventional bag
industry.
Because too many people did NOT fall for the BS, the reusable bag
company known as ChicoBag did what any good environmental
alarmist would do: they lied.
When they got too far fetched with their lies, ChicoBag got sued
and lost, but not until after some towns in California had been
"persuaded", (note, I did not quite say "bribed"), into forbidding
the use of regular disposable shopping bags,
which have a 390 times smaller "Carbon Footprint" than the
dirt and bacteria hoarding and multiplying Chico Bags.
Subscriber Martin sent me a link to a site, that untangles
the Shopping bag mess
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Don't find fault, find a remedy.
--- Henry Ford
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several
people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but
he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became
desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you
don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to
quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you
should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me
that you can't preach!"
Thanks to Anna for this one:
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with
magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and
"mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell
bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his
hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud
smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge
so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact,
I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Angela DeHart, 23 in Beaver, WV
Woman Stole Hearse With Corpse In Back
SEPTEMBER 21
The West Virginia woman, 23, is facing a pair of felony
charges for stealing a hearse containing a body and driving
home in it early yesterday.
According to police, the hearse--parked outside the Ritchie
and Johnson Funeral Home in Beckley--was swiped shortly
after midnight on Tuesday. The driver, cops reported, had
briefly left the hearse unattended--with its door open--while
he entered the funeral home, presumably to get help with
unloading the corpse.
The driver, Kenneth Bly, “pulled into the parking lot…in order
to unload a corpse” from the 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood hearse,
according to a court affidavit. As Bly walked toward the funeral
home’s entrance, he spotted DeHart, who “jumped into the vehicle.”
Cops noted that, “Bly witnessed the defendant’s actions and
yelled ‘Hey!’” DeHart, seen in the above mug shot, then
“accelerated from the parking lot.”
The hearse was recovered several hours later in the vicinity of
DeHart’s home in the nearby borough of Beaver. A witness had
called cops to report that a “very emotional” DeHart “had just
pulled up to his residence…and that the defendant had been
operating a black hearse.”
The corpse, which had been laying inside a gurney in the hearse,
“had been moved by some means and was laying on its side,”
reported Detective Jamie Blume. The deceased was an
85-year-old woman.
When officers confronted DeHart early yesterday at her home,
she reportedly confessed to stealing the hearse. DeHart, who
celebrated her birthday Monday, told investigators that she had
engaged in a verbal argument with her wife/girlfriend and exited
the vehicle in which they were traveling early Tuesday morning.
As she began walking, DeHart said she “observed the hearse
running next to the funeral parlor. She admitted that, after taking
the car, she drove it to Beaver” and contacted a friend seeking
advice as to what she should do with the stolen wheels.
Charged with grand larceny and displacement of a dead body,
both felonies, DeHart was booked into jail this afternoon. She is
being held in lieu of $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Scotty
Re: ALT key does not work
Dear Webby...
I tried punchin on alt on my keyboard and nuthin'
happened. As you can see, I am not a PC whiz
Scotty
Dear Scotty
Try this:
Hold down the ALT key, and without letting go,
hit one of the keys, that are underlined in top or pull-down
menus, for example F.
For an easy example, to save a file as a new file do this:
ALT (hold down, don't let go)
F ( File )
let go of both ALT and F
A (save As)
type in the new file name
ENTER
That's all there is to it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping
address of their customers to make them fit on the printed
labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently
was not amused when the label on their box displayed,
"Ass Of God Church".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tent Plants in Plastic Wrap When On Vacation
I have many houseplants and I have found an excellent way
to keep them from drying out when we go on vacation. Water
plants first, then tent smaller house plants with plastic wrap.
I have several large potted plants that cannot be tented. I cover
the base of the plant at dirt level with the plastic wrap.
When I return from vacation, my plants are still happy and
don't even need to be watered. This was a remarkable discovery
for me. I no longer have to have someone come in during the
week to water them. If you want to make sure my tip works,
try it on one of your houseplants a few weeks before your
vacation.
By Jo from Riverside, RI
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Myrtle was traveling North from Miami on I-95 when she
spotted a hitchiker. He was pretty good-looking, so she
decided she'd pick him up.
They started the usual chit-chat, and she turned on the charm.
Things were going well and she thought sure he'd ask her
on a date soon, but then somehow he let it slip that he was a
convict on the run.
"What were you in prison for?" she asked.
"I murdered my wife and children," he cooly responded.
Without a moment's hesitation, she added hopefully,
"oh, so you're single...?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of
Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and
stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly,
he noticed a huge animal walk by.
"Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.
His Canadian friend looked out and said,
"Oh, that's a moose."
"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yore cats aroond
here?"
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Colored backgrounds in email
Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:24 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 22
Thanks to Verna for this picture:
It is amazing how wacky some people's ideas about Equinox are.
One nutty Flat-Earther even claimed that at Equinox both poles
see the sun all day. He obviously has never been in the arctic
or the antarctic, and has been smoking too much of the wrong
kind of stuff.
Equinox literally means Equal Night. Ignore the sappy drivel
of the bozos, who are trying to tell you that is not so, and that
for the Flat-Earthers it has nothing to do with equal night,
but where the sun is.
Yeah, sure, the sun is up there.
In the temperate zones around that time of year we have
Equal Night and Day. That is why it has been called
Equi Nox for a few thousand years.
After Equinox the days are shorter than the night in the northern
hemisphere, and longer than the night in the southern hemisphere.
I spent 30 years in the arctic. Up there, where you have no
sun at all in midwinter and really appreciate every minute
more sun, that you get in spring, and dread every minute less
that you get in fall, Equinox is quite important.
Spring Equinox is a VERY cheerful party time.
Fall Equinox is not cheerful at all in the arctic. It is time to
get ready for the long and dark winter, get the firewood,
winter tires, check the tire chains, snow blower, etc.,
tilt the solar panels up, rig the water pump for winter,
and so on. And yearn for Spring Equinox.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.
Truth isn't.
--- Mark Twain
Milkman Notes
These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll
notice a slight, endearing British ambience to them.
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
"Cancel one pint after the day after today."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the
birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house
but two sons on the dole."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had
a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket
for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and
a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window
and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to
turn the mattress.
"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last
nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me
what happened over a cup of tea."
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do
it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a
baby two months old and did not know about it until
a neighbour told me."
"Please send me details about cheap milk as I am
stagnant."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and
Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get
money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen
table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."
"When you leave the milk please put the coal on the
boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen
door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the
couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at
the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't
you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the
tickets on it."
Thanks to Guinn for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Juan Aguirre, 21, Salina, Kansas
Kansas is fighting back!
History's Most Pathetic Burglary Of A Sex Shop
Kansas used to be the Bonehead state of the US,
but lately Florida has been dominating the stage.
In a remarkably botched (and embarrassing) burglary, a Kansas
man yesterday broke into a sex shop and stole six X-rated movies.
Well, actually, Juan Aguirre is accused of pilfering six empty DVD
cases. The 21-year-old apparently was unaware that the cases
he pinched were for display, and devoid of the corresponding discs.
According to the Salina Police Department, Aguirre early yesterday
shattered the front door glass at Cirilla’s, causing $500 in damages.
During a canvass of the area after the break-in, cops questioned
Aguirre, who was spotted riding a bicycle in the vicinity of the sex
shop.
A search of the suspect’s backpack turned up the DVD cases and
a sledgehammer head, that was attached to a rope. In a sad epilogue
to the burglary, investigators valued the recovered five DVD cases at
less than $5 apiece, according to a Salina Police Department report.
Charged with burglary, criminal damage to property, and theft, Aguirre
is being held in the Saline County jail in lieu of $6000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Helen
Re: Colored background in email
Dear Webby,
Asking for your genius once again. Is there an easy way to
create emails with a light colored background?
Thanks!
Helen
Dear Helen
With Outlook there is no easy way to do that. The default
backgrounds are hard "fist on the eye" colors like you see
with some spam.
It's better if you work with background textures
(outlook message window ->
format ->
background ->
picture -> put your own)
There are lots of sites on the web where you can get
good backgrounds.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop
before a giant puddle covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to
cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the
man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to
roll his window down to swim out of his car back to
the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the
farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive
through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only comes up chest-high on my little ducklings there!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making Quick Curtains With Sheets
When I have a sheet that is too nice to use in dog kennels,
I make it into a double sided small window curtain. If you
have a smaller window in your home, garage, or office,
this idea would be perfect since you don't need a large
amount of material.
By Sarah from MN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner
on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself
and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back
home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot,
my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs
to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you
having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears,
"I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing
machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping,
and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble
around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed
to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.
"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up
the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby
and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to
fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do
everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and
tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Isn't this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this
mean you're not coming over?"
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Disconnect router to stop abuse
Wednesday, September 21, 2011, 10:12 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 21
Thank you Jim!
Have a look where the sun rises and where it sets today and
in the next two days. Those directions are precisely East
and West. In case you ever set up a sun dial, you will
need to know those directions. The astronomer's theoretical
equinox is not until the 23rd, but the farmers say it is on
the 21st, and that after the 21st the nights are longer than
the days.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more
thoroughly than the one who's giving it."
--- Hal Chadwick
From Kathy:
For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at
the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport.
As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife
asked, "Are they good seats?"
"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You
will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com-
panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a
turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind
us did the same thing."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Police and the City of South Pasadena, California
Fined for good deed
SOUTH PASADENA (CBS) — We’ve all heard the saying:
no good deed goes unpunished . . . and that’s exactly what
happened to a South Pasadena resident who was issued a
ticket by police for his charitable act.
When a major traffic light in the area went out again Thursday
morning, Alan Ehrlich took matters into his own hands, directing
traffic at Fair Oaks and Huntington avenues.
“I grabbed a bright orange shirt that I have and a couple of
orange safety flags. I took it upon myself to help get motorists
through that intersection faster,” said Ehrlich.
Before Ehrlich stepped in, traffic was backed up for more than
a mile and it took more than 30 minutes to get through the busy
intersection.
Ehrlich said the Sept. 8 incident wasn’t the first and that the
light goes out regularly.
“It was just kind of chaos of cars . . . there were stop signs up.
But people were challenging each other to get through the
intersection,” said Richard Gerrish who works at an office located
at the intersection.
Gerrish said Ehrlich cleared up the mess in 10 minutes.
After 15 minutes, South Pasadena police say they finally responded
to the scene and told Ehrlich to stop and issued him a ticket, but never
stepped into direct traffic themselves.
“I don’t know if this ticket is $50 or $400 dollars. It’s a small price to
pay for the greater good,” Ehrlich said.
South Pasadena Police Chief Joe Payne said he did not have the
man power needed to staff officers at Fair Oaks and Huntington
Thursday and that is safer to allow traffic to back up.
“We have limited resources . . . we need to prioritize them. One
of the major intersections out at rush hour in our city should be
a priority,” Ehrlich added.
He already has plans to address the matter at an upcoming city
council meeting.
Police and the city of South Pasadena say they currently have
no plans to change any procedures.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Disconnect router to stop abuse
re WiFi safety:
shutting ones computer down will not stop the hijacking of
wi-fi you need to shut off the ROUTER or MODEM. If you
just shut off your computer your wi-fi still works because
your computer is a separate entity to the actual wi-fi network.
Dianne
Thanks Dianne!
Yes, if you use a wireless router and set it up without
passwords, then other people within range can indeed use
it, and even give you a bad name.
If you don't password your network, turn your router or
modem off, when you are not using it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly
zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME
up in one of those things."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peel Banana from the Bottom Up
If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of
from the top down, you won't have those annoying
stringy things from the peeling.
By ashleybunkin from WV
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Census Bureau marked Unmarried
and Single Americans Week by revealing 43.6 percent of U.S. adults
over 18 were unmarried in 2010, including those who have been
divorced or widowed -- at the time of the census.
The figures stated 61 percent of those who were unmarried had
never been married while 23.8 percent were divorced and
14.4 percent were widowed.
The Census Bureau said there were 88 unmarried U.S. men for
every 100 unmarried U.S. women at the time of last year's census.
They predict, that playing hard to get is going to go out of
fashion in the very near future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Carolyn for this story:
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida
to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The
representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and
an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired
vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that
everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up
when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need
a rental car?"
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Careful if you have a Smartphone!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011, 09:44 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 20
From Alexa
another good substitute for a tripod is a wheat bag..you can
make them as big or small as you want or need and you don't
have to worry about using "food" inside them or the zip lock
bag breaking.
If you make an extra cover for your wheat bag you can even
wash it when the need arises. I make them and use them as
tripod substitute and as hot and cold packs..way safer than hot
water bottles in your bed or on your lap.
I just buy budget wheat from the pet food store to use and any
old cotton material I have lying around
Alexa
Yes, wheat will definitely work!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Once the game is over, the King and the pawn
go back into the same box.
--- Italian Proverb
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy,
but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
--- Bill Vaughan
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
--- Oscar Wilde
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due
to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the
gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in
the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots
forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the
hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them
to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to
pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he
had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and
appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a
simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said,
"Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"
Angus has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave
and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and
falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat
on his face again.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he
reaches the bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This
time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him
shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J
Extra Sugar
Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J. was arrested and charged
with prostitution after police say she took breaks to provide sex in
exchange for money at a local Dunkin Donuts.
"She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.),
supposedly a very good one," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann,
who led the team of 16 investigators, said
Police say the worker had a system of servicing men during her
overnight shift at the restaurant. It took a SIX month investigation,
surveillance involving various officers and a sting operation, but
eventually they got her, arrested her and hauled her off in
handcuffs.
There was never any sex at Dunkin Donutes, but there may have
been some in the parking lot or a short drive away from there.
It took a lot of time and a lot of officers, but New Jersey's
biggest criminal is not selling donuts any more!
Night time sales of donuts have increased drastically since the
news of the big bust.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Smartphone pictures pose security risk
Smartphone pictures pose security risk
Dianne
Thanks Dianne!
Smartphone users should watch that and adjust their
settings accordingly!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a
patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb. When the
driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to
the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog
have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. He's half blind
so I always do the driving these days."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peel Banana from the Bottom Up
If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of
from the top down, you won't have those annoying
stringy things from the peeling.
By ashleybunkin from WV
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was
ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's
edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied
it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought
they could fool me with that old gag!"
It was then he realized we'd loosened the drainpipe beneath the
sink and turned the first "U" part so that it was aimed at his crotch.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Summer break was over and the teacher was asking the
class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and
asked what he had done.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to visit an aunt Ohio, O, H, I, O."
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You Know It's Time to Diet When...
Monday, September 19, 2011, 05:22 PM -
Posted by Administrator
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
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Monday, September 19, 2011, 09:23 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 19
From John:
tell Amy the sate of Florida raises our share on Boneheads.
So, Dear Webby, who raises the most Boneheads? You
decide How do you distinguish between the dummies and
the real real dummies.
thanks
I read Webby first, that give me the strength to to the NEWS
john
Dear John
It may seem that Florida has more boneheads than other
states, but part of that is because a lot of people retire to
Florida, and so there are a lot of people with time to report
boneheads.
For a wile, I used to get frequent reports from Russia, but
they clamped down on that. China, on the other hand,
is relaxing a bit. Speaking of "the other hand", have a look at
Other hand
England also is a steady provider of boneheads, and so is
California. They are all over, but whether we hear about
them depends on the quality of reporting in those areas.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
--- Abraham Lincoln
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
--- Voltaire
Donna sent this on:
After being laid off, I papered the town with my resume. Days
passed, and I hadn't received a single phone call. I decided to
take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his
real estate office.
I quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine.
At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common
real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while
deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four
days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's
mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the error
we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct
as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until
yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Alicia Ducharme, 48 in Volusia County, Florida
Salad Attack
OAK HILL, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested
a woman who admitted to dumping a cucumber salad over
the head of her boyfriend's one-legged father.
The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called
to the home of Michael Dyer at about 4 p.m. Tuesday by his son,
Daron Dyer, who reported a domestic disturbance, the Orlando
Sentinel reported Friday.
Deputies said Alicia Ducharme, 48, Daron Dyer's girlfriend,
had argued with Michael Dyer, who accused her of stealing
food and money from him, before she dumped the salad on
his head.
Michael Dyer's left leg is amputated at the knee and he uses
an electric scooter to get around.
Deputies said Ducharme told them she was "guilty" and
instructed them to arrest her, but she resisted when they
attempted to handcuff her.
Ducharme said Dyer had punched her in the face before
the salad dump, but deputies found no evidence of injuries.
Ducharme was charged with felony counts of abuse of an
elderly or disabled person and resisting arrest without
violence.
Daron Dyer, the son, said he and Alicia will move out of
his father's house and go back to trucking.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Friz
Re: Substitute for tripod
From Friz
Dear Webby,
I forgot my tripod at home, but I have to as usual make all
the pictures at the family gathering. What's a quick and
cheap fix? I absolutely need something to help me beacuse
I know I am too jittery to take candle light shots by hand
without the ugly flash. I do have a remote release.
Friz
Dear Friz
No Panic. Just get a sturdy zip-lock plastic bag, fill it two
thirds full with sugar or salt or flour. Set it onto a saucer and
place the camera onto the bag. Wiggle it a bit so it sits well.
You can put that saucer onto any piece of furniture, or even
onto a stepladder. The camera will be rock-solid and the
pictures even sharper than when you use your tripod.
For permanent use you can cut six to 8 inches off an old
leather jacket and glue or stitch that together as a cover for
your zip-lock bag.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas
shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and
returned to her. Looking in her purse, she
commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now
there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last
time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any
change for a reward."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them
missed their old home. One day, when they went to pick up their
first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a
conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to
Christmas Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to
have a Hanukkah celebration."
And your son chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going
to have a barbecue."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
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Internet Explorer can't open pages
Sunday, September 18, 2011, 10:22 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 18
Thanks to Amy:
CORRECTION: The two idiots from your "Bonehead" story are
from Upper Darby, PENNSYLVANIA. I'm ashamed to say that
we grow 'em pretty dumb in PA!
Amy
OOOPS!
The story was all over the British sites, and none would admit
what state they are in. That, the writing style, and the
obsession about the boneheads being Lebanese, led me to
jump to the wrong confusion. Thanks for the correction!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased;
sometimes it gets replaced."
--- John Peers
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
--- Walter Lippman
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with
a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long
years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon
went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is
dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about
your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. However, there's
a new denomination down the road, no telling what they
believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
As he was leaving, Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do
you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "STOP! Stop! Stop!
Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the
Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature
in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities
and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my
young daughter has begun violin lessons."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Joshua Seto, 27, in Chandler, AZ
Shot his own penis
Police say the man and his girlfriend had been on their way
to the store at about 7:30 p.m. when the woman pulled her
pink .380 caliber, semi-automatic Taurus, specially made to
promote breast cancer awareness, from her purse.
Seto took the gun and jammed into his waistband, where it
went off.
The bullet struck Seto's penis, then entered and exited his
left thigh, according to a police report.
The couple didn't immediately drive to a hospital, instead
walking to a bench at the parking lot. Someone else prompted
the man's girlfriend, Cara Christopher, to call 911, Favazzo says.
"He's still conscious, there's just a lot of blood," Christopher told
dispatchers, who then instructed her to apply pressure to the
wound with a cloth. "It looks pretty bad."
Seto was treated at a local hospital, but police had no update on
his condition as of Thursday morning, and urge everybody to
use proper holsters and not treat guns like the rubber decoys
used by TV thugs. Actors are cute, but usually not smart
enough to be allowed near real guns.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shonda
Re: Internet Explorer can't open pages
Dear Webby,
I need help with Internet Explorer.
Internet Explorer can't open web pages. I have to
keep trying untill I can get online.Can you help me?
Thank you
Shonda
Dear Shonda
Internet Explorer is just a browser.
It requires, that you are connected to the Internet.
If you are not, it tries to call whatever you use for connecting
and wake it up, but that is no guarantee, that you will be
connected immediately.
You will have to contact your ISP and get them to figure out,
why you are not properly connected to them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher
of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he
drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the
church,
"How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw,
that ran on water."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What is AOL?"
"It's an organization set up to give Internetters someone to make
ethnic jokes about and be prejudiced about and hopefully
ease off on Mac users."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake...."
The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has
never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us
who work in the court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was
testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings
the woman addressed the judge as "Honey."
Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said,
"That's Judge Honey."
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Saturday, September 17, 2011, 06:09 PM -
Posted by Administrator
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble
and they will remember you ...when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
but then again neither does milk.
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Saturday, September 17, 2011, 04:56 PM -
Posted by Administrator
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, soon after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by three.
Q: The more pregnant I get,
the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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How to turn off automatic mail checking
Saturday, September 17, 2011, 08:24 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 17
We will be having a Chinook. There was a definite arch.
When we have a Chinook, when the storm tops the Rockies,
it splits. Half of it follows the mountains down into the foothills,
the other half continues on up high.
That provides a 50 Mile wide clear band of sky.
The part that follows the mountains down into the foothills picks
up moisture and dries the hay and grain, and rebounds straight
up. Where it mixes with the cold air at high altitude, it froms a
150 mile long arch of clouds.
The glider pilots of course love that. They use that "elevator"
to get up high, and then ride the wave on top to get up so high,
that they need oxygen. One quick tow to get started and then
they have fun all day.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself."
--- Josh Billings
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically
into three major categories:
those that don't work,
those that break down and
those that get lost.
--- Russell Baker
Lately, during a during a violent house-shaking blizzard, my
neighbor was tucking her small boy into bed. As she was
about to turn off the light he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
She smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a good religious home,
but I want to stay with you guys instead.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the
7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby, England
Would have been 30 burglaries, but they encountered a lion
By Mari A. Schaefer
A pair of lesbian lovers have admitted to burglarizing 29
homes but passed up one house where they encountered
a lion, police said.
Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from
the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby have been
arrested, according to police who expect to charge them with
the crimes when their initial investigation is completed.
They are currently being held on unrelated charges, according
to court documents.
Police are continuing to check the home that reportedly
held the lion. "If we find a lion it will be a bigger story than this,"
said Michael J. Chitwood, superintendent of police.
Apparently, using a cat to deter burglars is highly illegal in
England.
The majority of thefts happened during daylight hours. The
pair entered the homes through unlocked first floor windows.
After they looted the houses, they either walked or took public
transportation home, said Chitwood.
All of the homes were ransacked. In one burglary the pair left
with a 55-inch flat screen television and lugged it back to their
apartment.
Chitwood dubbed them the "Thelma and Louise bandits" and
said they were lovers.
"They just enjoyed stealing," said Chitwood. "They used people's
homes as their own private shopping center."
The burglaries occurred in the Cardington, Stonehurst and
Bywood sections of the township and Lansdowne Borough.
A burglary also occurred in Prospect Park Borough.
The women allegedly stole iPods, jewelry, toys, electronics,
sneakers, makeup, purses, toiletries, household items, and
about $23,000 in cash - not including Euros, Pesos, Lire and
other foreign currency.
Police also recovered a hookah pipe and marijuana but, do
not expect the original owners to claim those items.
-------------
Apparently Lebanese burglar teams are rare in England and
especially newsworthy. All their papers seem to make a big fuss
about that. And if a real lion is found, the owner will of
course get sued for inflicting emotional distress on the poor
innocent burglars.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Frank
Re: How to turn off automatic mail checking
Webby
Once again I need your advice and counsel...
I run Mailwasher and Eudora and since yesterday my mail is
going directly to Eudora.
Yes, the icon for Mailwasher is blinking but the mail is already
delivered. It use to be Mailwasher would notify me and I'd wash
mail then go to Eudora and check mail for it to be downloaded.
What has occurred an how do I go back to the way it was?
This AM there was a mail from Nigeria and I did not have the
chance to mark it as SPAM.
Thanks once again.
Frank
Dear Frank
In Eudora, hit TOO:LS
OPTIONS
and in the second panel, CHECKING MAIL
put a 0 into the slot for how frequently it should check mail.
That will again make it a manual check,
AFTER running MailWasher, or by hitting F6 in MailWasher.
By the way, blacklisting doesn't really work. Those assholes
never forge the same sending address twice in a row. Just
look for what is common amongst them, and make a filter.
Yeah, creating a filter sounds technical, but it is really easy.
You just mouse them together.
After you have made one or two, it becomes a game.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Finding one of her students making faces at the others
on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to
reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said,
"Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like
that."
Bobby looked up and replied, aghast:
"And you did it anyway!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his
face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother
asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"
Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a
question."
"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.
"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
That reminds me....
The wall clock in our philosophy lecture hall was about as old
as the professor and had a very interesting trait. If it was hit
with an eraser, it jumped ahead a couple of minutes.
Naturally, that special feature was abused on a regular basis
to shorten the philosophy lectures.
The professor seemed to be in his own little world and
appeared not to notice.
Then came the semester exam.
After everybody had picked up their copy of the exam booklet
and settled down to do some serious cheating the professor
walked around, collected all the erasors and sat at an empty
spot near the front, and proceeded to throw erasers at the
wall clock.
For some reason that caused the cheat sheets to rustle a lot
more nervously than usual.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a
woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was
standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man
stated, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000
if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to
the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims
back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud,
where's my 'grand'?"
"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and
says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"
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Friday, September 16, 2011, 07:43 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thanks Debora!
The London rioters:
Nobody is surprised about those numbers, and the way they
turned the riots in Libya into a NATO bomber supported
revolution, they bought themselves a lot of bad karma, that
is going to come around and bite them in the butt.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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To invent, you need a good imagination
and a pile of junk.
--- Thomas A. Edison
-----------------
I agree 100%. Fencing in the village dumps hurt progress
more than the stopping of the moon exploration program.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would
like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to
feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
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Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table
when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was
on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother
noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at
Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan.
"Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Connie L. Sumlin, 45, and Gail Trula Johnson, 58 in
Erwin, TN
Stole art from Arby's
You may expect to hear about art theft from the Louvre or the
Guggenheim or the Museum of Modern Art, but Arby’s?
Two women from Erwin were charged Tuesday with stealing
$1,200 worth of art work from a Johnson City Arby’s restaurant.
According to Johnson City police, Connie L. Sumlin, 45, 114
Masters St., and Gail Trula Johnson, 58, Parsley St., both of
Erwin, were accused of stealing art from the lobby area of Arby’s,
1909 South Roan St., on Sept. 3.
On Sept. 7, police said Arby’s store manager Susan Kennedy,
43, notified police that two women, who were later identified as
Sumlin and Johnson, were caught on the store’s surveillance
camera stealing both a picture of pears in a wooden frame and
a piece of metal wall art that had recently been purchased
during remodeling of the restaurant.
According to the police report, the surveillance footage showed
both women stopping in the lobby to look at the art on the wall.
One of the women removed both items and carried them inside,
while the other woman entered the store and purchased some
food before leaving.
Sumlin and Johnson were later identified using the video
surveillance and the transaction information from the food
purchase.
Both women were charged with theft over $500. They were
being held in the Washington County Detention Center on
$1,000 bonds.
Sumlin and Johnson were scheduled to appear in Washington
County Sessions Court Wednesday.
Arbys usually ploughs some of their profits back into the
community by buying locally produced art and salad,
when available.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Nita
Re: No spam at Hughes
Dear Webby,
Good Morning Webby,
When I was on dial-up I received tons of spam every day. I
have recently gotten Hughes.net and have not received any
spam. My neighbor who has had Hughes for years does not
get spam either. Do you have any idea where it is going?
Thanks a lot for all your help over the years.
Nita
Dear Nita
Hughes is very concerned about file transfers, since they
have only a very limited amount available on the satellite.
So they are weeding out spam VERY diligently.
It also helps, that you retired the old address and got a
new one, that the spammers don't know yet,
and that now you are a lot more carful about where you
use your address, than you used to be, when you were new.
I would recommend, that you get a gmail address on the side.
It is just as reliable, but you can easily dump it and replace it
with another disposable "shopping address".
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Three patients in a psychiatric institution prepare for an
examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients
pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five
more years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the empty swimming
pool, and asks the first patient to jump in.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks
both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why you
didn't jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Bird Feeder Suet
This tip is for all you birdwatchers out there! This past
summer I decided to start making my own suet. I make
up a batch every month and store it in the freezer until
I need it. Since it's warm out, I only use a small cylinder
shaped wire feeder so the bigger birds can't get on it.
I have had so much fun watching the baby woodpeckers
feed on this and they really seem to like it better than the
store bought kind. Of course, in the colder months, I will
use bigger cages so all can enjoy. I use all generic
products, so it's not as expensive to make.
By Robbie from IN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few
minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me,
what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved
and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you
said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would
drop dead! We want to see how you do that."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was
covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do
you do for a living?"
He said, "I'm a former window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Oh, about halfway down."
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything
okay with your car now?"
Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that
the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars
worth of blinker fluid and a muffler alignment."
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Most powerful spam filter
Thursday, September 15, 2011, 07:22 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 14
Summer was back this afternoon. Somehow I feel a lot more
energetic in shorts and a short sleeve shirt.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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People who say they sleep like a baby,
usually don't have one.
--- Leo J. Burke
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
--- Wilson Mizner
A man was going to attend a costume party dressed in a
costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted
into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter
through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve
caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came
closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church
for 20 years, but really, when you look at all the gossiping I've
done, you'll see that I've really been on your side all the time."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
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From Carol:
Dear Webby
Once upon a time, long, long ago, you had a joke about a
granny and the Hawaian Good Luck Sign. Can you PLEASE,
pretty please, dig that out and print it again ?
I got show it to proof that I am not nuts.
Thank you sooo much!
Carol
No problem, Carol!
Here it is:
The Letter from Gramma:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and
started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even
honked my own horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because
I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the
back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson
burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the
joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved
to all my sisters and brothers, grinning of course, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the
car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Peter Quill, 45, San Juan Capistrano, California
Can't handle generator noise
SANTA ANA (CBS) — A San Juan Capistrano bonehead is behind
bars after assaulting his neighbor with a flashlight over an
allegedly noisy generator during a blackout, that left
thousands of local homes without power.
Peter Quill, 45, is accused of hitting his neighbor, Anthony
Morales, over the head with a flashlight after complaining
about the loud hum of a generator he was using during the
widespread power outage, authorities said.
Neighbors say Morales is a Los Angeles firefighter.
Quill reportedly confronted Morales shortly before 11 p.m.
on Thursday and demanded that he turn off the generator
due to the excessive noise, said Orange County Sheriff’s
Department spokesman Jim Amormino.
When Morales refused repeated demands, Quill then
allegedly returned to Morales’ home with a flashlight and
attempted to turn off the generator himself, said Amormino.
Morales was hospitalized with lacerations and a possible
concussion, said Amormino.
Many residents and businesses in Orange County used gas
generators to power their homes overnight during the outage
that lasted through early Friday morning, according to officials.
Quill was booked into Men’s Central Jail on charges of assault
with a deadly weapon, Amormino said. He is being held on
$25,000 bail.
Usually the real cause of fights over emergency generators
is not over their noise, but caused by envy and the inability
to donate power from the generator to neighbors, who spent
their money on other things. Generators usually make less
noise than a lawn mower and are not a big deal, though it
can get rather noisy if every house in a circle has one
running.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Brig
Re: Most powerful filter
Dear Webby,
I know you are a wiz at making filters in Mailwasher.
What is your most powerful filter, and can we have it, please?
Brig
Dear Brig
I checked the cute pie chart in Mailwasher, and my "Boundary"
filter does just a hair over 20% of all the filters together.
Here it is:
If the entire header contains
="----=_
or
----------bound--
then mark the message as mail to be deleted, automatically.
Considering how many filters I have, 20% is a huge chunk
of the 4000 - 5000 pieces of mail sent towards me every day.
Looking at that pie chart in Mailwasher can really cheer me up!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new
parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon-
strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby
like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said
anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges
I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to
some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch
it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was
having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought
a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working
just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are
much less expensive than the quilting clips.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country.
She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his
animals.
"Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly
tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage
with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed
down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by
putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow
in and that stops 'em cold."
Judi nodded.
The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even
grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns,
ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Myrna for this:
Diet is something most of us do religiously.
We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
Thanks to Leo for this:
My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking
30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the
attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind
quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered,
"We take the rocks out of our pockets."
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Forward just selected text
Wednesday, September 14, 2011, 10:14 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 14
Thank you Millie!
Summer has gone into hiding. It cooled off to 7 degrees
above freezing and I decided to wear long pants and a jacket
for my evening walk, the first time since spring. Without a
wind, I'd tough it out, but today I ruled on the side of comfort.
The wind is supposed to calm down a bit tomorrow, and we'll
see the sun again. I am not putting the summer shorts away
just yet!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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If I had to live my life again,
I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
--- Tallulah Bankhead
There are more fools in the world than there are people.
--- Heinrich Heine
The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation
who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?"
"Yes" said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift.
I throw money around like it is growing on trees."
"Very well" said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for
our brother...just as soon as the collection plate has
been passed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Rev Jesse's church moved to the empty warehouse beside a
liquor store and topless bar, because their old church could
not hold all the faithful.
The liquor store and especially the topless bar were a real
thorn in Rev Jesse's side, especially because some members
had the annoying habit of sneaking out during the sermon
and coming back rather inebriated, AFTER the collection
plates had been hauled around by the deacons.
He called the bar evil and a work of the devil and really got
some steam up one day, when a nearby storm cut the power
and the lights went out. Well, like any proper church, they
had enough candles for the deacons and a few other good
donors.
Rev Jesse lambasted the bar and called for the Good Lord to
smite it and burn it to the ground. Just then some very close
and very noisy lightning caused somebody to flinch and set the
Reverend's wife's wig on fire. The wig got tossed, but
unfortunately it landed in the wardrobes at the side entrance
and set everything there on fire.
Eventually, they got the fire almost under control, but not until
it had spread to the adjoining bar.
To make a long story short, the bar burned to the ground.
Naturally, Rev Jesse claimed the credit for that for himself
and the Good Lord, and was not in the least bit shy telling
everybody about how he and the Gold Lord had defeated
the evil bar next door.
Just as naturally, when the bar owner sued the church for
damages, Rev Jesse reversed his rethoric and insisted,
that it was not a miracle, just an accident.
The matter went to court and quite amused the judge.
"So, here we have a sinner, who claims the Good Lord
accomplished a miracle, and a preacher, who claims that
the Good Lord can't do that."
Since the fire had started in the church, just seconds after
Rev Jesse had called upon the Good Lord to smite the evil
bar, the judge sided with the sinner and ordered the church
to pay for rebuilding the bar.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, in Hialeah, Florida
Big Sucker
SEPTEMBER 8--Driving a minivan outfitted with a generator-powered
vacuum system, a Florida man yesterday surreptitiously siphoned
250 gallons of gasoline from a Citgo outlet before the station’s owner
became suspicious and called cops.
When Broward County sheriff’s deputies arrived at the Oakland Park
gas station, they arrested Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, on a felony grand
theft charge.
A search of Banos’s Dodge Grand Caravan revealed that the vehicle’s
rear seats were removed and replaced with three huge plastic tanks
and a generator used to power the illegal siphoning system. One of the
plastic drums held 255 gallons of diesel fuel, valued at $1019.75,
according to a sheriff's report.
Banos allegedly parked the van above a compartment leading to the
underground vaults storing the Citgo station’s fuel supplies. He then
somehow dropped hoses into the reservoir and began sucking up
the gasoline into the van’s plastic tanks.
When Broward County Sheriff’s Office deputies discovered the
large amount of gasoline inside the van, a hazardous materials
team was called to the station to remove the diesel fuel.
After being booked on the grand theft charge, Banos was freed
from custody after posting $1000 bond. It is unclear what the
unemployed Hialeah resident planned to do with the stolen gas.
The tanks look like two 100 gallon and one 250 gallon tank. If he
had not been interrupted and had filled all tanks, that would have
been about 1700 kg (3750 lb) of fuel.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: Forward just part of a mail
Dear Webby,
You know when someone forwards a cute email with grapics,
it usually has a 1,000 other names before you. How does one
get rid of the prior name lists and still keep the grapics?
I would like to forward it without all the previous names. It is not
a photo type, it's when you have a short verse and then an object
or person that moves and then another verse and so on.
Thanks, Bob
Dear Bob
With Eudora I would highlight the part that I want to forward,
hit Forward, put in the destination address, and hit Send.
I don't know how the other 657 email programs do it, but
the same trick might work OK in many of them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to
Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So
what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to
be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble
locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in southern Argentina."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges
I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to
some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch
it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was
having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought
a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working
just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are
much less expensive than the quilting clips.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bill was noted for his tact. One night he was awakened at four
am by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate
voice. Bill thanked the caller, told him he would check it out and
politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, Bills called back his neighbor
told him:
"Sir, I don't have a dog."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.
As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst
was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were
getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know
tonight, just wave."
A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a
restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the
wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a
fly in it.
* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.
* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.
* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.
* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.
* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.
* The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then
demanded to have new wine.
* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.
* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine,
which he then donated to the Englishman.
* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65
million dollar compensation for mental suffering.
* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared:
'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'
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Log program with calculator
Tuesday, September 13, 2011, 08:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 13
Thank you Frank!
I had to laugh about the anti-nuclear fanatics getting all
hysterical about the furnace explosion at Centraco in France.
There isn't even a nuclear reactor at that site, they just
do waste processing, like burning used gloves and coveralls
and tools and ladders.
Sure, that stuff has radioactivity, that is measurable with
today's instruments, but nowhere near as serious as say the
big green dots on Grampa's Big Ben alarm clock.
Somebody apparently had thrown something into the to be
burned waste, that caused an explosion. They don't know
yet, whether it was a thermos full of coffee or wine, and
don't really expect to find out for sure.
All they know is that it had nothing to do with radioactivity
or nuclear action, just that a waste treatment oven blew up.
That, of course did not stop the hysterical fanatics all over
Europe from trying to incite panic and demanding, that
nuclear powerplants be shut down.
France is the leading country in nuclear power generation,
followed by South Korea.
Even though France has a lot of hydro project potential in
the French Alps, the anti development propagandists have
made those pretty well impossible.
While they were busy getting hysterical against hydro projects,
nuclear power plants became so common in France, that it is
difficult to make them appear scary. 70% of the electricity in
France is from nuclear power plants.
Most of the hysteria is in the countries surrounding France,
and the waste treatment oven accident is not likely to cause
any changes in France.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"When a woman tries on clothing from her closet
that feels tight, she will assume she has
gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has
shrunk."
--- Socratex
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable, except that they will always
be scheming to make you feel guilty.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody and forget all training,
when they are unhappy..
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house or yard.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but have selective hearing when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they stalk off and pout.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you pet them every day.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They can be trained.
Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Hachem Gomez, 19, Mt prospect, Ill
Burglar found cooking inside restaurant
MOUNT PROSPECT, Ill., Sept. 11 (UPI) -- Police arrested a
Mount Prospect, Ill., man who allegedly broke into a restaurant
and made himself a meal.
Police say an alarm went off at Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount
Prospect early Saturday morning, and when police arrived,
they found Hachem Gomez making a meal.
Video surveillance of Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect
allegedly shows Hachem Gomez, 19, entering the restaurant
early Saturday by breaking into the drive-through window, the
Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported.
Assistant State's Attorney Robin Murphy said the video also
shows Gomez damaging a cash register before stealing fries
and chicken tenders from a freezer and cooking them in
a microwave.
There was no indication that Gomez was drunk or under the
influence of drugs at the time of the burglary and the man has
no criminal background, Murphy said.
Gomez's bond was set at $5,000 and he is scheduled to
appear in court on Sept. 21.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Mick
Re: log program that has a calculator
Dear Webby
What is a good daily log program that has a calculator
built in ?
Mick
Dear Mick
Just use your favorite spreadsheet, Quattro, Calc, Excel,
Lotus, etc. Even Google's online spreadsheet works fine
for simple stuff.
If you are not familiar with spreadsheets, don't panic. They
are so easy now that any kid can learn them by just playing
a bit. And they all have good help built in.
You will be amazed how easy they are, and how versatile.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the
chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People
actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes?
What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Chill Counter Before Rolling Out Cookie Dough
To cool down the counter top when rolling out pastry and
cookies or when making candy, chill it with ice packs.
You can make your own by filling gallon-size freezer
bags halfway with water. Force out as much air as possible,
seal, and place them in the freezer on a cookie sheet.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside
the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a
very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat
with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to
him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on
the dirty work and get the job done."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
In 1643 it was illegal to cook a mince pie or Christmas pudding
in the New England and New Haven colonies. The Puritans
banned any Christmas celebrations that did not take place in
a church.
Now people there gather at the mall and few of them have
ever been in a church.
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell
you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great
person."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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Spreadsheet not adding up right
Monday, September 12, 2011, 08:18 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 12
Re 9/11:
From Argentina: When I turned the TV on and saw the planes
flying straight into the towers, I was numbed with shock. A friend
came home during the afternoon, and we sat and gaped at the
screen, tears rolling down our faces, commenting now'n'then
on something that seemed more relevant than the rest.
We could talk of nothing else for a long time!
Manin
I was frantically getting work done and at the same time
preparing to fly to Tennessee the next day, on the 12th.
Then the radio interrupted the music and reported a passenger
plane flying into the WTC. While I was trying to hear details,
all phones and the fax got noisy, and over a dozen Skype
messages popped. This was REAL!
There was no doubt at all, before I even had a chance to
listen to any of the callers. Then people called and told me
about a hockey player and some guys going to storm the cockpit
of Flight 93, and shortly afterward, how they had brought it
down short of where the terrorists had planned to use it.
That was a spark of hope.
My flight scheduled for the next day was of course canceled
by the air line. Nothing was flying on the 12th or the 13th,
and everything was messed up for the 14th. When planes flew
again, it was quite obvious, that the world had changed.
I was the first off the plane and into the empty and echoing
terminal in Nashville. No crowds, no sound except my footsteps
and my breathing. It was eerie!
At the exit, there were the first two people I saw in Tennessee,
two soldiers in full combat gear, with machine guns at the ready.
I realized, there was not going to be a return to "as before 9/11".
We are coping, but just like Pearl Harbor changed the world,
so did 9/11.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into
believing in government and business.
--- Tom Robbins
The capacity to care is the thing which
gives life its deepest meaning and significance.
--- Pablo Casals
Porridge:
Budget conscious parent will tell you that it is a
traditional, nutritious, lovingly prepared hot cereal
breakfast dish.
Kids will tell you that the name is an amalgamation of
the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any
interest in his paintings that are on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replies.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about
your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought
all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the
bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Tanks to Sandie for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Steven K. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha
From ankle bracelet to handcuffs
Turns out a court-monitored ankle bracelet is not proper
attire for an armed robbery.
Apparently Steven K. Tubbs didn't get the memo.
His fashion faux pas led to his arrest in connection with an
Omaha home invasion where, prosecutors allege, Tubbs pointed
a shotgun at a young couple who were sleeping with their
infant son.
Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha
were arrested Tuesday, the day after the robbery near 106th
and Blondo Streets.
Prosecutor Mike Jensen said a parole officer heard the
description of the men involved and thought one might be a
parolee of the officer's.
When the officer checked information on Tubbs' court-ordered
ankle monitor, it showed him at the couple's address about the
time the robbery was committed.
Tubbs was charged with two counts of robbery, use of a
weapon to commit a felony and possession of a weapon by
a prohibited person. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail.
Tubbs was on parole after serving nearly two years in prison
for attempted robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and
terroristic threats.
Mason was charged with two counts of robbery and ordered held
on $250,000 bail.
Among the items taken from the home was an American Express
credit card that was used shortly after the robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: BF
Re: Spreadsheet not adding up right
Dear Webby
When adding up columns in an old spreadsheet, I get weird
results. Also, I notice that some of the numbers are not
lined up the same way as the others. How can I fix that ?
BF
Dear BF
Some of those numbers are not real numbers but just text.
If there was a space in front or the back when it was pasted,
then the spreadsheet treated it as text.
Just highlight the cell and retype the number
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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According to statistics, last year over 17 million
American families paid a lot of money for things that
looked funny and didn't work.
Seven million of these were antiques;
The rest were college students.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Mayonnaise for Hair Conditioner
Mayonnaise makes a very good hair conditioner at an affordable
price. For shiny, silky hair, rinse with vinegar. Don't worry, the
smell disappears! To strip conditioner build-up off hair, use
Dawn dish soap. This works very well.
Source: My sister-in-law who is a beautician.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Keep in mind that commercial mayonaise has a very rude PH,
(high, acidic) on purpose, so that nothing can grow in it, and so
that even old and stale sandwiches are safe. That is not going to
make your hair fall out, but it can really mess up any PH related
scheme you got going. If you are paying for a shampoo, that is
claimed to lower or raise the PH of your hair, don't negate
that with Mayonaise!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill had been called
to their companys head office in New York for a pep talk and
party.
As they staggered out of the party, Bill started crossing the
street, while Gary accidently stumbled into a subway
entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to
notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Bill slurred.
"I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train
set that guy has in his basement..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr.
Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers
like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,"
admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and
always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers
like you. The problem is, I have two hundred on the
deadbeat list."
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because
our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed
to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths
shut,
and don't pout when I yell at them."
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Sunday, September 11, 2011, 09:53 PM
Posted by Administrator
JAZZ - Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC - Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.
RAP - People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: - Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC - OK as long as it's not the house next door.
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Sunday, September 11, 2011, 09:02 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 11
What did YOU do ten years ago today?
How did it affect you?
Let me know!
I will make space for the most remarkable reports.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"Blessed are the forgetful: for they
get the better even of their blunders."
--- Nietzsche
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the
church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her
baptismal certificate.
We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy
well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I
told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the
name of the baby's father."
Tanks to Lillemor for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
Don't know its name. The flower heads get huge,which usually
are crawling with bees. In the off season state the plants look like
tiny little brussel sprouts on the soil.
Lillemor
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19 in Prescott, AZ
Walmart employees rob their store
PHOENIX (Reuters) - Two Walmart employees robbed an Arizona
store where they worked, stealing $45,000, and planned to buy a
car and fund a sex change operation with the proceeds, police
said on Wednesday.
Police in Prescott, around 80 miles northwest of Phoenix, arrested
Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19, on Friday. They
were accused of stealing over $45,000 in cash from the Walmart
store in Prescott.
"Cullen told detectives that ... her motive for stealing the
money was to go forward with a sex change operation
that she had wanted," Prescott police spokesman Lt. Andy
Reinhardt told Reuters by telephone.
"I don't believe that she had made arrangements at that point,
but I do believe that she had already started the process
(to become a man)," he added.
Reinhardt said video surveillance showed that Altiveros
distracted cashiers so Cullen could let herself into the
locked cash office using a key.
After the burglary, Cullen gave the cash to Altiveros, who
then used $22,000 to buy a Toyota Supra car from a private
seller in the Phoenix area.
The two suspects were being held in custody. Reinhardt said
that all but 31 cents of the stolen money had been recovered.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Beth
Re: Ad Blocker
Dear Webby,
I got sick and tired of all the banners and ads on all the web
pages and installed an ad blocker program. I never buy
anything off the net anyway.That has noticeably improved
getting TO the sites I want to go to, but many of them
don't work any more. I also noticed that many of those sites
now require that I sign in with my email address, and others
bounce me to very rude and vulgar pages.
I pay for my Internet access and have a right to browse to
where I want to, without being insulted or kicked out. Where
can I complain about that?
Beth
Dear Beth
First, you don't have any more right to browse to wherever
you want to, than you have a right to go to a football stadium
or concert for free, just because you paid for your shoes.
The sites put a lot of time and work and money into their effort
to present what they do, and are trying to recover some of that
money by showing ads. If you block those ads, they consider
you a useless parasite, who is trying to steal from them,
because they have to pay for the file transfer costs that YOU
incur for them.
If you don't like being treated with the same lack of respect
that fence crawlers get at the football stadium, then maybe you
should remove those programs that declare to the world that
you are trying to be a useless parasite.
If you don't buy through the net, you are not contributing to
the cost of operating the net, and
YOUR opinion does not count on the net.
It might be time to grow up and realize that you CAN become
a respected citizen of the net, and not just be seen as an
expensive parasite on the outside the fence.
There are thousands of excellent deals availbale on the net,
and categorically saying that you never buy through the net,
that brands you as too dumb to be on the net.
You most definitely don't get any respect that way.
Time to open your eyes and see what a wonderful world
we have up here.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Bob and his wife were driving down a country lane on their
way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in
the road and the car became bogged down.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves,
they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple
in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
Bob readily accepted and minutes later the car was free.
Bob looked at the muddy tracks around the puddle and
remarked that a lot of cars must be getting stuck there.
"You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud
today, the farmer said"
Bob looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the
farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land?
You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put
the water in the hole. My wife does the farm work with the
tractor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Clean Fireplace with Vinegar
Remove fireplace soot and grime with undiluted white
distilled vinegar. Use a brush to scrub then blot the
wetness and dirt off with a towel.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a
luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former
high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old
hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and
said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you
doing these days?"
"I'm into politics," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother.
She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and
headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got
a sore butt, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you
sober up."
The CIA lost track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one
of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy
and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located
him, tell him the code words,
'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.'
If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a pub in Dublin.
He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking
for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific
because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.
There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next
block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local
savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the
stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code
words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for
mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy.
He lives right down the street, but he usually doesn't come in
here till around 8 PM."
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Safe place for printer ink
Saturday, September 10, 2011, 08:19 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 10
Texas school caves in to ACLU,
changes policy on Pledge of Allegiance
The Examiner
Not my place to comment on that.
Dimitris from Atlantic Inkjet.com leaked me some interesting news:
Coming soon... ink you can eat! Also known as edible ink,
this is a new product being developed by Atlantic Inkjet and
soon to be released. Why would anyone want to use edible ink?
For digital prints onto cakes, cupcakes etc. Now you can print
your favorite photos onto edible paper (using edible ink) and
then place the prints onto your cake! Edible paper applies onto
frosting, so the final product looks like you have printed directly
onto your cake! Atlantic inkjet is making their edible ink available
inside edible ink cartridges that are compatible and easily refillable.
I'll let you know, when the edible ink and edible paper is ready.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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There are painters who transform the sun into
a yellow spot, but there are others who,
thanks to their art and intelligence,
transform a yellow spot into the sun.
--- Pablo Picasso
I am not young enough to know everything.
--- Oscar Wilde
On their first date together, Sandie appeared in the door in a
strapless gown which simply defied gravity.
"That's amazing," he told her, admiring her . . . uhh, gown.
"I don't see what's holding that dress up!"
She smiled and replied, "Play your cards right and you will."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye
surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,"
she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure
you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,"
he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was
not mine, but a different one that's cheap-looking and ugly!"
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your
cataract operation was a success."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Philip Conran, 44 in Hartford, Connecticut
Probation for fake orgy ad
HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut man has been sentenced to
probation for posting a bogus ad about an orgy at the house
of a neighbor with whom he had been feuding.
Court records show 44-year-old Philip Conran pleaded guilty
to risk of injury to a child last week in Hartford Superior Court.
He has been sentenced to three years of probation and 200
hours of community service. He also has been ordered to pay
for the West Hartford neighbor's house alarm system.
Police say Conran posted the Craigslist ad in April 2010 and
that several strangers knocked on the neighbor's door. One
man went to the wrong home, groped a teenage girl and was
arrested.
Conran's attorney, Michael Georgetti, says his client regrets
his actions.
--------------------------------
Not quite a bonehead award, but funny anyway:
Distracted
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Siegfried
Re: Safe place for printer ink
Dear Webby,
What is a safe place to buy inkjet cartridges from ?
I found out the hard way that what they sell at Staples are
what seems to be genuine counterfeit cartridges. They look
like the real and official ones, but perform worse than the
no-name-brands, especially when you try to refill them.
What now?
Siegfried
Dear Siegfried
Whenever the cartridges wear out, we get replacements from
Atlantic Inkjet .com.
Their cartridges are of consistent and predictable quality
and we can count on being able to refill them half a dozen
or more times. When you buy the initial kit with the syringes
and accessories, you even get the little rubber plugs that
some cartridges need.
I am quite happy with them and feel good about
recommending them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.
They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his
wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
,
"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic,
I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Free Coffee Grounds for Your Garden at Starbucks
Used coffee grounds are a great, free fertilizer in your
garden. Roses and acid-loving plants love it. Starbucks
will give them to you for free!
By lindal from Vista, CA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Used coffee grounds are not really a
fertilizer. They provide totally neutral mulch and bulk for
hydroponic projects, and may eventually compost to something
useful. The useful stuff has been destroyed to achieve that
trademark burned dishwater flavor, and all kinds of artificial
flavorings have been added. Whether that stuff is good for
your garden and your health is a matter of finding out the
hard way.
Grounds from your own, regular, unflavored coffee are
OK and help build moisture retaining mass, and when used
as pot topping, sometimes discourage weed seeds from
germinating.
The best use of coffee grounds is in the compost, same as
any kitchen waste.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At
the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have
it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South
Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with
fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on
fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated
all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a
retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said.
"Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except
one man.
"Why aren't you praying?" the minister asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle,
taking an offering.
Thanks to Ann for this:
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed.
"Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
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Friday, September 9, 2011, 09:41 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 9
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
I got out of having to mow the lawn all of August, but decided
to mow it now, before the first leaves fall. A short lawn does
not trap them and lets the wind blow them on further down
the road.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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Economics is extremely useful as a form of
employment for economists.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
"It's not so much how busy you are,
but why you are busy.
The bee is praised.
The mosquito is swatted."
--- Mary O'Connor
"Happiness is a way station between
to little and too much."
--- Channing Pollock
A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked
in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped
up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock
over a lamp and chew on the cushions.
The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't
you think you should train your dog a little better?"
"My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought she was your dog!
She was sitting on your door mat, when I drove up."
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
A young boy, about five years old, was at the corner
"Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box
of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my cat."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your cat. It's very
powerful and if you wash your cat in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his cat.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy
some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his cat was
doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the cat died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that detergent on your cat."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the
detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
As I suspected, yesterday's picture of a whale and a dentist,
was a composite. It was too good, though, not to share it.
Click through for the big picture.
Looks like on the lower McKenzie, except I remember a LOT
more mosquitos!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Justin Caine, 23, and Ryan Williams, 24 in Niceville, FL
Dope on the shirt
NICEVILLE — An officer who stopped a vehicle for a minor
traffic violation ended up arresting two men for felonies.
Justin Caine, 23, was driving in a 2003 Chevrolet Impala when
the officer stopped him for a broken tag light, according to the
Niceville Police Department arrest report.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he smelled marijuana
and called another officer with a police dog for backup.
After the second officer arrived, they walked up to the vehicle
and saw “a piece of a green leafy substance on the driver’s shirt,”
the report stated.
At that point, they arrested Caine and found additional marijuana
inside his right front pocket. In all, he had 28 grams of marijuana.
Possession of more than 20 grams is considered a felony under
Florida law.
Caine’s passenger, Ryan Williams, 24, said he knew that Caine
had the marijuana and had smoked some with him.
Both were charged with possession of a controlled substance
without a prescription.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Chrome or FireFox?
Dear Webby,
Which browser is best chrome or firefox? You are a very good computer whizz and I value your suggestions. Love the newsletter and really like all the computer hints along with everything else.
Have a very wonderful evening
Shirley
Dear Shirley
FireFox is fast, and quite predictable. If you want a browser,
that is fast and predictable, and just want to get work done
instead of marveling at what they have done to browsers,
then FireFox 6.01 is your best choice.
Chrome works, is very fast, but has a few rough edges.
It is probably best suited for people, who like experimenting
a bit and who don't mind, if some of the functions are not
quite the way they expect them.
Internet Explorer is not in the top three any more. It has
been pushed to #4 by Maxthon.
Maxthon, which started as a Chinese clone of Internet Explorer,
is tops for all the new touch screen devices coming out of
China. It faster and more predictable than IE, even though
some of it's error screens still say Internet Explorer. If you
want the look and feel of IE, but more speed and reliability,
then get Maxthon3.
Internet Explorer, in fourth place, is slow and not always
predictable, but it comes pre-installed with Windows, so a
lot of people are familiar with it.
Mac Safari (there is a Windows version) is a great browser
for reading eBooks. It has the best font rendering and makes
reading easy on the eyes. For anything else, it is not in the
same league as FireFox or Chrome, no matter what the Mac
fanatics say, but it is definitely worth it's space on your machine
for reading eBooks and long texts.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Bob has been playing golf for years, and he has the finest
equipment, but his technique has never improved a bit. As his
friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a
new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
Bob replied: "Where do you buy old balls?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grow Morning Glory Around Dog Kennel
I tossed Morning Glory seeds all around the dog kennel in
hopes it would provide a nice shade cover for summer,
and it sure did. It looked nice too.
By freedombelle2001 from Bellevue, NE
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing
all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but
finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and
cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
"The Creation Story As Told By The Cat"
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth
to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that
the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to
keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to
scoop the litterbox.
My brother was a chaplain in a university residence hall. He
was supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include
a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted him.
The freshmen in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for
him by calling the kitten "the Book,"
One morning as he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a
beer case, a student stopped him and asked,
"Where are you taking the Book?"
He exlained that he was taking the kitten to the vet.
"She's getting neutered today," he told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
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