Dear Webby: What is SSH ? 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, Nov 22, 2007 Wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears. --- Robert W. Sarnoff The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Kathy and Suzy are having a conversation during there lunch break. Kathy asks, "So, Suzy, how's your sex life these days?" Suzy replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Kathy asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

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After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to GPS addicted driver in Sweden Bumpy Road November 22, 2007 - Croatia - Ananova The British singer who sang the Croatian anthem before last night's match accidentally sang 'My penis is a mountain'. Tony Henry was trying to sing the national anthem in Croatian, but reportedly got the words wrong. Fans say the mispronunciation helped the players relax before the game at Wembley where Croatia beat England 3-2. The national anthem is written in old style Croatian, and there can be slightly different interpretations in English because it is a very lyrical language. The line in which Henry slipped up should have been "mila kuda si planina" (You know my dear how we love your mountains). But what he actually sang was "mila kura si planina" which means "Dear Penis, you are a Mountain" or "My Dear, my penis is a mountain". Croat players Manchester City's Vedran Corluka and Arsenal target Luka Modric started looking at each other and grinning when they realised what he was singing. Croat fan websites have been calling for Henry to be given a medal of honour for helping the players relax, they also want him made an official team mascot for the tournament. Mate Prlic, publisher of the top Croatian footballing Torcida Magazine said: "It would be great if Tony Henry could join the Croatian team and fans at the European Championship in Austria and Switzerland. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2609509.html?menu=
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: SSH Dear Webby What exactly is SSH? A program I am trying to buy, requires that I have SSH access. However, my web host tells me that I don't need it and would not know how to use it, even if I had it. So, what is it and what does it do? Alex Dear Alex SSH is secure access to the server command line, just like Telnet used to be until about 15 years ago. The main difference is that SSH is securely encrypted and can't be intercepted. It is not difficult to use, and programs, that require it, are very specific and detailed about what you need to do. Usually they even give you the exact command to type or paste to the command line. Then you type that in and hit Enter. No big deal at all. Web hosting is often like an MLM pyramid. The farther down you are, the fewer rights and privileges you have. When you don't get SSH, but instead get a snotty reply implying that you would not know how to use it, then you know you have hit rock bottom, and it's time to move up a few levels. The bare command line can be a bit intimidating to some people, but at our level, for example, we explain what each command does, and step you through it while connected to you via Skype chat. Sure, it takes a bit more time, but you learn, and next time you know how to do it yourself. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Thanks to Ann for this story: I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appoint- ment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only. On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m. and there were already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings. The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks great!"

Deeli's Kudos November 22, 2007 - Northkingstown, Rhode Island - AP It was at the Honey Dew Donut shop that Cyndi LaRose and her honey said, "I do." LaRose and Joseph David Smith exchanged wedding vows Wednesday at the North Kingstown shop where they had met. Marjorie Harrison, the baker, made the food. Faraq Mohamed, the shop's owner, greeted customers with a simple question: "Coffee or the wedding?" A former probate judge conducted the ceremony. The shop's regulars served as the witnesses. "I had the privilege of knowing Joe and Cyndi before they met," Mohamed said. "I watched as they fell in love." LaRose, 49, a caregiver for Coventry Home Care, has been coming to the shop for years. Smith, 58, who works at Kingstown Mobile Home Park, started coming when his niece worked behind the counter. "I saw this good-looking guy standing up there," LaRose said. "He was a country-looking guy, the type I look for, the Grizzly Adams type." But they didn't really fall in love until they helped Mohamed with an errand a few weeks ago. Two days later, Smith asked her to marry him. They picked out rings last week. They thought about having the ceremony on the beach, but decided it was too cold. The doughnut shop is a casual place where most of their friends hang out anyway, so it was a perfect fit. "I don't even own a dress," LaRose said. "You couldn't get me in a tie," Smith said. The couple planned to spend a Thanksgiving weekend honeymoon at a Connecticut casino. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... op_wedding

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice- neutrons all going round in circles. Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy Bulk Nuts for Baking If you are planning on baking, buy bulk nuts. You can store any that you don't use in the freezer and you will save a lot of money. In fact, most baking ingredients can be bought in bulk at significant savings and be stored long term either in dry storage or the freezer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

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Dear ebby: Alternatives to Norton 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Nov 22, 2007 Happy Thanksgiving Day, if you are in the US!
The best way to predict the future is to invent it. --- Alan Kay To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
After booking my 80-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother need a rental car?"
Thanks to Millie for this story: As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street. As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on." My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

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Swine Flu ALERT! Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are: 1.) Sore throat. 2.) Slight headache. 3.) Moderate to high temperature. 4.) Nausea or upset stomach. 5.) Uncontrollable urge to roll around in the mud. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to GPS addicted driver in Sweden Bumpy Road November 19, 2007 - Vanersborg, Sweden - UPI A Swedish driver who trusted his onboard GPS navigation system more than his eyes wound up driving on railroad tracks in a snow storm. The driver followed the directions he got from his GPS system and steered his car onto the rail tracks Friday. The gadget told him there was a turn in the road, but the reality is there was no turn there. "It was a Norwegian GPS, but there have been several of these kinds of accidents where drivers have trusted their GPS more than the road," said police spokesman Stefan Gustafsson. There was almost 4 inches of fresh snow on the ground when the driver made his wrong turn, the newspaper said. Officials halted all rail traffic when the driver alerted authorities he was stuck. It wasn't clear how far he had traveled along the tracks until he realized that the road should not be quite that bumpy. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-260324-323458
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Alternatives to Norton Dear Webby what do you recommend instead of Norton??? I have norton along with my DSL from AT&T bob Dear Bob I use McAfee VirusScan and FireWall. The rest of their stuff is not so hot. For spam control I use MailWasher, and against malware I use Spybot-Search&Destroy. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Nurse: "Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?" Doctor: "Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!"

Deeli's Kudos November 20, 2007 - Orange County, Florida - WFTV A bad guy trying to rob a convenience store had a knife, but the two men who helped stop him had a baseball bat and a machete. Orange County sheriff's investigators are looking for the men who helped stop the robbery at the Citgo at John Young Parkway and Oakridge Road. They said the store's surveillance video is so grainy, they can't identify the two helpful eyewitnesses. Around 2:00am Tuesday, Orange County sheriff's detectives said Rule walked into the Citgo like he was going to buy something, but he didn't have any money. The clerk said the suspect, identified as 39-year-old Bryon Rule, threw a Little Debbie Zebra Cake at him and then rushed toward him with a knife. They struggled a little bit, but the clerk was able to close the door on him. That's when Rule walked around to the front window, pushed the computer on the clerk and quickly grabbed the register. Two customers happened to pull up as Rule tried to leave the store, but they held the door shut so he couldn't get out. He found his way out through the back door. Investigators said Rule went after the two men with his knife, but investigators said the men fought back with a machete and a baseball bat. "I saw him on the floor and I said, 'Stay on the floor until the police come,' and I give the phone to someone else, call the police," Rahal said. When police showed up, the two Good Samaritans were gone. Now investigators are desperate to find them. "They're obviously Good Samaritans, but they're not here and we need to talk to them because they're witnesses," explained Det. Jason Sams. Rule was rushed him to Orlando Regional Medical Center with severe cuts on his hands. Detectives said the two men aren't in any trouble. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/14646893/detail.html

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat." Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mattresses Have Fragile Handles Don't move a mattress by picking it up by the handles on either side. They are made to shift the mattress from side to side and tend to break when used to move the whole mattress. Press both hands together on either side to get a grip on it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy goes to the doctor due to a hangnail. He walks in, tells the nurse what is wrong and she immediately tells him: "Go into the cubicle on the left and take off all your clothes. The doctor will be with you shortly." Wondering why this problem would require one to undress, he nontheless complies. After a few minutes, he becomes aware someone is in the cubicle next to his, separated only by a curtain. He peeks and there is another guy standing there undressed. He attracts the man's attention, then asks "Why do you suppose that nurse told me to take off all my clothes? I only have a hangnail?" The other man replied, "No idea, I'm just the UPS man trying to deliver a package."

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Dear Webby: CAT 5 or CAT 6 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Nov 21, 2007
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." --- William S. Burroughs We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us. --- George Eliot
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday." "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen. The guide replied, "One."

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My brother and his wife shared their apartment with a parakeet named "Nicky." The exterminator was scheduled to come, so my sister-in-law put Nicky in the bedroom and hung a sign on the door: "Please skip this room. Do not open door. Pet flies." The exterminator came. On his receipt he wrote this comment: "Finished all of the apartment except room with pet flies." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to three dope dealers in Vancouver, BC Extra time for false alarm November 16, 2007 - West Vancouver, British Columbia - Canadian Press A trio of drug trafficking suspects tried to dial their way out of trouble after a roadside bust in West Vancouver, B.C. Police say the three Vancouver men were detained Thursday when officers detected a strong marijuana odour coming out of their vehicle during a traffic stop. While the officers spoke with one suspect outside the vehicle, West Vancouver police received a 911 call with a male voice reporting a robbery in progress at a local bank. The area was quickly contained by other officers and the report was confirmed to be false. Police continued the drug investigation and seized more than 11 kilograms of marijuana from the vehicle, then arrested the suspects on charges of possession of a controlled substance. Officers later determined the 911 call came from a cellphone found on one of the suspects, and now the men - aged 31, 29, and 17 - are facing additional charges of mischief. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... e_diallers
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Isobel Re: CAT5 or CAT6 Dear Webby Is there any real performance difference between CAT5 and CAT6 cable in a home office? is there any difference in the way it is installed? Thanks Isobel Dear Isobel CAT6 MAY show a slight performance gain on long runs of over 200 feet, especially in electrically noisy environments. I doubt that you will be able to measure a speed difference in a home office. CAT6 cable uses the same 8P8C (RJ45) connector as CAT5, but requires a lot more cussing to get it into the connector. If you do use CAT6 cable, do yourself a favor and buy it in suitable pieces, with the connectors factory molded onto the ends. CAT5 cable is fairly easy to stuff into 8P8C (RJ45) connectors and the crimper is cheap. In a quiet home office you can usually get away with using cheap "Station Z" alarm cable and get just as good results as CAT6. However, if your provider has problems with supplying a connection at the speed that you pay for, they will blame the problem on your cable. Switching at that time to CAT6 won't make any difference to your connection speed, but they will have to come up with a different excuse. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

Deeli's Kudos November 18, 2007 - Churchill, Manitoba - Canadian Press Isobel, a six-year-old husky cross, has all the great qualities of a sled dog. She loves to run, has strength and endurance, and works well alongside the other dogs tethered to the sleds that take tourists out on the subarctic terrain of Churchill, Manitoba. Isobel not only follows other dogs on the sled team owned by Jenafor Ollander and her common-law husband, she sometimes runs lead in tandem with another husky. Isobel wasn't born blind. Everything seemed fine until one day three years ago, when she suddenly came to a halt in the middle of a sled run and started staggering around. "We hooked her back up in her house and noticed that both of her pupils were completely dilated," Ollander said. Ollander figured she would be happy and safer inside. Ollander was wrong. "She stopped eating and drinking and we were quite concerned about what was going on," Ollander said. "We happened to bring one of our other sled dogs home, and she perked right up. So it dawned on us that the problem was she was depressed and she missed her pack more than anything else." With some hesitation, Ollander's husband decided to take a chance and hook Isobel up to the sled team and see what would happen. "That dog ran like you wouldn't believe. She ran better than when she had her eyesight," Ollander said. Isobel has been running ever since. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... d_sled_dog

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use the Crockpot for Stuffing Prepare your favorite stuffing and bake it in your crockpot while the turkey occupies the oven. You can prep this the day before and refrigerate. It is so much easier, tastier and safer than stuffing it into the turkey. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The pro football team had just finished its daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

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Dear Webby: Does SP1 fix Vista ? 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Nov 20, 2007
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- Mark Twain The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet. -- William Gibson
Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work." "When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea." "Then, when you wanted to jazz up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right! "But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another good idea." "However, the neon sign out front that says, 'Toot 'n tell or go to hell', has got to go!
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume. Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

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A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from making me go with them to visit Aunt Helen." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gerald Rocchi, 32, of Ashland, Kentucky Armed with a stapler November 16, 2007 - ashland Kentucky - AP A man wearing a ski mask used a stapler to hold up an eastern Kentucky ice cream store - and briefly escaped with $175, authorities said. Gerald Rocchi, 32, was arrested shortly after he flashed a chrome-plated stapler at an employee of The Ice Cream Shop in Ashland on Tuesday and demanded money, police said. Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn't know if Rocchi planned to shoot staples at the shop's employees if he didn't get the cash. Several witnesses saw Rocchi leave the shop and told police where he was headed, Petrella said. After arresting Rocchi, police searched his house and found money, a stapler and a ski mask, Petrella said. Petrella said the stapler's chrome finish could have made it look like a gun "if someone didn't get a good look at it." Rocchi was charged with first-degree robbery. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... ler_bandit
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Does SP1 fix Vista? Dear Webby Vista SP1 has been out in Beta for a while now. Does that finally fix it enough to make it good enough, or is it a dead end? I am going to buy a new machine and need to know which OS to order. Irene Dear Irene SP1 is just a collection of the security patches that have come out since last year. There is nothing awe inspiring in it, no interesting goodies, nothing that would fire up any enthusiasm or make you overlook that Vista is a lemon. Vista is still not good enough to sell. When you buy a computer with Vista pre-installed, you don't really buy Vista. It remains the property of the computer maker, who gets a subsidy for pre-installing it. That is why computers with Vista are $200 to $300 cheaper than computers with XP installed. No subsidy for XP. When something is so bad, that it has to be subsidized to the tune of a few hundred dollars, and is promptly formatted off most machines within the first week, I can't recommend it. Pay the extra $200 for an un-subsidized XP machine, or budget $100 to $150 to have your neighborhood computer fixer format it for you and put XP on it. Sooner or later you will do that anyway, and it is smarter to do that before you fill it up with data. Here is a lighthearted review of Vista: Vista Review Have FUN! DearWebby

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In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (hand-written underneath) ~ "Socks can eat any place they want."

Deeli's Kudos November 19, 2007 - Rochester, New York - AP Contractors working at the historic home of Susan B. Anthony found an unopened letter addressed to the famed suffragist, accompanied by her paycheck. The letter was dated April 2, 1901, and included the $41.06 check for Anthony's monthly salary as clerk of the National Woman's Suffrage Association. In the friendly note, association treasurer Harriet Taylor Upton tells Anthony about her recent election to her local school board. The Susan B. Anthony House was the activist's home and the site of her 1872 arrest for illegally voting in the presidential election. Staff and volunteers there think the letter was dropped and fell between the cracks in a stairway. http://www.happynews.com/news/11192007/ ... -found.htm

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me and get me a coffee while you are up anyway."

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Artwork for Your Walls If you can't afford art prints, find some old calendars with artwork by your favorite artists and take them apart. Place them in a nice dollar store frame or use for a collage. Outdated calendars can be bought for next to nothing. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

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Dear Webby: Hotmail attachment problem 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Nov 19, 2007
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. --- Orson Welles Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody. --- Franklin P. Adams
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a hall on the second floor, I overheard two students say, "I really like the skylights on the third floor." "Me too," remarked the second student. "I don't know why they didn't just put some on the second floor too."
My violin teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the class raised their hand and asked, "Did they mae it specially for you?"

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Thanks to Arnie for this story: I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to two Detroit gas station owners Deadly price war November 17, 2007 - Detroit, Michigan - AP Detroit police say a war between two gas stations took a shocking and tragic turn with a station owner shooting his rival who was irate over a gas-price cut. The shooting happened around 10:45 a.m. at the Marathon station near the corner of Springwells and Fort Street in southwest Detroit. Investigators say the confrontation started when the owner of the BP station on that corner went to the Marathon station to discuss with its owner why he'd dropped the price for a gallon of unleaded gas to $2.93 per gallon, three cents less than BP. The discussion quickly escalated into a fight with two more people from the BP station brawling with rivals at Marathon. One man was hit with a baseball bat in the melee. And then, police say, the 51-year-old owner of the Marathon station pulled out a gun and shot and killed the owner of the BP, Jawad Bazzi, a 45-year-old father of five children. In a wild post-script, it appears the BP station took advantage of the shooting. While police were still swarming the Marathon station, the BP jacked up its prices. WXYZ's Bill Proctor reports that as soon as the owner's body was taken away, workers at BP changed the price-per-gallon of unleaded from $2.96 to $3.09. http://www.wxyz.com/news/local/story.as ... c69f90cff2
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture by his nephew Greg: Katydid (Order Orthoptera) and Snow-on-the-Mountain (Euphorbia marginata)
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Earl Re: Attachments in Hotmail I have a technical question. My email is from hotmail and recently (a few weeks ago) they upgraded their program and suddenly I can't forward anything that has an attachment. When I try it says "Show Plain Text" and behind any attachment is will have "Remove". Do you have any information on how I can get the program to forward attachments? Earl Dear Earl I have no clue how Hotmail works. Sorry, can't help you there. Maybe one of the subscribers knows and will tell me. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly. "Yes, Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds, so I can't sleep." "Captain, shut up and pretend to be busy. "

Deeli's Kudos November 18, 2007 - Augusta, Georgia - CNN Walking into the Colur Tyme Tattoo Parlor is a lot like walking into a head shop. One wall is lined with gang monikers and symbols, the other with bongs for smoking marijuana and other drugs -- one even shaped like a skull. Only this head shop was a setup. It was a police front in a sting operation to bust gangs in this Georgia river city. Authorities said some guns sold to the shop were used in crimes just hours earlier. The idea was to create a place where the gang members would feel right at home, said sheriff's Lt. Scott Peebles. And that they did. On Wednesday, more than 100 sheriff's officers, state investigators and agents with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives carried out a major bust after an 18-month joint investigation into the gang activity. Sixty-eight suspects were arrested on charges ranging from trafficking of illegal weapons to serious drug offenses. Authorities seized more than 300 weapons, including high-powered assault rifles. The shop even put up its' own MySpace page. "You think it, we ink it" was the MySpace slogan. It featured the back of a tattooed man, and below in large red letters agents told visitors to the site, "We buy what others won't." Authorities said the guns came rolling in, and then came this week's bust. http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/16/gang.bust/index.html

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Silverware Line a pan with aluminum foil, fill it with water, add 1 Tbsp. of baking soda for each 2 cups. Heat to boiling and remove from heat. Add silver then rinse and polish them lightly. The foil attracts the tarnish so make sure the silver touches the foil. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e".

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Re-using desktop background 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, Nov 18, 2007
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. --- Clarence Darrow It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. --- Steven Wright
Thanks to Deeli for this one: A technology buff spent a good long while puzzling over the overly-vague ad in 'Popular Engineering' for a ball-bearing mousetrap. He tried to figure out how it could possibly work, then finally gave up thinking and just sent away for one. A week later, a tomcat arrived via parcel post.
An hysterical mother phones the family's pediatrician with an emergency. "Doctor," she says, "I was writing a letter when my two-year-old came along, grabbed my fancy fountain pen and swallowed it. What should I do?" "Don't panic, I'll be right over," says the doctor. "In the meantime, what are you doing?" he asks. "I'm using a pencil."

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A Sunday School teacher is telling her class the story of Jonah and the whale. The childrenís eyes get bigger and bigger as she tells them that Jonah was swallowed by the whale and sat in its stomach for three days and three nights before God answered his prayer and the whale expelled Jonah onto dry land. When she finishes the story the teacher asks, "Now children, what does this story teach us?" There's a long pause. Finally, a six-year-old boy exclaims: "You can't keep a good man down!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to drunk father and son in Clio, Michigan Bad Example November 15, 2007 - Clio, Michigan - AP A police officer checking on a truck that got stuck in the mud at a city park was startled to find a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel. The officer also was surprised that the boy appeared to be drunk. So did the teen's father, who was riding in the front seat. He told police that he had turned over the driving duties to his son because he'd had too much to drink. Open containers of beer and liquor were found in the vehicle, said Clio Police Chief James McLellan. "(The boy) even said he didn't want to drive because he was too drunk," McLellan told The Flint Journal for a story published Thursday. The father, 41, is facing several misdemeanor counts, including child endangerment, allowing an intoxicated person to drive his vehicle and allowing an unlicensed minor to drive, police said. The boy has been petitioned into juvenile court on charges that include driving while intoxicated, police said. The pair were arrested the night of November 8. They apparently were trying to get home when they turned into the park to turn around. The truck rolled off the pavement and became stuck in the muddy soil. http://www.wral.com/news/strange/story/2050054/
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: High speed unloading in Nazki Valley, BC
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Re-using desktop background Webby, I found a pretty fall picture and made it my desktop picture. I do not remember where I found it. How can I save it when I get ready to put a winter scene on my desktop. (I have a laptop) Thanks P.S. As always, I sure enjoy your newsletter!!! Carolyn/Indiana Dear Carolyn Look in MyPictures I would be wiling to bet that you saved it to there, and that Windows is serving it to the desktop from there. You can even make a screen saver from the pictures that you saved to MyPictures. Just move the ones that are not suitable to a different folder. When you select "SlideShow" as your screen saver, it uses the pictures in that folder. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A ThirdAger is getting his annual physical when the doctor notices several dark, ugly bruises on the man's shins. "Do you play hockey, soccer or another physical sport?" the doctor asks. "No," says the man. "I play bridge with my wife."

Deeli's Kudos November 12, 2007 - New Castle, Indiana - AP A car wash change machine paid off like a Las Vegas slot for one customer, but he turned over his booty to police. Eldon McCammack put a dollar in the change machine Saturday at the Trojan Car Wash in this city about 65 kilometres east of Indianapolis. In return, he got 1,042 quarters, or $260.50. McCammack, 71, said he first grabbed a top from a trash can to catch the coins. Another customer found a plastic container for the overflow. McCammack brought the jackpot to the police station, where officers counted the quarters, put them in an evidence locker and called the car wash's owner. McCammack went back later and washed his car. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 33-ap.html

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." "But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Roasting Pumpkin Seeds When carving pumpkins for pie, don't throw out the seeds! Wash off the gooey stuff, spread on a cookie sheet, sprinkle with Lawry's (seasoning) salt and bake at 375 degrees F for about 10 minutes. Makes a great snack. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief. "No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, '****! ****! ****!', who would have rescued me?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Great Landscapes
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Dear Webby: Laptop keyboard 


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Good Morning, ! Saturday, Nov 17, 2007
The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. --- Thomas H. Huxley Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. --- Cullen Hightower
Peter and Kate were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Kate turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, "Who told you about us!?"
During an award ceremony the wife of Spain's ambassador to Washington asked former Sen. George Mitchell if he could make his speech a bit longer, since the ambassador had still not arrived from the airport. Mitchell replied: "I spent years in the U.S. Senate, Madam. I can speak on any subject for any length of time -- especially on a subject about which I have no particular knowledge."

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Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the data entry tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true, Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ryann Jean Stafford, 26, of Meridian, Idaho Burned Bison November 9, 2007 - Meridian, Idaho - AP A southwest Idaho woman accused of setting fire to a mounted bison head at her ex-husband's home faces arson charges. Police arrested Ryann Jean Stafford, 26, Thursday on a charge of third-degree arson, a felony. Investigators said Stafford and her former spouse got into an argument at his home. But after he left the house, police said Stafford began throwing objects and then used a lighter to ignite the mounted head. Another person who lives at the home extinguished the fire. A judge has set bond at $100,000 and Stafford is being held in the Ada County Jail. The maximum penalty for third-degree arson is 10 years in prison. http://apnews1.iwon.com/article/20071110/D8SQJ7DO0.html
Thanks to Deeli for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sophia Re: Laptop Keyboard Dear Webby, Your web site is wonderful. I love it. It's humorous, clean, helpful in technology and inspirational. It lifts up my spirit lots of times. Many times when I felt down, I went to your web site, read some philosophical excerpts, humors, special news here and there, watched some rare photos, read the tech support, I learned something, I felt better. Thank you very much for your great work to create this web site. I have a question regarding my laptop, I hope you could help. Two buttons of my laptop are stop working: the period button and the arrow up button. When I press them, they don't function at all. What can I do to fix this problem? I really hope you could help. Thanks again and have a nice day! Sophia Dear Sophia That would depend a lot on what brand and model laptop you have. If it is still under warranty, they will replace the keyboard free. If it is not, most likely you will have to buy a new keyboard. Usually laptop keyboards are not repairable. Personally, I use regular keyboards with laptops. They are much faster, easier on the hands, and cheap to replace. When buying a keyboard, first measure your carry-on and see how long a keyboard you can fit into it, then buy the biggest that will just fit in. Usually, the wider a keyboard is, the faster and easier it is on your hands. An example I use: The DELL 310-8475 keyboard is 44 cm (17 3/16inches) long and nicely fits into almost any carry-on and many laptop cases. It has a smooth and fast key action and at $15, it is a bargain compared to most laptop keyboard replacements. It is good and sturdy and does not suffer from rough traveling and wild environments. It also handles a hotkey KVM switcher quite nicely. I am using it to switch between two computers by tapping the numlock key twice, instead of moving from one keyboard to the other. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Little Nancy wailed over her doll, crushed by car tires when her mother had backed over it. Finally, her mother had heard enough, "Don't come crying to me. I told you not to leave it on the porch!"

Deeli's Kudos November 16, 2007 - Cedar Rapids, Iowa - AP A cat named Oreo is being credited for nipping a carbon monoxide leak in the bud. Jeanie Probst said her cat began to act strangely since she began using her heater in the past couple of weeks. ''He came out here yelling,'' Probst said. Oreo would run in circles under the vent or jump onto the back of a chair, stare at the register and make loud noises, she said. ''It was one of those scary meows,'' Probst said. Once the heat would go off, Oreo would act normal again. Probst said she and her boyfriend began to realize they were getting headaches and feeling tired. They called MidAmerican Energy, which discovered the furnace was pumping carbon monoxide into their Cedar Rapids apartment, and a technician fixed it. http://www.happynews.com/news/11162007/ ... e-leak.htm

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few house calls, he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him and asked, "What's the matter? Didn't yuh like me er somethin'?" The doctor said, "No, it's your ducks at the entrance. Every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Christmas Pasta Crafts For Kids Turn your kids loose with various sizes and shapes of pasta, a bottle of glue, and some glitter! They can create beautiful snowflakes, angels or more! It works best to glue the projects on small sheets of wax paper so you can peel the wax paper off after the project dries. Glue made from flour and water works fine not just for antique furniture, but also for most kids crafts. It can even be tinted with food coloring. As an added benefit, unlike Crazy Glue it can not be used to glue the obnoxious little sister's hands to the outsides of the toilet bowl. By the way, any pasta art "kit" should also have a few strands of soft cooked spaghetti for line art and "Stained Glass" type pictures. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It is almost impossible for the human mind to comprehend such size and distance. And yet, our galaxy is just the beginning of what is in outer space! There is something even more staggering. It is this: So many galaxies have now been detected that it has been said they "are as common as blades of grass in a meadow." About ten billion galaxies are in the observable universe! But there are many more beyond the range of today's telescopes. Some astronomers estimate that there are 100 billion galaxies in the universe! And each galaxy may contain hundreds of billions of stars! You have no problem grasping that, right? But if I tell you that the paint on the door is not dry yet, you have to touch it to confirm that.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Great Landscapes
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Dear Webby: Forward / Back buttons in the status line 


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Good Morning, ! Friday, Nov 16, 2007 Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. --- George Orwell Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them. --- Leo Tolstoy
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The CAT
RULES OF THE OFFICE ** If it rings, put it on hold; ** If it clanks, call the repairman; ** If it whistles, ignore it; ** If it's a friend, take a break; ** If it's the boss, look busy; ** If it talks, take notes; ** If it's handwritten, type it; ** If it's typed, copy it; ** If it's copied, file it; ** If it's Friday, forget it!

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Sunday School Bloopers: Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Stewart of Ayr, Scotland Sex with bicycle A MAN caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years' probation. Robert Stewart, 51, was caught in the act by two cleaners who walked into his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr. http://snipurl.com/1tqb1

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bobbi Re: Forward and Back via bottom Status line Dear Webby I have IE6 on my computer. There were forward and back arrows at the bottom of each e-mail message that you could use to go to the next message, or back. Now they have suddenly disappeared. I have to go to the top of each message after reading it to use the arrow up there to go on to the next message. So far, IE help has been no help, telling me that this feature is cuurently not available. it was there 4 days ago. What gives? Thanks, Bobbi Dear Bobbi That must be a Hotmail feature, not a browser feature. I have never seen it on IE6. Check in the Hotmail preferences. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much the dress on that store dummy over there is?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snooty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain Store downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the sheep at night do?"

Deeli's Kudos November 15, 2007 - Islip, New York - AP GPS tracking devices installed on government-issue vehicles are helping communities around the country reduce waste and abuse, in part by catching employees shopping, working out at the gym or otherwise loafing while on the clock. The use of GPS has led to firings, stoking complaints from employees and unions that the devices are intrusive, Big Brother technology. But city officials say that monitoring employees' movements has deterred abuses, saving the taxpayers money in gasoline and lost productivity. ''We can't have public resources being used on private activities. That's Management 101,'' Phil Nolan, supervisor of the Long Island town of Islip. Islip saved nearly 14,000 gallons of gas over a three-month period from the previous year after GPS devices were installed. Nolan said that shows that employees know they are being watched and are no longer using Islip's 614 official vehicles for personal business. In Denver, 76 vehicles equipped with GPS this year were driven 5,000 fewer miles than the unequipped fleet had during the same period the year before. Denver plans to outfit police cars, snowplows and trash trucks with GPS soon. http://www.happynews.com/news/11152007/ ... f-offs.htm

Two contafiters way up nort in Chicargo wuz makin sum contafit money an dey accidently made sum twelve dollar bill by mistake. Dey made a whole bunch of dem before dey foun dere mistake, so insted of startin over dey decide to try to pass dem off. Dey always herd how backward people in Louisiana wuz, especially dem folks name Boudreaux frum down neer Lafayette so dey jumpin dere car an drive down to Lafayette, LA an wen dey got dere dey look in da fone book an shore enuf dey fine Boudreaux's General Store an Mercantile listed rite dere in da yeller pages. Dey went to Boudreaux's store an walk up to da man at da counter. Da firs contafiter say, "Are you Mr. Boudreaux?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore, dat's me. Wat can Ah do fa you fellers?" Da contafiter wisper to his frien, "This is gonna be easier than I thought." Da contafiter say, "Can you give us change for a twelve dollar bill?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore Ah can! How you want dat, tree fores, fore trees, or 2 sixes?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Less Wrinkles: Hang Dresses and Suits Quickly Hang your jacket up when you get home to reduce wrinkles. The heat from your body helps ease the wrinkles out of the garment as it hangs. The same goes for dresses. Also make sure clothing is not packed too tightly in the closet, or they will develop wrinkles in the closet. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for...."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Amusing Animals
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Deleting Windows Update files 


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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Nov 15, 2007
I am not young enough to know everything. --- Oscar Wilde It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. --- James Thurber
On a Continental Flight with sme very "senior" flight attendants crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are a thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Robert Christie, 71, from Vancouver WA Waddling bandit November 12, 2007 - Vancouver, Washington - UPI Court documents showed the suspect in the so-called Waddling Bandit cases involving 20 bank robberies in Washington and Oregon is worth $4 million. Police in Vancouver, Wash., arrested Robert Christie, 71, this week on suspicion of robbing the financial institutions over the last two years, Portland, Ore., television station KPTV reported. A U.S. magistrate said Christie's assets make him a flight risk, ordering that he remain jailed until his hearing next month. Christie's family said it's hard to imagine that he's the bank robber, considering his worth. The FBI had named the thief the "Waddling Bandit" because of the way he walked, the TV station said. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-252729-823461
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Martin Re: Deleting Windows Updates Dear Webby Just thought of a question that would maybe be of help to others for once. Is it necessary to keep all of the Windows updates, or can some be safely deleted after a time? I have a bunch of them and can't see holding on to all of them, taking up disk space if so. Thanks, Martin Dear Martin Are you talking about UPDATES, or are you referring to Update UNINSTALL files? The UNINSTALL files are a waste of space and it is safe to delete them. The purpose of those Windows Update uninstall files is being a safety net, just in case an update is too haywire and can't be patched with a further update, and you need to uninstall it. However, Microsoft software writers are building their job security on their ability to patch the patched patches. The only Update, that was so bad, that it was necessary to uninstall it, is IE7. If you are paranoid, keep the uninstall files a week, and get rid of the old ones. Have FUN! DearWebby

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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Deeli's Kudos November 12, 2007 - Chicago, Illinois - AP Cindy Harris won the women’s division of a race to the top of the nation’s tallest building for the sixth straight year Sunday. The 38-year-old has won the race every year it has been in existence. She was among 2,000 people who ran up the downtown building’s 103 flights of stairs in the annual Go Vertical Chicago. Harris, of Indianapolis, finished the race up the 2,109 steps from the lobby to the Sears Tower Skydeck in a time of 15 minutes, 1 second. Eric Leninger, a 24-year-old from Geneva, won the men’s race in 13 minutes, 42 seconds. The event was expected to raise $350,000 for the New York-based Damon Runyon Cancer Research Foundation. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 81-ap.html

When my 3-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember ...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Your To-Do List Fun When your "To Do" List seems overwhelming, sit down and write FIVE THINGS on a small slip of paper. Mix up small and large tasks with one "reward" thrown in. This is now your "Flash List", do all 5 things before stopping, right in a row, in the order you have written them to WIN! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage." "Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Butchart Gardens
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Dear Webby: What is Maxthon ? 


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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Nov 14, 2007
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. --- Bertrand Russell In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. --- Andre Maurois
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife says, "Six and a half weeks!"
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

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An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Deborah Thompson, 54, in Marysville, CA Too silly to be out without supervision Published Tue, Nov 13, 2007 -- The Associated Press MARYSVILLE, Calif. (AP) A 54-year-old woman was recovering in the hospital after being hit by a Union Pacific freight train south of Marysville. Deborah Thompson told authorities afterward that she drank a bottle of whiskey before she wandered to the railroad tracks and tried to wave the train to a stop. When asked why, she told Yuba County sheriff's deputies she was just being silly. The train hit her and knocked her 20 to 30 yards. Thompson suffered head injuries and a fractured thigh bone but was conscious and talking after the accident.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lindsay Re: Maxthon browser Dear Webby Some friends recommended the Maxthon browser to me, and you briefly mentioned it once too. What's it all about and how safe is it? Lindsay Dear Lindsay Some people call the "made in China" Maxthon browser a cheap "skin" for hysterical fanatics, who don't like Microsoft, others call it a sloppy copy of Internet Explorer 5. Considering that it uses genuine IE5 or IE6 error pages, it is probably closer to the second. It seems to be using the IE6 browser engine and interpretes fancy HTML the same way as IE6, not like FireFox, which still has some problems with CSS styles. Having tabs for loaded pages on top, instead of in the Windows status line, is considered fashionable by some people, but can be quite a nuisance, for example, if you have some spreadsheets open and need to jump to a certain web page for more data. Some parts of Maxthon don't seem to work at all, like for example setting YOUR preferred home page. It lets you go through the motions of setting it up, but when you hit HOME, it goes to THEIR home page anyway. That makes me wonder what else the Chinese copy-cats left out, and how secure it really is. Maxthon is fine for sites, that you know and trust. If you have any doubts at all about how safe a site is, better use IE6 for that potentially unsafe site. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A group of cannibals are hired for programming. Their manager told them, you are doing good work, but please, don't touch your collegues and eat them. We have a canteen, you can eat there. Ok, so the cannibals promised. After 6 Weeks, the manager spoke to them again: Ok we are satisfied with your work and everything, and you are behaving very well. By the way, we are missing a cleaning woman, has somebody touched her? The cannibals denied. After he left, the chief of the cannibals asks "Who is the idiot who ate that cleaning women?" One of the cannibals admitted that he did. Are you out of your mind? For six weeks now have been eating VP's and Senior managers and nobody is taking notice. How can you be so stupid as to eat a working person?

Deeli's Kudos November 12, 2007 - Perth, Scotland - UPI A 96-year-old Scotsman says a serious illness convinced him to ask his longtime girlfriend to become his bride. "I had three life-threatening illnesses, with which she was with me all the time, so I felt I owed her a bit more than just being my bidie-in," Bill Rodger told The Scotsman, using the Lowland Scots expression for a live-in partner. Rodger and Liz Stewart, 78, who have been a couple for 11 years, plan to tie the knot Saturday. The guests include Rodger's six great-grandchildren. Stewart said when Rodger proposed she had to think about it overnight. She has been a widow for 16 years. "Bill didn't get down on one knee or propose or he'd never have got up again," Stewart said. The Rev. Douglas Main of Errol Parish Church, where Stewart is a member of the congregation, is to do the honors at Rodger's bungalow in Cherrybank near Perth. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-252726-495936

Larry goes to see his travel agent. "Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes, but I need to ask for something different." "Go ahead ask me." "You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes, but. . ." "And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant." "Yes." "Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reduce Water In Toilet Tank Place a jug or bottle filled with water and rocks in your toilet tank to reduce the amount of water used with each flush. Don't use bricks because they will dissolve over time. Make sure that all of the workings inside the tank are not hampered. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault . . . it was the asphalt!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Backyard View
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Dear Webby: What is Spamcop ? 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Nov 13, 2007
The average person thinks he isn't. --- Father Larry Lorenzoni
Thanks to Sandie for this report: When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day, a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it. But, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

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"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the cop handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get to buy a bicycle." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 66 year old man in Southworth, WA Wrong tool The Associated Press | Monday, Nov 12 2007 3:13 PM Last Updated: Monday, Nov 12 2007 3:18 PM A man trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut blasted the wheel with a 12-gauge shotgun, injuring himself badly in both legs, sheriff's deputies said. The 66-year-old man had been repairing a Lincoln Continental for two weeks at his home northwest of Southworth, about 10 miles southwest of Seattle, and had gotten all but one of the lug nuts off the right rear wheel by Saturday afternoon, Kitsap County Deputy Scott Wilson said. From about arm's length, the man fired the shotgun at the wheel and was "peppered" in both legs with buckshot and debris, with some injuries as high as his chin, according to a sheriff's office report. "Nobody else was there and he wasn't intoxicated," Wilson said. The man was taken to Tacoma General Hospital with injuries Wilson described as severe but not life-threatening.
Thanks to Martin for this picture by Greg Lawn Lake, Fairchild Mountain, and Hagues Peak, Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Doug Re: What is SpamCop Good Morning Webby Wicked storm blowing today. Very heavy rain. "SpamCop is effective" What is ScamCop? Doug Dear Doug Rain in Powell River? What a surprise! http://Spamcop.net You need to register, mostly to eliminate frivolous complaints against competitors. They analyze spam sent to them, and show you their report. Then you can decide whether to file a complaint with the ISP of the spammer, or to forget about it. If it is a local ISP and the spam is from a virus infected machine of some idiot in your area, then you print it out and go visit the ISP and demand some instant action. Otherwise you just click on REPORT. If you have MailWasher, you can report to SpamCop automatically or by putting a checkmark into the reporting column. You still get the analysis reports to double-check before filing a complaint. Have FUN! DearWebby

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The thunder god went for a ride, upon his favorite filly. "I'm Thor," he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Deeli's Kudos Politics aside, this is a Kudo :-) November 11, 2007 - College Station, Texas - AP He's 83 and just had hip replacement surgery in January, but that isn't keeping former President George H.W. Bush from skydiving. Bush jumped on Saturday strapped to an expert from the Army Golden Knights parachute team, as he did three years ago. His first parachute jump was in 1944 when his plane was shot down over the Pacific island of Chi Chi Jima. http://www.happynews.com/news/11112007/ ... -again.htm

The young lady walked over to the hospital room where she knew her friend was. "May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door. "We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?" "Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the lady. "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman. "I'm his mother!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thanksgiving Preparation One week prior, I buy all the canned goods, clean out the fridge, and start thawing the turkey. The day prior, I make most of the side dishes, desserts, and make one final grocery run. Then all I have to do on Thanksgiving is make the turkey. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beautiful America
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Dear Webby: Nigerian Scam 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Nov 12, 2007
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time. --- E. B. White
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife and her mother." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter. "My mother-in-law"
Thanks to Kenneth for this excerpt from History: 1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies. 2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress) 3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". He had wanted to be friends with the US, but as a tea-totaler, he was no match for Churchill in persuading the US government who to side with. 4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%. 5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane. 6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down. 7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act). 8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York but never did. 9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army. AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST... 11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35, 000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island. Kenneth

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A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 42 year old Gilford, new Hampshire woman Homesick for jail November 8, 2007 - Gilford, New Hampshire- AP A woman wearing a wedding dress and parked beside a pond drove into the water Wednesday after officers tried to take a bag of marijuana from her, police said. When the state fish and game conservation officers and a nearby resident tried to rescue the woman from her sinking sport-utility vehicle, she bit the neighbour on the arm, authorities said. The 42-year-old woman was eventually taken to shore, then to a hospital, police said. It was not immediately known whether she was hurt or what her condition was. The conservation officers were checking on the woman, who was parked alone by Saltmarsh Pond in eastern New Hampshire. She became upset and reached for a bag of marijuana, police said. When one of the officers tried to grab the bag, the woman drove off, speeding around the parking lot and then into the water. She will be charged with reckless conduct, simple assault, driving after suspension and transporting a controlled drug. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... ck_in_pond
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Nigerian Scams Dear Webby I can't believe that people are still falling for these Nigerian Scams. Do you recommend forwarding them to the FTC as well as getting them over to Spam Cop? Eric Dear Eric They still fall for AOL too. And Hillary. FTC is a total waste of time. They pick one or two celebrity cases a year, and with all the other complaints they just make pretty graphs. SpamCop is effective, in that they complain to the ISP of the sender. Some ISPs stomp on them. Have FUN! DearWebby

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On their cross-country road trip, a couple stopped for lunch at a roadside cafe in the southwest. They sat down at the counter and ordered coffee. While they were looking at the menu, a cowboy approached the counter, swung his long leg over the stool beside them and farted loudly. The tourist jump up and cried, "Sir, how dare you fart like that so rudely - before my wife!" The cowboy immediately jumped off the stool, bowed and tipped his stetson toward the woman. "Shucks, ma'am, I'm awfully sorry," he said. "But how was I supposed to know we was taking turns"

Deeli's Kudos November 9, 2007 - Vancouver, British Columbia - Canadian Press The B.C. Supreme Court has come down on the side of skinny dippers in Vancouver. Justice Paul Williamson has quashed a Surrey council decision to stop renting a wave pool to the Surrey Skinnydippers club for its private events. The matter dates back to 2003, when council cancelled a year-old rental contract with the club citing various concerns, all of which the judge termed "patently unreasonable." The court ruling found council had overstepped its authority when it tried to strengthen Criminal Code provisions against public nudity by treating a private swimming party as a public event. http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articl ... 09-ON.html

Two priests and a rabbi are playing poker in the park. Suddenly, a police officer approaches the trio and asks the first priest, "Father, were you gambling?" The padre glances skyward and mumbles, "Forgive me, Jesus," then turns to the officer and says, "No, my son, I was not gambling." The lawman then turns to the second priest and asks him if he was gambling. The priest looks toward Heaven and says under his breath, "Forgive me, Jesus," then tells the officer, "No, my son, I was not gambling." The policeman then turns to the rabbi and says, "Rabbi, were you gambling?" The rabbi looks from one priest to the other, then turns to the officer and asks, "With who?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money With a Name Drawing Instead of spending hundreds of dollars, our family drew the number of names to match how many we have in our family. We are limiting the expenditure to $25 per person. This will make the holidays much less stressful, more personal and a lot more economical. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has gone!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Global Incident Map
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Memorial Day / Veterans Day 


   Zoom the font size for best readability!

Good Morning, ! Sunday, Nov 11, 2007 Remembrance Day / Veterans Day A pittance of time
But the freedom that they fought for, and the country grand they wrought for, Is their monument to-day, and for aye. --- Thomas Dunn English It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you. --- Dick Cheney This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. --- Elmer Davis

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and screamed: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Army Medical Care An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "F ive minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

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The Installation Commander and his wife were out having dinner at the officers club a good-looking blonde came over and open-mouth kissed the husband right in front of the wife and said "I'll see you tomorrow for a nooner right sweetie?" And walked away. The wife couldn't believe her eyes, "Who was that?" She demanded. He replied: "My mistress" The wife then told her husband she wanted a divorce. "That's fine," Said the base commander. "But that means no more shopping at the commissary and base exchange, no more assignments in Europe, and you'll no longer be president of the Officer's Wives Club, and won't be able to lord it over the other wives." At that moment in walked a colonel with a woman on his arm. When the wife asked who the woman with the colonel was the base commander said, "That's Peter's mistress" The wife looked back at colonel and his mistress and grinned, "Ours is prettier." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a flasher in Duisburg, Germany Homesick for jail November 10, 2007 - Berlin, Germany - Reuters A German flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court, authorities said Thursday. "The court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again," said a spokesman for the court in the western city of Duisburg. "It appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art." The 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of "body builder poses," the spokesman said. State prosecutors filed fresh charges of indecent behavior against the man after the court incident. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0711 ... ny_nude_dc

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lori Re: Hi again Webby, thanks for answering my question about Maxthon browser. Now I have another question for you. My daughter has a windows 98, and it has been infected with clickspring and OuterInfo. I cannot get rid of it this time. I have run all the cleaners, adaware,spybot, and other spyware removers, done virus scans. I cannot reformat, as she does not have her disc. I found a program on Computer Geeks that is supposed to remove it, but her anti-virus program pops up saying file infected with clickspring, and it won't let me open it to run the clean-up. Do you have any suggestions on how to remove this pesky annoyance? Thanks so much, love your letter--first thing I read each day. Coffee and Webby--great start to my day! Thank you. Lori Dear Lori The best information that I could find about that spyware is at http://www.spywareremove.com/removeClickSpring.html Have FUN! DearWebby

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Dear Ma and Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.( but am getting so I like to sleep late. All you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. The guys have to shave, but they say it is not bad in warm water, and after I thumped a few of them, they don't tell nobody about why I don't need to shave. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food, but you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is a casual stroll about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Kernels. and Generals just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why, the bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer and Mary to hurry and join before others get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Pat

Deeli's Kudos November 9, 2007 - New York - Reuters A tale of online love inspired usually cynical New Yorkers this week to help a young man find the girl of his dreams after he spotted her on a crowded subway train. For Web designer Patrick Moberg, 21, from Brooklyn, it was love at first sight when he locked eyes with a rosy-cheeked woman while riding in Manhattan on Sunday night. She was writing in her journal. The train was so full that he lost her in the crowd when they both got off, so he set up a Web site dedicated to finding the mystery woman -- www.nygirlofmydreams.com. He drew a picture of the girl, who was wearing blue shorts, blue tights, and a red flower in her hair, and posted his cell phone number, e-mail address and an appeal for help finding her. It worked. Within hours Moberg's inbox was overflowing with e-mails and his phone ringing non-stop. He told the New York Post that he even received e-mails offering him love. "Some people said I'm not the girl but you're so adorable, pick me instead." Tuesday night a friend of the woman contacted him and sent him a picture so he could confirm her identity. "Found Her! Seriously!" a notice on his Web site said. "We've been put in touch with one another and we'll see what happens." http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0711 ... _subway_dc

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Chip Bags Rather than buy the more expensive little bags, just buy a large bag and transfer them to smaller bags yourself. This works well for school and work lunches and dieting. Large bags of chips tend to be much cheaper than the smaller pre-packaged alternative. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Great Comeback This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is a recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who's about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military installation. (Note: While this has been presented as a "true story" for several years, some people dispute that it actually happened). FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Memorial Day
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Dear Webby: Files saved as BMP instead of GIF or JPG 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Nov 10, 2007


No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. --- Michael Pritchard Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. --- Elmer G. Letterman
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."
A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him. The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis." Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter. The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as a reaction from the computer's screen: "Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to four Oregon dope packers Lightened their loads Rescuers discover $25,000 in pot BRIDAL VEIL, Ore. (UPI) -- Rescuers searching for two missing hikers near Bridal Veil, Ore., have discovered $25,000 worth of marijuana in bags. Multnomah County sheriff's deputies said they were searching for two hikers who had phoned for help after falling in a creek when a group of teenage volunteers came across three men and a woman toting duffel bags, KPTV-TV, Portland, Ore., reported Monday. Deputies said the four dropped the bags and fled the scene when they were noticed by the search party and the teenagers discovered $25,000 worth of marijuana in the bags. Officials said deputies were unable to find the four suspects, but the hikers were located Sunday and appeared to be in good condition. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-253894-899682 United Press International
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture by his son Greg
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Pictures saved in wrong format Hey Webby-- Quick question--- When ever I right click and save as--- to a gif- it comes up as save as a bitmap-- Whats up with that??? Im using hot mail. Fred Dear Fred That is a sign that you don't have enough free and unused memory available for Windows to do it properly, so, in order not to completely lose the file, it saves it as a BMP. Running CrapClener or rebooting usually restores enough free memory so that it will again save pictures properly. Have FUN! DearWebby

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1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 4. How many outs are there in an inning? 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister. 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark? 11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh? 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 13. What was the President's name in 1960?

Deeli's Kudos Weimar, Germany - AP Thousands of restored books returned Monday to the shelves of a newly renovated historic library in eastern Germany that was gutted by a fire more than three years ago. The Duchess Anna Amalia Library in Weimar reopens Oct. 24 with a ceremony led by German President Horst Koehler, after several years of painstaking restoration and upgrading of the library's $18.2 million security systems. A fire on Sept. 2, 2004, tore through the roof and top floor of the 16th-century rococo palace, which houses the library in the city where the nation's most revered writer, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, spent much of his life. Of the roughly 50,000 books destroyed in the blaze, some 16,000 have been restored, while replacements have been found for another 12,500, Knoche said. Restoration for the books alone cost an estimated $95.4 million, he said. http://www.happynews.com/news/1012007/b ... ibrary.htm

So how do you think you did in that quiz? Here are the answers.... 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? No. If she is a widow, he is dead. 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60. 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? Two (2). You take two apples...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half and hour. How long will the pills last? One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed. 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die. 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses had an ark? None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark. 11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh? Meat...that is self-explanatory. 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen! 13. What was the President's name in 1960? George W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Walls Use a long handled sponge mop to clean your walls. It makes it easier to reach the high parts of your walls and it also can be used on ceilings. Be careful using a sponge mop on thick, popcorn textured ceilings or rough wall surfaces. It will quickly tear up the sponge. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word and then continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: New River
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Dear Webby: Defragler 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Nov 9, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!


When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. --- Japanese Proverb
Thanks to Vickey for this story: According to my mother, she and my dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine my mom right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room?" she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to my dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem."
Thanks to Scorpio9 for this story: A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat. Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?" The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try." Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!" The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?" The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?" Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on that cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

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Thanks to Ralph for this story: My wife works in a business where each employee has a shared folder based on their position in the company. The receptionist has 'reception' and so on. This business went through a placement service for an extra help employee, who ended up working the front desk. One day i got a call asking to help out since all the files were gone, Months and months worth. Of course the temp put all her files where they belonged, C:\TEMP. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to District Court Judge Denis McLoughlin in County Donegal, North-West Ireland Non metric fine October 31, 2007 - Dublin, Ireland - AP When police caught driver David Clarke flying down a road at 180 kilometers per hour this month, he looked likely to lose his license. But a country judge reduced the charge and let the 31-year- old information technology worker stay on the road after concluding the speed did not look as bad when converted into miles, or 112 mph. "I am not excusing his driving. He should not have been traveling at that speed," District Court Judge Denis McLoughlin said in his verdict, delivered Tuesday in County Donegal, northwest Ireland. McLoughlin was quoted as saying the speed seemed "very excessive," but did not look "as bad" when converted into miles. He lowered the charge from to driving carelessly, and fined him euro1,000 ($1,450); if convicted of the tougher charge of driving dangerously, Clarke would have lost his license. The episode underscored Ireland's slow mental conversion to metric. Ireland switched its speed limits from miles to kilometers in January 2005, but most cars still display speeds principally in miles. Clarke, a Dubliner, had been traveling to a Donegal wedding October 13 when he was clocked by a police checkpoint going 180 kph (112 mph) in a 100 kph (62 mph) zone. Law enforcement on Ireland's roads is notoriously lax, and judges frequently acquit offending drivers because of loopholes and vagaries in the law. One in six Irish drivers has never passed an on-the-road test, according to Transport Department statistics. http://www.wral.com/news/strange/story/1989712/ And one in twentysix Irish drivers reports to have driven while sober on one or more occasion.
Thanks to Joan for another deer picture Trampolin surprise!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kay Re: Defragler Dear Webby, this is something new from Crap Cleaner, what is your opinion? Love your newsletter and especially the tech support. Kay Dear Kay It might be OK, but I have a hunch it will take a few years to get up to the level of DisKeeper. I guess it all depends whether your data and drives are worth $30 or whether the lure of an untested free bargain is irresistible for you. By the time they are at Version 2 or 3, and have proven themselves, I might well be recommending them too. But for now, I am recommending DisKeeper. Diskeeper Have FUN! DearWebby

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Kate goes over to visit one of her friends. While she is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day. When she hears this, Kate rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small shopping bag. So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?" "I went home to get my pajamas!"

Deeli's Kudos November 2, 2007 - Daytona Beach, Florida - UPI A teller in Florida ended her day by helping capture a man who allegedly first tried to open an account and then rob the bank where she works, police said. Daytona Beach police said the Sun Trust bank branch teller was leaving work Monday afternoon when she spotted the would-be customer / robber, the Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday. The man was arrested and booked for attempted armed robbery under the name John Doe. Earlier, the man had tried to open a bank account only to leave after being told he lacked proper identification, authorities said. He returned to the bank and handed a note with a phone number on it to a teller. Not understanding the man was trying to rob the bank and unable to read what the note said, the teller asked the potential thief if he wanted her to call someone for him. He told her he wanted money. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-251057-346530

From today, seven years ago: The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity. In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cloudy or Crystallized Honey You can restore cloudy or crystallized honey to its original state by placing it in a pan of hot tap water. Let it sit for 5 to 10 minutes and it will be good as new. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." ------------- One look at VISTA would convince anybody that she has a point!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Round Barns
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Dear Webby: AdAware conflict ? 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Nov 8, 2007

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. --Abraham Lincoln Life is 10% what you make it, and 90% how you take it. --- Irving Berlin
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice, deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends, waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. Here's the call: Alice: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill." Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Alice: "This is my mother...."
Paul and Judy took Jared for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When Paul left to buy popcorn, Jared piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. "No, not that." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No, Mom. Down underneath." Judy blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon Paul returned, and Judy went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left Jared repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son." "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end." "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." "No. Down there." Paul took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis." "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" Paul took a deep breath and replied, "Son, that sounds like I must have spoiled your mother."

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A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you got one of the newer models, that are much wider than deep." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Glass, 45, of Buffalo, NY Crime pays, for the tipster November 6, 2007 - Buffalo, New York - AP What man taketh away, modern technology helps giveth back. The Subway sandwich shop at the True Bethel Baptist Church in Buffalo was robbed at gunpoint on Friday night, but the crime was recorded on the store's surveillance video. During Sunday church services, Rev. Darius Pridgen gave a sermon about the harm people do to one another. Pridgen included footage from the robbery and it was showed on two large video screens. His sermon also offered a $3,000 reward for the arrest of the suspect. Within minutes after the service ended, four anonymous tips identifying the robber were received. A few hours later, police arrested David Glass, 45, and charged him with robbery and petit larceny. Pridgen said he offered the reward because he wants to show his community that crime pays, but not for the criminal. http://www.happynews.com/news/1162007/s ... arrest.htm
Thanks to Joan for this picture One of the daily visitors to Joan's water trough
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Crap Cleaner and Ad Aware Webby, I run Ad-aware once a week. If I install Crap Cleaner will I have a problem? Seem like some programs are not compatible with it. Thanks- you are always helpful!!! Carolyn Dear Carolyn Should be no problem at all. They go after totally different things and Crap Cleaner exits cleanly after doing it's work. Have FUN! DearWebby

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The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America" The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future."

Deeli's Kudos Ozzy Osbourne has made a career out of thumbing his nose (and sometimes other appendages) at the law. The heavy-metal rocker has urinated on the Alamo, attempted to strangle his wife, and bitten the heads off a live bat and dove. At a Fargo, N.D., concert earlier this week, the law bit back. Cass County (N.D.) Sheriff Paul D. Laney used Ozbourne's name in a sting operation to catch local fugitives. Laney planned an Osbourne pre-show concert party, offering the same perks in the rocker's "official" VIP tour packages, and mailed invites to 40 unsuspecting citizens under the alias "PDL Productions." When the Ozzy fans showed up at the bash, Laney promptly handcuffed and arrested them on various outstanding warrants. He then held a televised press conference to congratulate himself on the successful sting operation. "Why did we do this? The criminals are creative, so we had to get creative too,'' Said Laney. "They give us fake addresses, fake phone numbers, sometimes their families cover for them, sometimes their employees cover for them." Laney and his deputies set up the phony pre-party with money seized from drug dealers. "We used drug money to lure criminals to justice. How poetic is that?" he quipped. http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3 ... amp;page=1

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother, he's 22, and he's half nuts."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1T1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Mashed Potatoes Ahead I make mashed potatoes a day or two before Thanksgiving. I just make them as usual, put them in a casserole dish and refrigerate. Then on Thanksgiving, I pull them out and let set to room temperature and microwave to warm them up at the last minute. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked about?" "Robberies in the parking lot."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Bling-H2O
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Dear Webby: Bad mail in Outlook Express INbox 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Nov 7, 2007

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. --- Kurt Herbert Alder A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?' "Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
On a recent evening a family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, they noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments. Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

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God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk husband and wife in Ypsilanti, Michigan Bunch of drunks October 30, 2007 - Ypsilanti, Michigan - AP A married couple were arrested within hours, each on suspicion of drunken driving. First the husband, then his wife were arrested. Police in a Michigan town said they stopped the man and gave him a preliminary breath test after watching him run a red light. Police said the test registered above the legal .08 drunken driving limit. He had his 12-year-old son in the car with him, and police told the boy to call his mother to pick him up. After she arrived, with her 9-year-old daughter in the car, police said, the woman was tested and also found to be legally drunk. Both children were turned over to a relative until the parents were determined to be sober. http://www.wftv.com/news/14457395/detail.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: June Re: Bad mail in the IN box Hi Webby, A month ago I got a new Monitor.I don't know if that is the prob. but ever since then when I get my mail ,my good mail goes into the delete box and the spam etc goes into my inbox.. HELP.Just thought you would know what the problem is.. Take care June Dear June That is just a routine Outlook Depressed problem. The monitor and your glasses have absolutely nothing to do with it. You will have to ask the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

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**BEEP** You have reached the Breast Cancer Self-Examination Hotline. Press one to continue. (pause) Now, press the other one. **BEEP**

Deeli's Kudos November 6, 2007 - Murfreesboro, Arkansas - AP Chad Johnson has found about 80 diamonds at Crater of Diamonds State Park, but on Monday he nearly threw away his largest find yet. A cube-shaped rock plucked out of his sifters turned out to be a 4.38-carat, tea-colored diamond. Johnson, 36, made the dig Saturday at the park and left his equipment in a locker. When he came back Monday morning, he made the discovery. Crater of Diamonds State Park, which opened in 1972, is the world's only diamond-producing site open to the public, and visitors can keep the gems they unearth. The largest diamond found at the park was the 16.37-carat Amarillo Starlight, a white diamond found in 1975. Johnson's find is the second-largest diamond uncovered at the park this year. In June, a Louisiana man found a 4.8-carat stone. More than 700 diamonds have been found there this year. http://www.happynews.com/news/1162007/m ... iamond.htm

A woman comes home one day and says to her dead-beat husband, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no over-time, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," her husband says. "Yeah, I thought so, too," she agrees. "You start Monday."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop at Antique Malls or Flea Markets When you are shopping for Christmas, don't overlook antique malls and flea markets. You can find some unique and unusual gifts that you can't find elsewhere (or make yourself) for a variety of prices, even as cheap as a few dollars! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Four mothers were having coffee together discussing (bragging) how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, the women say, 'Oh my God'"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Doug for today's Bonus Link: Find your animal totem
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Dear Webby: Windows slowing down 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Nov 6, 2007

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. --- Fred Allen Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. --- Bernard Berenson
After the holidays ended, the teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following: We always used to spend holidays with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building called a Wrecked Hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars. My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the Wrecked Hall and they call it, "Pot Luck". My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them.
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

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Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . . "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . . "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Karen Raborn of Altamonte Springs, Florida Stealing from the poor box November 2, 2007 - Altamonte Springs, Florida - AP Altamonte Springs police said a woman accused of stealing from her church took most of the money from the Sunday offering plate. Investigators said Karen Raborn worked as a bookkeeper at St. Mary Magdalen Catholic Church in Altamonte Springs for eleven years. According to a newly updated police report, Raborn first drew suspicion while working at the church's annual fall festival in 2006. She was in charge of counting the money and more than $19,000 disappeared. "We hope for resolution and justice and we know if justice is not delivered here, it will be later," said Robin Johnson, a parishioner. The police report said Raborn admitted to stealing some of the money. She faces up to 30 years in prison if she's convicted. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/14492509/detail.html
Thanks to Cookie for this picture Ice Curls
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Denise Re: Computer slowing down Dear Webby My computer slows down whenever I have 3-4 Windows open. I used to be able to have a dozen of then open without a problem. If i don't reboot it when it slows down, it stalls and hangs and I have to shut it off the hard way. I don't think it is infected, since I use Spybot and McAfee. What's the prescribed fix? Denise Dear Denise There seems to be a lot of that going around. Luckily there is an easy remedy. Get CrapCleaner from my tool box at http://webby.com/tools and run it. It is free, and it will make a huge difference. It has helped everybody to whom I recommended it. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited. His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up." Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

Deeli's Kudos November 5, 2007 - Odebolt, Iowa - AP Jake Wulf wants to keep the lid on it. The 9-year-old boy flushed out a plan for a foot-activated toilet seat lifter that is called the ''Privy Prop,'' designed to lower and raise the toilet seat. While her son, who is in the school's Talented and Gifted program, manages assignments with ease, he has one weak spot: remembering to lower the seat after he's done, Beth Wulf said. ''My mom was getting mad at me for forgetting to put the toilet seat down and she was falling in,'' said Jake, a fourth-grader at Odebolt-Arthur Elementary School. It was during a visit to a doctor's office that Jake's idea for the ''Privy Prop'' began to take shape. He noticed the lid to a small trash can, which opened and closed with a foot-powered lever. He went home and told his parents that he wanted to design a similar device for the toilet. He made it for the school's Invention Convention with the help of his dad, Jason, who designs equipment for a living. It was selected by judges at the Invention Convention to advance to the regional contest in Pochahontas, where it was chosen to be displayed at the Iowa State Fair this past summer. http://www.happynews.com/news/1152007/b ... ps-lid.htm

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent." The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent." Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cold Weather Bed Tip During cold weather, I put the fitted sheet on as usual then I put a blanket on and tuck it in. Another blanket goes on top of that one and then I proceed with the flat sheet and as many other blankets and quilts as we need. No need for an electric blanket! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Doug for today's Bonus Link: Find your animal totem
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Dear Webby: DSL connection slowing down and dropping 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Nov 5, 2007

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. --- Elbert Hubbard
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Wife: "Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish." Doctor: "Don't worry i can cure him." Wife: "I don't want him cured i want you to adjust him to get the movie channel."

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? Childrens' Views No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it always before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a dumpster. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Brano Banjeglav, 38, of Cetinje, Montenegro Buried Phone October 25, 2007 - Montenegrin, Serbia - Ananova The family of a Montenegrin man whose dying wish was to be buried with his mobile phone are to dig him up again after discovering they had forgotten the SIM card. Arso Banjeglav, 67, spent hours every day chatting to pals on his beloved mobile, and told his son Brano that when he died he wanted it put in his coffin. But, after the funeral in the central Montenegrin town of Cetinje, they discovered his grandson, who was playing with the device, had taken out the SIM card. Brano Banjeglav, 38, said: "We put the phone in the coffin as he wanted, but my 10-year-old son had been playing with it and had taken the card out without my knowledge. "So now we have got to dig him up again to put it in the phone." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2568672.html?menu=
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barb Re: DSL speed dropping Dear Webby At home my connection speed keeps dropping to the point where I actually lose the connection. We use the same DSL provider as I have at work, but there the connection never drops. At home, it's OK when I am browsing, but if I am answering mail, especially if I get interrupted, it falls off. Is there a setting I should check and change? Thanks Barb Dear Barb Big Brother, the ISP, watches your activity, and if you are not really using your connection while you leisurely compose a lengthy email, they reduce your pipe and eventually cut it. They will gradually, and grudgingly, give it back to you when you are ready to send that email. You can use an FTP program that has a "Keep-Alive" feature to keep the connection open, and download three different pieces of music simultaneously when you need the connection again. You can watch how the 14 KB Keep-Alive speed cranks up to over 2 MB within a few seconds. You will then be able to use high speed until Big Brother detects that you have abandoned your computer and snuck off to the kitchen. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Deeli's Kudos November 2, 2007 - Atherton, Australia - Ananova A rescued doberman repaid his new owners by saving their toddler daughter from a deadly snake. The dog, called Khan, picked up 17-month-old Charlotte Svillicic in his teeth and threw her over his shoulder. Khan took the bite from the king brown, the world's third most venomous snake, instead. The dog, rescued from an animal shelter four days earlier, leapt into action as the snake edged closer to Charlotte in her garden in Atherton near Cairns, Australia. Charlotte's mum Catherine said: "He saved her life by risking his own. If I had not seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed it. "He grabbed her by the back of the nappy and threw her over his shoulder more than a metre, like she was a rag doll." Khan received a shot of antivenom from a vet and the family nursed him through the night. He has since made a full recovery. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2579069.html?menu=

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Treat Credit Like Cash Make a commitment to pay as you go with credit cards this year. Don't wait until the last minute to buy gifts and plan your holiday budget carefully. You will feel much better during the holiday season if you aren't accumulating debt. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Recipes for Calorie counters
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Dear Webby: Yahoo mail problems 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Nov 4, 2007

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. --- Nicholas Butler A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --- G. Gordon Liddy
An old farmer named Paul had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; big grill next to picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As Paul came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed and made the women aware of his presence. They all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" To which Paul replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim. I only came to feed the alligator."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

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Thanks to Shayne for this story: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "Was he successful?" "Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Belmont, California City Council Extreme fanaticism October 10, 2007 - Belmont, California -AP Officials in Belmont have given final approval to a new smoking ban that is considered to be one of the toughest in the nation and includes bans on smoking in some homes. After a late push to ease some of the restrictions, the Belmont City Council voted Tuesday night to pass the anti-smoking ordinance. Prohibitions on smoking in parks and other public places will take effect in 30 days. The ordinance's most hotly contested elements -- which ban smoking inside apartments and condominiums -- won't be enforced for another 14 months. Officials said the ordinance was written so that smokers will only face enforcement if their neighbors complain. People will still be able to smoke on Belmont's streets and sidewalks as long as they are not loitering near the entrance to homes or businesses, and in parking lots and designated smoking areas. http://www.wsbtv.com/health/14308512/detail.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture "Q-Tip Bush" or "Muhley Grass"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diane Re: Yahoo problem hey there webby, i love your paper and also having problem with receving it everyday. u r in my address book. i run with roadrunner, with warner cable. every thing was great until about 4-5 months ago then i didn't get nothing from u until 1 month ago, and still am not recieving it every day, maybe 2 times a week. my sisiter who also loves u isn't getting it at all, she signed me up. what is going on. she runs comp. serve, seems like a alot of different servers are messing up ur page. Diane Dear Diane With Yahoo, AOL and Compuserve, you got to expect that kind of unreliable mail delivery. When you wee widdle girlies gwow up and get decent email service, that problem will be history, just like messy diapers. If you want a referral to gmail, let me know and I'll generate one immediately. Gmail is free, and you can still dial up with Yahoo, AOL or Compuserve. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Thanks to great granny Vi for this Quiz: AND NOW .. HOW ABOUT A LITTLE QUIZ? A little history lesson: If you don't know the answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers. Who said it? 1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. None of the above 2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity." A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin D. None of the Above 3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people." A. Nikita Khrushev B. Jose f Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. None of the above 4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common ground." A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. None of the above 5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed." A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. None of the above 6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched." A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. None of the above Answers: (1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004 (2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007 (3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005 Be afraid. Be very, very afraid! Great Granny Vi

Deeli's Kudos October 19, 2007 - San Diego, California - Gimundo This "march of the penguins" isn't quite like the one you might have seen in a movie theatre – but for a group of kids at San Diego's Rady Children's Hospital, it was an even better show. These children, who are patients in the hospital's oncology ward, were too sick to attend the hospital's trip to SeaWorld this coming weekend. So, rather than let them miss out, SeaWorld came to them. Well, we're pretty sure Shamu didn't show – but two emperor penguins did. The two Arctic birds had a blast waddling around the building and leading the children on a royal march down the halls of the hospital, followed by a penguin-petting session. So what if they missed out on the dolphin show? Thanks to the two friendly penguins, it sounds like these kids got an animal adventure that they'll never forget. http://snipurl.com/1t46f

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I feel great! Doctor: So, you followed the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed. I never opened it but read those instructions every day!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Candy Candy is really cheap in the days following Halloween. Pick up some chocolate for your baking projects or for stocking stuffers. Just store the candy in the freezer until you need it. Frozen candies are also a special treat for your kids. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Atlas of plucked instruments
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Dear Webby: Marked bad by AOL 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Nov 3, 2007

What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude toward it. Every opportunity has a difficulty, and every difficulty has an opportunity. --- J. Sidlow Baxter
Thanks to Jai for this story: Your joke about Bob Fugghauer reminded me of one from years past. A school teacher was interviewing her new students. She asked one boy what his name was. He answered "Snotty Nose Jones". She again asked him and demanded he tell her his real name, he again replied "Snotty Nose Jones". At that point the teacher exploded and said that could not be his real name, and he better tell her the truth. At that, he turned to his brother and said "come on Dookey Pants, let's go home. She's not going to believe you either." Jai...>^.^<...
Thanks to Sandie for this story: The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 a.m.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give you a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

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Thanks to Vickey for this story: An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton. As he paid his bill, he said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up. Indeed, the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton 6 months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How," said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the chief. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Swedish Mis-Informer Emailed himself to jail November 2, 2007 - Stockholm, Sweden - AFP A man in Sweden who was angry with his daughter's husband has been charged with libel for telling the FBI that the son-in-law had links to al-Qaeda, Swedish media reported on Friday. The 40-year-old son-in-law and his wife were in the process of divorcing when the husband had to travel to the United States for business. The wife didn't want him to travel since she was sick and wanted him to help care for their children, regional daily Sydsvenska Dagbladet said without disclosing the couple's names. When the husband refused to stay home, his father-in-law wrote an email to the FBI saying the son-in-law had links to al-Qaeda in Sweden and that he was travelling to the US to meet his contacts. He provided information on the flight number and date of arrival in the US. The son-in-law was arrested upon landing in Florida. He was placed in handcuffs, interrogated and placed in a cell for 11 hours before being put on a flight back to Europe, the paper said. The FBI contacted Swedish intelligence agency Saepo, which discovered that the email tipping off the FBI had been sent from the father-in-law's computer. The father-in-law has been charged with aggravated libel. He has admitted to sending the email, but said he didn't think "the authorities were so stupid that they would believe anything. But apparently they are." http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/071102/o ... sm_offbeat
Thanks to Sandie for this picture "Beauty Berry"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leonarde Re: Marked Bad Dear Webby, I have to say each day you are not spam and they tranfer it over. I don't know how to get you off the spam list. Leonard Dear Leonard You are doing better than most AOLers, however, I can't help you there. Once the Humor Letter has entered the AOL server, there is nothing more that I can do about it. You will have to contact AOL support about that. Have FUN! DearWebby

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

Deeli's Kudos November 1, 2007 - Stonybrook, New York - AP Money doesn't grow on trees, but it apparently does flutter like leaves in the wind. Three bystanders helped pick up $15,000 in dollar bills that flitted across a Long Island road after falling out of an armored car on Halloween, according to two volunteer police officers who helped at the scene. ''I've never seen that much money in one place,'' said one of the auxiliary officers, George Fuhr, 76. ''It was wild.'' A sack of cash apparently tumbled onto Nicolls Road Wednesday because the armored car's door wasn't completely closed. The bills burst from the bag after cars ran it over. Fuhr and his partner, Ralph Cabattente, 73, stopped when they came across the commotion and directed traffic while waiting for Suffolk County police. Fuhr said the bystanders were able to recover all but $128 of money and return it to its rightful owners. http://www.happynews.com/news/1112007/b ... ly-air.htm

In Pennsylvania Station in New york the gateman was having difficulty with a pair of soldiers. Hearing the commotion,a young lieutenant hastened to the scene. "What's the matter here?" he asked. "These two soldiers," complained the railroad employee, "insist on going through the gate without tickets." "I'll handle this, said officer. Turning to the soldiers, he commanded, "Forward march!" he led them through the gate and onto the train. "All right," he advised the G.I's, "at ease!" "Say, Lieutenant, thanks a lot," said one of the soldiers. He shrugged, "Don't mention it. I don't have a ticket either.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Email Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Belgium
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If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version





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Dear Webby: Multiple Anti-Spyware programs 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Nov 2, 2007

Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!


Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. --- Frank Dane The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. --- Abbie Hoffman
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening!"
We have a new kid in the office named Brian. Nice guy. Fresh out of college. So I was asking him about school the other day and he told me he belonged to a fraternity called Delta Upsilon. "Did you pledge in college?" he asked. I said, "Yeah, I belonged to 'I Tappa Kegga.'"

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A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?" "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician. "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!" "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred." "Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous." "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?" "Who has that kind of money?" "Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out." "I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it." "I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?" "Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to three professional burglars in Toronto, Canada Sooner or later.... October 29, 2007 - Toronto, Canada - Reuters Two men and a woman who used an ordinary cardboard box to break into over 200 Toronto area fast-food joints were caught by lucky timing, police said on Friday. The trio arrived at their target with an oversized cardboard box, which they propped up against the restaurant's front door. One person hid in the box and used specialized tools to break into the restaurant, while the others stood guard with a police scanner and two-way radios. "They were able to, by experience, literally remove the glass from the pane of the door and then set the glass aside," said Detective Sergeant Reuben Strober of Toronto Police, adding that the burglars managed to disable most alarm systems at the same time. Even if the alarms were triggered, the suspects got away before police arrived. Over the course of their crime spree, they made off with some CDN $250,000 (US $260,000), police said. Strobel said the three were finally caught after police responded to an unrelated call in the neighborhood. They face 355 charges. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0710 ... ime_odd_dc
Thanks to Sandie for this picture
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: NoFries Re: Multiple Anti-Spyware programs Dear Webby, I seem to recall you were the one that wrote about the silicone flexible keyboards that you pack in your laptop bag. Anyway, I thought you and your readers might be interested to know that ALDI, a German budget grocery store, has then on sale this week for $14.99 each. Here is the link ALDI - Special Purchases from October 28, 2007 not sure if they have Aldi in Canada but they are common in the US and the link has a store locator. http://snipurl.com/1t1cw I love your Daily Humor letter and have learned so much from your "Tech Support Pits", Q & A! My ? I recently upgraded from Win 98 to a laptop with Win XP Prof. I have ZoneAlarm, AVG and Ad-Aware, all free versions. I run Ad-Aware every couple days. According to Kim Komando, "... Use multiple anti-spyware programs; no one has a complete handle on spyware. Anti-spyware programs do not conflict." If so how many more and which freebie/s would best compliment Ad-Aware? Also, do I need to run Disk Cleanup, Defragment and Scan Disc? If so how often? Thanks for your Daily Humor Letter. I look forward to the laughs and great tips! Nofries Dear Nofries Kim Komando probably mean well, especially for his sponsors. However, the better anti-spyware programs should not be run simultaneously. For example, when Spybot-Search&Destroy is in resident mode and doing a live check on anything that comes in, it can cope OK with McAfee doing a live virus check at the same time, but not with a kitchen sink full of experimental freebies. If you want to try other anti-spyware programs to see if they list a certain new spyware 7 minutes earlier than Spybot- Search&Destroy, which they rarely do unless they themselves released that spyware, then turn Spybot off and run that other program alone. Also keep in mind that many of those programs show a lot of frivolous and non-existant fillers, so that you would believe they are doing a good job. Disk Cleanup has become obsolete with CrapCleaner. To defragment my drives, I use DisKeeper. It does it's work whenever the screensaver comes on. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A young mother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

Deeli's Kudos Westboro Perverts found guilty! BALTIMORE (Reuters) - A jury on Wednesday ordered a Kansas church to pay $10.9 million in damages to relatives of a U.S. Marine who died in Iraq, after church members cheered his death at his funeral. Church members said Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder's death was God's punishment of America for tolerating homosexuality, and they attended his 2006 funeral in Maryland with signs saying "You're going to hell" and "God hates you." The federal jury determined the Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, and three of its principals invaded the privacy of the dead man's family and inflicted emotional distress. Albert Snyder, the Marine's father, testified that his son was not gay, but the church targeted the military as a symbol of America's tolerance of gays. Matthew Snyder died in combat in Iraq in March 2006. The jury awarded Snyder's family $2.9 million in compensatory damages plus $8 million in punitive damages in the first civil suit against the church, which has demonstrated at some 300 military funerals the past two years. The lawsuit said church Web sites vilified U.S. soldiers, accusing them of being indoctrinated by "fag propaganda." "I hope it's enough to deter them from doing this to other families. It was not about the money. It was about getting them to stop," said Snyder, of York, Pennsylvania. The church, which is unaffiliated with any major denomination, is headed by Rev. Fred Phelps, who has led a campaign against homosexuality for years. Most of the estimated 70 members of the church belong to his extended family.

After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building. When the Texan put down New York's well-known landmark by saying "Heck, that's nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!" The New Yorker responded, "You need them!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Email I treat email just like paper and don't let email pile up in my in box. I make sure I file all email into one of the folders I have created. I also create filters that automatically files email from certain people in the appropriate folder. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Keli: Anni, what exactly is an "oxymoron"? Anni: It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like "deafening silence." Keli: Oh, I get it. Like "Mr. Perfect"!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Archimedes' Screw
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Dear Webby: is Avast good enough? 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Nov 1, 2007

Wear something red tomorrow to show your support for the troops!


Genius without education is like silver in the mine. --- Benjamin Franklin: A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol. --- Thomas Blackburn We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are." --- Anais Nin
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. "I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I don't know any of them." "I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know them all."

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It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fugghauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!" The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fugghauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall, but accidentally went to the fifth grade classroom, and knocked on classroom door. The fifth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have Fugghauer in here?" "Heck no!" replied a little kid from the back row, "We don't even get a dang cookie break!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marius Bogdan Dinu, 21, Ronald Gavril, 21, and Gabriel Julian Stan, 20, from Romania Career Limiting Move October 29, 2007 - Reuters Three Romanian boxers have been given life bans after they were caught shoplifting in a plush Chicago department store during the world amateur championships. Marius Bogdan Dinu, 21, Ronald Gavril, 21, and Gabriel Julian Stan, 20, were caught red-handed Friday and have already been sent home, the Amateur International Boxing Association (AIBA) said in a statement. "This misbehavior tarnishes the image and reputation of AIBA and the sport of boxing," AIBA president Wu Ching-kuo said. "The measures AIBA has taken are a strong illustration of the new AIBA and its zero tolerance for misbehavior inside or outside of the ring." Romania's boxing chief Rudel Obreja has already issued a public apology for the incident, the AIBA said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0710 ... ia_bans_dc
Thanks to Sandie for this picture Scissor Spider
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Free Virus Scan Dear Webby, Webby, The free Virus scan you had in your column yesterday is that also for Windows XP? And does it thouroughly do a scan...If so why do you use and recommend McAfee? I have McAfee and yes it is great but certainly would like to use the free one if possible being on limited income. Thanks for a wonderful,knowledgeable web page. Jaye Dear Jaye Yes, sure Avast works for XP. It's not professional grade high security like McAfee, but then neither is the MSN, that you use. For casual use, it's probably quite good enough Have FUN! DearWebby

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The old town blacksmith realised he couldn't work so hard anymore. He picked out strong young Bill Deville to become his apprentice. The old fellow was impatient and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told Bill, "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Bill is looking for a new apprenticeship.

Deeli's Kudos October 24, 2007 - Mansfield, Ohio - AP Karen and Mark Cline were teenagers when they got married and didn't have $150 to pay a photographer for their wedding photos. But now they've got the pictures, just in time for their 27th anniversary on Thursday. Their photographer located Karen Cline last week at the diner where she works and surprised her with a photo album. About a month ago, I was just cleaning out some of my old things and I found it,'' said photographer Jim Wagner, who's now 80. ``I knew she didn't have any money back then, and I just thought she might like to have it.'' It was too much for Karen Cline. ``I just stood there and cried and cried and hugged him,'' she said, tearing up again as she described their meeting. She said she was 18 at the time, and felt heartsick because she and her husband, who was 19, couldn't afford to pay Wagner. Instead, all they have had was a single photo that someone else took, of her walking down the aisle. Wagner said he was able to track down Karen Cline after running into her stepfather a few weeks ago. He said she immediately wrote him a check for $150. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/custom ... 2675.story

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it." With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it." The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven11empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gas Tip: Change Your Commuting Habits If at all possible, change your work start time to avoid gridlock. Stop and go traffic hurts your gas mileage. Try to arrange car pools with co-workers to share the cost of commuting to work. Walk, bike or use public transportation to your intended location whenever possible. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Archimedes' Screw
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Dear Webby: Rex X in forwards 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 31, 2007
Happy Halloween!

A man's silence is wonderful to listen to. --- Thomas Hardy The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. --- Bill Nye
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts"
Thanks to great Granny Vi for this story: Elsie the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull were on either side of a fence. Elsie the Cow gave him a wink and he leaped over the fence to her side. "Aren't you Ferdinand the Bull?" she asked. "Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was a lot higher than I thought."

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Reisha heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. Reisha came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" Reisha said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked," Pasteurized?" Reisha said, "No. Just up to my breasts." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk in Hamburg, Germany Fake Victim October 29, 2007 - Hamburg, Germany - Ananova A man who fell asleep on a train after a Halloween fancy dress party prompted a police investigation in Germany. Joerg Reichter, 24, had gone to the party dressed as a murder victim and had painted fake blood over his face and hands. But he passed out on the train back home after the boozy party in Hamburg and worried passengers called the police. A police spokesman said: "His costume made him look like the victim of a serious assault as he appeared to be bleeding from the face and hands, and worried passengers called us up. "But when they got there our officers realised what had happened and woke him up. They got him to take the fake blood and wounds off so there would be no more misunderstandings." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2573750.html?menu=

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wayne Re: Red X Dear Webby, This is a tech question. My sister quite often sends me very interesting attachments with pictures that I cannot open. They all have the small white box with a red X in it. I've attached the last e-mail she sent as an example. It the problem on her end when sending it or on my end when opening it? I'm assuming it is on her in since I have no trouble opening and viewing attachments and pictures from anyone else. Thanks for your help. Dear Wayne Most likely your sister is handicapping herself with Outlook Depressed. I don't have a clue about that program. Suggest to her to write to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

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An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. A man in his forties said he would play with him and would even give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "Thanks, but I really don't need a handicap. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the two men were within two strokes of each other. Then it happened. The old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Grumbling as he stepped into the sand trap, he then hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole. The younger man was impressed and puzzled. "Nice shot but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the old man, "I do! Please give me a hand."

Deeli's Kudos October 29, 2007 - Chester, UK - Ananova A golfer who took part in a charity game with three clubs ended up getting two holes-in-one. Amateur golfer Phil Walker had only two irons and a putter but got his first hole-in-one at the sixth hole. His friends were gobsmacked when he got a second hole-in-one at the 17th at Mollington Golf Club, Chester. Phil, 52, told the Daily Mirror: "You wait all your life for a hole-in-one, then two come along all at once. "Usually, I end up in the water on the 17th, so just to hit the green would have done me - but to hole it!" http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2573633.html?menu=

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Washing a Mattress Mix 1/2 teaspoon liquid dishwashing detergent with 1 quart of water and use it to scrub the mattress. Use as little water as possible to avoid mildew problems. Let the mattress dry thoroughly before putting the sheets back on the mattress. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sam is over at Anni's house after meeting her parents for the very first time. While at the supper table he figured it was a good time to get on the right side of his future mother-in-law. Sam turned to Anni's mother and remarked, "These are excellent fishcakes." Anni pulled Sam close to her and whispered in his ear, "You should go and wash your hands, those are peanut butter cookies!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hugh McMahon Funkins
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Dear Webby: Camera Deals 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  October 30, 2007

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. --- Laurence J. Peter The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. --- Fran Lebowitz
Not satisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise. Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp. He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body. After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he demanded. "It was DNA from a Woolly Mammoth." "Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size of my balls!"
Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?" Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat." They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing." Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth." Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath." Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

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A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into his tool bag. A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!" All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright beet red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again.... Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dawn Nyberg, 32, of Blaine, Minnesota In a fix now! October 27, 2007 - Minneapolis, Minnesota - AP A former court clerk is in a fix. She's charged with fixing 73 of her own parking tickets to avoid paying $5,112 in fines and late fees. Dawn Nyberg, 32, of Blaine, was charged with theft by swindle of public funds, forgery, and misconduct by a public officer. The first two charges are felonies; the last is a misdemeanour. Hennepin County District Court Administrator Mark Thompson said he had not seen anything similar in his 13 years with the court. Nyberg's tickets were issued near the Hennepin County Government Center, averaging one every 10 days over two years. "The presumption is she was parking the car around here and coming into work," Assistant Hennepin County Attorney Tom Fabel said. The complaint alleges Nyberg used her access to a county computer system to expunge her citations or enter incorrect information about her vehicle. Most times, Nyberg used her personal login, but sometimes she used other employees' names, the complaint said. Nyberg paid no fines on any citations except the final two tickets, which she paid when she resigned June 25, 10 days after the trouble came to light. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0710 ... fixing_fix
Thanks to Roland for bringing back this classic:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: Camera deals Dear Webby, Thanks for all your great advice and jokes. I remember your suggestion to get a top of the line camera that's 1-2 years old for finding a quality camera at a good price. I'm trying to do that, but don't know where to start to find these old "top of the line" cameras. Can you tell me somewhere I can start looking. Any good suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Chuck Dear Chuck Try http://cameras.pricegrabber.com/digital ... rshot/rd=1 Camera Deals http://snipurl.com/1sw0h Have FUN! DearWebby

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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?" "Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to ask her a question." St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary! The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?" "Well", says Mother Mary, "to tell the truth, I was really hoping for a girl."

Deeli's Kudos October 29, 2007 - Chicago, Illinois - AP It was 1947 when newlyweds Larry and Mariam Orenstein honeymooned in Chicago, paying just under $10 a night for a room at The Palmer House. Six decades later, the couple stayed in the hotel's penthouse suite for the same price — part of an offer for long-ago patrons. The Palmer House allows one-time guests who visited more than 50 years ago to stay at the historic hotel for the price of their original stay — provided guests can submit an original receipt. The Orenstein's room goes for $1,600 today. The Milwaukee-area residents, both 81, saved their hotel bill, along with other items from their wedding. ''I feel wonderful,'' Larry Orenstein told the Chicago Sun-Times at the ornate, downtown hotel. ''I feel 2 years old.'' The long-running deal at the 136-year-old hotel has been offered to guests since 1925. But customers have taken advantage of the offer fewer than 10 times over the last 25 years, said hotel spokesman Ken Price. In the end, the Orensteins did not even have to pay the $10-a-night bill. As a gift, their 12-year-old grandson, Ze Orenstein, footed the bill. http://www.happynews.com/news/10292007/ ... tay-10.htm

TRICK OR TREATING BY STAR SIGN Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Costume: TV Set Get large cardboard box and cut out the bottom for your legs and three holes for your arms and head. Paint the box to look like a television set. You can cut out a picture from a movie poster to put where the screen should be. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman asked, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just bwoke my goddang cookies!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Ghost research pictures
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Anti-Virus for old versions of Windows 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  October 29, 2007

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. --- William Hazlitt ------------------------ Sounds like poor William never had a dog! I have had dogs that showed more genuine emotion than a whole herd of politiicans. DearWebby
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?" "Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."
A real smooth talker who prided himself on being the ladies man finally met his match one night. The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and that he would inherit over ten million dollars. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local bar, where he just happened to see a drop dead gorgeous long legged woman. Of course, he couldn't wait to work his charms on her and indeed she was so interested in him, they went back to his house together. The next day she became his soon-to-be rich stepmother.

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I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitdchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to License Plate protesters in Beijing, China Dirty Minds? October 13, 2007 - Beijing, China - Reuters Some Beijing motorists are flushed with anger over new license plate numbers that contain the letter combination "WC", saying it gives them "unpleasant images". Along with "okay", "hello" and "bye-bye", the abbreviation for the Victorian "Water Closet", or toilet, has became one of the most well-known English expressions in China. Despite being on a jargon hitlist of Olympic organizers, who plan to replace the "WC" with the more bog-standard "toilet", it remains all-too-vivid for some of the 800 Bejing car owners issued with the initials on their license plates. Authorities, however, were not sympathetic. "We will not change our policy," a policeman in charge of issuing license plates said. English initials on car-plates have previously proved to be problematic in China, where homonyms and abbreviations occasionally have unexpected associations in Mandarin. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/w ... a4560.html
Thanks to Sandie for these pictures of her powderpuff bush:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cathi Re: Anti Virus for ME Dear Webby, I have Windows Me on my computer. It's old and cannot handle any more recent version. Now it turns out that McAfee no longer updates the virus protection for it. Do you you have any suggestions? I don't want to buy a new computer and I'd still like to be able to go online safely. Cathi Dear Cathi Try Avast Home http://www.avast.com/eng/avast_4_home.html Have FUN! DearWebby

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Sherry the secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you" "Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile....."

Deeli's Kudos October 13, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP A tiger species thought to be extinct in the wild for more than two decades has been photographed by a farmer in northwest China, state media reports. The South China tiger, an endangered tiger subspecies believed to have died out in the wild, was spotted in a mountainous area, the China Daily said. The tiger was photographed by a farmer on Oct. 3. Experts confirmed that it was a young South China tiger, the newspaper quoted Shaanxi Forestry Administration Bureau Deputy Director Zhu Julong as saying. "After careful examination, experts confirmed the authenticity of the photos. That means the tiger has been found again after more than 20 years," Zhu said. The South China tiger is one of the world's smallest and the only tiger subspecies native to China's central and southern areas, the official Xinhua News Agency said. There are 68 of the tigers in zoos in China, the newspaper said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0710 ... rare_tiger

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Deck of Cards Kids can play Go Fish, War, Old Maid, Crazy Eights, Solitaire, and other simple games. Cards can also be used to build card houses or to do magic tricks. Check out a book of card games at the library and kids can entertain themselves for hours. Keep in mind that SOME kids absolutely do not like cards. I remember building one card house, and then sneaking off to the basement and building bird houses from cut ends of boards I had gotten from a nearby construction site. From then on I knew that, whenever the cards came out, I could build anything I wanted, and they would not bother me for hours. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Samhain, A Celtic Tradition
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Dear Webby: Convert pictures to thumbnails 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  October 28, 2007

Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. --- James Dean You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." --- Plato:
Thanks to Vickey for this story: This cowboy was out looking for a job one day. He stopped at a ranchers house to ask the rancher for a job. This rancher looks over the cowboy and thinks to himself, "Waal, he looks ok, 10 gallon hat, denim shirt, denim pants but he's wearing tennis shoes. Guess I'll see what he can do." So the rancher tells the cowboy. "OK, let's see what you can do. Go rope that calf over there and brand it." The cowboy has the calf branded before the little doggie knows what hit him. Well, the rancher is a bit impressed but still not too sure so he gives him another test. "Now break that there bronc", he points to a wild looking stallion in a corral. This cowboy saddles, and rides the bronc, wildest ride you've ever seen. After 5 minutes the bronc is so tired he settles down and the cowboy hand the rancher a tame horse. This rancher is IMPRESSED now. "OK, son you got the job. There's just one question I gotta ask you. You rope and ride real well and you look mostly like a cowboy except for them tennis shoes. Why don't you wear cowboy boots instead of tennis shoes?" The cowboy looks the rancher in the eye and says, "I would wear cowboy boots, but then people would think I was a trucker!"
Boudreaux and Rodrigue are out in one of Louisiana's Cajun country swamps when Rodrigue falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. Boudreaux takes out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. "My friend is dead. He jus' pass out. What can I do?" The operator says in a calm soothing voice, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a long silence, then the operator hears a shot. Boudreaux's voice comes back on the line. "Okay," he says. "Now what?"

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Bonehead in Tulsa, Oklahoma Fell off the wagon October 13, 2007 - Tulsa, Oklahoma - AP Some fashion statements draw more attention than others, and wearing handcuffs while walking near the Tulsa County Courthouse is one that got noticed. A man wearing a pair of handcuffs on one wrist drew the attention of passersby Friday, who contacted law officers. But it turns out it was just his idea of a fashion statement, said sheriff's Sgt. Jody Britt. The man, whose name was not released, was wearing Goth clothing, with one end of the handcuffs on his wrist and the other end dangling, making it appear as if he had escaped custody, Britt said. "Wearing a set of handcuffs near a courthouse is not exactly the most intelligent thing you could do," Britt said. Deputies stopped the man and checked for warrants. None were found, and he was released. http://cbs5.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 21405.html
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." Water bomber scooping water on Big Bear lake, California
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Thumbnails to save disk space Dear Webby I have heard that it takes a lot of space on my computer to have pictures of family and friends in folders and that I should make thumbnails instead. Is this true? Thanks. I enjoy your Humor Letter very much. Carolyn Dear Carolyn Whoever told you that nonsense, should be put on a strict diet of Smarties, and should not allowed out of the funny farm without competent supervision. There is probably a lot of useless stuff on your computer, that can be dumped, and replaced if needed. However, pictures of your friends and family can not be replaced. They have more rights to be on your computer and on your back-up than ANY of the replaceable crap. Especially silly games that can be downloaded again. You can always get a second hard drive cheap. But pictures of friends and relatives are not replaceable. I make thumbnails IN ADDITION to the regular size pictures, to make menuing and sorting easier, but I never reduce good pictures to thumbnail size without keeping them in original or at least regular size. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna really mess your drawers when you hear the price."

Deeli's Kudos October 11, 2007 - London, UK - AFP British adventurer Jason Lewis on Saturday arrived in Greenwich, south-east London, ending a 13-year round-the-world trip using only the power of the human body. The 40-year-old completed the final leg of his 46,000-mile (74,000-kilometre) odyssey by pedalling his 26-foot (7.9-metre) boat Moksha up the River Thames. During his circumnavigation, he capsized in the North Atlantic Ocean, broke both legs, was chased by a crocodile in Australia and arrested on suspicion of spying in Egypt and threatened with a 40-year prison sentence. Bearded and looking tired, a clearly emotional Lewis crossed the Greenwich Meridian line at the Royal Observatory by carrying his boat with the help of supporters and cheering well-wishers. Lewis set off from the same spot -- zero degrees longitude -- bound for Portugal in July 1994. The 16-leg journey also included biking, kayaking and hiking. "It feels fantastic. I came over the line and I was choked. I blubbed (cried) like a baby," he told reporters. "Everything I've been doing for the last 13 years has been in some way connected to this trip and tomorrow that will be no more." Lewis, from Dorset in south-west England, said he planned to rest this weekend before embarking on a career organising "mini-expeditions" for young people and giving talks about climate change. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071006/lf ... 1006174058

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Extra Measuring Cups with Ingredients I have extra measuring cups and spoons and I put the appropriate measure into the container for items like flours, sugars, oatmeal, etc., and leave them there. Saves time and washing, and extra mess because I can keep the bowls over the container while measuring. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sammy, a little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," Sammy responded immediately. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," Sammy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: .... 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Pumpkin Carving
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Why not AOL? 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  October 27, 2007

If you command wisely, you'll be obeyed cheerfully. --- Thomas Fuller Dream as if you'll live forever; Live as if you'll die today. --James Dean
Thanks to LLLido for this story: John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Thanks to Sandie for this story: One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had only gone a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign that read, "Ice: 10 Miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign that said, "Ice: 5 Miles." The next one read, "Ice: 1/2 Mile." We practically crept that half-mile. We finally came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store and it said, "Ice: 75 Cents."

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Thanks to Connie for this story: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a shoplifting drunk in Kukwonago, Wisconsin Fell off the wagon October 25, 2007 - Kukwonago, Wisconsin - AP A man told police he couldn't help himself when he took seven bottles of a spiked lemonade drink from the shelf at a Wal-Mart Supercenter and drank them in the liquor aisle. Police Chief Fred Winchowky said the 43-year-old town man claimed he was a recovering alcoholic and had been dry for 16 months before he went to the store October 14th with his wife, who was not aware of what he was doing. "He went down that aisle and he said 'I just couldn't control myself,'" Winchowky said. "He stated he was upset he broke his 16-month streak and he didn't know how he was going to tell his wife." The chief said security video caught the man drinking the 12-ounce bottles of Jack Daniels Lynchburg Lemonade over a 15-minute period. He placed the empty bottles back on the shelf. Confronted by a store official, he first denied it but smelled of intoxicants, Winchowky said. The man was cited for retail theft. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Mission Viejo Fires
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Matt Re: Why not AOL Dear Webby I have started a business and a good friend suggested that I dump my AOL address like it was hot coals, not just a hot potato, and that I should ask you why. He said he was not capable of being diplomatic on that topic. So, what's the story? Matt Dear Matt I too find it very difficult to be diplomatic on that topic. AOL email is absolutely unreliable, because you never know from one day to the next whom they are going to block. If they bounce your phone bill a month before your long planned special sale, you could get extremely annoyed. Some companies flat out refuse to do business with you, if you don't have a reliable address. An AOL address is not considered a reliable address. I realize that there are a handful of good people on AOL, but it's AOL's postmaster and the 9 Million other AOLers, who give them a bad name. When you show up with an AOL address, don't expect any respect. Expect to hear snickering behind your back. Some people know that AOL is bad for them, but they like the warm feeling they get from being part of the AOL community, just like some babies enjoy the warm feeling they get from messing their diapers. If you are addicted to that warm feeling, get a reliable address on the side for anything that is really important or related to your business. The most respect you get, of course, with an address based on your business web site. If you don't have one yet, get a gmail address. People know it is an assumed screen alias, but because gmail is reliable, they respect it. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was. His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good time."

Deeli's Kudos man was convicted of trying to rob a west Georgia bank after a jury discovered the impression of a holdup note that the prosecution was unaware of. Darius K. Heard, 29, of Fayetteville was sentenced Thursday to 16 years in prison for attempted robbery, fleeing officers and reckless driving. A co-defendant, Reamon D. Mapp, 25, of Austell, was s entenced to 10 years after pleading guilty to attempted robbery, fleeing officers and possession of cocaine. Heard was convicted of an April 11 robbery attempt at the RBC Centura bank in Hogansville after jurors at his trial found the outline of a holdup note pressed into the blank pages of a notebook that was seized from the car in which he and Mapp were arrested. When the two were stopped after a high-speed chase, police found two partially written notes on the vehicle's center console. One read, "This is a robbery so don't panic because if you do you could put," and stopped in mid-sentence. The other note said, "This." A notebook on the floorboard contained only blank pages, but when jurors examined it during deliberations they could see indentations of a complete holdup note. http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/ ... _1012.html

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Beer For Slugs Bury a plastic container in the ground near plants that you want to protect from slugs so that the rim of the container is at ground level. Then pour some beer, the cheaper the better, into the container. In no time, you will start to see slugs meeting their end in the beer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look just too tight? I think I'm fine but I can see you won't co-operate with me; The way you let the shadows play, You'd think my hair was getting grey What's that, you say? A double chin? No, that's the way the light comes in; If you persist in peering so, You'll confiscate my facial glow, And then if you're not hanging straight, You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight; I'm really quite upset with you, For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise... O, look what's happened to my thighs! I warn you now, O mirrored wall, Since we're not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Carvings of Patrick Moser
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Dear Webby: Perfume Hoax Mail 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  October 26, 2007

Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!


In order to do what really matters to you, you have to, first of all, know what really matters to you." --- Dr. Edward Hallowell:
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote... 7.) It comes in cute containers. He got an A
Thanks to Bob for this report: My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains...."

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Keli said, "I met the best-looking guy! He's gorgeous, but he doesn't say much. He's very quiet." Anni asked, "Did you check to see if he needs the battery replaced??" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Belgian Railways Punctuality more important than a life 25 October, 2007 - Belgium - Ananova A Belgian man who stopped an old woman being crushed in train doors as she got onto a train was handed a £40 pound fine for causing a delay. Daniel Dewulf from Ostend was given the fine by a conductor after he pulled open the train doors after they closed on the elderly lady as she tried to get on. He said: "I heard the conductor's whistle just as I got on the train and then realised someone else was trying to get on. The doors had closed on the elderly woman, trapping her. "In order to prevent a tragedy I pushed the door open and helped her get in. She thanked me profusely. But the conductor gave me a fine because he said my actions increased the chance of a delay. "He wasn't interested when I tried to explain to him that I had only opened the doors to try and save an old woman's life." Belgian Railways has now apologised to Dewulf and a spokesman said: "We should have fined the woman in question for boarding the train after the whistle." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2567094.html?menu=
Now that is some REAL pollution!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Fwd.:Be Aware Please read this. It is no joke. Here is the e-mail I was sent: Dear Friends: I know not all of you are women that I am sending this to, but am hoping you will share this with your wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, etc. Our world seems to be getting crazier by the day. Pipe bombs in mail boxes and sickos in parking lots with perfume. Be careful. I was approached yesterday afternoon aro und 5:30 PM in the Wal-Mart parking lot by two men asking what kind of perfume I .......... Dear Fred Forget it. That is an ancient hoax. You can read up on it even at Snopes. There is no gas that is so potent that it can knock you out with just the tiny amount that can be put into a stack of scratch cards. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. "What's the matter child?" he asks. "Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic." "There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around." Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing. "Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father." "Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?" "Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."

Deeli's Kudos October 25, 2007 - Muncie, Indiana - AP A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says. Shannon Conwell, 33, said he and his 9-year-old son fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie. They awoke about 3 a.m. Friday to find their home on fire after hearing the family's Amazon parrot, Peanut, imitating a fire alarm. ''He was really screaming his head off,'' Conwell said. The smoke alarm had activated, but it was the bird's call that caught Conwell's attention. ''I grabbed my son and my bird, and got out of the house,'' he said. The fire destroyed the home's dining room, kitchen and bedroom, Muncie fire officials said. Conwell said the fact that he and his son fell asleep on the couch helped save them. They may not have heard the alarm or the bird if they were asleep in their bedrooms. Conwell said he runs an air conditioner and a breathing machine in his bedroom and they drown out a lot of noise around the house. http://www.happynews.com/news/10252007/ ... family.htm

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tennis Ball In The Garage Are you worried about a young driver (or yourself) driving through the back wall of you garage? Hang a tennis ball from the ceiling of the garage. Position the tennis ball to hit the windshield when the car is pulled in far enough. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams and wanted to know what he should do next. His mother suggested, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great idea and arranged a date for the next weekend. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. He moaned, "Oh, mom, the evening was a complete disaster." His mother said, "Why, didn't she come over?" And the young man said, "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook . . ."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Free Books
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Dear Webby: Assign sounds to events 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  October 25, 2007

Wear something red tomorrow to show your support for the troops!


Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. --- Don Marquis Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. --- Jonathan Winters
Our neighbor used the word hypochondriac to describe the phase her teen-age daughter was going though. One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side was appendicitis. Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right. "So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter said. "My appendix is on the wrong side."
Man to Ticket Agent: I want to buy a bus ticket for Norwald. Ticket Agent, Searching Book: Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald, anyway? Man: Over there. He's my brother-in-law.

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Two Jews had businesses on the same street. One had customers coming and going and the other, well, maybe two or three a day. Finally, Morris, whose business was doing badly, decided to visit Shapiro, who was doing very well. Going in the door, he saw a large banner over the entrance which read : "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE." Morris wanted to know why Shapiro was going out of business, since he seemed to be doing so well. Shapiro confided, "That sign has been in my window for almost eight months. If I took it down, I would go out of business." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Priest Manuel Raul Ortega in Monterrey, Mexico Not a shining example! October 12, 2007 - Monterrey, Mexico - Reuters A Mexican priest briefly ended up behind bars after punching a policemen who caught him driving drunkenly through the streets of the northern city of Monterrey. Priest Manuel Raul Ortega, who was not wearing clerical dress but was clutching a prayer book when captured, launched himself at the traffic cop who pulled him over earlier this week. "The individual became very violent because they were going to tow away his car. He attacked a policeman and was taken away," said transit department spokesman Hector Lozano on Thursday. Ortega's papers identified him as a priest. He was released a few hours after his arrest after paying the fines for his offenses. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0710 ... _priest_dc
Thanks to JRC for sending this picture titled "Newfie Cab". Howeverr, wit a haxent like tat, I tink the driverr of tat cab is a Quebecois, not a Newfie.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: Assigning Sounds to events hello my friend, there used to be a program that let you choose what sounds you wanted to add to your " program events " it had explosions,rifle shots,etc,etc,etc. do you know the name of it ? thanks, daniel, Dear Daniel Go into Control Panel Sounds and Audio Sounds In there you can assign any sounds you want to any event you want. There are tons of sounds included, and you can also use additional ones from your own collection. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Sometimes you will cry, and no one will see your tears Sometimes you will laugh, and no one will see you smile Sometimes you will fear, and no one will see you shudder Sometimes you will fall, and no one sees you struggle Sometimes you will be late, and no one seems to notice But fart just one time...

Deeli's Kudos October 24, 2007 - World - Gimundo "Panties For Peace Movement" Women all over the planet have found a unique tool to protest the brutal military regime in Myanmar (formerly Burma). Their secret weapon? Underwear. Thongs, polka-dots, or Granny panties, with tags from Target or Victoria's Secret – the style and brand don't matter one bit. According to the UK's Daily Mail, the superstitious leaders of the military junta in Myanmar believe that any physical contact with a pair of women's panties will "rob them of their power." So, a protest group called Lanna Action for Burma has banded together with the aim of getting women from every nation to send some of their unmentionables to the Myanmar embassies within their home countries. The name of the mission is, of course, "Panties for Peace." And while the mailbags full of lacy delicates may not flat-out end the fighting, it serves as "an extremely strong message in Burmese and in all Southeast Asian culture," activist Liz Hilton told the Daily Mail. If you want to join in the panty protest, just pick up a pair or two and visit lannaactionforburma.blogspot.com for details. Learn more. (Daily Mail) http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/6 ... _to_Peace?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Donate Old Magazines Give your old magazines to hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, schools or clinics. Schools need magazines for research and for children to cut pictures out of. Anywhere there is a waiting room there are people hoping for something to read. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A customer was so infatuated with his waitress he decided to ask her for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and confronted her. With a total lack of finesse, he blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me since you served me? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," replied the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Is CrapCleaner safe? 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  October 24, 2007

When you come right down to it, the secret of having it all is loving it all. --- Dr. Joyce Brothers The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. --- Foster's Law
I was thinking about digging up this old classic pre-halloween story, when Sandie mailed it to me: This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro, Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's indeed real. An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barley see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town. Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence came over those listening and everybody got goose bumps. They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Billy Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the rain.'
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar show? " "Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's entirely up to you......"

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"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor...." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the council in Slough, Berkshire, UK from the frying pan into the fire October 20, 2007 - Slough, Berkshire, UK - The Sun A bonfire night party has been banned by council chiefs because it breaches their new clean-air policy. They claimed it would be hypocritical to go ahead with the annual civic event in Slough. But disappointed locals said it was health and safety gone mad. Just weeks ago it launched a "Cleaner, Safer, Greener Slough" campaign - with the pledge it would "protect the air you breathe". Events manager Susan Duncan said: "We all have a responsibility to look after our environment as it is so important, so we have decided not to have a bonfire again. "But there will be a fantastic fireworks display and other entertainment for residents to enjoy and celebrate the night." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2559963.html?menu= --------------- What a bunch of idiots! A natural bonfire harms the environment a LOT less than a "fantastic fireworks display".
From the forest fire at Green Valley Lake, California One of the lucky houses Interesting, aside from the melted siding, is the top window. I increased brightness and contrast, but didn't retouch it. Many houses there were not so lucky. 20 pictures from the Green Valley Lake forest fire are at http://snipurl.com/1smlw
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerry Re: Is CrapCleaner safe Hi... I sent you an E-Mail last week and did'nt recive any reply... So, Guess I'll thy again... Can you tell me anything about the CrapCleaner... I've downloaded it,from your site here...but I don't want to use it unless I know its safe... Well it delete my files and/or programs that are on my Desktop ??? Thank You for any info... --- Jerry --- Dear Jerry Crap Cleaner is perfectly safe. It will just delete useless crap. If you are using cookies to sign in at the bank and places like that, take the checkmark off the cookies. Then it will leave those alone. It will show you first what it has found that is useless crap. You can look that over and un-check stuff if you think you might need it. CrapCleaner will remember your preferences and next time not suggest anything that you had unchecked the last time. Quite often, if your machine slows down and gets close to stalling, running CrapCleaner will get things moving again and speed up the machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it!!!"

Deeli's Kudos October 14, 2007 - Idaho Falls, Idaho - Ananova A US man spent four years waiting for a new kidney - only to find a donor through a chance knock on his door. Travelling salesman Jamie Howard offered up one of his kidneys after asking Paul Sucher why he couldn't afford a new vacuum cleaner. "It was something I was called to do," Mr. Howard, 35, told Idaho's Times-News newspaper. Mr. Sucher, who had spent three years having dialysis, now says he feels as healthy as before his kidneys failed. Both Mr. Sucher's kidneys failed in 2004 because of high blood pressure. And while his name went on a donor waiting list at the University of Colorado, he barely moved up the list in two-and-a-half years. "You're waiting for a dead man's kidney," he said. "There's never enough." That all changed when Mr. Howard, an Idaho Falls-based vacuum cleaner salesman, knocked on the Sucher's front door. But it was far from simple convincing the Colorado doctors to accept Mr. Howard as a donor. They suspected money had changed hands. Eventually doctors were convinced when Mr. Sucher pointed out the only people making money from the £125,000 operation were the surgical team. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2548956.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at ten21empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Teriyaki Marinade for Tender Beef Chuck Use a bottled chicken teriyaki marinade along with green, orange, yellow, and red bell peppers, one medium white onion, lemon herb, and steak seasoning. Cook with medium-low heat on stove for about 30 to 45 min. Make sure to marinate in a closed container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: igNobel Prizes
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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