Little Things 

"It's the little things in life that make us happy.
Like watching a child on a swing.
Listening to birds in the trees.
Seeing an Occupier get French-kissed by an air hammer."




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View animations in Outlook 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, November 13

One subscriber considered the term Flea-Bagger to be
"repulsive". Well, it was not me, who coined it, and it is
not going to go away in our lifetime.

Yes, quite likely, to parents and grandparents of the 
"Urban Protest Outdoors Residents", the term may
be less flattering, than they would prefer.

Obama and the Marxists have been quick to label
the Tea Party members as Tea-Baggers, so naturally
the members of the media have been eager to show off
the quick wits, that they sharpened in countless years 
in college, and labelled the opposite end of the spectrum,
the "Urban Protest Outdoors Residents", as Flea-Baggers.

I don't think they meant to refer to the smell of the sidewalk 
denizens, but just wanted to show off their ability, to make
a simple pun.

Just like nobody is going to stop using the term "Tea-Bagger",
don't expect the term "Flea-Bagger" to disappear. 
It is part of the language now.

The term OWS has not caught on, even with the people
involved. "Are you going tatea-baggerilgating at the arena?"
Nah, we promised to go flea-bagging on Main Street."

Have YOU heard anybody say, they are going "OWS'ing
on Main Street" ? Not likely. That's just not cool.

Just to add to the confusion, one reader reported that some
Marxists are trying to twist the name Tea-Bagger to a very
obscure and obsolete use of the word, not at all related to 
the Tea Party or their aganeda. Apparently, if the Marxists
had their way, the term tea-bagger would become a dirty word,
and they are frantically slobbering all kinds of posts about 
that onto the Internet.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. --- Thomas A. Edison By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. " --- Confucius
Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."
H Miracle: Nature's Method to CURE Hemorrhoids. Yes, CURE, not just suppress the symptoms, but cure them for good. Use the H Miracle and end that nuisance.

Thanks to Bob for this one: After you've been with someone for awhile, you wind up with your own way of communicating. For example, the other day Mary hollered at me, "What are you looking for in that closet?" "Nothing," I hollered back. "Well," she shouted, "it's not in there. Look under the bed!"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through for the large version. Monarch on ButterflyWeed
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Serena Ann Thomas, 30 Mom hid crystal meth in daughter's diaper bag CLEARWATER — She kept crystal meth in her 3-year-old daughter's diaper bag, police said. Serena Ann Thomas, 30, of Clearwater was pulled over by police at 8:27 p.m. Saturday on suspicion of driving under the influence, according to an arrest report. With her in the white 2007 Chevrolet Impala were her 3-year-old daughter and Jamie Marie Davie, 26, of Clearwater. After Thomas consented, a Clearwater police officer searched the car. In the girl's diaper bag, the officer found two bags containing about one gram each of an off-white substance that looked like and tested positive for crystal methamphetamine, according to the report. The officer also found two pipes. Thomas was arrested and faces a charge of possession of crystal meth. Davie faces a charge of possession of oxycodone, a prescription painkiller.
Tech Support Pits: From Michael Re: Outlook and Animated pictures Dear Webby, I had the same problem with animated GIFs in Outlook 2007 and 2010 -- they would not move. The solution is essentially the same as your solution: view the message in a browser. First double click on the message to open it into its own window, then from “Actions” on the Ribbon, choose “Other Actions”, then “View in Browser”. I know you don’t like Outlook, but some of us are required to use it by our employers. It took me 3 years to find this solution; if you publish this, hopefully it will help some others who are less tenacious. Aloha, -mkr Dear Michael If the animation is in email, instead of a folder, then most email programs have the option to view it in your browser. That goes back to the days when Eudora and Pegasus were the only email programs, and Netscape the only browser. In Eudora, for example, you right-click anywhere in the message, and hit S to Send to browser. Have FUN! DearWebby
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I got a really funny spam today: "Subject: no more lying in applications - buy a degree from an accredited university here. There are no required tests, classes, books, or interviews! Get a Bachelors, Masters, MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing Wax Residue in Candle Holders I used to have the kindest neighbor who I would visit often. She always had everything decorated so nicely, and she always had candles burning. She told me that she put a little bit of water in the bottom of the glass votive before putting her candle in to prevent the wax from sticking to glass votive and she was right! Source: My older kind neighbor By Beth from Fairfield, PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until your kid comes down off the chandelier."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"

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Thanksgiving Day – 2022 

[Something to think about this November 24th]



Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered. Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington.

Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world," Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.

Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020 to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats [which were monitored and controlled by the electric company] be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. "The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."

Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines-for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids. Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists." Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible," said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.

Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner," but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth." This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

.....He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around2011, when all the real nonsense began. "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said, 'Enough is Enough', when we had the chance," he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.



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Which drivers do I need? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, November 11
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
A Salut to all Veterans!



In Flanders fields the poppies blow
      Between the crosses, row on row,
   That mark our place; and in the sky
   The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
   Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
         In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
   The torch; be yours to hold it high.
   If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
         In Flanders fields.
         

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. --- Doug Larson The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture. That's no small feat for a non plumber! Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my four-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work any better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just rescued and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too"? he asked.
H Miracle: Nature's Method to CURE Hemorrhoids. Yes, CURE, not just suppress the symptoms, but cure them for good. Use the H Miracle and end that nuisance.

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Amber Bush, 26, in Moulton,AL Facebook Posts Lead to Arrest Moulton, AL - Lawrence County Sheriff's Investigators say some online detective work led them to a theft arrest this week. According to Sheriff Gene Mitchell, deputies were contacted this week about a set of golf clubs that were lent to a woman, and then never returned to the rightful owner. The woman who allegedly had the clubs - 26 year old Amber Bush - denied having them when investigators spoke with her. However, a short time later, deputies discovered Bush had made several posts on Facebook, claiming she had the clubs and had no intention of returning them. After questioning her again, Bush reportedly confessed to the theft and was arrested on Wednesday. Even though she thought she was too cute for jail, she is being held in the Lawrence County Jail on a $2500 bond since Nov 9. So far, none of her friends and victims has been in a hurry to lend her the required $250 (10% of the bond).
Tech Support Pits: From Ralph Re: Which drivers do I need? Dear Webby, I have an older Sony VAIO PC running XP, SP3 and I am finding devices like my camera, usb memory card reader and an android tablet will not connect to it. Literature on the devices says it will connect with any usb port. I have gone to the Sony esupport site for my computer to downloaded the latest to no avail. I really think they stopped supporting it some time ago judging by the dates on their files. Where can I find the proper drivers for free? I always seem to end up downloading a program that scans my computer but then wants money and a lot of personal information before they will say where the resources actually are. How do I find out if my hardware / firmware will actually support new drivers? Thanks Ralph Dear Ralph The drivers have to be from the peripheral device makers, like the camera, card reader, etc. However, if even a new card reader does not work, I would seriously suspect your USB port to have a hardware or connection problem. I would check to see if the connector to the USB port has come loose from the motherboard. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it!!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Saw from Sticking in Sappy Wood A little kerosene and used crankcase oil dripped onto its blade will keep a saw from sticking and binding as you cut hedges and other sappy wood. Source: Grandpa By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener! You'll be walking for a year now. Git out!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Marilee for this story: I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom. And wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked so adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!

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Laser vs Inkjet reliability 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, November 10

Had to go to the hospital today for a check-up of my legs.
Apparently the combination of heart attacks and diabetes 
are a cause for concern. So I took that as an excuse for
walking up to the hospital and back and enjoy the sunshine.
Black Diamond is in the valley and the hospital is up on 
the high prairie. 

I probably would have had an easier time when I was 18,
but I did manage without stopping.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"In wilderness I sense the miracle of life, and behind it our scientific accomplishments fade to trivia." --- Charles A. Lindbergh
An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that stupid drainpipe!"
H Miracle: Nature's Method to CURE Hemorrhoids. Yes, CURE, not just suppress the symptoms, but cure them for good. Use the H Miracle and end that nuisance.

A Newfie came out West and sme friends took him along for curling. As luck would have it, he won an Ice auger for ice fishing. A lot of beer later, when they got kicked out of the curling club, the Newfie wants to go ice fishing right then and there. It's about as foggy outside as it is in his head, after all those beers, but his keen eyes spot some ice not far away. Proudly carrying his nice, shiny, red auger, he stumbles in that direction and decides that he'll give it a go. He carefully takes the safety cover off the point. You may think thasch easchy, but if you hol yourschelf upright with the schilly Ische auger, every time you pull the plaschtik thingamagig off the bottom point, you fffall down! Musch easier if you doing while lying down. Finally he starts drilling. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The Newfie looks all around him in the fog, but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on drilling. Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task. "Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble." "Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!" There was a big, thundering roar and the the loud voice again: "I'm the manager of this hockey rink, and I'm starting up the Zamboni!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Heather Haygood Mom hid meth on 6 year old son Decatur, AL - Decatur Police have arrested and charged a woman with a series of drug crimes, including possession and manufacturing, and chemical endangerment of a child. Investigators say she hid meth on her own young son. 27 year old Heather Haygood was pulled over for a routine traffic stop Thursday night near the intersection of Highway 31 and Deer Springs Road. During the course of the stop, Decatur Police officers searched the car and found meth on her 6 year old son. Officers also found chemicals used in meth making inside the car. Haygood is being held in the Decatur City Jail on $57,500 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From Thomas Re: Inkjet versus laser reliability Dear Webby, I know from some of your posts that you are in favor of laser printers. My experience in offices with laser printers seemed to be that there was always something going wrong with the laser printers. It seems that there is so much more to go wrong with them then with inkjet printers. I am fearful of buying a laser printer and 6 months later being socked with a huge repair bill. Thomas Dear Thomas In the 80's Laser printers did have frequent problems, especially when they were used for cranking through a case or more of paper per week. I know, I used to be the one fixing them. I remember, when the IBM 3180 was the top of the line laser printer, and I was in good enough shape, that I could carry them alone down and up steep and long stairs. However, Lasers have come a long way in the last 25-30 years, and the cute secretaries, who abused them then, are grandmothers and great-grandmothers now. I am using a DELL 1320c color laser, and have for 3-4 years. All I ever do for it is stuff another ream of paper into it, and occasionally change toner cartridges. As long as you stay away from HP, Lasers are quite reliable nowadays. Since with a Laser you get into the Business Class, you get much better quality than at the bargain consumer level. Also keep in mind, withlasers, there is nothing to dry up or leak. They work with dry powder. However, when mine is five years old, I will seriously consider opening it and see if it needs cleaning and lubricating. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', Okay?' said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the emply bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." "You' look as stupid on your mug shots, as you are, boys. And you'll be walking for a year. Start by walking over to the cruiser."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Placemat With Photos I take pictures from trips I have taken, laminate them on placemat size paper. They are always of interest when people come to dinner. I have also done this with various holiday cards, so I have placemats to go with all holidays. By Bev from Carlsbad, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Pat and Mike were once very good friends. One day when they were still on speaking terms, Pat went over to Mike's house to visit, but when he got there, Mike was out. Mike's wife was holding the ferociously fighting baby who had different plans, and trying to put up curtains at the same time. "Pat," she said, "I'm glad you came. Would you mind holding the squirming nuisance while I finish the curtains?" A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How ya doin, Mike?" Said Mike, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started.

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Financial Definitions 

CEO:
chief embezzlement officer.

CFO:
corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET
A random market movement causing an investor
to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET
A 6 to 18 month period
when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry,
and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING
The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO
The percentage of investors
wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER
What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR
Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST!
Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT
When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION
The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW
The movement your money makes
as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MOMENTUM INVESTING
The fine art of buying high and selling low.

"BUY, BUY"
A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

FINANCIAL PLANNER
A guy who actually remembers his wallet
when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

CALL OPTION
Something people used to do with a telephone
in ancient times before e-mail.

PROFIT
an archaic word no longer in use.

PROFIT
Religious guy who talks to God.

BILL GATES
Where God goes for a loan.

ALAN GREENSPAN
God.



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Source for Accurate Weather 

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet,
it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way,
it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back,
it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this,
you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT



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Computer Calculator 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, November 9

Time to pick on Iran again?
After it was quite OK, that Pakistan sold technology and
centrifuges, and pardoned the people doing that, they
make a big fuss about Iran. 

Sure, Iran is led by a bunch of barbarians, and excpet for
their friend Obamanov, nobody is in a rush to forgive them
for taking over the US embassy and university, however, 
they are not stupid enough to actually USE nuclear weapons.

Even though the US would let them get away with it, Israel
won't. And Saudi Arabia would quite cheerfully participate
in bombing them back to the stone age. After all, they don't 
have that far to go. 

Seems to me, the media just needs something to write about, 
while the Flea-Baggers visit their parent's home for a shower
and to warm up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Most people would succeed in small things, if they were not troubled with great ambitions. --- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person. --- Ethel Mumford
Thanks to Chris for this one: There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in howls of laughter. ---------- The receptionist at my doctor is the opposite. She is very cute, but extremely shy. If I was not so good at lip-reading, I could not understand her. Or maybe she is whispering, so that I look at her face? '-)
H Miracle: Nature's Method to CURE Hemorrhoids. Yes, CURE, not just suppress the symptoms, but cure them for good. Use the H Miracle and end that nuisance.

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Christine Murgueytio, 30, Ft Myers, FL Teacher accused of DUI crash in school parking lot LEE COUNTY - Florida A Lee County teacher is accused of driving under the influence, AGAIN, and deputies say she crashed into another car in her school's parking lot. Deputies say on Thursday morning, the Dunbar Middle School, school resource officer called to report a minor crash that happened in the parking lot. The crash involved teacher Christine Murgueytio's white Kia and a parked car. The SRO told deputies that Murgueytio might have been impaired because an eyewitness had said that she was stumbling and that her speech was "thick tongued." When deputies arrived and spoke the teacher, she was asked if she had been drinking or taking any drugs. According to the arrest report, she replied that she had only taken one Ambien Wednesday night. When asked to take a field sobriety test, she agreed but asked to do so in the back of the parking lot so that her coworkers and students would not see it happening. Seems she expected to fall on her snout. Four field sobriety tests were conducted, all of which she failed. Based on the results of those tests, she was placed in custody and asked to give a breath sample. And as the deputy was gathering her things from her car, according to the arrest report, he found two beer cans in her lunch box next to some uneaten plums. Murgueytio also agreed to give a urine sample, which was then placed into evidence. She was then taken to the Lee County Jail, but has since been released on bond. Murgueytio is on PAID administrative leave with the School District, pending the results of their own investigation. ----------------------- This is her third DUI while a teacher in that county, and her second Bonehead Award.
Tech Support Pits: From Sue Re: Calculator Dear Webby, I need a good calculator. What do you recommend? Sue Dear Sue Hit START, RUN and type calc Hit Enter. You can set it simple or scientific. It will remember your choice. You can also do a search for calc.exe, and make a desktop shortcut to it. If you have TweakUI, then you also have PoweCalc. It can graph equations and does a bunch of unit conversions. For more versatility, use a SpreadSheet like Open Office CALC or Quattro or Excel. Spreadsheets are easy to use and you can calculate anything. The biggest advantage is that the numbers don't scroll into history, but stay right there and can be checked and edited. You can also select a batch of entries, for example the VISA expenses of last year, and with a single click make a graph of them. That lets you quickly spot uncharacteristic entries, and also lets you sit back and muse about trends. Spreadsheets look intimidating to novices, but are actually as easy as falling into bed. Just start playing with them and kicking yourself that you have not started with that much earlier. An often overlooked feature is that you can save a spreadsheet as HTML and upload it to the web, for a friend or co-worker to view and comment, or to continue a collaborative effort. Then there is Launchy You can get it from my ToolBox. Launchy is the most understated program on the net. Officially, it is just for launching programs, that have their icons hidden or lost. For example, to launch Eudora I hit ALT SPACE to open Launchy, E for Eudora ENTER to launch it. I don't even have to take my hands away from the keyboard and hunt for the mouse. If I type a number into Launchy, that turns it into a calculator with a horizontal tape. You can copy your entries or just the results. And when you hit ESC, it is gone. However, ALT SPACE restores the previous entries and result, just in case you hit ESC by accident. Be careful with the SKINS. There are countless skins for it available, and getting just the right skin can be like shopping for a wedding dress. Keep in mind, though, if your Launchy clashes with your nail polish or whatever, you can always pick a different skin. And it is free! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Bea for this one: For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I car pooled to get our children to soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Christmas Decorations in Santa Sacks Each year I store away all my decorations in Santa sacks that have a drawstring top. When Christmas rolls around again I get the bags down from the storage rack in garage. There is no dust and everything is just where I left it. By Melinda B from Melbourne, Australia http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is." "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she is a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her." "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A reporter from Chicago was visiting an old colleague, who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."

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COD Modern Warfare 3 Guide – How To Become The Best Fast? 

So you have just picked up the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 game and are getting killed too much online in the multiplayer mode? Or maybe you just want to learn how to get better at the game fast? Well there are a couple of ways you can do this and this article will help you out:

Forums: You can of course browse the forums and ask the top players about map strategies and how they are dominating but in all honesty you will probably not get the best players giving away their secrets. However if you browse enough and keep asking questions you will be able to piece together information about the maps and new game modes that will help you. The main things to make sure you understand is the new Strike chains and pick one that suits your gameplay. Also that you can level your weapon it is well worth levelling a weapon that you are going to play with and use a lot. Another way is to check out the top gaming sites:

Gaming Sites: If you check out the top gaming sites and look for some tips on how to dominate the multiplayer this is a good place to start but again these will not be any “secrets”. Well worth a look if you are brand new but I suggest if you want to dominate Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 then you check out a good guide:

Perses Guide: If you really want a complete guide to dominate the game then I would check out Perses guide as it is a complete guide on how to dominate the game and has a complete walkthrough for both single player and multiplayer as well. If you are trying to get to grips with the game then a full guide that has been designed by the top gamers will help you out no end. For a full preview and to start dominating check out the full guide below:

http://rememberme.perses.hop.clickbank.net/



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Printing for outdoors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, November 8

Did the accusations about groping help Arnold to get elected,
even though he was a Republican in a Democrat state?
They sure did not hurt him. He more or less just laughed 
them off. Did Cain learn from Arnold?

Should be interesting soon!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it. --- Socratex All men commend patience, although few be willing to practice it. --- Thomas Kempis (1799-1850)
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target of course was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he laughed and remarked, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" About then he realized, that I had loosened the drainpipe beneath the sink and turned the "U" pipe so that it aimed at his crotch.
H Miracle: Nature's Method to CURE Hemorrhoids. Yes, CURE, not just suppress the symptoms, but cure them for good. Use the H Miracle and end that nuisance.

At one job I had a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief. "What's the matter?" I asked him. "Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was just beginning to think you really DO eat nails for lunch."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Miguel Medina, Albany OnStar reported DUI crash ALBANY -- A South Pearl Street man faces aggravated driving while intoxicated charges after his OnStar system lead police to the scene of a car accident early Tuesday, police said. Miguel Medina was charged with felony DWI, leaving the scene of a property damage accident and refusal to take a breath test, police said. The Albany man allegedly crashed a 2011 Buick Regal into a utility pole at the corner of Oneida and Catherine streets at 2:05 a.m., and fled the scene, according to police. The car was equipped with OnStar, and a system dispatcher reported the crash, police said. Officers arrived at the crash site, where witnesses said that Medina had run toward Slingerland Street, police said. Police arrested the man, whose age was not available, across from Bishop Maginn High School. Medina refused to take a sobriety test. Police said a Breathalyzer that he later submitted to registered his alcohol blood content at above 0.18 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08. Medina was arraigned in Albany City Court.
Tech Support Pits: From Vanessa Re: Weatherproof print Dear Webby, I need to print some fliers, that get taped to the outside of doors. They are not directly in the weather, but don't seem to last the week, that they should. What kind of printing do you suggest? Vanessa Dear Vanessa I would use a Laser Printer, like the DELL 1320c for color or the DELL 1130 mono for $85. Lasers melt a waxy toner into the paper. Moisture may deteriorate the paper, but the laser printed parts will be protected. Unlike items printed with inkjets, laser printed colors will never run. Naturally, you have to use a quality toner from a reputable supplier. If BestBuy or Walmart puts toner cartridges on sale, you can bet that they have been sitting on their shelves for too long. I buy ink and toner from Atlantic Inkjet, and have for about a dozen years. The quality is excellent, shipping is fast, and the price is right. You can protect the paper from wind damage with a clear varnish spray, and unlike inkjet printed paper, with laser, the print quality will not deteriorate from the inside out or from the back.. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A group of women were talking together. One woman said, "Our congregation is sometimes down to 30 or 40 on a Sunday." Another said, "That's nothing. Sometimes our congregation is down to six or seven." A maiden lady in her seventies added her bit, "Why, it's so bad in our church on Sundays that when the minister says 'dearly beloved,' it makes me blush."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Colander to Remove Excess Salt from Nuts We love pistachios, but many times they have a lot of salt on them. I discovered that by shaking them in a mesh colander, I was able to removed a large quantity of the salt. I also shake pumpkin seeds. By mascenika from Westminter, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to schay it or schpell it kwite rite.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T". Examples of those days are as follows: Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday Thunday

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Mail pretending to be from you is not a hack, just spam. 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, November 7

Either my jeans are getting thinner, not at the waist, but
the fabric, or my legs are losing too much insulating fat. 
In the last two days the wind seems to have gotten quite 
uncomfortable during my daily 3 mile walk. 

By afternoon it is supposed to warm up to just 4 degrees 
below freezing, and Wednesday it is supposed to go
above freezing.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Teenagers should move out earlier, while they still know it all. --- Socratex "I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence." --- Doug MacLeod
Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday. They shopped and shopped. Finally, Lena found one she liked. But before signing the papers, Lena looked at the car one more time. Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want the car. She wouldn't even talk about it. On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena, I tot yew liked dat car. Vat changed yer mind about it? "Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it," Lena answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?" "Maybe," replied beautician, "does he still drink a lot?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alexander Pratt, 59, and Clara Pearson, 53, both of Lake Worth Stole cop car for hanky-panky WEST PALM BEACH, Fla., Nov. 5 (UPI) -- The Palm Beach Post reported a couple were charged with stealing a police car because it was handy, it was running, the keys were in it, right there outside a convenience store, and they were looking for a place for a quickie. A man and woman charged with stealing a police car left running outside a Florida convenience store apparently wanted it for a quickie sexual encounter. Alexander Pratt, 59, and Clara Pearson, 53, both Lake Worth residents, were charged with grand theft auto, The Palm Beach Post reported. They allegedly grabbed a Honda Civic belonging to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office that was being used by plainclothes detectives from the auto theft division. The couple did not get far in their new wheels, a police report said. They were pulled over and arrested not far away. Pratt told officers he was not sorry for his actions because he was eager to "have intimate relations with Pearson," a police affidavit said. And here is how the International press reported it: (I came across it while searching for mug shots.) A Negro and blackamoor live with concealing a personnel automobile mitt streaming right a Florida lavatory accumulation ostensibly desired it for a repair sexed encounter. Alexander Pratt, 59, and Clara Pearson, 53, both Lake designer residents, were live with noble thieving auto, The Palm Beach Post reported. They allegedly grabbed a Honda Civic happiness to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office that was existence utilised by plainclothes detectives from the machine thieving division. The pair did not intend farther in their newborn wheels, a personnel inform said. They were pulled over and inactive not farther away. Pratt told officers he was not compassionate for his actions because he was hot to "have hint relations with Pearson," a personnel affidavit said. (c) UPI http://www.bestcactus.com/couple-allege ... r-for-sex/
Tech Support Pits: From Robbie Re: Mail pretending to be from me Dear Webby, Got a message from myself that I did not send to myself. Have changed my password but wanted to warn you all so you could run your virus scan programs & make sure that my hacker didn't get you too. My apologies, Sincerely, EvlEvo Dear Robbie That is just ordinary spam with the recipient address forged in as the sender.Since you are a yahoo, every spammer has your address, and you got to expect that. They know that most of the silly yahoos will fall for that, and either open it and get infected, or get into a big tizzy about it. Unless you are in the habit of sending emails to yourself to remind you to check the stove, before the boiling eggs blow up and the pot lid crashes out through the window again, just dump all mail, that pretends to be from you. If you use spam protection like MailWasher, you can automate that. It can tell the difference between mail that is REALLY from you, and mail, that is just pretending to be from you. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Shoe Tongue From Sliding Quite frequently the tongue in a child's shoe will slip around to the side where it can make the foot very uncomfortable. The situation can be remedied quite simply, however, by making two small slits in the offending tongue and passing the shoelaces through them. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?" Morris replies, "How 'bout three months from now?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Fortune Cookie: "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application." ------------------- The best Fortune Cookie message I ever received was at the "Shangri La - Midnile Snacks", yes, mid NILE, in Whgitehorse, in the 70's. The message read: "HEED THIS ADVICE" Nothing else, just that.

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Which picture format for frequent printing 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, November 6

Remember to set back your manual clocks. 
It is winter time again.

If you got frantic emails about next Wednesday's Emergency 
System Test, simmer down. It's just the TV version of the 
tornado siren test, and no terrorists are going to time their
nefarious actions for that time. They are probably confused 
by the time change, and probably wondering if they should
side with or against the Flea-Baggers, that seem to get
priority in the media these days.

At first Obama was in favor of the Flea-Baggers, since they
seemed to be the opposite of the Tea-Baggers and Sarah and
Donald and all those nasty people, who are badmouthing him.
However, since they refuse to come up with a Manifesto and
just recycle the "Down with the establishment" slogans of the
60's riots in Chicago, and the French Revolution a bit earlier,
He doesn't know how to deal with them. 

To Obama's credit, until they come up with a consistent goal
or Manifesto, nobody else seems to know how to deal with the 
Flea-Baggers either.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"Science fiction writers foresee the inevitable, and although problems and catastrophes may be inevitable, solutions are not." --- Isaac Asimov The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. --- John Holt By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --- Socrates
Three guys met in a bar and spent the afternoon drinking and telling stories. Finally, as evening approached, they realized that it was time to go. So they signaled the bartender and told him they wanted to pay their tab. The bartender left and returned, saying the total bar bill was $3.00. "Three dollars," they gasped, and one said, "Surely you must be wrong, it has to be more than $3.00, we've been here all afternoon. We must have had 10 beers apiece." "That's right" said the bartender, "thirty beers at ten cent's apiece, that's $3.00." The men were amazed that the beer was so cheap, but the bartender went on to explain, "You see," he said, "I won the lottery and I wanted to open a bar where folks could come and drink for a reasonable price and have fun. So I use my lottery winnings to subsidize the cost, that's why drinks are so cheap." The men nodded, but one of them asked the bartender, "Those two guys over there, they've been here for two hours and they haven't had anything to drink, what's going on?" "Oh those guys" the bartender replied, "they're Scots, they're waiting for happy hour."
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

Thanks to Flo for this one: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty hot too!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Mary K. Wells, 47 Woman hits hubby with car, and stuff Police said an Oxford woman hit her husband with her car, among other things, at his workplace Monday. According to Iowa City police criminal complaints, 47-year-old Mary K. Wells went to her husband’s workplace in Iowa City at 9:15 p.m. Monday and found him there with an unidentified female client. Police said Wells hit her husband in the face, tore his shirt and hit him in the face with a rubber hose. Police said Wells hit the other woman in the face and pulled her hair. She also threw a quart of oil at her, striking her in the leg, police said. Wells also allegedly drove her car toward another car, missing it by inches, but did not miss her husband, who was standing. Police said Wells’ husband was knocked to the ground but was not injured in the ramming. He had sufferedf bruises and scrapes on the face and neck from the metal fittings on the rubber hose, that she hit him with. Wells brought her two children, 12 and 15 years old, with her and they witnessed the attack, police said. Iowa City Police Sgt. Denise Brotherton said Mary K Wells fled the scene. Johnson County Sheriff’s Office deputies were dispatched to her home but were unable to locate her, Brotherton said. A warrant was issued for her arrest and records show she was booked at 7:04 a.m. Wednesday at the jail. It is unclear whether Wells was arrested by another agency or turned herself in to authorities. Wells is being charged with first-degree domestic assault causing injury, a serious misdemeanor; assault, a serious misdemeanor; and child endangerment causing no injury, an aggravated misdemeanor. She is being held at the Johnson County Jail on a $7,500 cash bond.
Tech Support Pits: From Rob Re: Picture File Format Dear Webby, Which picture file format is best for route maps for our orienteering club ? The master map stays the same, but the event maps change every week. Each individual group gets a map that has the only the trails, that they have to take, whith all other trails blanked out. We make six maps per event and each group draws one of the six variations. That gives you an idea of how much the picture gets changed. Over the years it has become so frazzled that it is getting difficult to interprete and we have to keep drawing new master maps. Is there a picture file format that would be more suitable? Thanks Rob Dear Rob Don't use JPG for that, it degrades each time you save it. Use GIF or PNG for that. When you draw the master map, use edged lines. Then cut a fine separation line next to each trail junction. Reduce the colors to 16 and save it as a GIF or PNG. Write-protect that file so that it can not be overwritten and only copied.. For each variation just take a copy off the master and use the flood fill tool to fill unused sections of the trail with the background color. It will hide the trail all the way to the next separation line at the next junction. The edging of the line will still be there for a future filling, but the participants know, that if the trail does not have THEIR color, then they won't find THEIR tokens on that route. GIF pictures don't have the same color depth as JPG, but they are usable on the web and they don't degrade. They also print and fax with sharp and clear edges on even the cheapest printers or fax machines. PNG can show very sharp details, similar to JPG, but does not degrade from saving. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clean Bathtub with Powdered Dish Detergent When your bathtub gets really grimy looking and the bathroom cleaners don't seem to be working, try a scrubby sponge and a bit of powder dish washer soap. It doesn't scratch, but it will get things super clean. By Lynn from WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls... SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a good looking female who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
John came from San Francisco to Depoe Bay and asked a native, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the native replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

» Over The Hill (calorie free)







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Ideal picture background 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, November 5

Thanks David!

Now Belgium, which is still trying to get organized, after 
it's government collapsed in 2010, announced it will phase 
out nuclear powerplants. Not right away, but like Germany,
after three to five elections, or like Obama promised, that 
the deficit and debt will be reduced by some future government,
who will hopefully figure those things out, and get yelled at
for trying to pay for today's mistakes.

Because Big Oil paid the media to use Fukushima to scare 
the sheep, it is fashionable among politicians to bitch about
nuclear power plants. Sure, the Fukushima plants were Govt
spec plants, and satisfied politicians a lot more than the 
engineers. However, those old Fukushima plants fared actually 
quite well. 

The engineers pointed out, that it was a really dumb idea 
to rely on long over-land power lines to supply emergency 
power, instead of a few big Diesels in the basement.
They also pointed out, that so close to the ocean, it was 
really stupid to put pools on top of the roof to keep the
half used fuel rods wet, and use power from other,
far away plants, to pump water up there. Why not dig a hole,
and let the ocean keep it filled, instread of using expensive 
pumps made in some politician's riding?

Does that sound familiar? Yes, same crap goes on in 
every country.

They could have stoped procrastinating, and sent the half 
used fuel rods to South Korea or China for re-processing! 
Japan has long ago decided that 1 Billion Dollar a piece 
nuclear bombs are not cost effective, and they haven't got 
a breeder reactor anyway, so why keep the stuff?

Nuclear powerplants are actually quite safe, if done right,
and kept as up-to-date as the oil fired plants. And they
don't mess up the air with soot and ash and make photos
less sharp, than they could be.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"The herd instinct among forecasters makes sheep look like independent thinkers." --- Edgar R. Fiedler Election promises are the opposite of forecasts. --- DW
Q: What's the difference between an English actuary and a Sicilian actuary? A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names.
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

You probably know that MADD is the group that calls itself Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Now There is also DAM Mothers Against Dylsexia
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Antonio Santiago, 26 Stolen cellphone rings in thief's pocket A Hoboken man was denying knowledge of a stolen cellphone before it rang in his pocket, police said. At 7 a.m. today, a 55-year-old man said his cellphone and charger were stolen while he was asleep at Hoboken Terminal, reports said. He saw the man he believed stole the phone sitting inside McDonalds, 234 Washington St., and told police who reported to the scene, reports said. Antonio Santiago, 26, of Bloomfield Street, told police he did not take the phone, reports said. When police called the victim's cell phone, it rang in Santiago's right coat pocket, reports said. When Santiago pulled out the phone and its charger from his coat, the victim positively identified the items, reports said. A police pat-down revealed that Santiago also had three small, clear plastic bags of suspected marijuana, reports said. Santiago was charged with theft and possession of 50 grams or less of marijuana, reports said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Jackie Re: more picture background Dear Webby, I was looking through old Humor Letters searching for something and came across some bad advice you gave. You are wrong about the color of a picture backdrop. As any professional knows, it should be white so as to throw more light and even onto the object. Jackie Dear Jackie Digital cameras have become quite affordable. Why don't you save up for one and try it out yourself ? You will find that a white backdrop reduces contrast and makes pictures appear flat and washed out. With digital cameras, and prettier subjects, you can go for a lot more contrast than what they taught you 70 years ago. Also, with a white backdrop you lose control of the lighting. Even if you have proper lighting from slightly above and to the side of the camera, the picture will be even more "dead" than if you had used an in-camera flash. Very unprofessional! In addition to that, an edge bleed to white is considerably wider than an edge bleed to black. Getting rid of a light halo is a time wasting nuisance, whereas a thin, dark edge bleed helps to make the object stand out almost like a drop- shadow and appear much livelier. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Tony went to the doctor and told him that his hearing had deteriorated so bad that he couldn't even hear himself fart. The doctor gave Tony some pills. Tony asked him, "Will these make me hear better?" Doc replied, "No, but they will make you fart louder."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Laundry Detergent Caps For Bathroom Cups The house I live in does laundry a lot. And they didn't recycle until I showed them the error of their ways. So, instead of tossing the laundry detergent caps in the bin, I put them to good use. Here is an example of the things you can do with these wonderful lids! By Poor But Proud from Sweet Home, OR http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Vinnie for this: My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table, making cutlery and dishes jump. Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll NEVER eat out with us again!" The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"

» Making an avalanche







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IE9 Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, November 4
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Thanks to Kathie for this:
I've been using eFax http://www.efax.com/ for years now 
without a bit of trouble and I haven't had a land line phone 
for the same amount of time-just a cell phone. They started 
out a free service but now I think they only have paid plans. 
Faxes are sent and received via email. You have your "own"
fax number.

Its a lot cheaper than keeping a land line phone ($16.95 a month 
for under 150 faxes).

Kathie In a very windy Montana

-------------------------

Thanks to Gordon for sending the IE9 blocker!
IE9 is indeed quite a nuisance, especially if you only use
IE for occasionally checking if some snooty lamer's site
might work in IE but not in the fast browsers.

Personally, I don't bother. If a site does not work in
FireFox or Chrome, then I won't waste my time on it.
And if a link in email tries to start up IE, that email gets
dumped and shredded instantly.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. --- Arlo Guthrie
SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE Southerner Style 1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 2. Bandage left thumb. 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 4. Bandage left foot. 5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 6. Light Match 7. Light Match 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled 'kerosene'. 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 14. Re-label can to read 'gasoline'. 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps. Arctic Bushman Style 1) Collect the tiny, dry twiglets low on trees and stuff them into an inside pocket half an hour before stopping. 2) Start digging a hole in the snow with enough enthusiasm, so that the dogs will take over and finish. 3) Collect dry branches and dead trees and pile them up in the cleared hole. 4) Warm up the hands by scratching the belly of one of the dogs. 5) Place the thawed and crushed kindling from the inside pocket under the upwind side of the wood pile and use the thawed hand to light it with the lighter. 6) Get the dogs to help dragging a few dead trees close to the fire. 7) Cook supper.. That method has worked fine for me many hundreds of times, when I lived in the arctic bush. The real secret is the warm kindling in the inside pocket. It catches a lot easier than the -40 degree stuff.
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

Thanks to Francine for this: It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon. We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries." Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Rashawn Mallory, 21, and Ernest Barnett, 22 Armed robbers jailed after they took meatball sub YEADON, Pa. (UPI) -- Police in Pennsylvania said they arrested a group of armed robbers accused of stealing a 13-year-old's $5.50 meatball sub. Investigators said the teenager was walking home from the deli with his sandwich Saturday evening in Yeadon when two men, identified as Rashawn Mallory, 21, and Ernest Barnett, 22, exited a black Ford Expedition, brandished a black revolver and ordered the victim not to move, The Delaware County Daily Times reported Wednesday. Police said the two men searched the boy and left with his sandwich when they found nothing of value. However, they left the teenager's cellphone, which he used to call police and give descriptions of the suspects and their vehicle. Police located the vehicle, where the sandwich was found still in the wrapper. Mallory and Barnett were charged with robbery, theft, receiving stolen property, recklessly endangering another person and simple assault. Mallory was also charged with making terroristic threats and firearms not to be carried without a license. Two other men in the vehicle with the suspects, Antray Graves Jr., 20, and Rainey Smith, 21, were charged with criminal conspiracy to commit robbery theft, and receiving stolen property.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Gordon Re: IE9 Blocker Dear Webby Here is one to add to your toolbox IE 9 Blocker http://www.microsoft.com/download/en/de ... spx?id=179 Save and Run. When it asks you where to expand it to, choose C:\WINDOWS For Vista / Windows 7 Click On Start > All Programs > Accessories > Command Prompt - Right click and Run as Administrator For XP: Click on Start > RUN and type cmd and hit Enter In the scary black screen that you get, type cd c:\windows hit Enter, then type: IE9_Blocker.cmd /B hit Enter That should do the trick. After it finishes, you can type EXIT hit Enter to close the scary black screen. Comfirmed working. Gordon Dear Gordon Thanks, Got it added. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Mrs. Goldfarb was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs Goldfarb
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Leaves As Winter Mulch Have you mulched your leaves yet? After spending years raking up those fall leaves, I got pretty tired of having a second set of leaves fall from the Oak trees. I decided to make short work of the job by using my mulch mower and ran the mower over the leaves, which mulched them all and enriched my lawn happily at the same time. The lawn may not be as neat and tidy, but it sure will be happy having all that extra fertilizer on it, and it will be even happier next spring, and so too will you! Go mulch those leaves! Source: Gardeners around the globe By Kghornsten from Davis, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An elderly lady just ahead of me at a recent art show was looking at a painting with an ugly mish-mash of colors and turned to me and asked, "What's that?" I said, "According to the program flier, it's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse." "Supposed to be!", she sneered. "And whoever signed it, is 'supposed to be' a painter?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer". He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

» Photos of the World







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Faxing without a phone line 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, November 3

Yes, I agree, it is quite amazing, that those cops in Ohio
didn't do anything to shut up that cursing bimbo. Let's hope
that this time she won't get off with easy plea bargaining.
That obviously did not work.

Today's bonehead seems to be headed in the same direction,
and is also using foul language instead of brains.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. --- Will Rogers
Thanks to Bess for this: I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?" So I shifted to PARK, stomped the gas and hit the button, that my grandson had installed under the dash. The air comressor still almost stalled the engine, but the glorious blast of the triple trumpet train horns was worth it!
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

Thanks to Fran for this: We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as we could see were also dark. Our temp admin said, and I quote: "Can't be too far, that plane has lights!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Girl, 9, Facing Four Felonies For Wild School Bus Tantrum, Battering Sheriff's Deputy A nine-year-old Florida girl is facing four felony charges after she allegedly threw a tantrum yesterday on a school bus, spit on the driver, threw rocks at the bus, and tossed a patio chair at a cop, who she warned, “I will fuckin kill you!” The child, a fourth grader at the Royal Palm School in Fort Myers, was traveling home when the driver told her to stop eating candy on the bus. The girl “became very upset” and started yelling obscenities at driver Robert Middleton, according to a Lee County Sheriff’s Office report. After threatening to strike other children on the bus, the girl jumped off the bus (but not before spitting on Middleton). She then allegedly started throwing pieces of asphalt at the bus. When a sheriff’s deputy arrived on the scene and ordered the child to stop throwing the asphalt, she replied, “Fuck you! Fuck you! Shut the fuck up. I will fuckin kill you.” After warning that she would hurt him, the child “picked up an aluminum patio chair and threw it at me,” reported a deputy. After blocking the chair with his arm, the cop restrained the child, who then “attempted to bite my arm and said, ‘I am going to kill you, get off of me!” The pint-sized terror was charged with battery on a public school employee, resisting arrest with violence, battery on a law enforcement officer, and throwing a deadly missile into an occupied vehicle. The girl was released into her parents's custody last night and placed on home detention for 21 days.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Fred Re: Faxing without a phone number Dear Webby If we can "fax" from our computer, why can't we "fax" without a "phone number" on our end? There must be a way to "fax" from computer to computer, where e-mail isn't viable. Is it just a case of the technology is out there, but the phone companies are holding us hostage? I currently make hard copies and have a friend with a "fax" line send for me. Mary In NW Georgia, USA Dear Mary If both the sender and the recipient have Internet, then you can just send email and attach any document or picture. If the recipient does not have Internet, just a fax machine, then you have to send to that fax machine. You can use the fax modem, that is built into the motherboard on your computer, and send the fax down the regular phone line. It uses the same phone line, that you got connected for dial-up to use on those days, when the DSL does not work, or not work well. There are many fax programs, that you can choose from, most of them are free. With them you just pay for the long distance charges. There are others, that have a monthly fee, that use the Internet to get as close as possible to the recipient, and then fax from there, if possible at local rates. If you just send half a dozen faxes per year, just pay for he long distance. If you do fax a lot, use one of the monthly plans, that use the Internet to get close, and then fax locally. You have to get down from the cloud and into the phone network somehow. Those plans also work if you don't have a phone connection at all, just Internet via cable or fiber. However, most of those have a phone socket, to connect your house phone system to the modem. Then you can connect from the house phone system to the dial-up modem socket on your computer. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?" The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shelf Liner for Wobbly Sewing Machine Another use for rubber shelf liner is to place a scrap piece under your sewing machine. This is handy and keeps my sewing machine from moving while I'm using it. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. That student got back his test and $64 change.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall." "Yeah", replies the Yankee, "Our trains are a lot faster than that."

» Cute Critters







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Can you run DSL and Fax on the same phone line? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, November 2

Remember that bonehead award a couple of days ago, for a 
drunk, half naked Ohio mother of three kids, who led police 
on a high speed chase and had to be stopped with spikes?

She got on tape with a half hour vile abuse rant against the 
arresting officer. She called him “nigger” at least 15 times, 
according to the NSFW clip. She also repeatedly called the cop 
a “bitch” and said he was “stupid as fuck.” All at very high
volume and a hate-filled voice. 

She had been driving drunk on a suspended license,
and was actually wearing an ankle bracelet that monitors 
alcohol intake, when she was nabbed by Bainbridge cops.
Her rap sheet includes two prior DUI collars.

Sounds like punishment for previous incidents was not 
sufficient for her to smarten up. It is drunks like her, who
are the reason for "Three times and you are out for life"
laws, that are gradually spreading from California to
other states.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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please donate what you can!

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Yep, bin Laden & Muammar Gaddafi are dead There is finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead. Yesterday, they both registered to vote in Chicago.
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Karen henry, 45 in Palm Coast, Florida Woman Attacks Dad for Not Giving Her Potato Salad PALM COAST, Fla (CBS Tampa) — A Florida woman was arrested after allegedly attacking her father because he wouldn’t give her his potato salad. Flagler County authorities charged Karen Henry with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon for the Oct. 22 incident. According to police reports obtained by CBS Tampa, Henry became enraged when her 80-year-old father told her that she could not have his potato salad while he was eating dinner. Karen became very angry that she could not have the potato salad and began throwing and breaking items,” a report obtained by The Daytona Beach News-Journal states. “[She] then grabbed a large kitchen knife and began threatening [her father] with it.” According to the report, the elderly man grabbed a chair to defend himself so he could call authorities. Police say that while they were transporting Henry, she began complaining of abdominal pain. After her treatment at Florida Hospital Flagler, deputies overheard her on the phone asking her father to drop the charges. Another charge of tampering with a victim was added against her. She was then transported to the Flagler County Inmate Facility. She is being held there without bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Fred Re: DSL and Fax Dear Webby Can I run a fax machine on the same line as the DSL ? Thanks Fred Dear Fred Certainly! DSL or ADSL is just a very high frequency "fuzz" put onto the voice frequency phone line. Imagine a picture of a sine wave that is a bit fuzzy. The sine wave is still perfectly recognizable, and the fuzz can be cleaned off by the phone or fax machine with the same filter that cleans up the power line hum and static. The DSL filter does the opposite. It dumps the slow, voice and fax frequency stuff, and only passes through the very high frequency "fuzz". To the DSL modem, only the high frequency is usable data, and it sends it on to the computer's newtwork card. The phone or the fax machine don't care what the DSL modem does, and the DSL modem does not see or hear any of the phone stuff. Phones ringing, fax machines beeping or sending is the same to it as static is totally ignored by the DSL modem. The DSL splitter will give you two lines, one to the DSL modem, and one to phones, fax and the phone line modem built into the computer. You can use that phone line modem to dial up the old-fashioned way, when your fancy DSL fails. You do that with the built in, internal modem. That same built in internal modem also allows you to use WinFax or any computer based fax program to "print" to somebody else's fax machine. You pay long distance charges, the same as if you used a stand-alone fax machine, without actually having to buy a fax machine. That uses the phone side of the split phone line. The DSL modem uses the high frequency side of the split phone line. There is no conflict at all. Have FUN! DearWebby
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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shelf Liner for Wobbly Sewing Machine Another use for rubber shelf liner is to place a scrap piece under your sewing machine. This is handy and keeps my sewing machine from moving while I'm using it. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up? Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went. Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!" Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went. Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up? Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went. Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove a point." Across the street was a Women Store. The first floor was labeled: "These women have adequate size boobs, never say no, are loyal and decent cooks." Nobody knows what is on the upper floors. It seems, men are always too hungry to worry about those floors.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

» Skyscraper City







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Noise cancelling ear phones 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, November 1

Already got two additions for the list of tunes.
I will post an update once a month, and probably make a 
fixed look-up page linked from the side menu.

If you come across a better version of any of the tunes
listed, don't be shy and send it to me! With many of them,
people had just suggested the titles and I had to find an
example. I have a hunch, in a lot of instances, I did not
luck into the best possible version.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

Don't just count your years, make your years count. --- Ernest Meyers
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me what state it's in."
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

A Sunday school teacher was trying to teach her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Amanda Confer, 24 and Randell Peterson, 32 Couple Faces Criminal Raps For Sex On City Bus OCTOBER 25--A Pennsylvania couple is facing an assortment of criminal charges for having sex on a city bus, carnal activity that was captured by the vehicle’s surveillance camera. According to a police criminal complaint, Amanda Confer, 24, boarded the bus on a Friday afternoon in late-August. She was “accompanied by her infant daughter,” a detective reported. Also riding the bus through Montoursville that day were “Pre-release inmates” Randell Peterson and Joshua Schill. The men were part of a work release program that allows inmates to come and go from the county jail at specified times. Investigators allege that Confer and Peterson, 32, sat next to each other in the rear of the bus, with Schill sitting in front of them. Before the illicit action commenced, however, Confer “turned over her infant daughter” to Schill, who apparently served as babysitter/lookout during the subsequent rendezvous. In short order, Confer and Peterson (pictured in the above mug shots) moved from hugging and kissing to oral sex (which was provided by Confer). “After a couple of minutes of oral sex,” Detective Alberto Diaz reported, Confer “lowered her underwear” and, “upon sitting on” Peterson’s lap, “both defendants proceeded to have sexual intercourse for several minutes.” Shortly after the tryst ended, Peterson and Schill exited the bus together, while Confer continued to ride on with her daughter. No humans noticed that day, but since the “aforementioned acts were captured by surveillance equipment,” investigators were able to identify Confer and Peterson as suspects. In an interview late last month with a Lycoming County detective, Confer copped to the bus sex. During a September 30 interview at the county jail, Peterson also confessed to the illegal automotive interlude. Confer and Peterson were charged earlier this month with conspiracy, indecent exposure, open lewdness, and disorderly conduct. They are scheduled for a November 4 preliminary hearing in Magisterial District Court. On her Facebook page, Confer refers to herself as “Randel’s Wifey.” ---------- They should have used a blanket or curtain, so as not to make the video inspector blush!
From the Tech Support Pits: From Manda Re: noise cancelling earphones Dear Webby, I took the advice you gave to Ellen, and raised a ruckus at the computer store. I had already bought a standard monitor, after you sent me to PriceGrabber a few months ago, and still had the print-outs. The monitor I got turned out to be even better than the print-outs, and I am quite happy with it. I feel sorry for all the sheep, who paid good money for the rejects, that were sold as "wide screen". So, since I had a bone to pick with them about something else, I called them a bunch of @#$% Liars and slapped down my print-outs. You made my day, SIR! The sawed off sheep monitors might be OK for Farmville and short emails, but are a useless nuisance for serious work. I am sure glad we got you to protect us from the con artists! Now I have a question about head sets. What is the straight scoop about "noise cancelling earphones"? Thanks Manda Dear Manda In theory, noise cancelling head sets subtract ambient noise electronically from what the microphone picks up. In reality, unless you buy an outrageously priced DJ set, you get a bit of messy leakage through a cross-over resistor in the in-line volume control gadget, and some foam cover on the microphone. Plus fancy wordage in the advertising, of course. Since the in-line volume control usually stops working after a year or less, and needs to get bypassed, you have an excellent opportunity to hear how little effect that cross-over leakage had in eliminating ambient noise. The same goes for the foam cover of the microphone. When it wears out or gets lost, just replace it with a finger fo a knit kid's glove. Chances are, it does a better job than the original foam. When selecting headsets, look for large, comfortable ear pieces, preferably with fine leather or satin covered cups. Foam or velvet will feel uncomfortable a lot quicker. As long as the cups are large and comfortable, you will cheerfully put up with other imperfections, but if they are not comfortable, you will get very critical very quickly. Have FUN! DearWebby
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One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook a lot better now."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Smash Nuts for Baking Do you ever need finely crushed nuts in your recipe, but only have whole walnuts in your cupboard? No problem! An easy way I discovered to crush the nuts is to place them on a large sheet of wax paper, fold the wax paper over the top of the nuts and use a rolling pin to crush the nuts, pushing down and rolling. No mess, no fuss, and easy! By Linn from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all." The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Tech Support: "OK, Jose, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Programs." Jose: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Jose." Jose: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P', on your keyboard, Jose." Jose: "I'm not going to do that!" Tech Support: "Jose, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a bit. One of the other techs here needs to have an emergency hernia transplant."

» Pooch Parade







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Ponderables 

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks and months.

Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?

In the ‘60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Don't worry about old age -- it doesn't last that long.




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Some Halloween Limericks 

Wanda the witch, on her broom
swept through the town yelling "ZOOM!"
through a perchance of luck
never heard the big truck
and she zoomed on her broom to her doom.


"Gentlemen please, all be seated,
I don't want this to be repeated,
I've gathered you here
to announce, with a tear:
I've never once been trick or treated!"


A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet!


A werewolf was skinny, a freak
with a huge gummy grin he did speak
so, never eat French
coz, as well as the stench
your teeth will fall out in a week!


I'm sorry, I know it's my fault
my Halloween sins I should halt
but the neighbours' kids here
pissed me off for a year
so I laced all their candy with salt!


Dracula wailed to the sky
"My job really sucks" was his cry
"bloody paychecks
and I'm so sick of necks
what I'd like is a nice apple pie!"


An Egyptian prince was a dummy
drank too much, became a rummy
when the grim reaper came
and called out his name
he cried and he wailed for his Mummy!


Yesterday I met a priest
he was sitting enjoying a feast
when I questioned his conscience
he said "stuff and nonsense"
and gave me the sign of the beast.


Folks who hate folks make me grin
they're such lovely people within
we don't need walpurgis
the truth it should urge us
we're all skeletons, covered with skin.


Tricking and treating's a prank
but somebody really should thank
the Gods for the candy
to dentists it's dandy
they laugh all the way to the bank!




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Relaxing Music poll results 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, October 31

Happy Halloween!
Leave some of the candy for the monsters!


OK, here, as promised, is the music suggested by subscribers.
Even the very worst one, if there actually IS a worst one,
is a thousand times better than the moronic screeching produced
by the British "scientists". They got about as close as they did
with their Gullible Warming insanity.

OK, here is the list, alphabetically:
Music                           Suggested by
1		Acker Bilk		-	Mare
2		Acker Bilk, On the Shore		-	Hanna
3		Aeoliah's "Angel Love"		-	Jim
4		Andra Bocelli et sa fille-Abad		-	Funk
5		Bach:  Toccata & Fugue in D minor, S. 565		-	Ric
6		Bach: Cantata, BWV 147, Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring		-	Margee
7		Bach: Toccata & Fugue in F major, S. 540		-	Ric
8		Bach's air on a G string		-	Jacqui
9		Beethoven Symphony no. 6 in F major 'pastoral'		-	David
10		Beethoven-Fur Elise		-	Elsie (Not Elise)
11		Beethoven's Concerto #5		-	Jim
12		Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata		-	Jim
13		Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata		-	Melanie
14		Beethoven's Sixth Symphony		-	Richard
15		Butterworth's "Banks of Green Willow"		-	David
16		Christopher Cross 'Sailing'		-	Carl
17		Christopher Cross's Cool Change		-	Mellie
18		Claire de Lune         by DeBussy		-	David
19		Dances With Wolves" The John Dunbar Theme		-	Barbara
20		Eddy Arnold Country		-	Cora
21		Ferde Grof‚ - Grand Canyon Suite - III. On the Trail		-	David
22		Ferde Grof‚ - Grand Canyon Suite - V. Cloudburst		-	David
23		Fleetwood Mac Albatross		-	jacqui
24		Gheorghe Zamfir - Lonely Shepherd		-	Dianne
25		Greensleeves		-	Dianne
26		Handel:  Water Music Suites		-	Ric
27		Intermezzo" from Cavalleria Rusticano		-	Cay
28		Johann Pachelbel Canon in D Major		-	Dianne
29		K.D. Lang's Hallejujah		-	Eric
30		Mantovanni: Elizabethan Serenade		-	Dianne
31		Moonlight Sonata    by Beethoven		-	David
32		Mozart's Requiem in D minor   		-	Nofries
33		Mozart-The Marriage of Figaro		-	Anna
34		O Mio Babbino Caro", from Puccini's "Gianni Schicchi"		-	Bill
35		On the Moldau by Smetana		-	David
36		Osamu Kitajima: The Source		-	Ki
37		Pachelbel's Canon in D Major		-	Ruth
38		Pachelbel's Canon in D Major		-	Margee
39		Ravel's Bolero		-	Earl
40		ROSSINI William Tell: Call to the Cows		-	Carl
41		Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings, op.11. Uncut		-	Richard
42		Schubert - Ave Maria		-	Nan
43		Schubert - Ave Maria sung by Bocelli		-	Barb
44		Schubert - Ave Maria sung by Pavarotti		-	Frank
45		Schubert's Serenade		-	Nina
46		Sibelius Finlandia		-	Tom
47		Song of Peace (Be Still My Soul)       from Finlandia by Sibelius		-	David
48	not on the net yet	Spencer Lewis recordings from Bethel, Vermont.		-	Dee
49		Sri Chinmoy		-	Mandy
50		StarsEnd		-	Cathi
51		Strauss - Radetzky March		-	DearWebby
52		Strauss Blue Danube Waltz		-	Fran
53		Strauss Farandole March		-	Alice
54		Strauss Kaiser Waltz		-	Frank
55		Strauss Vienna Waltz		-	Oscar
56		Strauss WienerWald		-	Ellie
57		Sunrise from the Peer Gynt		-	David
58		Swan Lake    by Tchaikovsky		-	David
59		Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake Waltz		-	Carol
60		The Moldau by Bedrich Smetana		-	Jean
61		Zen Radio		-	Ogden

It looks like Bach, Beethoven, Shubert and Strauss are definite favorites.

Let's keep this going!
If you come across something really nice to listen to, 
send me the URL, and I will add it, and every now and then,
I will post the updated list.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. --- Mickey Mantle There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it. --- George Bernard Shaw
A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said, 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said, 'Lord if you're out there, please hand me the broom'.
Thanks to Grace for painting this picture: Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Erin Holdsworth, 28 in Auburn, Ohio Drunk and topless An Ohio woman appeared in court on Wednesday to answer to charges of leading police on a high-speed chase while allegedly drunk -- and definitely topless. The Daily Mail reports that officers in Auburn Township tried to pull over a car that was being driven erratically. Instead, the driver stepped on the gas as police gave chase at speeds of up to 128mph. Police eventually used spike-strips to blow out the tires, forcing the driver to pull over. And when the driver, 28-year-old Erin Holdsworth, stumbled out of her car with her hands in the air, cops were stunned -- she was wearing nothing more than a g-string, fishnet stockings and tennis shoes. Video shows that when they put her in the back of the squad car, Holdsworth became combative, kicking the glass partition between the seats. She is charged with operating a vehicle impaired (OVI), refusing a blood alcohol test, fleeing and eluding, criminal damage, driving under a suspended license, speeding and reckless operation.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Ellen Re: Wide monitor Dear Webby, I need a new monitor, and don't like the wide ones. The salesman at our local computer store told me, that the "antique" version is no longer available, "not even for old people", and tried to make me look stupid in front of my friends. Somehow I don't think he is right, and remember you saying, that regular monitor are still available. Ellen Dear Ellen Find out when that store is the busiest, then go there and call that lying idiot a #$%& LIAR, in front of everybody. STANDARD, 4:3 monitors are available all over the place. They are not antique, they are STANDARD in the business world. Industry and commerce don't put up with the lies of idiots, and they get exactly what they need. If you go to PriceGrabber, you can get 4:3 monitors for less than what the liars charge for sawed off wide-screen monitors. I use a Lenovo, that I am quite happy with, but I have seen DELL and HP and IBM and SUN monitors, that were just as good. Their profit margins are higher with the sawed off "wide screen" monitors, but if you need a standard monitor for working, insist on getting what you need, not what some lyiing loudmouth tries to con you into getting. Don't let them intimidate you! Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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A lady said to her friend, "My birthday is coming up and when people ask me what I want, I can't think anything." Her friend said, "I love giving homemade gifts. Which one of my children would you like?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing Candles If you have warped candles, dunk them in a pan of warm water to make them pliable enough to bend back straight. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was. Tyrone said, "Dis here is a subpeena." "Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked. "Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin for 'penis', so - 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

» Vintage Weenie







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Blame 

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time
Capitalism
Was Blamed For Problems Caused By The
Government
I Would Be A Fat Film Maker
With A Baseball Cap



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Screaming computer 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, October 30

Recommendations for relaxing tunes are still coming in.
One more day, then I will post the list.

The snow sure is coming down on the mountains. They are
all white now, and it doesn't warm up in daytime. I am still
hoping for a good Chinook, though, to blow away the leaves.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. --- Socratex No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. --- Socratex Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance. --- Socratex
One day, Gramma sent her grandson, Little Johnny, down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran all the way back to Gramma's house and into the kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. A frightened Little Johnny stammered, "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma. There's a BIG old alligator down there!" Gramma said, "Now, don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him." "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

Thanks to Beth for this story: I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients. One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
Thanks to Karolyn for this picture: Click through for the large version. When the Moose got the beer...
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Camerin Marie Britton, 25, Stolen Credit Card Used To Send Money To Jailed Boyfriend A Rogers woman was arrested for allegedly using a credit card belonging to a resident of the retirement community where she worked. Rogers Police arrested Camerin Marie Britton, 25, on Wednesday on charges of Fraudulent Use of a Credit Card, Theft of Property, and Abuse of an Endangered or Impaired Person. Britton is accused of using a credit card belonging to a resident of the Apple Blossom Retirement community on N. 22nd and sending more than $600 to her fiance who is incarcerated in Missouri. Britton WAS a health care worker at the retirement facility until her arrest.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Rick Re: Screaming computer Dear Webby, I had left an old computer at the cabin, so that I could use it for downloading pictures from the camera and burning them onto a CD. Wen we got to the cabin and I turned on the computer, instead of the familiar fan noises there was the most godawful screaching and screaming, like a cat was inside it and slowly getting sliced into little pieces by the fans. I turned it off and took the side cover off, but all I saw in there, aside from the circuit boards and drives, were dust bunnies. What wold cause that awful noise? Rick Dear Rick When the frozen machine starts up, the thin film of grease in the fan bearings gets pushed along into micro dunes that look like miniature fish scales under the microcope. Just like any old grease, it retains the stickiness that is intended to keep it on the job, but it loses it's lubricating qualities and creaks like an old outhouse door. The high speed creaking is what you heard and thought was an animal screaming in pain. Naturally that does not prolong the usable lifetime of that fan. Some of the more modern computers and power supplies don't turn on the fans until there is actual need for cooling. On older equipment, you have to either put up with the screaming for a bit, or else wait until the cabin and the computer warm up. The innards of the computer will come up to room temperature faster if you take the side cover off. Have FUN! DearWebby
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On her way back from the concession stand, Kendra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?" Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did." Kendra nodded. "Oh, good. Then this is my row."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing Candles If you have warped candles, dunk them in a pan of warm water to make them pliable enough to bend back straight. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to take them all in and have them repaired. On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella. Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus. The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas. When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman. She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?" ------------- That reminds me of an umbrella experience I had in Vancouver in the early 70's. It rains a lot in Vancouver, but I was new and was caught downtown in a real downpour. I ducked into the entranceway at Sears to escape the worst. While standing there I was idly reading the list of departments and the floors they were on. "Lost and Found Floor 12" caught my eye. So I went up there and asked if they had found my umbrella. "A black one ?" she asked. "Uh, yeah, a black one." I replied. "Telescoping or Gent?" "Uh, Gent." I figured, a hippie like me would naturally carry a gentleman's straight umbrella, not a weird one that might require readig instructions. The lady behind the counter groaned and left. A minute later she came back with a huge armload of black umbrellas. "Take your pick!" She didn't say anything about trying to find mine, just to take my pick. I did. The second one was perfect. No pinholes, smooth action, no rust specks, fine leather handle. Just as I was about to say something that it might be the right one, the lady told me: "Take a couple of spares. I got truckloads of them back there and hate carrying these back there again." I felt so sorry for her, I took the whole armload that she had dumped onto the counter. That made her smile ! Outside again, I gave a couple to the Hare Krishnas who were chanting in the rain and dancing like old drunks who had not noticed that the music had stopped. Then I spotted a mother with a baby carriage, so I ran after her and gave one to her and one to the kid. I had a great time, until I realized that I had given away ALL of the umbrellas. Back at Sears I told the lady at the Lost and Found the truth, and we had a good laugh about it. During the second armload the rain lessened and stopped and when the sun broke through the clouds, I was stuck with one umbrella. Since I felt silly carrying an umbrella when it didn't rain, I left it on the bus.

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Small Town Life 

"My father is mayor of the town right now. It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. They elected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth caller" - Jake Johansen



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75 Questions 

An old proverb says, “He that cannot ask cannot live”. If you want answers you have to ask questions. These are 75 questions you should ask yourself and try to answer. You can ask yourself these questions right now and over the course of your life.


1. Why not me?

2. Am I nice?

3. Am I doing what I really want to do?

4. What am I grateful for?

5. What’s missing in my life?

6. Am I honest?

7. Do I listen to others?

8. Do I work hard?

9. Do I help others?

10. What do I need to change about myself?

11. Have I hurt others?

12. Do I complain?

13. What’s next for me?

14. Do I have fun?

15. Have I seized opportunities?

16. Do I care about others?

17. Do I spend enough time with my family?

18. Am I open-minded?

19. Have I seen enough of the world?

20. Do I judge others?

21. Do I take risks?

22. What is my purpose?

23. What is my biggest fear?

24. How can I conquer that fear?

25. Do I thank people enough?

26. Am I successful?

27. What am I ashamed of?

28. Do I annoy others?

29. What are my dreams?

30. Am I positive?

31. Am I negative?

32. Is there an afterlife?

33. Does everything happen for a reason?

34. What can I do to change the world?

35. What is the most foolish thing I’ve ever done?

36. Am I cheap?

37. Am I greedy?

38. Who do I love?

39. Who do I want to meet?

40. Where do I want to go?

41. What am I most proud of?

42. Do I care what others think about me?

43. What are my talents?

44. Do I utilize those talents?

45. What makes me happy?

46. What makes me sad?

47. What makes me angry?

48. Am I satisfied with my appearance?

49. Am I healthy?

50. What was the toughest time in my life?

51. What was the easiest time in my life?

52. Am I selfish?

53. What was the craziest thing I did?

54. What is the craziest thing I want to do?

55. Do I procrastinate?

56. What is my greatest regret?

57. What has had the greatest impact on my life?

58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?

59. Do I stand up for myself?

60. Have I settled for mediocrity?

61. Do I hold grudges?

62. Do I read enough?

63. Do I listen to my heart?

64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate?

65. Do I pray only when I want something?

66. Do I constantly dwell on the past?

67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?

68. Do I forgive myself?

69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”?

70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me?

71. Do I smile more than I frown?

72. Do I surround myself with good people?

73. Do I take time out for myself?

74. Do I ask enough questions?

75. What other questions do I have?




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Mysterious Email Bounces 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, October 29

Recommendations for relaxing tunes are still coming in.
Two more days, then I will post the list.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

"You don't have to hold a position in order to be a leader." --- Anthony J. D'Angelo "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --- Gene Hill "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --- Rita Rudner
Thanks to Colin for bringing back this classic: Country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.. 1. A Bible 2. A silver dollar 3. A bottle of whiskey 4. And a Playboy magazine 'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. 'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. He is going to go into politics!
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my service stars and battle ribbons, and explained that I got them, because I had killed people, who did not behave."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Latasha Webb, 22, and William "Chino" Schulz, 17 in Kissimmee, Florida Pizza Robbers arrestedLeft their dope in motel fridge KISSIMMEE, Fla., Oct. 27 (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said they arrested a couple who attempted to check back into their motel room an hour after leaving because they forgot their crack. The Osceola County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called to the Rodeway Inn on West U.S. Highway 192 near Kissimmee before lunch Tuesday when cleaning staff discovered several bags of crack cocaine in a room's freezer, the Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday. Deputies said the manager received a call from the room's former occupant while they were investigating, saying "she was on her way back to the hotel and wanted to pay for one more night and stay in the same room." Latasha Webb, 22, and William "Chino" Schulz, 17, were arrested upon returning to the motel. The arrest report said Webb told deputies "Chino sells crack cocaine and they both forgot the crack cocaine when they checked out of the room." Webb and Schulz were charged with possession of cocaine with intent to sell and possession of drug paraphernalia.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Marsha Re: Mysterious mail bounces Dear Webby Rob, my oldest and blondest brother, thinks he is so smart that he can improve on the way I set the mail up for him. Right now, he told me on the phone, he can mail out to anybody, but if he tries to reply or forward, he gets bounces. What did he do now ? And what do you recommend? Thanks Marsha Dear Marsha Most likely he has his mail set to "Send a copy to self" for forwards and replies. And because he doesn't read his own copies of the replies and forwards anyway, he has himself blocked with some spam control program. He should either take the checkmark off "Send a copy to self", or else stop blocking mail from himself. My recommendation is a diet that includes lots of Smarties. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young man who goes to a girl's house to pick her up for their first date. She shows him into the living room, then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them drinks. Looking around the room, the fellow notices a little vase on the mantel. He picks it up to examine it, and as he is looking at it, she walks back in. "What's this?" he asks her. "Oh," she says, "my father's ashes are in there." The young man turns beet red and is speechless as he gently sets the vase back on the mantle. "Yeah," the girl says, "he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing Candles If you have warped candles, dunk them in a pan of warm water to make them pliable enough to bend back straight. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, that causes more pain and suffering than any other product, and yet we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. I don't drink and don't play golf, but find those topics easy to joke about.

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Comcast spam problems 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, October 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Recommendations for relaxing tunes are still coming in.
I will post the list at the end of the month.

You can also go to http://accuradio.com
and pick a channel, that you like, for example Blue Grass or
Country or Classic or whatever you like. They are all free.
Then you can rudely BAN any nervous screecher and tune 
YOUR channel to YOUR taste. If you ban an artist, you will never 
hear that one again. 

You can also SKIP pieces, if you think that artist has other
stuff, that is good enough. That does not ban the artist.

In FireFox AccuRadio has a special tab at the left margin. 
There is no need to frantically wade through your 95 open tabs
to hunt for it for pausing it, when you get a Skype call or
when the boss wants to ask you something. That tiniy but 
special tab is always at the left margin.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. --- Dudley Moore
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around smart people."
YOU can do it! Make Money By Giving Away The Best Membership Software. Make 50% On All Product & Membership Sales. Super Easy To Make Money Because All You Have To Do Is Give Away Our Free Software. This Is A Massive Opportunity Of Making big bucks Every Month. CAUTION: You have to actually do it, not just envy those, who do it! It is a very low investment, and easy to do. YOU can do it!

At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Rodrekus Woods, 26, Anthony Lewis, 22, and Laddarian Hardy, 21. all from Forestdale, AL Pizza Robbers arrested Three men from Forestdale have been arrested for robbing a pizza delivery man at gunpoint according to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office. The delivery man was directed to a false address in Forestdale in the 800 block of Forestwood Lane around 9:45 p.m. Oct. 23. When the delivery man arrived, he realized the address he had been given for the order did not exist. He then received a phone call to his cell phone that told him he had gone to the wrong address and should go around the corner of Forestwood Lane and Forestwood Drive to deliver the pizza. The pizza delivery man found the alleged customer in the 1500 block of Forestwood Lane and as he got closer, two other men came from behind and held him at gunpoint. The three men took the delivery man's wallet and the pizzas. The victim left the scene, returned to the pizza store and called 911. Jefferson County Sheriff's Deputies responded to the report and observed several males standing near a car in the 600 block of Forestwood Road, in the area where the robbery occurred. When deputies approached, the men ran inside a residence. Deputies brought the men from the house back to the driveway and observed a pizza box in the back of one of the cars parked in the driveway. After searching the car, deputies found that the pizza box in the car belonged to the same order that was placed as part of the robbery. They also discovered a handgun. Three suspects were identified as the robbers and were charged with first-degree robbery: Rodrekus Woods, 26, Anthony Lewis, 22, and Laddarian Hardy, 21. They are all from Forestdale. They were taken to jail with bonds of $25,000 each.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana Re: Comcast Spam Dear Webby, Both of us use a web based email. My sister, who gets all the spam, uses Comcast, and I use gmail. Will mail washer work for web based emails? I have tried Eudora which is ok but I like gmail web just fine. I have made filters for incoming mail to go into different folders when they come in. Haven't figure out how to do it on Comcast email. Diana PS Sorry to be such a pest, but you are so smart and I like to pick your brain when needed Dear Diana MailWasher works just fine with Gmail, and Eudora, of course. I don't see why it would not work with Comcast, after all, it's just another email address. MailWasher looks at the mail on the server, and washes it there, before you use the email program of your choice to work on it. You can even wash the mail on a whole bunch of addresses from the receptionist machine every hour on the hour, and then have a dozen or more people haul in their mail at five minutes past the hour. That method is popular at clinics, that have a big herd of doctors, who don't have time to clean their mail. Naturally, it makes absolutely no difference what email program each of them use, as long as the person, who is the guardian of the mail, uses MailWasher. Everybody else just sees their mail as usual, except with all the spam cleaned out. Comcast is a bit weird. They don't really understand mail or spam, and jump to some really wacky confusions. They censor legitimate mail but let really obvious spam go through. You definitely need MailWasher, if you have a comcast address. And if your daughter likes AngelWinks.net postcards, don't expect a birthday or Christmas card. Comcast will most likely block it. There is a lot of mail coming from that site, ya know. Have FUN! DearWebby
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During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Garden Organizer Bucket Idea Four gallon square buckets fit inside five gallon round buckets. By putting the square one inside the round one, you have a center place for your potting soil and small spaces for the gardening implements and garden stakes. The four gallon diameter is 9 15/16 inches and the diameter of the five gallon is 11 inches approximately. You may have to play around with the different sizes, but if you have two at home that you can try out, why not? This would also work with boots in the center and umbrellas around the edges, tall and short dried flowers, or anything you want to keep handy and don't want to dig around for. Hope this helps! By Poor But Proud from Sweet Home, OR http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
At the end of the semester, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Bob for this story: My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"

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My Wife 

GoAnimate.com: Wife Is Mad At Me by 3bneil

Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com. It's free and fun!



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Definition 

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc’-ra-cy)
- a system of government where the least capable to lead
are elected by the least capable of producing,
and where the members of society least likely
to sustain themselves or succeed,
are rewarded with goods and services paid for
by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.




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Solution for saving private files off a work machine 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, October 26

More recommendations for relaxing tunes came in today,
and a number of rather unflattering comments about
those "scientists" in England.
 
So far Beethoven seems to be in the lead.
Let's keep this going and see if there is a pattern.
I will post the list at the end of the month.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson The only cure for grief is action. --- George Henry Lewes
From Anna Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
NOW the link works! Sorry about that.
If you have an iPad and wonder, how you can use more than 1% of it's capabilities, then you need this book!

A spammer had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Dorothy O'Neil, 37, of Haverhill, MA Drunk woman asks for directions, ends up in jail A Haverhill woman is facing serious drug charges after asking a police officer for directions. Dorothy O'Neil, 37, of 285 North Broadway, first floor, was charged with operating under the influence of alcohol, illegal possession of prescription medication and trafficking in cocaine. O'Neil was being held at the Methuen Police Station on $5,000 cash bail pending her arraignment in Lawrence District Court tomorrow. Methuen police Lt. Jim Jajuga Jr. said O'Neil approached Sgt. Stephen Debs at about 11:30 a.m. Friday in the parking lot of Jacksons Restaurant at 478 Lowell St. and asked him for directions. "He (Debs) suspected that she had been drinking, based on the way she was operating her vehicle and the fact he detected a strong odor of alcohol on her. She was slurring her words," Jajuga said. "She kept taking her sunglasses on and off, and Sgt. Debs noticed her eyes were watery and bloodshot. He called for assistance and Officer Shaun Cronin arrived on the scene," he said. O'Neil was placed under arrest after admitting to having several shots of Malibu Rum earlier in the morning and failing field sobriety tests administered by the officers, according to Jajuga. During a inventory search of O'Neil's vehicle, the officers recovered a plastic bag containing a white powdery substance later determined to be cocaine. Jajuga estimated the street value of the 30 grams of cocaine to be $3,000. Police also discovered another clear plastic bag containing 23 prescription pills suspected of being Ativan, and a small unlabeled prescription bottle containing marijuana. O'Neil requested to be taken to the hospital and was later released and returned to the police station. Police impounded her pickup truck.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Aletta Re: Solution for saving pictures from work machine Dear Webby, Regarding the question from Mary about the pictures on her work computer, I was in the same position not long ago. All I did was email the things I needed to keep using from my work email address to my personal gmail address. Of course, since gmail is accessible anywhere all I had to do then was re-save the pictures or documents to my new computer. I don't know if this will work for her but it did for me. Aletta Dear Aletta Thanks! That is a very good suggestion. Hopefully she can sneak out to Gmail! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did. After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggres- sive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?" "Your 6 iron," says Bill.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Lint Brush To Clean Cutting Mat I do a lot of quilting. When I square up my blocks, I always have a lot of lint and little fabric pieces left on my cutting mat. I use a lint brush to get the mat fuzz free again. I also use both side of my cutting mat. By Gabriele from CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
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Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny fall day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?

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Saving pictures from the work machine 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, October 26


I got quite a few recommendations for relaxing tunes, 
but so far not a single one has shown up twice. 
However, every one of those suggestions is a number
of classes better than the crap those "scientists" 
came up with.

Let's keep this going and see if there is a pattern.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"A man may be a fool and not know it -- but not if he is married." --- H.L. Mencken The more devices we invent for dominating nature, the more we must serve them if we are to survive. --- Socratex
When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about crap for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas." The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that can out-lie Texas."
NOW the link works! Sorry about that.
If you have an iPad and wonder, how you can use more than 1% of it's capabilities, then you need this book!

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alexandrea Brooks, Atlanta, GA Woman steals 26 boxes of condoms, ovulation test Shoplifting cases are usually forgettable, but a Cobb arrest warrant issued Thursday is pregnant with intrigue. According to Cobb police, a woman identified as Alexandrea Brooks infiltrated the Walgreens at 3033 Johnson Ferry Road in Marietta and made off with 26 boxes of condoms and an ovulation test. And a box of Huggies baby wipes. Total value of paradoxical purloined prophylactics: $562.68. Walgreens workers saw Brooks enter the store Sept. 11, fill a shopping basket with condoms and march out the front door. She got into a vehicle, and the driver took off, but not before workers wrote down a tag number. Police eventually tracked down the driver, who gave police Brooks’ name. Brooks is an old hand at shoplifting, according to multiple Cobb warrants. And in 2009, she was charged with battery for head butting a man several times, causing his face and nose to swell.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mary Re: Saving pictures from work machine Dear Webby, We are getting new computers at work in about 2 weeks. Yay!!! However, not being computer savvy like some people, I don't know what to do about this problem. I have quite a few pictures saved on the computer in MY PICTURES. Is there any way to save them without too much trouble?? I am not even sure how to save them to disk, if I could. I can't use any programs to upload the pictures. Can you help me please??? Thanks. I always read and love your newsletter. mary Dear Mary Hopefully your new computers will not be Windows7, otherwise there will be lots of cussing and swearing and a lot less work getting done. Burning pictures onto CD or DVD or a removable hard drive on a work computer is generally frowned upon. From the distance, they can't tell, whether you are taking secret company data home, or whether you have used the company computer to surf the net and collect porno, or what. Since you are not allowed to upload the pictures, the only option you have is to email them to somebody like me, and I will upload them onto a site for you, so that you can save them into the new computer. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Another five minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Give Each Child Their Own Color I have four kids in my house. To make things easier, each kid has their own color (green, blue, red, pink/yellow). we have three boys and a girl. Most things come in green, blue, red, and yellow like plates, bowls, cups, tooth brushes, etc. Our only girl likes the color pink, but most of the time I can't find pink so I get her yellow. That is why her color is pink/yellow. The main reason for the color system was when the kids were done eating dinner they all wanted dessert. The rule is "you have to finish what is on your plate to get dessert". There was always one plate that was left with food still on it, but each kid said, "That's not my plate! I ate all mine!" I never knew whose it was, but with the color system, NOW I know. These days, everything in our house comes in colors. By runningonempty1971 from Columbus, OH http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose the past 2 years....!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club. "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive." "Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

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Daily picture sized for wallpaper 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, October 25

A British band and a group of scientists have made the most 
relaxing tune in the history of man, an Mp3 of which is at the 
bottom of this article.

Sound therapists and Manchester band Marconi Union compiled 
the song. Scientists played it to 40 women and found it to be more 
effective at helping them relax than songs by Enya, Mozart and 
Coldplay. Weightless

Well, personally, I think one would probably need to drink 
warm English beer, and lots of it, to find that caterwauling
relaxing. Those "scientists" seem to have been smoking the 
same rope as the ones, who cooked the stats to come up with
the Gullible Warming hoax. You listen to it, and tell me!

If you know of any piece of music, that you find the most
relaxing, please tell me, and I'll see if any one piece of
music is selected by more than one person.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. --- Mark Twain
Jill, in the personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. She sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."
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Thanks to Bob for this story: Five years after my wife and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last." She wasn't amused, but did think the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker worked."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Dale Foughty, 56 in Jacksonville, NC Flakey Spiderman JACKSONVILLE, North Carolina — A note to would-be crooks channeling their favorite superheroes: Just because you're wearing the mask, it doesn't mean you have super powers. Authorities in North Carolina say a sword-wielding bandit wearing a Spider-Man mask walked into a convenience store Wednesday morning and demanded money. The Onslow County Sheriff's Office says the clerk pulled out a broom and poked the suspect in the stomach. A second clerk joined in the struggle. When he was overpowered, the two women were able to rip off his mask, as well as part of his ponytail.The Sheriff's deputies found him at a nearby home. “The suspect had shaved off his hair,” the release said. “His hair was all over the table in the living room, but the suspect was unable to get rid of the lumps on his head that were left by the broom handles. “It was quite noticeable … that he was very sore as a result of his encounter with the store clerks.” Fifty-six-year-old Dale Foughty faces several charges. He is jailed under $10,000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Richard Re: Picture for wallpaper Webby -- Thanks for making my day fun -- every day! Do you have a larger format version of today's photo available? If so, I'd like to use if for wallpaper on my screen. Thanks again! Richard Dear Richard Click through the picture, just like it says underneath. You will get the standard wallpaper size of 1024x768 If you use a higher resolution, Windows will adjust it from the standard wallpaper size. Have FUN! DearWebby
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"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We don't carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted geranium?" "No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Season Frozen French Fries To spice up frozen french fries, open the bag and add salt, pepper, paprika and garlic powder into the bag. Give the bag a quick shake and bake. The fries are coated evenly and taste better than the plain ones. It's fast and easy. If the bag is a resealable one, wash the bag and it can be reused for something else later. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner. The food starts on the next page."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Vinny for this story: I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a LOT more than that!"

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