Dear Webby: Difference between B and EM 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends in the US!

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. --- Napoleon Hill:
HAVING GONE OUT for a large lunch with fellow workers, a secretary from our office who runs regularly was especially motivated to get to the gym after work. Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food, suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As she was leaving the office, she called to the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!" This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face turned red even before her first lap.
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During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door opened and a soldier rushed in to announce, "Hey, captain, the Northern Lights are out! Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ross M. Walsh, 26, of Linden, Iowa, and Lois K. Feldman, 38, of Carroll, Iowa Metrodome sexcapade Last update: November 26, 2008 - 7:02 AM While the Iowa Hawkeyes were scoring at will on the field Saturday night, two fans from the Hawkeye State were scoring elsewhere in the Metrodome. Police say a man and woman were "having relations" in a bathroom stall as a crowd cheered them on. Ross M. Walsh, 26, of Linden, Iowa, and Lois K. Feldman, 38, of Carroll, Iowa, were cited for misdemeanor indecent conduct. Walsh was released to his girlfriend and Feldman to her husband, police said. A security guard came upon the scene in the handicapped stall, police said. Police were summoned, and they separated the two. Both were intoxicated, said University Deputy Police Chief Chuck Miner.
Thanks to Bill for this story: I walked over to the attractive young woman seated across the bar and made a disparaging remark about some of the men who had been attempting to pick her up. She laughed and smiled, saying, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'." "Ha-ha," I laughed, relishing her humor, and inquired, "Where do you really live?" Her smile disappeared as she responded, "I'm just visiting here."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roseann Re: Difference between B and EM in Html Dear Webby, I know you are an HTML wiz from way back. Nobody can give me a straight answer about this, but most say it is the same. What really IS the difference between B and EM for bolding text on pages? Thanks Roseann Dear Roseann For beginners, it IS the same. For pros, each one can be configured in the CSS (Cascading Style Sheets) to be something different. You can for example set B to just bold the text and put it into Arial font, and set EM to extra bold it, set it into Comics font, Large, Italic, make it red, and give it a yellow background like this: This is in EM The reason for having two is just to have an extra tag that can be custom configured. If you need more, you can custom configure the H1 to H7 tags Have FUN! DearWebby

After my fifth-graders studied the history of the Alamo, I gave them a test with this bonus question: "What was the famous battle cry that later helped spur on independence for Texans?" One student's response: "Remember the alimony!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling a Car to a Private Party If you sell a car to a private party, make sure to transfer the title. If you don't do this, and the car ends up on the side of the road or in a ditch, you will have to pay for any fines or impound feeds associated with the vehicle. Visit ThriftyFun For More Car Selling Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Selling% ... 6_153.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!" His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?" The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Veggie Guru
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Dear Webby: Recording streaming audio 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 26, 2008

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder. --- Laurence J. Peter
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques. The rest were college students.
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I'm sure you've all heard about the military's plans to use huge ground-based lasers to destroy abandoned satellites in orbit. But have you also noticed that since these plans were made public, CNN hasn't aired a single report accusing the military of sexual harassment?
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Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to TV station HTV in Zagreb, Croatia Woman sues TV station over obesity program TV bosses are facing a £10,000 lawsuit after filming a passer-by on the street for a documentary about obese people. Gordana Knezic, 40, said she had no idea that Croatian station HTV were filming her as she shopped in the capital Zagreb . She says she was horrified to see herself on TV later described as an example of an overweight person. Programme-makers say they have already apologised. HTV spokesman Janos Roemer said: "We have been in contact with the lady concerned." But Ms Knezic said she would still be taking them to court. She said: "I was absolutely staggered when I turned on the TV to see myself in a film about fat people. "It was terrible. An apology is not enough. I want to make a point with this legal case. I want to show that attacks on human dignity like this cannot be tolerated." ------------- The nerve of them! Showing how she looks without paying her!
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Betty Re: Recording off the net Dear Webby, I can record most things off the net, but some courses seem to be using some sort of streaming directly to the speakers, and I can't intercept and record it. I know, it's probably some copy protection, but how am I supposed to study the stuff if I can't listen to it again at a more convenient time? Is there a way around that? Betty Dear Betty I know that problem exists, but it usually is not intended by the cours instructor. Most of the time it's just a "feature" of the seminar software that they use, and they have no clue about how to turn that "feature" off. Put your microphone in front of the speaker and in Settings, Control Panel, Sound, Audio, Sound Recording, Volume, Advanced turn on Microphone Boost. Even though the direct streaming is a bypass and not recordable, you can record the microphone input normally with Audacity or any similar program. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and confronted Moishe. "Do you know what happened to me?" he demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday." Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied, "Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Replacing Turkey with Chicken in Recipes Many recipes for chicken work just as well with holiday turkey leftovers. I used a chicken curry recipe for dinner and substituted turkey. The flavor is better if the pieces of turkey are stir fried just enough to brown them. By Lynn http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf410940.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for what they should be looking for. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Jet Stream
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Dear Webby: Digital Zoom 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 25, 2008

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. --- Cullen Hightower Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. --- Evan Esar
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love.
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Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?" The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." "My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs." The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your white meat."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Philip and Tina Sherman in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Couple sue McDonald's over nude photos A US couple are suing McDonald's for £2m after nude photos of the woman, which were on her husband's mobile phone, ended up on the internet. Phillip Sherman says he accidentally left his phone, with the photos, at a McDonald's in Fayetteville, Arkansas, reports the BBC. He says staff promised to secure the phone until he could retrieve it. But the Shermans claim they had to move home after the woman's name, address, and phone number appeared online along with the photos. Tina Sherman says she began receiving offensive calls and text messages about the pictures from her husband's mobile phone after he left it at the McDonald's on 5 July. The couple then discovered that the nude pictures she had sent to her husband's phone had been posted online. The Shermans are suing McDonald's Corporation, the owner of the franchise involved and the restaurant's manager, saying they have suffered emotional distress, embarrassment and damage to their reputations. McDonald's has so far refused to comment on the case. They are probably still trying to find an employee who knows how to upload stuff like that. Yu wanna haf flies wif that? in Fayetteville, Arkansas,
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moe Re: Digital Zoom Dear Webby, how important is the digital zoom on cameras? Is it worth considering when choosing a camera? Moe Dear Moe Knowing how much digital zoom a camera has, is exactly as important to know as the free fall speed of a donut. Digital zoom uses the center part of the picture, after it has been shot, stretches it to full size and fills the gaps between the pixels with fluff. The picture winds up looking fuzzy and coarse. If you want to expand a picture, you can do a much better job with PSP or Photoshop. The better cameras let you lock out digital zoom, so that you will NEVER, not even accidentally, use it. The only zoom that counts is optical zoom. Have FUN! DearWebby

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, " I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com What to Do with Leftovers If you have lots of leftovers you may want to freeze them rather than trying to consume them all before they go bad. You can do this with breads, cookies and other baked goods as well as meats and cheeses. Also consider sharing some with those whose families were not with them during the holidays. Visit ThriftyFun for more Leftover Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I begetting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hanoverians
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Dear Webby: AVG Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 24, 2008

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. --- Oscar Levant The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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Little Suzie ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother. "My doll! Johnny broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Suzie?" "I hit him over the head with it."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Woods, 21, of Huntington Beach CA Heart patient chases truck A 63-year-old Suffolk man facing major heart surgery chased a lorry across three counties after it clipped his Tudor house. Wynn Evans, a wood carver, heard an "almighty thud" as one of two lorries travelling in convoy struck the overhanging roof of his 500-year-old home in Cavendish. It damaged beams, tiling and a window and sent a chunk of wood crashing to the pavement, reports the Daily Telegraph. The property had been hit by vehicles several times before so Mr Evans jumped into his car and began a 20-mile pursuit in search of the vehicle's registration number. He called police frequently on his mobile from his car as he followed to update them of his progress. A patrol car eventually intercepted an HGV in Linton, Cambs, 30 minutes later and the driver was arrested. "I was making a cup of tea when I heard the bang and saw the lorry drive off," he said. "I was livid. I didn't want to beat anybody up I just wanted to make sure somebody paid for the damage because I knew what it would cost. "I knew that if I simply called the police all they would have to go on was a vague description of the lorry. So I jumped in my car and followed it and called the police as I went." Mr Evans had spent several hours at Papworth Hospital, Cambs, earlier that day, undergoing tests ahead of heart bypass surgery. Mr Evans and his wife Lesley have lived in the listed property for two-and-a-half years during which time it has been hit four times. Last year a lorry caused £10,000 worth of damage in a similar incident. --------------- After the house has been hit 3 times, somebody less boneheaded would have put a big, brightly painted rock at the corner, instead of waiting for the next truck to hit the overhang.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. Anni arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. Anni said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bethel Re: AVG Problems Have tried different ways to contact you, but Vista computer is causing me problems, so hope this route will work. I've had AVG free virus protection for some months now and it has worked fine until today. Tried to do a manual update and keep getting a message " invalid update control CTF file." I have gone on AVG website but because it's a free version, cannot get much info. Do you know what the problem might be? I'm not very computer literate so finding and fixing problems is difficult. Any help you could give would be very much appreciated. Bethel Dear Bethel I don't use or recommend Vista. Regarding Vista problems you will have to contact Microsoft, or whatever con artist conned you into buying Vista. Re AVG, it's pretty well the same story. I don't use or recommend AVG. And you are right. They don't have any help for the free users. It appears that they let you use it free for a while, but then leave you stuck if you don't fork over some cash. Try un-installing it and get the Avast free anti-virus software instead. I don't personally use it, but all subscribers who wrote about it, seem to like it. There is a link to it in my tool box Just scroll down to the big red A Have FUN! DearWebby

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service, and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint. "I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one. "CTC? Who are they?" another asked. "You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop for Gifts at the Dollar Store This year when Christmas shopping, consider buying gifts as well as decorative items from your local dollar store. I went into our dollar store yesterday and was very pleasantly surprised at the amount of decorative items as well as gift items available - and at such a reasonable price! Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Gift Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gifts_246_265.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life Magazine
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Dear Webby: Controlling lights from a computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 23, 2008

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers. --- Thomas Jefferson The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money. --- Jay Leno
My violin teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "Did you got it used?"
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Thanks to Sandie for this report: In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this... Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up!' Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Old Bats
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Woods, 21, of Huntington Beach CA Vehicular manslaughter while texting November 19, 2008 HUNTINGTON BEACH -- A driver who struck and killed a 14-year-old bicyclist while allegedly texting on his cell phone has been indicted for vehicular manslaughter and DUI, authorities said. Investigators say 21-year-old Jeffrey Woods, of Huntington Beach, was apparently negotiating a drug deal when he allegedly struck and killed Danny Oates at the corner of Indianapolis Avenue and Everglades Lane in August 2007. The Orange County grand jury indicted Woods earlier this month for felony vehicular manslaughter with gross negligence while intoxicated and felony driving under the influence causing bodily injury. Woods is accused of driving under the influence of Vicodin and Xanax, according to a statement the District Attorney's Office released Tuesday. If convicted of all charges, Woods faces 10 years in prison.
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling ...Joe" Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: controlling lights from the computer Dear Webby, You mentioned at one time that it was possible to control lights from the computer. Can I use that to control Chritmas lights? How is that done, and how expensive is that? Alex Dear Alex X10 has a computer interface and controller. You can use the computer to program the controller, and you can also reach through and directly control stuff from your computer, and for the last 10 years or so, even over the Internet. The controller puts a little coded fuzz onto the regular house electricity. Appliace plug-ins that you stick into regular outlets read that fuzz, and if the code is meant for a particular plug-in, it toggles on or off. If you use an 8 outlet power bar, and plug 8 appliance plug-ins into it, you can control 8 sets of lights with it. Or 7 sets of lights and your coffee pot and CD player. Whatever is plugged into the appliance modules, is turned on or off by the controller. The controller is programmed or over-ridden by the computer. It is actually quite simple. The price is nuts and unpredictable because of their specials. If you subscribe to their fliers, you can get insane bargains. Earlier this week I ordered I $450 kit for $49. Just lurk until what you want goes on sale, and then pounce. I have seen appliance modules as low as $20 for 10 of them. By the way, X-10 is nothing new. They have been around since the 1960s. Have FUN! DearWebby

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Sap Off Your Hands When handling evergreens or pine cones, you can remove the sticky sap from your hands by scrubbing it with a paste made of baking soda and water. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cleaning Tips If you don't like tedious scrubbing, you can do what the loggers do: A quick spray of WD40 and wipe your hands on your jeans or a rag. Especially when limbing and tossing branches all day, it is important to keep sap off your hands to avoid blisters due to the sticky spot traction caused by sap spots. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Annie for this story: The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: California Wildfires
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: From Outlook to Open Source to Envelopes 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 22, 2008

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. --- Robert Benchley The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question. --- Stephen Jay Gould
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”
Thanks to Sue for this picture: On the road again
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rico Todriquez Wright, 25 of Dublin, GA Rapper gets 20 years after writing shooting song DUBLIN, Ga. – He shot a man twice and felt so good about it, police said, a rapper wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim by name. A judge sentenced 25-year-old Rico Todriquez Wright Monday to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim mentioned the hip hop confession to police. Chad Blue, 28, told police he had known Wright before the September 2006 shooting, but that the men weren't friendly. He testified companions egged Wright on as he chased and shot his victim in the thigh and groin. Later, Blue told police he recognized Wright's voice on a CD, rapping "Chad Blue knows how I shoot." Wright was sentenced to 20 years for two counts of aggravated assault. He will spend another 20 years on probation. Information from: The Courier Herald, http://www.courier-herald.com
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?' her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Printng Envelopes Dear Webby, My address book is on Outlook (I know, but I started the book in the early 1990's and have a lot of data input time invested) and I have moved it to my new computer running Vista (I know bad twice) and now MS Word freezes up when I try to address an envelope using the address book. It was problematic on my old XP machine and crashed word regularly if I updated or added to the address book, but it's useless now. I publish the monthly newsletter for our Non-Profit organization and address about 170 envelopes a month for the mailing. I just finished addressing them, so I have a 30-day break before the next mailing. It's cheaper for the organization if I address the envelopes rather than use labels since my time is donated. Can you recommend software that will run on Vista and can just pull an address from its data base and print a freaking address on an envelope? 'Cause my $300 Vista operating system and $300 MS Office 2007 "Professional" can't seem to get the job done. It would be good if the software can import the Outlook .wab file, but I also have the mailing list in a MS Word document, and at this point would even be willing to type each address by hand into the database if I only had to do it once. Thank you Webby, Paul Dear Paul Industry and commerce nowadays use Open Office. You can get it free from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Open Office is platform independent, and doesn't care whether you handicap yourself with Vista or not. Here is a tutorial for exporting Outlook addresses into the Open Office database Here is one about Printing Envelopes in Open Office Once you have the addresses in your database, you can use them in any Open Office program, not just in WRITE, but even in the spreadsheet for making fancy executive style graphs. Regarding labels versus envelopes: I found that envelopes age a printer a lot faster than labels do, and in the long run, labels are cheaper for me than printers. Have FUN! DearWebby

A missionary visited a small village in a remote jungle and began preaching the gospel. "Jesus saves!" exclaimed the missionalry. "Bawana!" shouted the natives. "Ye must be baptized!" exclaimed the missionary. "Bawana!" shouted the natives "Donate tithes and offerings!" exclaimed the missionary. "Bawana!" shouted the natives. Having had such a successful time, the missionary inquired of the chief as to how he could go to the next village, to share the gospel with them too. The chief replied, "You go down road one thousand paces, you turn right, climb over wall made of rocks, run across field. Many bulls in field, you run fast, but be careful not step in bawana."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Money With LED Christmas Lights They aren't quite as bright as other lights, but LED Christmas lights will save you a bundle on your energy bill. They cost as much as 90% less to operate. LED lights also produce almost no heat, which reduces the risk of fire. Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Decorating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Dec ... 6_255.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth. The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Celebrity Houses
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to "import sites list" 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 20, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --- Gilda Radner There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. --- Benjamin Disraeli
"Dad" asked , "could you help me with my math homework?" "Certainly not," he replied indignantly. "It wouldn't be right." "Maybe not," said , "but you could at least try!"
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Not long after his marriage, David and his dad, Jon, met for lunch. "How's married life treating you, son?" Jon asked. "Not good, Pop. It seems like I've married a nun." "A nun? What are you talking about?" "A nun. As in 'nun' in the morning, 'nun' at night, and flat 'nun' at all unless I beg." "Ah. I see. Well, look, David, why don't you and your wife come on by for supper tonight and we'll have a nice talk about it." David smiled and said, "Thanks, Dad. That's a great idea." "Good," Jon said, "I'll just call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
Thanks to Bernd for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, in Port St. Lucie, Fla. Man accused of battery by sandwich PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a man was arrested after allegedly striking his girlfriend with a sandwich while she was driving. The police report of the incident alleges the 19-year-old victim picked up Emmanuelle Rodriguez, 19, from his mother's home Friday and began driving to their new apartment in Fort Pierce, Fla., while their 7-month-old son slept in the back seat of the vehicle, TCPalm.com reported Tuesday. The report said the victim claims Rodriguez became angry during the ride and "started to hit her in the arm and striking her in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off her face." Rodriguez admitted arguing with his girlfriend and was quoted in the report as telling officers that he "didn't want to hit her so he threw a sandwich at her, striking her in the face (and) knocking her glasses off." Police said Rodriguez was charged with domestic battery and child abuse. He was released from the St. Lucie County jail Saturday after posting $7,500 bail.
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Can you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Site File Dear Webby, The screen says I have a WJVeiw ERROR Could not execute the main. System cannot fine file specified Internal error sites file is missing or corrupted To correct this error,import a new site file. I hope this helps you ,it is the only information I have . Thanks Jan Dear Jan "Sites File" is part of your anti virus program. It looks like some virus knocked over your anti virus program and destroyed the "Sites File" in it. That is it's list of bad sites. If you want to stick with an anti-virus program, that gets knocked out so easily, contact their support and ask them for a new sites file. Have FUN! DearWebby

An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thickening Gravy If your gravy is too runny and thin, mix equal parts flour and cornstarch together and sprinkle it into gravy to thicken it. Sprinkle it in a little at a time and stir, it should thicken up in no time. A large salt shaker is good for this. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Linda for this story: At our adult Sunday-school class, the teacher asked us to think of everyday ways in which we could practice our religion. The topic of driving courtesy came up first. "How do you respond to the driver who rudely cuts you off?" the teacher asked. A woman piped up, "Smash her other fender too?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sunshine Coast
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Graphics Monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 20, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. --- Sir Barnett Cocks The purpose of life is to fight maturity. --- Dick Werthimer
Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Thanks to Bernd for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 81 year old woman in Liverpool, England Woman, 81, suspect in soccer star burglary LIVERPOOL, England (UPI) -- An 81-year-old woman was among five suspects arrested on charges of stealing an Olympic medal and other valuables from an English soccer star. The woman and four other people -- ranging in age from 19 to 45 -- were taken into custody Thursday night in raids on three houses in Liverpool, the Liverpool Echo reported. All were being held on suspicion of burglary. Police said a bronze medal from the Beijing Olympics was recovered. Liverpool midfielder Lucas Leiva's home was robbed while the team was playing Athletico Madrid in England last week. Investigators said a large quantity of suspected stolen goods was seized from the three houses.
Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a female bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. ... I wanna be a bear.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Corona Re: Monitor Dear Webby, have proper monitors become extinct? All I can see is the wide yuppie monitors with pathetic resolution. They have a slimy gloss on them and the dummies get fooled into believing that they have high resolution. However, the wide LCD monitors are simply not good enough for real graphics work. I know you do pretty nice graphics work. Where do you get monitors from these days? Corona Dear Corona The same happened here too. The stores just stock the overpriced wide LCD monitors for dummies. For decent monitors you have to shop on-line, but even there it is becoming difficult to find 20" or larger high resolution monitors, even in High Tech countries like China. The art of making big monitors seems to have been lost. You can use Pricegrabber.com to locate companies that still have old stock and refurbs. Here are some specs to keep in mind if you want a decent monitor: Dot pitch has to be 0.25 mm (.19") maximum Resolution: 1600 x 1200 minimum. If you can't find one on http://www.pricegrabber.com, you may have to slum down to an LCD monitor. Some are getting almost as good as the old fashioned CRT monitors. Dell's 2007FP for about $500 just barely qualifies as a graphics monitor. However, they don't stock it, and expect you to wait 3+ weeks before they ship it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it all right to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Washing and Storing Fine China Be sure to hand wash your nice fine china to keep each piece nice as long as possible. Put paper plates between plates when stacking them to prevent chipping and scratches. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cleaning Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html Fill your dish with water first. That way, if you drop a piece, it will not klunk down to the bottom of the sink or onto other pieces, but land gently in the water. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Man:Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl; she's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father! Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Art & History, New England Style
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Wireless mouse problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 19, 2008

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. --- Vince Lombardi So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. --- George Lucas
Thanks to Dianne for this story: Fred was well known for his cheapness and his "eye for a bargain." One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had been broken in the mail. A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered." "What terrible luck!" said Fred. "The Post Office is getting worse all the time!" "It is a shame," she replied, "and it was so beautifully wrapped too...each piece separately."
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From Jersey Devil: ------------------------- HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY Please pass this on this holiday season. When mailing your Christmas cards this year, take one card and send it to this address. If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of how many cards these wonderful special people who have sacrificed so much would get. When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the following: A Recovering American Soldier c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center 6900 Georgia Avenue,NW Washington,D.C. 20307-5001 ------------------------- Jersey Devil Please keep in mind that these recovering wounded soldiers are not politicians promising the impossible to con you into voting for them. These people have risked their lives on your behalf, and are suffering the cost of doing that. If you have more cards, than people who deserve them, send them to the soldiers! The do deserve them! DearWebby
Thanks to Joan for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Justin Luecke, 28, in Sheboygan, Wis Too dopey to call police Man reports burglary, busted for drugs SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., say a man reported a burglary only to be arrested when officers found drugs and paraphernalia at his home. Investigators said officers responding to a burglary report filed by Justin Luecke, 28, spotted a marijuana pipe in Luecke's bedroom and marijuana stems and seeds in his living room, the Sheboygan Press reported Wednesday. Officers returned to Luecke's home later in the day with a search warrant and found marijuana, marijuana packaging, a scale and two varieties of unauthorized prescription pills, the arrest report said. Luecke, who told police the pipe belonged to a friend and denied any knowledge of the stems and seeds, was charged with felony marijuana possession and misdemeanor counts alleging possession of a controlled substance, an illegally obtained prescription and drug paraphernalia. He could face a maximum 26 months imprisonment if convicted on all charges.
Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.” “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.” “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: Wireless Mouse Dear Webby, I've been using a wireless mouse for a few years and love it. However, in the past few days the mouse has a mind of its own. It stalls mid page, is erratic and sometimes unresponsive. Of course I've replaced the batteries with more than one set (2AA) and I've reset the receiver / mouse a few times. Does the mouse die a natural death after a period of time? Is something else happening? If I have to get a new one please provide recommendation regarding new wireless mouse. Thanks Frank Der Frank If the mouse buttons are OK, then the wireless part is OK. Check the glider feet of the mouse. Chances are that they have accumulated some dirt. You can usually scrape the worst of it off, and then polish them by running the mouse roughly over some scrap paper. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. Little Jimmy interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Whipping Cream You can whip cream faster by chilling the bowl and beaters in the fridge before whipping. A few drops of lemon juice will help the cream stiffen. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sandie for this one: I was shopping for art supplies at my friend's craft store. As she was checking me out, my friend asked, "Have you gotten thinner?" Flattered, I replied, "Why, yes. I've been on this diet for a couple of weeks now and I've lost a few pounds." My friend rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Greenland
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to get rid of PopUps 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 18, 2008

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. --- Sir Francis Bacon
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. \ I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. .....What do you do for a living?" "...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Thanks to Ross for this picture: Going on a picnic ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Goldman, 45, London, Ebgland Nutty eacher giving bad example LONDON (UPI) -- A London teacher said she was detained for several hours at a city airport after she attempted to return to a plane for her daughter's toys. Emma Goldman, 45, said she "impulsively" tried to return to the plane to retrieve her daughter's toys moments after arriving at Gatwick Airport on a flight from Venice and ripped three security seals on doors between the terminal concourse and the jet, The Daily Mail reported. Goldman said she was swarmed by armed police. "I wasn't scared because I thought they'd realize it was just a misunderstanding, I tried to wave it off and apologize," she said. "But they took me downstairs and there was this van with a horrible cage inside. They opened the back doors and my heart started racing -- that's when I felt really scared." Goldman said she was held for several hours before questioning. She said police wanted to drop her case, but the Crown Prosecution Service insisted on pursing charges of criminal damage and entering a restricted zone of an airport without permission. She admitted to the charges and was given a conditional discharge and ordered to pay $40 to replace the plastic covers on the security alarms she tripped and $120 in fines. -------------------- It is surprising that they did not make a more drastic example of the nut. Anybody with the brains of a turnip knows that selaed and alarmed doors only report a breach, and make no exception if the intruder is a snooty idiot, who acts like she is above the law and the required security systems.
A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears out of nowhere."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re:AntiVirus Dear Webby, I have to tell you I downloaded Avast into my sons Computer and when I am using it, IT WORKS better than Norton or McAfee ever did, It is FREE and your recommendation from your Tool box. I was using the Computer and up popped a warning a Trojan was trying to enter. It notified me right in the middle of my screen it was automatically sent into the Avast Virus Chest. It works so well I am going to recommend it to everyone of your readers. Thank a million for your Free Tool box. I have downloaded so many programs from it and they ALL are great!!! Faithful reader and user for years, Jaye Dear Webby, For years I had a free Anti- Virus program. I can't get this anymore. What is the best Anti-Virus I can purchase? Also I'm getting a lot of pop-ups from other web sites, how can I stop this? Have a Good Day Shonda Dear Jaye Thanks for your recommendation! Dear Shonda The link to Avast is in my Toolbox. Just scroll down to the big red A. You can stop Pop-Ups in many different ways. The Google Tool-bar will stop Pop-Ups no matter what browser you use, and you can excempt certain sites, like your bank, so that their calculator still pops up OK. Many browsers nowadays also an option to block Pop-Ups. Have FUN! DearWebby

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Laundry Detergent You can save money by only using what you need. For example, if you are washing clothing that is not very soiled, you can usually get by using half as much laundry detergent as the manufacturer recommends. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!” “Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all just easy shore duty, huh?”
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nano Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Quarantined 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 17, 2008

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? --- Jean Kerr The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. --- George F. Will
On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Barb for this report: My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like a big yellow school bus."
Monday already ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sainsbury's in Haverhill, Suffolk, England Book on sex positions given to primary pupils Children on a primary school trip to Sainsbury's were given a book containing pictures of sex positions as a going home gift. The book, How To Change The World For A Fiver, was mistakenly given to pupils, aged eight and nine, during a visit to the supermarket in Haverhill, Suffolk. The 42 children, from Burton End primary, were surprised to read advice such as - have a bath with a friend to "Save water. Have fun. Just get out before everything becomes wrinkled." Other inappropriate suggestions in the £5 book include encouraging readers to shave in intimate places, streak, talk to strangers and hand out your phone number to five people on the street. The blunder came to light only when a father heard his daughter giggling with friends as they flicked through the pages, reports the Daily Mail. Engineer Andrew Dodd, 37, whose daughter Laura is eight, said: "I was furious. It was extremely inappropriate and irresponsible to give to children. "The teachers were as horrified as we were when they eventually saw it. Laura thought it was funny but thankfully she didn't really understand it." A Sainsbury's spokesman admitted: "This was a well-intentioned mistake. It is a very nice book about how to make the world a better place but it is not targeted at children. "The cover looks like a kid's book. This was a mix-up and we would like to apologise for any distress caused. It certainly won't happen again."
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game in the entire year."
From the Tech Support Pits: Kitty, my email reply to you yetserday bounced back at me. It might be best for you to get Gmail. From: Rita Re:Quarantined Dear Webby, I did a scan on my computer today because it was running slow and other things showing up.It showed after the scan I have a virus called Troj/BHO-HG…I did a quarantine on it but I don't think it removed it…I have never heard of this before and was wondering if you would tell me how to get rid of it..It is on my laptop. Have a wonderful weekend. Rita T. Dear Rita Good anti-virus programs stop that trojan virus before it enters the computer, however, you may have deliberately download it, and clicked on some field to show you agreed with the terms in their small print. In cases like that, only the biggest Anti-Virus companies can afford getting sued by the company that distributes the Trojan. The name of that virus is apparently a nickname given to it by the maker of your anti-virus program, and not the name that the big ones gave it. That is why you won't find any useful information about it on the web. What do you use for Anti-Virus? Have FUN! DearWebby

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely u nacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite or on any of your papers, tests or homework. Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter. The first one is 'gross' and the other one is 'cool.' Are there any questions?" A student says, "So, what are they?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com DVD Subscription Services - Use It Or Lose It Movie subscription services like Netflix can be a great deal, but only if you use them. Keep track of how many movies you receive from them each month and divide that by the monthly service fee. Makes sure you are actually getting a good deal. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _4456.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why married women love Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life Iz A Beech
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: SP3 Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 16, 2008

Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.'" --- Dave Barry One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity. --- Andrew Carnegie
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Eva: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men. Cindy: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men. Eva: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Bob Friday night's shuttle launch
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a robber in Aurora, Indiana Robber leaves money behind AURORA, Ind. (UPI) -- Police say they are looking for a man who held up a Swifty gas station in Aurora, Ind., only to forget to take the money with him. Police said the man robbed the store early Monday, tied up the female clerk and then ran out the door with a carton of cigarettes. After he realized he forgot the bag of money he tried to go back inside the store but couldn't -- because the door was equipped with an electrical lock.
Alternative Medical Terms ------------------------- Benign................What you be after you be eight. Artery................The study of paintings. Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria. Barium................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome. Cat scan...............Searching for kitty. Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her. Colic.................A sheep dog. Coma..................A punctuation mark. D & C.................Where Washington is. Dilate................To live long. Enema.................Not a friend. Fester................Quicker than someone else. Fibula................A small lie. Genital...............Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on. Impotent..............Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates. Node..................Was aware of Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test. Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery. Rectum................Darn near killed him. Secretion.............Hiding something. Seizure...............Roman emperor. Tablet................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station Tumor.................More than one. Urine.................Opposite of you're out. Varicose..............Near by/close by. Vein..................Conceited.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kitty Re:SP3 Blocker Dear Webby, Again how do I block the sp3 thing? I'm still having trouble with my e-mail. With outlook express. One of these days it will get straighten out I hope. Kitty Dear Kitty The SP3 Blocker is in my tool box at http://webby.com/tools From what I hear, trouble with Outluck Express is normal. For help with specific Outluck Express problems, write to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com Have FUN! DearWebby

In search of a midnight snack, a yuppie couldn't find anything but a dog biscuit. He bit into it tentatively, liked it, and the next morning asked his wife to put in a large supply. The local grocer observed. "You don't need so many biscuits for a dog as small as yours." "They're for my busband." "These biscuits are strictly for dogs," grumbled the grocer. "They'll kill your husband!" Six months later, the wife admitted her husband was dead. "I told you those biscuits would kill him," the grocer reminded her. "It wasn't the biscuits," said the woman. "He was killed chasing cars."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy Two, Take One Back When I need to buy something I need for a home improvement project, I often buy two, even though I should only need one. If there is a problem installing a toilet seal or a blade breaks, I don't have to run to the store in the middle of my project to replace it. As long as they are unopened and in their original packages, the hardware store will take them back. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service. After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. "Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested. Immediately, eleven single ladies, nine widows, two widowers, and one single man stepped to the front.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Setting the Home Page in IE 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 15, 2008

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. --- Gustave Flaubert
A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. Don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy kicked out in Buffalo!"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei. At a luncheon, he was asked to say a few words. Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter, sentence by sentence. "I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today." A look of panicked confusion appeared on the interpreter's face. "This poor man," he said in Chinese, "Scratches himself until he dies, only to be with you today."
Not NOW!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Minnesota deer hunters Minnesota deer hunters have a hot time BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- Things took an unexpected turn for one northern Minnesota deer-hunting party this weekend when their deer stand caught fire, authorities said. The Brainerd Fire Department said things started out fine for the hunters when one of them bagged a deer Sunday afternoon. But it turned bad when the hunters descended from their stand to gut the animal, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Monday. The hunters left their guns in the stand but apparently accidentally knocked over the stand's portable heater. Not only did the stand catch fire and fall to the ground but a box of ammunition started exploding, the report said. Brainerd firefighters had to hoof it into the woods with water-pump cans to put out the flames. No humans were hurt in the incident.
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda Re:Home Page Dear Webby, First I would like to thank you for all your internet help. I have ask you several times about problems and you always have an answer. Well today it is about my internet explorer home page. I have for some time not been able to get it back. When I open the browser I get a page with advertisement about the new explorer beta 8 and of course how to down load explorer 7. Is there any way I can just get the home page back again. I have tried several different things. Also sp3 has been downloaded on my computer, it has not seemed to cause any problems; but when i deleted it, I lost alot of stuff. So I redownloaded it. Any advice on that subject? Brenda Dear Brenda You can set any page you want as your HOME page, even the Humor letter, at http://webby.com/humor or the Currency converter: http://www.xe.com/ucc/ or cookie recipes: http://www.cooks.com/rec/ch/cookies.html or whatever you want. Just click on TOOLS, Internet Options and set your Home Page. Then you can use Spybot-Search&Destroy to lock that, so that Microssoft can't change it on you behind your back. Re SP3: That is unpredictable. It works OK on some computers, but usually causes some problems on almost all computers. I block it, and have no problems related to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Color Coordinated Children Have each child pick their favorite color and they have their own bath towels and wash cloths, clothes baskets and their own clothing hangers. So when Mom's not at home, they can find their own laundry to take to their rooms to put up or to shower with. Visit ThriftyFun For More Organizing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Israeli Army major was used to word-wars with the hot-shot Israeli Air Force fliers about crazy Army Tzanhanim (Paratroopers) jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer said during an exercise, "because they pay you Air Force schmucks four times as much to stay in one, as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," the Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is too dumb to kvetch* about the salary."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vivid Colors
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Why is MailWasher slowing down? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 14, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --- Bert Leston Taylor, I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. --- Beryl Pfizer
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." His son yells, "Dad, what are you talking about?" "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars." "Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Luca Rossi, 36, in Salerno, Italy Man granted divorce for mother-in-law's nagging A hen-pecked husband has been granted a divorce in Italy because his mother-in-law keeps nagging him. Shopkeeper Luca Rossi, 36, told the court in Salerno that his wife's mother didn't leave him alone throughout four months of marriage. "I'd never believed stories and jokes about mothers-in-law but my marriage was hell and it was all her fault," he said after the hearing. "It was hell right from the moment we said 'I do' at our wedding until the moment we split, just because my mother-in-law interfered in every single thing in our lives. "It was impossible. It led to one argument after another and there was no way a marriage could survive after that." Rossi said he would consider marriage again - but only if he did not have to deal with a mother-in-law. "Next time I'm hoping to find a girl who's an orphan," he added.
A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for his class. He takes out a silver dollar. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," one student calls out. "No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it did, a cheapskate like you wouldn't drop it in!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Denise Re:MailWasher slowing down Dear Webby, I noticed that my MailWasher is getting slower all the time. You wrote something about that at one time, but I didn't have Mailwasher in those days and didn't pay attention. Can you please tell me again? Denise Dear Denise There are three possible causes. 1) You may have a lot of good filters that auto-dump spam unseen. While MailWasher does that out of sight, it still takes time to do it. 2) You may be using the BlackList, and not aging it off. Blacklists and Bouncing have outlived their usefulness. Nowadays spammers never use the same sending address twice, unless they forge your address as the sender. Therefore, there is no point in setting up to automatically add bad stuff to the Blacklist. You can also "age off" the BlackList in a day or two. If a spam sender's address is not repeated within that time frame, it gets dumped. 3) Long bounce list. The ONLY addresses in your bounce list should be certain in-laws and ex lovers. There is no point bouncing spam at faked addresses. That just takes time, and constipates the Internet, because YOUR bounce might bounce back at you. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a co-worker comes up. "Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks. "Sorry," the man says, "I can't." "Why not?" "The doctor tells me I can't play." "Well, we all know that," says the co-worker, "but you'll never get any better at it, if you don't practise!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Old Window Crafts Look for old windows with wood frames at yard sales. They can be made into rustic looking picture frames. Find pictures that are a little smaller than the window and use a matte, which can be found at any craft store, to give it a finished look. Multi-pane windows can be used to frame multiple pictures. Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The teacher asked to use the words "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. said, "The rabbit cut across the field and defeat went over defense before detail."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Creative Hijinx
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Filtering spam by IP number 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 13, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Beauty is only a light switch away. --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards. --- Houghton Library
Thanks to Sandie for this Classic: Little Johnny's at it again. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Bill for this I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "I sure did," Susan assured me. "I just fast-forwarded through the slow parts."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of a woodpecker.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Oliver and Angela Kohl, 24, and 23, of Hamm, Germany Sat nav strands honeymoon couple A newlywed couple ended up stuck half-way up a mountain when their sat-nav went wrong on their honeymoon. Oliver Kohl, 24, and bride Angela, 23, were heading to a luxury hotel in the remote village of Willingen, Germany, after their wedding in Hamm, near Dortmund. But they got lost as their sat-nav guided them along a bumpy, unpaved forest road toward a tall mountain. Oliver said: "At one point there was a gate I had to open, and then eventually the road became a muddy swamp and we got stuck fast." The pair tried for hours to get their car out before having to call cops who sent out a rescue team to get them off the side of the 2,755ft mountain. The pair were eventually taken to their honeymoon hotel. A police spokesman said: "It's a wedding night they will never forget."
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allard Re: Forged sender address Dear Webby, Is there a way to eliminate all spam that has an address supposedly from our ISP forged in as the sender? The phony addresses are anything from billing to support and just about any first name in the book, with our ISP's domain after the @. Hope you can figure a solution to that! Allard Dear Allard That is actually quite easy with Mailwasher. Assuming that your ISP's domain name, after the @, is ISP.com an that his IP number is 123.456.789.012, make a filter that specifies If the FROM contains ISP.com ENTIRE HEADER does not contain 123.456.789.012 then delete the mail automatically, unseen. That's all there is to it. Sometimes the most complicated problems have the simplest solution. Have FUN! DearWebby

This was forwarded to me as a true story: I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called "Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing. There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins County Beauty Pageant". K

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kitchen Time Saver - Squeeze Bottles Squeeze bottles can be great for condiments in your kitchen. If make your own salad dressing or buy it bulk, you can transfer the dressing to squeeze bottles for easy use. Squeeze bottles also work well for mayonnaise, jelly and many other condiments. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Personally, I prefer to use pumpers, like you get with some shampoos. You can easily operate them with an elbow, if both hands are full or neither of them is clean. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 85 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Rivers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Filter spam with same sender and recipient address 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 12, 2008

We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts. --- John Dewey When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, This is good! One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, This is good! To which the king replied, No, this is NOT good! and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. You were right, he said, it was good that my thumb was blown off. And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this. No, his friend replied, This is good! What do you mean,'This is good' How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year? If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, of Hagerstown, MD Fugitive arrested in prison parking lot HEMPFIELD, Pa. (UPI) -- Police said a man wanted on homicide and other charges in Maryland was arrested in the parking lot of a Hempfield, Pa., prison. Investigators said Kevin Valentino Franklin, 38, had driven some friends to Westmoreland County Prison to visit a prisoner Tuesday and remained in the car while they went inside, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Police said guards performed a background check on the man after they told him he could not remain in the parking lot and he refused to cooperate. Prison officials found Franklin had an outstanding warrant for his arrest regarding the Oct. 24 shooting death of Larry Boyce Jr., 36, in Hagerstown, Md. Franklin is being held at the Westmoreland County Prison pending an extradition hearing.
In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his butt barkin ever since."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Oliver Re: Spam with same sender and recipient address Dear Webby, How do I get rid of the nuisance MSN spam that forges my address as the sender address? I do occasionally send excerpts of mails to myself and so can't blacklist myself. I use Mailwasher to clean my mail. It works great but I can't figure out how to tell it when my address is forged. Oliver Dear Oliver The easiest way to do that is to put a code word into the Subject line, for example "ARQ08" Then make a filter that specifies that all mail that CONTAINS your address in the FROM field AND DOESN'T CONTAIN "ARQ08" in the SUBJECT is trashed, automatically, unseen. If you accidentally forget to add your secret code word, that's no big deal. Just re-send it WITH the code word. There is a fringe benefit to that method. Once you have received that mail, you can automatically filter it into, for example, the ARCHIVE-2008 box. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Use Small Sized Post-Its Small post-it-notes are more economical than larger sizes. I bought 2 packs for $1 at a dollar store. I now have 400 small post-its. This size is perfect for small reminders to myself and I am not wasting the larger ones or worse yet, having to cut them into strips because I don't want to waste them. Visit ThriftyFun For More Memory Tricks http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Me ... 9_691.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sweet young lady thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "Ninteen fifty six," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty-fourteen now."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: USPS
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Remembrance Day / Veterans Day 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 11, 2008
Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans Day in the US
Armistice Day in the UK

Pittance Of Time

Canada honors the veterans on the $10 bill
Veteran on $10


Thanks to Sandie for this story: When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed Send. His mother answered and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said. "You left your cell phone at the corner store."
A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
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Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dennis Cullen, 23, in Hellertown, Pennsylvania. Drunk Parking A US couple have been arrested after having sex in their car - in a disabled space outside a police station. The couple told officers they were unaware where they had parked, reports the Morning Call newspaper. They hadn't noticed several marked police cars in the other parking spaces nearby. They were outside the main police station in Hellertown, Pennsylvania, with the engine running in the early hours of the morning when a police officer tapped on the windscreen. Dennis Cullen, 23, and his female companion, who has not been named, told police they had been drinking at a university function earlier in the evening. After they looked at his companion, Cullen was charged with drunk driving. Neither he nor his companion were charged in connection with having sex in the car. Reminds me of this little video: Scottish DUI test
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tanya Re: Remembrance Day Services Dear Webby, Could you please tell me when the Remembrance Day Services start on Nov 11? Thanks, Tanya Dear Tanya Remembrance Day is observation starts on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, and starts with two minutes of silent remembrance. The same goes for Veterans Day. To alert shoppers and workers that it is time for the silent remembrance, many places play "Taps", "Pittance Of Time", or other appropriate music. Have FUN! DearWebby

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Smoke-free Items Online When buying clothing, stuffed animals or books on auction websites, make sure that the items have been in a smoke-free environment. If it's not stated in the auction description, be sure to ask the seller directly. Cigarette smoke odors can be difficult to remove, especially from stuffed toys and books. Visit ThriftyFun For More Internet Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_Int ... _5877.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Veterans of Foreigh Wars
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Misleading subject lines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 10, 2008

Tomorrow is Veterans Day
If you have any suitable jokes or pictures, please send them 
to me early in the day.


"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone" --- Bjarne Stronstrup
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?" "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?" Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."

Goadster, Buckethead, and Graahound were all locked away in the Armstrong Mental Institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform. The doctor motions to Goadster. "Jump." Without hesitation, Goadster leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Buckethead, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Buckethead flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Graahound, "Jump." Graahound shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Hound. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" Graahound says, "I can't swim."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Rosenberg, 18, Los Gatos, California Dopey teen causes expensive search SANTA CRUZ, Calif. (AP) -- A mother's frantic 911 plea for help finding her injured baby lost in the Santa Cruz Mountains led to an expensive search that ended with rescuers locating the youth stoned on drugs. Eighteen-year-old Matthew Rosenberg had used his cellular telephone Monday night to call his mom and tell her he tripped, broke his leg and was lost. But Cal Fire Capt. Bill Finch says the Los Gatos High School senior didn't break his leg, adding the teen had apparently used hallucinogenic mushrooms, possibly also LSD, and just "thought" his leg was broken. Finch says the teen "was really gorked" when rescuers found him standing at the bottom of a ravine. The cost of the search was estimated at up to $10,000. The teen's father Mark Rosenberg says the boy will be punished, adding "he probably won't get to use the car for a while."
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold onto your nuts, we're taking off".
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eleanore Re: Misleading subject lines Dear Webby, When I get mail advertising stuff, it often has misleading subject lines. Is that just an honest mistake, or a problem? Eleanore Dear Eleanore That is not a mistake at all, but sucker-bait on purpose. Just trash it. The rest of those mails is just as phony and you will never get your money's worth through them. The same goes for mails that have your address forged in as the sender address. Guaranteed Scam! Trash them. Have FUN! DearWebby

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children, "My son is a doctor, and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer, and they have three great kids. So tell me, Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Credit Reports Online You can get access your credit report from the three major credit reporting companies for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. Equifax, Experian and TransUnion are required by law to give you access to your credit report once a year for free. Be careful that you don't sign up for them watching your credit. It can cost 19.95 a month or more and is automatically deducted. Visit ThriftyFun For More Credit Rating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_453.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Mysterious shut-downs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 9, 2008

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. --- Evan Esar
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there are twenty one dollar bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Thanks to Wendy for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, of Rostraver, Pa. Drunk glider pilot gets curfew ROSTRAVER, Pa. (UPI) -- A Rostraver, Pa., man charged with drunkenly flying a motorized glider has been given a 10 p.m. curfew by a judge. West Newton District Judge Charles Christner ordered Jay Matthew Tokar, 46, to refrain from drugs and alcohol, undergo a mental health evaluation and be in his home by 10 p.m. every night after Tokar waived his right to a preliminary hearing on charges of reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported. Tokar is accused of flying his motorized glider as low as 10 feet over Willowbrook Golf Course Aug. 19 while shouting and spitting at golfers, police said. Witnesses also reported Tokar flying dangerously low over a field where children were playing soccer before he crashed his glider into cable lines at the golf course. Tokar was critically injured in the crash and a witness, James Troutman, was injured in his left leg. Police said Tokar was found to have a blood alcohol content of 0.151 percent -- well over the legal limit for intoxication, 0.08 percent -- and had taken benzodiazepines before the incident. Tokar was ordered to avoid all contact with the alleged victims.
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Mysterious shutdowns Dear Webby, my computer would not turn on October 29th and I had to try many times to finally get it on and then it would shut down on me. I called a tech (never had him before as we are in the country and I don't know who to ask.) He took all my disks and reloaded Windows etc. and lost so much of my things!!! Even now, I can type for a few minutes and then it shuts down on me. Does this sound like a problem I should call Dell about? (I have a laptop). Thank you and hope I get some help so I can stay online! I always trust you and wish you were here to help me! Carolyn Dear Carolyn That sounds like you got infected with SP3. Call DELL support. Don't deal with idiots who lose your stuff, except maybe to sue the dumb bastids. Anybody with the brains of a rutabega (very dense turnip) first backs up all docs, spreadsheets, pictures, recipes, mails, etc. onto CD or DVD, or onto the web, and THEN messes with in the drive. Before calling Dell, make a log of all that happened with the machine. Also, use the Belarc Advisor from my tool box and print out a complete inventory of your machine. It does that for both hardware and software. Read that inventory a few times and highlight chapter headings, so that you can find them fast, if needed, while on the phone with Dell. Dell's support techs usually speak fairly good English and they seem to know their stuff. Make sure that your phone is fully charged! They seem to be getting paid by the minute they spend with you, and like stretching things out. So, use a land line, not a cell phone, and if possible, a head-set. Have FUN! DearWebby

New drugs for women: Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait 'til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preparing to Paint Remove molding, outlet covers, and light fixtures so that they don't get paint on them. Anything that you can't remove, cover with plastic or masking tape. Your reward will be a much more attractive and professional looking paint job. Visit ThriftyFun For More Painting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_611.html Items that are difficult to mask, like for example ornate door hinges, can be protected by painting them with melted butter first. Unlike vaseline and other paint resitors, it does not mix with the paint, and is usually easily available. When the paint is dry, you can sponge it off with hot dishwater. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critter Caring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, what does a registry fixer do? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 8, 2008

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel Money is the most envied, but the least enjoyed. Health is the most enjoyed, but the least envied. --- Charles Caleb Colton
Thanks to Roland for this story: Case Closed Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them, said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Here is a cute classic that brings a smile every time: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."
Thanks to Ann for her ocean sunset picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Too dumb to drive Train shuts toilets to avoid stopping GAVLE, Sweden (UPI) -- A train conductor in Sweden said he was forced to shut down the toilets because too much flushing could stop the train. The toilets on the run between Borlange and Gavle were shut off Sunday because of a high number of passengers and, therefore, the potential for a high number of flushings, the Arbetarbladet newspaper reported. The compressor that triggers the train's emergency brake is connected to systems that control the toilets, said Mats Gustavsson, a technician with the Bergslagen train line, the Swedish news agency tt reported. If the pressure drops below a certain level, the emergency brakes trigger automatically, Gustavsson said, noting it literally is possible to "flush on the emergency brake." Engineer Hans Kaplan, one of the passengers inconvenienced by the shutdown, called the situation "completely nuts. There has to be a mistake in the construction," he said. ------------ In case you are not familiar with how brakes on trains work: They are applied by very powerful springs, and held off by air pressure, just like on trucks and buses. To activate them, air pressure is allowed to drop by bleeding it off. However, normally the utility air and the brake air is in different lines, each with it's own reservoir tanks, with valves ensuring that one system does not affect the other. I would imagine somebody is going to get severely yelled at for making unsafe shortcuts!
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? " The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: What is a Registry fixer ? Dear Webby, Would you be so kind as to tell me what the Registry Booster will do for me, and explain it in layman terms: Roland Dear Roland The registry records where programs are located, which program to use for what type of file, and so on. Basically a Grannie's cheat sheet. "Christmas wreaths are in hubby's closet, top shelf. Need stepladder to get them down." Because of the way Windows was built, obsolete entries are not always cleaned out. That entry about the Christmas wreaths from 7 years ago might still be there, even though Grannie switched to electric Christmas lights 6 years ago. It might say further down, that the lights are in the garage. But first Grannie gets sent to haul the stepladder to hubby's closet, where she remembers that she sold the wreaths on eBay six years ago. Naturally, that kind of clutter slows things down. A good registry fixer like Registry Booster backs up the registry, sorts out the clutter and dumps anything that is obsolete. On a machine that is a year old or older, that makes quite a noticeable difference in speed. It also reduces hang-ups and crashes, because Windows doesn't get lost in the wrong closets any more. It's not a "Buy this or die!" situation. If you are never in a hurry, you can putter along without a registry fixer for many years, and just gradually get used to the ol klunker getting slower every year. Personally, I like fast machines, and I need reliable machines, so I use the Registry Booster When I pay X amount of dollars for a certain speed, I demand that the machine runs at that speed even after 3-4 years. Have FUN! DearWebby

A guy found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Return Policies Before purchasing something, check their return policies. Most stores have restocking fees for opened items and some items like software cannot be returned if opened. Also, some stores only accept returns of certain types of items, like electronics, for anywhere from 7 to 30 days after purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _6425.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

*Toddler Diet* Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most 2-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mid Air
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Registry Fixer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  November 7, 2008
Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. --- Napoleon Bonaparte An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. --- G. K. Chesterton
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift." "No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator." "Well, over here, we call them lifts." "Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the English language."
Thanks to Jai for this picture of her Bradford pear tree:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, in Bialystok, Poland Too dumb to drive A Polish motorist lost his licence after he drove to a police station to ask officers if he was too drunk to drive. Dariusz Mazowiecki, 33, was breathalysed, arrested and charged following the incident in Bialystok in north east Poland. A police spokesman said: "He had been out drinking with friends and at the end of the night wasn't sure if he was over the limit or not and wanted to find a policeman to ask. "Unfortunately he decided the nearest station was too far for him to walk and so he drove there. "Officers did a breath test and found he was over the drunk drive limit. He was arrested and was stripped of his licence."
Thanks to Darlene for this Classic: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: Registry fixer Dear Webby, today I went looking thru your Tools page to find a good registry cleaner because I trust your recommendations wholeheartedly and have always been pleased with your advice. However, I was unable to find a tool for cleaning the registry.(Maybe I overlooked it, I'm OLD ya know!LOL) I have Registry Defender right now...trouble is they will only fix 20 at a time and according to them I have about a thousand that need fixing. Can you recommend a good one? Even if it's not free that's ok. I'm really worried that this problem could do some damage to my pc. Thanks in advance, Patti Dear Patti The ONLY registry fixer that I can recommend wholeheartedly is Registry Booster It doesn't show fake "errors", but fixes all real ones without any fuss. I finally put the link into my tool box now. Thanks for reminding me! Have FUN! DearWebby

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Oatmeal Face Scrub Make a paste with oatmeal and water and apply it liberally to your face. Let the paste dry completely and then rub it off with your fingers. As you remove the oatmeal you will also remove any dead skin. Lastly, rinse your face with warm water. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Recipes Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Soldier Memorial Project
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internal Server Error 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  November 6, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Nothing you can't spell will ever work. --- Will Rogers The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. --- Havelock Ellis
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up." Nobody stood up. "Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up." One demure little woman stood up. "Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed. "I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
Thanks to Vicky for this story: A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely lady. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because the neighbor has a pair like that. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once, because the color reminded you of somebody in highschool. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Boulder, Colorado Sniveling Ninnies Streakers cited in 'Naked Pumpkin Run' BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- Police say the ticket tally from this year's "Naked Pumpkin Run" through Boulder, Colo., reached an even dozen. The (Boulder) Daily Camera said police turned up the pressure on the annual Halloween event in which streakers sprint down Pearl Street wearing nothing but Jack-o-Lanterns on their heads. The newspaper said participants have rarely been cited in the event's 10-year history, but Police Chief Mark Beckner said its growing popularity was raising concerns. "We wanted to do something before (the event) got out of hand," he said. "This was a good opportunity to enforce the law." The chief told KMGH-TV in Denver the fact that Halloween fell on a Friday this year was cause for concern. Residents told the Daily Camera they felt police resources would have been better spent on real criminal activity. --------------- It won't become a tourist attraction unless there are at least 100 Pumpkin runners.
Thanks to Ella for this story: While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring. "I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked. "Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the dog!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jan Re: Internal Server Error Dear Webby: I really enjoy your site.It is the first one I open every day. I have a question I hope you can answer for me.I am not very good at solving computer problems or if I am the cause of them in the first place.Lately my computer says I have a internal error. Sites file is missing or corrupted.To correct this error import a new site file.I have no clue as how to do this.Can you help me out. Thanks Jan Dear Jan "Internal Server Error" is a problem on the site you are visiting. For example, if you are sending a postcard, and you copy the recipient's address from an email, but accidentally also copy a blank space before or after it, you will get an Internal Server Error, because the postcard site can't deal with a wonky address. "Sites file is missing or corrupted" is a typical error message from Lavasoft's AdAware program, after it had gotten damaged by a virus, trojan or spyware. Other programs might possibly use the same error message, but AdAware is the most typical. If you have that program, contact their support for a new sites file. Have FUN! DearWebby

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Ice Off Your Windshield Use an old set of car floor mats to cover your car's windshield in the evening and you won't have any ice to scrape in the morning. Carpet remnants also work. Visit ThriftyFun For More Winter Driving Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Winter%2 ... 6_157.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The other day I saw this story about chickens in a magazine. Did you know they have yellow eyes? True. And now some clever person has come up with an idea to fit the chickens with red contact lenses. I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the guy who came up with the idea said it makes them eat less, lay more, and stop hen pecking so much. Of course, once word of this gets around, rose colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift from husbands to wives.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Idle Fingers Time
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Flexible keyboard 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  November 5, 2008

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity. --- Tom Stoppard Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. --- Tallulah Bankhead
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from the Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes?" "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class, the little girl was quite indignant. "No mommy, I don't," she replied, "because he's only interested in one thing." Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be. "Pokemon cards, of course," said the toddler.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Conrad Torres, 51 of Bakersfield, California near suicidal bravery When two 17-year-old girls hopped into his truck and tried to drive off Monday night, Conrad Torres, 51, jumped in the bed, thinking he could stop them. They took off, reaching 85 miles per hour with Torres in the back. He managed to break the rear window and stick his head in the cab, but one girl hit him in the head with a baseball bat. They started swerving the truck, trying to throw him out. “I was just praying that nobody would hit us,” Torres said. A California Highway Patrol officer pursued them. Eventually, the girls took a turn badly, hit a telephone pole and rolled the truck at East Belle Terrace and Madison Street. Torres was thrown out of the back and hit his back on the pole. The girls were arrested on suspicion of carjacking, kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon and car theft, Officer Greg Williams said. The girls were identified as Lizet Cuellar and Rosanna Contreras of Bakersfield, the Kern County Probation Department said. They are in Juvenile Hall pending a review of the case by the District Attorney’s office, a probation officer said. It began at 10:15 p.m. at P Street and Ming Avenue where Torres backed his Ford F250 pickup out of a work site, Williams said. He left the truck running as he went to close a gate. The girls jumped in and locked the doors, Williams said. Torres climbed into the bed and began to pound on the back window. As the truck was going north on P Street, a CHP cruiser spotted the commotion. The officer saw Torres banging on the back window and one of the girls hitting him with a club. The officer backed off the chase because it got too dangerous, and a short time later the truck overturned, Williams said. “Even when you’re right there, it’s not a good idea to leave a vehicle running,” Williams said.
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Flexible Keyboard Dear Webby I travel extensively with a laptop/portable and HATE the keyboards. Also a lot of the stuff I do is in "difficult" environments in one way or the other. They plug in via USB, very simple. I have found the flexible keyboards (available all over now) to be just wonderful. They roll up to a wee package for shipping, handle any surface without sliding around, and the occasional spill (eg turbulence on flight) doesn't affect at all. I have had a wee bit of problem with other people thinking they need the thing more than me, but since I changed to bright pink colour this problem has gone away! What I would like to know, if you or readers can help: is there an equivalent "rubber" mouse/touchpad, as the touchpad on portable not my favourite either! Regards, Robert BC Dear Robert My fix for the moronic touch pad is to cut a piece of plastic from a flat bottle to precisely fit into the touchpad slot.. On the once every 7 year occasion, when I don't want to unpack the keyboard and mouse, I pull the plastic out. For regular usage, I use the same optical 5 button Intellimouse Explorer as on the desktop. It works fine on hotel beds, truck tail gates, just about anything except mirrors. I use the cheap corded type, not the heavy wireless type, that requires you to also carry the transmitter for it. If you don't do fine graphics, you can use a track-ball. They make some really small ones too, and some people claim they like them. The main advantage of the track-balls is in cramped aircraft seats. While my mouse works fine on my hairy legs, that takes the hand too far away from the keyboard. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Rick for this classic: *Possessed Computer?* For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing "Permanent" Creases from Clothing White vinegar can be effective for removing permanent creases on types of clothing like washable slacks and jeans. Apply white vinegar liberally to the crease and then press with a warm iron. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rainbows Fall
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Keyboard for laptop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  November 4, 2008

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. --- Hubert H. Humphrey God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ---Voltaire
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principle says, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Cause she is sitting in the classroom smelling my fart, while she put me outside in this beautiful, clean air and sunshine."
A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheena McMillan in Plymouth, England Nurse's 'naughty knickers' were on eBay, with her hospital address LONDON (UPI) -- A British nurse who used her hospital e-mail address to sell her underwear on eBay could be barred from hospital premises, officials said. Sheena McMillan's side business came to the attention of authorities at Derriford Hospital in Plymouth when an automatic alert system picked up an e-mail headlined "Naughty Knicks," The Sun reported. That was a reference to the British term for panties, knickers. The business was clearly catering to sexual fetishists, since McMillan offered clean underwear for 20 pounds ($32) and dirty underwear for 23 pounds ($37). The Nursing and Midwifery Council heard testimony Tuesday on McMillan's business. Sarah Page, speaking for the council, said that the messages were clearly inappropriate and that eBay bidders would have realized that the knickers were being sold by a registered nurse. The council referred the case to its health committee. McMillan, who was not at the hearing, argues that whatever she did has nothing to do with her ability to carry out her duties as a staff nurse. ------------------------------------- McMillan seems to fail to realize that using the employer's email system on company time for private business is not allowed anywhere, and it would not have made a difference if she had been selling bibles.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Keyboard for laptop Dear Webby Laptop keyboards don't seem to last around here, and aside from being slow and hurting my wrists, they break down and keys on them die. What solution have you got? Thanks Irene Dear Irene I sympathise with you! Laptop keyboards don't seem to be made for Western grown-ups typing at full speed. Keyboard technology has deteriorated over the years. Just like visiting the moon is a lost technology, so are the 160 word per minute electric typewriter keyboards of the 60's and 70's. The declne started when IBM moved the function keys from the left, where God intended them to be, up to the top. From there on it's all been downhill. The best you can do nowadays is get a fast 17" commercial grade keyboard. At 17" it will fit into an 18" carry-on or most decent laptop cases. I have carried one along since 1995. When sopmebody snickers, I have the last laugh. It's MY wrists and fingers that applaud. Commercial grade keyboards are surrisingly cheap. I use the $10 keyboards from Dalco.com They have the standard inverted T formation for the arrow keys, Insert, delete, Home and End are where you expect them. To make them perfect I pry off the CAPS LOCK, (and glue it onto somebody's fax machine), and I glue the eraser rubber from a pencil onto the MUTE button. That way I can just whack the general area to shut off the noise from pages that try to shove unwanted sound effects at me. Have FUN! DearWebby

Keli from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees that Keli is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." After some deliberation, Keli said: "I think I prefer males".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0811101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spend Less for Convenience If you find you eat fast food regularly because you don't have time to cook, try to find some packaged convenience dinners that you like and keep them stocked in the freezer. The quality of convenience dinners has improved, tend to cost half what a meal at a fast food restaurant and can be even cheaper if you use a coupon or buy on sale. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there. "So I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for only one or two beats, then answered in his kindliest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wunder Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is it safe to dump MSN? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  November 3, 2008

Children are all foreigners. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming. --- Don Delillo
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aide. It cost me $4,000, but it's state of the art." "Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve-thirty."
Alien tourists
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jakob Kauder, Germany Luxury yacht goes for $32 after auction gaffe A yachtsman has been forced to hand over his luxury boat - after selling it on an internet auction website for less than £20. The all-at-sea sailor hoped to get up to $16,000 for the 20ft yacht but forgot to set a minimum price. But after trying to cancel the sale on the AllesAuktion.de website Jakob Kauder was taken to court by the winning bidder in Cologne, Germany. Judges ruled that the auction was legal and Kauder had to complete the sale. Court spokesman Hubertus Nolte said: "The standard laws of business transactions also apply to internet auctions."
Two hunters in 'Bama were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" The other added "Yeah, but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Louis Re: Can I dump MSN? Dear Webby Webby, you've probably heard that MSN is deleting groupsites and allowing an unknown "Multiply" to take over...any ideas or suggestions? Can I drop Microsoft all together and stay with google? Will I still need Internet Explorer to open my computer? You've always kept me informed, please, do it again and thanks for your website. Louis Dear Louis There is absolutely no need for MSN. You can use gmail and you can do your personal and business chat on Skype. Internet Explorer is just a browser. It doesn't open the computer. If you are down by the bayou, where they don't have DSL or cable, and need a program to tell the computer, that it's time to dial up, ANY Internet program will do that. ANY browser, like FireFox, Google Chrome, Opera, etc. will do that just fine. Of course, Internet Explorer will do that too. You can set the browser home page to whatever you want. It does NOT have to be MSN. You can, for example, set the Home page on Google Chrome to Google and customize it for weather, stock market, currency exchange, and financial markets. Then beside that, you can use FireFox and make the FireFox HOME the Humor Letter. And in Opera, you can make AccuRadio Country Channel the HOME. That way, when you hit the Opera icon, the Internet radio starts. Those are just examples. You can set the HOME page in any browser to whatever you fell like, whether it is a religious site or a fun site. Have FUN! DearWebby

This beautiful young babe walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, whatever, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Covered coat hangers Cut or rip old sheets or clothing. that does not have any color that might bleed, into narrow strips. Glue three of them onto the hook stem and let the glue dry. Then braid the three ribbons over the wire. Shorter ribbons will speed up the braiding tremendously. You can always sew or speed-sew on the next length. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wicked Willie's Chain Letter This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping, REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 B. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jefferson Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Jeff Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. J. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 W. Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 William J Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willem Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Wilhelm Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Billy Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Willie Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Will Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Hillary Clinton >780 3rd Ave New York, NY 10017 Mr. Willie Clinton _____________________________________ Yeah, I know it's an old hoax and just like all chain letters, does not work. Yes, ALL chain letters. Subscriber Eric asked me to write another rant about chain letters. Worst are the tear jerker chain letters, promising that for every forward, somebody would donate a penny to some wacky cause. The truth is that absolutely NOBODY will donate a dry fart to the fictitious cause mentioned in that chain letter. Those chain letters are simply attempts by a few crooks to find the most gullible goofs on the net. If somebody is so gullible that they think forwarding an email will help a dying girl in Hogwashistan, then they are probably gullible enough to buy new and improved snake-oil from spam. That's right. If you forward chain letters, you get added to spam lists. After all, you HAVE proved that you are gullible. Here is a chainletter page I put up in 1994: THE FERTILIZER CLUB Feel free to print it for the company bulletin board! Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tiger Sprout's Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Google tool bar for ME 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  November 2, 2008

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. --- Doug Larson In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. --- Mogens Jallberg
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these." tossing him a pile of shirts. The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts , leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him. The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?" "Yes, I am." "Why do you ask ?" "Well son, who do you think washed those shirts?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Whaaat? Not now, I'm busy!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Swansea, England council Auto-responder ends up on road sign When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed. So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Google Tool Bar for ME Dear Webby I have google for my homepage and had the google tool bar. I really liked it as it has so many nice features. All of a sudden the tool bar is gone and I cannot re-install it. I have Windows ME. It tells me I need explorer 7 , but cannot download that because of ME. Is there any way I can get the tool bar back? Rose Dear Rose I don't use IE7, actually I am quite fanatic about blocking it. You can download the Google Tool Bar for ME from here: Google Tool Bar for ME You might also try installing FireFox. It will probably work better for you than IE. Have FUN! DearWebby

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Candy recycling! Save your M and M tubes to make recycled art. My son won a contest at the library for his aluminum ant friend he created. We used silver spray paint and some pipe cleaners and paper clips for wings. These tubes have many uses. My son carries one in his lunch box to hold his change for milk etc. They are great for beads too. You can always refill them with M and M's! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dining IN
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Back Web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  November 1, 2008

Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." --- Victor Frankl
Thanks to Roland for this story: The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Thanks to Lillemor for this announcement: Fellow Business Owners As a Business owner who employs 70 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next President, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, I figure that the customers will have to suffer an increase in my fees to them of about 8%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me, as I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did. I strolled through the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars, and took careful note of them. These folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. Lillemor

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 26 year old Frenchman Arm stuck in toilet delays train A Frenchman caused a two-hour train delay when he got his arm stuck down a toilet while trying to retrieve his mobile phone. The man had to be cut free after putting his arm down the toilet in a bid to get back his dropped phone, reports the Daily Telegraph. The 26-year-old passenger's arm became trapped up to the shoulder by the powerful suction flushing system on board the high-speed TGV train from Paris to La Rochelle. Firefighters took more than an hour to free the man, before lifting him from the train on a stretcher with the entire toilet still stuck to his arm. A fire spokesman said: "He was cut free from the toilet on the platform and apart from suffering bruising and smelling a bit, he suffered no other injuries."
Earl says he used to yearn for a pretty woman..... now the "Y" is silent"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: BackWeb Dear Webby for some reason I am getting a Windows Security Alert that it is blocking "Back Web-7288971" Any idea what that is and if I should allow it? Thanks as always.... Happy Halloweeen..... Ann Dear Ann The REAL Back Web-7288971 is the update checker for Kodak Easyshare. That one is OK. However, there are also some trojans using that name. The easiest way to make sure you got a genuine Back Web-7288971, apparently seems to be to un-install Kodak programs and re-installing them. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Working With Glitter If you are working with glitter or other small material for crafts, be sure to put down a piece of newspaper before you start working. Then when you are done, you can form the newspaper into a funnel and pour the extra back into the glitter container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There is a new study out about women. thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass is too big. 10% of women think their ass is too little. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cat Chat
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: BackUp Service 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween!

Today is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. --- Franklin P. Jones There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness. --- Franz Kafka
Here is an old classic: Trick or Treating By Astrological Sign Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters. Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If I decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tony Van, 37, in San Francisco Sent in by Cookie Calif. man drives stolen SUV to court October 29, 2008 Tony Van, a 37-year-old hairstylist from San Francisco, was out on bail Friday afternoon as jurors weighed his fate in San Rafael. He had been charged with possessing a San Anselmo resident's cherry-red, 2008 Porsche Carrera worth $125,000. In the courthouse parking lot at the Marin County Civic Center, prosecutors said, a parallel drama unfolded when 7 puppies in a 2005 Lexus SUV apparently grew tired of baking in the sun and escaped out a window. Police were attracted to the SUV after bystanders noticed several pups mulling around it. After county employees scooped up the Yorkshire Terrier-Maltese hybrids, sheriff's deputies ran the license plate and found that the Lexus had been stolen in San Francisco. The man was also charged with animal cruelty and leaving animals in an unattended vehicle. The escaped dogs, and a few newborns still in the SUV, were OK and were taken to a Humane Society shelter. It's unclear whose dogs they are, but they do not belong to the SUV owner Van also had a laptop computer that had been swiped in a San Francisco auto burglary, Mievis said. Meanwhile, he was convicted in the other case. He was charged with possession of a $125,000 Porsche Carrera that had been stolen from a San Anselmo home, and his bail was raised from $10,000 to $250,000.
From Anna I asked God for water, He gave me an ocean. I asked God for a flower, He gave me a garden. I asked God for a friend, He gave me YOU All! Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour???
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erno Re: Back-Up Service Dear Webby We have about 6 GB that I want backed up once a month. A consultant told us that they could do it for $500 a year, but we would need a high speed Internet connection. Out here that is currently not an option. What do you recommend? Erno Dear Erno Get yourself a couple of cheap 80 GB hard drives, like for about $50 - $60 each, and a shirt pocket USB hard drive enclosure for about $10 and a rubber band. You can take the tiny screws out of the drive enclosure, and just use the rubber band to hold it together. Then you stick one of the drives into the enclosure, plug it into a USB port, and your computer will see it as another hard drive. Make 12 folders on it, and name them after the months of the year. Now you simply drag the stuff that is to be backed up into the folder of the current month. You can even write a DOS bat to do that, and make a cute icon for it. Then your grand-daughter can do the back-ups for you. Next morning you stick that drive into your shirt pocket, drop it off at your safety deposit box and pick up the other one for a mid-month back-up. Any alternate safe place, like a locked small ammo box behind the dog house, will work just as well. If the box is 3" x 4" x 1/2 inch thick, it's big enough. A kayaker's stainless steel shirt pocket cigarette case will work fine too. You will wind up with twelve month-end back-ups on one drive and twelve mid-month back-ups on the other. Have FUN! DearWebby

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf -- golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Halloween Safety Keep visibility in mind when buying or making costumes. Bright fabrics are best. Decorate costumes with reflective tape (available in hardware, bicycle, and sporting goods stores) that will glow in the beam of a car's headlights. Bags or sacks should also be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Halloween Safety Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf315374.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Those of my faith," said the minister, "believe that life starts when the heart begins to beat." "We take a different view," said the priest. "We believe life starts at the moment of conception." "Well," said the rabbi, "it is our belief that life starts when the kids move out and the dog dies."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Improving Your Memory
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  October 30, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday. Time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing. --- Evan Esar, Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing. --- Wernher von Braun
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!" Dentist: "I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the six o'clock hockey game."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Niko National Park, Japan Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North out my office window.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to parents of a 7 year old crook in Georgsmarienhuette, Germany Tiny Crook's crimewave A seven-year-old went on a mini crimewave in a shopping centre in Germany - using a go-kart as his getaway car. First the boy pinched a playmate's dad's 500cc motorised kart and raced round to the local mall in Georgsmarienhuette, north west Germany. Then he went on a three hour shoplifting spree loading a trailer with toys before one victim called the police. "It's amazing he got away with for so long. Maybe he was so small he slipped under the CCTV," said one shopper.
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" "No sir." answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his wife?" "No sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?" "Uh... excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandy Re: Windows 7 Dear Webby I heard that Microsoft showed a Beta of Windows 7. What's the story? Did they see the light, or is it just more dumpster- ware? What's the direction for Commerce and Industry? Sandy Dear Sandy As usual, they missed the point and painted themselves further into the corner. The main problem seems to be nerdification. They read the reviews written by overpaid magazine staff nerds, who have never paid for their own machine, and who have never used an average computer for average work, but who are harangued and hyped by the magazine's advertising department. The majority does not pay attention to the magazine's staff nerds, who are totally out of touch with reality. The majority is not interested in $5000 quads with 4 noisy fans. They just want a quiet $500 computer that is good enough for doing the daily work. Windows 7 goes in the opposite direction. It's Vista with new and improved and additional hi-tech duck tape, and it needs a 64 bit CPU and software to help it wheeze out of the garage. For Commerce and Industry there is no change from what I recommended in spring: Stick with XP-SP2, continue migrating to Open Office, and specify new machines with Linux pre-installed. For WORK, there is no need for Vista or Windows7. Once your staff has upgraded to Open Office, about the only thing they will notice of the switch to Linux, is much faster boot-up, no more stalls and crashes, and a lot less waiting. Because Dell and others in their league are reluctant to pass on the savings of Linux machines, Vista and Windows 7 will be a big boost for local clone builders, if they can bundle the same neighborly support for Linux, as we did for DOS in the 80's and Windows 3 in the early 90's. Wouldn't YOU rather have a fast and reliable Linux machine with friendly local support, than slow dumpster-ware with Microsoft style Taliban support? For me, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place. "It's great!" he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom still has to sleep with dad."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com X-Ray Machine Costume Paint the rib cage of a skeleton on a black t-shirt. Cut out the bottom of a cardboard box and three holes for your arms and head. Then cut a square hole in the front so the bones can be seen. Paint the box to look like an x-ray machine. Visit Thrifty Fun For More Halloween Ideas http://www.thriftyfun.com/Halloween_540.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nature on a rampage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Adjust Windows slide show settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  October 29, 2008

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. --- Mark Twain If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you. --- Don Marquis
The young man was contrite as he confessed to his steady girl that he was seeing a therapist. "That's nothing." she replied. "I'm seeing a therapist, two engineers, a plumber and a doctor."
081028-18:23pm WEST 081028-18:47pm WEST 081028-18:47pm NORTH Sweep from West to North at 6:47 PM Short wmv movie of a quick sweep rom West to North, showing the transition between the last two of the above pictures.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bryan Perez, 22, Washington, DC Brothel Robber Leaves His Thumb Behind WASHINGTON | Police say a man suspected in an armed robbery at an alleged brothel in Washington's Columbia Heights neighborhood left some evidence at the scene: his thumb. Police say 22-year-old Bryan Perez and an accomplice made off with hundreds of dollars in cash in the Oct. 11 raid. According to charging documents, one of the victims took control of Perez's silver machete and hacked off his right thumb. About two hours after the robbery, a nine-fingered Perez went to an emergency room. Police caught up with him and brought the severed thumb to the hospital. According to an arrest affidavit, a doctor told police the thumb "fits like a puzzle piece." Perez was transferred to a Baltimore hospital to have it reattached. On Tuesday, a judge ordered the Hyattsville, Md., man held without bond. http://www.theledger.com/article/200810 ... /810230283
Thanks to Mike for this: I tried this with my wife and it backfired... I guess it's only true with men... Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to communicate with you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Captn Chaos Re: Slide show screen saver settings Dear Webby Good morning Webby and trust it is not too cold in Alberta yet. On slide show mode, is there any way to slow down or speed up the advancement of pictures like for screensaver pictures? The pictures advance about every 4-5 seconds and I would like to make them in view longer. I have looked everywhere, I think, for settings on this to no avail and I am sure that if there is a spot to change that setting, you will have the answer. Thanks and best regards from Ontario Captn Chaos Dear Captn Chaos You need TweakUI XP Power Toys for that: Tweak UI Have FUN! DearWebby

Father teaching his daughter to drive: "Stop on red, go on green, and slow down when I turn purple."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081001@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pillow Case for Trick or Treat Bag A white pillow case (or any old one will do) works really well for trick or treating. It holds lots of candy, won't tear and can be seen by motorists when most costumes are dark. They can be decorated to look more festive. For shorter children, they could be cut down shorter or folded inward to half the size. - Candy Trick or Treating Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf11704556.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Truly Moving Movies
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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