Font color tricks 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, October 8


When they can't figure it out, they will just make up a 
new name.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. The third marriage is the triumph of senility. --- Socratex
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Sure, mighty oyster wrestler. Try that twelve foot 'gator behind you!"
The Ultimate Guide To Pasword Recovery And Management Learn how to immediately recover passwords from most applications and website accounts, as well as Windows accounts. Also includes tips for effective account management to never again lose a single password. This is not a tool, that just works one, but solid knowledge in a book, that you keep. Get and keep the Ultimate Guide To Pasword Recovery And Management

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kraig Stockard, 54, of Delhi, California Burglars turn victim in for child porn DELHI, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities in California said a pair of admitted burglars were not arrested after turning in child pornography allegedly belonging to their victim. Deputy Tom McKenzie of the Merced County Sheriff's Department said a 19-year-old and a juvenile broke into a Delhi barn belonging to Kraig Stockard Sept. 12 and took 50 CD-Rs they believed to be blank, KTXL-TV, Sacramento, reported Thursday. However, when the burglars attempted to burn music onto the CD-Rs, they allegedly discovered more than 30 of them were filled with child pornography, the report said. "[A] family member convinced the two suspects to come forward; they contacted law enforcement," McKenzie said. He said Stockard had reported the burglary. "I'm kind of surprised that he wanted to draw attention to himself, knowing what was taken," the deputy said. Investigators seized three desktop computers and three laptops from Stockard's property. Deputies said he is believed to have been allegedly downloading child pornography since 2004. Stockard was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography. He was released after posting $25,000 bail. The burglars were not arrested. "We did not actually go out and arrest the suspects for the burglary. They were obviously the lesser of two evils," McKenzie said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dani Re: Wrong font color Hi Webby, For those who are unable to read the fonts due to dark on dark color, they can also highlite it and it will appear light in color. Dani Dear Dani Right, you can also use that trick of quickly wiping he mouse over the bottom left corner of a page, to see hidden counters and whatever else the webmaster may have hidden there. CTRL A selects (highlights) the entire page. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thyanks to Brenda for this story: I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!!!!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spray Bottle With Diluted Dish Soap To save on dish soap, fill a spray bottle one-quarter full of soap and top it off with water, give the mixture a good shake to mix well, and close the bottle. Spraying this on dishes cuts grease and saves a little money. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ I have used that trick with industrial citrus based cleaner for many years. The same spray also works great on soft and shiny vinyl floors. I spray the section in front of me with one hand and swing a string mop dampened with hot water with the other hand as I back up. After using that method since I got the current flooring ten year ago, it is as shiny as on day one. By the way, I use the same type of spray bottle, but painted yellow, and filled with a thin olive oil, instead of the outrageously overpriced cooking spray. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move when he's not on it."

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Fake YouTube emails 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, October 7
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

There was a nasty and wet north-wind blowing, when I went for
my evening walk, so I wore my good old cowboy hat. It kept 
most of the horizontal rain and spray off my glasses, but didn't
do anything for my ears. If the weather doesn't improve
soon, I'll be digging out my Calgary Flames hoodie.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Ruthie a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Ruthie was at school, he disappeared again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Ruthie, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Ruthie came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage."
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A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'. He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese." No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right? Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me a second one."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: Click through for the big picture. Last-ride-at-the-landing-for-2011
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Patrick John McKeen, 48, Cape Coral, Florida Cape man charged with DUI while riding bicycle Responding to a traffic crash on Southeast 15th Ave on Sunday, Cape Coral police found a man lying on his side, with his face down, straddling a bicycle and holding an open can of beer. He was conscious, but onlookers did not want to move him, according to a police report. When he was asked what happened, Patrick John McKeen, 48, told police he was riding his bicycle home from a bar while drinking a beer and fell over. After failing field sobriety exercises, McKeen was placed under arrest for DUI, an uncommon charge for someone riding a bike in the Cape. He declined a breath test but told police he would likely blow a .35 because he is an alcoholic, but that he had not spilled his beer and was just resting.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick Re: Fake mail from YouTube Dear Webby From Rick Dear Webby I have received a few emails now, claiming to be from YouTube, some about my video having been deleted, -even though I don't have any videos-, some about "personalizing my YouTube experience". Somehow I suspect, that those emails are phony, and I have not clicked on the links in them. What's the story? And how can I tell for sure? Rick Dear Rick They are as phony as a xeroxed Three Dollar bill. If you get MailWasher, it will show you the actual addresses and links, not just what the scammers are trying to fake. And it marks that stuff for deleting. That way, if you don't watch it and just hit PROCESS, it will automatically delete that crap right on the server, without downloading it to your computer. If you don't get MailWasher, just be extra careful, and be aware, that the scammers have your address. They will soon try other tricks. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night? Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear. Wife : What? At 2 a.m.? Husband : Yes. We used nightclubs.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Garden Tags from Aluminum Roof Flashing You can make garden tags out of leftover aluminum roof flashing (the kind on a roll). I took a simple tag design that I drew, printed it out on heavy paper, and cut it out. I took that template and a sharpie and traced that design onto the flashing metal multiple times. I cut it out with regular scissors, then punched a small hole with a hole punch for a place to hang them. The garden tags can be decorated by embossing if you like, simply etch the name of the plant you are identifying with a sharp tool. By jason0475 from Collegeville, PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, have sent My Son to Israel."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

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Difficult to read font colors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, October 6

On my evening walk today I noticed, that Halloween is 
sneaking up on us. 

There was light rain falling, so I started out with a jacket,
but going up the road to the water tower got too warm, 
and took it off. It isgetting dark a lot earlier, but as 
long as I am moving briskly, it is not too cold.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. --- Nancy Astor Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Interviewer: Congratulations on winning the lottery. Farmer: Thank you. Interviewer: Do you have any special plans for spending the money? Farmer: Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming 'til it's gone.
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A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain, but usually unsuccessful, attempt to do that with the aid of a golf club."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Tyrone McCoy, 18, of Melbourne, FL Robber returns to scene, gets arrested West Melbourne police officials say a robber was arrested Monday night after he returned to the scene to reclaim the wallet he had stolen from a teenager, then stashed nearby with the handgun he used in the crime. John Tyrone McCoy, 18, of Melbourne faces one misdemeanor count of petty theft and a felony count of robbery with a firearm. The West Melbourne Police Department said McCoy hid the items in a frantic dash from responding police officers and returned 15 minutes after the officers had slowed their search for a suspect. “It’s pretty common for a criminal to return to the scene,” said Cmdr. Steve Wilkinson, a spokesman for the West Melbourne Police Department. “But we had no idea he was going to come back and retrieve the items from his hiding place.” Around 8:05 p.m., a young man approached a 17-year-old boy at West Melbourne Community Park and forced him to the ground with a black handgun, the police said. The robber stole the boy’s wallet as the victim lay on the ground. “The victim felt like he was going to be shot,” Wilkinson said. “That was the robber’s intent: to make him believe that.” The robber left on a bicycle, which also was stolen. Responding officers set up a perimeter around the park at 3000 Minton Road. But they came up empty. It wasn’t until about 15 minutes after the police broke down the perimeter that an officer spotted a suspicious vehicle. Wilkinson said that before the robber fled, he hid the stolen wallet and his black handgun near the baseball field bleachers at Minton Road and Flanagan Avenue. But this time, the man was in a car with two women. “The officers saw a car with lights on, and there shouldn’t be anyone there because the park was closed,” Wilkinson said. “They broke down the perimeter, but they didn’t give up looking for this suspect.” Wilkinson said McCoy was found with the wallet and the black pistol, which proved to be a BB gun. The victim positively identified McCoy as the suspect, the commander added. The armed robbery charge McCoy was arrested on is a first-degree felony punishable by life in prison. He was held this morning at the Brevard County Detention Center and is due for an initial court appearance this afternoon. Detectives wouldn’t rule out that the robbery was a setup and that the other people inside the car were involved.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Remy Re: Unreadable font colors Dear Webby From Remy Dear Webby With halloween approaching, a lot of web sites are using a black or midnight-blue page background. That makes their normally navy colored text unreadable. How can anybody be that stupid ? And how can I read their text anyway? Remy Dear Remy Most likely you have your browser set to use YOUR color choices for text and for links. Click in your browser on TOOLS Internet Options Accessibility In there take off the checkmarks. That allows the browser to use the text and link colors specified by the webmaster of the site that you are visiting. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Chuck filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," Chuck thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put Lotion on Hands Before Using Super Glue Apply lotion to your skin before using super glue. It will peel off easily if you get any on you. By Roxy from St. Louis, MO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I graduated from a private school that I didn't like much. Once I was outta there, I had no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive or future athletic events. Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my current number and tracked me down. 'So, what have you been doing with yourself?' the perky alumnus asked. I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Same as at college, just stealing cars, and running moonshine." They've never called back.

» Prairie Pups







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When text is too large 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, October 5

Thank you Ivan!

From Maureen

Dear Webby
My 5 year old son Thor is just starting to read,
and he saw that Limerick at the bottom of your newsletter,
while I was talking with some visiting friends.

The thunder god went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor," he cried.
The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Naturally, he spotted his name from a distance and had
to go and read it. When he read it aloud, we all cracked
up and nearly bust a gut. He didn't quite get it, but he sure
relished the reaction he got, and quoted it to anybody and 
everybody, who would stand still long enough, for the rest
of the day. I'm sure he will remember that for the rest of
his life!
Maureen

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. --- Ernest Benn The higher the buildings, the lower the morals. --- Noel Coward
And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action," asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing. "All through our marriage my wife was less than reasonably responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table." "Why? What happened?" "She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I will be having a headache all weekend.'" --------------- Abstinence makes the heart go wander.
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The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for a snowstorm!"
Tanks to Betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Maykel Calafet Calderon, 28, and Manuel I. Telles, 38, both Cuban natives living in Miami Owner tracks stolen boat 2,500 miles away JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- The owner of a powerboat stolen in Florida was 2,500 miles away in Nevada but was still able to tell police where the stolen craft was headed, authorities said. A Global Positioning System device on the 32-foot, $260,000 boat told the owner through his cellphone, that the craft, stolen Wednesday in Jacksonville, Fla., was being hauled north on Interstate 95 in Brevard County, Florida Today reported. With help from a police helicopter, deputies located the stolen Ford F-250 towing the 2009 Yellowfin Yachts Center Console and arrested two men, after they exited the interstate. Maykel Calafet Calderon, 28, and Manuel I. Telles, 38, both Cuban natives living in Miami, were arrested on charges of theft. "The owner giving us updates was by far the thing that assisted us the most," Todd Holland of the Brevard County Sheriff's Office said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ed Re: Text too large Dear Webby The text is so big it fills my screen twice! How can I reduce it to human size? Thanx, Ed Dear Ed Hold down the CTRL key and scroll the mouse wheel. In one direction it increases the ZOOM, in the other it decreases it. Just find a comfortable setting. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Here is an annual favorite. You have to read it out loud! "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in cue. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hide Important Numbers in Cell Phone Contacts With so many numbers to remember, here's a great way to keep it simple. If you have a number that is difficult to remember: a pin number, lock combination or ID number, hide it on your phone! Make an entry in your cell phone's contact list for a made-up name. (Make sure you won't confuse it with someone else!) Turn the number into a phone number. Place it at the front, middle or end of the number, put it in backwards or make it only every other number for extra security. Log it as your "friend's" number. This way, you'll have it at hand without giving it away. Even if your phone is lost or stolen, no one will know your secret. Don't have a cell? Use the same trick to add the number to your address book! By Anda from Knoxville, TN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Bea for this one: On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!" My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're simply a lazy old fart." "Thank you for your candor," said the man. "Now give me the latin term, so that I have something to tell my wife!"

» Young @ Heart Thrills







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How long to learn HTML 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, October 4

If you are using McAfee and Firefox, don't use the 
"Site Advisor" option. It will cause FireFox to crash two to
three times per day. By now you probably know yourself 
already, which sites are safe and which ones aren't.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. --- Bertrand Russell Never have children, only grandchildren. --- Gore Vidal
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
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When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter she had written: PS. Dear Sue, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" Without hesitation, his father said, "Oh, less than half of them." Click through for the big picture. For those, who asked for a picture o those falls from a bit farther back: Aboe the falls, where I took this picture, are a few, very nice cedar benches, with bronze plaques commemorating the people, in whose memory the benches were placed there. I always stop, and even if I don't sit on a bench, I mentally greet the person, whose name is on the plaque. Sunday I climbed on top and stood on the backrest of one of the benches, to get the angle for this particular picture. From the tree at the edge, much larger in yesterday's picture to the "beach" at the top edge of the falls, it's about 150 feet.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Meghan, 26 and Timothy, 19, Fleming in Salem, Oregon ID'd by Tattoo SALEM, Ore. - What happens when you give a homeless guy some money and then ask for it back? It gets you arrested - well at least it did in one woman's case. The whole situation went down Thursday outside a PetSmart store on Lancaster Drive N.E. in Salem. According to police, 26-year-old Meghan Fleming went shopping at the store and on her way out decided to give a few bucks to a homeless man who was outside. So far so good but police say Fleming changed her mind about handing over the cash after getting to her car. So she drove up to the man, pointed what looked like a handgun at him and demanded that he give the money back to her. A man in the car got involved as well and also demanded that the homeless guy hand his money over. The homeless man ended up giving her the money, which wasn't much (police say it was $5). He then walked into the PetSmart store and told workers there he had just been robbed. Those at the store were familiar with the woman the man said had robbed him and were able to give police her name. Fleming was arrested a short time later at her home. Police say she had her two 2-year-old twins in the car with her when the incident unfolded and they were turned over to relatives. "Meghan certainly could have asked for her money back, but that was not the case," Lt. Steve Birr with the Salem Police Department said in a news release. "She crossed the line when she pointed what looked like a firearm at him and demanded he hand over the money." The man who was in the car with Fleming - 19-year-old Timothy Fleming (her nephew) - later turned himself in to police in Turner. The 'gun' turned out to be a BB gun. Police say the victim was just out of prison and didn't want to press charges, but the District Attorney's office decided to pursue the case. Both Meghan Fleming and Timothy Fleming are charged with armed robbery and are now sitting at the Marion County Correctional Facility.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mia Re: How long to learn HTML Dear Webby how long does it normally take to learn HTML? Mia Dear Mia It takes half an hour to learn the basics from free tutorials, a month of using it to get comfortable with it, teaching it to others for half a year to get really good at it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use That Bucket of Soapy Water After you've hand-washed your vehicle, don't pour out the bucket of soapy water solution just yet-there's still a lot of cleaning power in those suds; pour it on dirty spots on your patio, carport/garage floor, picnic table, you-name-it! Scrub the dirty spots with a stiff broom, then rinse with clean water. Voila! You've gotten double duty from your bucket of detergent! By Becky http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The thunder god went for a ride, upon his favorite filly. "I'm Thor," he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

» Autumn Vistas







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Alternate speakers for the computer 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, October 3

I snuck out this morning to get some fall color pictures and
drove up to Sheep River Falls. The trick there is to be early,
not just before the crowds, but before the sun is overhead 
or behind the falls. Luckily I seem to be almost the only one
to know that. 

There sure were a lot of vehicles headed up there when I
was coming back.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." --- Alan Minter "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." --- Greg Norman
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some." "OK, if you say so!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
now you can use the GTR Money Machine

Thanks to Gran for this story: My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place. When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew the main beaker for the building.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that." "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing." Click through for the big picture. I managed to sneak out this morning and get some fall pictures.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Albert Tejeda, 31 in Casa Grande, AZ ID'd by Tattoo CASA GRANDE, Ariz. – A man was arrested after fleeing from police during a traffic stop. A Pinal County sheriff’s deputy tried to conduct a traffic stop on a 2003 Toyota vehicle for a traffic violation Monday morning in the area of First Street and Jimmie Kerr Boulevard. The driver pulled over, but as the deputy approached the vehicle, the man sped off, prompting a police pursuit outside of Casa Grande. The chase was called off when the suspect drove into a residential area and construction zone. The driver was identified based on records from the Motor Vehicle Division, that indicate the suspect has tattoos on his face. He is identified as Albert Tejeda, 31. Deputies caught up to the suspect as he was walking near Second Street and Cameron Avenue. He was carrying a duffle bag with a Samurai-style sword sticking out. Tejeda resisted arrest at first, but a K9 unit was deployed and he was taken into custody without further incident. He faces charges including felony flight from pursuing law enforcement vehicle and misconduct involving weapons. Plus, speeding in a construction zone.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trinity Re: Computer Sound Dear Webby From Trinity Re: Sound Dear Webby, My computer corner is one of those "hutch" type desk/shelves combos and I have no room for big speakers, plus I don't want to shell out the ridiculous amounts of money they want for them, when I have a perfectly good Surround-Sound music system already in the room. Is there a way to tap into the squeaker-speakers that came with the computer? Trinity Dear Trinity Yes, sure there is. Have a look at your sound system and find a socket labelled AUX in the front, or four screws or clamps labelled AUX in the back. Measure the distance between the computer and that AUX connection and get a shielded sound cable of that length with a 1/8" 3 wire plug on the computer side, and whatever size plug you need on the sound system side. Before you plug it in, turn down the volume on the computer way down so as not to blow up your sound system. Keep in mind that your sound system has a very powerful amplifier. Gradually turn up the volume. Most computer sound cards work best in the lower quarter of their volume range. Use the sound system's amplifier to get the volume you want. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dry Erase Board for Appointments We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry erase board and put it up right where we all could see it. We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for quick notes to each other. By Lazetta http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for their prescriptions at least helped me pass the time. When their meds were finally ready, they paid and walked away. The druggist stood there and shook his head. I asked, "What's with them ?" He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax and she's on Prozac."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Miss Prussy was going over mischievous Melvin Messpot's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a big fat pile of chicken sh*t."

» Octoberfest







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Copies of XP 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, October 2

Thanks to Penny for this:
Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently 
had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had 
been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several languages? 
His reply: 
"Oh no ma'am, we don't go there to talk." 


Luckily the Presidential directive of "Courageous Restraint"
only applies to regular troops and Uniformed Social Workers.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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please donate what you can!

"Without freedom to offend, there is no freedom of Speech." --- Salman Rushdie The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --- George Bernard Shaw
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting new tires for her car."
If you want to make some money on the side,
now you can use the GTR Money Machine

A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting." Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dyan Castorena, 40 Inmate fled work detail PHOENIX – The Arizona Department of Corrections is searching for an inmate who walked away from a work crew in Tolleson Friday morning. Dyan Castorena, 40, was working at the Manheim auto auction near Van Buren Street and 83rd Avenue when she took a car from the auction and drove away just after 11 a.m. She was last seen leaving the auction in a four-door silver or gray Toyota Camry driving west on Van Buren Street. Castorena is housed in the Piestewa Unit of Arizona State Prison Complex - Perryville. Arizona Department of Corrections teams from Perryville and the Lewis prison were dispatched to apprehend her. Castorena had been sentenced to 1.5 years out of Maricopa County for theft and has been in prison since July 13. It is not likely, that she will make it across the border and is facing five to ten years in maximum security, without a fresh air work release.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rob Re: Copies of XP Dear Webby I put a copy of my Windows XP onto my daughter's computer after the hard drive on it went south and had to be replaced. It does the automatic updates just as regularly as mine. There is nothing to worry about. Rob
Dear Rob Yes, you are right. Some stats program at Microsoft simply adjusted the percentage of people who run the same serial number on more than one machine. As long as it is just in the family, they usually don't make a fuss. If you were putting the same Windows serial number onto a few hundred machines in a company, then you would hear from their lawyers or the cops. However, as far as I know, the automatic updates and bug fixes work anyway even if the same serial number is on more than one machine. With Microsoft Office you have to be more careful. They can axe that, just as you are trying to save a big document, and force you to pay for it right then and there. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So, how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, he thinks I am God!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dry Erase Board for Appointments We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry erase board and put it up right where we all could see it. We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for quick notes to each other. By Lazetta http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dog to find the fire hydrant!"

» Too Cute







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Soaked Surveyor's Tripod 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, October 1

Thanks to Carole for this:

Dear Webby, heres one you might can use. keep up the good work.  
Carole

It finally is making sense !
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't 
figure this out sooner!!!! Its the shampoo I use in the shower! 
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body 
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this 
warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! 

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!! Well! I have gotten 
rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish 
soap instead. Their label reads, 
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO 
REMOVE. Problem Solved!!! 

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!!!
Your Blond friend.
Carole

I wonder how many people will now fill their bra with shampoo
while they sit in a tub of dish soap?

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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please donate what you can!

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks." --- Jack Penn Whaddya mean with that? A mistake, that is not repeated, is a stepping stone. DearWebby
When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room when my sister came down the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "Don't cry, remember you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son." "Oh, I'm not crying about that. Good Riddance! It's time you cleaned up your own mess!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
now you can use the GTR Money Machine

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to delivered the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny eventually became a certain president's chief fund raiser. Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Charles Burnett, 29, of Teaneck, N.J. Robbed same bank three days in a row New Jersey resident Charles Burnett, we think he might have got the words should and shouldn't confused. On Monday morning, he pushed his way to the front of the queue at a Manhattan bank and handed a note to the teller to say that he had a gun and wanted some cash. On paper, it sounds like a good start. On the security camera, not so much. Burnett had failed to wear any disguise but wore gloves. That morning he only made $2,258. The next morning, rather than spending his money on a trip to Mexico and a new look, Burnett decided to head back to the same bank for more. This time he made around $14,000. The bank noticed they had a fan and sent security camera images of Burnett to the police and local papers. The next day, with all the staff and local authorities familiar with his face, he returned to rob the bank again. This time he made $10,002 but didn't make it very far before he was caught. Burnett was arrested by a pair of police officers passing by the bank as he exited Wednesday. "They tackled him today just as I was coming in," said teller Danielle Stephens, 25, who was present during Tuesday's robbery. "He ran out onto Gold Street and they tackled him." "Same guy, three days in a row," Stephens said. Obviously he wanted to get caught. He didn't seem like he was all there." Burnett was charged with three counts of robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: Soaked Tripod Dear Webby What do you mean with "well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod"? Do you mean the tripod of a well soaked or drunk surveyor? Frank
Dear Frank Surveyor's tripods are usually made from ash or beech wood, and as they age, they become hard and brittle. That causes them to transmit and even amplify the micro-tremors of the earth, both natural ones and from vehicles. Soaking the tripod in a creek or in the shower softens the wood and makes it absorb those micro tremors. That makes a huge difference in the sharpness and clarity of long zoom shots. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work,"said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" asked , his co-worker. He proceeded to show...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the man hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. began walking out too. The boss asked, where was going. answered, "I'm going Home...........I can't work in the dark."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dry Erase Board for Appointments We were always forgetting appointments, so we got a dry erase board and put it up right where we all could see it. We haven't missed an appointment since. It's also good for quick notes to each other. By Lazetta http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
With tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish: 1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat). 6. Always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too. 11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should never generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement. 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."

» Art of Nature







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Don't use Digital Zoom! 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you Cindy!


Thanks to Neil for this valuable info about moving the HOME 
button on recent versions of FireFox:

To move firefox home button (or any other for that matter)
Open the Customize window via "View > Toolbars > Customize" or 
via "Firefox > Options > Toolbar Layout"
Drag the Home button from its current position at the right to the 
left end of the location bar. 

Thanks Neil!
Ignore the stuff that opens, just take that as a signal, 
that the top of the browser is unlocked, and that you can drag 
any and all stuff around.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." --- George Burns A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. --- William Blake (1757 - 1827)
A teacher caught a student in the hall during class time and said, "Jill, tell me, whose class you're cutting this time?" The young teen said, "Like, uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." The teacher smiled and said, "It's your English class, isn't it?"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A man rushed over, reassured the Yuppie that he was going to be all right and identified himself as a doctor. He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you?" The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."
Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said, "My grandfather has a wooden leg." The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a cedar chest." Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to First American Funding Co. Columbus mortgage firm hit with largest 'no call' fine in state history A Columbus residential mortgage company has been ordered to pay $144,000 to the state for violating the Wisconsin "no call" law, in what the attorney general is calling the largest judgment against a company for violating the law in state history. First American Funding Co. was sued by the state earlier this year for "massive violations" of the no-call law. The no-call law allows phone users in Wisconsin to put their phone numbers on the no-call list, supposedly prohibiting companies from making unsolicited sales calls. According to the state's complaint, First American Funding made about 3 million telephone solicitation calls in 2010, with half or more of those calls in some months going to numbers on the "no-call" list. "As this judgment shows, those who ignore the Wisconsin 'no-call' list do so at their own peril," said Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen in a press release announcing the judgment. If First American Funding violates the terms of the settlement with the state, it could face up to $750,000 in fines. More than 60 consumers filed complaints about the company with the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Herber Re: Digital Zoom Dear Webby I am not at all impressed with the Digital zoom on my camera. How high is it safe to go with it? Herber Dear Herber Don't use the digital zoom at all. It's just idiot bait that sales people use to catch people who don't have a clue about digital cameras. All the digital zoom does is increase the size of the pixels. That makes it appear almost like a zoom or an enlargement in your paint program, except it makes everything coarse and jaggy. Leave the digital zoom set at 0 or 1, get a sharp picture, and enlarge that, if necessary, in your paint program. With the real glass zoom, clarity and sharpness depend MORE on how steady the camera is than on the price of the optics. For the absolute steadiest base of a camera, use an old, soft leather purse filled with sand or bird shot. Second best is a well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod. Third best is a twenty-pound or better movie camera tripod. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Cut Flowers Last Longer To prolong the life of cut flowers in a vase, add a couple of drops of chlorine bleach. Never submerse any of the stem with leaves in the water. It adds to the decay factor. By Teresa from Vine Grove, KY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Bob for this: When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish... He really wanted a drink, but he just couldn't bring himself to buy one.

» Concrete BooBoos







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Roboform and FireFox 7 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 29

Got the results of the tests. Apparently my heart was pumping
at 38% of what it should have. That is no surprise to me. 
In that silly torture position I shut down like a tiger waiting 
for some food to come close enough.

They are going to do the walking test next week.
I wonder if they are practising or training?


Sandie asked me about the Tritium, that supposedly escaped
at the Palisades nuclear power plant in Michigan.

Tritium is a harmless isotope of hydrogen, and like hydrogen
or helium, it goes straight up. In captivity, it fires off Beta
particles, just like the green dots on gramma's alarm clock.
They go about a quarter inch in clean air, less in dirty air,
and they can not penetrate the dead outermost layer of skin.

If you were hoping for mutated mutts and purple cats, you
are out of luck. Tritium has always been around power plants,
but since it is harmless and rather useless, nobody except
reporters desperate for something to exaggerate, has paid
any attention to it. Tritium is like the Ozone generated in
light switches and breakers. Yes, sure, and so what?
It is measurable, but of absolutely no consequence.
Don't worry about it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Think you can, think you can’t; either way, you’ll be right. --- Henry Ford "There are more important things in life than money, but they won't go out with you if you're broke." --- Socratex
Thanks to Bill fro this: You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
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A girl said to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He replied, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
I overheard a couple talking while they came out of a ressaturant and discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, each of the hogs back on the farm are worth more than a tractor." Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Misael Ruiz, 31 in Salinas California Man Posing As Female Prostitute Shot By Stun Gun SALINAS, Calif. -- Monterey County sheriff's deputies said they arrested a 31-year-old Salinas man who posed as a female prostitute before getting into a fight on Highway 101. On Tuesday night, Bryan Oster offered to pay Misael Ruiz, who he believed was a woman, $60 for sexual acts, Deputy Nicholas Kennedy said. Ruiz agreed and got into the 36-year-old's 1986 Silver Nissan, authorities said. After doing the sex acts inside the Nissan, the prostitute attempted to take more than $60 from Oster while he was driving, Kennedy said. The two men broke into a fight that eventually spilled into the street. "Oster produced a Taser electric stun device and repeatedly tried to use this device on Ruiz in order to retrieve his cash," Kennedy said. While wearing women's clothing, eyebrow liner, and lipstick, Ruiz fought back by beating Oster with a large rock, deputies said. While the two men were fighting, witnesses called 911 and deputies arrived on the scene at 11:25 p.m. Both men were arrested and booked into the Monterey County Jail. Ruiz, of Pearl Street in Salinas, was charged with prostitution and Oster was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, deputies said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sue Re: RoboForm problem with FireFox 7 Dear Webby You talked me into using RoboForm many yeaars ago, and I am very glad and grateful you did. The other day FireFox updated to version 7, which is OK, except for putting the HOME icon onto the far right corner, which is usually shoved beyond the edge of the screen. What is NOT OK is that RoboForm does not work with FireFox7. What do you recommend? Going to an earlier version of FireFox? Thanks Sue Dear Sue Just go to roboform.com and download the current version, and do a really lazy install. It takes a while converting all your 6900 user names and passwords to the new format, so don't be impatient. Close down FireFox and let it do it's thing, while you go do the dishes. If you close down FireFox after starting the RoboForm Re-installation, it won't need your input, and it will be quite safe to even have breakfast. When you return, start up FireFox and it will have the familiar RoboForm bar and all your passwords will work as usual. However, if you get impatient and start FireFox before the RoboForm re-installation is completed, it won't work, and there might even be a danger, that you trash some passwords. So, do a lazy and patient installation, without messing around while it does it's thing, and it will work just fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up at six o'clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Moon Sand For "moon sand", mix 9 cups play sand (really fine sand you can find at Wal-Mart). Add 3 cups cornstarch and 2 1/4 to 2 1/2 cups water. Start with 2 1/4 cup and continue adding water until you have the desired consistency. Mix well. Cover and store in an airtight container. You may need to add a few tablespoons of water if it needs to be moistened. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man walked into a beer joint near Waco and ordered a beer. Just then President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, the stranger looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass, too," he muttered. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," says the bartender, "horse country." ------ Feel free to change the names in that joke. Originally it featured Napoleon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Ralph was an Air Force colonel. He routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize himself with their capabilities. One day he was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed him his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging." Nodding, he moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Hide the game! Brass coming your way!"

» Glass harmonica







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10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School 

Misconception Number 1:
Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.

Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's called "back to school".

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.

Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes? So I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils, erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.

Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher. I'm the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't listen to you, you can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.

How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a nickname..call him "stink butt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances" that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to "educate" him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way, brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can't multitask?

PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.

What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables. I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjunction junction what's your function" if that helps at all. And please don't even say the words "new Math" to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.

I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun", lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with. I'm sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.

I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.

Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower. Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.

We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses. But you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place."




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List picture names on CD into a file 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 28

I did all the tests at the hosital, except the six minute walk
with an escort. They chickened out. Instead of it they cranked 
the MRI bench into an uncomfortable position, and made me
stretch my arms above my head for half an hour. Apparently 
that stresses the heart the same way. A lot less fun, though.
I will find out the results tomorrow.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' --- Theodore Roosevelt The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on. --- Walter Lippman
Thanks to Sandie for this story: At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled... "Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person, who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read: "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way to avoid getting court-marshalled for stealing a ship." Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melissa Minarsich, 28 in Iowa City, Iowa Sex Bid Rebuffed, Woman Hits Man, Is Nailed By Cops SEPTEMBER 27--“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?” That’s what Melissa Minarsich said to police last night when they arrived at her Iowa City home in response to a call of a “female out of control.” As detailed by Minarsich, 28, she got into an altercation with her boyfriend “because he would not have sex with her.” An Iowa City woman is accused of ripping a door off a house and striking her boyfriend because he refused to have sex with her. Melissa B. Minarsich, 28, of 131 Taft Speedway, is charged with domestic abuse assault, second offense, after the argument at 10:24 p.m. Monday at her residence. Officers were called to the residence for a report of a female out of control. Minarsich’s boyfriend, with whom she has an 8-month-old son, said she became upset when he refused to have sex with her, according to police reports. Minarsich, who smelled strongly of alcohol and had slurred speech, admitted to police this was the case. “All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?” Minarsich asked the police. Minarsich is accused of hitting her boyfriend a few times without injury and ripping the storm door off the house. She was previously convicted of domestic assault in Iowa in 2009, according to records.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: List picture names on CD into a file Dear Webby I want the names of the pictures on some CDs listed in a file, that I can pull into a spreadsheet for sorting and finding specific pictures, without having to load all the CDs and search through each of them. I'm sure you have some trick similar to your xcopy trick. Erin Dear Erin Yes, sure. If you just want the file names, and assuming your CD is in the D: drive, use dir /b D:\ > listname1.txt then for the next CD use dir /b D:\ > listname2.txt and so on. Then you can open those text files, copy the content and paste them into a spreadsheet. Paste them into column B, and copy for example CD-1 into the cells in column A as far down as there are file names. Then do the same for the next CD file, but label each row in column A for that CD. You can even color each batch with a different background color. That way you can later sort them alphabetically, and instantly see which CD has the file you are looking for, for example, light green, CD12. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they were the: "Fast Action Response Team" ... gotta love their acronym" F.A.R.T.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Comment from Susan: I would have annotated this (yesterday's tip about using a dog-tag instead of a medical alert bracelet) by urging someone with serious medical issues to get a Medic Alert bracelet or necklace to wear on her person 24/7. EMTs are not to be looking at her car keys if they come across this person in a diabetic coma, they will be looking at her neck and wrist and taking her vital signs. If she had a car accident and her keys are in the car and she's in the road, nobody is going to rush to her car to examine her keychain. Medic Alerts carry a phone number they can call for detailed information and the item itself carries the most important information, not just "Diabetic". It's true you have to pay more for Medic Alert but if one's health is of concern it's well worth it. This tip could convey a false sense of security to people with medical issues. Susan Keep Pins in Prescription Bottle Keep straight pins in a prescription medication bottle. This keeps them out of children's hands. By kirstenenswan from Logan, UT http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A new employee is invited to the boss's house for dinner, just as a way of welcoming him into the company. After they had eaten a large meal, the new employee leans sideways on his chair and lets rip an almighty fart. The boss, with a look of disgust, turns to the man and says, "How dare you fart in front of my wife?!" The man replies, "Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize it was her turn!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Force copying without stopping due to problems 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 27

By the time you are reading this, I will be on the road to
Foothills Hospital on the far side of Calgary. They want 
to do a whole bunch of fancy testing, from MRI to injecting
me with a radioactive dye to measure exactly how much
blood my heart pumps per stroke. 

One of the tests supposedly has me instrumented for 16 EKG
measurement points and hiking the hallways of the hospital 
"for six minutes while accompanied by an escort". 
Yeah, sure.
I imagine the escort will be some old docs on an electric
golf cart, yelling at me to walk slower, but I am quite willing
to let them surprise me.

I'll tell you all about how it went tomorrow.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of them again." --- Socratex "Chance only favors a prepared mind" --- Louis Pasteur
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The patient responded, with a deliberately slurry and sleepy voice: "Don't be silly, the attack lasted only 6 hours! I just got to where I ducktaped that preacher's mouth, when it ended."
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A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her little daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you heard Mommy say." the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lawd, why in he-all did I let Dave invite all these ungwatefull smobs to dinner again!?!"
Thanks to Betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture. Red Maple among the Blue Eyed Marys
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19, in Covina, Cdalifornia Three Stooges Three Covina men are behind bars after they allegedly stole a 30-pack of Tecate beer from a market and attempted to escape but crashed a car and hit an employee who chased them, then one ran through a car wash and another left behind his ID. Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19, were arrested Wednesday on charges of robbery, assault with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest, according to a Covina police report. Kalscheuer and Fiumetto entered the Baja Ranch Market about 3 p.m. Wednesday while Huynh remained behind the wheel of a car nearby. Inside the store, Fiumetto grabbed a 30-pack of beer and the two men ran out. Employees ran after the pair into the parking lot, grabbing and detaining Kalscheuer and later turning him over to police, according to the report. Fiumetto, meanwhile, threw the beer in the car and jumped in the front passenger seat. As Huynh pulled out, an employee jumped on the hood of the car to avoid getting run over. Huynh careened through the parking lot, crashing against a curb and sending the employee onto the pavement, scraping his arms in the fall, according to the report. Huynh and Fiumetto ran off. Fiumetto climbed a fence and ran into the Citrus Car Wash next door. Pepe Pinedo, the car wash manager, was standing amid drying cars when he saw Fiumetto, pursued by two officers, run into the car wash tunnel. At the time, "there were two cars being washed in the tunnel," Pinedo said. "He got into the wash and the rollers and got all wet." "By the time, he came out of the car wash, the officer was already on the other end of the tunnel," he continued. "It was kind of funny. It was a nice show." Huynh ran off but had left his wallet and identification in the car. Police officers contacted him later and convinced him to turn himself in. All three men are expected to be arraigned in court Friday. Until then, they are being held in Covina City Jail in lieu of $50,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trudy Re: Force copying Dear Webby When I try copying my mail directory over to the machine that has the CD burner, the Windows Explorer keeps tripping up on all kinds of silly things, and of course each time aborts the copying. This is driving me absolutely nuts! Is there a way to do it from the DOS command line? Trudy Dear Trudy That problem goes back a lot further than Windows and is a bug in the copy command. Somebody forgot to put in a way to recover from an error, just list it and get on with the job. Incidentally, that is one of the major reasons DOS or Windows never got mission critical certification. Luckily around the time of DOS 2 somebody ported the UNIX xcopy command eo DOS and Microsoft later adopted it very quietly. Even though it works well, to this day there are very few people that seem to know and use it. As is common with UNIX commands, xcopy has about two dozen "switches" to make it do exactly what you want. If you want to see and print all of the options, go to the command line: START RUN cmd then type xcopy /? You might want to print out the list of switches, or write your favorite ones on a piece of tape on the monitor rim, like a lot of pros do. To copy a directory (folder) and it's subdirectories without stopping for machine specific config files, which you don't want to copy or overwrite anyway, and copy only those files which are newer on the source than the destination, copy hidden and system files, overwrite Read-Only files, not show the list of files as they scroll down the screen, and YES, dangit, copy the stuff without any silly prompts, then use these switches: xcopy source destination /S /V /C /H /Q /R /Y You don't have to be at the source or the destination for that to work. You can have that command in a text file with a .bat extension, and hae that file in your toolbox folder, or even on your desktop. Like all DOS commands, xcopy works fine in bats. You can put that line into a batchfile and make a desktop shortcut icon to it. That way you simply click on that shortcut icon and it wheelbarrows all the new or changed files in your mail directory AND it's subdirectories over to the machine with the CD burner, without any fuss whatsoever. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost much. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads. The fee for that is only $750."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

» Molten Chocolate







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True Story or Urban Legend 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, September 26


All that accomplishes for them is losing respect. 
Nobody likes the searches at the airports, and any group
trying to get exemptions on religious grounds just isolates
them. They obviously won't get their exemptions, so why
be a nuisance about it?

Until now the Sikhs had earned respect by being more
mature and civilized than other turban wearers, but events
like this will erode that respect very quickly!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol." ---Thomas Blackburn To do is to be --- Descartes To be is to do --- Voltaire Do be do be doo - --- Frank Sinatra Make love, not war --- Richard Leary Hell, do both, get married! --- Rosy
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You can gladly take her with you."
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On a high school science quiz in Florida there was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."
Thanks to Betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture. The geese are getting organized for their trip south.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marsha Munley, 37 and William Rice, 44 of Denham Springs, LA Crooks busted after they walked into Sheriff's Office DENHAM SPRINGS, LA — According to Fox 44 in Baton Rouge, a rash of vacuum thefts in Livingston Parish had the Sheriff’s Office baffled. That is until the thieves unwittingly drove themselves straight into Deputy custody. During the afternoon hours on Wednesday, Sept. 21, a deputy looked out of his office window and couldn’t believe what he saw. It was the vehicle they had been seeking in connection to a series of thefts that had occurred over the past week at a car wash establishment. Detectives determined that the couple would break the lock mechanisms to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal the coins they found in the trash containers located inside. (Not the coin operation strong-box, but the odd coins vacuumed up along with cigarette butts and dropped fries.) No less than four businesses were victimized by the pair. The investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming. The vehicle had been caught on surveillance cameras. The driver of the 1990’s model red and white Chevy Suburban that was caught on tape went into the Sheriff’s Office to file a theft complain in an unrelated matter. Detectives took the statement of William Rice, 44, of Denham Springs and his female companion Marsha Munley, 37, also of Denham Springs. Once they took the statement, the duo was taken into custody and they were each charged with 3 counts of Simple Criminal Damage to Property and 1 Count Simple Theft. The investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming. Rice and Munley are currently locked up in the Livingston Parish Detention Center. Their bond has been set at $2,000. Officials say that Rice and Munley would break the lock mechanism to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal the coins in the trash.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ms Liebsock Re: TRUE STORY Dear Webby TRUE STORY ... Dear Ms Liebsock Whenever you see "TRUE STORY" and it comes from AOL, it is a hoax. Also, if it comes from AOL and you read "As announced by Microsoft (or IBM, or AOL, or McAfee, or etc.) you can also file it on the same shelf. And take it with a big grain of salt. For tons of examples of "TRUE STORY" hoaxes click on the Urban Legend link in the left side margin of the Humor Letter. There are nowhere near all of them there, but plenty to keep you laughing for years. Have FUN! DearWebby
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President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply. "What was it about?" Grace asked. "Sin." "And what did the minister say?" "Seems to be against it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Jeanne for this: As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
"Ode to the Spell Checker!" Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

» Globa Obelisks







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Filter spam by conent, not by FROM address 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, September 25

Thank you Patricia!

Sandie sent me a link to an ancient roman shipyard, that has
been uncovered, right where all the old books said it had been,
in the ancient Roman suburb of Portus.
Roman Shipyard 

What seems incredible to me is not the shipyard, but that Rome
in those days was already bigger than San Francisco is now,
and at that time coped quite well. Imagine the garbage, water 
and sewer bills in a Million+ town distributed on stone or clay
tablets! 

The cops in those days were strictly foot patrols. No cop
cars, no guns. But they managed.

They didn't have a problem with illegals. Everybody paid taxes,
except for the slaves. If somebody didn't want to pay taxes, 
they better liked seafood, because they got a job as a chained
on rower on a ship, for life. But that was no problem. Immigrants
stood in line to get onto the tax rolls, that gave them the 
protection of the Pax Romana, the set of laws, upon which
all of our laws are based. Yeah, based on, and heavily amended
so as to be sometimes the opposite of the original.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. --- Oscar Levant Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. --- Socratex To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. --- Socratex Women like silent men, they think they're listening. --- Socratex
Here is a delightful classic: Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"
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My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it twice before."
Thanks to betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Natalie Behnke, 25, in Clearwater, FL Unauthorized stripper Clearwater, Florida -- She took off her clothes and asked customers for money. That's not an unusual occurrence at the Baby Dolls gentleman's club in Clearwater, but the problem is, Natalie Behnke was no exotic dancer. When the Pinellas Sheriff's Office was called to the club Tuesday night, the responding deputy was greeted by Behnke, 25, at the front door in her underwear. She was described as emotional and intoxicated. he club's manager told the deputy Behnke was inside earlier when she began taking off her clothes and approaching customers, asking for money. The manager reportedly told her to put her clothes back on, but Behnke refused and became aggressive with the female employees when they told her she could not do what she was doing. Behnke was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication. Mugshots of her last 7 arrests are here. Most were for False ID, Driving while License Suspended, DUI, etc.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: George Re: Can't block mail with bad return addresses Dear Webby... I received this spam at my old address, but am unable to add the address to the 'Blocked Sender List' because of the '-' ! My question for you: How can I get rid of this spammer? From: comcast@unspecified-domain George Dear George The problem is not the dash, but the missing ".com" "unspecified-domain" means the spammer didn't specify a domain. I don't bother filtering by the usually forged FROM address. I filter by the content. Look for something in the content, that you see only in spam but not in legitimate mails, and filter for that. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Now this is a real classic. The first time I saw that, it was on the old Fax-Jokes circuit. JOB OFFER Reverend Samuel Joesph Woodstone 515 North Lilly Street Dallas, Texas Dear Sir, You may have seen me on television during my crusade, preaching the word and begging people to change their lives. Sitting behind me was a rather worn, battered, weathered, poor excuse for a human by the name of Headford Lonston. He is a serious drunk, womanizer and exhibits all that is wrong with mankind. I point to him during my services to show how drinking, smoking, drugs, and mis-using Gods talents can destory a man. Mr Headford also had the worst BO in the world and the worst breath. Mr Headford would just nod his head, fart, belch, scratch his butt and grin with his two teeth as I would preach the word of God to the masses. Well about two weeks ago Headford passed away, a miserable excuse for a man. I prayed over his souless body hoping beyond hope that God in His wisdom would forgive Headford. So this brings me aroung to the point of this letter. I am in need of another Headford and many of your friends, family and work mates have suggested you as the only possible heir to Heaford's job. Please respond so we may make plans to continue to do the Lord's work. Sincerely, The Rev Sam Woodstone
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bob's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Bob hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A couple of country doctors in West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, this crazy birth thang is gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

» Ocelots







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Don't bounce spam, just dump it 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, September 24

Yesterday was a day of vivid colors.
When I finally finished Thursday's work at 7 am, the sky
over the prairies in the East was on fire. You see the 
picture further down.

In the evening it was still hot from the afternoon, so I
delayed my walk until the temperature dropped below 27º
(80 F). By then a light breeze made it more comfortable.
I hiked to Mainstreet, then up to the water tower, over to 
the hospital and back down into the valley via the hospital 
trail. 

The sun had set before I got to mainstreet, but unlike in the 
South, it takes well over an hour to get dark here. As I came
down the trail from the hospital, the sky is the West was 
bright white gold to yellow and fading into navy blue above.
Boring, very boring, compared to the sky in the North-Northwest.
There we had ripples of hundreds of shades of pink and purple,
getting darker toward the top, and the town below already dark 
with street lights and windows lit.

I was wishing I had brought my camera, but even more wished
I was not the only one seeing it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --- Sir Winston Churchill I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a carton of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . did he mention anything about including matches in the package?"
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The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman. "Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?" "I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller than the other.'" "The job is yours."
Click through for the big picture. This was the sky in the east at 7:00 am yesterday. Where I stood, it was still pitch dark, and the picture had to be a long exposure. That is why the wind shaking the leaves made the trees fuzzy, and the clouds too.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Albert Metz Jr., 67 in CASPER, Wyo 2 DUIs in one night A 67-year-old Wyoming man managed to get two DUIs in one night, the Casper Star-Tribune reports. Albert Metz Jr. posted his bond and was released about 2 hours after the first arrest - the county has always allowed it - then got pulled over again for blowing a stop sign about 25 minutes later (right outside the jail). His blood-alcohol level had dipped from .087 to .061, but was still over the state limit.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joyce Re: Bounced mail comes back Dear Webby... Re: bad return addresses Dear Webby, I love my "MailWasher Pro" but lately I have been getting some of my bounced mail back again from their server saying that the return address has a fatal error. Well, we both know that it is just the spammers way of trying to get around my "MailWasher Pro", What I want to know: is there a way of not getting all these mail delivery failed notices, a setting that I don't have working for me or something? Thank you for your great humor newsletter, it's so informative that I can't wait to read the next one. PS. I also enjoy the humor, Joyce Dear Joyce Personally I don't waste time bouncing any more. All the return addresses on spam are forged anyway. You can turn off bouncing in Mailwasher by going to TOOLS, Email Accounts, BOUNCING. Once you turn that off, your mail delivery failed notices should stop You can still turn that on again, if the preview shows a message from your mother-in-law announcing a visit. It's easy enough making filters for known senders and send regular spam to the trash without showing it, and only show in the.preview list what you actually want to preview. Have you played with the filters yet ? Have FUN! DearWebby
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While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party." After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Cotton from Bottle Packaging I am now saving the cotton that is packaged in vitamin and other bottles. These small pieces found at the top of the bottle can be used as cotton balls for removing nail polish or other similar applications. By Theresa from East Kingston, NH http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Paul finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Belinda was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So Bob ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. Belinda watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's a nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," replied the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

» Recycled Horseshoes







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When Hotkeys don't work 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 23
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

You may have heard bits and pieces about the shopping bag war
between the glib Algorian profiteers and the conventional bag 
industry. 

Because too many people did NOT fall for the BS, the reusable bag 
company known as ChicoBag did what any good environmental 
alarmist would do: they lied. 
When they got too far fetched with their lies, ChicoBag got sued 
and lost,  but not until after some towns in California had been 
"persuaded", (note, I did not quite say "bribed"), into forbidding 
the use of regular disposable shopping bags,
which have a 390 times smaller "Carbon Footprint" than the
dirt and bacteria hoarding and multiplying Chico Bags.

Subscriber Martin sent me a link to a site, that untangles
the Shopping bag mess 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Don't find fault, find a remedy. --- Henry Ford
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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Thanks to Anna for this one: My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Angela DeHart, 23 in Beaver, WV Woman Stole Hearse With Corpse In Back SEPTEMBER 21 The West Virginia woman, 23, is facing a pair of felony charges for stealing a hearse containing a body and driving home in it early yesterday. According to police, the hearse--parked outside the Ritchie and Johnson Funeral Home in Beckley--was swiped shortly after midnight on Tuesday. The driver, cops reported, had briefly left the hearse unattended--with its door open--while he entered the funeral home, presumably to get help with unloading the corpse. The driver, Kenneth Bly, “pulled into the parking lot…in order to unload a corpse” from the 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood hearse, according to a court affidavit. As Bly walked toward the funeral home’s entrance, he spotted DeHart, who “jumped into the vehicle.” Cops noted that, “Bly witnessed the defendant’s actions and yelled ‘Hey!’” DeHart, seen in the above mug shot, then “accelerated from the parking lot.” The hearse was recovered several hours later in the vicinity of DeHart’s home in the nearby borough of Beaver. A witness had called cops to report that a “very emotional” DeHart “had just pulled up to his residence…and that the defendant had been operating a black hearse.” The corpse, which had been laying inside a gurney in the hearse, “had been moved by some means and was laying on its side,” reported Detective Jamie Blume. The deceased was an 85-year-old woman. When officers confronted DeHart early yesterday at her home, she reportedly confessed to stealing the hearse. DeHart, who celebrated her birthday Monday, told investigators that she had engaged in a verbal argument with her wife/girlfriend and exited the vehicle in which they were traveling early Tuesday morning. As she began walking, DeHart said she “observed the hearse running next to the funeral parlor. She admitted that, after taking the car, she drove it to Beaver” and contacted a friend seeking advice as to what she should do with the stolen wheels. Charged with grand larceny and displacement of a dead body, both felonies, DeHart was booked into jail this afternoon. She is being held in lieu of $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Scotty Re: ALT key does not work Dear Webby... I tried punchin on alt on my keyboard and nuthin' happened. As you can see, I am not a PC whiz Scotty Dear Scotty Try this: Hold down the ALT key, and without letting go, hit one of the keys, that are underlined in top or pull-down menus, for example F. For an easy example, to save a file as a new file do this: ALT (hold down, don't let go) F ( File ) let go of both ALT and F A (save As) type in the new file name ENTER That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers to make them fit on the printed labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently was not amused when the label on their box displayed, "Ass Of God Church".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tent Plants in Plastic Wrap When On Vacation I have many houseplants and I have found an excellent way to keep them from drying out when we go on vacation. Water plants first, then tent smaller house plants with plastic wrap. I have several large potted plants that cannot be tented. I cover the base of the plant at dirt level with the plastic wrap. When I return from vacation, my plants are still happy and don't even need to be watered. This was a remarkable discovery for me. I no longer have to have someone come in during the week to water them. If you want to make sure my tip works, try it on one of your houseplants a few weeks before your vacation. By Jo from Riverside, RI http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Myrtle was traveling North from Miami on I-95 when she spotted a hitchiker. He was pretty good-looking, so she decided she'd pick him up. They started the usual chit-chat, and she turned on the charm. Things were going well and she thought sure he'd ask her on a date soon, but then somehow he let it slip that he was a convict on the run. "What were you in prison for?" she asked. "I murdered my wife and children," he cooly responded. Without a moment's hesitation, she added hopefully, "oh, so you're single...?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said. His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yore cats aroond here?"

» Forest Wanderer







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Colored backgrounds in email 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 22

Thanks to Verna for this picture:



It is amazing how wacky some people's ideas about Equinox are.
One nutty Flat-Earther even claimed that at Equinox both poles 
see the sun all day. He obviously has never been in the arctic 
or the antarctic, and has been smoking too much of the wrong 
kind of stuff.

Equinox literally means Equal Night. Ignore the sappy drivel
of the bozos, who are trying to tell you that is not so, and that
for the Flat-Earthers it has nothing to do with equal night, 
but where the sun is. 

Yeah, sure, the sun is up there. 
In the temperate zones around that time of year we have 
Equal Night and Day. That is why it has been called
Equi Nox for a few thousand years.
After Equinox the days are shorter than the night in the northern 
hemisphere, and longer than the night in the southern hemisphere.

I spent 30 years in the arctic. Up there, where you have no 
sun at all in midwinter and really appreciate every minute 
more sun, that you get in spring, and dread every minute less
that you get in fall, Equinox is quite important. 
Spring Equinox is a VERY cheerful party time. 

Fall Equinox is not cheerful at all in the arctic. It is time to 
get ready for the long and dark winter, get the firewood,
winter tires, check the tire chains, snow blower, etc.,
tilt the solar panels up, rig the water pump for winter, 
and so on.  And yearn for Spring Equinox.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. --- Mark Twain
Milkman Notes These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambience to them. "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk." "Cancel one pint after the day after today." "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it" "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk." "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today." "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole." "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks." "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round." "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress. "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea." "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle." "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." "Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant." "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it." "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight." "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday." "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
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A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
Thanks to Guinn for this picture: Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Juan Aguirre, 21, Salina, Kansas Kansas is fighting back! History's Most Pathetic Burglary Of A Sex Shop Kansas used to be the Bonehead state of the US, but lately Florida has been dominating the stage. In a remarkably botched (and embarrassing) burglary, a Kansas man yesterday broke into a sex shop and stole six X-rated movies. Well, actually, Juan Aguirre is accused of pilfering six empty DVD cases. The 21-year-old apparently was unaware that the cases he pinched were for display, and devoid of the corresponding discs. According to the Salina Police Department, Aguirre early yesterday shattered the front door glass at Cirilla’s, causing $500 in damages. During a canvass of the area after the break-in, cops questioned Aguirre, who was spotted riding a bicycle in the vicinity of the sex shop. A search of the suspect’s backpack turned up the DVD cases and a sledgehammer head, that was attached to a rope. In a sad epilogue to the burglary, investigators valued the recovered five DVD cases at less than $5 apiece, according to a Salina Police Department report. Charged with burglary, criminal damage to property, and theft, Aguirre is being held in the Saline County jail in lieu of $6000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helen Re: Colored background in email Dear Webby, Asking for your genius once again. Is there an easy way to create emails with a light colored background? Thanks! Helen Dear Helen With Outlook there is no easy way to do that. The default backgrounds are hard "fist on the eye" colors like you see with some spam. It's better if you work with background textures (outlook message window -> format -> background -> picture -> put your own) There are lots of sites on the web where you can get good backgrounds. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only comes up chest-high on my little ducklings there!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Quick Curtains With Sheets When I have a sheet that is too nice to use in dog kennels, I make it into a double sided small window curtain. If you have a smaller window in your home, garage, or office, this idea would be perfect since you don't need a large amount of material. By Sarah from MN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Isn't this 223-1374?" "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

» Magdeburg Water Bridge







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Disconnect router to stop abuse 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 21

Thank you Jim!

Have a look where the sun rises and where it sets today and
in the next two days. Those directions are precisely East 
and West. In case you ever set up a sun dial, you will
need to know those directions. The astronomer's theoretical
equinox is not until the 23rd, but the farmers say it is on 
the 21st, and that after the 21st the nights are longer than 
the days.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." --- Hal Chadwick
From Kathy: For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com- panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
If you want to make some money on the side,
now you can use the GTR Money Machine

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police and the City of South Pasadena, California Fined for good deed SOUTH PASADENA (CBS) — We’ve all heard the saying: no good deed goes unpunished . . . and that’s exactly what happened to a South Pasadena resident who was issued a ticket by police for his charitable act. When a major traffic light in the area went out again Thursday morning, Alan Ehrlich took matters into his own hands, directing traffic at Fair Oaks and Huntington avenues. “I grabbed a bright orange shirt that I have and a couple of orange safety flags. I took it upon myself to help get motorists through that intersection faster,” said Ehrlich. Before Ehrlich stepped in, traffic was backed up for more than a mile and it took more than 30 minutes to get through the busy intersection. Ehrlich said the Sept. 8 incident wasn’t the first and that the light goes out regularly. “It was just kind of chaos of cars . . . there were stop signs up. But people were challenging each other to get through the intersection,” said Richard Gerrish who works at an office located at the intersection. Gerrish said Ehrlich cleared up the mess in 10 minutes. After 15 minutes, South Pasadena police say they finally responded to the scene and told Ehrlich to stop and issued him a ticket, but never stepped into direct traffic themselves. “I don’t know if this ticket is $50 or $400 dollars. It’s a small price to pay for the greater good,” Ehrlich said. South Pasadena Police Chief Joe Payne said he did not have the man power needed to staff officers at Fair Oaks and Huntington Thursday and that is safer to allow traffic to back up. “We have limited resources . . . we need to prioritize them. One of the major intersections out at rush hour in our city should be a priority,” Ehrlich added. He already has plans to address the matter at an upcoming city council meeting. Police and the city of South Pasadena say they currently have no plans to change any procedures.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Disconnect router to stop abuse re WiFi safety: shutting ones computer down will not stop the hijacking of wi-fi you need to shut off the ROUTER or MODEM. If you just shut off your computer your wi-fi still works because your computer is a separate entity to the actual wi-fi network. Dianne Thanks Dianne! Yes, if you use a wireless router and set it up without passwords, then other people within range can indeed use it, and even give you a bad name. If you don't password your network, turn your router or modem off, when you are not using it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peel Banana from the Bottom Up If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of from the top down, you won't have those annoying stringy things from the peeling. By ashleybunkin from WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Census Bureau marked Unmarried and Single Americans Week by revealing 43.6 percent of U.S. adults over 18 were unmarried in 2010, including those who have been divorced or widowed -- at the time of the census. The figures stated 61 percent of those who were unmarried had never been married while 23.8 percent were divorced and 14.4 percent were widowed. The Census Bureau said there were 88 unmarried U.S. men for every 100 unmarried U.S. women at the time of last year's census. They predict, that playing hard to get is going to go out of fashion in the very near future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Carolyn for this story: After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

» Big Ice







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Careful if you have a Smartphone! 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 20

From Alexa
another good substitute for a tripod is a wheat bag..you can 
make them as big or small as you want or need and you don't 
have to worry about using "food" inside them or the zip lock 
bag breaking.
If you make an extra cover for your wheat bag you can even 
wash it when the need arises. I make them and use them as 
tripod substitute and as hot and cold packs..way safer than hot 
water bottles in your bed or on your lap.
I just buy budget wheat from the pet food store to use and any 
old cotton material I have lying around
Alexa

Yes, wheat will definitely work!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back into the same box. --- Italian Proverb A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --- Bill Vaughan Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --- Oscar Wilde
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"
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Angus has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face again. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches the bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!' 'How did you know?' he asks. 'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J Extra Sugar Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J. was arrested and charged with prostitution after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money at a local Dunkin Donuts. "She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the team of 16 investigators, said Police say the worker had a system of servicing men during her overnight shift at the restaurant. It took a SIX month investigation, surveillance involving various officers and a sting operation, but eventually they got her, arrested her and hauled her off in handcuffs. There was never any sex at Dunkin Donutes, but there may have been some in the parking lot or a short drive away from there. It took a lot of time and a lot of officers, but New Jersey's biggest criminal is not selling donuts any more! Night time sales of donuts have increased drastically since the news of the big bust.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Smartphone pictures pose security risk Smartphone pictures pose security risk Dianne Thanks Dianne! Smartphone users should watch that and adjust their settings accordingly! Have FUN! DearWebby
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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. He's half blind so I always do the driving these days."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peel Banana from the Bottom Up If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of from the top down, you won't have those annoying stringy things from the peeling. By ashleybunkin from WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd loosened the drainpipe beneath the sink and turned the first "U" part so that it was aimed at his crotch.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Summer break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he had done. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, we went to visit an aunt Ohio, O, H, I, O."

» Lost in America







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You Know It's Time to Diet When... 

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton   for your picture.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.




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Substitute for tripod 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, September 19

From John:
tell Amy the sate of Florida raises our share on Boneheads.
So, Dear Webby,  who raises the most  Boneheads? You 
decide How do you distinguish between the  dummies and 
the real  real dummies. 
thanks 
I  read Webby first, that give me  the  strength to  to the NEWS
john

Dear John
It may seem that Florida has more boneheads than other 
states, but part of that is because a lot of people retire to
Florida, and so there are a lot of people with time to report
boneheads.

For a wile, I used to get frequent reports from Russia, but 
they clamped down on that. China, on the other hand,
is relaxing a bit. Speaking of "the other hand", have a look at
Other hand

England also is a steady provider of boneheads, and so is 
California. They are all over, but whether we hear about 
them depends on the quality of reporting in those areas.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --- Abraham Lincoln Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --- Voltaire
Donna sent this on: After being laid off, I papered the town with my resume. Days passed, and I hadn't received a single phone call. I decided to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his real estate office. I quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alicia Ducharme, 48 in Volusia County, Florida Salad Attack OAK HILL, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested a woman who admitted to dumping a cucumber salad over the head of her boyfriend's one-legged father. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called to the home of Michael Dyer at about 4 p.m. Tuesday by his son, Daron Dyer, who reported a domestic disturbance, the Orlando Sentinel reported Friday. Deputies said Alicia Ducharme, 48, Daron Dyer's girlfriend, had argued with Michael Dyer, who accused her of stealing food and money from him, before she dumped the salad on his head. Michael Dyer's left leg is amputated at the knee and he uses an electric scooter to get around. Deputies said Ducharme told them she was "guilty" and instructed them to arrest her, but she resisted when they attempted to handcuff her. Ducharme said Dyer had punched her in the face before the salad dump, but deputies found no evidence of injuries. Ducharme was charged with felony counts of abuse of an elderly or disabled person and resisting arrest without violence. Daron Dyer, the son, said he and Alicia will move out of his father's house and go back to trucking.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Friz Re: Substitute for tripod From Friz Dear Webby, I forgot my tripod at home, but I have to as usual make all the pictures at the family gathering. What's a quick and cheap fix? I absolutely need something to help me beacuse I know I am too jittery to take candle light shots by hand without the ugly flash. I do have a remote release. Friz Dear Friz No Panic. Just get a sturdy zip-lock plastic bag, fill it two thirds full with sugar or salt or flour. Set it onto a saucer and place the camera onto the bag. Wiggle it a bit so it sits well. You can put that saucer onto any piece of furniture, or even onto a stepladder. The camera will be rock-solid and the pictures even sharper than when you use your tripod. For permanent use you can cut six to 8 inches off an old leather jacket and glue or stitch that together as a cover for your zip-lock bag. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home. One day, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard. One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass." "Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration." And your son chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

» Laughs 4 Everyone







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Internet Explorer can't open pages 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, September 18

Thanks to Amy:
CORRECTION:  The two idiots from your "Bonehead" story are 
from Upper Darby, PENNSYLVANIA.  I'm ashamed to say that 
we grow 'em pretty dumb in PA!
Amy

OOOPS!
The story was all over the British sites, and none would admit
what state they are in. That, the writing style, and the 
obsession about the boneheads being Lebanese, led me to 
jump to the wrong confusion. Thanks for the correction!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it gets replaced." --- John Peers When all men think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippman
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." As he was leaving, Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "STOP! Stop! Stop! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" "I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Seto, 27, in Chandler, AZ Shot his own penis Police say the man and his girlfriend had been on their way to the store at about 7:30 p.m. when the woman pulled her pink .380 caliber, semi-automatic Taurus, specially made to promote breast cancer awareness, from her purse. Seto took the gun and jammed into his waistband, where it went off. The bullet struck Seto's penis, then entered and exited his left thigh, according to a police report. The couple didn't immediately drive to a hospital, instead walking to a bench at the parking lot. Someone else prompted the man's girlfriend, Cara Christopher, to call 911, Favazzo says. "He's still conscious, there's just a lot of blood," Christopher told dispatchers, who then instructed her to apply pressure to the wound with a cloth. "It looks pretty bad." Seto was treated at a local hospital, but police had no update on his condition as of Thursday morning, and urge everybody to use proper holsters and not treat guns like the rubber decoys used by TV thugs. Actors are cute, but usually not smart enough to be allowed near real guns.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shonda Re: Internet Explorer can't open pages Dear Webby, I need help with Internet Explorer. Internet Explorer can't open web pages. I have to keep trying untill I can get online.Can you help me? Thank you Shonda Dear Shonda Internet Explorer is just a browser. It requires, that you are connected to the Internet. If you are not, it tries to call whatever you use for connecting and wake it up, but that is no guarantee, that you will be connected immediately. You will have to contact your ISP and get them to figure out, why you are not properly connected to them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw, that ran on water."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What is AOL?" "It's an organization set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes about and be prejudiced about and hopefully ease off on Mac users."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake...."

» Sweet Tooth

The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us who work in the court didn't know was whether she had a sense of humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings the woman addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's Judge Honey."





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Food For Thought 

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable
   to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
   and they will remember you ...when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
   but then again neither does milk.



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Questions 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, soon after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by three.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.





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How to turn off automatic mail checking 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, September 17

We will be having a Chinook. There was a definite arch.
When we have a Chinook, when the storm tops the Rockies, 
it splits. Half of it follows the mountains down into the foothills,
the other half continues on up high.

That provides a 50 Mile wide clear band of sky.

The part that follows the mountains down into the foothills picks
up moisture and dries the hay and grain, and rebounds straight
up. Where it mixes with the cold air at high altitude, it froms a
150 mile long arch of clouds.

The glider pilots of course love that. They use that "elevator" 
to get up high, and then ride the wave on top to get up so high,
that they need oxygen. One quick tow to get started and then
they have fun all day.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --- Josh Billings Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker
Lately, during a during a violent house-shaking blizzard, my neighbor was tucking her small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" She smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a good religious home, but I want to stay with you guys instead.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby, England Would have been 30 burglaries, but they encountered a lion By Mari A. Schaefer A pair of lesbian lovers have admitted to burglarizing 29 homes but passed up one house where they encountered a lion, police said. Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby have been arrested, according to police who expect to charge them with the crimes when their initial investigation is completed. They are currently being held on unrelated charges, according to court documents. Police are continuing to check the home that reportedly held the lion. "If we find a lion it will be a bigger story than this," said Michael J. Chitwood, superintendent of police. Apparently, using a cat to deter burglars is highly illegal in England. The majority of thefts happened during daylight hours. The pair entered the homes through unlocked first floor windows. After they looted the houses, they either walked or took public transportation home, said Chitwood. All of the homes were ransacked. In one burglary the pair left with a 55-inch flat screen television and lugged it back to their apartment. Chitwood dubbed them the "Thelma and Louise bandits" and said they were lovers. "They just enjoyed stealing," said Chitwood. "They used people's homes as their own private shopping center." The burglaries occurred in the Cardington, Stonehurst and Bywood sections of the township and Lansdowne Borough. A burglary also occurred in Prospect Park Borough. The women allegedly stole iPods, jewelry, toys, electronics, sneakers, makeup, purses, toiletries, household items, and about $23,000 in cash - not including Euros, Pesos, Lire and other foreign currency. Police also recovered a hookah pipe and marijuana but, do not expect the original owners to claim those items. ------------- Apparently Lebanese burglar teams are rare in England and especially newsworthy. All their papers seem to make a big fuss about that. And if a real lion is found, the owner will of course get sued for inflicting emotional distress on the poor innocent burglars.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: How to turn off automatic mail checking Webby Once again I need your advice and counsel... I run Mailwasher and Eudora and since yesterday my mail is going directly to Eudora. Yes, the icon for Mailwasher is blinking but the mail is already delivered. It use to be Mailwasher would notify me and I'd wash mail then go to Eudora and check mail for it to be downloaded. What has occurred an how do I go back to the way it was? This AM there was a mail from Nigeria and I did not have the chance to mark it as SPAM. Thanks once again. Frank Dear Frank In Eudora, hit TOO:LS OPTIONS and in the second panel, CHECKING MAIL put a 0 into the slot for how frequently it should check mail. That will again make it a manual check, AFTER running MailWasher, or by hitting F6 in MailWasher. By the way, blacklisting doesn't really work. Those assholes never forge the same sending address twice in a row. Just look for what is common amongst them, and make a filter. Yeah, creating a filter sounds technical, but it is really easy. You just mouse them together. After you have made one or two, it becomes a game. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, aghast: "And you did it anyway!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?" Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a question." "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
That reminds me.... The wall clock in our philosophy lecture hall was about as old as the professor and had a very interesting trait. If it was hit with an eraser, it jumped ahead a couple of minutes. Naturally, that special feature was abused on a regular basis to shorten the philosophy lectures. The professor seemed to be in his own little world and appeared not to notice. Then came the semester exam. After everybody had picked up their copy of the exam booklet and settled down to do some serious cheating the professor walked around, collected all the erasors and sat at an empty spot near the front, and proceeded to throw erasers at the wall clock. For some reason that caused the cheat sheets to rustle a lot more nervously than usual.

» Nature Photos

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help. The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man stated, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!" The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud, where's my 'grand'?" "But, this is my *mother-in-law*!" The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"





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No spam at Hughes 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thanks Debora!

The London rioters:

Nobody is surprised about those numbers, and the way they
turned the riots in Libya into a NATO bomber supported 
revolution, they bought themselves a lot of bad karma, that 
is going to come around and bite them in the butt.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --- Thomas A. Edison ----------------- I agree 100%. Fencing in the village dumps hurt progress more than the stopping of the moon exploration program.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Connie L. Sumlin, 45, and Gail Trula Johnson, 58 in Erwin, TN Stole art from Arby's You may expect to hear about art theft from the Louvre or the Guggenheim or the Museum of Modern Art, but Arby’s? Two women from Erwin were charged Tuesday with stealing $1,200 worth of art work from a Johnson City Arby’s restaurant. According to Johnson City police, Connie L. Sumlin, 45, 114 Masters St., and Gail Trula Johnson, 58, Parsley St., both of Erwin, were accused of stealing art from the lobby area of Arby’s, 1909 South Roan St., on Sept. 3. On Sept. 7, police said Arby’s store manager Susan Kennedy, 43, notified police that two women, who were later identified as Sumlin and Johnson, were caught on the store’s surveillance camera stealing both a picture of pears in a wooden frame and a piece of metal wall art that had recently been purchased during remodeling of the restaurant. According to the police report, the surveillance footage showed both women stopping in the lobby to look at the art on the wall. One of the women removed both items and carried them inside, while the other woman entered the store and purchased some food before leaving. Sumlin and Johnson were later identified using the video surveillance and the transaction information from the food purchase. Both women were charged with theft over $500. They were being held in the Washington County Detention Center on $1,000 bonds. Sumlin and Johnson were scheduled to appear in Washington County Sessions Court Wednesday. Arbys usually ploughs some of their profits back into the community by buying locally produced art and salad, when available.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: No spam at Hughes Dear Webby, Good Morning Webby, When I was on dial-up I received tons of spam every day. I have recently gotten Hughes.net and have not received any spam. My neighbor who has had Hughes for years does not get spam either. Do you have any idea where it is going? Thanks a lot for all your help over the years. Nita Dear Nita Hughes is very concerned about file transfers, since they have only a very limited amount available on the satellite. So they are weeding out spam VERY diligently. It also helps, that you retired the old address and got a new one, that the spammers don't know yet, and that now you are a lot more carful about where you use your address, than you used to be, when you were new. I would recommend, that you get a gmail address on the side. It is just as reliable, but you can easily dump it and replace it with another disposable "shopping address". Have FUN! DearWebby
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Three patients in a psychiatric institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five more years. The doctor takes the three patients to the empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump in. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why you didn't jump?" asked the doctor. "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Bird Feeder Suet This tip is for all you birdwatchers out there! This past summer I decided to start making my own suet. I make up a batch every month and store it in the freezer until I need it. Since it's warm out, I only use a small cylinder shaped wire feeder so the bigger birds can't get on it. I have had so much fun watching the baby woodpeckers feed on this and they really seem to like it better than the store bought kind. Of course, in the colder months, I will use bigger cages so all can enjoy. I use all generic products, so it's not as expensive to make. By Robbie from IN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead! We want to see how you do that."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Oh, about halfway down."

» Money Trees

A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic. When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?" Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid and a muffler alignment."





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Most powerful spam filter 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 14

Summer was back this afternoon. Somehow I feel a lot more 
energetic in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have one. --- Leo J. Burke I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner
A man was going to attend a costume party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress. At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but really, when you look at all the gossiping I've done, you'll see that I've really been on your side all the time."
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From Carol: Dear Webby Once upon a time, long, long ago, you had a joke about a granny and the Hawaian Good Luck Sign. Can you PLEASE, pretty please, dig that out and print it again ? I got show it to proof that I am not nuts. Thank you sooo much! Carol No problem, Carol! Here it is: The Letter from Gramma: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my own horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning of course, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Peter Quill, 45, San Juan Capistrano, California Can't handle generator noise SANTA ANA (CBS) — A San Juan Capistrano bonehead is behind bars after assaulting his neighbor with a flashlight over an allegedly noisy generator during a blackout, that left thousands of local homes without power. Peter Quill, 45, is accused of hitting his neighbor, Anthony Morales, over the head with a flashlight after complaining about the loud hum of a generator he was using during the widespread power outage, authorities said. Neighbors say Morales is a Los Angeles firefighter. Quill reportedly confronted Morales shortly before 11 p.m. on Thursday and demanded that he turn off the generator due to the excessive noise, said Orange County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino. When Morales refused repeated demands, Quill then allegedly returned to Morales’ home with a flashlight and attempted to turn off the generator himself, said Amormino. Morales was hospitalized with lacerations and a possible concussion, said Amormino. Many residents and businesses in Orange County used gas generators to power their homes overnight during the outage that lasted through early Friday morning, according to officials. Quill was booked into Men’s Central Jail on charges of assault with a deadly weapon, Amormino said. He is being held on $25,000 bail. Usually the real cause of fights over emergency generators is not over their noise, but caused by envy and the inability to donate power from the generator to neighbors, who spent their money on other things. Generators usually make less noise than a lawn mower and are not a big deal, though it can get rather noisy if every house in a circle has one running.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brig Re: Most powerful filter Dear Webby, I know you are a wiz at making filters in Mailwasher. What is your most powerful filter, and can we have it, please? Brig Dear Brig I checked the cute pie chart in Mailwasher, and my "Boundary" filter does just a hair over 20% of all the filters together. Here it is: If the entire header contains ="----=_ or ----------bound-- then mark the message as mail to be deleted, automatically. Considering how many filters I have, 20% is a huge chunk of the 4000 - 5000 pieces of mail sent towards me every day. Looking at that pie chart in Mailwasher can really cheer me up! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon- strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are much less expensive than the quilting clips. By MartyD from Houston, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country. She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his animals. "Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow in and that stops 'em cold." Judi nodded. The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns, ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Myrna for this: Diet is something most of us do religiously. We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

» Money Trees

Thanks to Leo for this: My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."





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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 14

Thank you Millie!


Summer has gone into hiding. It cooled off to 7 degrees 
above freezing and I decided to wear long pants and a jacket
for my evening walk, the first time since spring. Without a 
wind, I'd tough it out, but today I ruled on the side of comfort.
The wind is supposed to calm down a bit tomorrow, and we'll
see the sun again. I am not putting the summer shorts away 
just yet!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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please donate what you can!

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. --- Tallulah Bankhead There are more fools in the world than there are people. --- Heinrich Heine
The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes" said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well" said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother...just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."
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Rev Jesse's church moved to the empty warehouse beside a liquor store and topless bar, because their old church could not hold all the faithful. The liquor store and especially the topless bar were a real thorn in Rev Jesse's side, especially because some members had the annoying habit of sneaking out during the sermon and coming back rather inebriated, AFTER the collection plates had been hauled around by the deacons. He called the bar evil and a work of the devil and really got some steam up one day, when a nearby storm cut the power and the lights went out. Well, like any proper church, they had enough candles for the deacons and a few other good donors. Rev Jesse lambasted the bar and called for the Good Lord to smite it and burn it to the ground. Just then some very close and very noisy lightning caused somebody to flinch and set the Reverend's wife's wig on fire. The wig got tossed, but unfortunately it landed in the wardrobes at the side entrance and set everything there on fire. Eventually, they got the fire almost under control, but not until it had spread to the adjoining bar. To make a long story short, the bar burned to the ground. Naturally, Rev Jesse claimed the credit for that for himself and the Good Lord, and was not in the least bit shy telling everybody about how he and the Gold Lord had defeated the evil bar next door. Just as naturally, when the bar owner sued the church for damages, Rev Jesse reversed his rethoric and insisted, that it was not a miracle, just an accident. The matter went to court and quite amused the judge. "So, here we have a sinner, who claims the Good Lord accomplished a miracle, and a preacher, who claims that the Good Lord can't do that." Since the fire had started in the church, just seconds after Rev Jesse had called upon the Good Lord to smite the evil bar, the judge sided with the sinner and ordered the church to pay for rebuilding the bar.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, in Hialeah, Florida Big Sucker SEPTEMBER 8--Driving a minivan outfitted with a generator-powered vacuum system, a Florida man yesterday surreptitiously siphoned 250 gallons of gasoline from a Citgo outlet before the station’s owner became suspicious and called cops. When Broward County sheriff’s deputies arrived at the Oakland Park gas station, they arrested Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, on a felony grand theft charge. A search of Banos’s Dodge Grand Caravan revealed that the vehicle’s rear seats were removed and replaced with three huge plastic tanks and a generator used to power the illegal siphoning system. One of the plastic drums held 255 gallons of diesel fuel, valued at $1019.75, according to a sheriff's report. Banos allegedly parked the van above a compartment leading to the underground vaults storing the Citgo station’s fuel supplies. He then somehow dropped hoses into the reservoir and began sucking up the gasoline into the van’s plastic tanks. When Broward County Sheriff’s Office deputies discovered the large amount of gasoline inside the van, a hazardous materials team was called to the station to remove the diesel fuel. After being booked on the grand theft charge, Banos was freed from custody after posting $1000 bond. It is unclear what the unemployed Hialeah resident planned to do with the stolen gas. The tanks look like two 100 gallon and one 250 gallon tank. If he had not been interrupted and had filled all tanks, that would have been about 1700 kg (3750 lb) of fuel.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Forward just part of a mail Dear Webby, You know when someone forwards a cute email with grapics, it usually has a 1,000 other names before you. How does one get rid of the prior name lists and still keep the grapics? I would like to forward it without all the previous names. It is not a photo type, it's when you have a short verse and then an object or person that moves and then another verse and so on. Thanks, Bob Dear Bob With Eudora I would highlight the part that I want to forward, hit Forward, put in the destination address, and hit Send. I don't know how the other 657 email programs do it, but the same trick might work OK in many of them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in southern Argentina."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are much less expensive than the quilting clips. By MartyD from Houston, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bill was noted for his tact. One night he was awakened at four am by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. Bill thanked the caller, told him he would check it out and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, Bills called back his neighbor told him: "Sir, I don't have a dog."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

» Big cats

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it. * The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass. * The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass. * The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine. * The Russian drank the wine, fly and all. * The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine. * The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese. * The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine. * The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod. * The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman. * The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering. * The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'





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Log program with calculator 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 13

Thank you Frank!

I had to laugh about the anti-nuclear fanatics getting all
hysterical about the furnace explosion at Centraco in France.
There isn't even a nuclear reactor at that site, they just 
do waste processing, like burning used gloves and coveralls
and tools and ladders. 

Sure, that stuff has radioactivity, that is measurable with
today's instruments, but nowhere near as serious as say the
big green dots on Grampa's Big Ben alarm clock.

Somebody apparently had thrown something into the to be
burned waste, that caused an explosion. They don't know
yet, whether it was a thermos full of coffee or wine, and
don't really expect to find out for sure. 

All they know is that it had nothing to do with radioactivity 
or nuclear action, just that a waste treatment oven blew up.

That, of course did not stop the hysterical fanatics all over
Europe from trying to incite panic and demanding, that
nuclear powerplants be shut down.

France is the leading country in nuclear power generation,
followed by South Korea. 

Even though France has a lot of hydro project potential in 
the French Alps, the anti development propagandists have
made those pretty well impossible. 

While they were busy getting hysterical against hydro projects, 
nuclear power plants became so common in France, that it is 
difficult to make them appear scary. 70% of the electricity in 
France is from nuclear power plants. 

Most of the hysteria is in the countries surrounding France,
and the waste treatment oven accident is not likely to cause
any changes in France.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk." --- Socratex
What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable, except that they will always be scheming to make you feel guilty. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody and forget all training, when they are unhappy.. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house or yard. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but have selective hearing when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they stalk off and pout. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you pet them every day. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10. They can be trained. Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Hachem Gomez, 19, Mt prospect, Ill Burglar found cooking inside restaurant MOUNT PROSPECT, Ill., Sept. 11 (UPI) -- Police arrested a Mount Prospect, Ill., man who allegedly broke into a restaurant and made himself a meal. Police say an alarm went off at Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect early Saturday morning, and when police arrived, they found Hachem Gomez making a meal. Video surveillance of Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect allegedly shows Hachem Gomez, 19, entering the restaurant early Saturday by breaking into the drive-through window, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported. Assistant State's Attorney Robin Murphy said the video also shows Gomez damaging a cash register before stealing fries and chicken tenders from a freezer and cooking them in a microwave. There was no indication that Gomez was drunk or under the influence of drugs at the time of the burglary and the man has no criminal background, Murphy said. Gomez's bond was set at $5,000 and he is scheduled to appear in court on Sept. 21.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mick Re: log program that has a calculator Dear Webby What is a good daily log program that has a calculator built in ? Mick Dear Mick Just use your favorite spreadsheet, Quattro, Calc, Excel, Lotus, etc. Even Google's online spreadsheet works fine for simple stuff. If you are not familiar with spreadsheets, don't panic. They are so easy now that any kid can learn them by just playing a bit. And they all have good help built in. You will be amazed how easy they are, and how versatile. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Chill Counter Before Rolling Out Cookie Dough To cool down the counter top when rolling out pastry and cookies or when making candy, chill it with ice packs. You can make your own by filling gallon-size freezer bags halfway with water. Force out as much air as possible, seal, and place them in the freezer on a cookie sheet. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
In 1643 it was illegal to cook a mince pie or Christmas pudding in the New England and New Haven colonies. The Puritans banned any Christmas celebrations that did not take place in a church. Now people there gather at the mall and few of them have ever been in a church.

» Towering Tree houses

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."





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Spreadsheet not adding up right 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, September 12

Re 9/11:
From Argentina:  When I turned the TV on and saw the planes 
flying straight into the towers, I was numbed with shock. A friend 
came home during the afternoon, and we sat and gaped at the 
screen, tears rolling down our faces, commenting now'n'then 
on something that seemed more relevant than the rest.
We could talk of nothing else for a long time!
Manin 

I was frantically getting work done and at the same time 
preparing to fly to Tennessee the next day, on the 12th.
Then the radio interrupted the music and reported a passenger
plane flying into the WTC. While I was trying to hear details,
all phones and the fax got noisy, and over a dozen Skype 
messages popped. This was REAL!

There was no doubt at all, before I even had a chance to
listen to any of the callers. Then people called and told me
about a hockey player and some guys going to storm the cockpit 
of Flight 93, and shortly afterward, how they had brought it
down short of where the terrorists had planned to use it.
That was a spark of hope. 

My flight scheduled for the next day was of course canceled
by the air line. Nothing was flying on the 12th or the 13th,
and everything was messed up for the 14th. When planes flew 
again, it was quite obvious, that the world had changed.
I was the first off the plane and into the empty and echoing
terminal in Nashville. No crowds, no sound except my footsteps
and my breathing. It was eerie!

At the exit, there were the first two people I saw in Tennessee,
two soldiers in full combat gear, with machine guns at the ready.

I realized, there was not going to be a return to "as before 9/11".
We are coping, but just like Pearl Harbor changed the world,
so did 9/11.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. --- Tom Robbins The capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning and significance. --- Pablo Casals
Porridge: Budget conscious parent will tell you that it is a traditional, nutritious, lovingly prepared hot cereal breakfast dish. Kids will tell you that the name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
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An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in his paintings that are on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replies. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven K. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha From ankle bracelet to handcuffs Turns out a court-monitored ankle bracelet is not proper attire for an armed robbery. Apparently Steven K. Tubbs didn't get the memo. His fashion faux pas led to his arrest in connection with an Omaha home invasion where, prosecutors allege, Tubbs pointed a shotgun at a young couple who were sleeping with their infant son. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha were arrested Tuesday, the day after the robbery near 106th and Blondo Streets. Prosecutor Mike Jensen said a parole officer heard the description of the men involved and thought one might be a parolee of the officer's. When the officer checked information on Tubbs' court-ordered ankle monitor, it showed him at the couple's address about the time the robbery was committed. Tubbs was charged with two counts of robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and possession of a weapon by a prohibited person. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail. Tubbs was on parole after serving nearly two years in prison for attempted robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and terroristic threats. Mason was charged with two counts of robbery and ordered held on $250,000 bail. Among the items taken from the home was an American Express credit card that was used shortly after the robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: BF Re: Spreadsheet not adding up right Dear Webby When adding up columns in an old spreadsheet, I get weird results. Also, I notice that some of the numbers are not lined up the same way as the others. How can I fix that ? BF Dear BF Some of those numbers are not real numbers but just text. If there was a space in front or the back when it was pasted, then the spreadsheet treated it as text. Just highlight the cell and retype the number Have FUN! DearWebby
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According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; The rest were college students.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mayonnaise for Hair Conditioner Mayonnaise makes a very good hair conditioner at an affordable price. For shiny, silky hair, rinse with vinegar. Don't worry, the smell disappears! To strip conditioner build-up off hair, use Dawn dish soap. This works very well. Source: My sister-in-law who is a beautician. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Keep in mind that commercial mayonaise has a very rude PH, (high, acidic) on purpose, so that nothing can grow in it, and so that even old and stale sandwiches are safe. That is not going to make your hair fall out, but it can really mess up any PH related scheme you got going. If you are paying for a shampoo, that is claimed to lower or raise the PH of your hair, don't negate that with Mayonaise! Have FUN! Dearwebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill had been called to their companys head office in New York for a pep talk and party. As they staggered out of the party, Bill started crossing the street, while Gary accidently stumbled into a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs. "Where've you been?" Bill slurred. "I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred on the deadbeat list."

» Money in arts

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."





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