She can't forward 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Monday, October 31
Happy Halloween!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Pothead or potbutt? Dope dealer in road rage incident 
hid pot in his butt, dope and gun in car.
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 31, in 
1517 Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the
Wittenberg Palace Church. The event marked the start of the
Protestant Reformation in Germany and wars throughout Europe.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity. --- Robertson Davies When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death. --- J.P. Donleavy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all." The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Tech Support: "OK, Jose, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Programs." Jose: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Jose." Jose: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P', on your keyboard, Jose." Jose: "I'm not going to do that!" Tech Support: "Jose, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a bit. One of the other techs here needs to have an emergency hernia transplant." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Pink and blue at Shell Beach, California from Lillemor ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Nabil Subhai Hasan, 23, Derrick Alan Innocent, 23, Lakeland, Floriduh Pothead or potbutt? Dope dealer in road rage incident hid pot in his butt, dope and gun in car. The FHP arrested a driver and his passenger in a road rage incident for throwing bottles at another vehicle on I-4. Late Wednesday night, dispatchers received a call from a driver who reported people inside another vehicle were throwing objects at her while both traveling westbound on I-4 in Polk County. The incident began in Lakeland near mile marker 33 and continued for another 11 miles to Plant City. The female driver told dispatchers she heard a gun shot after glass bottles were thrown at her car. Officers with Lakeland Police conducted a traffic stop of the suspect vehicle at mile marker 22 on I-4. According to the arrest affidavit, officers found a bag of Ecstasy shoved under the driver's seat and a loaded semi- automatic gun under the cushion of the rear right seat. Police also found a bag of marijuana hidden inside the driver's butt. Florida Highway Patrol Trooper Jason Guaba arrived on scene and spoke to the alleged victims. He then interviewed the driver and two passengers inside the suspect vehicle. There was also an infant in the vehicle at the time of the incident. After concluding his investigation Trooper Guaba arrested the driver, 23-year-old Nabil Subhai Hasan, and one of his passengers, 23-year-old Derrick Alan Innocent. Both men were taken to Orient Road Jail for booking. Both Hasan and Innocent are facing four felonies charges: two counts of Throwing a Deadly Missile into an Occupied Vehicle, Felon in Possession of a Weapon, and Possession of Cocaine with Intent to Sell. They were also arrested for Misdemeanor Possession of Marijuana. There was no mention in the report about charges for endangering the infant. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Dixie H Re: Can't Forward Dear Webby, CAN'T FORWARD YOUR PROGRAM TO MY FRIENDS CAN THIS BE CORRECTED?? Dixie H. Dear Dixie I have no idea which of the many email programs you use. Check in the "Help" of your email program to see how an email is forwarded with the email program that you use. Usually you just find the icon for forwarding, hit that, type in the recipient address, and hit SEND. Have FUN! DearWebby Here is a classic that came back to me from Rick. A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man sitting opposite her was smiling. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied," Well, you're Honor, it was like this. When the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I smiled. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to grin. Then she moved under a sign that said, ' William's Big Stick did the trick' and I could hardly contain myself. BUT you're Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'… I just lost it." Case dismissed.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Old Fashioned Coconut Cream Pie By Abigail A. [21 Posts, 1,334 Comments] This is my go-to custard pie recipe. I love coconut! If you prefer meringue to whipped topping, you can make it with the leftover egg whites. Prep Time: About 20 minutes Cook Time: About 25 minutes Total Time: 45 to 55 minutes Yield: One pie Ingredients: 1 1/2 cup milk 1/3 cup sugar 1/4 tsp salt 2 Tbsp cornstarch 3 egg yolks 1 Tbsp coconut oil or butter 1/2 cup shredded, unsweetened (dry) coconut 1/2 tsp coconut flavoring 1 uncooked bottom pie crust (You can use the refrigerated, rolled pie crust) Steps: Scald milk in top of double boiler. Meanwhile combine sugar, cornstarch, salt and egg yolks in a bowl. Pour the scalded milk into the mixed ingredients, and pour the mixture back into the double boiler. Stir and cook until thickened. Remove from heat and add the coconut oil, shredded coconut and flavoring. Pour into pastry lined pie pan and crimp edges. Bake in 450 degree F oven for 10 minutes, then immediately turn down to 325 degrees F. Bake for an additional 10 to 20 minutes more or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Let cool and cover with whipped topping.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
New York Handpan
____________________________________________________ In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e ____________________________________________________ During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you." ____________________________________________________
The art of......paper art.
Today on October 31 in
1517 Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the
Wittenberg Palace Church. The event marked the start of the
Protestant Reformation in Germany and wars throughout Europe.

1864 Nevada became the 36th state to join the U.S. 

1868 Postmaster General Alexander Williams Randall approved a
standard uniform for postal carriers. 

1914 The Ottoman Empire (Turkey) joined the Central Powers
(Germany, Austria-Hungary, and Bulgaria). 

1922 Benito Mussolini became prime minister of Italy. 

1926 Magician Harry Houdini died of gangrene and peritonitis
resulting from a ruptured appendix. His appendix had been
damaged twelve days earlier when he had been punched in the
stomach by a student unexpectedly. During a lecture Houdini
had commented on the strength of his stomach muscles and
their ability to withstand hard blows. 

1940 The British air victory in the Battle of Britain
prevented Germany from invading Britain. 

1941 Mount Rushmore was declared complete after 14 years of
work. At the time the 60-foot busts of U.S. Presidents George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham
Lincoln were finished. 

1941 The U.S. Navy destroyer Reuben James was torpedoed by a
German submarine near Iceland. The U.S. had not yet entered
World War II. More than 100 men were killed. 

1952 The U.S. detonated its first hydrogen bomb. 

1954 The Algerian National Liberation Front (FLN) began a
revolt against French rule. 

1955 Britain's Princess Margaret announced she would not
marry Royal Air Force Captain Peter Townsend. 

1956 Rear Admiral G.J. Dufek became the first person to land
an airplane at the South Pole. Dufek also became the first
person to set foot on the South Pole. 

1959 Lee Harvey Oswald, a former U.S. Marine from Fort Worth,
TX, announced that he would never return to the U.S. At the
time he was in Moscow, Russia. 

1961 In the Soviet Union, the body of Joseph Stalin was
removed from Lenin's Tomb where it was on public display. 

1968 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson ordered a halt to all
U.S. bombing of North Vietnam. 

1969 Wal-Mart Discount City stores were incorporated as Wal-
Mart Stores, Inc. 

1981 Antiqua and Barbuda became independent of Great Britain.

1983 The U.S. Defense Department acknowledged that during the
U.S. led invasion of Grenada, that a U.S. Navy plane had
mistakenly bombed a civilian hospital. 

1984 Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated
near her residence by two Sikh security guards. Her son,
Rajiv, was sworn in as prime minister. 

1994 68 people were killed when an American Eagle ATR-72,
plunged into a northern Indiana farm. 

1997 Louise Woodward, British au pair, was sentenced to life
in prison after being convicted of second-degree murder in
the death of 8-month-old Matthew Eappen. She was released
after her sentence was reduced to manslaughter. 

1998 Iraq announced that it was halting all dealings with
U.N. arms inspectors. The inspectors were investigating the
country's weapons of mass destruction stemming from Iraq's
invasion of Kuwait in 1990. 

1999 EgyptAir Flight 990 crashed off the coast of Nantucket,
MA, killing all 217 people aboard. 

1999 Leaders from the Roman Catholic Church and the Lutheran
Church signed the Joint Declaration on the Doctrine of
Justification. The event ended a centuries-old doctrinal
dispute over the nature of faith and salvation. 

2001 Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department reached a
tentative agreement to settle the antitrust case against the
software company. 

2007 Google shares hit $700 for the first time. 

2008 Distribution Video Audio, Inc. shipped its final
shipment of VHS tapes to stores. The company was the last
major United States supplier of pre-recorded VHS tapes. 

2016  smiled.

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DSL and FAX on the same line? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Sunday, October 30
Tomorrow is Halloween!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Intoxicated Indiana mower driver used son as shield, 
threatened trooper
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 28, in 
1831 Escaped slave Nat Turner was apprehended in Southampton
County, VA, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave
uprising in American history. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was. Tyrone said, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked. "Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin for 'penis', so - 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. A SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. ______________________________________________________ From FB Somewhere in Vermont ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Samuel L. Wilson, 22, Connersville, Indiana Intoxicated mower driver used son as shield, threatened trooper Indiana State Police arrested a Connersville man who allegedly drove a lawn mower while intoxicated, threatened an off-duty trooper with a knife then used his own son as a human shield. Samuel L. Wilson, 22, allegedly drove the lawn mower with his 5-year-old son on board to the home of Indiana State Police Officer Scott McPheeters about 6:15 p.m. Monday, State Police said in a news release. McPheeters was doing yard work as his children played nearby at his home in rural south western Wayne County. Wilson, who police said was "obviously intoxicated," asked for a tow. McPheeters instead offered to call someone who would to give the man a ride, but police said Wilson turned "vulgar and belligerent." McPheeters took his children into his house and called for backup. McPheeters went outside to wait for officers and try to calm Wilson. Wilson, police said, pulled a knife from his belt and threatened McPheeters. McPheeters persuaded Wilson to put down the knife, but police said Wilson refused to cooperate when Cambridge Police Officer Larry Kuhn arrived. "The man resisted and refused to follow directions, and even attempted to use his five-year-old son as a shield," State Police said in the news release. "Officers were able to get the boy free from the man and take him into custody." Wilson was arrested and taken to the Wayne County Jail. Wilson faces initial charges of intimidation, operating a vehicle while intoxicated with a passenger under age 18 and resisting law enforcement. Police said Wilson's blood-alcohol level tested at more than twice the legal driving limit of .08 percent. The boy was released to his custodial parent, police said. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Fred Re: DSL and Fax Dear Webby, Can I run a fax machine on the same line as the DSL ? Thanks Fred Dear Fred Yes, sure. They share the same wire, just like your 144 TV channels share the same wire. Only dial-up and voice and fax can't use the same wire at the same time, but any one of them can have DSL piggy-backing on the same wire. Have FUN! DearWebby From a subscriber who does not have a signature line in her mail: A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals." The teacher asked, "Really, and what four animals? The little girl said A mink on my back, a jaguar in the Garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The Teacher Fainted
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Teriyaki Bat Wings By Teri Malec P. Teriyaki Bat WingsChicken wings marinated in teriyaki sauce makes a spooky, yet yummy appetizer! Prep Time: 30 mins Cook Time: 45 mins Total Time: 1 hour 15 mins Ingredients: ¼ cup soy sauce ½ cup water 4-5 Tbsp honey (to taste) 1 lb chicken wings, separated into drums and tips Steps: Make the teriyaki sauce with the soy sauce, honey and water. Mix well. Separate the wings. Marinate the chicken in the teriyaki sauce. Refrigerate for a few hours. Make sure the chicken pieces become nice and dark. Bake the wings at 400 degrees F. for about 45 mins, or until crispy.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Roland for this one: My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, mon, I aint not stupid or nuthin, juss tell me what state it's in."
tree cutting machines!
____________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was trying to teach her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!" ____________________________________________________ One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook a lot better now." ____________________________________________________
What a great idea to turn an unused hillside into a children's park!
Today on October 30 in
1817 The independent government of Venezuela was established
by Simon Bolivar. 

1831 Escaped slave Nat Turner was apprehended in Southampton
County, VA, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave
uprising in American history. 

1875 The constitution of Missouri was ratified by popular

1893 The U.S. Senate gave final approval to repeal the
Sherman Silver Purchase Act of 1890. 

1894 The time clock was patented by Daniel M. Cooper of
Rochester, NY. 

1938 Orson Welles' "The War of the Worlds" aired on CBS
radio. The belief that the realistic radio dramatization was
a live news event about a Martian invasion caused panic among

1945 The U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing.

1953 General George C. Marshall was awarded the Nobel Peace

1961 The Soviet Union tested a hydrogen bomb with a force of
approximately 58 megatons. 

1961 The Soviet Party Congress unanimously approved an order
to remove Joseph Stalin's body from Lenin's tomb. 

1972 U.S. President Richard Nixon approved legislation to
increase Social Security spending by $5.3 billion. 

1972 In Illinois, 45 people were killed when two trains
collided on Chicago's south side. 

1975 Prince Juan Carlos assumed power in Spain as dictator
Francisco Franco was near death. 

1975 The New York Daily News ran the headline "Ford to City:
Drop Dead." The headline came a day after U.S. President
Gerald R. Ford said he would veto any proposed federal
bailout of New York City. 

1982 Portugal's constitution was revised for the first time
since it was ratified on April 25, 1976. 

1984 In Poland, police found the body of kidnapped pro-
Solidarity priest Father Jerry Popieluszko. His death was
blamed on four security officers. 

1989 Mitsubishi Estate Company announced it would buy 51
percent of Rockefeller Group Inc. of New York. 

1993 Martin Fettman, America's first veterinarian in space,
performed the world's first animal dissections in space,
while aboard the space shuttle Columbia. 

1993 The United Nations deadline concerning ousted Haitian
President Jean-Bertrand Aristide passed with country's
military still in control. 

1995 Federalist prevailed over separatists in Quebec in a
referendum concerning secession from the federation of

1998 The terrorist who hijacked a Turkish Airlines plane and
the 39 people on board was killed when anti-terrorist squads
raided the plane. 

2001 In New York City, U.S. President George W. Bush threw
out the first pitch at Game 3 of the World Series between the
New York Yankees and the Arizona Diamondbacks. 

2001 Michael Jordan returned to the NBA with the Washington
Wizards after a 3 1/2 year retirement. The Wizards lost 93-91
to the New York Knicks.

2016  smiled.

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Mysterious mail bounces 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Saturday, October 29

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas student crashes SUV into patrol car after
taking topless Snapchat selfie
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 28, in 
1793 Eli Whitney applied for a patent for his cotton gin.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. --- Margaret Mitchell (1900 - 1949) Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. --- Robert Anton Wilson When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. -- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Chris for this one: As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just wondering if he was the one to kick out." ______________________________________________________ From FB Frosty Lakes by Saed ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Miranda Kay Radar, 20, Ryan, Texas Texas student crashes SUV into patrol car after taking topless Snapchat selfie A Texas A&M student told police she was taking a topless Snapchat selfie for her boyfriend moments before her SUV slammed into the back of a parked police car. It happened around 8:30 p.m. Wednesday on East Villa Maria Road in Ryan, Texas. According to KBTX, Bryan Police Officer John Sartell approached the vehicle to find the driver, 20-year-old Miranda Kay Radar, wearing an unclasped bra, attempting to put her shirt on. There was also an open bottle of wine in the center console cupholder, police say. When Officer Sartell asked her why she was not dressed, the woman told him she was “taking a Snapchat photo to send to her boyfriend while she was at a red light.” Rader was charged with DWI with an open container and was also issued a citation for minor in possession of alcohol. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Marsha Re: Mysterious mail bounces Dear Webby, Ross, my oldest and blondest brother, thinks he is so smart that he can improve on the way I set the mail up for him. Right now, he told me on the phone, he can mail out to anybody, but if he tries to reply or forward, he gets bounces. What did he do now ? And what do you recommend? Thanks Marsha Dear Marsha Most likely he has his mail set to "Send a copy to self" for forwards and replies. And because he doesn't read his own copies of the replies and forwards anyway, he has himself blocked with some spam control program. He should either take the checkmark off "Send a copy to self", or else stop blocking mail from himself. Have FUN! DearWebby During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN ....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!" ------------------ For people for whom English is a second language, the word "alter" is normally used with animals, for example a bull is sometimes "altered" and made into an ox, by cutting off his family jewels.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Mennonite Baked Corn By GRAPE [12 Posts, 14 Comments] Total Time: 40 minutes Yield: 8 servings Ingredients: 4 cups fresh, frozen or canned corn 4 Tbsp butter 3 Tbsp flour 2 cups milk 2 Tbsp sugar 2 tsp salt 1/4 tsp pepper 2 beaten eggs Steps: Melt butter and add flour over medium heat. Add milk gradually, bring to boil while stirring gradually. Add corn, sugar, salt and pepper, and stir and heat thoroughly. Remove from heat and add beaten eggs. Pour into buttered dish and bake at 350 degrees F for 35 minutes or until firm. YUMMMMY Mennonite recipe!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A young man goes to a girl's house to pick her up for their first date. She shows him into the living room, then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them coffee. Looking around the room, the fellow notices a little vase on the mantel. He picks it up to examine it, and as he is looking at it, she walks back in. "What's this?" he asks her. "Oh," she says, "my father's ashes are in there." The young man turns beet red and is speechless as he gently sets the vase back on the mantle. "Yeah," the girl says, "he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
cargo ship responds to little girl's request to honk - Thank you Bausell Sailor
____________________________________________________ A Kansas farm couple who are sleeping early one morning, when a tornado roars over their farmhouse. It lifts the roof off, picks up the bed the farmer and his wife are sleeping in and sets them down gently in the next county. The wife begins to cry. "Don't be scared, dear," her husband says. "We're not hurt." The woman continues to cry. "I'm not scared," she says between sobs. "I'm crying because I'm happy. This is the first time in 14 years we've been out together!" ____________________________________________________ From Ardy I just loved your story about Vancouver in the rain. You've always known how to have FUN, haven't you! In 1970, I was 25, divorced and working at one of the computer parts plants in town, Chip-Tronics. It was someone's birthday & I'd bought her a pretty umbrella. I remember telling everyone what a terrible time I had, gift-wrapping it. I went into such detail about all of the wrapping paper I'd torn & had to discard. It went on for 10 minutes, probably.....turning into quite a comedy routine. The 'Seinfeld' writers could have developed a half hour show with the material that I related! I ended my story with the revelation I'd had.....that perhaps if I'd close the umbrella, it might be easier to wrap! ____________________________________________________
Some of these I would like to have!
Today on October 29 in

1618 Sir Walter Raleigh was beheaded under a sentence that
had been brought against him 15 years earlier for conspiracy
against King James I. 

1652 The Massachusetts Bay Colony proclaimed itself to be an
independent commonwealth. 

1682 William Penn landed at what is now Chester, PA. He was
the founder of Pennsylvania. 

1863 The International Committee of the Red Cross was

1901 Leon Czolgosz, the assassin of U.S. President McKinley,
was electrocuted. 

1923 Turkey formally became a republic after the dissolution
of the Ottoman Empire. The first president was Mustafa Kemal,
later known as Kemal Ataturk. 

1929 America's Great Depression began with the crash of the
Wall Street stock market. 

1940 The first peacetime military draft began in the U.S. 

1945 The first ballpoint pens to be made commercially went on
sale at Gimbels Department Store in New York at the price of
$12.50 each. 

1956 Israel invaded Egypt's Sinai Peninsula during the Suez
Canal Crisis. 

1959 General Mills became the first corporation to use close-
circuit television. 

1960 Muhammad Ali (Cassius Clay) won his first professional

1966 The National Organization for Women was founded. 

1969 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered an immediate end to all
school segregation. 

1973 O.J. Simpson, of the Buffalo Bills, set two NFL records.
He carried the ball 39 times and he ran 157 yards putting
over 1,000 yards at the seventh game of the season. 

1974 U.S. President Gerald Ford signed a new law forbidding
discrimination in credit applications on the basis of sex or
marital status 

1985 It was announced that Maj. Gen. Samuel K. Doe had won
the first multiparty election in Liberia. 

1990 The U.N. Security Council voted to hold Saddam Hussein's
regime liable for human rights abuses and war damages during
its occupation of Kuwait. 

1991 The U.S. Galileo spacecraft became the first to visit an
asteroid (Gaspra). 

1991 Trade sanctions were imposed on Haiti by the U.S. to
pressure the new leaders to restore the ousted President
Jean-Bertrand Aristide to power. 

1992 Depo Provera, a contraceptive, was approved by the Food
and Drug Administration. 

1995 Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers became the NFL's
career leader in receiving yards with 14,040 yards. 

1998 South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission
condemned both apartheid and violence committed by the
African National Congress. 

1998 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off with John Glenn
on board. Glenn was 77 years old. In 1962 he became the first
American to orbit the Earth. 

1998 The oldest known copy of Archimedes' work sold for $2
million at a New York auction. 

2014 The smartwatch Microsoft Band was released. 

2016  smiled.

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Screaming computer 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, October 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Wisconsin teacher passed out drunk on 4th grade 
field trip getting 'rewarded' with a massive payday
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 28, in 
1793 Eli Whitney applied for a patent for his cotton gin.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
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______________________________________________________ After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood. --- Fred Thompson "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --- Gene Hill ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, that causes more pain and suffering than any other product, and yet we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's the fringe benefit I get for owning the company." ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Maria Caya, 53, Janesville, Wisconsin Wisconsin teacher passed out drunk on 4th grade field trip getting 'rewarded' with a massive payday In 2013, students at a Janesville, Wisconsin, elementary school were gearing up for the last day of school. In honor of the quickly-approaching summer vacation, the school's fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local bowling alley. Fourth grade teacher Maria Caya was slated to be one of the field trip's chaperones. No one would imagine Caya would show up drunk and proceed to pass out in the bowling alley bathroom. Found in the bathroom by another faculty member, Caya was rushed to the hospital where she drew a blood alcohol level of .27 — three times the legal driving limit for the state of Wisconsin: In light of the incident, Caya was asked to resign from her job and was paid $18,000 by the school district to do so. According to the school district, firing Caya would have resulted in legal costs exceeding that payout. In the wake of the ordeal, Janesville police released Caya's blood alcohol levels, which prompted Caya to begin a massive $5.5 million lawsuit against the city. The former teacher claimed the department's decision to improperly release her blood alcohol levels caused her stress and public embarrassment. Despite Caya already receiving the $18,000 payout from the school, the City of Janesville agreed to pay her $75,000. According to NBC 15, the nearly six-figure payout was done so that the case wouldn't have to go to trial. With the news of Caya's win, parents have been left disgusted because they believe Caya endangered their children. To make matters even more complicated, it is unclear as to whether the police department broke any laws when it came to releasing Caya's alcohol levels. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Rick Re: Screaming computer Dear Webby, Dear Webby, I had left an old computer at the cabin, so that I could use it for downloading pictures from the camera and burning them onto a CD. Wen we got to the cabin and I turned on the computer, instead of the familiar fan noises there was the most godawful screaching and screaming, like a cat was inside it and slowly getting sliced into little pieces by the fans. I turned it off and took the side cover off, but all I saw in there, aside from the circuit boards and drives, were dust bunnies. What wold cause that awful noise? Rick Dear Rick When the frozen machine starts up, the thin film of grease in the fan bearings gets pushed along into micro dunes that look like miniature fish scales under the microcope. Just like any old grease, it retains the stickiness that is intended to keep it on the job, but it loses it's lubricating qualities and creaks like an old outhouse door. The high speed creaking is what you heard and thought was an animal screaming in pain. Naturally that does not prolong the usable lifetime of that fan. Some of the more modern computers and power supplies don't turn on the fans until there is actual need for cooling. On older equipment, you have to either put up with the screaming for a bit, or else wait until the cabin and the computer warm up. An alternative would be to just buy a larger capacity memory chip for the camera, or if it is from the XP era and has a 2 GB maximum, get a few extra chips. 2 Gb SD chips are getting rather scarce, so it might be a good idea to stock up on them. Have FUN! DearWebby Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Iron To Remove Nail Polish Remover Stain Regarding nail polish remover spilled on real wood table. Yes! The hot iron with white washcloth worked WONDERS! I was stunned! By Jojo from Texas
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
On her way back from the concession stand, Tricia asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Tricia nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."
cargo ship responds to little girl's request to honk - Thank you Bausell Sailor
____________________________________________________ A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband." ____________________________________________________ This happened in England, where people always carry an umbrella, even on the odd days, when it doesn't rain. A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to take them all in and have them repaired. On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella. Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus. The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas. When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman. She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?" --------------- That reminds me of an umbrella experience I had in Vancouver in the 70's. It rains a lot in Vancouver, but I was new and was caught downtown in a real downpour. I ducked into the entranceway at Sears to escape the worst. While standing there I was idly reading the list of departments and the floors they were on. "Lost and Found Floor 12" caught my eye. So I went up there and asked if they had found my umbrella. "A black one ?" she asked. "Uh, yeah, a black one." I replied. "Telescoping or Gent?" "Uh, Gent." I figured, a hippie like me would naturally carry a gentleman's straight umbrella, not a weird one that might require readig instructions. The lady behind the counter groaned and left. A minute later she came back with a huge armload of black umbrellas. "Take your pick!" She didn't say anything about trying to find mine, just to take my pick. I did. The second one was perfect. No pinholes, smooth action, no rust specks, fine leather handle. Just as I was about to say something that it might be the right one, the lady told me: "Take a couple of spares. I got truckloads of them back there and hate carrying these back there again." I felt so sorry for her, I took the whole armload that she had dumped onto the counter. That made her smile ! Outside again, I gave a couple to the Hare Krishnas who were chanting in the rain and dancing like old drunks who had not noticed that the music had stopped. Then I spotted a mother with a baby carriage, so I ran after her and gave one to her and one to the kid. I had a great time, until I realized that I had given away ALL of the umbrellas. Back at Sears I told the lady at the Lost and Found the truth, and we had a good laugh about it. During the second armload the rain lessened and stopped and when the sun broke through the clouds, I was stuck with one umbrella. Since I felt silly carrying an umbrella when it didn't rain, I left it on the bus. ____________________________________________________
Archaeologists have unearthed a huge ancient settlement in Inner Mongolia.
Today on October 28 in
1636 Harvard College was founded in Massachusetts. The
original name was Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. It was
the first school of higher education in America. 

1776 The Battle of White Plains took place during the
American Revolutionary War. 

1793 Eli Whitney applied for a patent for his cotton gin. 

1886 The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor
by U.S. President Cleveland. The statue weighs 225 tons and
is 152 feet tall. It was originally known as "Liberty
Enlightening the World." 

1904 The St. Louis Police Department became the first to use

1919 The U.S. Congress enacted the Volstead Act, also known
as the National Prohibition Act. Prohibition was repealed in
1933 with the passing of the 21st Amendment to the U.S.

1922 Benito Mussolini took control of the Italian government
and introduced fascism to Italy. 

1936 The Statue of Liberty was rededicated by U.S. President
Roosevelt on its 50th anniversary. 

1940 During World War II, Italy invaded Greece. 

1949 U.S. President Harry Truman swore in Eugenie Moore
Anderson as the U.S. ambassador to Denmark. Anderson was the
first woman to hold the post of ambassador. 

1958 Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the
name John XXIII. 

1962 Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev informed the U.S. that
he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in

1965 Pope Paul VI issued a decree absolving Jews of
collective guilt for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. 

1965 The Gateway Arch along the waterfront in St. Louis, MO,
was completed. 

1976 John D. Erlichman, a former aide to U.S. President
Richard Nixon, entered a federal prison camp in Safford, AZ,
to begin serving his sentence for Watergate-related

1983 The U.S. vetoed a U.N. Security Council resolution
"deeply deploring" the ongoing U.S.-led invasion of Grenada. 

1985 John A. Walker Jr. and his son, Michael Lance Walker,
pled guilty to charges of spying for the Soviet Union. 

1986 The centennial of the Statue of Liberty was celebrated
in New York. 

1988 Roussel Uclaf, a French manufacturer that produces the
abortion pill RU486, announced it would resume distribution
of the drug after the government of France demanded it do so.

1990 Iraq announced that it was halting gasoline rationing. 

1993 Ousted Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, called
for a complete blockade of Haiti to force out the military

1994 U.S. President Clinton visited Kuwait and implied that
all the troops there would be home by Christmas. 

2016  smiled.

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Where can you study Color? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, October 27

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Drunken woman found with handcuffs, guns 
after wrong-way crash on I-4 in Florida
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 27, in 
1659 William Robinson and Marmaduke Stevenson became the
first Quakers to be executed in America. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. --- Edmund Wilson (1895 - 1972) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to? ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them. Alas, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she had peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was really surprised!! There were twelve rather green faced dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! ______________________________________________________ Fall in Washington, State From FB ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angela Sammons, 32, Maitland, Floriduh Drunken woman found with handcuffs, guns after wrong-way crash on I-4 A 32-year-old woman was arrested Saturday on DUI charges after she drove the wrong way on Interstate 4 in Maitland and crashed into a barrier, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. FHP said in an arrest report that it received about 13 calls to 911 about the driver, who was going west on I-4 East. Troopers said when they approached the crashed car, Angela Sammons got out of the sedan without shoes, and that when a trooper handed Sammons her shoes she put them on the wrong feet. The FHP report stated Sammons was stumbling and staggering on her feet, and did not know where she was or where she was driving to. Sammons was placed in the back of a patrol car, where she fell asleep, troopers said. FHP said when a trooper woke Sammons up and asked her if she was OK, she slurred her words and said she was tired and wanted to go home. Troopers said Sammons refused a field sobriety and Breathalyzer tests. Channel 9 found out that Sammons was an officer for the Division of Alcoholic Beverages and Tobacco. The state said Sammons voluntarily left her position last year. Troopers said they found multiple Florida driver’s licenses in her purse, and loaded guns and handcuffs in her car. Sammons was booked into the Orange County Jail on charges of driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, involving a vehicle crash, FHP said. Her bail was set at $500. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Janice Re: Color question Dear Webby, I have been told a few times that my sense of color is barbaric, with clothes too, but mostly with my web pages. Some people suggested I take some time and study up on colors. I have taken a course on color at the community college a few years ago, and I have a hunch, that is where my problem with colors started. Well, I'm still willing to study, but where do I find good info on that topic? Thanks Janice Dear Janice Try Color Matters at That site has a lot of information about color, a bulletin board where you can ask questions, and a good reference library for deeper study. Have FUN! DearWebby A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around smart people."
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Daily tip from Ridding Your Kitchen of Fruit Flies By EllenB [805 Posts, 1 Comment] An Easy Fruit Fly Trap After removing all potential sources for feeding and breeding, use this trap to take care of any remaining adult flies. Fill one or more small jars with 1 inch of beer, wine, or Apple Cider Vinegar (not white vinegar). This fermenting liquid is your "bait". Place a plastic sandwich bag over the mouth of the jar, so that one corner reaches down into the jar just above the "bait" (you're creating a funnel). Poke a small, 1/8 inch hole in the corner of the bag with the tip of a pencil. Secure the bag around the rim of the jar with a rubber band. Place the jars around your kitchen or near your problem plants. Since you've already taken away their food supply and breeding grounds, the fruit flies will be searching for more. The "bait" will attract the fruit flies to the traps. They'll enter through the hole in the bottom of the funnel, and not be able to get out.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
dog loves the leaves
____________________________________________________ Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The guy at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'" The man, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'" ____________________________________________________ A classic that came back to me from Noah A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him tobacco." "A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You are talkin' to him," said the farmer. ____________________________________________________
The rare and elusive Spirit bear.
Today on October 27 in
1659 William Robinson and Marmaduke Stevenson became the
first Quakers to be executed in America. 

1787 The first of the Federalist Papers were published in the
New York Independent. The series of 85 essays, written by
Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay, were
published under the pen name "Publius." 

1795 The United States and Spain signed the Treaty of San
Lorenzo. The treaty is also known as "Pinckney's Treaty." 

1858 Roland Macy opened Macy's Department Store in New York
City. It was Macy's eighth business adventure, the other
seven failed. 

1878 The Manhattan Savings Bank in New York City was robbed
of over $3,000,000. The robbery was credited to George
"Western" Leslie even though there was not enough evidence to
convict him, only two of his associates were convicted. 

1904 The New York subway system officially opened. It was the
first rapid-transit subway system in America. 

1925 Fred Waller received a patent for water skis. 

1927 The first newsreel featuring sound was released in New

1931 Chuhei Numbu of Japan set a long jump record at 26' 2

1938 Du Pont announced "nylon" as the new name for its new
synthetic yarn. 

1947 "You Bet Your Life," the radio show starring Groucho
Marx, premiered on ABC. It was later shown on NBC television.

1954 Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were divorced. They had
been married on January 14, 1954. 

1954 The first Walt Disney television show "Disneyland"
premiered on ABC. 

1962 The Soviet Union adds to the Cuban Missile Crisis by
calling for the dismantling of U.S. missile bases in Turkey.
U.S. President Kennedy agreed to the new aspect of the

1978 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime
Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace
Prize for their progress toward achieving a Middle East

1994 The U.S. Justice Department announced that the U.S.
prison population had exceeded one million for the first time
in American history. 

1997 The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 554.26 points.
The stock market was shut down for the first time since the
1981 assassination attempt on U.S. President Reagan. 

2002 Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva was elected president of
Brazil in a runoff. He was the country's first elected
leftist leader. 

2016  smiled.

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Add a Sunday line in an Excel graph 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Wednesday, October 26

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
2 found guilty in murder of special needs teen
over his red shoes
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 26, in 
1825 The Erie Canal opened in upstate New York. The 363-mile 
canal connected Lake Erie and the Hudson River at a cost of 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of their blood. --- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865 - 1946) "A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married." --- H.L. Mencken ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognise the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..." ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kanasho Johns, 29, Kevin Deon Johnson, 26 Los Angeles, California 2 found guilty in murder of special needs teen over his red shoes Two men were found guilty on Monday of first-degree murder in the slaying of a special needs teen, who was gunned down in South Los Angeles allegedly over the color of his shoes. The victim, Price was described as standing under 5 feet tall and weighing less than 90 pounds. Jurors convicted Kanasho Johns, 29, and Kevin Deon Johnson, 26, for the 2015 killing of Tavin Price, described by family members as having special needs. Johns was also convicted of felony possession of a firearm. Prosecutors say Johns and Johnson were two neighborhood Crips members, and they targeted Price because of what he was wearing. Around 11 a.m. last May, Price and his mother, Jennifer Rivers, were at a car wash near the corner of Florence Avenue and Crenshaw Boulevard. Price went into a nearby store, where he was approached by a man who asked Price to remove his shoes. Price then walked back to his mother at the car wash to tell her what the man said. Authorities said the man followed Price back to the car wash and opened fire. Rivers said she tried to run after the shooter but couldn't catch him. In court, Price was depicted as wearing a red T-shirt and red shoes at the time of the shooting. Rivers described her son as having a mental capacity of a 12- year-old, saying he was never affiliated with a gang in his life. Price was also described as standing under 5 feet tall and weighing less than 90 pounds. "This is a stereotypical innocent victim," said deputy district attorney Bobby Zoumberakis. "He's done nothing wrong. He had no criminal record. He had no gang involvement. I think the jury saw that and saw how important it was to get justice for him." A third man, 31-year-old Dwight Kevin Smith, has pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter in Price's death. He is set to be sentenced in October. Sentencing for Johns and Johnson is scheduled for Nov. 30. Rivers said she is relieved her sons' killers are heading to prison. "They have to sit there and feel every pain, everything that I feel," she said. "All I could hear every day is my son saying 'Mommy am I going to be alright? I'm not going to die, am I?'" ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Janet Re: Excel: make a Sunday line in a graph Dear Webby, I'm sure glad we got you! Nobody else knows your Excel tricks, and there is nothing in the Excel help about it. I got a graph, where I enter my blood sugar readings. I want the graph to show a line to indicate Sundays. How do I do that? Janet Dear Janet Lets say you choose vertical bars for the sugar readings, with the date below the bottom and the date numbers turned 90 degrees. You probably have a column for the date in your data part. Let's say that is column B and you have the date there increasing by one every row. Start with row 4 and leave the first 3 rows for headers. Don't worry about getting the date number. Just type in the date like 10/16/2016 into B4 If the maximum in the sugar reading lines is 20, then put this formula into the column, where you have Sundays: =IF(WEEKDAY(B4,1)=1,$B$2,0) That formula checks to see if the day code in B4 (using method 1, which is standard) =1 1 is the day code for Sunday, 2 is Monday, 3 is Tuesday, and so on. So, if it IS 1 (Sunday), then the formula uses whatever you have in B2. That number should be a bit bigger than the maximum expected sugar reading, for example 20. If the day code is NOT 1, then the number is 0 You COULD hardwire the 20 from B2 into the formula, but then, if you have to change that to a lower or higher number, you would have to change that in every line. This way you just change it in the look-up cell: B2 Clear enough? Have FUN! DearWebby >From Max The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Another five minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
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Daily tip from Holiday Candle Holders By Donna [362 Posts, 373 Comments] This is a great looking and easy to make project for any holiday with a personalization of your stencil theme. Total Time: 1 hour Supplies: empty glass jar(s) with at least one smooth side self stick vinyl sheet (ask at any craft and many Dollar stores) scissors acrylic paint sponge brush(s) tea candle(s) string, twine, or rattan optional: corn kernels, beans, beads, or even pebbles for the bottom of the jar Steps: Draw or copy a shape onto the back of your sheet of vinyl. Cut it out, remove the backing and stick it directly onto your jar, smoothing out any bubbles. Paint your first coat of whatever color you choose onto your jar. It will be thin and streaky, that's OK you will let it dry a bit while making your second jar and come back for two or three coats more. Before the paint becomes totally dry peel off your cut out decal. If you wait until it drys it may pull off some paint and leave less clear edges. Once it is dry, tie some twine or rope along the top neck of the jar and add whatever seeds or beans into the bottom of the jar before adding your tea candle. They make a sweet centerpiece or decoration, don't you think? To avoid having the tea candles sitting at an angle like the right one in the picture, don't use beans or anything coarse for the ballast. Ballast is supposed to be heavy and even. Plaster of Paris with a tea candle pressed into it before it hardens makes a much safer ballast. However, unless you have cats who like knocking things over, you don't normally need a ballast. Gluing some of that sticky feeling drawer liner mesh onto the bottom (outside) is much safer. Also, unless you are a sadist who enjoys seeing people burn their fingers, include a few pieces of spaghetti. They work really well for lighting the candle, pilot lights and even BBQs. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind: 1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat). 6. Always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too. 11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should never generalize. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Don't use no double negatives. 17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23. Kill all exclamation points!!!! 24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth ahattering ideas. 26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a billion can use it correctly. 29. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement. 34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
every picture tells a story - awesome photography
____________________________________________________ A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm! The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mama and be cheerful." "I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful..." "You do that, doc! I gotta run now. Mama is waiting!" ____________________________________________________ A spammer had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." ____________________________________________________
The rare and elusive Spirit bear.
Today on October 26 in
1825 The Erie Canal opened in upstate New York. The 363-mile
canal connected Lake Erie and the Hudson River at a cost of

1854 Charles William Post was born. He was the inventor of
"Grape Nuts," "Postum" and "Post Toasties." 

1858 H.E. Smith patented the rotary-motion washing machine. 

1881 The "Gunfight at the OK Corral" took place in Tombstone,
AZ. The fight was between Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and
Doc Holiday and the Ike Clanton Gang. 

1905 Norway gained independence from Sweden. 

1942 The U.S. ship Hornet was sunk in the Battle of Santa
Cruz during World War II. 

1944 During World War II, the Battle of Leyte Gulf ended. The
battle was won by American forces and brought the end of the
Pacific phase of World War II into sight. 

1949 U.S. President Harry Truman raised the minimum wage from
40 to 75 cents an hour. 

1951 Winston Churchill became the prime minister of Great

1958 Pan American Airways flew its first Boeing 707 jetliner
from New York City to Paris. 

1962 The Soviet Union made an offer to end the Cuban Missile
Crisis by taking their missile bases out of Cuba if the U.S.
agreed to not invade Cuba and would remove Jupiter missiles
in Turkey. 

1967 The Shah of Iran crowned himself and his Queen after 26
years on the Peacock Throne. 

1972 U.S. National security adviser Henry Kissinger declared,
"Peace is at hand" in Vietnam. That was the admission of
defeat of the home front. 

1975 Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to
officially visit to the United States. 

1977 The experimental space shuttle Enterprise successfully
landed at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 

1979 South Korean President Park Chung-hee was shot to death
by Kim Jae-kyu, the head of the Korean Central Intelligence

1980 Israeli President Yitzhak Navon became the first Israeli
head of state to visit Egypt. 

1984 "Baby Fae" was given the heart of baboon after being
born with a severe heart defect. She lived for 21 days with
the animal heart. 

1985 Approximately 110,000 people marched past the U.S. and
Soviet embassies in London to pressure the two countries to
end their arms race. 

1988 Roussel Uclaf, a French pharmaceutical company,
announced it was halting the worldwide distribution of RU-
486. The pill is used to induce abortions. The French
government made the company reverse itself two days later. 

1988 Two whales were freed by Soviet and American
icebreakers. The whales had been trapped for nearly 3 weeks
in an Arctic ice pack. 

1990 The U.S. State Department issued a warning that
terrorists could be planning an attack on a passenger ship or

1990 Wayne Gretzky became the first NHL player to reach 2,000

1991 Former Washington Mayor Marion Barry arrived at a
federal correctional institution in Petersburg, VA, to begin
serving a six-month sentence for cocaine possession. 

1992 General Motors Corp. Chairman Robert Stempel resigned
after the company recorded its highest losses in history. 

1992 In Canada, voters rejected the Charlottetown accord,
which was designed to unify the country. 

1993 Deborah Gore Dean was convicted of 12 felony counts of
defrauding the U.S. government and lying to the U.S.
Congress. Dean was a central figure in the Reagan-era HUD

1994 Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime
Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty. 

1995 Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh Penguins) scored his 500th
National Hockey League (NHL) career goal against the New York
Islanders in his 605th game. He became the second-fastest
player to attain the plateau. Wayne Gretzky had reached 600
goals by his 575th NHL game. 

1998 A French lab found a nerve agent on an Iraqi missile

2001 It was announced that Fort Worth's Lockheed Martin won a
defense contract for $200 billion over 40 years. The
contract, for the "joint strike fighter," was the largest
defense contract in history. 

2002 Russian authorities pumped a gas into a theater where
separatist rebels held over 800 hostages. The gas killed 116
hostages and all 50 hostage-takers were killed by the gas or
gunshot wounds.

2016  smiled.

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Creating new icons 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Tuesday, October 25

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
California father jailed for 1,503 years 
for repeatedly raping his daughter
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 25, in 
1415 In Northern France, England won the Battle of Agincourt
over France during the Hundred Years' War. Almost 6000
Frenchmen were killed while fewer than 400 were lost by the

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. --- Lily Tomlin (1939 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Noella I called an old school friend on the telephone and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment". I was impressed.... On further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes, pots, and pans, with hot water... Under his wife's supervision. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?" ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rene Lopez, 41, Fresno, California California father jailed for 1,503 years for repeatedly raping his daughter A man has been given a 1,503-year prison sentence for repeatedly raping his teenage daughter over a four year period. Rene Lopez, 41, was sentenced to the longest-known prison sentence in Fresno Superior Court history, according to the Fresno Bee. A jury in September found Lopez guilty of 186 felony counts of sexual assault, including dozens of counts of rape of a minor. Prosecutors say Lopez’s daughter was first sexually abused by a family friend but that instead of protecting her, Lopez turned her into ‘a piece of property.’ They say the victim was raped two to three times a week from May 2009 to May 2013, when the girl got the courage to leave him. In announcing the punishment, Judge Edward Sarkisian Jr. told Lopez he is a ‘serious danger to society’ and noted that Lopez had never shown remorse and has blamed his daughter for his predicament. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Calla Re: Making icons Dear Webby, I need to make a bunch of icons for vision impaired people. Yes, I know there are tons of icons hidden in Windows and wherever, but I have to make new ones, mostly with just a letter or a number on them. What program do you recommend for that? Calla Dear Calla Icons are just .bmp pictures renamed to .ico Paint your icons 64 x 64 pixels, save them as .BMP files, and close the picture. Then rename them by using the file explorer to .ICO. Then you can highlight a shortcut, select properties, chanege Icon and select your just made .ico picture. There are programs available for making icons, some quite expensive, but all you really need is any graphics program, that will let you save files as .BMP. Have FUN! DearWebby At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to. One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender." The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service. Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Making a Mosquito Trap Because mosquitoes are attracted to the CO2 we breathe out, I started looking for ideas that used CO2 as the bait for the mosquito trap. I did think of dry ice but it does dissipate fairly quickly. I found a cached link on Google here. It seems to be active again now. I've rewritten the instructions some and hopefully it will work as well. Thanks to the students for their hard work on this project. I've used some of their photos for illustration. Supplies: 1 2 liter soda bottle a sharp knife black paper tape candy thermometer Take a 2 liter soda bottle. Cut off the top right below where it starts to narrow for the top, invert and place inside the lower half. Make a simple sugar syrup. Ingredients: 1 cup sugar 1 cup water 2 cups cool water 1 tsp. active dry yeast Directions: Bring 1 cup of the water to a boil. Dissolve the sugar into the boiling water. Once the sugar is dissolved completely, remove the pan from the heat. Stir in 2 cups cool water, stir well. Check the temperature of the syrup to make sure it is no hotter than 90 degrees F, if hotter, let cool to 90 degrees F, add 1 tsp. active dry yeast, no need to mix. Put syrup in the bottom part of the bottle, using the cut off neck piece, leave in place. Be sure to seal the two parts of the bottle with the tape. The fermenting yeast will release carbon dioxide. Put black paper around the bottle since mosquitoes like dark places and carbon dioxide. This mosquito trap will then start working.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love." "Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize hockey and wrestling!"
she's either channeling Aretha or had too much sugar - super cute!
____________________________________________________ Q: What did God say after creating man? A: "I can do so much better." Q: What did he say after he created woman? A: "OOOPS!!" And neither God nor man has rested since. ____________________________________________________ To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner. The food starts on the next page." ____________________________________________________
Great Halloween light show in Mobile, AL.
Today on October 25 in

1415 In Northern France, England won the Battle of Agincourt
over France during the Hundred Years' War. Almost 6000
Frenchmen were killed while fewer than 400 were lost by the

1812 During the War of 1812, the U.S. frigate United States
captured the British vessel Macedonian. 

1854 The Charge of the Light Brigade took place during the
Crimean War. The British were winning the Battle of Balaclava
when Lord James Cardigan received an order to attack the
Russians. He took his troops into a valley and suffered 40
percent caualties. Later it was revealed that the order was
the result of confusion and was not given intentionally. 

1870 The first U.S. trademark was given. The recipient was
the Averill Chemical Paint Company of New York City. 

1917 The Bolsheviks (Communists) under Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
seized power in Russia. 

1929 Alber B. Fall, of U.S. President Harding's cabinet, was
found guilty of taking a bribe. He was sentenced to a year in
prison and fined $100,000. 

1951 In Panmunjom peace talks concerning the Korean War
resumed after 63 days. 

1954 A U.S. cabinet meeting was televised for the first time.

1955 The microwave oven for home use was introduced by The
Tappan Company. 

1958 U.S. Marines withdrew from Beirut, Lebanon. They had
been sent in on July 25, 1958, to protect the nation's pro-
Western government. 

1960 The Accutron watch by the Bulova Watch Company was

1962 U.S. Ambassador Adlai Stevenson presented photographic
evidence to the United Nations Security Council. The photos
were of Soviet missile bases in Cuba. 

1971 The U.N. General Assembly voted to expel Taiwan and
admit mainland China. 

1983 U.S. troops and soldiers from six Caribbean nations
invaded Grenada to restore order and provide protection to
U.S. citizens after a recent coup within Grenada's Communist
(pro-Cuban) government. 

1990 It was announced by U.S. Defense Secretary Dick Cheney
that the Pentagon was planning to send 100,000 more troops to
Saudi Arabia. 

2000 AT&T Corp. announced that it would restructure into a
family of four separately traded companies (consumer,
business, broadband and wireless). 

2001 It was announced that scientists had unearthed the
remains of an ancient crocodile which lived 110 million years
ago. The animal, found in Gadoufaoua, Niger, grew as long as
40 feet and weighed as much as eight metric tons. 

2016  smiled.

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How to make desktop icons on W10 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Monday, October 24

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
First Lesbian Bishop Orders Church Crosses Replaced 
with Islamic Symbols
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 23, in 
1632 Scientist Anthony van Leeuwenhoek was born in Delft,
Holland. He created the first microscope lenses that were
powerful enough to observe single-celled animals. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had. --- I. F. Stone (1907 - 1989) Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --- Douglas Adams ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Chris for sending back this one: (I know, good jokes always come back, but has it been a year already ?) Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now empty hole." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her pants, she says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ There once was a conservative college in the east coast that had a standing rule, the heat was to be turned on in the dormitories when the school went on winter time. Unfortunately, this year, winter decided to start a bit earlier. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The thermostat was turned up rather hastily. ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Lillemor for this picture I was trying to park and finally I had to get out to scare the iguana away becouse he was in the space... he was funny as he didn’t even care how close the car came, he just knew I wouldnt hurt him. Kind of cool-I like them ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Eva Brunne, Bishop Stockholm, Sweden First Lesbian Bishop Orders Church Crosses Replaced with Islamic Symbols Here is a clear case of religious suicide. The Bishop of Stockholm has proposed a church in her diocese (of course it is not HER church) remove all signs of the cross and put down markings showing the direction to Mecca for the benefit of Muslim worshippers. Eva Brunne, who was made the world’s first openly lesbian bishop by the church of Sweden in 2009, and has a young son with her wife and fellow lesbian priest Gunilla Linden, made the suggestion to make those of other faiths more welcome. This kind of decision has unexpected consequences. First off, the first wave of Sharia Islamists are within their rights to take the lesbian bishop up to the steeple and throw her off. After all, she is a an Infidel, a woman speaking in public and she is homosexual…all crimes deserving death. Then they will burn the church down to celebrate. The church targeted is the Seamen’s mission church in Stockholm’s eastern dockyards. The Bishop held a meeting there this year and challenged the priest to explain what he’d do if a ship’s crew came into port who weren’t Christian but wanted to pray. Calling Muslim guests to the church “angels“, the Bishop later took to her official blog to explain that removing Christian symbols from the church and preparing the building for Muslim prayer doesn’t make a priest any less a defender of the faith. Rather, to do any less would make one “stingy towards people of other faiths”. The bishop insisted this wasn’t an issue, after all airports and hospitals already had multi-faith prayer rooms, and converting the dockyard church would only bring it up to speed. Regardless, the announcement has aroused protest. Father Patrik Pettersson, one of the priests in her diocese and active in the same parish as the Seaman’s mission church has hit back in a blog of his own, complaining there is no way you could equate a consecrated church with a prayer room, remarking “I should have thought a bishop would be able to tell the difference”. The actual priest at the Seaman’s mission was left nonplussed by the comments of the Bishop when contacted by for comment. As an independent mission the church operates outside of the diocese, and so the bishop has no authority there, a fact reflected by the response of the church director who said the bishop’s words were her business alone. When asked whether she would be removing the cross from her church, Kiki Wetterberg responded: “I have no problem with Muslim or Hindu sailors coming here and praying. But I believe that we are a Christian church, so we keep the symbols. If I visit a mosque I do not ask them to take down their symbols. It’s my choice to go in there”. The upper echelons of the Church of Sweden, much like other national churches across Europe, seem to be fully invested in the diversity mission. A parish church in multicultural paradise Malmö declared it would be holding a service in solidarity with the local Muslim community as a protest against a march by anti-Islamisation movement PEGIDA in the city. The priest responsible told media: “During the protest, the Swedish Church is going to hold a service where we express joy for our city and our Muslim friends. “There is strong support for diverse cultures in Malmö and it is important that the church is there to support that”. Malmö is Sweden’s gateway to Europe, and is the main point of ingress to the Nordic nations for the thousands of migrants travelling through Europe from Africa and the East who have decided to make it home. Source: Breitbart As a major bottleneck into the region, with a single bridge and ferry route connecting the country to the rest of Europe, the arrival of these migrants has heralded an unprecedented level of criminality in the city. Describing the ‘no-go’ zones that have sprung up around the city and calling for greater border controls to get criminal migration under control, Chief Superintendent Torsten Elofsson said: “Years ago you could go with two officers, no problem. Now you have to send four officers and two cars – if the fire brigade want to go, they have to take a police escort. They throw stones and try to stop the fireman from putting out fires. “They sabotage the police cars. You can’t leave them unguarded – when you come back to it you find the windows smashed and the tyres deflated. It isn’t quite a no-go zone, but we have had to develop special routines to go there”. Of course the bishop is a liberal, so she never sees the problems. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Carol Re: Make icons on W10 Dear Webby, Would you tell me how to make icons on my desktop? It does not work the same way with 10 as it did with previous versions. Thanks, Carol Dear Carol I have so far avoided W10, but according to the instructions the procedure is the same. Use the file explorer to find the program that you want an icon for, right-click on its ".exe" file and select Send To > Desktop (Create shortcut). You will see that its shortcut has been created on your Windows desktop. If you have a stash of better icons, right-click that icon, Properties, Change Icon, and browse to the one, that you want. Have FUN! DearWebby A Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Californian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Californian was waiting for the government to pay his."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Personalized Serving Tray By Sandy [55 Posts, 45 Comments] Total Time: 8 hours depending on how long the urethane needs to dry Yield: 1 Supplies: 1 wooden tray stain - Minwax penetrating stain 2 latex gloves to protect your hands saying - I used one from the Dollar store wood glue - Titebond III 4 wood beads, marbles or whatever you choose for the bottom Minwax spar urethane spray finish Steps: I sanded the wood tray; just to be sure there were no rough edges. Stain the tray making sure to use the gloves! Let the stain dry completely before moving on to the next step. This might take overnight, depending on what time of day you get started. Choose the placement of your message. Apply the saying. I used a urethane spray finish over the entire tray, (top, sides, and bottom). Again, this will need to dry before going to the next step. I used Titebond III wood glue to affix the wood beads to the bottom of the tray. You are now ready to enjoy or give as a gift.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?". Without any hesitation, the little boy replied "Broccoli!"
Crankin' Up the 3-String Shovel Guitar!
____________________________________________________ Test answers: - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from synners. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house and increases the population. ____________________________________________________ Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All these years we've been setting our clock by your whistle. ____________________________________________________
It's Fall y'all!
Today on October 24 in
1632 Scientist Anthony van Leeuwenhoek was born in Delft,
Holland. He created the first microscope lenses that were
powerful enough to observe single-celled animals. 

1648 The Holy Roman Empire was effectively destroyed by the
Peace of Westphalia that brought an end to the Thirty Years

1795 The country of Poland was again divided up between
Austria, Prussia, and Russia.

1836 Alonzo D. Phillips received a patent for the phosphorous
friction safety match. 

1861 The first transcontinental telegraph message was sent
when Justice Stephen J. Field of California transmitted a
telegram to U.S. President Lincoln. 

1901 Daredevil Anna Edson Taylor became the first person to
go over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. She was 63 years

1929 In the U.S., investors dumped more than 13 million
shares on the stock market. The day is known as "Black

1931 The upper level of the George Washington Bridge opened
for traffic between New York and New Jersey. 

1939 Nylon stockings were sold to the public for the first
time in Wilmington, DE. 

1940 In the U.S., the 40-hour workweek went into effect under
the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938. 

1945 The United Nations (UN) was formally established less
than a month after the end of World War II. 

1948 The term "cold war" was used for the first time. It was
in a speech by Bernard Baruch before the Senate War
Investigating Committee. 

1960 All remaining American-owned property in Cuba was
nationalized. The process of nationalizing all U.S. and
foreign-owned property in Cuban had begun on August 6, 1960. 

1962 During the Cuban Missile Crisis, U.S. military forces
went on the highest alert in the postwar era in preparation
for a possible full-scale war with the Soviet Union. The U.S.
blockade of Cuba officially began on this day. 

1969 Richard Burton bought his wife Elizabeth Taylor a 69-
carat Cartier diamond ring for $1.5 million. Burton presented
the ring to Taylor several days later. 

1986 Britain broke off relations with Syria after a Jordanian
was convicted in an attempted bombing. The evidence in the
trial led to the belief that Syria was involved in the attack
on the Israeli jetliner. 

1992 The Toronto Blue Jays became the first non-U.S. team to
win the World Series. 

2001 The U.S. House of Representatives approved legislation
that gave police the power to secretly search homes, tap all
of a person's telephone conversation and track people's use
of the Internet. 

2001 The U.S. stamp "United We Stand" was dedicated. 

2001 NASA's 2001 Mars Odyssey spacecraft successfully entered
orbit around Mars. 

2002 Microsoft Corp. and Walt Disney Co. announced the
release of an upgraded MSN Internet service with Disney

2003 In London, the last commercial supersonic Concorde
flight landed.

2016  smiled.

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Mysterious old icons 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Sunday, October 23

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Ohio man jailed after donating bag to charity with 
pictures of him raping toddler inside
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 23, in 
1915 Approximately 25,000 women demanded the right to 
vote with a march in New York City, NY.

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. --- Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ "What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked Little Mary's mother. Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?" "Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied. "Nothing." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect woman (or man) you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. Which one would you offer a ride ? Here is what I would do: I would give the car keys to my old friend, so that he can warm up while he takes the old lady to the hospital. And I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams, and hope the bus is stuck in the snow somehwere." ______________________________________________________ Cascade Mountain in Banff from FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Gary Sovie, 49, Columbus, Ohio Ohio man jailed after donating bag to charity with pictures of him raping toddler inside A man who donated a bag to charity that contained photos of him raping a toddler has been jailed for 17 years. Gary Sovie, 49, had given a tote bag of belongings into a second-hand store in Columbus, Ohio, which also contained the photographs. A Salvation Army worker found 32 photos, some showing a naked young girl and others showing the man sexually assaulting the child. It’s believed the Polaroids date as far back as 1999. The bag was traced back to Sovie by the authorities because, as well as the photos, it also contained some of his post and receipts. When he was arrested, Sovie told officers that he’s a ‘very sick person’. The victim’s mother told the court that the photos were taken when her daughter was between 16 and 18 months old. She also told local station WBNS-TV that her daughter ‘never suspected this. She has no memory. She has no recollection of this incident. ‘I was beside myself. This was my child. This was my whole world’. Sovie pleaded guilty to rape and pandering sexually orientated matter involving a minor. He was sentenced to 17 years in prison, and fined $35,000 (£28,600) as well as court costs. He has also been placed on the sex offenders’ register. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Gina Re: Old icons Dear Webby, I have a lot of old icons which at one time were in frequent enough use so that I shortened the title under them. But now I got too many of those No-Name icons. What is the easiest way to find out what each of them is about, without starting up what they stand for ? Thanks, Gina Dear Gina click on an icon to highlight it, hold down the ALT key and double-click it. That gives you all the info you might want and probably alot more. Have FUN! DearWebby A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. So that he would not be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back woods until he reached his wife's house just shortly after the police stake-out departed. When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed, "You lousy bum! Where and with whom have you been? You escaped two days ago!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Removing Labels from Glass Jars By lalala... [774 Posts, 103 Comments] In my quest to reclaim a Mason jar (specifically Classico pasta sauce jars) I needed to soak off the labels. I submerged the jars in hot water and let them sit until the paper was easy to pull off. The best part with the Classico jars is that the glue they use is also water soluble! So I was able to remove the glue with hot soapy water. With other jar, I removed the glue with Goo Gone and a paper towel. I was amazed at how well this worked! Steam from a regular steam iron works well and very fast with any label I have ever come across. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons." "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," Willie said, "If nobody ain't got no crayons, then what happened to all them crayons that nobody ain't not got?"
cat says no more to bath
____________________________________________________ Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. "But on the other hand, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post stuff to Yahoo groups." ____________________________________________________ According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. ____________________________________________________
If I could paint like this I would spend all my time painting!
Today on October 23 in
1864 During the U.S. Civil War, Union forces led by Gen.
Samuel R. Curtis defeated the Confederate forces in Missouri
that were under Gen. Stirling Price. 

1910 Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a public
solo airplane flight in the United States. 

1915 Approximately 25,000 women demanded the right to vote
with a march in New York City, NY. 

1929 In the U.S., the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged
starting the stock-market crash that began the Great

1942 During World War II, the British began a major offensive
against Axis forces at El Alamein, Egypt. 

1944 During World War II, the Battle of Leyte Gulf began. 

1946 The United Nations General Assembly convened in New York
for the first time. 

1956 Hungarian citizens began an uprising against Soviet
occupation. On November 4, 1956 Soviet forces enter Hungary
and eventually suppress the uprising. 

1956 NBC broadcasted the first videotape recording. The tape
of Jonathan Winters was seen coast to coast in the U.S. 

1958 Russian poet and novelist Boris Pasternak was awarded
the Nobel Prize for literature. He was forced to refuse the
honor due to negative Soviet reaction. Pasternak won the
award for writing "Dr. Zhivago". 

1962 During the Cuban Missile Crisis, the U.S. naval
"quarantine" of Cuba was approved by the Council of the
Organization of American States (OAS). 

1962 The U.S. Navy reconnaissance squadron VFP-62 began
overflights of Cuba under the code name "Blue Moon." 

1971 The U.N. General Assembly voted to expel Taiwan and seat
Communist China. 

1973 U.S. President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over the
subpoenaed tapes concerning the Watergate affair. 

1978 China and Japan formally ended four decades of hostility
when they exchanged treaty ratifications. 

1985 U.S. President Reagan arrived in New York to address the
U.N. General Assembly. 

1989 Hungary became an independent republic, after 33 years
of Soviet rule. 

1992 Japanese Emperor Akihito became the first Japanese
emperor to stand on Chinese soil. 

1995 Russian President Boris Yeltsin and U.S. President Bill
Clinton agree to a joint peacekeeping effort in the war-torn

1998 Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and
Palestinian Chairman Yasser Arafat reach a breakthrough in a
land-for-peace West Bank accord. 

1998 Japan nationalized its first bank since World War II. 

2000 Universal Studios Consumer Products Group (USCPG) and
Amblin Entertainment announced an unprecedented and exclusive
three-year worldwide merchandising program with Toys "R" Us,
Inc. The deal was for the rights to exclusive "E.T. The
Extra-Terrestrial" merchandise starting in fall 2001. The
film was scheduled for re-release in the spring of 2002. 

2001 NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft began orbiting Mars. In
2010, it became the longest-operating spacecraft ever sent to

2016  smiled.

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What resolution for pictures? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Saturday, October 22

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Floriduh Women vandalize home with duct tape, animal feces
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 22, in 
1797 Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first recorded parachute
jump. He made the jump from about 3,000 feet. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy. --- Janet Long A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun." --- Cato Integrity is doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? I'm from West Virginia. Tings get a lot more complicated there. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. "Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. "This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather! "And you think you have family problems!" ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Nikki Rowena Sismanidis, 18, Jasmine Marie Suarez, 19, Gainesville, Floriduh Floriduh Women vandalize home with duct tape, animal feces Two Gainesville women were arrested Saturday afternoon after police said they broke into the home of an acquaintance and vandalized the bedroom using duct tape and animal feces, according to a Gainesville Police Department report. Police said Nikki Rowena Sismanidis, 18, and Jasmine Marie Suarez, 19, both of whom reside at 1000 SW 62nd Blvd., allegedly broke into the Southwest Ninth Way home of a common friend. Once inside, the pair allegedly placed strips of duct tape on the victim’s bedroom walls, which caused damage to the painted walls when later removed, the report said. Also, a large portion of one wall was covered in a pattern using duct tape that spelled out an expletive and police said the pair planted animal feces on the victim's bed. The victim told police that Sismanidis has become hostile in the past when she chooses not to hang out with her, and on the previous day, the victim did not respond to texts from Sismanidis asking the victim to hang out. According to the report, both Sismanidis and Suarez admitted their involvement in the burglary and vandalism during a phone conversation with the victim and they arrived during the officers on-scene investigation and admitted their involvement to police. Both Sismanidis and Suarez were arrested and charged with burglary and criminal mischief. They were taken to the Alachua County jail, where they were released Sunday on their own recognizance. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Doris Re: Printer resolution Dear Webby, What is the best dots per inch resolution for saving pictures in? Doris Dear Doris Save an original in the highest resolution possible. If disk space is limited, you can save cropped or edited versions at lower resolutions, but save the original! If a picture is for the net, 72 DPI is enough, though sometimes you can fake a higher resolution by for example saving a picture at a larger size and then forcing the browser to recalculate to a smaller size. It slows down the page, but occasionally makes a picture look sharper. When it comes to printing, nowadays the sharpness is set during the page set-up. If you select inkm or toner saving mode, the picture will not be as clear and sharp as when you select Best Quality. Toner Saving mode is "Good enough for Government work". If you have to scan anything to send to the governement, or even a prescription to fax to Costco, the lowest quality is good enough. It is still quite readable. To hang it on the wall, use highest quality. With today's printers, don't worry about dots per inch. Have FUN! DearWebby At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Mummy Pizzas By lalala... [775 Posts, 103 Comments] These tasty pizzas are really easy to make and easy to customize for picky eaters. Just about any topping can be layered underneath the cheese. Ingredients: English muffins string cheese mini pepperoni spaghetti sauce black olives, sliced additional toppings, optional Steps: Split the English muffins in half and arrange them on a baking sheet. Then spread spaghetti sauce onto each muffin. Add mini pepperoni to the muffins. Then add olive slices. Pull apart the string cheese into strips and lay them onto the muffins, criss crossing the strings of cheese. Add two olive slices to each pizza and put a mini pepperoni in the center for the eyes. Bake at 350 degrees F for 10-12 minutes, or until cheese is melted.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening." Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that." "Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,' 'Stop,' and 'Don't!'"
They had a noise complaint from the neighbors
____________________________________________________ Settings WILL be changed! ____________________________________________________ Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they escape?" ____________________________________________________
Beautiful ethereal paintings on fallen leaves.
Today on October 22 in

1746 The College of New Jersey was officially chartered. It
later became known as Princeton University. 

1797 Andre-Jacques Garnerin made the first recorded parachute
jump. He made the jump from about 3,000 feet. 

1836 Sam Houston was inaugurated as the first
constitutionally elected president of the Republic of Texas. 

1844 This day is recognized as "The Great Disappointment"
among those who practiced Millerism. The world was expected
to come to an end according to the followers of William

1879 Thomas Edison conducted his first successful experiment
with a high-resistance carbon filament. 

1907 The Panic of 1907 began when depositors began
withdrawing money from many New York banks. 

1939 The first televised pro football game was telecast from
New York. Brooklyn defeated Philadelphia 23-14. 

1954 The Federal Republic of Germany was invited to join the
North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 

1962 U.S. President Kennedy went on radio and television to
inform the United States about his order to send U.S. forces
to blockade Cuba. The blockade was in response to the
discovery of Soviet missile bases on the island. 

1968 Apollo 7 splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean. The
spacecraft had orbited the Earth 163 times. 

1975 Air Force Technical Sergeant Leonard Matlovich was
discharged after publicly declaring his homosexuality. His
tombstone reads " "A gay Vietnam Veteran. When I was in the
military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a
discharge for loving one." 

1979 The ousted Shah of Iran, Mohammad Riza Pahlavi,
installed in Iran by the US but later abandoned, was allowed
into the U.S. for medical treatment. 

1981 The Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization
was decertified by the federal government for its strike the
previous August. 

1983 At the Augusta National Golf Course in Georgia, an armed
man crashed a truck through front gates and demanded to speak
with U.S. President Ronald Reagan. 

1986 U.S. President Reagan signed the Tax Reform Act of 1986
into law. 

1998 Pakistan's carpet weaving industry announced that they
would begin to phase out child labor. 

1999 China ended its first-ever human rights conference in
which it defied Western definitions of civil liberties. 

1999 The U.N. Security Council voted to send 6,000 troops to
Sierra Leone to oversee a peace plan that had been signed in

2008 The iTunes Music Store reached 200 million applications

2010 The Internation Space Station set the record (3641 days)
for the longest continuous human occupation of space. It had
been continously inhabited since November 2, 2000. 

2014 The iPad Air 2 was released in the U.S. 

2016  smiled.

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MailWasher on Android 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, October 21
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
58-year-old woman beats rapist with crowbar, 
knocks him unconscious
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 21, in 
1918 Margaret Owen set a typing speed record of 170 words 
per minute on a manual typewriter. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts. --- Bethania McKenstry ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do you think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?" "Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ >From Edison As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you worthless morons fall out!" As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained standing at attention. The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure were a lot of 'em, huh sir?" ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dorval Grice, 30, Chicago, Illinois 58-year-old woman beats rapist with crowbar, knocks him unconscious A 58-year-old woman was able to defend herself during a sexual assault by beating her attacker with a crowbar and knocking him unconscious. Dorval Grice, the woman’s longtime neighbor, has been charged with home invasion and aggravated criminal sexual assault. Prosecutors said the woman was sleeping in her Chicago home Monday when Grice, 30, broke in through an unlatched living room window, according to DNAinfo The woman woke up to Grice pulling her hair and demanding sex. Prosecutors said when the woman refused his demands, he punched her in the head several times, pulled off her underwear and forced himself on her. The woman was able to break free and beat Grice in the head with a mug she was able to grab from her nightstand. She then reached for a crowbar that she keeps nearby for protection and beat him unconscious, according to prosecutors. The woman called 911, and police arrived to find her covered in blood. She was taken to a nearby hospital for evaluation. Grice is being held on $250,000 bail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Robert Re: Mailwasher on cell phone Dear Webby, does mailwasher have version to work with a cell phone (Android)? Robert Dear Robert Yes, sure. They even have an app for Android. Basically, MailWasher works on the server level, and cleans the mail up there, without downloading more than the header. With your widdle Android Pokemon-Chaser that is quite important! MailWasher users have enjoyed that benefit since the mid 90's. We don't download the crap and THEN wash it. We let MailWasher wash it on the server. You get a safe digest of what is up on the server, with anything suspicious already marked for deleting. It exposes hidden, underlying addreses and helps you make quick decisions. You can additionally make filters to override all that helpfulness. For example, if aunt Martha often mixes up Vinegar and the stuff mentioned in spam, you can mark her as a Friend, or even make a filter to safeguard her entire family. You can use all the regular expressions in filters, like and, and not, and not but if, and-or, etc. And you do it all with pull-down selectors. It is quite civilized and has been around for about 20 years now. Mailwasher also has a recycle bin. You can rescue deleted mails from there. Have FUN! DearWebby From Bella, a classic I have not printed for years: The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet. One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman com- mented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off." "See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Choosing Storage Containers By ShirleyE [107 Posts, 66 Comments] I am a naturally untidy and disorganised person and this one tip makes a huge difference to the state of my cupboards shelves and drawers: Never impulse buy a storage container, whether it's for food, finances, crafts, shoes, nuts and bolts or toys. You know how it is, you finally decide it's about time you sorted out your mess, so with great enthusiasm you hit the shops and come home with cute stylish, neat or innovative storage solutions only to find they don't fit in the cupboard or on the shelf Take time to measure your spaces, write down the measurements and take them with you to the store together with a tape measure. Buy only containers that are going to fit the space rather than how they look and your surroundings will be 10 times more manageable and easier to keep tidy once you are sorted.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
At one point in my life I had considered joining the Baptist Church. For those of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person. Luckily I even knew a minister in that faith, since I was dating his daughter and it was her idea to start out with. I asked him if he would consider performing the service. He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look and said, "Well, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have to find a place to anchor you overnight."
car soccer game
____________________________________________________ The teller had just been robbed for the third time by the same man, and was being asked by a police officer if she had noticed anything specific about the criminal. "Well, yes," said the teller. "He appears to be better dressed each time." ____________________________________________________ Laura's husband, Ron, was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue." "Yes, I know." said Ron. "It's my wife Laura, she is out of control." "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have ?" asked the banker. "Frankly," replied Ron with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her." ____________________________________________________
What an imagination! Realistic pumpkin carvings.
Today on October 21 in
1797 "Old Ironsides," the U.S. Navy frigate Constitution, was
launched in Boston's harbor. 

1805 The Battle of Trafalgar occurred off the coast of Spain.
The British defeated the French and Spanish fleet. 

1849 The first tattooed man, James F. O’Connell, was put on
exhibition at the Franklin Theatre in New York City, NY. 

1858 The Can-Can was performed for the first time in Paris. 

1879 Thomas Edison invented the electric incandescent lamp.
It would last 13 1/2 hours before it would burn out. 

1917 The first U.S. soldiers entered combat during World War
I near Nancy, France. 

1918 Margaret Owen set a typing speed record of 170 words per
minute on a manual typewriter. 

1925 The photoelectric cell was first demonstrated at the
Electric Show in New York City, NY. 

1925 The U.S. Treasury Department announced that it had fined
29,620 people for prohibition (of alcohol) violations. 

1944 During World War II, the German city of Aachen was
captured by U.S. troops. 

1945 Women in France were allowed to vote for the first time.

1950 Chinese forces invaded Tibet. 

1959 The Guggenheim Museum was opened to the public in New
York. The building was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. 

1967 Thousands of demonstrators marched in Washington, DC, in
opposition to the Vietnam War. 

1983 The Pentagon reported that 2,000 Marines were headed to
Grenada to protect and evacuate Americans living there. 

1991 Jesse Turner, an American hostage in Lebanon, was
released after nearly five years of being imprisoned. 

1994 North Korea and the U.S. signed an agreement requiring
North Korea to halt its nuclear program and agree to

2003 The U.S. Senate voted to ban what was known as partial
birth abortions. 

2003 North Korea rejected U.S. President George W. Bush's
offer of a written pledge not to attack in exchange for the
communist nation agreeing to end its nuclear weapons program.

2016  smiled.

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When will spam laws start to work? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, October 20

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida man robs salesman he knows at gunpoint, 
sends apology text.
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 20, in 
1740 Maria Theresa became the ruler of Austria, Hungary and
Bohemia with the death of her father, Holy Roman Emperor
Charles VI. She was as influential on Europe as Queen
Victoria was on England.
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. --- Joseph Conrad (1857 - 1924) This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married. "It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A few years ago Bob went to visit his brother who was stationed in Germany. He assumed that enough Germans would speak English so that he could at least get around. But he found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched Bob's ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. Bob just nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked Bob if he spoke German. "No," he confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train going in the wrong direction." ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Romelson Faustin, 20, Fort Myers, Floriduh Florida man robs salesman he knows at gunpoint, sends apology text. A Florida man was arrested on Wednesday after deputies said he robbed a car salesman at gunpoint and texted him about 45 minutes later with an apology. Romelson Faustin, 20, entered a Fort Myers-area car dealership on Wednesday with another man and held a gun at one of the salesmen, demanding his money, WINK reports. The salesman, Anthony Spinella, said he was familiar with Faustin as he had been making payments toward a car with the dealership since September. Police: Fla. man breaks grandma's hand over video game Spinella told WINK that after being robbed by Faustin, he received a text from the 20-year-old that said “Bro, I was on Mollies, I’m sorry.” “He just said give me the money that’s in your pockets,” Spinella said. “So then he texted me about an hour — 45 minutes later.” Deputies said the man with Faustin got away with $400 in cash and was not in the car when authorities arrested Faustin later on Wednesday. He now faces felony charges of robbery with a firearm and possession of cocaine. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Wilhelm Re: Spam laws Dear Webby, When are those new spam laws going to start working ? Since they became law, the spam in my mail has increased 20% ? I am gong NUTS! Wilhelm Dear Wilhelm You ARE nuts if you believe those laws will help you. They just legalize spam and protect the Senators and other spammers. Just get Mailwasher from the link on the side. Go ahead and get the PRO version. After that, slowly tune it by making filters against stuff that shows up frequently. Then enjoy dumping hundreds of spams every morning. Unread, hidden. You just see in the status line a cheery message like "823 emails hidden from list". Hit PROCESS or F6, and they have all gone to hell, unread. A nice way to start the day! Have FUN! DearWebby A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, and in a more satisfying way than anybody has ever done it for you before, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint... my... house."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Inexpensive Stepping Stones .... By Helmut [9 Posts, 147 Comments] There is a much easier way to do that. Get a bag of ordinary ready-mix concrete and some chicken mesh. Peel the lawn where you want a step, round, heart shaped, like a Sasquatch imprint, whatever, and hammer the dirt below it nice and hard. Pour some ready mix into the hole. Use a planter trowel or mini shovel to mix it with some water, poke the chickenmesh down below the surface, agitate the mess a bit and smooth it. Yes, mix it right in the hole, no need for dirtying a separate mixing container! If you want, you can add marble or brick planter topping, and pat it in. As a kid in the 50's I wrote the date into one with small white pebbles. After an hour use a brush or broom and a bit of water to clean the topping, or to add a bit of texture to the concrete. Shield it from the sun with cardboard or scrap wood for a day or two. That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
This one is from the days when Windows came on a stack of floppies instead of pre-installed at the factory in China. A polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office Did I do something wrong?"
" target="_blank" >"> dog stands on front legs to pee
____________________________________________________ The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl that he was seeing a therapist. "That's nothing." she replied. "I'm seeing a therapist, two engineers, a plumber and an electrician." ____________________________________________________ One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried!" Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?" "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!" ____________________________________________________
I wouldn't mind a long stay in this hotel surrounded by such beautiful scenery.
Today on October 20 in
1740 Maria Theresa became the ruler of Austria, Hungary and
Bohemia with the death of her father, Holy Roman Emperor
Charles VI. 

1774 The new Continental Congress, the governing body of
America’s colonies, passed an order proclaiming that all
citizens of the colonies "discountenance and discourage all
horse racing and all kinds of gaming, cock fighting,
exhibitions of shows, plays and other expensive diversions
and entertainment." Buncha Fuddy-Duddies!

1803 The U.S. Senate approved the Louisiana Purchase. 

1818 The U.S. and Great Britain established the boundary
between the U.S. and Canada to be the 49th parallel. 

1827 The Battle of Navarino took place during the Greek War
for Independence. 

1873 A Hippodrome was opened in New York City by showman
Phineus T. (P.T.) Barnum. 

1892 The city of Chicago dedicated the World's Columbian

1903 A joint commission ruled in favor of the U.S. concerning
a dispute over the boundary between Canada and the District
of Alaska. 

1910 A baseball with a cork center was used in a World Series
game for the first time. 

1935 Mao Zedong arrived in Hanoi after his Long March that
took just over a year. He then set up the Chinese Communist

1942 Pierre Laval told the French labor that they must serve
in Germany. 

1944 Allied forces invaded the Philippines. 

1944 During World War II, the Yugoslav cities of Belgrade and
Dubrovnik were liberated. 

1947 Hollywood came under scrutiny as the House Un-American
Activities Committee opened hearings into alleged Communist
influence within the motion picture industry. 

1952 The Mau Mau uprising against white settlers began in

1968 Jackie Lee Bouvier Kennedy married Aristotle Onassis. 

1984 The U.S. State Department reduced the number of
Americans assigned to the U.S. embassy in Beirut, Lebanon. 

1993 Attorney General Janet Reno warned the TV industry to
limit the violence in their programs. 

1994 The website was launched. 

1995 Britain, France and the U.S. announced a treaty that
banned atomic blasts in the South Pacific. 

2003 A 40-year-old man went over Niagara Falls without safety
devices and survived. He was charged with illegally
performing a stunt. 

2009 European astronomers discover 32 exoplanets.

2016  smiled.

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Is ScanGuard safe to download? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Wednesday, October 19
Thanks Donnie!!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Pennsylvania youth pastor demands divorce after 
raping and impregnating 15-year-old girl
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 18, in 
1812 Napoleon Bonaparte's French forces began their retreat
out of Russia after a month of chasing the retreating Russian
army. The Russians burned everything, leaving nothing for
looting and feeding the French.
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. --- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster. --- Quentin Crisp ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ NEW PASTA DIET Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping. Walk pasta pizza joint without stopping. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (from a large family ) answered, "Unfortunately that is 'Thou shall not kill.' " ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Wesley Ryan Blackburn, 35, New Paris, Pennsylvania Pennsylvania youth pastor demands divorce after raping and impregnating 15-year-old girl A Pennsylvania youth pastor demanded a divorce after his wife confronted him about raping and impregnating a teenage girl he met through church. Wesley Ryan Blackburn, who served until last week as youth pastor at Faith Brethren Bible Church in New Paris, was charged with 84 felony counts of statutory sexual assault, 84 misdemeanor counts of indecent assault and one felony count of corruption of minors, reported The Tribune-Democrat. The 35-year-old Blackburn, a father of five, revealed his relationship with the girl Oct. 5 and told his wife he no longer loved her and wanted a divorce. Blackburn’s wife told church pastor James Espenshade the following morning that her husband had engaged in sexual activity with a 15-year-old member of his youth group and gotten the teen pregnant. Espenshade and church deacons confronted Blackburn, who refused to speak to them — so they immediately fired the youth pastor and called police. “We didn’t even care what he had to say,” Espenshade said. “We don’t tolerate this kind of stuff — it’s inappropriate, it’s reprehensible. There was never a discussion of anything else. We had to do what was right.” A state trooper went to Blackburn’s office, where he found the man packing up his belongings, and interviewed him about the case. Blackburn said he met the girl in 2009, when he first came to the church, but they grew closer after she joined his youth group in 2014, when she was 13 or 14 years old. He said the relationship became sexual in March, and investigators said he admitted to impregnating the girl this year. State troopers arrested Blackburn at that point. Blackburn’s wife said she refused to sign divorce papers presented by her husband. The former youth pastor remains held on $200,000 bond. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Carol Re: Is ScanGuard safe to download? Dear Webby, Is ScanGuard safe to download? Thanks. Carol Dear Carol Probably not very dangerous, but absolutely not necessary. Since you have McAfee and Malwarebytes, then you are already fully protected. Even just the Windows Firewall and Windows Defender will give you as much or more protection than ScanGuard. So far there are no legitimate positive reviews, and nobody except ScanGuard says it is necessary. Have FUN! DearWebby The Sunday School teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Little Johnny who had drawn a old man driving an old car. In the back seat, there were two passengers, both scantily dressed. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Little Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he said "that's a Plymoth Fury like Uncle Ted's got up on blocks in his yard. And it says in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the paradise in a Fury!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Cleaning Stainless Steel Cookware Judy Pariser S. I got this terrific stainless steel whistling tea kettle at the church thrift shop yesterday for $2 (half price sale.) It was full of grease and dirt. The black handle had some white residue on it. I figured for $2 I could take a chance and see how the steel part cleaned up with a soap-filled pad. I assumed the handle would always be stained, but I could live with it. The lady working there told me to use a Magic Eraser instead of steel wool to clean it. I use the knock-offs from the dollar store. Within 2 minutes the entire kettle, including the bottom and handle, looked like new, and I only used half of one pad. I wish I had taken before pictures, but you can see the beautiful after results.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Motor Mania
____________________________________________________ The local boat dealer has a beautiful boat in the front lot. On it is a sign that reads: "Your wife called. She said to buy whatever you want!" ____________________________________________________ >From Victoria After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the U-Haul truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" ____________________________________________________
People are AWESOME for the month of September 2016.
Today on October 19 in
1765 In the U.S., The Stamp Act Congress met and drew up a
declaration of rights and liberties. 

1781 British General Charles Lord Cornwallis surrendered to
U.S. General George Washington at Yorktown, Virginia. It was
to be the last major battle of the American Revolutionary

1812 Napoleon Bonaparte's French forces began their retreat
out of Russia after a month of chasing the retreating Russian
army. The Russians burned everything, leaving nothing for
looting and feeding the French.

1814 In Baltimore, MD, the first documented performance of
"The Defence of Fort McHenry" with music took place at the
Holliday Street Theatre. The work was later published under
the title "The Star-Spangled Banner." 

1914 In the U.S. government owned vehicles were first used to
pick up mail in Washington, DC. 

1915 The U.S. recognized General Venustiano Carranza as the
president of Mexico. The U.S. imposed embargo to all parts of
Mexico except where Carranza was in control. 

1933 Basketball was introduced to the 1936 Olympic Games by
the Berlin Organization Committee. 

1943 The Moscow Conference of Foreign Ministers began in
Russia during World War II. Delegates from the U.S.S.R.,
Great Britain, the U.S., and China met to discuss war aims
and cooperation between the nations. 

1944 The U.S. Navy announced that black women would be
allowed into Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service

1950 The United Nations forces entered the North Korean
capital of Pyongyang. 

1951 U.S. President Truman signed an act officially ending
the state of war with Germany. 

1960 The United States imposed an embargo on exports to Cuba
covering all commodities except medical supplies and certain
food products in retaliation for Cuba nationalizing all
foreign owned plantations and companies.

1969 U.S. Vice President Spiro Agnew referred to anti-Vietnam
War protesters "an effete corps of impudent snobs." 

1977 The Concorde made its first landing in New York City. 

1987 The Dow Jones industrial average dropped 508 points. It
was the worst one-day percentage decline, 22.6%, in history. 

1989 The U.S. Senate rejected a proposed constitutional
amendment that barred the desecration of the American flag. 

1993 Benazir Bhutto was returned to the premiership of

1998 In Washington, DC, Microsoft went on trial to defend
against an antitrust case. 

1998 Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson got his boxing
license back after he had lost it for biting Evander
Holyfield's ear during a fight. 

2003 In London, magician David Blaine emerged from a clear
plastic box that had been suspended by a crane over the banks
of the Thames River. He survived only on water for 44 days.
Blaine had entered the box on September 5. 

2009 The international version of Amazon's Kindle 2 was

2016  smiled.

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Can you re-use old CDs? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Tuesday, October 18

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Four black Alabama men arrested in attack on 
white teen who said 'Blue lives matter'
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 18, in 

See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ First things first, but not necessarily in that order. --- Doctor Who "Success comes in cans, failure in can'ts." --- Socratex "He who seeks a friend without fault remains without." --- Old Turkish Proverb "Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." --- Scottish Proverb ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups. The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face. "What'd you do that for?" the man asked. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" "No," the man replied, "but if you look out that window,... do you see that sumo wrestler shaking that telephone pole? That's my wife with the hickups. Do you want me to call her to come in?" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking. There was a thick and heavy snow storm and a foot of snow on top of the icy hardpack that had covered the parking lot when they had arrived earlier. They jumped into the icy car and started it up. Suddenly they were in a hurry to get home and the driver floored the accelerator. After a couple of minutes in the thick snow storm, just as the car heater started to blow warm air, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver stomped down the accelerator even harder, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, yelled, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man's face reappeared in the heavy blizzard. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window, screaming at the driver: "Step on it!" The speedometer showed about 100 miles an hour now. They were trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "Do you guys want some help getting off that icy patch?" ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Bobby Brown, La Noah Ealy Jr., Daveon Nix, Quartez Walker. Four Alabama men arrested in attack on teen who said 'Blue lives matter' Four black men face assault charges in connection with the beating of a white Alabama high school student who had posted pro-police comments online, police confirmed Wednesday. The men, all former Sylacauga High School students, were arrested Tuesday after the Sept. 30 attack against 17-year- old Brian Ogle, Sylacauga Police Chief Kelley Johnson told reporters. Police have said the attack may have been racially motivated. Ogle's mother, Brandi Allen, says her son responded to students wearing Black Lives Matter T-shirts at his school with "Blue lives matter," a defense of police officers. Officers found him bleeding on the ground after a homecoming football game. He was hospitalized with serious head injuries. Twenty-year-old Quartez Walker and 19-year-old Bobby Brown were arrested at Stillman College. Eighteen-year-old La Noah Ealy, Jr. was arrested at Auburn University in Montgomery. Twenty-year-old Daveon Nix was arrested in Sylacauga. Nix is the son of Sylacauga District 2 City Councilwoman- elect Tiffany Nix, The Daily Home reported. "Instead of us planning for his 18th birthday, we're here. Why? Because he made a statement that he backs the blue? I'm still trying to understand how someone, no matter the color of their skin, can do this to another human being," Allen said as her son recovered in the hospital. "I don't wish any harm on anyone's child. I would like for them to have to look at my child right now. I don't want any other mother to have to go through what I went through these past few days." ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Morris B Re: Re-use CD's ? Dear Webby, We moved into the former office of a business that has closed down and we found boxes and boxes of used back-up CD's. So, we called the people who had been here. They said they were out of business and didn't care who knew what was on the CD's and that we were welcome to re-use them. Is it safe to re-use CD's ? Thanks, Morris B Dear Morris Yes, sure, especially with back-up CD's that have had very little use. Just erase them with your CD burner and use them like new ones. If they are really old, you might get only a couple of safe erases and reburns, but with the newer CDs you can get many re-uses out of them. Have FUN! DearWebby After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Reviving Tired Stiff Paintbrushes By ahorrasi [18 Posts, 13 Comments] Total Time: 1 hour to 24 hours Source: I had at one point purchased a pricey 'brush restorer' fluid but then I realized the same main ingredient was the same as the one found in common nail polish remover. Supplies: dirty, old, tired brushes nail polish remover soap paint thinner/turpentine/turpatine, etc. if needed (only relevant for oil based paints) Steps: To restore brushes ruined by dry acrylics, just soak them in nail polish remover for 24 hours and you will be amazed at the results. To fix brushes damaged by oil paints, only soak for an hour at most; for most stiffness due to not properly cleaning oil brushes, just a 20 minute soak will be enough. It is important not to leave the brushes in the nail polish solution for too long because the acetone will quickly wear away the brush bristle and make the brush frayed, which you do not want! So, especially if you have expensive brushes, test them frequently and pull them out of the solution as soon as you feel the stiffness go away. After you have soaked the brushes in the solution and felt their flexibility return, wash them thourougly with soap and warm water. This is important so as to get rid of the chemical that will eventually wear the brush away. NOTE: please be careful because the solution will wear down the paint of the brush as well. Try to only soak the metal part that adheres to the bristles. BONUS: restores paint! Say you're working on a great project, in acrylic, but you realize that your tube has dried up! Oh no! What to do? Rush out and buy more, or use the magic substance to reconstitute the paint? Yeah, that's right, the nail polish remover will reconstitute entire tubes of acrylics, gouache, and any other dried out water based paint! (turpentine and mineral spirits work for oils) Just add a few drops to a teaspoon of the stuff to the paint, stab the paint so that the fluid penetrates, leave it be for a half hour or more, and watch the paint reconstitute itself.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there in Italy." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, in Italy, they use cheap domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Motor Mania
____________________________________________________ A man was driving to work when a car ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. The other car slid into a gas pump and caused a fire. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab, saw a lot of fire and behind it a huge 'HELL' sign. Until somebody moved, I did not realize that there was an 'S'!" in front of the "HELL". ____________________________________________________ An older couple is sitting together watching television. During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial. "You know, I don't know. I don't think we even got a Christmas card from them this year." ____________________________________________________
Imaginative hand painting.
Today on October 18 in
1469 Ferdinand of Aragon married Isabella of Castile. The
marriage united all the dominions of Spain. 

1685 King Louis XIV of France revoked the Edict of Nantes,
which had established the legal toleration of the Protestant

1767 The Mason-Dixon line was agreed upon. It was the
boundary between Maryland and Pennsylvania. 

1842 Samuel Finley Breese Morse laid his first telegraph

1860 British troops burned the Yuanmingyuan at the end of the
Second Opium War to establish Britain's sole monopoly in
selling Opium in China.

1867 The U.S. took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.
The land was purchased of a total of $7 million dollars (2
cents per acre). 

1892 The first long-distance telephone line between Chicago,
IL, and New York City, NY, was opened. 

1898 The American flag was raised in Puerto Rico only one
year after the Caribbean nation won its independence from

1929 The Judicial Committee of England’s Privy Council ruled
that women were to be considered as persons in Canada. 

1944 Czechoslovakia was invaded by the Soviets during World
War II. 

1956 NFL commissioner Bert Bell disallowed the use of radio-
equipped helmets by NFL quarterbacks. 

1958 The first computer-arranged marriage took place on Art
Linkletter's show. 

1961 Henri Matiss' "Le Bateau" went on display at New York's
Museum of Modern Art. It was discovered 46 days later that
the painting had been hanging upside down. 

1968 Two black athletes, Tommie Smith and John Carlos, were
suspended by the U.S. Olympic Committee for giving a "black
power" salute during a ceremony in Mexico City. 

1969 The U.S. government banned artificial sweeteners due to
evidence that they caused cancer. 

1970 Quebec's minister of labor was found strangled to death
after eight days of being held captive by the Quebec
Liberation Front (FLQ). 

1983 General Motors agreed to hire more women and minorities
for five years as part of a settlement with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission. 

1985 South African authorities hanged black activist Benjamin
Moloise. Moloise had been convicted of murdering a police

1989 Egon Krenz became the leader of East Germany after Erich
Honecker was ousted. Honeker had been in power for 18 years. 

1989 The space shuttle Atlantis was launched on a mission
that included the deployment of the Galileo space probe. 

1990 Iraq made an offer to the world that it would sell oil
for $21 a barrel. The price level was the same as it had been
before the invasion of Kuwait. 

1997 A monument honoring U.S. servicewomen, past and present,
was dedicated at Arlington National Cemetery. 

2013 Saudi Arabia became the first nation to reject a seat on
the United Nations Security Council. Jordan took the seat on
December 6.

2016  smiled.

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Use data from other sheet on Excel work book 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Monday, October 17

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
911 operator charged for hanging up on callers
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 17, in 
1777 American troops defeated British forces in Saratoga, NY.
It was the turning point in the American Revolutionary War. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. --- Dick Cavett (1936 - ) A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you realized how seldom they do. --- Plato ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Gayle for these questions and answers about Mad Cow disease Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me? A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow. Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat? A. They say memory is affected. What was your question? Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane. A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a flock of geese. However, I don't allow them to fly over the house. Q. How can you detect Mad cow disease in a bull? A. He would be the one wearing high heels ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ This is a classic, that just came around again: New Medications for Women Only D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their lifestories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Crenshanda Williams, 43, Houston, Texas 911 operator charged for hanging up on callers A 911 operator is accused of intentionally hanging up on callers during emergencies simply because she was not in the mood to help, according to Houston police. Crenshanda Williams has been charged with interference with an emergency telephone call, according to KIAH. Williams had been employed as a telecommunicator with the Houston Emergency Center since July 2014, and supervisors began to notice that her logs revealed an abnormally high amount of “short calls,” with a duration of less than 20 seconds. Supervisors investigated the recorded call logs, and found that thousands of calls had been disconnected by Williams between Oct. 2015 and March 2016. At least one of the calls was for a robbery and homicide, and two were regarding speeding vehicles, police said. Williams raised suspicion on March 12, specifically, when she allegedly hung up on several callers – the first call was ended immediately after she picked it up. During the second call, an operator — identified as Williams — is heard answering “Houston 911, do you need medical, police or fire?” When the male caller responded, “This is a robbery,” Williams is heard sighing before hanging up, according to court documents. Investigators tracked down the robbery/shooting caller, who confirmed someone hung up the phone the first time he called in, frustrating him, and he had to call back a second time. By the time police arrived, a person was dead. Investigators said that the following day, Williams hung up on several more people, including a security officer who was attempting to report a dangerous street racing incident. The operator, again identified as Williams, said “Houston 911, do you need medical, police or fire?” The caller only had time to say “This is officer Molten. I’m driving on 45 South right now and I am at ……” before Williams ended the call. Although the call was disconnected, the recording captured Williams saying, “Ain’t nobody got time for this. For Real.” The officer called in again, and a different 911 operator picked up and assisted him. Investigators reached out to the officer, who also confirmed the “hang up call” on that day, records show. Police say Williams admitted to disconnecting the calls because she “did not want to talk to anyone at that time.” Investigators said Williams’ actions prevented and interfered with the callers’ ability to request assistance during an emergency and charges were filed against her. Williams’ bond was set at $1,000. B L & M ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Ada Re: Use data from other sheet on Excel work book Dear Webby, YES! Please tell us how to show data from sheet 2,3 4, etc on the top roundup sheet! Microsoft sure doesn't! Ada Dear Ada It is not really difficult at all, just a bit weird. In the late 80's Lotus sued Borland about allegedly copying their "Look and Feel", and later, when the big war between Microsoft and Borland started with almost monthly updates of even newer features, Microsoft used some rather weird ways to get the same thing done without doing it the same way. Linking in data from other sheets in a stack of woork sheets is easiest explained on an aexample. Make a stack of 3 or more worksheets and rename them by right clicking their tab and selecting RENAME to Jan, Feb, Mar, etc. Now imagine each sheet has your expenses and incomes, with a total on cell D 33 Go to cell D 33 on the MARch sheet, and enter a number. Hit Enter go back to that cell ALT I, N ENTER Type in a name, for example MARtotal ENTER Now that cell, where you have the totals for March, is named. Jump to the cover sheet, or JAN, or whatever you have named it, go to the spot where you need the March totals, type CTRL K Don't worry, it will get Microsofter yet! CTRL K lets you select a NAMED cell. That puts a rather useless link to that and it's name into the cell. Now, with the cursor on that cell, go up to the formula bar, and put an equal ign in front of the name, and *1 after it. That turns the name into a number, that you can use as a number to be summed together with others. Sometimes, it works even without the *1, however I continue using it. If the source number has a space in front or behind it due to sloppy copying, the *1 will produce an error message right there. That can save a lot of time troubleshooting at year end. Even though it is a weird way of going about it, it is well worth printing out this part or saving it. Sooner or later you will want to be able to use data, that is on different sheets. Have FUN! DearWebby I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $62.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, Sir. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned. "I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it. Luckily the next check-out lane had a lady working there and after I wrote my phone number on it, she accepted the hundred dollar bill.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Removing Skunk Smell from House By Busy Family [1 Comment] My Morkie just got sprayed by a skunk because he would not leave the skunk alone. Thankfully when my Rottie was sprayed a few years back I found the solution of 1/2 quart hydrogen peroxide, 1/4 cup of baking soda, and 2 tablespoons liquid Dawn soap in an open container. Works wonders.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Here is a nice old classic to start the day: A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great- grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren - and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Motor Mania
____________________________________________________ A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for Armageddon?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days." ____________________________________________________ A fellow who’s just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It’s actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue." "That’s impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 150 years! The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. "Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you’re right." ____________________________________________________
Scary vintage Halloween costumes from the past.
Today on October 17 in

1739 Thomas Coram was granted a Royal Charter from George II
so a "hospital for the maintenance and education of exposed
and deserted young children" in London, England. 

1777 American troops defeated British forces in Saratoga, NY.
It was the turning point in the American Revolutionary War. 

1888 The first issue of "National Geographic Magazine" was
released at newsstands. 

1931 Al Capone was convicted on income tax evasion and was
sentenced to 11 years in prison. He was released in 1939. 

1933 Dr. Albert Einstein moved to Princeton, NJ, after
leaving Germany. 

1945 Colonel Juan Peron became the dictator of Argentina
after staging a coup in Buenos Aires. 

1973 The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC)
began an oil-embargo against several countries including the
U.S. and Great Britain. The incident stemmed from Western
support of Israel when Egypt and Syria attacked Israel on
October 6, 1973. The embargo lasted until March of 1974. 

1978 U.S. President Carter signed a bill that restored full
U.S. citizenship rights to Confederate President Jefferson

1979 Mother Teresa of India was awarded the Nobel Peace

1987 U.S. First Lady Nancy Reagan underwent a modified
radical mastectomy at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. 

1989 An earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter Scale hit the
San Francisco Bay area in California. The quake caused about
67 deaths, 3,000 injuries, and damages up to $7 billion. 

1994 Israel and Jordan initialed a draft peace treaty. 

1994 The Angolan government and rebels agreed to a peace
treaty that ended their 19 years of civil war. 

1997 The remains of revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara were
laid to rest in his adopted Cuba, 30 years after his
execution in Bolivia. 

2000 In New York City, Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum opened to
the public. The 42nd Street location joined Tussaud's other
exhibitions already in London, Hong Kong, Amsterdam and Las

2001 Israel's tourism minister was killed. A radical
Palestinian faction claimed that it had carried out the
assassination to avenge the killing of its leader by Israel 2
months earlier. 

2001 Pakistan placed its armed forces on high alert because
of troop movements by India in the disputed territory of
Kashmir. India said that the movements were part of a normal
troop rotation. 

2001 Italian priest Giuseppe "Beppe" Pierantoni was kidnapped
by the terrorist group the "Pentagon." He was released on
April 8, 2002. 

2003 In the U.S., the Food and Drug Administration approved a
drug, known as memantine, to help people with Alzheimer's

2003 In Taipei, Taiwan, construction crews finished 1,676-
foot-tall-building called Taipei 101. The building was
planned to open for business in 2004. 

2003 In northwest England, the Carnforth railway station
reopened as a heritage center. 

2016  smiled.

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Go-To buttons in spreadsheets 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, October 13
Today I have to go to Calgary for injections into my
eyeballs. That means no Friday, Saturday, or Sunday

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC visitor in FL passes out in drive-through
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 13, in 
1792 The cornerstone of the Executive Mansion was laid in
Washington, DC. The building became known as the White House,
after the Canucks had burned it in 1812 and it was
subsequently whitewashed in in 1818. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Efficiency is intelligent laziness. --- Socratex "Whatever it is the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else." --- PJ Orourke ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Upon her engagement, the exuberant young woman went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ From the archives: Some funny news: Court TV Thursday June 07 07:56 PM EDT Ms Leibovitz heard rumors that there was sexual harrassment going on at New York City Transit and went to work there. However, when nobody lived up to that rumor and provided her with any sexual harrassment, she sued the Transit authority that having to worry about getting sexually harrassed or not, was a form of sexual harrassment and caused her to gain weight. She was originally awarded $60 000, however last Wednesday the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw out the jury award and reversed a lower court judge's ruling supporting it. As of now, not getting sexual harrassment is not a form of sexual harrassment. ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kevin Yonson, 28, South Carolina SC visitor in FL passes out in drive-through One is supposed to drive through a drive-through, not stop at the ordering speaker and pass out. That’s what happened to a couple who apparently had a Big Mac attack in the Middle Keys Tuesday night and couldn’t make it out of the McDonald’s drive-through. It resulted in several criminal charges being filed. The Monroe County Sheriff’s Office says Kevin Yonson, 28, of South Carolina was behind the wheel of a white Ford with a woman in the passenger seat. They ordered food about 10:30 p.m. but didn’t drive up to the window to pay and get their meal. So a McDonald’s employee went outside to find out what was going on and saw them asleep in the car, still at the ordering speaker. He called the Sheriff’s Office. Deputy Christopher Schwartz wrote in his report that when he approached the car, he saw the “female asleep, mouth open, with drool coming down her face.” He tried to wake her but she “continued to sit with her eyes closed.” She finally woke up and “looked at me as if she had no idea where she was.” She then shook Yonson awake. Schwartz told her stand behind the car; by that time, Deputy Garrett Bragg already had Yonson at the back of the car. Both smelled of alcohol, Schwartz wrote. Bragg asked Yonson to go through a field sobriety test. At first he agreed, then decided not to. He got combative and was yelling, Schwartz wrote. The deputy wrote that Yonson resisted being handcuffed. At one point, Bragg and Sgt. Nick Whiteman “grabbed” Yonson and “secured” him against the car. Schwartz then tried walking him to his cruiser but Yonson “lost his balance and stated I pushed him over.” After a minor scuffle, the police got Yonson into Schwartz’s cruiser. Turns out that Yonson isn’t who he told police he was. He didn’t have a driver’s license and initially gave his last name as Johnson, then admitted to who he really is. Turns out Yonson is a registered sex offender in West Virginia stemming from a Feb. 9, 2015, conviction there. He hadn’t registered in Monroe as a sex offender, as required by law. He also has three drunk-driving convictions in South Carolina, one in 2008 and two last year. The woman was taken back to her hotel. Yonson, however, was booked into the county jail, where he remained Friday on $25,000 bond, charged with felony driving under the influence (fourth or subsequent offense), failing to register as a sex offender, resisting arrest, driving with a suspended license, battery on a law officer and giving false information to a police officer. He’s scheduled to go before Acting Circuit Court Judge Ruth Becker in Marathon on Oct. 27. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Helga Re: Goto link in spreadsheet Dear Webby, I'm glad to have finally found a spreadsheet guru again! How do I make goto links to jump to far away cells in a spreadsheet? I used to know how to do it with DOS spreadsheets, but those tricks don't work any more. What do I do for making Got-To buttons in Excel? Thanks, Helga Dear Helga Yes, when the spreadsheet makers started to cater to the mouse addicts and reduce productivity, a lot of old tricks were lost. Now, for a GoTo you have to first name the destination. I usually just name a cell that has no numbers in it near the place I want to jump to. To name it, put the cursor intom that cell, and look at the top left, where Excel shows you the name of the cell, for example D120. Click in there and type a nickname for that area, for example October. That's all tehre is to nameing a destination. Now go to where you want the Go-To button. If you have a fixed header row, that does not scroll, for column headers, -a DEFINITE Must-Have for pros-, put your elevator buttons in there. If you want, you can put a small icon in there. Put the cursor on it, and hit ALT I, i Then you get a confusing looking window. It is quite simple once you stop panicking. Select the middle row, Place in existing document Now type the destination cell number where it tells you to. (Second line from the top) If the destination is on a different sheet, use the directory tree there to select the sheet and the right button. That is all there is to it. If you want more than just 3 Worksheets, like you have the A to ZZ worksheets in Quattro, just hit ALT I, w, or click on Insert, Worksheet That way you can have for example a top sheet for a year, and 12 monthly sheets. If anybody wants to know the top secret way to show data from one of the other sheets in the stack, for example show the total expenses result in Worksheet 11 (October) on the Annual Roundup (Worksheet 1), I'll tell you tomorrow. Have FUN! DearWebby "When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Expandable Garden Hose Review By Litter Gitter [185 Posts, 613 Comments] When I heard about the expandable garden hose, I was not impressed. I didn't think there would be much to it. However, three years ago, I saw one in Bed Bath and Beyond and decided to purchase it. It is one of the best buys I have ever made. I really enjoy using it. It stretches out to 50 feet. It is light weight and does not tangle. It makes washing the car, the siding on the house, and cleaning out the gutters much easier. After I use it, I open the hose nozzle for the water to drain out. As it drains, the hose crawls as it shrinks. When the water is no long coming out, I remove the heavy nozzle and hang the hose to dry. I keep it in the utility room out of the weather. "Expandable Garden Hose, the hose that grows". It would make a great Christmas gift.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
While meeting with a client he wished to impress, a big executive flipped on his intercom and barked to his secretary, "Miss Jones, get my broker on the line." "Yes sir," came back a voice, "stock or pawn or marriage?"
cutest koala bears (thanks to //the Bausell Sailor)
____________________________________________________ A car was involved in an accident. As one might expect, a large crowd gathered. A typical newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, pushed and struggled to get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through please! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. ____________________________________________________ A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mom says I'm not". ____________________________________________________
Fantastic photos that look like paintings!
Today on October 13 in
1775 The U.S. Continental Congress ordered the construction
of a naval fleet. 

1792 The cornerstone of the Executive Mansion was laid in
Washington, DC. The building became known as the White House,

after the Canucks had burned it in 1812 and it was
subsequently whitewashed in in 1818. 

1812 American forces were defeated at the Battle of
Queenstown Heights. The British victory effectively ended
further U.S. invasion of Canada. 

1843 B'nai B'rith, the Jewish organization, was founded by
Henry Jones and eleven others in New York City, NY. 

1854 The state of Texas ratified a state constitution. 

1943 During World War II, realizing the obvious winner, Italy
switched sides, signed an armistice with the Allies and
declared war on Germany. 

1944 American troops entered Aachen, Germany, during World
War II. 

1944 During World War II, British and Greek advance units
landed at Piraeus. 

1951 In Atlanta, GA, a football with a rubber covering was
used for the first time. Georgia Tech beat Louisiana State

1953 An ultrasonic burglar alarm was patented by Samuel

1957 Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra introduced the Ford Edsel
on an hour long special. 

1960 The World Series ended on a home run for the first time.
Bill Mazeroski's homerun allowed the Pirates to beat the

1981 Egyptian voters elected Vice President Hosni Mubarak as
the new president one week after Anwar Sadat was

1989 U.S. President George H.W. Bush called for an overthrow
of the Panamanian ruler Manuel Antonio Noriega. 

1992 A commercial flight record was set by an Air France
supersonic jetliner for circling the Earth in 33 hours and
one minute. 

1995 Walt Disney World Resort admitted its 500-millionth

1998 The National Basketball Association (NBA) canceled
regular season games, due to work stoppage, for first time in
its 51-year history. 

1999 The U.S. Senate rejected the ratification of the
Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty (CTBT). 

2010 Near Copiapó, Chile, 33 miners were trapped underground
in San José Mine. The miners were rescued after 69 days

2016  smiled.

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Soft date in spreadsheets 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Wednesday, October 12

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida shoplifter lost his pants and ID
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 12, in 
1810 - Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig married Princess Therese
of Saxony-Hildburghausen. The royalty invited the public to
attend the event which became an annual celebration that
later became known as Oktoberfest. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ England and America are two countries separated by a common language. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) "The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius." --- Sid Caesar "Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." --- Ivern Boyett ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ I dated this flake one time. Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonight." "Good!" I said. "That makes four of us." ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Columbus Henderson, 45, Fort Lauderdale, Florida Florida shoplifter lost his pants and ID a 350-pound Florida man ran from a Walmart with two stolen TVs, but his getaway was compromised when his pants-- containing his ID--“fell off as he ran away,” according to cops who yesterday apprehended the suspect, who had a crack pipe stuffed with Brillo buried in his anus at the time of his 3:43 AM arrest. According to court complaints, Columbus Henderson fled from a Walmart Supercenter in Fort Lauderdale on September 26 with a pair of 40-inch Hisense televisions. Henderson, seen at right, bolted with the merchandise after he allowed a cashier to scan the $298 items. As he scooted through the parking lot, the 45-year-old Henderson’s pants “fell off as he ran away,” according to Officer Scott Brandow. It appears that after Henderson’s pants fell to his ankles, he proceeded to run right out of the garment. Police later determined that Henderson’s abandoned pants contained the suspect’s “medical identification.” Investigators added, “The entire incident was captured on video.” It took cops about a week to catch up with Henderson, who was nabbed early Tuesday morning for grand theft, a felony. Upon arrival at the Pinellas County jail, Henderson informed officers that he had a crack pipe concealed in his anus. “When officers removed him from the vehicle, the defendant had removed the crack pipe from his anus and dropped it on the ground,” a patrolman reported. The glass pipe was recovered by officers who reported that it was “stuffed” with steel wool and had burn marks on one end (Henderson was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia). Locked up in lieu of $2150 bond, Henderson has a rap sheet that includes prior busts for aggravated battery, robbery, theft, possession of drug paraphernalia, and driving without a license. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Rita Re: soft date in spradsheet Dear Webby, my husband is using a spreadsheet as a daily log. I'm not complaining, it's a great improvement over a loose pile of cigarette packages with semi-legible scribbles. The problem is that he used a formula that puts in the current date. @(today). Every midnight each date changes to the current date. I realize, all the past dates are lost. How can I rig it so that new dates put in stay nailed down to THAT date ? Thanks Rita Dear Rita In Quattro, tell him to use CTRL D instead. That just puts the date number into the field. If that column is formatted for displaying the date, it will show as the date, but the value in the cell is a number, not a formula. In Excel it is similar, but not as easy to remember. Instead of D for Date, Excel uses the semi-colon ; CTRL ; inserts a static date that does not change. Have FUN! DearWebby This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what hap- pened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Tip: Removing Ball Point Pen From Leather Try hairspray! I had a blue pen and the ink went on my fingers. I went to push the stool in and it went on the stool. I tried Jif, bleach and alcohol, they all didn't work. When it came to hairspray, it came straight off with just one wipe down. So if you have any leather that has been marked with ink, don't stop and think that it's a scar for life. Let me tell you that hairspray was the best product I ever used! By Olivia from Bexley, NSW
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A little boy who is rushing out of the house pauses in front of his father. "Dad," the boy says, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" "Son, it just wouldn't be right," his father says. "That's okay," the little fellow says. "You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"
Two cellos - Thunderstruck
____________________________________________________ Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "uh oh." ____________________________________________________ Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says,"This year I'm taking Marie with me." ____________________________________________________
Today on October 12 in
1492 - Christopher Columbus, an Italian explorer, sighted
Watling Island in the Bahamas. He believed that he had found
Asia while attempting to find a Western ocean route to India.
The same day he claimed the land for Isabella and Ferdinand
of Spain. 

1792 - The first monument honoring Christopher Columbus was
dedicated in Baltimore, MD. 

1810 - Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig married Princess Therese
of Saxony-Hildburghausen. The royalty invited the public to
attend the event which became an annual celebration that
later became known as Oktoberfest. 

1892 - In celebration of the 400th anniversary of the
Columbus landing the original version of the Pledge of
Allegiance was first recited in public schools. 

1895 - In Newport, RI, the first amateur golf tournament was

1915 - Former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt criticized
U.S. citizens who identified themselves by dual

1920 - Construction of the Holland Tunnel began. It opened on
November 13, 1927. The tunnel links Jersey City, NJ and New
York City, NY. 

1933 - The U.S. Department of Justice acquired Alcatraz
Island from the U.S. Army. 

1942 - During World War II, Attorney General Francis Biddle
announced that Italian nationals in the United States would
no longer be considered enemy aliens. 

1945 - Private First Class Desmond T. Doss was presented with
the Congressional Medal of Honor for outstanding bravery as a
medical corpsman. He was the first conscientious objector in
American history to win the award. 

1960 - Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded a shoe on his
desk during a dispute at a U.N. General Assembly. 

1961 - The first video memoirs by a U.S. president were made.
Walter Cronkite interviewed Dwight D. Eisenhower. 

1964 - The Soviet Union launched Voskhod 1 into orbit around
the Earth. It was the first space flight to have a multi-
person crew and the first flight to be performed without
space suits. 

1972 - During the Vietnam War, a racial brawl broke out
aboard the U.S. aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. Nearly 50
sailors were injured. 

1976 - China announced that Hua Guo-feng was named to succeed
the late Mao Tse-tung as chairman of the Communist Party. 

1988 - Federal prosecutors announced that the Sundstrand
Corp. would pay $115 million dollars to settle with the
Pentagon for overbilling airplane parts over a five-year

1989 - The U.S. House of Representatives approved a statutory
federal ban on the destruction of the American flag. 

1994 - Haitian military leader Raoul Cedras was granted
political asylum by Panama. 

1994 - The Magellan space probe ended its four-year mission
to Venus for the purpose of mapping. 

1997 - The St. Francis Basilica and 15th-century bell tower
above Foligno city hall in Italy were damaged by 3

1998 - The U.S. House of Representatives passed the Online
Copyright Bill. 

1999 - In Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf seized power in a
bloodless coup that toppled Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif. The
Supreme Court ruled that the coup was legal but insisted that
a civilian government be restored within three years. 

2001 - A special episode of America's Most Wanted was aired
that focused on 22 wanted terrorists. The show was
specifically requested by U.S. President George W. Bush. 

2006 - The Dow Jones industrial average advanced over 11,900
for the first time. 

2015 - It was announced that Dell was buying EMC for around
$67 billion. 

2016  smiled.

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Live Currency Converter link 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Tuesday, October 11

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Groom high on drugs wrecks £130k supercar during 
high-speed police chase on his stag party
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 10, in 
1811 The Juliana, the first steam-powered ferryboat, was put
into operation by the inventor John Stevens. The ferry went
between New York City, NY, and Hoboken, NJ. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought. --- Sir William Osler (1849 - 1919) "I hate the expression 'A friend is a present you give yourself.' Gag. A case of Heineken is a present you give yourself. A friend is somebody you don't have to talk to once there's food on the table." --- Sabrina Matthews ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ I have a friend named Tex. One day I asked him what part of Texas he was from. "I'm not from Texas," he replied. "But you have a Southern drawl," I insisted. "Yeah, I do," he admitted. "I'm actually from Louisiana. But you better not call me Louise!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the United counter at gate 4." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." ______________________________________________________ Thabnks to dad for this picture: This none bloomed today. ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Nasar Hanif, 29, Oldham, England Groom high on drugs wrecks £130k supercar during high-speed police chase on his stag party Nasar Hanif's pre-wedding celebration descended into mayhem after he got involved in a city centre brawl that sent him fleeing from police. Hanif had previous convictions for affray, obstructing police, possessing heroin and cocaine with intent, and driving offences, typical for a high profile dope dealer. High on a cocktail of drugs smashed up a £130,000 Audi after he was Tasered by police during a high-speed chase on his stag do. Nasar Hanif's pre-wedding celebration descended into mayhem after he got involved in a city centre brawl that sent him fleeing from police in a Audi R8 Spyder. 130 000 Pounds is $162 000, but the Audi R8 Spyder is too hot for USA. High on cocaine and cannabis, Hanif crashed the vehicle into a lamp post and wrote it off after police were forced to Taser him to stop his rampage. He ran from the vehicle and was found moments later cowering under a car by a sniffer dog. Hanif, 29, collapsed in tears and had to be helped out of the dock as he was jailed for dangerous driving and assault causing actual bodily harm at Manchester Crown Court. Bridegroom Hanif, of Oldham, went out with pals to the Curry Mile to celebrate his ‘last night of freedom’. His group then headed to the city centre to show off cars they had rented for the wedding, which was set for the next day, reports the Manchester Evening News . The convoy included the Audi R8 Hanif was driving, a Lamborghini Gallardo, a Mercedes c63 convertible, and a Mercedes e250 convertible driven by his 25-year-old friend Vikaar Ali, prosecutor Justin Hayhoe revealed. In the early hours of October 10, outside The Printworks, the group got into argument with two men in town for a Rugby World Cup game. After the men pursued the convoy along the street, Hanif and his friends got out of vehicles. One of the rugby fans was chased off, the other was given a kicking by Hanif and seven of his friends. 7 against 1. The group fled after dragging the unconscious man they had assaulted out of the road. But police were on their tail, and caught up with them at Oldham Road. There, Vikaar Ali, who was driving the Mercedes E250, flashed to his friends that they were being pursued, before turning off. Police followed the Lamborghini and the R8 as they travelled at low speed towards Failsworth . When the cars stopped at lights, the police tried to block them in. Both vehicles reversed, with Hanif hitting the car behind him, before speeding off. The Lamborghini got away, but an officer caught up with Hanif at the car park of Tesco, ramming the R8 and forcing it into a spin. Hanif was still determined to get away, so the officer got out of his car, drew his Taser, and ordered him to stop. He still carried on, and ended up being Tasered at the wheel before losing control and smashing the car into a lamp post. Despite this, he got out of the wreckage, and ran off before being found hiding under a car by a police dog. Sentencing Hanif to 18 months in jail, Judge Richard Mansell QC said ‘sickening’ violence had been followed by ‘appalling’ driving. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Abe Re: Currency Converter Dear Webby, I have used the XE currency converter that you have in the side menu hundreds of times, but it stopped working. I thought XE was a pretty gig outfit, but the link is ded now. Can you find another one? Thanks Abe Dear Abe Thanks for bringing it to my attention. They switched from to and have a new currency converter. I put that one into the link on the menu now. Have FUN! DearWebby This picture illustrates the "informal shotgun wedding" joke from yesterday.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Tip: Removing Ball Point Pen From Leather Try hairspray! I had a blue pen and the ink went on my fingers. I went to push the stool in and it went on the stool. I tried Jif, bleach and alcohol, they all didn't work. When it came to hairspray, it came straight off with just one wipe down. So if you have any leather that has been marked with ink, don't stop and think that it's a scar for life. Let me tell you that hairspray was the best product I ever used! By Olivia from Bexley, NSW
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
>From Linda It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!", she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
glory days of movies - a Busby Berkeley production
____________________________________________________ Seems Judi had a speech impediment. She was working at the department store. Her supervisor was named Weldon Taylor. She'd received a large check and needed his approval to accept it. She picks up the intercom and says, "Wel Done Tator to the BBQ grills!" ____________________________________________________ A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. However, he was intrigued and soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money." He paid her and asked her to come along to the MV to change the papers. On the way back he invited her to the Outback Steak House. ____________________________________________________
Do you know what fordite is? It looks like a mineral but it's not.
Today on October 11 in
1776 During the American Revolution the first naval battle of
Lake Champlain was fought. The forces under Gen. Benedict
Arnold suffered heavy losses. 

1811 The Juliana, the first steam-powered ferryboat, was put
into operation by the inventor John Stevens. The ferry went
between New York City, NY, and Hoboken, NJ. 

1869 Thomas Edison filed for a patent on his first invention.
The electric machine was used for counting votes for the
U.S. Congress, however the Congress did not buy it. 

1881 David Henderson Houston patented the first roll film for

1890 The Daughters of the American Revolution was founded in
Washington, DC. 

1899 The Boer War began in South Africa between the British
and the Boers of the Transvaal and Orange Free State. 

1929 JCPenney opened a store in Milford, DE, making it a
nationwide company with stores in all 48 states. 

1932 In New York, the first telecast of a political campaign
was aired. 

1939 U.S. President Roosevelt was presented with a letter
from Albert Einstein that urged him to develop the U.S.
atomic program rapidly. 

1942 The Battle of Cape Esperance, during World War II, began
in the Solomons. 

1958 Pioneer 1, a lunar probe, was launched by the U.S. The
probe did not reach its destination and fell back to Earth
and burned up in the atmosphere. 

1968 Apollo 7 was launched by the U.S. The first manned
Apollo mission was the first in which live television
broadcasts were received from orbit. Wally Schirra, Don
Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham were the astronauts

1975 Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham were married in
Fayetteville, AR. 

1983 The last hand-cranked telephones in the U.S. went out of
service. The 440 telephone customers of Bryant Pond, ME,
switched to direct-dial service. 

1984 American Kathryn D. Sullivan became the first female
astronaut to space walk. She was aboard the space shuttle

1984 Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh Penguins) made his debut in
the National Hockey League (NHL) against the Boston Bruins.
He scored a goal on his first shot on his first NHL shift. 

1994 U.S. troops in Haiti took control of the National

1994 Iraqi troops began moving away from the Kuwaiti border. 

1994 The Colorado Supreme Court declared that the anti-gay
rights measure in the state was unconstitutional. 

2016  smiled.

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Moving cookies to new machine 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Monday, October 10

Happy Thanksgiving, if you are in Canada!
Happy Columbus Day, if you are in the USA!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teacher student got vibrator stuck up her butt
during sex with boyfriend
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 10, in 
1911 China's Manchu dynasty was overthrown by 
revolutionaries under Sun Yat-sen. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up. --- James Magary Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. --- H. L. Mencken "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory." --- W. Edwards Denning Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. --- Plato, 2300 years ago. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Sure, mighty oyster wrestler. Try that twenty foot 'gator behind you!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1960's, and who had dilligently worked his way up from the very bottom of the janitorial company where he got a job, to eventually become the senior vice president, returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day. When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply was, "That's true, but in economics of course the answers change every year." ______________________________________________________ From FB Grant Funded TreeHouse ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Emma Phillips, 24, Wallasey, Merseyside Great Britain Teacher student got vibrator stuck up her butt during sex with boyfriend Emma Phillips, a mother of a two year old from Wallasey, Merseyside, first thought boyfriend Lee had hidden the vibrator under a pillow as a prank. But then when she pressed down on her stomach she felt a buzzing inside her. They tried to remove it using a fork handle and barbecue prongs but all efforts failed. She was rushed to hospital to have the sex toy taken out and now Emma wants to warn people not to be afraid of getting help in embarrassing situations. Emma, 24, said: ‘We were looking around the bed in case it had fallen out. ‘When I leaned on my stomach I could feel it vibrating – it was stuck low down and at one point was even wedged behind my hip.’ She added: ‘For a while Lee was suggesting all kinds of wonderful options. ‘He tried a kitchen fork handle, which we won’t be using again, and said he could feel it at one point but that it was too far up – it was a goner. ‘He tried barbecue prongs too but after a certain point – after an hour of trying – we knew were going to have to go to hospital. We were both a bit shocked.’ After initially seeing the funny side Emma said that they quickly realised that she’d need medical help. Emma said: ‘We’d both been drinking the night before so we couldn’t drive. I had to make the most embarrassing call to the ambulance at 7am. ‘The call handler said ‘tell me exactly what the problem is’ so I had to tell him.’ Doctors carried out an x-ray to work out where the still- buzzing vibrator was and realised it was too high up and would be too painful for them to manually extract it while she was awake. Emma said: ‘I think at that point it started getting quite serious. The doctors were really good – they all moved quite quickly and were so reassuring telling me they saw it quite often which was quite a relief. ‘At first we were jokey about it but then realised it wasn’t much of a joke especially when there was talk of going through my stomach if they couldn’t get it.’ As she was being wheeled to theatre doctors told Emma if they couldn’t extract it rectally they would have to go through the bowel and take some out which could mean at least six months with a colostomy bag. Emma said: ‘I think before that I thought of it as just a little operation to get it out, I still wasn’t taking it that seriously. ‘When he said that – that only when I woke up would I know whether they would have to cut me open – it was really scary.’ At 12pm Emma underwent the minute-and-a-half surgery which involved placing a camera down her throat and the surgeon pressing on her stomach before manually extracting it. Doctors offered her the 12 inch toy as a keepsake but she declined. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From Phil Re: Move cookies Dear Webby, I realize that half the world thinks cookies are a bad thing, but personally I love them. I use Spybot-Search&Destroy since you first recommended it. It kills all the bad cookies, the ones that fink on you, but it leaves the good ones, those that store my bank access codes and the user names and passwords for my favorite stores. Those cookies are never sent anywhere and are safe. Now, my question is, how do I move the safe cookies onto my new machine? Thanks Phil Dear Phil To copy cookies from one computer to another, choose Import and Export from Internet Explorer's File menu. Click on the Next button to start the Import/Export Wizard. If your machines are not networked, you can copy them to a file on a camera memory chip or thumb drive, and then take that to the new machine. There use the same File, Import/Export, and import the cookies from that file. You can also export them to a file on the old machine, and if you have the machines networked, import them to the new machine from that file. Have FUN! DearWebby The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, with his library card on top. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name and card numberon each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "Grampa is right. Education is not what it used to be. The last librarian we had, could write."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Efficient Ironing with Aluminum Foil By attosa [247 Posts, 556 Comments] You can save time and electricity using this one simple trick for ironing. Put a sheet of aluminum foil under your ironing board cover before ironing. The reflected heat and insulation from the foil makes it so you don't have to iron the other side (and totally speeds up your ironing process). You don't have to worry about your ironing board cover scorching, it takes a much higher heat for that.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian. Little Johnny thanked her and went back to his search. A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." he said. "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. Replied Little Johnny, "Tequila Mockingbird."
one of my favorite football plays
____________________________________________________ A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $20,000. The customer says, "No, not quite what I need." Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. "A steal at only $7,500." The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy." The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $129.95. The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it is just an informal wedding." ____________________________________________________ A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job in Montana, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them "moosellanious". ---------------- Just a bit North, across the border, we call that "stew meat" ____________________________________________________
Do you know what fordite is? It looks like a mineral but it's not.
Today on October 10 in 1845 The United States Naval Academy opened in Annapolis, MD. 1865 The billiard ball was patented by John Wesley Hyatt. 1886 The tuxedo dinner jacket made its U.S. debut in New York City. 1887 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Company. 1911 China's Manchu dynasty was overthrown by revolutionaries under Sun Yat-sen. 1913 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson triggered the explosion of the Gamboa Dike that ended the construction of the Panama Canal. 1933 Dreft, the first synthetic detergent, went on sale. 1938 Nazi Germany completed its annexation of Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland. 1943 Chaing Kai-shek took the oath of office as the president of China. 1957 U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower apologized to Komla Agbeli Gbdemah, the finance minister of Ghana, after the official had been refused service in a Dover, DE, restaurant. 1959 Pan American World Airways announced the beginning of the first global airline service. 1963 A dam burst in Italy killing 3,000 people. 1965 The Red Baron made his first appearance in the "Peanuts" comic strip. 1973 Fiji became independent after nearly a century of British rule. 1984 The U.S. Congress passed the 2nd Boland Amendment which outlawed solicitation of 3rd-party countries to support the Contras. The amendment barred the use of funds available to CIA, defense, or intelligence agencies for "supporting, directly or indirectly, military or paramilitary operations in Nicaragua by any nation, group, organization or individual." 1987 Tom McClean finished rowing across the Atlantic Ocean. He set the record at 54 days and 18 hours. 1991 The United States cut all foreign aid to Haiti in reaction to a military coup that forced President Jean-Claude Aristide into exile. 1994 Lt. Gen. Raoul Cedras resigned as Haiti's commander-in- chief of the army and pledged to leave the country. 1994 Iraq announced it was withdrawing its forces from the Kuwaiti border. No signs of a pullback were observed. 1997 The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain, opened to the public. Architect Frank Gehry designed the 450 ft. long and 98 ft. wide building. 2001 U.S. President George W. Bush presented a list of 22 most wanted terrorists. 2003 Rush Limbaugh annouced that he was addicted to painkillers and that he was going to check into a rehab center. 2010 In China, Canton Tower opened to the public. 2016 smiled.

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"True Story" emails 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Sunday, October 9

Thank you, Mildred!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Child in diapers locked in closet for 12 hours while 
mom allegedly took heroin, shoplifted
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 8, in 
1781 The last major battle of the American Revolutionary War
took place in Yorktown, VA. The American forces, led by
George Washington, defeated the British troops under Lord
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone. --- John Ciardi (1916 - 1986) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this one: This morning I was standing next to a very large, fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years". Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?" Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said. "Dye it? What color is it now?" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A spammer buys two horses but he can't tell them apart. So he asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again. He asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horses ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. The spammer is still confused. So he asks the farmer again what to do. He tells him to measure the horses. The spammer comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!" ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Paige Nicole Adams, 24, Phoenix, Arizona Child in diapers locked in closet for 12 hours while mom allegedly took heroin, shoplifted A Phoenix mother has been arrested for child abuse after her three-year-old daughter was found locked in a closet. Paige Nicole Adams, 24, also admitted taking heroin, according to the police report. Adams was initially arrested on September 29th for allegedly shoplifting. When officers asked her if she had any children, Adams reportedly told police she had a daughter who was with friends. That 3-year-old daughter was later discovered to be alone in an apartment and barricaded in a bedroom inside one of the closets. “The victim was crying and had a dirty diaper,” stated the police report. When detectives again contacted Adams, “she admitted to detectives that she was high on heroin at the time she left her child in the apartment alone. She stated that she did not think she would be gone long,” according to the police report. When asked why she did not tell officers about her daughter once she was arrested, “she could provide no real explanation other than things were a blur,” according to the police report. The child had reportedly been left alone for nearly 12 hours. Officers also said they found syringes around the home that were accessible to the child, should she have been able to get out of the closet. Adams is due back in court October 17th. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: MsLL: Re: TRUE STORY Re: TRUE STORY Dear Webby, Re: TRUE STORY ..... < Dear MsLLebsock Whenever you see "TRUE STORY" and it comes from AOL, it is a hoax. Also, if it comes from AOL and you read "As announced by Microsoft (or IBM, or AOL, or McAfee, or etc.) you can also file it on the same shelf. And take it with a big grain of salt. For tons of examples of "TRUE STORY" hoaxes click on the Urban Legend link in the side margin of the Humor Letter. There are nowhere near all of them there, but plenty to keep you laughing for years. Have FUN! DearWebby "The answering machine has eloped with the toaster. You are talking to the Microwave. If you want the other half of your brain cooked too, please switch your phone to the other ear and wait until you can no longer hear the high pitched beep." Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Awesome Cinnamon Rolls By StellaBell [187 Posts, 173 Comments] Prep Time: 1 hour (30 minute rise) Cook Time: 15 minutes Total Time: 1 hour 15 minutes Yield: 14 Source: rolls/ Ingredients: 1 cup milk 4 Tbsp butter 3 1/2 cup flour 2 1/4 tsp instant yeast 1/4 cup white sugar 1/2 tsp salt 1 egg 3/4 cup brown sugar, packed 1 1/2 Tbsp ground cinnamon 1/2 cup butter, softened Steps: Put 3/4 cup of milk and 4 Tbsp butter into a bowl and microwave on high for 1 1/2 minutes. Then stir in the 1/4 cup cold milk to bring the temperature down a bit. Set aside. In a bowl, whisk together 2 cups of flour, white sugar, yeast and salt. Once the milk is warm (not hot) use a mixer to add the milk and 1 egg to the flour mixture. Mix until well combined. Add another cup of flour and mix until combined. Turn the dough onto a well floured surface. Have a 1/2 a scoop of flour ready, you may not use all of it. Add a bit a flour on top and coat your hands with flour, it will be very sticky at first. Slowly fold in some flour a little at a time until it is easier to work with. Once the flour is workable, but still quite soft, knead the dough for about 5 minutes. Make sure not to add too much flour or else your cinnamon rolls will come out tough. Let to dough rest for about 10 minutes while you whip together the filling. For the filling, simply mix together 1/2 cup of softened butter, 3/4 cup packed brown sugar, and 1 1/2 Tbsp ground cinnamon. On a well floured surface, roll the dough out into a 12x14 inch rectangle. Using a rubber spatula, spread the filling on top of dough, covering it edge to edge. Starting from the long side of the rectangle, roll the dough up and pinch the edge down. Use floss to score the dough to make 14 rolls. Then slide the floss under the roll at the score mark and wrap the two ends up and cross them to cut the dough. Place the rolls into a greased pan. Cover and let sit in a warm place to rise for 30 minutes. In a 350 degree F oven, bake the cinnamon rolls for 15 minutes, or until the top is slightly browned and the center of the dough looks cooked. I don't like very sweet cinnamon rolls, so I like to eat them without icing. But you can make a quick and easy icing by mixing 2 Tbsp softened butter with 1 cup of powdered sugar, 1 tsp vanilla and add milk a splash at a time until you reach the consistency you like. Or you could find a nice cream cheese frosting recipe. Put the icing on while the cinnamon rolls are hot, for the best results.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'. He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese." No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right? Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me a second one." So they sent him two male ones.
Blonde-Star Emergency
____________________________________________________ I spent a fortune On a trampoline, A stationary bike And a rowing machine Complete with gadgets To read my pulse, And gadgets to prove My progress results, And others to show The miles I've charted - But they left off the gadget To get me started! --- Dorothy Heller ____________________________________________________ Customer: "I want to download the Internet. Do I need a bigger hard disk?" Support: nah, just get a bunch of floppies. To download the Internet CLICK HERE: Keep a close eye on the time remaining for the download. You would not want to miss the end of that. ____________________________________________________
Scrimshaw, a dying art.

Today on October 9 in
1635 Roger Williams, founder of Rhode Island, was banished
from Massachusetts because he had spoken out against
punishments for religious offenses and giving away land that
belonged to the Indians. Williams had founded Providence,
Rhode Island as a place for people to seek religious freedom.

1701 The Collegiate School of Connecticut was chartered in
New Haven. The name was later changed to Yale. 

1776 A group of Spanish missionaries settled in what is now
San Francisco, CA. 

1781 The last major battle of the American Revolutionary War
took place in Yorktown, VA. The American forces, led by
George Washington, defeated the British troops under Lord

1812 During the War of 1812 American forces captured two
British brigs, the Detroit and the Caledonia. 

1855 Isaac Singer patented the sewing machine motor. 

1855 Joshua C. Stoddard received a patent for his calliope. 

1858 Mail service via stagecoach between San Francisco, CA,
and St. Louis, MO, began. 

1872 Aaron Montgomery started his mail order business with
the delivery of the first mail order catalog. The firm later
became Montgomery Wards. 

1876 Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas Watson made their
longest telephone call to date. It was a distance of two

1888 The public was admitted to the Washington Monument for
the first time. 

1914 During World War I, German forces captured Antwerp,

1930 Aviator Laura Ingalls landed in Glendale, CA, to
complete the first solo transcontinental flight across the
U.S. by a woman. 

1936 The first generator at Boulder Dam began transmitting
electricity to Los Angeles, CA. The name of the dam was later
changed to Hoover Dam. 

1940 St. Paul's Cathedral in London was bombed by the Nazis.
The dome was unharmed in the bombing. 

1946 The first electric blanket went on sale in Petersburg,

1975 Andrei Sakharov was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The
Soviet scientist is known as the "father of the hydrogen

1983 Helen Moss joined the Brownies at the age of 83. She
became the oldest person to become a member. 

1986 U.S. District Judge Harry E. Claiborne became the fifth
federal official to be removed from office through
impeachment. The U.S. Senate convicted Claiborne of "high
crimes and misdemeanors." 

1986 The musical "Phantom of the Opera" by Andrew Lloyd
Webber opened in London. 

1989 The official Soviet news agency Tass reported an
unidentified flying object. The report included a trio of
tall aliens that had visited the city of Voronzh. 

1994 The U.S. sent troops and warships to the Persian Gulf in
response to Saddam Hussein sending thousands of troops and
hundreds of tanks toward the Kuwaiti border. 

1995 Saboteurs tinkered with a stretch of railroad track in
Arizona. An Amtrak train derailed killing one and injuring a

2000 Brett Hull (Dallas Stars) scored his 611th National
Hockey League (NHL) goal. The goal allowed him to pass his
father, Bobby Hull, on the all time scoring list bringing him
to number 9. 

2003 Britain's Queen Elizabeth II knighted Roger Moore and
made Sting a CBE (Commander of the British Empire). 

2009 NASA launched the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing
Satellite (LCROSS). On November 13, it was announced that
water had been discovered in the planned impact plume on the

2016  smiled.

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Do you need a firewall? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Saturday, October 8

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Missing teen had been abducted, gang-raped, 
shot and fed to alligators.
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 8, in 
1919 The first transcontinental air race in the U.S. began.
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. --- Will Durant (1885 - 1981) "I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him." --- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for a snowstorm!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ And what was the culmination of events that led you to file this action," asked the man's attorney in the divorce hearing. "All through our marriage my wife was less than reasonably responsive to my sexual initiatives," replied the husband, "but the clincher came one morning at the breakfast table." "Why? What happened?" "She announced, 'Just so you don't get your hopes up, I'm already beginning to get a headache.'" --------------- Abstinence makes the heart go wander. ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Jim for this picture: October in Ohio ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Timothy De’Shaun Taylor 23 in jail CHARLESTON, S.C Missing teen had been abducted, gang-raped, shot and fed to alligators. A New York teenager who went missing during a spring break trip in 2009 was abducted, gang-raped at a stash house, shot after trying to escape, and then her body was fed to alligators, according to an FBI agent’s court testimony. Brittanee Drexel of Rochester, N.Y., was 17 when she went to Myrtle Beach, S.C., for spring break. Earlier this year, the FBI said they believed Drexel had been murdered. FBI agent Gerrick Munoz recently testified that several people who claim to have witnessed Drexel’s death have come forward, WMBF reports. Munnoz testified in a detention hearing that Timothy De’Shaun Taylor is one of the main suspects in Drexel’s disappearance. Taylor is being held in an unrelated case involving a robbery in 2011. Inmate Taquan Brown told authorities that he was present at the stash house when Drexel was killed, according to court records. Brown reportedly told Munoz that he saw Taylor, who was 16 at the time, and several others sexually abuse Drexel at the stash house, WMBF reported. Brown also said that at one point, Drexel tried to run away and was pistol whipped. Brown said he heard two shots and assumed Drexel was killed. Munoz testified that several witnesses said Drexel’s body was then put into an alligator pit so it could be eaten. Munoz said several alligator ponds were searched but nothing was found. Another unidentified inmate corroborated that account, Munoz testified. That inmate told Munoz that Drexel was abducted by Taylor and she was in a “human trafficking situation.” (rented out) The inmate said “it became a problem” when there was media coverage about Drexel’s disappearance and she was then “murdered and disposed of.” BL&M ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bob RE: Do I need a Firewall Dear Webby, I recently read an article about DSL users and firewalls, etc. It stated that all one has to do is turn off your file sharing feature off and all would be ok. Any truth to this statement? If so, how does one find and shut off the file sharing feature in Windows? Thanks, Bob < Dear Bob If it was that easy, then a few hundred Million people would be dumping their firewalls and use that method. That advice is just a hoax. Considering that you can get free firewalls, there is no reason to attempt to use shortcuts that leave you unprotected. Have FUN! DearWebby "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Amazing Rice Flour and Almond Pudding By attosa [247 Posts, 556 Comments] Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 10 minutes Yield: 6 servings Ingredients: 4 cups milk 3/4 cup rice flour 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 cup slivered almonds few drops vanilla extract 1 pack gelatin (1/4 oz) Steps: Place all the rice flower in a pan (no heat). Add some cold milk and stir, gradually adding all the milk while stirring. Add gelatin and stir. Turn the heat on to medium. Keep stirring to avoid sticking the bottom until bubbles start appearing at the top. Add sugar when the milk comes to a boil, stir. Add vanilla. Remove pan from heat. Stir in almonds. Let cool. Pour into individual cups or into a serving dish. It will harden as it sits. Chill in fridge if you want to serve it cold (my preference), but it can also be served warm. It's lovely with a dollop of jam or fresh fruits. Enjoy!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Interviewer: Congratulations on winning the lottery. Farmer: Thank you. Interviewer: Do you have any special plans for spending the money? Farmer: Not really. I'm just gonna keep farming 'til it's all gone.
Blonde-Star Emergency
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Bea for this one: On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!" My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures." ____________________________________________________ "Heallo Tower ! It seems we sleed offa the runway a bit an the engine swallowed some of that there snow and konked out. Kin y'all send us a toe-truck? " "Tower to that Cessna stuck in a snow bank at the wrong end of the runway: Just relax, it's supposed to warm up in a week. Somebody will be out then to tow you back to the runway." ____________________________________________________
I'm afraid it's going to be sooner rather than later. Odama has cut our military down to where it was before WWI, he doesn't intend to let America win another world war.

Today on October 8 in
1895 The Berliner Gramophone Company was founded in
Philadelphia, PA. 

1915 During World War I, the Battle of Loos concluded. 

1918 U.S. Corporal Alvin C. York almost single-handedly
killed 25 German soldiers and captured 132 in the Argonne
Forest in France. York had originally tried to avoid being
drafted as a conscientious objector. After this event he was
promoted to sergeant and was awarded the Congressional Medal
of Honor. 

1919 The first transcontinental air race in the U.S. began. 

1945 U.S. President Truman announced that only Britain and
Canada would be given the secret to the atomic bomb. 

1950 U.N. forces crossed into North Korea from South Korea. 

1952 "The Complete Book of Etiquette" was published for the
first time. 

1966 The U.S. Government declared that LSD was dangerous and
an illegal substance. 

1970 Soviet author Alexander Solzhenitsyn won the Nobel Prize
for literature. 

1981 U.S. President Reagan greeted former Presidents Carter,
Ford and Nixon to the White House. The group was preparing to
leave for Egypt to attend the funeral of Anwar Sadat. 

1982 In Poland, all labor organizations, including
Solidarity, were banned. 

1991 A slave burial site was found by construction workers in
lower Manhattan. The "Negro Burial Ground" had been closed
1790. Over a dozen skeletons were found. 

1993 The U.S. government issued a report absolving the FBI of
any wrongdoing in its final assault in Waco, TX, on the
Branch Davidian compound. The fire that ended the siege
killed as many as 85 people. 

1998 Taliban forces attacked Iranian border posts. Iran said
that three border posts were destroyed before the Taliban
forces were forced to retreat. The Taliban of Afghanistan
denied the event occurred. 

1998 Canada and Netherlands were voted into the U.N. Security

2001 Tom Ridge, former Governor of Pennsylvania, was sworn in
as director of the new U.S. department of Homeland Security.

2001 Rush Limbaugh announced to his listeners that he was
totally deaf in his left ear and had only partial hearing in
his right ear. The condition had happened in a three month

2001 Two Russian cosmonauts made the first spacewalk to be
conducted outside of the international space station without
a shuttle present. 

2002 A federal judge approved U.S. President George W. Bush's
request to reopen West Coast ports, to end a caustic 10-day
labor lockout. The lockout was costing the U.S. economy an
estimated $1 billion to $2 billion a day. 

2003 China announced that it would have a human crew orbit
the Earth briefly on October 15. 

2003 Vietnam and the United States reached a tentative
agreement that would allow the first commercial flights
between the two countries since the end of the Vietnam War. 

2003 It was announced that Vivendi Universal and General
Electric Co. had reached an agreement to merge. The name for
the combined company was NBC Universal. 

2003 Siegfried Fischbacher and his manager announced that the
"Siegfried and Roy" show at the Mirage was canceled
permanently. It was also said that if Roy Horn survived,
after a tiger attack on October 3, the duo would continue to
work together. 

2004 The first-ever direct presidential elections were held
in Afghanistan. 

2016  smiled.

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How long does it take to learn HTML? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, October 7
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida carjacker arrested
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 7, in 
1913 For the first time, Henry Ford's entire Highland Park
automobile factory was run on a continuously moving assembly
line when the chassis was added to the process. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae. --- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - 2007) If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. --- Bertrand Russell ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the government?" Without hesitation, his father said, "Oh, about half of them." ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Noella for her picture Noella's leafy walk ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sean McLaughlin, Lakeland, Floriduh Florida Bonefish car jacker arrested Polk County Sheriff’s Office has made an arrest in last week’s carjacking case outside a Bonefish Grill restaurant in Lakeland. Deputies have charged Sean McLaughlin of Lakeland with the carjacking that took place last Sunday. Investigators say the carjacking happened around 3:30 a.m. in the parking lot of the Bonefish Grill, located at 225 Pipkin Rd. W. in Lakeland. The woman was in her car preparing to leave the parking lot when a male approached the driver-side window with what appeared to be a chain wrapped around his hand. The man demanded that she get out of the vehicle. The woman got out and the man drove away in the westbound direction on Pipkin Road. A witness to the carjacking spotted McLaughlin at a convenience store nearby and called authorities early Sunday morning. Deputies arrived and took McLaughlin into custody without incident. McLaughlin is being charged with armed robbery and burglary, grand theft, and illegal possession of drugs without a prescription. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Mia RE: HTML Dear Webby, Dear Webby, how long does it normally take to learn HTML? Mia < Dear Mia It takes half an hour to learn the basics from free tutorials, half a year of using it to get comfortable with it, teaching it to others for a year to get good at it. Have FUN! DearWebby Thanks to Angela for this one: Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him was watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the Reverend in front of you off, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, since your behavior was so contrasting to all that, I assumed you had stolen the car."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Curry Beef with Rice SPOKANE, Wash. - Three men who went streaking through a Denny's restaurant were chilled and chagrined when they spotted a thief drive off in their getaway car, their clothes inside. Naked in the 20-degree weather, the three young men huddled behind cars in a parking lot until police arrived. "I don't think they were hiding. I think they were just concealing themselves," police spokesman Dick Cottam said. The three entered the restaurant before daybreak Wednesday, wearing only shoes and hats. They left their car running so they could make a quick escape. But the streakers watched through the windows as a man who had been eating inside the restaurant drove off in their car. No charges were brought against the streakers. "I think it was just three kids who decided to fool around," Cottam said. He added: "We always tell people to not leave their car running."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Bill Dance bloopers (fishing bloopers)
____________________________________________________ Is it Male or Female? SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over- inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting visitors. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. ____________________________________________________ Jon was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of smarts. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the dumbest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!" ____________________________________________________
I'm afraid it's going to be sooner rather than later. Odama has cut our military down to where it was before WWI, he doesn't intend to let America win another world war.

Today on October 7 in
1765 Nine American colonies sent a total of 28 delegates to
New York City for the Stamp Act Congress. The delegates
adopted the "Declaration of Rights and Grievances." 

1777 During the American Revolution the second Battle of
Saratoga began. 

1868 Cornell University was inaugurated in Ithaca, NY. 

1913 For the first time, Henry Ford's entire Highland Park
automobile factory was run on a continuously moving assembly
line when the chassis was added to the process. 

1918 The Georgia Tech football team defeated Cumberland
College 222-0. Georgia Tech carried the ball 978 yards and
never threw a pass. 

1949 The German Democratic Republic (East Germany) was

1950 The U.S.-led U.N. forces crossed the 38th parallel and
entered North Korea. China in November proved their threat to
enter the war by sending several hundred thousand troops
the border into North Korea. 

1951 The Western Hills Hotel in Fort Worth, TX, became the
first hotel to feature all foam-rubber mattresses and

1956 A U.S. House subcommittee began investigations of
allegedly rigged TV quiz shows. 

1963 U.S. President Kennedy signed a nuclear test ban treaty
with Britain and the Soviet Union. It didn't slow anybody

1968 The Motion Picture Association of America adopted the
film-rating system that ranged from "G" to "X." 

1981 The Egyptian parliament, after the assassination of
Anwar Sadat, named Vice President Hosni Mubarak the next
president of Egypt. 

1982 A record was set when 147,000,000 shares were exchanged
on the New York Stock Exchange. 

1985 The United States announced that it would no longer
automatically comply with World Court decisions. 

1989 In Budapest, Hungary's Communist Party renounced Marxism
in favor of democratic socialism. 

1993 U.S. President Clinton sent more troops, heavy armor,
and naval firepower to Somalia. 

1994 U.S. President Clinton dispatched an aircraft carrier to
the Persian Gulf when Iraqi troops were spotted moving
Kuwait. The U.S. Army was also put on alert. 

1998 The U.S. government filed an antitrust suit that alleged
Visa and MasterCard inhibit competition by preventing banks
from offering other cards. 

1999 American Home Products Corp. agreed to pay up to $4.83
billion to settle claims that the fen-phen diet drug caused
dangerous problems with heart valves. 

2000 Vojislav Kostunica took the oath of office as
Yugoslavia's first popularly elected president. 

2001 The U.S. and Great Britain began airstrikes in
Afghanistan in response to that state's support of terrorism
and Osama bin Laden. The act was the first military action
taken in response to the terrorist attacks on the U.S. on
September 11, 2001. 

2003 In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected
governor in the recall election of Governor Gray Davis. 

2016  smiled.

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Computer sound 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, October 6

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
PA dope dealer had 110 envelopes of heroin in his anus.
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 6, in 
1683 The first Mennonites arrived in America aboard the
Concord. The German and Dutch families settled in an area
that is now a neighborhood in Philadelphia, PA. 
See More of what happened on this day
in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. --- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for their prescriptions at least helped me pass the time. When their meds were finally ready, they paid and walked away. The druggist stood there and shook his head. I asked, "What's with them ?" He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax and she's on Prozac....." ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Corey Davis, 32, Scranton, Pennsylvania PA dope dealer had 110 envelopes of heroin in his anus. After collaring a suspected drug dealer, Pennsylvania police recovered 110 bags of heroin from the man’s anus, court records show. According to Scranton cops, officers arrested Corey Davis, 32, and another man during an undercover operation Thursday afternoon. Davis, seen above, was arrested across the street from the Pennsylvania Paper & Supply Company's tower, a downtown Scranton landmark seen in the opening credits of the television show “The Office.” As detailed in a criminal complaint, a confidential informant working with the Lackawanna County Drug Task Force arranged a $500 heroin buy with Jason Kohut, 44. Kohut, investigators allege, directed the buyer to meet him on a Scranton street, where he had parked his Cadillac Escalade. Kohut was behind the wheel, while Davis was in the front passenger seat. When undercover cops approached the SUV, they spotted an empty heroin packet near the driver’s seat. A subsequent search of the vehicle turned up several hypodermic needles and additional empty heroin packets. The suspected drug dealers were then transported to Scranton police headquarters, where Davis reportedly admitted that he “had heroin inside of his anus.” Davis then willingly removed “110 glassine packets of heroin from his anus,” cops reported. The heroin was packaged in two “bricks” and one “bundle,” according to a complaint charging Davis with three felonies and two misdemeanors. Davis, who is being held in the Lackawanna County Prison in lieu of $100,000 bail, is scheduled for an October 6 preliminary hearing in Magisterial District Court. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Trinity RE: Sound Dear Webby, My computer corner is one of those "hutch" type desk/shelves combos and I have no room for big speakers, plus I don't want to shell out the ridiculous amounts of money they want for them, when I have a perfectly good Surround-Sound music system already in the room. Is there a way to tap into the squeaker-speakers that came with the computer? Trinity Dear Trinity Yes, sure there is. Have a look at your sound system and find a socket labelled AUX in the front, or four screws or clamps labelled AUX in the back. Measure the distance between the computer and that AUX connection and get a shielded sound cable of that length with a 1/8" 3 wire plug on the computer side, and whatever size plug you need on the sound system side. Before you plug it in, turn down the volume on the computer way down so as not to blow up your sound system. Keep in mind that your sound system has a very powerful amplifier. Gradually turn up the volume. Most computer sound cards work best in the lower quarter of their volume range. Use the sound system's amplifier to get the volume you want. On some computers there are 4-wire quad sound cards. If yours has one of those, then you can use a 4-wire cable and plug. You will be totally amazed at how good the sound is, when it is properly amplified and not distorted by the little squeakers. Have FUN! DearWebby Miss Prussy was going over mischievous Melvin Messpot's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a big fat pile of chicken sh*t."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Curry Beef with Rice By Mary Ray [19 Posts, 4 Comments] Prep Time: 60 minutes Cook Time: 50 minutes Total Time: 1 hour Yield: 4 servings Ingredients: 1 1/2 lb cubed beef 1 large onion, chopped 2 Tbsp curry powder 3 Tbsp tomato paste coconut oil (for sautéing) 2 inch piece ginger root, minced 1 Tbsp minced garlic 1 large potato, chopped 2 cups broth 1 can coconut milk Steps: Cut beef in 1/2 cubes. Brown beef in large pot and set aside. In same pot use coconut oil to saute' chopped onion. Add to pot curry powder (mix your own, it's better), tomato paste, minced ginger root and minced garlic. Cook and stir for five minutes. Cut up potato and add to pot along with broth (beef or chicken). Bring to a boil. Lower heat and cook for 35 minutes. Stir in coconut milk and simmer for another 10 minutes. Placed cooked rice in the bottom of bowl. Add beef curry and enjoy.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The thunder god went for a ride, upon his favorite filly. "I'm Thor," he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly."
Don't go to Vegas without a Baptist
____________________________________________________ Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" John: "I haven't found the right woman yet." George: "So what are you looking for?" John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy." ____________________________________________________ Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has gone!" ____________________________________________________
Beautiful Fall season around the world.

Today on October 6 in

1683 The first Mennonites arrived in America aboard the
Concord. The German and Dutch families settled in an area
that is now a neighborhood in Philadelphia, PA. 

1848 The steamboat SS California left New York Harbor for San
Francisco via Cape Horn. The steamboat service arrived on
February 28, 1849. The trip took 4 months and 21 days. 

1863 The first Turkish bath was opened in Brooklyn, NY, by
Dr. Charles Shepard. 

1866 The Reno Brothers pulled the first train robbery in
America near Seymour, IN. The got away with $10,000. 

1880 The National League kicked the Cincinnati Reds out for
selling beer. 

1884 The Naval War College was established in Newport, RI. 

1889 In Paris, the Moulin Rouge opened its doors to the
public for the first time. 

1889 The Kinescope was exhibited by Thomas Edison. He had
patented the moving picture machine in 1887. 

1890 Polygamy was outlawed by the Mormon Church. 

1928 War-torn China was reunited under the Nationalist leader
Chiang Kai-Shek. 

1939 Adolf Hitler denied any intention to wage war against
Britain and France in an address to Reichstag. 

1948 "Summer and Smoke" by Tennessee Williams opened on

1949 U.S. president Harry Truman signed the Mutual Defense
Assistance Act. The act provided $1.3 billion in the form of
military aid to NATO countries. 

1954 E.L. Lyon became the first male nurse for the U.S. Army.

1961 U.S. president John F. Kennedy advised American families
to build or buy bomb shelters to protect them in the event of
a nuclear exchange with the Soviet Union. 

1973 Egypt and Syria attacked Israel in an attempt to win
back territory that had been lost in the third Arab-Israel
war. Support for Israel led to a devastating oil embargo
against many nations including the U.S. and Great Britain on
October 17, 1973. The war lasted 2 weeks. 

1979 Pope John Paul II became the first pontiff to visit the
White House. 

1991 Elizabeth Taylor married Larry Fortensky. The ceremony
was held at Michael Jackson's estate near Los Angeles, CA. It
was Taylor's 8th marriage and Fortensky's 3rd. 

2016  smiled.

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Spyware remover 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Wednesday, October 5

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man Admits To Murder That Kept Twin Jailed 13 Years
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 5, in 
1813 Chief Tecumseh of the Shawnee Indians was killed at the
Battle of Thames when American forces defeated the British and
allied Indian warriors. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." --- Alan Minter "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." --- Greg Norman The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --- George Bernard Shaw ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie tells him, "I'll grant you three wishes, but everything you wish for, all the lawyers in the world will get double". The man says, "Well, you know I hate lawyers, but I think I can live with that. So, first, I'd like a billion dollars." The genie blinks and says, "Done. You have a billion dollars in your bank account and every politician has two billion dollars." "Okay," says the man, "next I'd like a Lamborghini Murcielago." The genie blinks and tells him there's one in his driveway and two in every politician's driveway. The man rubs his chin and says, "Finally, I'd like to donate one kidney, real quick like, in a second." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A girl brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So, how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, he thinks I am God!" ______________________________________________________ Paris opera ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by KarlSmith, Kevin-Dugar, 38, Chicago, Illinois Man Admits To Murder That Kept Twin Jailed 13 Years Karl Smith, sitting off a 99 year sentence, says he committed a crime that earned his brother a 54-year prison sentence. More than a decade after Kevin Dugar was convicted of firing a gun into a small group of people, killing one man and wounding another, his twin brother has made a shocking courtroom confession. “I’m here to confess to a crime I committed that he was wrongly accused of,” Karl Smith, who has adopted his mother’s maiden name, testified on the witness stand, according to The Chicago Tribune. The Illinois court confession comes three years after Smith, who is serving a 99-year prison sentence for a 2008 home invasion robbery, sent a letter to his brother confessing to the crime. Smith, 38, wrote that he was owning up to it because “I have to get it off my chest before it kills me.” Smith later signed a sworn affidavit detailing his admission. Testifying before Cook County Judge Vincent Gaughan on Thursday, Smith said it was him, and not his brother, who in March 2003 shot into a small group of people, killing 27- year-old Antwan Carter and wounding Ronnie Bolden, then 24. A month after the shooting, Bolden, who survived being shot twice, picked Dugar out of a photo lineup and identified him as the shooter. Dugar was ultimately convicted of first- degree murder and sentenced to 54 years in prison. According to Dugar’s politician, Karen Daniel, authorities have no evidence linking her client to the crime. She also claims Smith’s photo was not included in the photo lineup that was shown to Bolden. Smith’s confession, she argued in court, raises enough doubt to grant her client a new trial. Assistant State’s Attorney Carol Rogala on Thursday questioned Smith’s motive in coming forward, saying he only chose to do so after an appeals court upheld his own conviction. “He’s got nothing to lose,” Rogala said. The twins’ mother, Judy Dugar, disagrees with Rogala, saying she is certain that Smith is telling the truth. “He wouldn’t lie about that,” she told the Tribune. “I hope Kevin will get out. I hope he change his whole life around.” It’s unclear when Gaughan will decide if Dugar should be given a new trial. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Dan RE: Spyware remover Dear Webby, if you had your choice,would you use spybot or spy hunter or neither thank you Dan Dear Dan I do have a choice, and I use Spybot-Search&Destroy. That is why I put a free link for it onto the side menu. Have FUN! DearWebby An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground... "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Emergency Kitchen Candle By katrine2706 [14 Posts, 11 Comments] Total Time: 5 minutes Yield: 1 1/3 cup cooking oil/used oil 3 Tbsp salt 1 cotton ball 2 in stick match/lighter 1 glass or jar Steps: Put 3 tablespoons of salt inside the glass. Press it to level the salt into place. Pour the cooking oil into the glass of salt. Loop the cotton around a piece of stick. Insert the stick in the middle of the glass, this will serve as the candle wick. The salt will stabilize the stick into position. Light it up with a match stick or a lighter. Now you have a candle made from items found in the kitchen. It will last longer than a candle and is much safer to use. I have no idea what kind of magic stick she uses for the wick. In the 70's and 80's I used to use oil lamps with floating wicks. They are simply nickle size cork disks covered with very thin metal (from a bean can lid) and a hole punched in the center for the wick. They float on the oil. No salt needed. You can put the oil and a few spare floating wicks into a jam jar and toss it into your knapsack, or cooler if you go by canoe, and after setting it upright for a minute, you can use it. You can hang the jam jar from a tree around your camp site with thin, lightweight florist wire. When camp fires are not allowed, those oil lamps help find the way to the outhouse or the right tents. They even sell fragrant lamp oil for special occasions. Keep in mind, oil lamps are NOT for reading. They will ruin your eyes! They work as night-lights to avoid bashing your shins on furniture and for romantic endeavors, but that's about it. For more usable light buy a cheap kerosene lantern. Walmart has one for under $10, that can be used to light up a kitchen well enough for cooking. If you have frequent power otages it would be a good idea to get one, and a gallon of kerosene. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
Locklear service company - I believe I testify!
____________________________________________________ At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up: "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV...!" ____________________________________________________ "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English." The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?" The defendant looked up and said, "Gimme you money or I break you face!" ____________________________________________________
Who wouldn't love to find an old barn like this!

Today on October 5 in
1813 Chief Tecumseh of the Shawnee Indians was killed at the
Battle of Thames when American forces defeated the British
and  allied Indian warriors. 

1877 Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce Indians surrendered to the
U.S. Army after a 1,000-mile retreat towards the Canadian

1919 Enzo Ferrari debuted in his first race. He later founded
the Auto Avio Construzioni Ferrari, an independent
manufacturing company. 

1921 The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the
first time. The game was between the New York Giants and the
New York Yankees. 

1930 Laura Ingalls became the first woman to make a
transcontinental airplane flight. 

1931 Clyde Pangborn and Hugh Herndon landed in Washington
state after flying non-stop across the Pacific Ocean. The
flight originated in Japan and took about 41 hours. 

1937 U.S. President Roosevelt called for a "quarantine" of
aggressor nations. 

1947 U.S. President Harry S Truman held the first televised
presidential address from the White House. The subject was
the current international food crisis. 

1955 The play "The Diary of Anne Frank" opened at the Cort
Theatre in New York. 

1969 A Cuban defector landed a Soviet-made MiG-17 at
Homestead Air Force Base in Florida. The plane entered U.S.
air space and landed without being detected. 

1969 "Monty Python's Flying Circus" debuted on BBC

1970 Anwar Sadat took office as President of Egypt replacing
Gamal Abdel Nassar. Sadat was assassinated in 1981. 

1974 American David Kunst completed the first journey around
the world on foot. It took four years and 21 pairs of shoes.
He crossed four continents and walked 14,450 miles. That is
688 miles per shoe.

1985 An Egyptian policeman went on a shooting rampage at a
Sinai beach. Seven Israeli tourists were killed. The
policeman died in prison the following January of an apparent

1986 Sandinista soldiers captured American Eugene Hasenfus
after shooting him down over southern Nicaragua. 

1989 The Dalai Lama (Lhama Dhondrub, Tenzin Gyatso) was named
the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his nonviolent
campaign to end the Chinese domination of Tibet. Gyatso was
the 15th Dalai Lama. 

1990 The Glasgow Royal Concert Hall opened. 

1991 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev announced that his
country would cut its nuclear arsenal in response to the arms
reduction that was initiated by U.S. President George Bush. 

1993 China set off an underground nuclear explosion. 

1995 A 60-day cease-fire was agreed upon by Bonsian
combatants. The civil war had lasted 3 1/2 years. 

1997 In London, the Express Newspapers printed an article
claiming that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were homosexual
and that their marriage was a sham to cover the truth. The
paper paid damages in a settlement on October 29, 1998. 

1998 The U.S. paid $60 million for Russia's research time on
the international space station to keep the cash-strapped
Russian space agency afloat. 

1999 MCI Worldcom Inc. and Sprint Corp. announced plans to

2006 Walmart rolled out its $4 generic drug program to the
entire state of Florida after a successful test in the Tampa

2016  smiled.

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How to find a nice font 

Good Morning, ,

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Ohio Woman's Plot to Kill Estranged Husband with Kids 
in Car Is So Heartless the Hitman Refuses to Do It
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 4, in 
1535 The first complete English translation of the Bible 
was printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level. --- Norman Mailer (1923 - 2007) "One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks." --- Jack Penn Whaddya mean with that? A mistake, that is not repeated, is a stepping stone. --- DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Ella When my sister got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room when my sister came down the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "Don't cry, remember you're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a son." "Oh, I'm not crying about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!" ______________________________________________________ From Karen Vaisman ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Shelly Carter, 42, Cincinnati, Ohio Ohio Woman's Plot to Kill Estranged Husband with Kids in Car Is So Heartless the Hitman Refuses to Do It She was willing to kill for her “dream house.” An Ohio dog groomer was collared last week for allegedly hiring a hitman to zap her estranged husband in the middle of their divorce. Shelly Ann Carter, 42, offered an assassin $1,000 and a car to slay her 44-year-old hubby but the hitman had a change of heart, police say. Carter’s 23-year-old boyfriend, Ryan Stark, was also arrested in the plot. From an outsider's perspective, Shelly Carter was simply a dog groomer at a local business she previously owned. The Ohio mother of two was even described as "nice" by relatives. But the action she's now been arrested for wasn't so nice at all. Cincinnati's Local 12 News reports that Carter hired a hitman to crash into her estranged husband's car in an effort to kill him. Court documents reveal she conspired with her half-brother Casey Fryman and his wife, Sarah, in the murder-for-hire case. Carter reportedly paid the man $500 on September 16th and told him she would pay $500 more when the "job was done." According to WLWT5 News, Middletown Police found bankruptcy and child support paperwork in Carter's home September 21st, along with a shotgun. Carter was in the middle of a divorce proceeding with her 44-year-old husband at the time she planned to have him killed: As The Daily Beast reports, her plot was thwarted when the would-be hitman found out her two kids would be in the car at the time of the fatal crash. When he approached the children's mother about his concern, she said she "didn't care" if the kids died as a result. Christian “Tony” Carter, her husband, spoke to reporters Saturday and was completely distraught to learn of the heinous plan: Relatives said Carter was desperate to keep the family house, which might have been her motive in attempting to kill Tony. Family friend and spokesperson Amy Wray told The Daily Beast: "She decided she wanted the house no matter how she could get it," adding that Carter had threatened the children and previously made false claims of domestic violence." According to the Journal News, Carter's bond is set for $750,000. She's charged with three counts of conspiracy to commit aggravated murder. Casey and Sarah Fryman were also charged with one count of conspiracy to commit aggravated murder each for setting up the meeting with the hitman. Their individual bonds are set at $250,000. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Pennie RE: Need nice font Dear Webby, Hope you are doing well !!! Just hate for someone to be a little off the weather. I have a question for you today regarding fonts. I would like to get a nice one for my mail and recipes, what do you suggest ? Something like handwriting that is easy to read. I did check out some on the internet and there was free download but am so scarred it might download a bug for me. I value your advice very much. Take care and lots of health. Pennie *:) Dear Pennie You have to consider that the other side has to have that font on their machine. If they don't, they will see some ugly Courier New, or something like that. IF they have Duchess installed, that would be a nice and relaxed but quite elegant font, that is really easy to read. Second best for your purpose would be Guga Handwriting. Third would be Lucida Handwriting. It is very common, and a popular, easy to read font. You might want to field a survey amongst your fans and ask them if they have font A, B, C, etc. installed, and let that be your guidance. There is no point using a font, that nobody else has installed. Aside from availability, the only real concern is readability. For example, Palace Script MT is a very beautiful font and a favorite with wedding invitations. However, it is NOT a fast and easy reading font. On a wedding invitation that is OK. That should be read slowly, giving them time to plan their dress and their presents. If you, for example, decide to use Duchess from Micrologic, mention that to your readers, and maybe even recommend a URL for downloading it. Without availability, the most beautiful font is nothing. Have FUN! DearWebby The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Store Sheets Inside Pillowcases By dorothy wedenoja This tip will save you looking for a matching bottom and top sheet with matching pillowcases. Put folded sheets and one of the pillowcases inside the other pillowcase.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk. "Forty dollars." The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur." "What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked. The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."
" target="_blank" >"> funny talking animals
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Chris for these: Substitute your own favorite conference, team, or local redneck. Big 12 Conference Football Jokes (1) What does the average Texas player get on his SATs? ............Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 32 Texas Tech cheerleaders in one room? ............A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get an Iowa State cheerleader into your dorm room? ............Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a University of Oklahoma graduate letterman off your porch? ............Pay him for the pizza. (5) How do you know if a Nebraska football player has a girlfriend? ...........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup (6) Why is the Colorado football team like a possum? ............Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of an University of Kansas football player's life? ............His freshman year. (8) How many Missouri freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? ...........None. That's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ...........Manhattan, Kansas. He knew that the police would never look at KSU for a Heisman Trophy winner. (10) Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color? ............You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week. ____________________________________________________ Number of physicians in the US: 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000 (AMA). Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services) Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): 1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188 Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one Doctor." Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. ____________________________________________________
Police witness strange paranormal activity.

Today on October 4 in
1535 The first complete English translation of the Bible was
printed in Zurich, Switzerland. 

1648 The first volunteer fire department was established in
New York by Peter Stuyvesant. 

1777 At Germantown, PA, Patriot forces and British forces both
suffer heavy losses in battle. The battle was seen as British
victory, which actually served as a moral boost to the

1876 The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas formally
dedicated by Texas Gov. Richard Coke. It was the state's
venture into public higher education. The college opened for
classed two days earlier. 

1881 Edward Leveaux received a patent for the player piano. 

1909 The first airship race in the U.S. took place in St.
Louis, MO. 

1915 The Dinosaur National Monument was established. The area
covered part of Utah and Colorado. 

1927 The first actual work of carving began on Mount Rushmore.

1940 Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini met in the Alps at
Brenner Pass. Hitler was seeking help from Italy to fight the

1957 The Soviet Union launched Sputnik I into orbit around the
Earth. Sputnik was the first manmade satellite to enter
Sputnik I fell out of orbit on January 4, 1958. 

1958 British Overseas Airways Corporation became the first
jetliner to offer trans-Atlantic service to passengers with
flights between London, England and New York. 

1990 The German parliament had its first meeting since

1992 The 16-year civil war in Mozambique ended. 

1993 Russian Vice-President Alexander Rutskoi and Chairman
Ruslan Khasbulatov surrendered to Boris Yeltsin after a ten-
hour tank assault on the Russian White House. The two men had
barricaded themselves in after Yeltsin called for general
elections and dissolved the legislative body. 

1993 Dozens of Somalis dragged an American soldier through the
streets of Mogadishu. A videotape showed Michael Durant being
taken prisoner by Somali militants. 

1994 South African President Nelson Mandela was welcomed to
the White House by U.S. President Clinton. 

1997 Hundreds of thousands of men attended a Promise Keepers
rally on the Mall in Washington, DC. 

2001 NATO granted the United States open access to their
airfields and seaports and agreed to deploy ships and early-
warning radar planes in the war on terrorism. 

2001 In Washington, DC, Reagan National Airport re-opened. The
airport had been closed since the terrorist attacks on the
United States on September 11, 2001. 

2004 SpaceShip One reached an altitude of 368,000 feet. It was
the first privately built, manned rocket ship to fly in space
twice within a two week window. The ship won the Ansari X
Prize of $10 million dollars for their success.

2016  smiled.

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Tripod substitute 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Monday, October 3

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Georgia pastor charged with rape and aggravated 
child molestation of 10-year-old girl at shelter
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 3, in 
1893 The motor-driven vacuum cleaner was patented by 
J.S. Thurman. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. --- Henry J. Tillman "There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke." --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up at six o'clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A man walked into a beer joint near Waco and ordered a beer. Just then former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, the stranger looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass, too," he muttered. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," says the bartender, "horse country." ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Danny Wells, Smyrna, Cobb County, Georgia Georgia pastor charged with rape and aggravated child molestation of 10-year-old girl at shelter Police arrested Wells Thursday afternoon. An investigation, which began in Alabama, led police to Wells after a 10-year- old girl told police that Wells had sexually abused her. “The Garden's been open for 10 years, so there is a concern there may be additional victims, adult and juvenile,” said McCreary. The young girl was apparently staying at the Garden Recovery Center with her mother earlier this year for recovery services. Police said there was a delay in reporting the crime because the girl and her mother had moved out of state. “The child did make statements to the Alabama police department during an interview that concerned them. They contacted our Cobb County Crime Department,” said the lieutenant. While police in Cobb County expect more of Wells’ victims to come forward, the victim told detectives in Dothan, Alabama, that the pastor attacked her in a recovery center in Smyrna, Georgia, about 30 miles away from where he founded 7 Bridges to Recovery ministry. "The investigation into this incident is ongoing and there may be additional victims," police said. The investigation is ongoing and Cobb County Police said there may be additional victims. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Cobb County Police Department's Crimes Against Children's Unit. According to the 990 tax form of 7 Bridges, Wells was the CEO. The form, filed May 3, says the church recieved $602,966 in contributions and grants this year and $498,731 last year. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Manny RE: Tripod substitute Dear Webby, You ranked a purse full of sand higher than a store bought tripod. Why is that? Manny Dear Manny Get a fishing rod and try turning a light switch on or off. Did you notice how the tip wavered around due to the slightest jitter in your hand? Now imagine that fishing rod to be a mile long, or even just a quarter mile, and how far the slightest jitter will move the tip. You can even clamp your fishing rod onto a storebought tripod, and see how much the tip jitters around. Look along the fishing rod, using the tip as a gun sight, to a point a quarter mile away. Would you be able to keep your "gun sight" on a moose? Most tripods amplify tiny ground vibrations. An old, soft leather purse filled with sand does the opposite. It dampens vibrations. If you can't find a soft, old leather purse at a second hand store, get an old suede or similar kids or ladie's jacket. Cut off a sleeve to about 6 inches long, turn it inside out and glue one end shut. Rip out any smooth lining. Turn it right side out, fill it with dry sand, but not too tightly, and glue the open end shut. Now you have a nice little pillow. Old leather or suede does not slip off a car or fence post. Now you can nestle the camera on that pillow. It will sit steady, and the ground vibrations will be dampened. Have FUN! DearWebby Ralph was an Air Force colonel. He routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize himself with their capabilities. One day he was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed him his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging." Nodding, he moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! brass coming your way! Close the porn!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Use a Bathroom Rug to Move Furniture By Teri [1 Post, 1 Comment] Recently I needed to switch furniture in two rooms in my house. I have beautiful hardwood floors that are 57 years old and was afraid of scratching them. The furniture I needed to move (by myself) was heavy, big pieces and cumbersome. I thought about getting some of those mover thingies you put under the legs to move things but I didn't trust them to not scratch the floors. On the day I started moving the small stuff, I was doing laundry. My bathroom rugs (non-skid back, fluffy top) were sitting on the floor by the washer and I had a light bulb moment! I took the rugs into one room and turned them upside down. I put a small table on top and slide the table into the next room. NO marks on the floor! I have a 5' sideboard which is super heavy and I managed to move that on top of a rug BY MYSELF! So next time you need to move some furniture over hardwood floors just grab a bathroom rug! By Teri from Long Beach, CA
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A teacher caught a student in the hall during class time and said, "Jill, tell me, whose class you're cutting this time?" The young teen said, "Like, uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." The teacher smiled and said, "It's your English class, isn't it?"
Guilty dog
____________________________________________________ In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A man rushed over, reassured the Yuppie that he was going to be all right and identified himself as a doctor. He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you?" The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking." ____________________________________________________ Groan Alert: Bob was telling his friend Joe about his vacation in France. Bob talked about how lovely the Eiffel Tower was, the exquisite works of art at the Louvre, the Notre Dame, and of course, the easy French women. Joe asked Bob, "Was there anything you didn't like about France?" "Well," Bob replies, "there was one thing that was strange about it. In France, anything you eat, anything you drink, even the air that you breathe over there cleans out your colon. I mean, it REALLY cleans your colon out." So Joe says, "Gee, with France like that, who needs enemas?" ____________________________________________________
Stunning Western Canada.

Today on October 3 in
1863 U.S. President Lincoln declared that the last Thursday of
November would be recognized as Thanksgiving Day. 

1888 "The Yeomen of the Guard" was performed for the first
time. It was the first of 423 shows. 

1893 The motor-driven vacuum cleaner was patented by J.S.

1901 The Victor Talking Machine Company was incorporated.
After a merger with Radio Corporation of America the company
became RCA-Victor. 

1906 W.T. Grant opened a 25-cent department store. 

1922 Rebecca L. Felton became the first female to hold office
of U.S. Senator. She was appointed by Governor Thomas W.
Hardwick of Georgia to fill a vacancy. 

1929 The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes officially
changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 

1932 Iraq was admitted into the League of Nations leading
Britain to terminate their mandate over the nation. Britain
had ruled Iraq since taking it from Turkey during World War I.

1935 Italian forces invaded Abyssinia (now Ethiopia). 

1941 Adolf Hitler stated in a speech that Russia was "broken"
and they "would never rise again." With the help of the USA,
they did.

1942 The Office of Economic Stabilization was established by
U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt. He also authorized
controls on rents, wages, salaries and farm prices. 

1944 During World War II, U.S. troops broke through the
Siegfried Line. 

1951 CBS-TV aired the first coast-to-coast telecast of a
prizefight. Dave Sands defeated Carl Olson at Soldier Field in

1952 Britain became the third nuclear power in the world when
they successfully detonated their first atomic bomb. The U.S.
and Russia were the only other nuclear powers. 

1962 The Sigma VII blasted off from Cape Canaveral for a nine-
hour flight. 

1962 The play, "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!" opened on

1981 Irish Nationalists in Maze Prison in Belfast, Northern
Ireland called off their hunger strike. The strike had lasted
7 months and ten people had died. 

1988 The space shuttle Discovery landed safely after its four-
day mission. It was the first American shuttle mission since
the Challenger disaster. 

1989 East Germany suspended unrestricted travel to
Czechoslovakia in an effort to slow the flow of refugees to
the West. 

1990 The Berlin Wall was dismantled eleven months after the
borders between East and West Germany were dissolved. The
unification of Germany ended 45 years of division. 

1990 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein made a visit to Kuwait
since his country had seized control of the oil-rich nation. 

1994 The headquarters of the Haitian pro-army militia was
raided by U.S. soldiers. 

2003 Ray Horn, of the duo "Siegfried & Roy," was attacked by
tiger during a performance. Roy survived the attack after
being dragged offstage. The tiger, a 7-year-old male named
Montecore, was debuting in his first show. 

2006 North Korea announced that it would conduct a nuclear
test as a key step in the manufacture of atomic bombs that it
viewed as a deterrent against a U.S. attack. A date for the
test was not announced. 

2016  smiled.

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Digital Zoom 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Sunday, October 2

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman tries to use cab for getaway after 
armed robbery
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 2, in 
1780 British army major John Andre was hanged as a spy. He
was carrying information about the actions of Benedict
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' --- Theodore Roosevelt ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read: "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way to avoid getting court-marshalled for stealing a ship." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ A new employee is invited to the boss's house for dinner, just as a way of welcoming him into the company. After they had eaten a large meal, the new employee leans sideways on his chair and lets rip an almighty fart. The boss, with a look of disgust, turns to the man and says, "How dare you fart in front of my wife?!" The man replies, "Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize it was her turn!" ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Keshunte Taylor, 20, Gainesville, Florida Florida woman tries to use cab for getaway after armed robbery An alleged robber in Gainesville, Florida, managed to successfully get away from an Arby's restaurant, only to be foiled in part by her choice of getaway vehicle: a taxi cab. The Gainesville Sun reports that 20-year-old Keshunte Taylor is in custody after police say she robbed the restaurant at gunpoint, then made the unusual choice of hopping in a cab. That didn't make it hard for police to spot the vehicle, and it was stopped less than two blocks away—still in the same shopping plaza. Taylor was in the back seat with $219 of the restaurant's money, say police. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Herber RE: Digital Zoom Dear Webby, I am not at all impressed with the Digital zoom on my camera. How high is it safe to go with it? Herber Dear Herber Don't use the digital zoom at all. It's just idiot bait that sales people use to catch people who don't have a clue about digital cameras. All the digital zoom does is increase the size of the pixels. That makes it appear almost like a zoom or an enlargement in your paint program, except it makes everything coarse and jaggy. Leave the digital zoom set at 0 or 1, get a sharp picture, and enlarge that, if necessary, in your paint program. With the real glass zoom, clarity and sharpness depend MORE on how steady the camera is than on the price of the optics. For the absolute steadiest base of a camera, use an old, soft leather purse filled with sand. Lay that onto anything solid and nestle the camera on it. Second best is a well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod. Third best is a twenty-pound or better movie camera tripod. Have FUN! DearWebby An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Recycle Hanging Baskets for Halloween By Ana I. [24 Posts, 19 Comments] My flowers that I purchased in white hanging baskets were at the end of their season. Now I have these hanging baskets that need a new use and upgrade. With Halloween/fall approaching, this is an upgrade for all those left over pots. Total Time: Up to 2 hours Yield: 2 or more Supplies: hanging pots spray paint adhesive paper scissors flowers moss Dollar store figures (optional) Steps: Take your pots and clean them very well. Spray paint and let dry. Take your adhesive paper and cut out a face shapes for your pumpkin pot. Apply pieces. Now it's time for filling and decorating. You can fill these baskets for Trick or Treat, to hold outdoor lighting, flowers, etc. Instead of expensive spray paint you can use cheap brick color porch and floor paint. For the eyes and mouth you can use reflective tape like you use on gate posts and trailers. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
An American entered a pub in Ireland and ordered a Coors light. The Alemaster replied, "Faith,lad, we don't serve American beer here." "Well, give the closest you got to it." So they drew him a glass of water. -------------- I wonder what they would have served a Mexican !
Adam and Eve
____________________________________________________ A girl said to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He replied, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?" ____________________________________________________ Schwartz successfully defended a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," Schwartz replied. It would not so much depend on what your kid has done, but whether you can pay my fees." ____________________________________________________
There Are a couple of creatures hiding in this tree branch. Can you spot them?

Today on October 2 in
1492 King Henry VII of England invaded France. 

1780 British army major John Andre was hanged as a spy. He
was carrying information about the actions of Benedict

1835 The first battle of the Texas Revolution took place near
the Guadalupe River when American settlers defeated a Mexican
cavalry unit. 

1836 Charles Darwin returned to England after 5 years of
acquiring knowledge around the world about fauna, flora,
wildlife and geology. He used the information to develop his
"theory of evolution" which he unveiled in his 1859 book
entitled The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection.

1870 Rome was made the capital of Italy. 

1876 The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas opened.
It was the state's first venture into public higher
education. The school was formally dedicated 2 days later by
Texas Gov. Richard Coke. 

1889 The first international Conference of American States
began in Washington, DC. 

1919 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke that
left him partially paralyzed. 

1924 The Geneva Protocol adopted the League of Nations. 

1925 Scottish inventor John Logie Baird completed the first
transmission of moving images. 

1937 Warner Bros. released "Love Is on the Air." Ronald
Reagan made his acting debut in the motion picture. He was 26
years old. 

1941 Operation Typhoon was launched by Nazi Germany. The plan
was an all-out offensive against Moscow. 

1944 The Nazis crushed the Warsaw Uprising by Jews. 

1947 The Federatino Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA)
formally established Formula One racing in Grand Prix

1948 The first automobile race to use asphalt, cement and
dirt roads took place in Watkins Glen in New York. It was the
first road race in the U.S. following World War II. 

1958 Guinea, the French colony in West Africa, proclaimed its
independence. Sekou Toure was the first president of the
Republic of Guinea. 

1962 U.S. ports were closed to nations that allowed their
ships to carry arms to Cuba, ships that had docked in a
socialist country were prohibited from docking in the United
States during that voyage, and the transport of U.S. goods
was banned on ships owned by companies that traded with Cuba.
The action against Cuba was because Cuba had nationalized
all United Fruit and other plantations, sugar refineries and
rum distilleries.

1967 Thurgood Marshall was sworn in. He was the first
African-American member of the U.S. Supreme Court. 

1988 Pakistan's Supreme Court ordered free elections. 

1989 In Leipzig, East Germany a protest took place demanding
the legalization of opposition groups and the adoption of
democratic reforms. 

1990 The Allies ceded their rights to areas they occupied in
Germany and started paying rent for their garrisons.

1993 Opponents of Russian President Boris Yeltsin fought
police and set up burning barricades. 

1998 Hawaii sued petroleum companies, claiming state drivers
were overcharged by about $73 million a year in price-fixing.

1998 About 10,000 Turkish soldiers crossed into northern Iraq
and attacked Kurdish rebels. 

2001 NATO, for the first time, invoked a treaty clause that
stated that an attack on one member is an attack on all
members. The act was in response to the September 11, 2001,
terrorist attacks in the United States. 

2016  smiled.

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More neat DOS commands 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Saturday, October 1

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
NY Bank Robber Busted in 'Coincidence' after 13 years
Details at Boneheads
Today, October 1, in 
1800 Spain ceded the territory of Louisiana back to France.
Later the property would be purchased by the U.S. effectively
doubling its size. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ 'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds. --- Malaclypse the Younger Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. --- Frank Leahy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'I will pay tonight'." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Richard Leon, Webster, NY Bank Robber Busted in 'Coincidence' after 13 years An envelope gave the FBI the DNA sample it needed—13 years after the fact A man charged in a fatal bank robbery 13 years ago was captured with the help of a tipster and DNA secretly collected from an envelope when he coincidentally filed a fraud complaint. Authorities say Richard Leon Wilbern was arrested Tuesday when he went to meet with FBI agents in Rochester for what he thought was a meeting about his complaint. Wilbern had been on the FBI's radar since March, when a former co-worker named him as a suspect in the August 2003 robbery of a credit union on the Xerox Corp.'s campus in Webster, NY, where he once worked, the AP reports. A bank customer was fatally shot in the neck and another customer was wounded when a man wearing an FBI jacket opened fire after telling an employee he was there for a security assessment. The robber escaped with more than $10,000. In what the FBI called "an incredible coincidence," investigators were looking into the tip when Wilbern called the FBI to report a suspected real estate scam. When agents met with Wilbern, who had served time for a 1980 bank robbery, they had him sign paperwork and lick an envelope, from which they obtained a DNA sample. They matched that sample to one taken from an umbrella left behind at the bank robbery 13 years earlier. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Harmony RE: More neat commands! Dear Webby, Those commands were a real treat! I love that back-up bat. One click, and it does it. And instead of buying a big, bloated program, all I did was copy a few lines from the Humor Letter, changed the folder names, and saved it. Why pay $49 when a few lines of code will do the ame, and probably faster. I also adopted your "Not THAT key!". What a hoot! Now I need some more ammo. How do I get a complete listing of all files on a drive or chip, including what is in the subdirectories, but sent to a file, since it would be too much to read on the screen. I then want to edit that file, delete the names of all good files and just leave the names of files, that need to be deleted off the drive. Thanks! Harmony Dear Harmony To put all the names of the files on that drive or chip into a text file, use this command: let's assume the name of that drive is H: dir H: /s /b > c:\file-list.txt That includes the full path, for example: H:\pix\Canon\2014\June\Mom-and-dog.jpg That is what you need to delete files with a bat, the full path. for /f %%a in c:\file-list.txt do del %%a That deletes all the files mentioned in c:\file-list.txt, but does not touch any other ones. Have FUN! DearWebby Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Using Less Toilet Tissue By ShirleyE [103 Posts, 64 Comments] Here are 2 tricks to encourage other members of your household to use less toilet tissue. People tend to pull less off the roll if you have the paper rolling off from the top. By flattening the roll of paper slightly it will not roll so easily which makes it more difficult to pull off too much.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
Don't steal the Trump sign!
____________________________________________________ Dilbert's Words of Wisdom (all of these phrases have existed long before Dilbert collected them) 1.) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2.) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3.) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4.) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5.) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6.) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7.) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8.) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9.) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10.) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11.) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!" 12.) My Reality Check bounced. 13.) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14.) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15.) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16.) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17.) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 18.) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. ____________________________________________________ My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started. ____________________________________________________
What an artist with fruits and vegetables!

Today on October 1 in

1569 The Duke of Norfolk was imprisoned by Britain's Queen
Elizabeth for trying to marry Mary the Queen of Scots. 

1800 Spain ceded the territory of Louisiana back to France.
Later the property would be purchased by the U.S. effectively
doubling its size. 

1880 Thomas Edison began the commercial production of
electric lamps at Edison Lamp Works in Menlo Park. 

1885 Special delivery mail service began in the United
States. The first routes were in West Virginia. 

1890 The U.S. Congress passed the McKinley Tariff Act. The
act raised tariffs to a record level. 

1896 Rural Free Delivery was established by the U.S. Post

1903 The first modern World Series took place between the
Boston Pilgrims and the Pittsburgh Pirates. 

1908 The Model T automobile was introduced by Henry Ford. The
purchase price of the car was $850. 

1918 Damascus was captured from the Turks during World War I
by a force made up of British and Arab forces. 

1936 General Francisco Franco was proclaimed the head of the
Spanish state. 

1938 German forces enter Czechoslovakia and regained control
of the Sudetenland. The Munich Pact had been signed two days

1940 The Pennsylvania Turnpike opened as the first toll
superhighway in the United States. 

1943 Naples was captured by the Allied forces during World
War II. 

1946 The International War Crimes Tribunal in Nuremberg
sentenced 12 Nazi officials to death. Seven others were
sentenced to prison terms and 3 were acquitted. 

1949 Mao Tse-tung raised the first flag of the People's
Republic of China when the communist forces had defeated the
Nationalists. The Nationalist forces fled to Taiwan. 

1962 Johnny Carson began hosting the "Tonight" show on NBC-
TV. He stayed with the show for 29 years. Jack Paar was the
previous host. 

1964 The Free Speech Movement was started at the University
of California at Berkeley. 

1968 "Night of the Living Dead" premiered in Pittsburgh, PA. 

1972 The Chinese government approved friendly relations with
the United States. 

1979 The United States handed control of the Canal Zone over
to Panama. 

1982 EPCOT (Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow)
Center opened in Florida. The concept was planned by Walt

1985 The PLO's headquarters in Tunisia was raided by Israeli
jet fighters. 

1988 Mikhail Gorbachev assumed the Soviet presidency. 

1989 The authorized Charles Schulz biography, Good Grief, was

1989 7,000 East Germans were welcomed into West Germany after
they were allowed to leave by the communist government. 

1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush addressed the U.N.
General Assembly and once again condemned Iraq's takeover of

1990 In Croatia, minority Serbs proclaimed autonomy. 

1991 U.S. President Bush condemned the military coup in Haiti
that removed President Jean-Bertrand Aristide from power.
U.S. economic and military aid was suspended. 

1991 The U.S. trust territory of Palau became independent. 

1992 The Strategic Arm Reduction Treaty was approved by the
U.S. Senate. 

1994 The U.S. and Japan avoided a trade war by reaching a
series of trade agreements. 

1994 The National Hockey League (NHL) team owners began a
lockout of the players that lasted 103 days. 

1995 Sheik Omar Abdel-Rahman and nine other defendants were
convicted in New York of conspiring to attack the U.S.
through bombings, kidnappings and assassinations. 

1996 Lucent Technologies became an independent company. 

1998 The U.S. government posted a $2.2 million reward for the
capture of Augustin Vasquez Mendoza. He is accused of
an undercover U.S. agent during a drug purchase in 1994. 

1999 The 50th anniversary of the founding of the Peoples
Republic of China was celebrated in Beijing. 

2001 San Francisco's Board of Supervisors voted unanimously
to ban Internet filters designed to keep pornography away
from children at city libraries. The board left the decision
up to the Library Commission to decide whether to install
filtering software in children's areas. A federal law in the
U.S. mandated the use of the filters. 

2009 In the United Arab Emirates, the exterior construction
of the Burj Khalifa skyscraper was completed. 

2016  smiled.

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How to FORCE a copy 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, Sept 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
83 Year-Old White Woman Beaten & Set on Fire By Black Gang
Details at Boneheads
Today, September 29, in 

See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch --- Plato Those whom the Gods would destroy, they first call promising. --- Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974) --- My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. --- Mike Myers ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply. "What was it about?" Grace asked. "Sin." "And what did the minister say?" "He's against it." ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ "Ode to the Spell Checker!" Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. ______________________________________________________ Looks like Colorado ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Justin Grady, age 38, Cortavious Deshaun Heard, age 18, Mina Christine Ellery, age 17 and Angel Latrice Harmon age 17 Sanquavious Cameron, age 17 Atlanta, Georgia 83 Year-Old White Woman Beaten & Set on Fire By Black Gang The Black Lies & Murder movement is quick to cry foul whenever black people appear to be stereotyped. But what about situations when all the facts point to activity that occurs against whites? That was the case in Atlanta, Georgia, when a black gang entered the home of an 83-year-old white woman. That woman, Dorothy Dow, was sleeping in bed when a gang of four black men and women entered her home, beat her and then set her on fire. Dow passed away in the hospital from complications from the attack. Her attackers are now being charged with murder. Justin Grady, age 38, Cortavious Deshaun Heard, age 18, Mina Christine Ellery, age 17 and Angel Latrice Harmon age 17 are all being held without bond on charges of "felony murder and malice murder." The group entered Dow's home and pulled her from her bed where she was sleeping. One of the gang hit her repeatedly with a pistol, breaking the bones in her hand and her arm. Then they ransacked her home and took anything of any value. They left her, broken and bleeding. Then the girls wend back there and got her purse and credit cards, which they used. That helped getting them caught. In the meantime, one of the males got some flammable liquid, went back into the house and poured it over the severely injured great-gramma on the floor and set her on fire. She survived burning to death only because she pulled herself to a place where she knew she had kept a gallon jug of water. There she was able to pour the water on herself and put out the fire. Then, with a broken arm, she crawled to her cellphone and dialed 911. The local news station gives no reason other than robbery about why the attack occurred, but as we well know, had the races been reversed, the entire country would be burning from the Black Lies & Murder protests. One of the suspects had apparently been picking blueberries for the great-gramma for pay, and even been invited in for supper a few times. Apparently he thought she had some money in the house. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Trudy RE: How do I force a copy? Dear Webby, When I try copying my mail directory over to the removable, external USB drive, the Windows Explorer keeps tripping up on all kinds of silly things, and of course each time aborts the copying. This is driving me absolutely nuts! Is there a way to force it from the DOS command line? Trudy Dear Trudy That problem goes back a lot further than Windows and is a bug in the Microsoftcopy command. Somebody forgot to put in a way to recover from an error, just list it and get on with the job. Incidentally, that is one of the major reasons DOS or Windows never got mission critical certification. Luckily around the time of DOS 2 somebody ported the UNIX xcopy command and Microsoft later adopted it very quietly. Even though it works well, to this day there are very few people that seem to know and use it. As is common with UNIX commands, xcopy has about two dozen "switches" to make it do exactly what you want. If you want to see and print all of the options, go to the command line START RUN cmd then type xcopy /? To copy a directory (folder) and it's subdirectories without stopping for machine specific config files, which you don't want to copy or overwrite anyway, and copy only those files which are newer on the source than the destination, copy hidden and system files, overwrite Read-Only files, not show the list of files as they scroll down the screen, and YES, dangit, copy the stuff without any silly prompts, then use these switches: xcopy /S /D /E /C /H /R /K /Y /Z source destination for example, if you wsant to copy the entire Eudora folder with all your 57 different mailboxes, your address book and lists, and the destination is the USB drive, which you named as drive H: xcopy /S /D /E /C /H /R /K /Y /Z c:\Eudora\*.* H:\Eudora Like all DOS commands, xcopy works fine in bats. You can put that line into a batchfile and make a desktop shortcut to it. A batch file is simply a clean text file that you create with NoteTab, NonetMaid, WordPad, NotePad, etc. It has to be clean text! No formatting or colors or fonts. JUST clean text. And the extension has to be .bat The reason they are called Bat.files is bat is 3 letters as the original designation for extensions, like txt, jpg, gif, etc. BAT are the firsst 3 letters of BATCH. You can put different commands, each on a separate line, and have a whole batch of commands inside that bat(ch) file. You could, with the same click also copy your Photos folder and your Docs folders. @echo off xcopy /S /D /E /C /H /R /K /Y /Z c:\Eudora\*.* H:\Eudora xcopy /S /D /E /C /H /R /K /Y /Z c:\Photos\*.* H:\Photos xcopy /S /D /E /C /H /R /K /Y /Z c:\Docs\*.* H:\Docs date /t >> c:\Backplog.txt time /t >> c:\Backplog.txt echo ------------ >> c:\Backplog.txt echo Done pause save that as c:\back.bat and make a desktop shortcut to it. What that does: It turns the echo off so that the commands are not echoed to the screen. Then it backs up the mail, photos and docs, puts the date and the time and a line into the Backplog.txt in the C: drive root directory, where it is easy to find. Then it writes Done onto the screen, and pauses, waiting for you to hit any key. That way you simply click on that shortcut icon and it wheelbarrows all the new or changed files in your mail directory AND it's subdirectories over to the machine with the CD burner, without any fuss whatsoever. You can also make a bat to show the backup log: type c:\Backplog.txt save that as showlog.bat and make a desktop icon for it. type means type it to the screen, with DOS being the typist. You can mess with that and leave off the Pause, which asks for hitting any key. Or you can have fun with it. For example, when I was writing the weigh station programs in the Yukon in the 80s, I used a similar back-up bat. At the end of it I put: echo Done pause echo Not THAT key! pause echo That's better There were some complaints, of course, but most operators took it with good humor. If you write those simple bat files and make shortcut icons to them, then you can just click on the back.bat icon and it does all your back-up to the external drive. No fuss, no muss. The showlog.bat shows you if the backup has been done. That is quite important if you have to rely on employees or relatives. Have FUN! DearWebby A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, was visited by this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The patient responded, with a deliberately slurry and sleepy voice: "Don't be silly, the attack lasted only 6 hours! I just got to where I had duck-taped that preacher's mouth and set his pants on fire, when the heart attack ended."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Remedies for Stinky Shoes 11 found this helpful Want to get rid of the stink? Stuff the shoes with newspaper. That's right. Newspaper. Shoes should be "stink-free" come morning! FranFran [3 Posts, 7 Comments] If you don't have paper newspapers anymore, get Zinc Oxide from the Pharmacy or Amazon. It's cheap. And it does the trick. Fill the shoe with the Zinc Oxide powder in the evening, and dump it out in the morning. Smell is gone for good. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Ray and Bobby decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They charter an airplane to take them to a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them, "I'll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?" A wek passes, and the pilot returns to find the hunters have shot two moose. The pilot says, "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose." Ray snaps back, "Hey, the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a real nice tip, if you catch my drift." The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and agrees to take both moose. They load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and strains trying to take off. Just when it gets off the ground it loses lift, and crashes into a tree. Ray and Bobby, dazed and confused, make there way out of the wreckage. Bobby looks around and says, "Where the heck are we?" The other looks around and replies, "About 100 yards further than we got last year!"
sad cat diary
____________________________________________________ A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her little daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you heard Mommy say." the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lawd, why in heall did I let Dave invite all these ungwatefull smobs to dinner again!?!" ____________________________________________________ My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games." ____________________________________________________
What a great way to live!

Today on September 30 in
1399 Henry Bolingbroke became the King of England as Henry

1777 The Congress of the United States moved to York, PA, due
to advancing British forces. 

1787 The Columbia left Boston and began the trip that would
make it the first American vessel to sail around the world. 

1846 Dr. William Morton performed a painless tooth extraction
after administering ether to a patient. 

1868 Spain's Queen Isabella was deposed and fled to France. 

1882 In Appleton, WI, the world's first hydroelectric power
plant began operating. 

1935 "Porgy and Bess" premiered in Boston. 

1938 The Munich Conference ended with a decision to appease
Adolf Hitler. Britain, and France allowed Czechoslovakia's
formerly German Sudetenland to be returned to Germany. 

1946 An international military tribunal in Nuremberg,
Germany, found 22 top Nazi leaders guilty of war crimes. 

1947 The World Series was televised for the first time. The
sponsors only paid $65,000 for the entire series between the
Brooklyn Dodgers and the New York Yankees. 

1949 The Berlin Airlift came to an end. The airlift had taken
2.3 million tons of food into the western sector despite the
Soviet blockade. 

1951 "The Red Skelton Show" debuted on NBC-TV. 

1954 The U.S. Navy commissioned the Nautilus submarine at
Groton, CT. It was the first atomic-powered vessel. The
submarine had been launched on January 21, 1954. 

1962 James Meredith succeeded in registering at the
University of Mississippi. It was his fourth attempt to

1963 The Soviet Union publicly declared itself on the side of
India in their dispute with Pakistan over Kashmir. 

1966 Albert Speer and Baldur von Schirach were released at
midnight from Spandau prison after completing their 20-year
sentences. Speer was the Nazi minister of armaments and von
Schirach was the founder of Hitler Youth. 

1971 A committee of nine people was organized to investigate
the prison riot at Attica, NY. 10 hostages and 32 prisoners
were killed when National Guardsmen stormed the prison on
September 13, 1971. 

1976 California enacted the Natural Death Act of California.
The law was the first example of right-to-die legislation in
the U.S. 

1980 Israel issued its new currency, the shekel, to replace
the pound. 

1983 The first AH-64 Apache attack helicopter was rolled out
by McDonnell Douglas Helicopter Company. 

1982 "Cheers" began an 11-year run on NBC-TV. 

1984 "Doonesbury" by Garry Trudeau returned. The socialist,
pro-Democrat Party comic strip had not been printed in nearly
20 months. 

1986 The U.S. released accused Soviet spy Gennadiy Zakharov,
one day after the Nicholas Daniloff had been released by the

1987 Mikhail S. Gorbachev retired President Andrei A. Gromyko
from the Politburo and fired other old-guard leaders in a
shake-up at the Kremlin. 

1989 Thousands of East Germans began stampeding West under an
accord between the NATO nations and the Soviet Union. 

1989 Non-Communist Cambodian guerrillas claimed that they had
captured 3 towns and 10 other positions from the residing
government forces. 

1990 The Soviet Union and South Korea opened diplomatic

1991 Haiti's first freely elected president, Jean-Bertrand
Aristide, was overthrown by Brigadier General Raoul Cedras.
Aristide was later returned to power. 

1992 Moscow banks distributed privatization vouchers aimed at
turning millions of Russians into capitalists. 

1993 U.S. chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell

1994 The space shuttle Endeavor took off on an 11-day
mission. Part of the mission was to use a radar instrument to
map remote areas of the Earth. 

1997 France's Roman Catholic Church apologized for its
silence during the persecution and deportation of Jews the
pro-Nazi Vichy regime. 

1998 Gov. Pete Wilson of California signed a bill into law
that defined "invasion of privacy as trespassing with the
intent to capture audio or video images of a celebrity or
crime victim engaging in a personal or family activity." The
law went into effect January 1, 1999. 

1999 In Tokaimura, Japan, radiation escaped a nuclear
facility after workers accidentally set off an uncontrolled
nuclear chain reaction. 

2014 Amazon filed for a patent for a UAV (unmanned aerial
vehicle) configured to autonomously deliver items to
customers. The patent was related to Amazon's plan for their
Prime Air service. 

2016  smiled.

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How do you make filters? 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, Sept 29

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Freeport man used pepper spray, metal pipe and 
firearm in attack. Arrested.
Details at Boneheads
Today, September 29, in 
1829 The first public appearance by London's re-organized
police force was met with jeers from political opponents. The
force became known as Scotland Yard. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ "A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol." --- Thomas Blackburn To do is to be --- Descartes To be is to do --- Voltaire Do be do be doo - --- Frank Sinatra Make love, not war --- Dr Tomothy Leary Hell, do both, get married! --- Rosy ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!" ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Bob's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Bob hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window. ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Derek Lloyd, 52, Freeport, Illinois Freeport man used pepper spray, metal pipe and firearm in attack A 52-year-old Freeport man pepper-sprayed a 66-year-old man, hit him with a metal pipe and then shot at a 21-year-old man who tried to intervene Wednesday, authorities said. Derek Lloyd is charged with aggravated discharge of a firearm, reckless discharge of a firearm, and five counts of aggravated battery, said Freeport Police Lt. Andrew Schroeder. He's also facing misdemeanor counts of not having a FOID card and criminal damage to property, said Schroeder. His bail is set at $200,000. Around 4:55 p.m. Wednesday, police received calls about shots being fired in the 600 block of Waddell Avenue. The 66-year- old man was walking down a sidewalk that ended at Lloyd's property. He kept walking on the property near the street. Lloyd approached the man, pepper sprayed him and punched him. Lloyd then used a metal pipe to attack the man, Schroeder said. A 21-year-old motorist stopped when he saw the scene, and Lloyd struck the man's car several times and pepper-sprayed him. After the motorist got the pipe away, Lloyd retreated to his house and retrieved a firearm. Lloyd fired the gun in the direction of the motorist at least once, Schroeder said. The 66-year-old man suffered several fractured bones in one of his hands from protecting himself, while the motorist's car was left with multiple dents, Schroeder said. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Scotty RE: How do you make a filter? Dear Webby, I read in your page today how you told that person to filter "make $" and they wud lose a lot of spam. I haven't the faintest idea how to filter, I have Virus protection, but don't know about filters. I wud be very much pleased if you cud pass the info to me at your convenience. Scotty Dear Scotty First you need a spam control program. I have tried almost all of them to be able to compare them, but I keep coming back to FireTrust Mail Washer. That is why I put that link to it in the side margin. With the Mail Washer you can let it clean out the bulk of the spam on it's own, and go after the rest of it with filters that you can make. Whenever you spot something that shows up again and again in spam, just make a filter for it. It's really easy and straightforward to do that, IF you have that program, but there is no point in explaining how to do it until you have a spam control program in front of you. Have FUN! DearWebby A couple of country doctors in West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, this crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Giving Plastic Pumpkins A Stone Look By Ana I. [24 Posts, 19 Comments] I wanted Halloween planters. My budget was small, but I had an idea to create this look with paints. I found these very inexpensive pumpkin buckets at Walmart for $1. I also had a large pumpkin bucket that was purchased at a thrift store, also for $1. Total Time: 2 hours Yield: 4 or more Supplies: pumpkin buckets spray paint craft paints sea sponge sealer flowers, optional Steps: Take your pumpkins and place on a tarp/or cardboard outside. Giving Plastic Pumpkins A Stone Look Spray paint; let dry. Use craft paints in the shades of cream, grey, light brown, or dark tan color, with your sea sponge (sea sponge works the best). Lightly press your sea sponge in the first color (cream) and lightly tap all over your pumpkin. Repeat the process with the next color (grey). Lastly use the light brown/dark tan color tapping lightly. Stand back and take a look. It appears to look like stone. You can add more color tapping to your liking, (stone has many looks). Dry. Add a spray sealer. You can put potted fall flowers in the pumpkins to finish the project. If you are in a hurry or want to save some money, just mix some Ply-Filla or Plaster-of-Paris, and slap it on with your hands or a rag. Depending on the type of plastic and on how much rain it gets, that will last many years. You can also use large pickle jars. I used a 2 gallon jar a kid in grade school, wrapped it with rags dipped in Plaster- of-Paris until it looked like a pretty fancy vase, and slathered and smoothed more Plaster-of-Paris on. Then I painted it with off-white enamel. That was in the 50's. Last time I visited, I saw that vase still in use with some dried fancy grasses in it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."
Synchronized Swimming - Stairway to Heaven
____________________________________________________ On a high school science quiz in Florida there was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases." ____________________________________________________ On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Tuesday afternoon." If it's a Cessna, it's two hours till Happy Hour. ____________________________________________________
Using turkey feathers as a canvas.

Today on September 29 in
1789 A regular army was established by the U.S. War
Department with several hundred men. 

1829 The first public appearance by London's re-organized
police force was met with jeers from political opponents. The
force became known as Scotland Yard. 

1940 The radio quiz show "Double or Nothing" debuted on the
Mutual Radio Network. 

1943 U.S. Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower and Italian Marchal
Pietro Badoglio signed an armistice aboard the British ship

1946 "The Adventures of Sam Spade" debuted on CBS Radio. 

1962 U.S. President John F. Kennedy nationalized the
Mississippi National guard in response to city officials
defying federal court orders. The orders had been to enroll
James Meredith at the University of Mississippi. 

1967 The International Monetary Fund reformed monetary
systems around the world. 

1977 Eva Shain became the first woman to officiate a
heavyweight title boxing match. About 70 million people
watched Muhammad Ali defeat Ernie Shavers on NBC-TV. 

1982 In Chicago, IL, seven people died after taking capsules
of Extra-Strength Tylenol that had been laced with cyanide.
264,000 bottles were recalled. 

1983 The War Powers Act was used for the first time by the
U.S. Congress when they authorized President Reagan to keep
U.S. Marines in Lebanon for 18 more months. 

1983 "A Chorus Line" with performance number 3,389 became the
longest running show on Broadway. 

1984 Irish officials announced that they had intercepted the
Marita Anne carrying seven tons of U.S.-purchased weapons.
The weapons were intended for the Irish Republican Army. 

1984 Elizabeth Taylor was voted to be the world's most
beautiful woman in a Louis Harris poll. Taylor was at the
time in the Betty Ford Clinic overcoming a weight problem. 

1988 The space shuttle Discovery took off from Cape Canaveral
in Florida. It was the first manned space flight since the
Challenger disaster. 

1990 "Millie's Book" by First Lady Barbara Bush was the best-
selling non-fiction book in the U.S. 

1992 Brazilian lawmakers overwhelmingly voted to impeach
President Fernando Collor de Mello. 

1993 Bosnia's parliament voted overwhelmingly to reject an
international peace plan unless Bosnian Serbs returned land
that had been taken by force. 

1994 The U.S. House voted to end the practice of lobbyists
buying meals and entertainment for members of Congress. 

1998 Hasbro announced plans to introduce an action figure of
retired U.S. General Colin Powell. 

2008 The Dow Industrial Average lost 777 points. It was the
largest one-day decline to date. The drop came after the U.S.
House of Representatives had voted down a $700 billion bank
bailout plan. 

2010 In China, Canton Tower became operational. 

2016  smiled.

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She can't block spammers 

Good Morning, ,

Today is Wednesday, Sept 28

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Missouri student busted while driving with avocado pipe
Details at Boneheads
Today, September 28, in 
1066 England was invaded by William the Conqueror who 
claimed the English throne. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather (1908 - 1976) Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. --- Dan Rather (1931 - ) Women like silent men, they think they're listening. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Dora My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started." Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do." ------------------ Hmmmm, looks like I will have to rip the name tags out of my shirts and sew them in a bit higher up so that they CAN peek out. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Benjamin Hensley, 21, Branson, Missouri Missouri student busted while driving with avocado pipe While patrolling a stretch of highway a Missouri sheriff’s deputy spotted a motorist smoking a pipe and exhaling “a cloud of smoke.” After pulling in behind the suspect around 9:35 PM, a cop noticed the vehicle had a break light out, so he “activated his emergency equipment” and stopped the car on a street in Branson, the popular tourist destination. As two deputies approached the auto, they recognized the “strong odor of marijuana emitting from the interior of the car,” which was being driven by Benjamin Hensley, 21. A deputy asked Hensley what he had been smoking while driving, according to a Taney County Sheriff’s Office report. Hensley, seen above, then “pointed to an avocado in the center cup holder of the vehicle.” Hensley explained that he had fashioned the avocado into a pot pipe. He then handed the fruit (yes, avocado is a fruit) to a deputy, who noted the “strong odor of burnt marijuana emitting from a hole in the avocado.” Hensley then retrieved a small bag of pot from the car’s center console and turned it over to a cop, who cited him for marijuana possession. In a two-count misdemeanor information filed last week, prosecutors tacked on a second charge, since “defendant possessed an avocado, which was drug paraphernalia.” Deputies confiscated the avocado during the traffic stop. At the direction of an evidence technician, a deputy reported, “I placed the avocado in the evidence freezer.” Hensley is scheduled for arraignment on October 17. The avocado enthusiast is a University of Arkansas student whose family lives in Branson. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: George RE: Unable to block Dear Webby, I received this spam at my old address, but am unable to add the address to the 'Blocked Sender List' because of the '-' ! My question for you: How can I get rid of this spammer? From: comcast@unspecified-domain To: ...... George Dear George The problem is not the dash, but the missing ".com" "unspecified-domain" means the spammer didn't specify a domain. I don't bother filtering by the usually forged FROM address. I filter by the content. How many legitimate mails do you get that have "make $" in them ? None. Filter for "make $" in the body, and you will dump a lot of spam right there. Have FUN! DearWebby GOVERNMENT WORK RULES 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clunks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat. 5) If it's the Boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) If it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
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Daily tip from Apple Cake By Mary Ray [16 Posts, 4 Comments] A great way to use apples and make a delicious homemade cake. Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 60 minutes Total Time: 90 minutes Yield: 8-12 servings Ingredients: 5 cups chopped apples 1 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup coconut oil 2 eggs, large 1 tsp rum extract 2 tsp ground cinnamon 2 tsp baking soda 2 cups all purpose flour 2 cups chopped pecans or walnuts-toasted confectioners sugar Steps: Peel, core and chop apples. Approximately 5 cups chopped. In mixing bowl add sugar, coconut oil, eggs and rum extract. Beat until creamed. In separate bowl mix together baking soda, flour and cinnamon. Add dry ingredients to liquid. Pour into a 10 inch tube cake pan that has been oiled (coconut). Bake for 1 hr. at 350 F. Cool on rack for 10 minutes. Turn out cake unto a plate and dust with confectioners sugar. Turn out cake unto a plate and dust with confectioners sugar.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No, not at all." said the doctor calmly, "hat stuff in there is quite poisonous to a kid and he'll quiten down soon enough."
let me in!
____________________________________________________ An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Key West Florida. His wife was on a business trip that was ending the next day and planned to fly directly to Key West to meet him, so they could have more time together during their vacation. When he arrived at his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he had written her company e-mail address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he did not get it exactly right and the message was routed instead to a preachers wife, whose husband had just passed away earlier that week. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at her monitor, let out a blood curdling scream and passed out in a dead faint. The woman's daughter having heard the scream and the loud thud, rushed into the room. There she saw her mother lying on the floor and the following message on the computer screen: MY DARLING WIFE: JUST CHECKED IN, EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. LOOKING FORWARD TO US BEING TOGETHER AGAIN. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND P.S. IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE! ____________________________________________________ Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the creep who pushed me in the pool!" ____________________________________________________
The two colored rivers in Germany

Today on September 28 in
1066 England was invaded by William the Conqueror who claimed
the English throne. 

1542 San Diego, CA, was discovered by Portuguese navigator
Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo. 

1687 The Turks surrendered Athens to the Venetians. 

1781 During the Revolutionary War, American forces began the
siege on Yorktown, VA. 

1850 The U.S. Navy abolished flogging as a form of

1850 U.S. President Millard Fillmore named Brigham Young the
first governor of the Utah territory. In 1857, U.S. President
James Buchanan removed Young from the position. 

1892 The first nighttime football game in the U.S. took place
under electric lights. The game was between the Mansfield
State Normal School and the Wyoming Seminary. 

1915 The British defeated the Turks in Mesopotamia (Iraq) at

1924 The first around-the-world flight was completed by two
U.S. Army planes when they landed in Seattle, WA. The trip
took 175 days. 

1939 During World War II, Germany and the Soviet Union agreed
upon a plan on the division of Poland. 

1950 The United Nations admitted Indonesia. 

1967 The first mayor of Washington, DC, Walter Washington,
took office. 

1972 Communist China and Japan agreed to re-establish
diplomatic relations. 

1978 Heavy fighting occurred in Lebanon between Syrian
peacekeeping troops and Lebanese Christian militiamen. 

1978 Don Sherman, editor of Car & Driver, set a new Class E
record in Utah. Driving the Mazda RX7 he reached a speed of
183.904 mph. 

1990 The Game Boy handheld video game device was released in

1991 In response to U.S. President Bush's reduction of U.S.
nuclear arms Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev promised
to reciprocate. 

1995 Yasser Arafat of the PLO and Israeli Prime Minister
Yitzhak Rabin signed an accord that transferred control of
the West Bank. 

1997 The 103rd convention of the Audio Engineering Society
(AES) was held in New York City, NY. The official debut of
the DVD format was featured. 

2000 The U.S. Federal Drug Administration approved the use of
RU-486 in the United States. The pill is used to induce an

2004 Nate Olive and Sarah Jones arrived at the U.S.-Mexico
border to complete the first known continuous hike of the
1,800-mile trail down the U.S. Pacific Coast. They started
the trek on June 8. 

2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 2 billion applications

2016  smiled.

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