Dear Webby, dubious WORD update requests 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Dec 26, 2007 Happy St Walmart's Day!
Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know. --- Cullen Hightower
A man got on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the driver. Then the man says, "Okay, then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irritated driver says to the man, "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there would be a difference?" And the man said, "Well, it's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
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An old man sitting on the nursing home porch turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Winter days like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?" "Heck No", says the other fellow, "I don't even remember the LAST time...."

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Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst replied, "Who listens?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to authorities who did not arrest man for aiding and abetting Who is more crooked? December 21, 2007 - Orange County, Florida - WFTV A suspected car thief on the run from Orange County deputies paid a man $50 to hide in his home. Authorities said a 15-year-old and 21-year-old Calvin Pryor stole a car and ditched it on Glen Eagle Drive in Pine Hills on Tuesday night. Pryor was caught and investigators found the teenager hiding in a bed in the house. Deputies said Pryor paid Steve Bolling the cash for the use of his home as a hideout, but Bolling's housemate alerted investigators. Bolling was not charged. The two suspects were taken to the Orange County jail. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/14903931/detail.html
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: David Re: Unexpected WORD update nagger Dear Webby Four Quick Things 1) Merry Christmas to you too. I hope you and your family are doing well. 2) Love the new picture of the Express Empress. I clicked on the link just to show my support for that one. :-) 3) Now a Tech Question. When I go to some web sites, I get a pop up that tries to upgrade my Microsoft Word program. Of course I don't let it, but I was wondering if this was some type of spyware they are trying to download or what? 4) Thanks for another great year of the Humor Letter. David Dear David I still have MS WORD on my computer, though I don't use it any more since I upgraded to Open Office. However, I have never seen any nagger about upgrading MS WORD. Since that nagger, that you refer to, only appears when you go to certain web sites, I would suspect those certain web sites of trying to infect your computer. To be absolutely sure, though, I would do a full update with the Windows updater. Just make sure IE7 doesn't slither in amongst the security updates. When you do a full update it will analyze what you got and what you need. It IS possible that you missed some security update. Once you have made sure you got everything that you need, then you know that any further nagger is malicious. What sites produce that nagger? Have FUN! DearWebby

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The old cowboy was dying and his young grandson was visiting at his bedside. "Grandpapa, can you tell me one thing?" "Yes son, what do want to know," said the old cowboy. "Grandpapa, how did you live so long?" "Well, son," the cowboy said in a dry raspy voice, from too many hard winters in the Texas panhandle, "You just sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning and you'll live for a long, long time." The young man faithfully did what his Grandpapa told him and he lived to be 93, had 14 kids, 28 grand kids, 53 great grand kids and a twenty five foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Deeli's Kudos December 25, 2007 - Ashland, Oregon - AP Thanks to Cookie for this Kudo Chet Fitch, known for his sense of humor, died in October at age 88 but gave his friends and family a start recently: Christmas cards, 34 of them, began arriving, written in his hand with a return address of "Heaven." The greeting read: "I asked Big Guy if I could sneak back and send some cards. At first he said no; but at my insistence he finally said, 'Oh well, what the heaven, go ahead but don't (tarry) there.' Wish I could tell you about things here but words cannot explain. "Better get back as Big Guy said he stretched a point to let me in the first time, so I had better not press my luck. I'll probably be seeing you (some sooner than you think). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Chet Fitch" The mailing was a joke Fitch worked on for two decades with his barber, Patty Dean, 57. She told the Ashland Daily Tidings this week that he kept updating the mailing list and giving her extra money when postal rates went up. This fall, she said, Fitch looked up to her from the chair and said, "You must be getting tired of waiting to mail those cards, I think you'll probably be able to mail them this year." Fitch passed away a week later.

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve1223empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Egg Nog French Toast I added whipped eggs to quite a bit of eggnog and made LOTS of French toast, which I then froze 4 slices to the bag for later consumption. It can be warmed with a double trip through a toaster or on medium heat in a microwave oven. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hot Air Balloons
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby, Win Mail corrupt 

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Merry Christmas, ! Monday, Dec 25, 2007
Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do. ---Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Thanks to Cookie for sending these links as her Christmas gift to you: Beautiful-Illusions Amazing-3D-Wall-Paintings Underground-Soviet-Submarine-Base Painted-Rock-Art Indian-Drug-Store Shopping-Overseas
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Thanks to Walter for the Classic Hippopotamus for Christmas And the story that goes with it: written in 1950, in 1953 the recording, sung by a 10 year old, was used as a fundraiser for the St. Louis zoo, they raised enough to buy a hippo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Want_a_H ... _Christmas

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My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started." Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a scroogy ex-garbage collector in Jackson, Michigan Scrooge December 22, 2007 - Jackson, Michigan - AP An ex-garbage collector made his way through one of his former routes, stealing holiday cards filled with tip money and even cookies meant for other trash collectors. Jackson County sheriff's Sgt. Bryan Huttenlocker said he received reports of stolen tips on Monday and Tuesday. The suspect, whose name wasn't released, was arrested on suspicion of larceny. "He knew what days the people were going to put out their garbage cans and would leave the tips," Huttenlocker said. A Jackson resident told authorities he placed a tip on the garbage can, then later saw the man take it and drive away. The resident said he followed the man, who then tossed cards and cookies out the window. http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1 ... r_oddities
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Rudolph has been replaced.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Paul Re: Dear Webby I have rec'd an email. Windows Mail. I cannot get rid of it. all attempts get a boxed message from windows mail stating "An unknow error has occurred. Everything I try, ends up with the same response. I had never opened it, and my honey doesn't remember opening it either. HELP PLS. Woe is to poor Swampy. Thanks again.. Have loved your letter for long time now. Years.. ? ! Thanks Paul Dear Paul Sounds like you sabotaged yourself with Vista. Just like AOL and Outlook Express, Vista is not allowed onto any Webby machine. I know how to format and exorcise Vista off a poor, innocent hard drive, but that's where my Vista knowledge abruptly ends. There is a known problem with Vista periodically corrupting the mail store and/or message store, putting WindowsMail at a reliability level just slightly below Outlook Express. There are some temporary tricks that you can find by googling for them, but so far there is no permanent fix for that problem. If you are stuck with Vista, try using Thunderbird or Eudora as your mail Program. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Deeli's Kudos December 21, 2007 - Montreal, Canada - Canadian Press A Quebec man has taken an entrepreneurial approach to clearing the snow from his property - he's selling it on EBay. Michel Levesque says the sale started as a joke but has turned into an innovative way to raise money for charity. Bids for the snow bank have reached just over $1,000, which Levesque plans to donate to a Montreal youth group. Levesque's snow bank in his yard just north of Montreal, measures more than two-metres high. He says it also comes with 58 square meters of surrounding snow, but adds the quality may vary by the time the winning bid picks up the snow bank next month. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... _bank_sale

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Wishing you wealth in your health, happiness in your heart and peace in your soul. May you be surrounded by love with every breath. The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve1223empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Leftover Turkey Tip Cut leftover turkey up into bite sized pieces, and measure it into individual freezer bags in the amounts you normally use turkey or chicken in recipes. Next time you want to make a casserole or something, your turkey is all cooked and measured for you. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious, that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Celine Dion - Happy Christmas John Lennon Happy Christmas
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Well, , that's all for today. Merry Christmas ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Stats 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Dec 24, 2007
If you make it through today without panicking, you can relax. In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. --- Paul Harvey
From Alice: Dear Webby, thanks for that classic Louise story. You definitely have to make that one a tradition! Now, where can I find that classic about Gramma got run over by a reindeer? Gramma Alice Dear Alice: Try Gramma got run over http://snipurl.com/1vr7a
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Morris bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world a fake jeep was I going to find !!"

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Thanks to Travis for this one: IN MY WORK at an electronic company, I send many intercompany communications via electronic mail. One day our e-mail system crashed several times, causing my messages to evaporate from the screen before they could be sent. Frustrated and not sure whether I was doing something wrong, I poked my head into the next office cubicle and asked a co-worker, "Are you having mail problems?" He looked up and said, "Have you been talking to my wife?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Misty Johnson, 34, of Rock Springs, Wyoming Spoiled Christmas December 22, 2007 - Rock Springs, Wyoming - AP A woman stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife following an argument that began when she accused him of opening a Christmas present early. Misty Johnson, 34, was arrested and charged with aggravated assault and battery, a felony, and misdemeanor domestic battery. Her husband, Shawn Fay Johnson, 34, was treated at a hospital for a wound to the chest, police said. Misty Johnson made an initial court appearance Thursday in which she requested a court-appointed attorney, authorities said. She was released after posting bail, which was set at $7,500. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... source=rss
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Moe Re: Stats Dear Webby Looks like you will break 50k votes this year... And without a contest. I think you almost made it to 100k the first year I signed up... Merry Christmas, Moe Dear Moe It will be close, but at the current rate of voting, not quite close enough. Votes have declined for all newsletters. Interesting is the second chart. It shows that even though total votes declined, the good and active people seem to have migrated to the Humor Letter! While all the others lost off their share percentage, the Humor Letter audience got better! For second to 5th place I had to use numbers, because some fell right out of the TOP 5 and others came in. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Thanks to Donnie for these: "Authentic Amusing Headlines" copied from the Pearly Gates List Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find --- The Los Angeles Times Light' meals are lower in fat, calories -- Huntington Herald-Dispatch Alcohol ads promote drinking -- The Hartford Courant Infertility unlikely to be passed on --- Montgomery Advertiser Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link --- Cornell Daily Sun Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut --- The New York Times Malls try to attract shoppers -- The Baltimore Sun Official: Only rain will cure drought -- The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -- Newsday Man shoots neighbor with machete -- The Miami Herald Economist uses theory to explain economy -- Collinsville Herald-Journal Bible church's focus is the Bible -- Saint Augustine Record, Florida Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -- Journal of Commerce Lack of brains hinders research -- The Columbus Dispatch

Deeli's Kudos December 20, 2007 - Chagrin Falls, Ohio - AP Paying It Forward ... On a Sunday in August Rev. Hamilton Throckmorton swept to the pulpit and delivered one of the most extraordinary sermons of his life. He explained the parable of the talents and instructed his congregation to "Live the parable of the talents!", as assistants handed out hundreds of red envelopes stuffed with a $50 bill. The cash, Throckmorton explained, was loaned by several anonymous donors. The deadline to return the money was Sunday, Oct. 28. Excitement and energy came alive. The little village on the Chagrin River falls had never seen anything quite like it. Everyone seemed to be talking about the talent challenge. By October 28th they had more than doubled the amount distributed. The final sum will be divided equally between three charities. To read the extraordinary details of this awe inspiring story go to: http://news.aol.com/story/_a/pastors-ch ... 0000000001

In Ireland, Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard. Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse." The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant." Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups. I don't think she will overdue it with the eggnog any more!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve1223empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check the Sell By Date When shopping, always note the "sell by" date. Most foods will last a week past the "sell by" date. Look in the back of cases for the latest dates. If you already own food you won't be able to use, simply freeze it by the "sell by" date. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Judy for this story: The Students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes." "Did it hurt?" "Just a little." "Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun." Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?" And one smart-aleck could not resist asking: "Did they get both ears with one shot?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: VERY Secluded Homes
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Merry Christmas ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby, I can't get rid of a received page 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, Dec 23, 2007
We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. --- David Russell
Q.: Why does Santa wear red underwear? A. : He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.
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Thanks to Dave for this story: My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep. Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven. When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up. "Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

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One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny's arm. "I think you'd better bandage around the other arm, doc!" asked Little Johnny. "But, why? I'm supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it." "You really don't have a clue about how kids behave, do you?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Athens, Greece Sloppy drivers December 19, 2007 - Athens, Greece - Reuters A pedestrian has been charged with damaging property after walking over a car that was parked illegally on the sidewalk in Greece's congested capital. "I could not get past the vehicle, a four-wheel drive, which had been parked right on the sidewalk, so I got angry and just walked over it, slightly denting its hood," Tasos Pouliasis told state television. Greeks have a reputation for being sloppy drivers, leaving their cars on footpaths, wheelchair ramps and even hospital entrances. The owner of the vehicle saw him and called police who arrested Mr. Pouliasis and his girlfriend and briefly detained them in a police cell. "Now I will be tried for property damage but police did not even bother giving the car owner a parking ticket," Mr. Pouliasis said. http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007 ... 123429.htm
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Can't get rid of myspace page Dear Webby Someone sent me a myspace homepage. I do not want it and I can't get rid of it. My right click on my mouse won't work so I can delete it. What can I do to get rid of it? Hope you can help as it is a nuisance. Rose Dear Rose Highlight it, then hit the delete key. After that, reboot and see if you can get the mouse right-click working again. You also might want to blacklist the prankster who sent that to you. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."

Deeli's Kudos December 19, 2007 - Saginaw, Michigan - IBS Mary Hartman, 91, slipped on a patch of ice as she was attempting to deliver cookies to a nearby neighbor. But it was a 3-year-old dog's insistent nature that prevented Hartman from freezing to death as she laid on the frigid cement. Hartman called for help, but it was a cry that only neighbor Judy Sawatzki's Jack Russell terrier mix, Taz, could hear. "He would run to the window and come back to me," Sawatzki said. "He would whine and bark, and then go back to the window again." That's when Sawatzki let Taz outside, and the terrier mix shot down the driveway barking for her to follow. Taz led her to Hartman, who was crying for help on the icy driveway. Hartman had enough strength to lift her head just above a snow bank that was keeping her concealed from anyone driving by. "He's one heck of a dog, that's all I have to say," Sawatzki said. Taz is thankful, too: He was a stray until just three months ago. http://www.wftv.com/family/14890093/detail.html

Dear Webby Please, please, please don't forget to run the joke about Louise, the other Louise! I know it's long, but you made it a classic by bringing it back occasionally. Thanks Louise Sure, Louise! Here it is: As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Browning Flour for Gravy The key to having appealing looking brown gravy, rather than pale gravy, is to brown the flour you use to thicken the gravy. Brown the flour in a skillet before adding liquid. Be sure to keep the heat low so it doesn't burn. For really fine gourmet gravy first gently sautee finely chopped onions with a bit of butter until they are about hazelnut brown. Do NOT go check your email during that, or else the onions will get black and bitter corners. When they are evenly browned, sprinkle some flour over them and stir until it too is evenly browned. Then stand back and with a longhandled ladle pour a ladle full water into the frying pan. The miniature steam explosion will tear apart any flour balls and you will get a smooth and delicious gravy. Add salt and pepper and whatever herbs and spices are called for, and let it simmer for a while. You can enhance the flavor by sprinkling some Hungarian paprika over the onions before you sprinkle the flour. It needs the hot butter to unlock it's flavor. Enjoy! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "Do I have to eat my Brussel sprouts?"

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Dear Webby, how do I defrag Vista? 

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Good Morning, ! Saturday, Dec 22, 2007 Thanks for all the nice letters and cards! DearWebby
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. ---George Burns "They say you think morals are pictures on walls and scruples is money in Russia." --- Julia Ormond
"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." "Welcome to hell, here's your harp."
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John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," he explained. She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!" "No, no, I'm fine." There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

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Judi brought in a litter of golden retriever puppies to a veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's head when he had finished. After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed Judi, who'd been chattering her fool head off up to that point, had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to British Airways Alerted to this by Walter Nitpicking December 19, 2007 - UK - Daily Mail British Airways have suspended a cabin crew steward for eating a muffin that was discarded on a passenger's meal tray. BA are treating the incident as theft after another crew member reported it at Heathrow airport on Monday. One BA worker told The Sun: "The cabin crew member on a long-haul flight took a muffin destined for the garbage bin. However, British Airways appeared to make a U-turn today after a lot of bad press and is now denying that the steward was suspended because he ate a left over muffin. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chris Re: defrag Dear Webby My computer at work is getting slower and slower and I remember you talking me into using Diskeeper in my home machine a few years ago. That machine is still nice and fast, even though hubby and the kids loaded some of the weirdest stuff onto it. Would Diskeeper work on the dumb Vista machine I have to use here at work? They were too cheap to buy XP machines and really got took. Chris Dear Chris yes, sure Diskeeper works on Vista, and it would be rather silly to expect professional grade reliability without it. You can still get it from http://webby.com/diskeeper and get nice discounts if you get it for more than one machine. By the way, it is cheap enough, that it may be just perfect as a last minute Christmas gift that does not require wrapping and shipping! Have FUN! DearWebby

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"Now tell me, Miss Jones," said the senior partner to the very junior employee, "what is the purpose of a holiday?" "To impress upon the employees that the company can get along without them," she responded promptly.

Deeli's Kudos December 21, 2007 - Eagan, Minnesota - AP Woman's best friend? A dog who saves her from a fire. Cathy Minnig was exercising on her basement treadmill Wednesday night, wearing music headphones, when her Labrador puppy, Riley, began jumping on and off the couch and otherwise acting strange. Fire Chief Mike Scott said Minnig took off her headphones and heard fire alarms. She ran upstairs to find her living room engulfed in flames. Minnig grabbed the dog and ran outside, Scott said. Both woman and dog were OK. Minnig's two sons weren't home at the time. Scott said Minnig wouldn't have made it out in time without the dog's warning. The house was a total loss. He said the fire appeared to have started near the family Christmas tree. http://www.happynews.com/news/12212007/ ... n-fire.htm

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No Snow Boots? If you don't have snow boots but need to go out in the snow, just wear two pairs of socks with a plastic produce bag between them. The layers will help keep you warm and the bag will help keep moisture out of the inner sock. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby, how do I allow cookies? 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, Dec 21, 2007 Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love. ---Basil
A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man who handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
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Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he replies, "It's a small world."

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As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Eunice Lopez in Miami, Florida More marriages than divorces December 14, 2007 - Miami, Florida - Miami Herald The honeymoons are over for a 26-year-old woman who authorities say has at least 10 husbands. Eunice Lopez has been charged with bigamy, accused of marrying 10 men between 2002 and 2006 without divorcing any of them, Federal Immigration authorities say. The Miami Herald reported Saturday that a records search by the newspaper found seven additional marriages under the bride's name and birth date. Lopez arrived in South Florida from Cuba in 2002 and was a legal U.S. resident. "I can tell you that none of the individuals she married had any type of residency," said Terry Chavez, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade office of the state attorney. Prosecutors say she charged her husbands an unspecified amount to help them secure immigration status and continued asking the men for money long after the wedding, threatening to expose them if they didn't pay. Lopez was released on $18,000 bond. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20071216/D8TIC4780.html Cases like this a re quite common in Florida, and get the jilted divorce lawyers very upset.
Thanks to Walter for this picture of a cardinal in his back yard::
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Allow cookies Dear Webby Webby, when I was trying to go to Blue Mountain cards, it said my browser would not allow cookies. How do I get my browser to allow them? I tried looking at tools, Internet options and looking in Security and Advanced but there is nothing that pertains to cookies there. Thanks Dear Carolyn That is why the Mypostcards system doesn't use cookies, and why we have 50,000 clients with postcard sites, instead of just one. Here is what I found: If you want to defeat the protection against unwanted and potentially hazardous cookies, then in Windows IE 6.x Browser: Select Tools Select Internet Options Select the Privacy tab. Select Advanced Toggle the override automatic cookie handling button Click on the OK button at the bottom of the screen. Click OK to exit Make sure you restore your protection again immediately afterward! Have FUN! DearWebby

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After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made. Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of address form." "How do I get one of those?" I asked. "We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"

Deeli's Kudos December 20, 2007 - Plainfield Township, Michigan - AP Steve Flaig wasn't sure how to approach his co-worker with his big news. It would seem brash to walk up and say, ''Hi, I'm Steve, your son.'' Flaig's long search for his birth mother ended in early October when he learned that she was the woman he knew only as Chris, the head cashier at a Lowe's home-improvement store just outside Grand Rapids, in Kent County's Plainfield Township. When he mentioned it to his boss, she said, ''You mean Chris Tallady, who works here?'' Tallady, now 45, was surprised to learn that the son she had given up for adoption 22 years earlier was a co-worker. Tallady said. ''It's a perfect time of year. It's the best Christmas present ever.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/12202007/ ... r-work.htm

During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..." After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was, "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a quickie right about now..." Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, "Don't forget the coffee!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remedy for Too Much Perfume If you still smell your perfume after a half hour, you likely are wearing too much. Try this: spray it in front of you and then walk through the spray. To remove excess perfume, make a paste of water and baking soda and rub it where you applied the perfume, then rinse off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”

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Dear Webby, how di I maximize windows by default? 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Dec 20, 2007
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -– Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tomorrow is Friday! A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My maid said to use hot water."
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A Tennessee hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" "You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" "Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'." "'Match'? Never heard of it." "Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." "Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." "Well, why not?" "Myrtle makes the fire, and she don't wear no pants."

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My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel. We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies. The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, "Matching luggage?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Piotr Staniaszek, a 22 of Alberta, Canada Did not read the fine print! December 14, 2007 - Toronto, Canada - Reuters A Canadian oil-field worker, stunned to get a C$85,000 ($83,700) cell phone bill, has had the charges reduced to C$3,400, but is still fighting them. Piotr Staniaszek, a 22-year-old oil and gas well tester in rural northwest Alberta, became a figure of international media attention this week when his father went to the press to complain about the size of his son's bill. Staniaszek's father, also named Piotr Staniaszek, said his son thought he could use his new phone as a modem for his computer as part of his C$10 unlimited browser plan from Bell Mobility, a division of Bell Canada. He downloaded movies and other high-resolution files unaware of the charges they would incur. According to his invoice, the son rang up C$60,000 in charges in November, and they have since climbed to C$85,000. A Bell spokesman said the plan is not intended for downloading files to a computer, and that's clear in his contract. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0712 ... nebill1_dc
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rhonda Re: Maximize by default Dear Webby Still loving you page after all these years! Could you remind me how to set defaults so that every time I open a page or program, it will open full size? I'm getting tired of dragging! Windows XP Thanks Merry CHRISTmas Rhonda Dear Rhonda Maximizing Windows is not really a good idea nowadays, and seems to have gone out of fashion. However, I found this: Maximize Internet Explorer On Opening Problem: When Internet Explorer opens it can range in size anywhere from that of a postage stamp to almost filling the screen. Clicking the maximize button works for that particular window but the next time you open IE the same situation repeats. Solution: The default behavior for Internet Explorer is to open at the same size it was at the last time it was closed. While the default does apply in many cases it's not always consistent. Try the following workaround. Open a single Internet Explorer window to the smaller size. Drag the corners of the window until it completely fills the screen. Do not use the maximize button to enlarge the window. Hold down the Ctrl key, keep it depressed, and using the mouse click File and then Exit on the menu bar. Do not use the "X" in the upper right corner to close the window. Internet Explorer should now open in a full window. If it still opens to a smaller size repeat the above instructions, substituting the "Shift" key for the "Ctrl" key. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "Exactly, Your Honour. The unmarried one is a lot more cooperative. That's why I want the divorce!"

Deeli's Kudos December 16, 2007 - Montreal, Canada - AFP The sale took place after the father spent two weeks searching for the the hard-to-get "Guitar Hero III" video game for the Nintendo Wii gameboard for his son. "So I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn't wait to spread the jubilance to my son," the father wrote on the eBay website. "Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends." The man, a school teacher, who kept his identity private, said he sold the coveted video game to punish his son and discourage him from smoking dope. The sale was a boon for the family's bank account, since the game the father purchased for 90 dollars (US) was finally sold to an Australian who plunked down 9,100 dollars for it. "I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars ... I know he will just love them," the father said, tongue-in-cheek. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071216/od ... 1216063719

Clerk in flower shop: "Sorry, we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets?" Customer (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Round Up Credit Card Payments Round up credit card payments as much as you can. Minimum payments are set up to maximize the amount of interest over the life of the debt. Paying more, even a small amount, significantly decreases how much interest you will end up paying. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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Dear Webby, do laptops work at cold temperatures? 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Dec 19, 2007
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. --- Arthur Schopenhauer
Judi's car wasn't the most reliable in the world and she called John whenever it broke down and she needed a ride. One day John got such a call. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes went out. Can you come and get me?" "Sure. Where are you?" "I'm in the drugstore?" "Where's the car?" "Over in the toothpaste isle."
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A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home. "Oy Morris," said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't. I was just too tired to walk home."

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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me that you told her." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a tow truck diver in Gresham, Oregon of Montville, Connecticut Not the highest authority after all December 14, 2007 - Gresham, Oregon - AP An Oregon tow truck driver upset over a recent ticket tried to take revenge by towing a police cruiser. Police say the 32-year-old man was arrested after he hooked his truck to the marked police vehicle while an officer was responding to a domestic disturbance call. The driver released the cruiser when another officer ordered him to, but police say he later locked the doors of his truck and refused to cooperate. The driver then called the police station, "apparently unsatisfied with the police response he had generated when he tried to tow the cruiser. The manager of the tow company was summoned and eventually coaxed the driver into surrendering. The driver was charged with unlawful use of a vehicle, obstructing governmental administration, interfering with a peace officer and criminal mischief. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... ruiser_tow
Thanks to Sandie for this picture from the Cape Coral Christmas Boat parade:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Len Re: Cold Laptop Dear Webby I know you used to carry a laptop on the dogsled in the Yukon. Do you know if today's laptops can handle the cold, for example being locked in the truck while I am working? Thanks Len Dear Len Absolutely no problem. Just open it up and let it warm up for a few minutes before turning it on, and it will be fine. Any condensation it attracts while warming up, will be baked out of it in the first half hour. Computers can handle the cold a lot easier than heat, and the most fragile part is the keyboard. Get yourself a cheap but comfortable 16" - 17" keyboard and stick it into your laptop case. The laptop will last longer, and so will your hands and wrists. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Deeli's Kudos December 14, 2007 - Queensland, Australia - Daily Telegraph Two family dogs are being hailed as heroes after they saved a two-year-old boy from drowning in a dam at a property yesterday. Police said the dogs, a Rottweiler cross and a Staffordshire bull terrier, dragged the boy from the water after he had wandered on to a neighbouring property's dam near Mackay, Queensland. The owner of the property had heard a noise about 11am and run to the dam, which was about 100m from the house. The woman found the boy lying on the embankment of the dam covered in mud with the two dogs, usually thought of as aggressive breeds, by his side. Police said there were drag marks from the waters edge to where the boy was lying and small scratches on his arms from the dogs' claws. "We are certain the dogs pulled him out of the dam," a police spokesman said. "It is an amazing story." http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/s ... 21,00.html

Bob had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in France. "I wish we'd brought the refrigerator with us," said bob. "What on earth for?" asked the wife. "I've left our airline tickets on it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bread Crumbs Save any leftover bread in a bag in your freezer. When the bag gets full or you need some bread crumbs, process the bread into very fine crumbs in your food processor or blender. Then store the leftover crumbs in the freezer. While some recipes might call for very fine crumbs, I found that I get better flavor and texture from coarse crumbs. Baked goods that have a high surface to volume ratio like Kaiser buns or bread sticks produce much more flavorful crumbs than for example thin crust sliced white bread would. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandy for today's Bonus Link: New 3D-look sidewalk paintings
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Dear Webby, who sells XP computers? 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Dec 18, 2007
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners. --- E. Joseph Cossman Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. ---Peter F. Drucker
Thanks to Walter, the stone carver for this story: Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a paticularly difficult day. I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?' And I heard the reply: 'Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.' I said: 'I thought that money was the root of all evil.' And the reply was: 'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad'. I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it . 'Jesus,' I said, 'what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?' He replied: 'That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone and I would love to chat with you some more, but for now, Senor.... I have to finish your lawn.'
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An RCMP officer spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said. The officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the Highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway '119'." When he radioed in the incident, he was told to stay ahead of them. They were headed for the '401'. ------------------ They have since then renamed the '401' to #1, the Trans Canada Highway.

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Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost ?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $12,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Lamotte, 18, and Steven Lamotte Jr., 20, of Montville, Connecticut Dumb crooks December 14, 2007 - Montville, Connecticut - AP Two brothers who tried unsuccessfully to dump a stolen truck, attempted to cover their legal expenses in that case by stealing items from a local elementary school, according to authorities. Christopher Lamotte, 18, and Steven Lamotte Jr., 20, face several larceny and burglary charges from the two incidents. Authorities in this southeastern Connecticut town say they had little difficulty finding the suspects. In the first case, the truck's owner told police that Christopher Lamotte was the only other person who knew about the vehicle's hidden key, according to court records. And in the second case, the brothers allegedly forgot a knapsack with one of their names inside at the crime scene, authorities said. Authorities say the brothers stole several hundred dollars' worth of computer and electronic equipment this fall from Murphy Elementary School in Montville to help cover Christopher Lamotte's legal fees from the stolen truck case. Police who investigated the burglary and found the knapsack searched Steven Lamotte's home and found laptop computers, a microphone, portable radios, a digital camera and a projector. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... heft_spree
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Who sells computers with XP Dear Webby Do you know what companies sell a new computer with XP already installed other than the three from Dell? Thank you for all your help, Nita Dear Nita Yes ;-) I looked at PriceGrabber with this question: XP computer They list 970 laptops at XP Laptops http://snipurl.com/1vgbm and 442 desktops at XP Desktops http://snipurl.com/1vge7 You might also check out your local computer stores. One friend of mine bought one today and got $250 off for buying a store demo. DearWebby

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Thanks to Boris for this story: When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later, I came home from work and got hit with the frying pan. After that, she gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

Deeli's Kudos December 17, 2007 - Northern Germany - Ananova A swan named Petra, made international headlines when she fell in love with a pedal boat, has ditched her plastic lover for the real thing. Petra made international headlines when she fell in love with a swan-shaped pedal boat at Aasee Lake in northern Germany. She was seen circling her plastic lover on the lake, staring endlessly at it and making crooning noises. But as summer turned to autumn and then winter, Petra refused to fly to warmer climes as all the other swans on the lake had done, and would not leave her plastic lover. The local Allwetter Zoo agreed that both the bird and the boat could spend the winter on their pond which is more protected from the elements than the lake. Now though she has reportedly abandoned the boat for a young swan at the zoo and naturalists and zoo keepers are watching her to see whether she will forget entirely about her plastic lover. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2643175.html?menu=

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. She informed her friend that her mom was always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!" The beauty replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbished Computers Companies like Dell and Apple sell refurbished computers and discontinued models with warranties at a 15% to 40% discount over buying the computer new. They come with a much longer warranty than you will get from an online auction, if you get any at all. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line sneered to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: T'is The Season, Tie One On!
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Dear Webby: Connection Speed 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Dec 17, 2007
It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power. --- David Brin
We've all heard "Laughter is the best medicine". Lately though I'm not all that sure -- if that were really true, wouldn't the medical profession have found a way by now to charge us for it?
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Thanks to Mark for this story: Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't' get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn people you have to please. "Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. "Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't like me. "And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!"

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A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course." There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those still remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Garrett St. Cyr in Leicester, Massachusetts Too dopey, one way or another Leicester, Massachusetts - AP Two teens who went to the Leicester police station to apply for door-to-door sales permits were arrested after officers say they smelled burned marijuana on them. Police detected the smell on Garrett St. Cyr after he came into the station last Friday. The officers went outside to talk with his companion, Joshua Kephart, after a computer check and a surveillance video showed he'd driven St. Cyr on a suspended license. Police said Kephart also smelled of marijuana and had several cans of beer in the car. Both were charged with marijuana possession. Kephart also was charged driving on a suspended license and minor in possession of alcohol. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/ ... 9223.shtml
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Dial Up Speed Dear Webby I've been reading your letter for some time & really enjoy it. The last couple of days have had jokes that sure sounded like times in my life. Thanks so much for the humor. I am curious what affect the connection speed for dialup. I have 56k. Most of the time it ranged between 52-54k which is normal accoring to the provider. But a few times lately it has been as low as 34k. Does weather or tiem od day affect it? Hope you are enjoying the holiday season. Sharon Dear Sharon If your ISP adds a lot of people, who listen to Internet Radio while downloading huge amounts of pictures, it will affect the connection speed. Whatever time of day the most of those people are on-line, that will be the slowest time of the day. It is not as drastic now, as it was in the early days of the Internet and speeds were below 14 KB. In those days, whenever a new ISP started up, they were fast, because they have very few clients. So everybody migrated over to them, and suddenly they were the slowest. Then the few who had not migrated but stayed behind, enjoyed the best speeds. Unless you want to start hopping from ISP to ISP, there is nothing you can do about that. If you plan to do that, shorten your sign-up contracts as much as possible, and rather pay a bit more, than be locked into non-refundable multi-year contracts. DearWebby

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Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great!" Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..." Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Deeli's Kudos Wrapped in teeny tiny Lycra suits, Santa's packages made a nippy jaunt through Yorkville yesterday. A few dozen brave athletes took part in the third annual Toronto Santa Speedo Run. "It's not really something you anticipate seeing -- people running around Yorkville in little red Speedos," said Matt Freeman, who organized the Sick Kids Foundation fundraiser. Freeman, who started the event as a way of giving back to The Hospital for Sick Children, where he was put back together time and time again during his "accident-prone" childhood. As of yesterday, the runners had raised more than $30,000, with every dollar going to the Foundation. That's up from last year's nearly $20,000 raised, and way up from the year before, when $7,500 was brought in. At torontosantaspeedorun.com, donations are still being accepted. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 7-sun.html

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works a bout 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the red will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Christmas Cards When you receive Christmas cards, cut out and tape the return address to the back of each card. After the holidays, store the cards together until the following year. Pull out the previous season's greetings to start creating your new Christmas card list. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Husband: You tell a woman something: It doesn't go in any ears but comes out of her mouth.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas Tree made of Potatoes!
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: What is a DDOS attack? 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, Dec 16, 2007
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. --- Daniel Webster Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep. --- Da Funk
Thanks to Connie for this classic: A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL". The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name. "But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
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From Maryann DearWebby, you once had a joke about the high birth rate in a small railroad town. Can you try and find it for me? Maryann Sure, Maryann! Here it is: A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

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Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil. "Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started." Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah, but not with a picture in the Yellow Pages." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Anthony Chiofalo, of New York Police Department Too dopey, one way or another December 9, 2007 - New York - Ananova A police officer who says he failed a drugs test because his wife spiked his meatballs with marijuana is suing to get his job back. Counter-terrorism officer Anthony Chiofalo, of New York Police Department, has taken the case to the Manhattan Supreme Court. His wife told investigators she had secretly drugged his meatballs hoping a failed test would force him to retire. She testified that she just wanted her husband "not to die of a heart attack or get killed" and said: "I wanted him to be around to help raise my son." Both Mr. Chiofalo and his wife Catherine have passed lie detector tests about how the marijuana entered the police officer's system. An administrative judge recommended that Mr. Chiofalo be reinstated to the Joint Terrorism Task Force but Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly rejected that opinion and fired him. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2628085.html?menu=
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Winter at the zoo in Naples, Florida
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: What is a DDOS Attack Dear Webby Not totally understanding the ddos hacker attack thing but I'm sure it's a huge problem. I'm really not sure whats 'going on' but hang in there I'm sure the 'good guys' will win in the end. Regards Trish Daer Trish A DDOS attack is a Distributed Denial Of Service attack. "Denial Of Service" means harassing somebody so badly, that they can't serve web pages any more or so that their defenses are breached and they can be hacked. "Distributed" means that the attack is not just from one computer, but from tens of thousands of computers at the same time. Here is how it works: If you go to a page on the site of your government, for example: http://www.ato.gov.au/corporate/content ... 105577.htm then in a few seconds you see a page. However, if you misspell html and spell it h7ml, the server wastes time and resources trying to find that, and eventually shows a 404 page. If you had a page with thousands of deliberately mis-spelled links, and a script calling 100 of them per second, then the government server would get so bogged down with useless searches for nonexistent pages, that their defenses would break down and a hacker could go in and mess around. Now, imagine 20,000 computers infected with a trojan horse type virus, all opening their back door to the controller of their trojan, and all attacking the http://www.ato.gov.au/ machine at the same time. The silly ninnies, who allowed their computers to get infected, can be cheerfully cybersexing in the foreground, without the faintest clue about what their computer is doing in the background. You can probably envision what that would do to your government site, or any site, that is not on big, sturdy postcard servers and guarded by fanatical techs. The Root Servers of the net, that did all the complaining and got all the help, they were not the target. They are just the routers through which the attack traffic flows on route to the target. They just acted like the lady at the freeway toll booth, who is complaining that all the football game traffic is just to annoy her. DearWebby

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "A few hours before the store opened."

Deeli's Kudos December 7, 2007 - Riverside, California - AP Willy the tortoise made a crawl for freedom this week, getting 800 metres from the fenced yard where he lives in a doghouse. The Department of Animal Services spokesman, John Welsh, says the 11-year-old African tortoise was corralled by a neighbour and department workers drove him to a shelter. Willy - who is the size of a small bathtub - was back home after fewer than six hours of freedom. It was the third time Willy has escaped since the family bought him at a pet store eleven years ago. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 90-ap.html

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "OmiGod.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. .....What do you do for a living?" "...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a garbage truck."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fun Uses for Buttons Buttons make great wall decorations or plates in doll houses. You can string them together to make a button bracelet or sew them on fabric. You could also substitute them for lost game pieces or use them as poker chips. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There is the story of a parson who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. "The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new church roof. "The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Still under DDOS Attack! 

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Good Morning, ! Saturday, Dec 15, 2007
If you always do what you always do, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. --- Socratex
Thanks to Sandie for this story: An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise." The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
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"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast?" said the new husband. "Toast and juice," the bride replied.

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During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "Hey, how'd you do that?" "I could tell you sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause the man yelled back, "Ok then... just tell my wife!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Millhouse of Millhouse Signs in Lewiston, Idaho Not Finders-Keepers December 14, 2007 - Lewiston, Idaho - AP Police didn't have to look far to find a man suspected of stealing a woman's wallet ... just an inch down the front page of Thursday's 'The Lewiston Tribune'. The Tribune ran a photo of a man in a blue and black checkered coat standing in a convenience store. The photo was taken from the store's surveillance video, which reportedly shows the man slipping the wallet in his coat pocket and walking away. The picture of the possible purloiner ran along with a story explaining that a woman had forgotten her wallet at the store, and that police were now trying to identify the man in the video. Also on the front page ran a festive photo of a holiday scene taken by the newspaper's photographer, Kyle Mills. That photo showed a man, in a blue and black coat, painting decorative Christmas greetings on storefront windows. The caption identified the man as Michael Millhouse of Millhouse Signs in Lewiston. Police Chief Joel Hastings said that after picking up a copy of the paper, Officer Jeremy Maguire contacted Millhouse and asked about the wallet. Millhouse was subsequently arrested and charged with felony second-degree theft. He was released from custody after posting $5,000 bond. If convicted, Millhouse could be sentenced to up to five years in prison and fined up to $10,000. http://www.happynews.com/news/12142007/ ... ge-one.htm
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Winter at the zoo in Naples, Florida
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: DearWebby Re: DDOS Attack Still busy fighting off the continuing DDOS attack from the Russians. It looks like they are bombing us from well over 20,000 computers distributed all over the world. I asked the CIA on Friday morning, if they can give us some technical advice or refer us to somebody who can help, but it looks like they are just sitting on their hands, saying "Lookit all that ***** traffic, Ma! Wonder who's gonna win? Shure hope it's good ol' Dear Webby!" As long as you can get to the Human Rights site at http://khpg.org/en/, we are holding on. We may have to retreat and close down the Pro-West server temporarily, unless we get some help soon, either technical or financial. If you know somebody, who knows somebody, who can do something, please get them to contact me! It's not funny at all! If the Pro-West activists in Ukraine see that they are just being abandoned and thrown to the wolves, history might make a sharp left turn there! And it will most definitely be noted in other countries too! So, if you have some clout, use it! DearWebby

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Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Deeli's Kudos December 7, 2007 - New York - AP Ian Culhane won $10,000 for designing a seven-foot-tall toy roller-coaster. Not bad for a 10-year-old. "It's money for college," the aspiring engineer from Olympia, Wash., said Thursday about the savings bond. Ian's creation was on display at the Toys "R" Us store in Times Square, where he accepted the prize from the president of K'NEX Brands, a building toy company in Hatfield, Pa. The boy, who first started playing with building sets when he was four, was one of thousands of children ages 6 to 12 who entered the annual contest. While he was disappointed he couldn't spend any of the prize money, his father, a hydrogeologist, gave him $100 to spend at a toy store. What will he buy? More plastic building parts. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... _prize_toy

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, my mother-in-law is doing some heavy house-cleaning at her home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to go help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Magazines at the Newsstand Do you find yourself buying the same magazine at the newsstand or supermarket checkout line every month? Go ahead and subscribe to it. Most subscriptions save you at least 50% off the cover price. There are often bonus gifts for subscribing too. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a SHORT essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex, and mystery. The only "A+" in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Deep Sea, Home to Many
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Dear Webby: DDOS Attack 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, Dec 14, 2007 Today is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support of the troops.
I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. --- Mary Chase There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity. --- Robertson Davies
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
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A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them - from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, not ask for directions, and not get lost. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Greedy Crooks in Minocqua, Wisconsin Greedy crooks December 9, 2007 - Minocqua, Wisconsin - AP Dozens of drivers made a mad rush for cheap gas after a station employee accidentally changed the price to 33 cents a gallon. An employee closing Trig's Minocqua Shell for the night mistakenly entered the price of a gallon of gasoline as 32.9 cents instead of $3.299 on Monday night. He left about 10 p.m., but drivers could still use their credit cards to buy gas. Word of the bargain spread fast in the rural northern Wisconsin community, with 42 people buying 586 gallons of gas in an hour and 45 minutes. Local police saw the horde at the station and called store manager Andrea Reuland, who went to the station and pushed the emergency stop. "There were cars two deep at each of my pumps," said Reuland, who knew many of the drivers and told them they were being dishonest - the main store sign had the correct price. "I was very upset that there's that many dishonest people," she said. "They knew there was a problem, and they took advantage of an employee's mistake and I think that's terrible." "It was an honest mistake," Reuland said. "I could have done it." http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: I have been busy all day and evening fighting off a hacker attack. We are hosting, amongst many other high traffic domains the one belonging to the Orange (Pro West) activists in Ukraine. It is under attack from countless computers in Russia, Thailand and Myanmar, including military and educational machines. So far we blocked over 10,300 different IP numbers, but they are still attacking via virus infected computers from all over the place. You can see alist of the ones we blocked so far at http://64.237.99.118/droped.ip.txt There is a similar attack against our domain name servers, and I am falling behind answering help mail, while we fight that. So, please be patient. We WILL win! Have FUN! DearWebby

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After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Deeli's Kudos December 6, 2007 - Gold Coast, Australia - AP After playing 650 holes of golf over 40 hours, Adam Engel didn't expect his marathon charity round to end with a bang: a chip-in birdie from about 45 yards. Playing off a handicap of two, Engel teed off with a glow-in-the-dark golf ball just after nightfall Tuesday and finished at midday Thursday on the ninth hole at Hope Island, a course designed by five-time British Open champion Peter Thomson. Engel said he was inspired to take on the challenge to raise money for the Leukemia Foundation after his best friend, Shane Burn, was stricken with the disease. The money donated was sponsored per hole, so he was reluctant to quit early. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... y_marathon

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Disguising Gifts for Curious Kids Assign a number for each person in your family and then put the number on the presents instead of a name. That way, children won't go rummaging through presents to see which presents are theirs. When it is time to open gifts, tell everyone what their number is. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you? “All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Black Sea Coast of Crimean Penninsula
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Dear Webby: DELL and Vista 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Dec 13, 2007 Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support of the troops.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. -- Burt Bacharach The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Thanks to Dave for this story: The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?” The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station. “How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled. “I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’
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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00a. m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a tunneler in Coquille, Oregon Poor Planning December 9, 2007 - Coos Bay, Oregon -AP A burglar who tunneled under a wall to access a Coquille tire shop did not have a good exit plan. The burglar was unable to remove anything because the tires were too large to fit through the mouth of the hole. Officers received a report earlier this week of a hole outside Steele’s Universal Tire & Wheel Inc. The hole led into the shop’s dirt-floor storage room. It was roughly 2 feet in diameter and several feet long. But not big enough for the tires. The storage room is connected to the business but does not l ead to all areas of the business. The only items stored in the storage room were semitruck tires. "That’s the first time Ive ever seen something like that," said Sgt. Patrick Smith, of the Coquille Police Department. "It was pretty comical." Police say fingerprints were found at the tire store. Smith said investigators have located a possible suspect. http://kob.com/article/stories/S279090.shtml?cat=648
Thanks to Dianne for this picture of an Ice storm in OKCity:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: DELL and Vista Hi Webby, I am one of the idiots who bought a dell comp. With vista cant seem to contact dell Fred Dear Fred If you bought it less than 30 days ago, and still got the cardboard boxes, you can return it and get your money back, except for shipping. You will have to get a Return Authorization from them first. When you do that, you MIGHT be able to talk them into just swapping hard drives, for one with XP pre-loaded. That is the only difference in the machines. You don't need any extra components for XP. Even though XP is cheaper than Vista, they will charge you more for it, but it will be cheaper than losing the freight cost on the computer. Please let me know how you make out with them. Good Luck! DearWebby

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A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice. "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?" And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Deeli's Kudos December 11, 2007 - Salt Lake City, Utah - Ask a 14-year-old to make a wish and you might expect to hear something about a sports car or a game console, but a West Jordan teenager had something completely different in mind and is now using it to help others. Garrett Stewart wants to give back to the foundation that helped his wish for a roping arena in his backyard come true. Garrett thought his love for team roping could help wishes come true for other young patients, so he started a team roping competition. Last year, he raised $7,500 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, enough to help two children. He hopes to double that amount this weekend. Garrett's "Ropin' for Wishes" team roping competition continues tomorrow at the Salt Lake County Equestrian Park in South Jordan. Besides roping, visitors can bid at a silent auction or buy items outright at the boutique. All proceeds will go to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. http://www.happynews.com/news/12112007/ ... dation.htm

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?" A student replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down." The teacher, quite annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" The student countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing a Nail That Has Lost Its Head When the nail head breaks off a nail, it can be tough to get the claw of the hammer to grip the nail. To remove the nail, slip the claw of the hammer over the remainder of the nail and then pull the nail out by moving the hammer sideways instead of straight out. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in years!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Visual Dictionary
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Dear Webby: XP-SP3 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Dec 12, 2007
People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust. --- E. B. White
Thanks to Dave for bringing back this classic: One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
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Thanks to Sandie for this one: A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

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Thanks to Roland for this: One little punctuation mark would have made a world of difference in the gigantic sign I saw posted outside a local family restaurant: "Kids Under 12 Eat Free Live Clown Every Wednesday." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Peter Matthew Tillotson, 22, in Gillette, Wyoming Ticket to jail December 7, 2007 - Gillette, Wyoming - AP Leaving behind a piece of paper with your name, address and a description of your truck just doesn't make for a very successful burglary. Ask police, who arrested Peter Matthew Tillotson, 22, on Thursday. On Sunday night, someone broke into Ed's Radiator and stole three handguns, three shotguns and a safe containing $12,000 and $1,500 worth of jewelry. Tillotson had just bought new tires for his truck at a different business. Police said a receipt for the tires was found inside Ed's Radiator and it led them straight to Tillotson. Detective Becky Elger said Tillotson admitted to the burglary when confronted with the evidence. She said one of the handguns was recovered. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/12/ ... 3014.shtml
Thanks to Dianne for this picture of an Ice storm in OKCity:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Hi Webby, First off, I love your newsletter. My grandma introduced me to it a few years back. I was reading the newsletter on upgrading to XP when purchasing a new computer. I just bought a new desktop (early Christmas present) from Dell from their Black Friday specials. We did pay extra to have it come with XP instead of Vista, about $100. The saleslady did state something about after February of 2008 XP will no longer be available. Have you heard about this? I am not sure if it is all software or only you can no longer order new computers with XP. Also, I does XP software run on Vista or do you need to upgrade all your old software once making the switch? Thanks! Marsha Dear Marsha Congratulations on your wisdom to get an XP computer! Ignore the lies from the saleslady. That's just hype. They said the same BS last year too., and when the customers said they would go elsewhere, if they could not get XP machines from DELL, they back-pedalled. Now they are selling last years machines with XP on it and charge you $100 more. Because Vista is such a drag anchor, they had been hoping it would stampede the sheep into buying faster and more expensive machines. Luckily there were more smarties out there then sheep, who decided to stick with XP, and not go to Vista. That is not likely to change in the near future. Just stick with XP, and don't worry about Vista. By the way, the pre-release test of XP-SP3 has been released yesterday, and it pulls XP even further ahead of Vista. XP-SP3 will be released to the public in late spring of 2008. XP machines will be available for a long time yet, though maybe not from DELL. More and more people are getting fed up with their BS and manipulating, and are checking out other manufacturers. Unless they change their tune soon, their days are numbered. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Deeli's Kudos Sent in by Ross: Nun reads list of curse words to kids The Associated Press | Sunday, Dec 9 2007 12:06 PM Last Updated: Sunday, Dec 9 2007 12:06 PM Sister Kathy Avery won't put up with swearing on the playground at her school, and she's not above repeating the offending language to make sure everyone understands which words she won't tolerate. The principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing. Just in case anyone wasn't sure what she was talking about, Avery read off a list of the very words and phrases that she was banning. "It got a little quiet in church" during her talk, she told the Detroit Free Press. Some parents were shocked, but others applauded, the newspaper said. "In a way you would think a nun would shy away from something like that, but she's very open with the children, very clear in her messages," said Margaret Roache, chairperson of the school commission. Roache's sixth-grade son was there when Avery read the list of banned words. "When I asked him to give me a sample of it, he said 'Oh, no, I can't say it!'" Roache said. "I thought it was great." A representative of the Archdiocese of Detroit declined to comment Sunday. Cuss words aren't the only things that set Avery off. She's also banned the words "stupid" and "boring." http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/306242.html

Thanks to Seababy for this story: Four old-timers living down in Florida were playing their weekly game of golf and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said. "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf cou rse. The first guy says, "Boy this game c ost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf ' ...as expected, she said, "Take a sweater..."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thawing Frozen Locks If a lock outside has stopped working in cold weather, it might be frozen. Try heating it with a hair dryer until you are able to turn the key. You can also heat the key with a lighter or match before using. Be careful as the key will get hot. If it is your car lock, a zip-lock baggie filled with hot coffee and held against the lock for 60 seconds, will thaw it out quite nicely. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Drivers for XP 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Dec 11, 2007
Seek simplicity, and distrust it. --- Alfred North Whitehead To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation. --- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. --- Robert Orben
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well. About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out " . . . and I can't remember who she was!"

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When Jill decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out two or three instructional books from the library. After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable at this stuff." "Thanks," Jill said. "What makes you say that?" The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out this week has 'For Dummies' in the title." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Balducci's store in Manhattan, NY Here's a food ad that REALLY wasn't Kosher December 7, 2007 - Manhattan, New York - AP A grocery store in Manhattan is apologizing after touting its hams as "Delicious for Chanukah." Chanukah - an alternate spelling for Hanukkah - is the eight-day Jewish holiday that began Tuesday evening. A woman who saw the mistake over the weekend at the Balducci's store on 14th Street took pictures of the signs and posted them on her blog. Jennifer Barton, director of marketing, told The Associated Press on Thursday that the signs were changed as soon as the food faux pas was noted. She issued an apology on the company website, saying Balducci's would be reviewing its employee training. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0712 ... nukkah_ham
Thanks to Dorothy from http://akwildlife.com for sending this picture of an oil drilling hazard in Alaska:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Drivers for XP Dear Webby, Removing Vista and installing XP involves finding drivers does it not? We had that trouble I know. Nita Dear Nita Right. That is why I recommended that she go to a local expert. Upgrading Vista to XP is not a task for new or casual computer users. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said... "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Deeli's Kudos Sorry, Deeli, today I'll barge in with a kudo for my long time friend Dorothy from http://akwildlife.com. Below is a picture from her Nov 28 Christmas Party. Yes, Novemeber! Dorothy invited her friends and neighbors for an early Christmas Party to assemble and wrap presents for soldiers in Iraq. They wrapped and sent 53 parcels! Dorothy also made an on-line card that you can send to friends to tell them about Anysoldier.com That card is at http://www.awimages.com/e-cards/Troops.html

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley, and I lost my family jewels in Vietnam a long time ago."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Softening Brown Sugar Put a slice of bread in a bag of brown sugar that has become hard and then seal the bag. The brown sugar will soften within a couple of days, then discard the bread. In a hurry, just grate the clumps using a hand grater or put in the microwave for a few seconds. Brown sugar is not raw sugar. Ancient laws require all sugar to be fully refined. It is simply flavored and moistened with a bit of molasses. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dorothy for today's Bonus Link: Card to spread the word about AnySoldier.com
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Dear Webby: Upgrading from Vista to XP 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Dec 10, 2007
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. --- Will Rogers In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right. --- Ellen Goodman
Thanks to Matt for this story: When the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers, a lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delica te operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose, walked to the podium, and said, "I'm Jim, and I want to tell my wife - once again - the word is STERNUM."
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Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and demands: "Who told you about us?"

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David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, yes, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better, because it locks ..." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Santa Claus Workers Union in Hungaria Standard Santa December 9, 2007 - Hungary - Ananova Angry parents in Hungary have formed an association to license local Santa's after complaining they weren't up to scratch. The Hungarian Santa Foundation has teamed up with Santa Claus workers' unions to create an exam with strict requirements for people who want to work as Santa's. And they plan to take legal action against any fake Father Christmases who try and operate without a Santa license. Apart from having to sit the exams - from now on every Hungarian Santa has to be at least 5ft 7ins tall and in good physical shape. His voice has to be low, and he has to possess good communication skills, and he has to convince examiners he likes kids. Foundation head Gyoergy Balint said: "If a jolly old man with a sack of presents is found handing out presents amongst kids on the street without a proper Santa diploma - then he will have to answer in a court of law." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2628159.html?menu=

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Upgrade from Vista to XP --------- I have to correct my estimate for upgrading a computer from Vista to XP. With today's cheap and subsidized disposables, the Vista computers sold at ridiculously low prices, upgrades to XP are considerably more expensive. Apparently they use cheap junk components from fly-by-night parts makers, who often don't have a full complement of easily available drivers. If you fall for a $300 desktop or $500 notebook, be prepared to spend $200 to $300 to upgrade it to XP. Better yet, check with an Upgrader to find out how much it will cost to upgrade that particular make and model. Personally, I just pay the XP penalty up front, and get the machine with XP pre-installed by the manufacturer. The concept that a machine that is powerful enough to run Vista, would perform fantastic with XP, is a bit of a myth. Those bargain machines just barely run Vista Basic, and are not really capable of running the full Vista, that you see in the TV ads. They will work better with XP, but XP does not turn a $300 disposable into a $2500 high performance machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

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The Father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window, "Whadoya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll drag him in later in the morning."

Deeli's Kudos December 7, 2007 - Rome, Italy - BBC News A sketch by Michelangelo for the dome of St Peter's Basilica has been discovered in the Vatican archives. The red chalk sketch, thought to be the artist's last before his death in 1564, provided a guide for stonecutters. The chalk drawing is a partial plan for one of the radial columns of the cupola drum of Saint Peter's. It is extremely rare because Michelangelo ordered the destruction of many of his designs later in life. This particular sketch is thought to have survived because a building supervisor had used the back of it to make notes on problems linked to transporting the stone through Rome. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7133116.stm

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my p-mail."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cake and Cookie Rack Placement Cakes and cookies bake more evenly in the center of your oven. If you are baking more than one item, try to place them as close to the center of the oven as possible but leave about an inch between them. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cars We Drove
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Dear Webby: Switching Laptop from Vista to XP 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, Dec 9, 2007
You've got to think outside of the box or work with what's inside it. --- Hinda Eisen
Marv, a local cop, recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislanyatv Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter." Marv put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, uhhh, ok, but don't let me catch you speeding again."
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Thanks to Sheila from downunder for this story: One evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

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Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. Then take a dump in the woods. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them into next week. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wanna be a bear. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the jailguards in Casablanca, Morocco Grinches December 5, 2007 - Queensland, Australia - Sydney Morning Herald A national employer of department store Santas denies it sacked a man for saying "ho ho ho" while working at a north Queensland shopping centre. John Oakes said he received a phone call from his manager at Westaff on Monday advising him he was no longer required to work at the Myer Centre in Cairns. "I hadn't done anything wrong so I asked her why, and she said, 'You said ho, ho, ho' and that's not appropriate," the 70-year-old Mr Oakes told the Cairns Post newspaper. "She also said I wasn't supposed to sing, but I was only singing Jingle Bells to get the kids to laugh for their photo. "It's just ridiculous, and everything's changed because of the new rules." Westaff reportedly advised its 550 Santas across Australia and New Zealand not to use the familiar Santa Claus catchcry as it could scare children or cause offence to women. http://www.smh.com.au/news/NATIONAL/Emp ... 10015.html --------------------------------------------- Buncha sniveling ninnies! Kids have heard the traditional "HO! HO! HO! from parents reading Santa stories and on radio and TV. The kids know that the Santa greeting has nothing to do with the previous jobs of certain Westaff bigshots.
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture: Same in Europe. Apparently a pretty accurate repeat of 1959. Rumor has it that on the coming April 1st, the Algorian Hype will switch back to "Panic! the Ice Age is coming!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sophia Re: replace Vista with XP Dear Webby, I have a laptop with Vista in it, and I have an XP package of my own from the desktop I bought before. Can I delete the Vista in my laptop and instal the XP into it? And how? Always enjoy your newsletter and thank you very much. Sophia Dear Sophia Yes, sure it can be done. You will have to format the laptop, and then install XP. If you have never done that before, it would probably be best to pay your neighborhood computer fixer or wizard to do it for you. Expect to pay about $50 for that. It will still be a lot cheaper than paying the $300 extra that they charge for XP laptops. The XP computers and laptops don't have $300 worth of extra components or more expensive components, quite the opposite. A Vista machine needs more RAM and a faster processor so that it does not appear too slow. It's just that there is more demand for XP computers, and they can get away with charging $300 more. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of themen asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques -visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" he turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Deeli's Kudos December 7, 2007 - Kirikkale, Turkey - AFP A Turkish thief has sent a letter of repentance to police for four car robberies 15 years ago, enclosing money to repay for stolen cassette players. The thief, who remained anonymous, sent the letter to the security department in Kirikkale, central Turkey. Local police chief Salim Akca has told Anatolia news agency the thief also enclosed 400 euros ($680). He says the thief detailed the four robberies committed in 1992, instructed police to give 100 euros each to the car owners and asked for their forgiveness. "I hope this incident will be an example for all criminals," he said. The police traced three of the owners and gave them the money. They failed to track down the fourth person and donated the money to poor children. http://www.bigpond.com/news/offbeat/con ... 110847.asp

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Add Cinnamon Baby's Breath To Greenery Tuck cinnamon-scented baby's breath among your holiday greenery, in wreathes, between the Christmas tree branches, in garlands, etc. It's lovely burgundy color and delicate form spruces up any arrangement. It can be purchased at most craft stores and is inexpensive. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

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Dear Webby: How to get rid of nagging balloons? 

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Good Morning, ! Saturday, Dec 8, 2007
Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. --- Edgar Allan Poe
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage. He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it".
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A sweet 6 year-old girl is sitting on Santa's Lap in a department store. Santa asks the young child "....and what do you want for Christmas?" The sweet thing looks into Santa's eyes, and says with disgust, "Hey, didn't you get my E-mail?"

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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the jailguards in Casablanca, Morocco Grinches December 7, 2007 - Morocco - AFP Thanks to Trish for this submission A Moroccan jailed for terrorism offences smuggled a woman into his prison cell in a large plastic bag and spent six hours with her there before being caught, media reports said. The young woman came to see the prisoner and he smuggled her from the visiting room into his cell in a bag that he persuaded guards contained clothes, according to Assabah newspaper. The prisoner was subsequently transferred to another jail in Casablanca. An official from the Ain Borja prison confirmed "the discovery by guards of a woman inside the prison" but said the media reports contained "inaccuracies". He told AFP in particular that she was only in the prisoner's cell for an hour. http://www.bigpond.com/news/offbeat/con ... 112089.asp ------------ it only seemed like 6 hours to her...
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Debbie Re: Nagging Balloons Dear Webby, Like everyone else I love your Humor letter and all that comes with it. I may have missed something and I'm hoping you can help me. What kind of problems are people having with IE7? A balloon keeps popping up telling me it's time to upgrade to IE7 but I'm very happy with my IE6. How can I stop the balloon from popping up in my task bar? As always, thank you sooooooooooooo much! Debbie Dear Debbie Try downloading that IE7 Blocker from http://webby.com/tools I have done that about a year ago, and have never seen any nagger balloons. If that fails, try this rigmarole: Right-click on the Start button at lower left of Desktop, click Properties Click the Taskbar tab Click the Customize button See "Customize Notifications" window See Current Items/Past Items/Behavior Click on any item in the list and a drop-down menu box that appears next to the item Choose from Hide when Inactive/Always hide/Always show Click OK when done Have FUN! DearWebby

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John had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked. "I've never had an old ball," he said.

Deeli's Kudos December 3, 2007 - Jackson, Mississippi - AP Donnie Register has a new reason to be thankful he's married. Police say his wedding band deflected a bullet and probably saved his life. Two men walked into Register's shop at The Antique Market on Saturday and asked to see a coin collection, police Sgt. Jeffery Scott said. When Register retrieved the collection, one of the men pulled a gun and demanded money. A shot was fired as Register threw up his left hand, and his wedding deflected the bullet, police said. ''The bullet managed to go through two of his fingers without severing the bone,'' said his wife, Darlene Register. ''A part of the bullet broke off and is in his middle finger. The other part is in his neck, lodged in the muscle tissue. But it's not life-threatening.'' Police were searching for the robbers, who Scott said ''stole a substantial amount of cash." http://www.happynews.com/news/1232007/c ... d-life.htm

This joke is maybe not as squeaky clean as some of you prefer, but it is too good to not share it with you. So, if you blush easily, skip this one. A Chinese couple while working in a Chinese restaurant, fall in love and get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know dis you firs time and you bery frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you wann, I do anyting you wann.... What you wann?" "I wann have numma 69" she replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wann . . . . . . Beef with Bloccoli?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Logs If you have a wood burning stove and receive the daily paper, you can make your own newspaper logs. Lay newspapers flat and roll it into 3 inch diameter logs then wrap metal wire around the finished log. The tighter you can roll the paper, the longer the "logs" will burn. Keep in mind that when paper is burned without plenty of heat and air, you produce toxic pollutants, and not really very much heat. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Good Morning, ! Friday, Dec 7, 2007 Today is Friday, wear something red to show your support for the troops.
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. --- Tom Robbins Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. --- Socratex
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already....!"
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Thanks to Martin for this story: Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

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On the way hom as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward . . . " Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Gibbons, 30, from England Grinches December 3, 2007 - Kenfig Hill, UK - Daily Telegraph. A primary school has banned mince pies at its Christmas fete over health and safety fears. The headteacher has said the seasonal treats cannot be sold in case a child has an allergic reaction. Neil Davies, headteacher at Mynydd Cynffig Junior School in Kenfig Hill, near Porthcawl, said: "I have got to guarantee the health and safety of the pupils. I'm not doing it to upset anybody." But his decision has upset some parents, who argue home- cooked food is the healthier option and is, after all, what most children eat at home. Bridgend County Borough Council's cabinet member for education, Peter Foley branded the decision an over-reaction. "Children are going to be gorging themselves on home-made products in the Christmas season and I see no harm in them being on sale," he said. And one mum said: "It seems crazy - we invite our children's friends round for parties at home and serves up mince pies we've cooked, so what's the difference selling them at the school Christmas fair?" Pupils at another primary school have also been banned from wearing angel wings during their nativity plays over safety fears. Sacred Heart Roman Catholic Primary head Linda Mitchell said there was a risk the wings could catch fire from candles. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2623722.html?menu= --------------------- Depriving the kids of the lifetime memories of cheerfully stomping out and dowsing burning angel wings is CRUEL!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Email virus Dear Webby: Please check this one out, see if it's true, Thanks, Roland This one is called the (FTC/DOJ COMPLAINT) e-mail: Another E-mail Virus I just came across a new e-mail virus that is starting to spread itself around the Web. It comes as an e-mail from the Department of Justice. Keep reading for all the details! ...Blah, blah, blah Currently, no antivirus companies have a patch to protect anyone from this attack.......... Hi Roland Just a BS hoax. Whenever you read "Currently, no antivirus companies have a ....." "Microsift announced..." "IBM announced ...." "AOL announced..." "FTC announced..." then it is BS. Guaranteed. Nobody reads mail from the Dept. of Justice anyway, unless they are some crook on probation. If you have MailWasher and McAfee, that kind of stuff never makes it to your mailbox. Have FUN! DearWebby

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One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Deeli's Kudos November 27, 2007 - Milwaukee, Wisconsin - AP A longtime policy of letting prisoners in two local corrections centers stay up until 3:30 a.m. on weekends and holidays got an abrupt lights-out itself after a Thanksgiving Day news story on the practice. The policy had been in effect for about 2,200 inmates at the Milwaukee County House of Correction in suburban Franklin and a downtown center for those with work-release privileges. Ron Malone, superintendent of the centers, said the policy was already under review and probably would have been eliminated by January even without the disclosure about it in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. The inmates had been allowed to watch television in day rooms until 3:30 a.m. on holidays, Fridays and Saturdays. A County Board member had reacted to the story by saying the policy didn't make sense. "What are we running here? This isn't a campout," Supervisor Mark Borkowski said at the time. "It isn't supposed to be fun." http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/ ... 1573.shtml

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Easy Classic Christmas Ornament Lightly spray paint pine cones with gold or silver paint to make a classic Christmas ornament. Use florist wire or paper clips to hang them on the tree. Or, put them in a bowl or basket as a as a centerpiece or table decoration. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Nancy was studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear. After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it. She replied, "It's for confidentiality." "Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor. "Yes, confidentiality," Nancy explained, "I've been told what goes in one of my ears comes out the other, and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Waterfalls of the world
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Dear Webby: How urgent is removal of IE7? 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Dec 6, 2007 Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support for the troops.
Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling." --- Margaret Lee Runbeck
While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress. He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress." "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly. "It sure does," he replied.
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Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

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The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarrelling with his neighbours, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Gibbons, 30, from England Tired Drunk December 3, 2007 - Bansko, Bulgaria - Ananova An Irish tourist has been arrested in Bulgaria after breaking into a furniture store to sleep in a bed for the night because he couldn't find his hotel. David Gibbons, 30, was arrested when staff arrived for work to find him snoring away - and he is now facing criminal charges and a fine of up to £2,000. Gibbons was on holiday at the Bansko ski resort and lost his way after drinking with pals - and rather than checking into another hotel he broke into the furniture store by forcing open the door. He was woken up the next morning by cops who were called in when staff turned up to find him in one of their showroom beds. A police spokesman said: "He was furious when officers tried to get him out of his bed, we believe he had been drinking. It took him a long time to realise where he actually was." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2623848.html?menu=
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: IE7 Webby, I'm a bit confused about problems with IE7. I must be one of the lucky ones as I have not had any problems (knock on wood) yet. What kind of problems should I be looking for with IE7? I spoke to my GURU when I first read your comments about IE7 many months ago and he told me that as long as I don't have problems, leave it alone. I made a copy of todays Tech report just in case some show up. Bob Dear Bob If you are already used to IE7 and don't miss those IE6 features, that are no longer available, or not as easily, don't worry about it. I agree with your guru 100%. IE7 does work fine for most purposes, and it won't mess up your computer. Have FUN! DearWebby

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HER SIDE OF THE STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else??? HIS SIDE OF THE STORY My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Deeli's Kudos December 3, 2007 - Poland - Ananova A British bus driver fed up with the competition from cheap European rivals has turned the tables by going to Poland to get a job. His message to pals back home is "Come on over here - it's a great life. I can't understand why all the Poles are heading off to the UK." "Sure, you earn less, but as everything costs a fraction of what it does in the UK I am no worse off here - and there are loads of jobs because all the Polish drivers have left." "Any one who sells a shoebox flat in the UK can afford a big house with a garden here. And once you move in, there are so many little things that make life better - no junk mail on the doorstep every morning for starters." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2624341.html?menu=

Husband: I know you are having a lot of trouble with the baby, Dear, but keep in mind, "the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." Wife: How about taking over the world for a few hours while I go shopping ?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting the Most out of Turkey or Chicken Bones To pull the calcium out of chicken or turkey bones, add 1 ounce of vinegar to each quart of water (up to 4 ounces total) when you are making soup stock. It will not give a vinegar taste to the soup but will draw out ALL the nutrients in the bones. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Bonnie for today's Bonus Link, set back to the day before yesterday, when that site showed the picture of the sun track, that Bonnie wanted to show you. I had not realized that by the time you get the link, it would already have advanced a day. So, here is the Sun Track! Sun Track
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Dear Webby: IE7 removal tool 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Dec 5, 2007
I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' --- Ronald Reagan
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "To beat the greatest hitter in the world, I must be the greatest PITCHER in the world!"
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Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, but unfortunately our computer is down and I'll either have to send you to hell, or back down to earth for a bit. If you choose to go back to earth for six months, you can be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pipalini." St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Virginia Pipalini." replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says the Virginia PIPELINE was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

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"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 42 year old poacher in Benzie County, Michigan Dumb Rustler November 22, 2007 - Colfax Township, Michigan - AP A man says he shot and killed a neighbour's cow after mistaking it for a coyote. Authorities and the cow's owner are skeptical. The undersheriff in northern Michigan's Benzie County says he doesn't see how anyone could confuse a 635-kilogram, pregnant cow with a coyote, which typically weighs about 13 kilograms. Shooting coyotes is illegal during deer-shooting season and authorities asked the county prosecutor to bring charges. Undersheriff Rory Heckman says the 42-year-old man told authorities he was out to shoot coyotes near his home Saturday when he killed the cow and then tried to drag it home. The owner of the cow, DeAnn Mosher, says her husband thought that their neighbour should go through some therapy looking at repeated pictures of cows and coyotes, because they look nothing alike. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... _or_coyote ------------- and you don't easily drag a dead 635 kg (1400 pound) cow, unless you are prepared for serious poaching!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Deacon Steve Re: IE7 Removal Tool Dear Sir, I was directed by my web hosting man, Mike Hodapp, to request you to send me the tool to remove Internet Explorer 7. I have been having nothing but big time problems with it since I installed it. I would be very grateful if you would do this. Thanks you and God bless. Deacon Steve Dear Deacon Steve You can roll back to IE6 by going into the Control Panel, Add/Remove Software and dump IE7. After that, go to http://webby.com/tools and download / run the IE7 Blocker. It is a very tiny download and will be so fast, you will wonder if you actually got it. That will be your Guardian Angel preventing that snake from slithering in again. Have FUN! DearWebby

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"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Deeli's Kudos December 4, 2007 - Erie, Pennsylvania - AP Mike Batchelor invited the heads of 46 charities into his downtown office for one-on-one meetings to personally deliver the news. Nearby, on a small table, sat a box of tissues. Mike Batchelor accepted a $100 million donation from an "Anonymous Friend" to benefit Erie charities. Batchelor, president of the Erie Community Foundation, has been sworn to secrecy and will allow only that the donor worked with the organization for years to identify deserving recipients before the announcement over the summer. Each of the charities will get about $1 million to $2 million. The recipients include a food bank, a women's center, a group for the blind and three universities. The city -- and the entire county of 280,000 -- could clearly use the money. http://www.happynews.com/news/1242007/a ... n-town.htm

Nina: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? Rosey: Yes, I did, once. He had forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wrap Gifts Before They Are Found Wrap gifts before you hide them. That way if someone does look for them or accidentally stumble across them, the contents will still be concealed. I try to wrap gifts the day that I buy them. This saves time as Christmas approaches too. Hi Webby Hope you are doing well and keeping warm!!! Love your news letter and look forward to it every day. Thought I would share what I used to do when I made a homemade wreath. I would take a piece of cardboard from a box, cut it to the size I wanted, cut out the middle, and attach the cut branches from the bottom of our Christmas tree with a stapler. Decorate as you like. Keep up the great work. Wendy Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime. Instead of making any official landing requests to the tower, he said: ....."Guess who?" The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where...!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Bonnie for today's Bonus Link: Sun Track
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby: Getting small and text mail only 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Dec 4, 2007
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --- Bill Vaughan
Thanks to Trish for this story: A Old farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? The farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? The boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 stud fee for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
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OK, I KNOW a few hundred of you are going to ask me "What is a UTE ?" As near as I can tell, a ute is Australia's national secret, and the Aussies make it a national sport in confusing foreigners, when they ask what a ute is. They must have a huge computer database to ensure no two Aussies EVER give the same answer. A ute seems to be a vehicle that is smaller than an SUV, but is not a regular car. A stationwagon with a roof rack qualifies, especially if the rear door is missing or has the glass replaced with mosquito netting. Pick-up trucks qualify, as long s there is some modification. New and unmodified cars are never a ute, unless you put a brush guard on the front and remove the trunk lid. Vans and SUVs seem to qualify, if you tie a ladder or a bunch of work related stuff permanently on top. Basically, a ute seems to be a not too large or too new vehicle, that has been modified to make it more useful to the owner than it was when new.

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Seen on a bumper sticker: A Lesbian is a mannish depressive with delusions of gender. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alexander D. Smith in Clearwater, South Carolina too wacky forgery November 27, 2007 - Augusta, Georgia - NBC The Aiken County Sheriff's Office arrested an Augusta man who tried to open a bank account with a counterfeit $1,000,000 bill. Alexander D. Smith is charged with disorderly conduct and forgery. Investigators say Smith gave the counterfeit bill to a teller at Regions Bank in Clearwater, South Carolina. The employee refused to accept the bill and called the sheriff's office. Officers say Smith also purchased several cartons of cigarettes with a stolen check over the weekend. The largest denomination of currency ever printed is the $100,000 bill. That bill was printed back in the 1930s. http://www.nbcaugusta.com/news/local/11852036.html
Thanks to Roland for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gene Re: Text only Dear Webby I didn,t ask for this information (link correction) from you. I did write to you in reference to the problem I was having recieving the humor letter all of a sudden, when I don't use any kind of mail blocking and I don't believe that my ISP hughesnet does either nor do I use any of the silly programs like AOL etc. I wonder if something might just be wrong in Gotham city in this instance? Would you please give me a reference to G- MAIL so that I can set up an account with them? thank you, GENE Dear Gene Since you received the plain text correction, but not the actual Humor letter with pictures, to which the correction applied to, some sniveling ninny is censoring your mail. I sent you a referral to gmail. They censor only spam, not legitimate subscriptions. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the landscaper.

Deeli's Kudos December 3, 2007 - Margignan, France - Ananova French police have had their wish granted after writing to Father Christmas to ask for new police cars. Police in Marignane near Marseille told Santa "even your sleigh is faster" after being told there was not enough money in the coffers to replace their ageing cars. The letter, addressed to Father Christmas and written on official police note paper, read: "Dear Santa, our cars can't handle the job any more. "If you think we are exaggerating, you can try out the cars yourself. Even your sleigh is better than one of them." Local authorities have now put up the cash to buy new cars for police after seeing the letter published in a local paper. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2623834.html?menu=

John came from San Francisco to Depoe Bay and asked a native, "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the native replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Your Own Wreaths Make your own wreaths and swags from evergreen and holly branches. You can use an old wire hanger to attach the branches. Bend the bottom portion of the hanger to form the shape that you would like the wreath to be. Attach branches with wire or twist ties and add a bow. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My csecretaryt asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office... When my secretary followed me, the boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!' To which she replied: 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

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Dear Webby: Invisible mail 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Dec 3, 2007

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --- Johnny Carson
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
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The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"

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There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming...."If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent." Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one...."If NOT weary, call Sherry 555-3550." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 25 year old Tacoma, Washington man Fake Cop November 30, 2007 - Pierce County, Washington - Post Intelligencer For the third time in less than a month, Washington State Patrol troopers have arrested someone impersonating a law enforcement officer. Thursday, drivers began calling 911 just before 4:30 p.m. when a man in a Ford Mustang was seen flashing blue emergency lights in an effort to push through traffic in the northbound lanes of Interstate 5 in Pierce County. Troopers stopped the Mustang and found blue lights mounted on the grill and around the rear bumper. The driver also had a speaker near the front of the car that emitted sounds much like a police siren. The driver, a 25-year-old Tacoma man, allegedly told troopers that the lights and siren were just for show. Troopers arrested him for impersonating a police officer and booked him into the Pierce County Jail. Blue lights mounted in vehicles are legal for law enforcement only, the State Patrol reported. In early November, troopers arrested two other Pierce County men, in separate cases, for impersonating police officers. One man was in a 1993 Ford Crown Victoria, with spotlight and push bars, when he tried to get traffic on Interstate 5 to move out of his way. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/341 ... cop01.html
Thanks to Lillemor for sending the picture of this year's Christmas Goat in Stockholm, Sweden
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joan-Mary Re: Letter not showing Dear Webby The Humor Letter is came through as a blank and only when I hit reply to advise this, did I get to see the column. Respectfully, Joan-Mary Dear Joan-Mary It did arrive and download OK, otherwise hitting Reply later would not have made a difference. Check the settings in your email program. Have FUN! DearWebby

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How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? ------------- your hips!

Deeli's Kudos Thanks to Roland for sending this: Readers may be interested to know that these wreaths -- some 5,000 -- are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine. The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one the poorest parts of the state of Maine

Here is a list of some of the dumbest questions asked by tourists at Alberta's Banff National Park. Yes, they are all allegedly true, as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff. [with my comment in brackets] 1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? [They just do] 2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? [6 feet] 3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park information staff: "Elk." Tourist: "Oh." [Actually it is pronounced "Elk!] 4. Are the bears with collars tame? [Yes...take one home they make lovely pets!] 5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? [Just before they eat you!] 6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? [Your sleeping bag or underwear is a much better place for it!] 7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingoes? [Just to the left there... see them?] 8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was? [Yes] 9. Are there birds in Canada? [Are there brains in your head?] 10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? [Hopefully!] 11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? [Right there!] 12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? [You are with a travel group right? I would hate for you to get lost in our fine country!] 13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? [no that would be Quebec!] 14. If I go to BC, do I have to go through Ontario? [Only if you are on a round-the-world tour!] 15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice Fields? [Try China!] 16. How far is Banff from Canada? [Very far!] 17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day? [Space Shuttle!] 18. Do they search you at the BC border? [If you ask them nicely!] 19. When we enter BC, do we have to convert our money to British pounds? [They are using the Yen now!] 20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they? [Sure do...and we all own red "mountie" suits too!] 21. Are there phones in Banff? [No...it is Canada's only official phone-free location!] 22. So it's eight kilometres away. Is that in miles? [no..in fathoms!] 23. We're on the decibel system you know. [Really...so convert a 69 for me!] 24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost? [Spread your legs!] 25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car? [Yes!] 26. Don't you Canadians know anything? [Oh boy...watch out for that tree!] 27. Where do you put the animals at night? [In your car!] 28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?" Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom." Tourist: "Oh." [And we paint the trees green too!] And then there is the mating call of the bluehaired Winnebegans: "An juss haw much es that en reel mohney?" [Just double it and round it down. That's close enough.]

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wrapping Gifts for Children Every Christmas, I would wrap each child's gifts in one kind of paper without names. On Christmas Eve, they would guess which one was theirs. It made my job faster, easier and less expensive without the tags. I didn't even put bows on. They didn't mind at all. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Big Spanish Castle
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Dear Webby: Which Browser 


Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Dec 2, 2007

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. -- William James
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Clarke in London, England Another Career limiting move November 26, 2007 - London, UK - AP The woman behind the gentle, even voice which warns London's subway commuters to "Mind the gap" was fired after telling a newspaper she thought the transit network was dreadful. Emma Clarke has been recording messages for London's sprawling subway network, popularly known as the Tube, since 1999. In addition to warning passengers to watch their step in walking between subway cars and the platform, she also reads the trains' stops, tells Londoners how long they have to wait until their next ride, and delivers service updates. Transport for London, the body responsible for running the subway, said Monday that Clarke, 36, was fired for telling the Mail on Sunday she avoided using the subway whenever possible. "The thought of being stuck in the Tube with strangers for minutes on end and having to listen to endless repeated messages of my own voice fills me with horror," she told the paper. She said using the service every day had been "dreadful." The paper also featured Clarke's Web site, which hosts a series of spoof Tube announcements, including one warning a passenger not to stare at a woman's chest and another telling American tourists, "You are almost certainly talking too loud." Transport for London noted that some of the spoof announcements were quite funny, but spokesman Dan Hodges said Clarke's attack on the subway itself had crossed the line. "We wouldn't employ somebody to promote our services who simultaneously criticizes those services," Hodges said. Clarke's voice will continue to fill London's subway cars until a replacement is needed, he said. http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articl ... 26-ON.html
Thanks to my Roland for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re:Which Browser Dear Webby Had a 'thought' as I now have new computer, it's the IE 7 blocker thing. I can't remember how to find out which IE I'm on can you please tell me how to find out and then I'll download the IE7 blocker not sure if I can do that if I'm already on it. Thanks in advance for your reply, Trish xxx ps what's the weather like over your side of the world, bloody hot here and summer only started today, not looking forward to the next 'long hot bit', we always want what's on "the other side of the fence" don't we but well over 30 degrees and no rain for years to speak of here, we're all a bit nervous about the "bushfire season". Dear Trish Just got back to the office. In your browser, click on HELP, ABOUT That will show you the version. Currently it is -22 C. Spent the day at a trade show in a big place that was too cool for comfort, and sneaking out into the -20C with a 30 km/h wind for smokes. Feels like I am chilled to the core. I think I'll have a long, hot shower. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. " God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Deeli's Kudos November 27, 2007 - Chesterton, Indiana - CBS An Indiana State Police dog sniffed out nearly $110,000 during a routine traffic stop near Chesterton, Ind. on Sunday. Trooper Mike Jones stopped a Ford Explorer for following to close to other cars and unsafe lane changes. After Jones pulled over the vehicle, the occupants ''appeared very nervous and had conflicting statements as to where they were going,'' according to a state police news release. The driver agreed to a search of the SUV, and the police dog, named Boss, nosed around and located a suitcase with $109,020 inside. The three occupants of the vehicle denied ownership of the suitcase, which was confiscated by police. The driver was cited for traffic violations, and the investigation into the origins of the money is continuing. http://wcco.com/watercooler/police.dog. ... 95706.html

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grow a Natural Christmas Tree Consider a potted tree instead of a cut one. It will save you money every year and it will grow with you and your family. Keep an eye on your tree's health while it is inside. It should only be inside for 10 to 14 days. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and he actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Planes
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Dear Webby: Bimbo malfunction 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Dec 1, 2007

Most people who succeed in the face of seemingly impossible conditions are people who simply don't know how to quit. --- Robert Schuller Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. --- Mark Twain Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything. --- Socratex
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? A: What was your question?
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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

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"Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir." "The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her." "During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit." "The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Giovanni Catanzaro of Rome, Italy Career limiting move November 26, 2007 - Rome, Italy - News.Com.Au Rome's mayor sacked the city's traffic and parking chief overnight after a newspaper reported he parked his car in a no parking zone and displayed a handicapped permit that belonged to an 86-year-old woman. Giovanni Catanzaro parked his red Alfa Romeo Brera in a tow-away zone near the Spanish Steps in central Rome before heading off to a restaurant on Saturday, Roman Il Messaggero newspaper reported overnight. His car displayed a permit for disabled drivers that was no longer valid and initially issued to a senior citizen, the paper said, noting that officials almost never tow away a disabled person's vehicle no matter where it is parked. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22 ... 62,00.html
Thanks to my dad for sending this picture of a Christmas cactus that bloomed a bit early due to the colder and earlier winter.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Boldly going nowhere Re: Bimbo Malfunction Did you call that poor teacher who got jailed in Sudan a 'Bimbo'?? Usually I agree with your rants, but if you actaully meant it, Im shocked!! Nobody knew that naming a Teddy bear Mohammad would mean jail or lashes, what is the world comming to? Boldly Going Nowhere. Dear Boldly, you need to wake up and smell reality! In the USA it is illegal to teach and promote terrorism, child porno, and a few other things. THAT is the law. In the Sudan they have laws too. They are not necessarily the same laws that you have in the USA. If you want to get the ohuge wages that teachers get in the fancy International schools there, you have to agree to abide by the local laws and not agitate or work against the Government. It's the same when a foreigner wants to teach in the USA, or in any country. A teacher has more than just a salary. There is some responsibility that goes with it, the responsibility to educate the kids on what is legal and what will get them thrown in jail or executed. In Sudan, if a local had done what she did, that teacher would face the death penalty, no matter if the teacher was male or female. If a soccer team named their mascot teddy bear after their prophet, the entire team would be executed. In THEIR country, that's just the way it is. It is the responsibility of the teachers to point that out to the kids: "Don't EVER do that while in Sudan! You could get away with it in some other countries, but in Sudan you WILL get executed for it, and your family will be in BIG trouble!" Whether you and I don't like the laws they have there, is totally irrelevant. We don't live there, and we don't vote there. Considering all the riots and killings last year about the topic of depicting their prophet, it is extremely dumb and irresponsible to provoke an incident like that, especially when it is done, - not in the safety of Denmark-, but in the capital of Sudan! Don't be surprised if there are some violent riots, if she gets away too easy, and if ambassadors get recalled and trade contracts cancelled or put on hold. Even if you don't understand their way of thinking, consider what will happen, if the kid has a temper tantrum and kicks the teddy bear or sets it on fire. That is why most cultures strictly forbid naming pets or toys after a deity or prophet. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

Deeli's Kudos November 30, 2007 - Prescott, Arizona - AP Now that's spare change. Salvation Army volunteers were doing a routine count of donations dropped into area bell-ringers' kettles when they came across a $50 gold coin. The one coin — a 1998 American Eagle containing an ounce of gold worth about $800 — made up in one package a shortfall in collections so far this year, Salvation Army Maj. Kyle Trimmer said Wednesday. Trimmer said an anonymous donor placed the coin in a small envelope and dropped it in a kettle outside a Prescott Valley Kmart. The coin was found Tuesday as Trimmer joined volunteers counting the change and paper money from 28 kettles in Prescott and Prescott Valley. Trimmer said the Salvation Army raised $105,000 during last year's kettle campaign, and hopes to exceed that amount this year. The proceeds will benefit 600 area families, who will receive food vouchers and toys. http://www.happynews.com/news/11302007/ ... kettle.htm

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done now?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at twelve12empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Returning Groceries Return items to the grocery store that are bad or spoil quickly, even if you used some of it. For example, if you buy a big block of cheese and gets moldy after a day or two in the fridge, it probably was not packaged properly. Just be sure to keep your grocery receipts handy. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: is MS NET Framework update safe ? 



Good Morning, ! Friday, Nov 30, 2007 Today is Friday. Wear something red to show your support for the troops.
'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' --- Ronald Reagan We cannot always control our thoughts, but we can control our words, and repetition impresses the subconscious, and we are then master of the situation." --- Florence Scovel Shinn
Tyhanks to Sandie for this story: We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?" "No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
My friend, Monica, is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties and other such events. She is also blonde and has an appropriately cherubic face. She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel and stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on. As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked, "How far up does this elevator go?"

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Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a Angus mcKenzie asked his minister. "Definitely not," was the preacher's answer. "Are you absolutely certain?" "Yes, my son, absolutely." "Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gillian Gibbons in Karthoum, Sudan Extremely clueless teacher November 26, 2007 - Khartoum - AFP Thanks to Eric for this submission A British teacher in Sudan on Monday faced lashes and deportation as she languished in police custody accused of insulting the Muslim prophet for allowing young children to name a teddy bear Mohammed. Sudanese police arrested Gillian Gibbons in Khartoum on Sunday after parents complained that she allowed six-year-old boys and girls at an expensive English school to name the bear, and so "insult" the Prophet Mohammed. The penalty carries the death sentence for Muslims in Sudan, where Islamic Sharia law is enforced in Khartoum and the north, but a non-Muslim could face a maximum penalty of lashes, prison, a fine and deportation if found guilty. Sudanese officials on Monday closed the fee-paying Christian-run Unity High School until further notice. The British headmistress of the school, where the majority of pupils are Muslim from well-off Sudanese and expatriate families, was unreachable. The Sudanese Media Centre, a news agency close to the country's intelligence services, quoted the school as apologising and claiming the teacher had been sacked. For devout Muslims, any physical depiction of Mohammed is blasphemous and strictly forbidden. The British Foreign Office website says that while Sudan's constitution says non-Muslims shall be exempt from Sharia law, this has not yet resulted in practical changes and that people should expect Sharia law to apply. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/071126/w ... ain_arrest Considering the riots and killings because of some cartoons depicting Mohammed a year ago, a teacher can be expected to know the basics of the laws of countries that she goes to teach and live in. It would be unreasonable to expect a country to change their beliefs and laws overnght, just because of one thoughtless bimbo.
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: The new pylons are supposed to prevent parking close to the building, without restricting pedestrian traffic. Believe it or not, their truck will fit through quite nicely.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Susan Re: Is MS NET Framework safe ? Dear Webby, Good Morning, I received an Update from microsoft this morning and I wanted your opinion whether it is one I need to download. Thanks much for your help. Susan (I have XP 2) Microsoft, NET Framework 1.1 Service Pack1 10.2 MB Cannot be removed after installation. Dear Susan NET Framework is OK. The only one to guard against is IE7 Have FUN! DearWebby

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Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers? A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

Deeli's Kudos November 28, 2007 - Fort Myers, Florida - News Press Thanks to Sandie for this submission. Fort Myers police officer Bradley “B.J.” Ades has had all kinds of training, but nothing prepared him for what happened Monday night. Ades, who has been on the force 10 years, helped deliver a baby in the parking lot at Gulf Coast Hospital in south Fort Myers. The mother, 24-year-old Elvira Vasquez of Bonita Springs, gave birth to a 7-pound, 6-ounce boy at 10:35 p.m. The newborn arrived in a van parked just yards from the hospital entrance. Ades first noticed trouble as he walked from the hospital entrance to the parking lot after conducting a follow-up interview with a patient who had been in a traffic accident. He saw two men waving frantically and speaking Spanish. “They said two words that I could gather: ‘sister’ and ‘baby,’” said Ades, 29, who has no children of his own. The top of the baby’s head had started to crown after Ades ran to the van and checked on Vasquez. The officer sent a man in the parking lot to get a doctor. But before anyone arrived, Ades caught the baby in his hands and handed him to his mother. “Once I heard the baby cry and knew it was all right, I was on Cloud Nine,” he said. “Who gets to deliver a baby? What cop does this?” Ades has little experience with babies, he said. Police officers are not trained to deliver children. The father, Rigoberto Gomez, had something to say when asked what they named the baby. “Ivan ­ because he was born in van,” he said through a translator.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and said 'pssst' and he didn't move."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1TY1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bake Simple Holiday Cookies The best cookies are not always the most expensive. Most people love simple chocolate chip cookies. Sugar cookies are always fun because they can be cut and decorated so many ways. Box the cookies and store them in a cool place. If you bake in advance, you can freeze them. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion? You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Let's try this again: Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Birds If that does not work, try pasting the long URL: http://groverphoto.phanfare.com/slidesh ... _id=304621
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Dear Webby: Monitor Color Scheme 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Nov 29, 2007 Tomorrow is Friday. Wear something red to show your support for the troops.
Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go. --- William Feather
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A guy's car broke down on a remote Scottish road. Luckily, there was a cottage nearby. The guy walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna DA business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say 'Times up!' ?"

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Bumper Stickers from 10 years ago: 1997 If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better! Don't be sexist, broads hate that. Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it! Constipated people don't give a crap. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. If you can read this... I lost my trailer. Your just jealous cause the voices are only talking to me. I have the body of a God.... Buddha. So many pedestrians...so little time. Eat right, exercise, die anyway! Illiterate...Write for help. Cover me... I'm changing lanes. Boldly going nowhere. Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel. Honk if anything falls off. If we quit voting, will they all go away ? Heart attacks... God's revenge for dieting. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Mikhail Ershov, 43, from Chelyabinsk, Russia Fatal Klutziness November 27, 2007 - Yekaterinburg, Russia - Reuters A Russian man blew himself up with a hand grenade Tuesday shortly after train inspectors asked to see his ticket. The inspectors thought they saw a hand grenade in the man's pocket and asked him to get off the commuter train at Asha station, in Chelyabinsk in the South Urals region. He refused and instead demanded that the train go to Vladivostok, thousands of kilometers away on Russia's Pacific coast, said Liana Ergasheva of the local prosecutor's office. Passengers were evacuated and negotiations with the police had started before Mikhail Ershov, 43, triggered the explosion, blasting out windows in the train carriage. "Ershov had taken the pin out, he then tried to put the pin back in the grenade, but instead it exploded," the prosecutor said. The explosion did not kill or injure anyone else.
Thanks to Dianne for sending these pictures of a bear attack
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Monito colors Dear Webby, My monitors (work and home) show colors as different as Fuji and Kodak. When I fix a picture to look right at home, it looks crappy on the monitor at work. And vice versa. Is one of them dying or is there an adjustment to save it? Ron Dear Ron You can adjust the color temperature of a monitor. Just play with the menu buttons until you get to a menu that has big numbers, like 4500 and going up to 9300, or sometimes even higher. A low number gives you a warm lighting, like candle light, a high number gives you a hot light, like mercury vapor or arc arc, or "cool white" fluorescent. Straight from the factory, most monitors come set at 9300, and most people never change that setting. If you set your monitor to 9300, then if a picture looks OK for you, it will look OK for most people. To see how a print job will look, lower the numbers. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast...."

Deeli's Kudos November 26, 2007 - Puerto Rico - BBC Organisers of a beauty pageant in Puerto Rico are investigating a case of sabotage after a contestant's dress and make-up were covered with pepper spray. Ingrid Marie Rivera beat 29 pageant rivals to become the 2008 Miss Universe contestant, despite breaking out twice in hives. Ms Rivera remained composed onstage before the judges, but backstage she applied ice packs to her face and body. Her clothing and make-up later tested positive for pepper spray. The pageant organisers said they hoped to catch whoever was responsible for the prank. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7112916.stm Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. "Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. "Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?" He was acquitted.

A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1TY1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ecological Holiday Parties If you purchase some inexpensive, reusable plastic plates, cups, and use your own utensils, you will have a much more ecological party that relying on disposable plates and cups. You also will be able to use them year after year, which will save you money. You can also go to a garage sale and buy proper plates and cups and glasses for less than the plastic ware costs. They don't take much more room to store till next year. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Birds
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Dear Webby: Keyboard / Mouse / Monitor Switch 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, Nov 28, 2007
Give every man thy ear but few thy voice. --- William Shakespeare
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" "Well, I had to toss it 114 times."
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

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You will need this joke tomorrow morning: A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator there was a lady already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F" He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T". She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T". The lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T". The lady finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?" The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday". Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kmart shoppers in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin More greed than sense November 27, 2007 - Wauwatosa, Wisconsin - IBS A weekend melee at a Kmart store in Wauwatosa was started by a computer glitch. The store was running a promotion to give away $10 to anyone applying for its credit card, but the computer glitch led to everyone's application being approved, giving up to $4,000 in instant credit to anyone who applied, even if they shouldn't have qualified. Once word started to spread about the so-called "free money" Saturday, witnesses said, things started to go wild inside the Wauwatosa store. "They were having a big fight. Two ladies were jumping a lady over credit cards," witness Sylvester Wilson said. Nearly a dozen Wauwatosa squad cars responded to the call just before 11 a.m. Saturday. "It was a nice brawl. It came from inside to outside. If you go up there, you'll see hair, earrings, all pulled out on the ground," Wilson said. What started as a fight between two women in the crowded store evolved when several men intervened. A store employee got punched in the nose and crashed through a glass display case. He was treated for a broken nose and various cuts. Meantime, Kmart was trying to clear up the credit card mess. Two employees confirmed for police that anyone who applied was given instant credit -- from $850 up to $4,000. They also told police that people started calling other people to the store for so-called "free money." The store ran out of credit applications. One witness told police someone went to another Kmart, got some applications there and was selling them in the Wauwatosa Kmart parking lot for $20 apiece. Charges for the suspects in custody could be issued Tuesday. http://www.wsbtv.com/money/14702622/detail.html
Thanks to Arturas for sending this picture No more Vista for the Airbus!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Keyboard/Mouse/Monitor/Speakers switch Dear Webby, You mentioned a switch that allows one to use one keyboard for two machines and monitors. What are they called and how do they work? Irene Dear Irene They are called KVM switches. You plug your keyboard and your mouse and your microphone and speakers or head set in on one side, and the two monitors and cables to both computers for USB, microphone and speakers on the other side of the switch. It is a good idea to untangle your cable salad beforehand and label each cable. If you do that, it's easy and works on the first try. When you start up after you connect, your mouse and keyboard control computer #1, the speakers play the sound from #1, and the monitor shows what's going on on computer #1. You hit NumLock or ScrollLock twice, and everything switches to machine #2. You can, of course, use two monitors. That way you see both the actively controlled and the other machine. The other machine does not pause, everything keeps running, you just don't actively control it with mouse and keyboard, - until you double-hit NumLock and switch the active control over to that machine. If you run two machines at the same time, a KVM switch is definitely the way to go. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old man cleared his throat, fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Deeli's Kudos November 27, 2007 - La Crosse, Wisconsin - AP You can excuse Dr. Kenneth Merkitch if he's seeing double these days. He's been an obstetrician-gynecologist at Gundersen Lutheran Medical Center for 19 years, but he said he's never experienced a 24-hour on-call period like the one he put in on Friday and Saturday, when he delivered four sets of twins. ''I don't think I ever delivered two sets of twins on a call day,'' Merkitch said. ''It was hard to believe that everything was coming in twos, but after a while you're up all night, you might as well keep delivering babies,'' he said. ''It's something I don't think I'll see again.'' Merkitch delivered one other baby during his shift; he also couldn't recall ever delivering nine babies during a similar shift. http://www.happynews.com/news/11272007/ ... -hours.htm

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and started thinking about things. "Mommy, why does daddy have so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1TY1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Insured Credit Unions As many of 5% of credit unions in the US are not insured by the National Credit Union Administration (NCUA). Make sure your credit union is one of the 95% that are insured. Then you will have the same degree of protection as federally insured banks. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde, redhead or brunette?" "Neither, He grandfather is bald."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: No MX Record 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Nov 27, 2007
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. --William James
Thanks to Sandie for this story: We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we," my husband confidently declared. One November night, the temperature plunged to below zero and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

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The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." "OK, then, if your side wins, you are guilty of perjury and will get ten years." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rev. David Baer of Whitewood City, South Dakota Sent in by Ross South Dakota town may rename Hooker St. The Associated Press | Monday, Nov 26 2007 2:01 PM Last Updated: Monday, Nov 26 2007 2:05 PM If the Rev. David Baer has his way, the Whitewood City Council will change the name of one of the northern Black Hills town's streets. Hooker Street doesn't quite lend itself to a family atmosphere and is offensive to some residents in the town of about 800 people, according to Baer. It's actually named after General Josph Hooker, one of the better known Union generals from the Civil War, but Baer said that even renaming it to General Hooker Street might not be much better. Any renaming would affect one resident and six water bill accounts, said Brenda Lindstrom, Whitewood city finance officer. The council is expected to discuss the request its Dec. 17 meeting.
Thanks to Sue in Birsay Saskatchewan for sending this picture of one of the Great Horned Owls that hang around in her yard:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cougar Re: Can't subscribe Dear Webby, I love your website but I have a problem. When I changed my e-mail address I could not resubscribe to you. Could you put me back on your list?? Address is ******@nci.net I would really appreciate this I miss you Cougar Dear Cougar "The e-mail address you entered, ******@nci.net, does not have a valid MX record (nslookup failed)." You will have to contact CNI.net and tell them to fix their MX record. It is quite easy, and if necessary, their web host will do it for them. The MX record identifies your ISP and sets it apart from fly-by-night spammers. Have FUN! DearWebby

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My girlfriend asked me if I'll love her in the morning. I told her it depends on what happens tonight.

Deeli's Kudos November 10, 2007 - Lima, Peru - Reuters A 4,000-year-old temple filled with murals has been unearthed on the northern coast of Peru, making it one of the oldest finds in the Americas, a leading archaeologist said on Saturday. The temple, inside a larger ruin, includes a staircase that leads up to an altar used for fire worship at a site scientists have called Ventarron, said Peruvian archaeologist Walter Alva, who led the dig. It sits in the Lambayeque valley, near the ancient Sipan complex that Alva unearthed in the 1980s. Ventarron was built long before Sipan, about 2,000 years before Christ, he said. "It's a temple that is about 4,000 years old," Alva, director of the Museum Tumbas Reales (Royal Tombs) of Sipan, told Reuters by telephone after announcing the results of carbon dating at a ceremony north of Lima sponsored by Peru's government. "What's surprising are the construction methods, the architectural design and most of all the existence of murals that could be the oldest in the Americas," he said. Peru is rich in archaeological treasures, including the Inca citadel of Machu Picchu in the Andes.

Bob's wife uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as he was watching TV. He stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair." The last thing he remembers saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1TY1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Label the Labels If you have more than one child, it can become difficult to remember which article of clothing goes with which child. One easy solution is to mark the initials of owners on the clothing tag with permanent ink. Use a different color for each child. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

REPORTED TO BE REAL-LIFE ADS ~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. ~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. ~ A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. ~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. ~ For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. ~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. ~ We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. ~ For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. ~ Great Dames for sale. ~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. ~ Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. ~ Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. ~ If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. ~ MT. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. ~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. ~ Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cakes Galore By the way, my old Irsch Chrischmasch Cake recipe is still at Irish Christmas Cake
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Vista Game problems 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, Nov 26, 2007
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive. -- John Sladek Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. -- Niels Bohr, to a young physicist My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. -- Errol Flynn
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. Dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered "Yes father". Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Thanks to Arvid for this report: I decided to stop worrying about my wife's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

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"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching twelve fish and he caught two!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to edin M, 21 of Sarajevo, Bosnia Sleeping on the job November 22, 2007 - Sarajevo, Bosnia-Herzegovina - AP Perhaps it was a problem with working nights. But a burglar who broke into a house in Bosnia is now in jail after a homeowner discovered him sleeping on the job. Police in the central Bosnia town of Maglai say the suspect, identified only as 21-year-old Edin M., confessed to snatching two bracelets. But before leaving, he decided to sit down on a couch to rest and then promptly fell asleep. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0711 ... ed_burglar
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture of pelicans : These pelicans, or close relatives of them, spent their summer up here in Canada, but like the snow birds, spend the winter in Florida. Sandie captured them with her phone camera just off Pine Island.
Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Vista Game problems Dear Webby, once again thanks for the newsletter and all the information I find here. Can you please tell me why I can't play on-line games with Vista. I have tried logging onto both yahoo Games and MSN only to recieve a notice saying Internet Explorer cannot open the Internet site http://games.yahoo.com/py. Operation aborted. Also, please do you know of a free power-point programme I can download to Vista? Thanks in advance for you help, Ann. Dear Ann I don't use or recommend Vista. Can't help you there. Have FUN! DearWebby

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A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church." The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Deeli's Kudos November 25, 2007 - Boise, Idaho - AP Candace Jennings was sleeping on the couch when she was nudged awake by her dog, Anna, to find her mobile home engulfed in flames early Thanksgiving Day. The blond heeler, an abused stray dog Jennings had adopted from an animal shelter, whined and howled until they ran outside. ''I had an awful headache. The place was filled with smoke,'' But Jennings said she ran back into her burning home to save some items. ''I'm a janitor in town,'' she said. ''I had everyone's keys in my backpack. I had to go back and get them.'' She crawled back into her burning home in Idaho City, about 40 miles northeast of Boise, with Anna close at her side. But Jennings said she became disoriented and was nearly overcome by smoke. She tried to get back out but crawled in the wrong direction, heading toward the pantry instead of the door. Anna showed her the way out. ''She pushed on me; she nudged me out the door,'' Jennings said. The roof collapsed as Jennings, barefoot and wearing only pajamas, ran to some trees in the 15-degree weather. Jennings suffered burns to her feet and then frostbite. Anna and two other dogs Jennings has were not injured. ''She's a hero,'' said Jennings, an artist who has lived in the mountain town since 1975. http://www.happynews.com/news/11252007/ ... o-fire.htm

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at eleven1TY1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Decorations Your Children Can Make Here are some decorations your kids can make. Paint macaroni and string it together to wrap around your tree. Have them cut out snowflakes from white paper to decorate your walls. Or have kids string together popcorn and cranberries. Balls made from crumpled aluminum foil and splattered with water colors also look quite classy. For splattering, use a toothbrush, not a paintbrush, and rub it over the backside of a sieve. With a little bit of practice, it puts a fine and even spray onto whatever is about a foot below the sieve. Candy- apple red and electric blue dots look great. Best done in the shower or sink. DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cakes Galore By the way, my old Irsch Chrischmasch Cake recipe is still at Irish Christmas Cake
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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