Dear Webby: Happy New Year! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 31, 2008
Last day of the year.

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. --- Jimmy Buffett
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Usually right after it breaks."
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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City 7th grader, said, "This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know, totally not cool." In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school breaks. Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given something real to strike about!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, Illinois Bank robber busted after leaving behind own pay stub The note handed to a Fifth Third Bank teller Friday was clear enough (despite some language errors): "Be Quick Be Quit. Give your cash or I'll shoot." What was even clearer to FBI investigators examining the note was that they were not dealing with a criminal mastermind. The alleged robber, identified Monday as Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, had written it on the back of his own pay stub, which helpfully provided the FBI with his name and home address. "It's fairly unusual that we see something that specifically stupid," said FBI spokesman Ross Rice. "But overall, we see a lot of strange bank robberies."
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and to soak it in dishwater three times a day."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: --No Questions today-- Since there were no questions or requests today, I am going to take this space to thank you for 2008, and wisdh you all the Best for 2009. Have FUN! DearWebby
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from smashed nuts of some kind?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast with peanut butter...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Liquor Store Boxes Ask your local liquor store for boxes. Pick out some boxes with cardboard dividers which are used for shipping bottles. These boxes are great for storing and protecting breakable ornaments. Save your tissue paper and wrapping paper from presents to wrap your ornaments before putting them in the box. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World Clock
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Virus or infection 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 30, 2008


The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. --- Quentin Crisp Of those who say nothing, few are silent. --- Thomas Neill
An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter and began asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry aboard the airplane today?" "No," said the woman. "Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag. "Yes," she answered. "Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?" "Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way, or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control."
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Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." hand written underneath: "Socks can eat any place they want."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Fat Iguana (vegetarian dragon)
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a woman in Manchester, England Woman dials 999 after 'Strictly' vote failure A woman dialled 999 (British equivalent of 911), furious she could not get through to vote for "Strictly Come Dancing" winner Tom Chambers. It was just one of a string of ridiculous emergency calls over the Christmas period. reports the Daily Mirror. Others included a priest complaining he was not allowed to use a toilet in a WH Smith store and a man who said shop staff had put unwanted mushrooms on his pizza. Another caller dialled 999 to report Santa was breaking into a house with Rudolf. Greater Manchester Police got almost 5,000 emergency calls but a "significant portion" were from people who did not need them.
Before Linda got married, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Difference between infection and virus Dear Webby Love all the computer information you give out. Is there a difference bewtween an infection and a virus on the computer. You have all the answers so thought I would ask you. Thank you again as you have helped me in the past. Have a great day. Shirley Dear Shirley An infection can be a virus, worm, trojan, spyware, ransom-ware, or malware. 1) Virus: tries to infect further computers 2) Worm: similar to virus, but does not try to infect further computers 3) Trojan: similar to worm, but is part of a program that you AGREED to run 4) Spyware: Just spies on you and reports, does not try to spread 5) Ransom-Ware: Demands payment 6) Malware: Does bad stuff like messing up your registry and/or weakening your security Some infections can have more than just one of those aspects. Have FUN! DearWebby
The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!" "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said. "Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Gifts For Next Year Any item such as gift sets or baking equipment can be gifted the following year or during the year as birthday presents. Just remember that just because it doesn't cost much doesn't mean it's a good deal. Some of the things leftover are leftover because they weren't salable at regular price so pick carefully. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, practising my bagpipes."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Memories of the Sea
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Temperature in the status line 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 29, 2008


We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld A man's silence is wonderful to listen to. --- Thomas Hardy
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the kid.
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mark Hirons, William Albritton and Kemp Robertson, all 17, and a 16-year-old friend in Marietta, Georgia Four teens arrested for 'grinching' MARIETTA, Ga. (UPI) -- Authorities say four teenagers accused of destroying a Marietta, Ga., city councilman's Christmas decorations told police they were "grinching." Marietta police spokeswoman Gwen Lewis said the four youths -- 17-year-olds Mark Hirons, William Albritton and Kemp Robertson, and a 16-year-old whose name was not released -- were arrested after a long foot chase with police. They are accused of using a machete to destroy inflatable Christmas decorations in the yard of Marietta City Council Member Van Pearlberg, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Wednesday. "When questioned, the teens said they were out 'grinching,' or destroying lawn decorations," said Lewis, who added Robertson was found in possession of a machete and a sword was found inside a vehicle belonging to one of the teenagers. "The primary target of this night of grinching was the home of Marietta City Council Member and attorney Van Pearlberg, whose lawn has several inflatable decorations," Lewis said. "The teens told police they had just started chopping at the inflatables when they saw police drive by and decided to run." All four teenagers were charged and will have a criminal record.
After being laid off, Judie papered the town with her resume. Days passed, and she hadn't received a single phone call. She decided to take a closer look at the copies her husband had printed at his real estate office. Judie quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be reasonably accurate, can not be guaranteed."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Temperature in status line Webby, I would like to know of a safe, free download that shows the temperature next to the time on my taskbar. Do you know of one? Thank you for your time and your help. You are the only one I trust. Carolyn Dear Carolyn The only safe one I know is the outside thermometer from the Dollar store, that you stick onto a real glass window or window sill. You don't even have to turn the computer on for those. Actually, the $2.95 digital thermometers from the Radio Shack are safe too. They have a six foot long wire that sticks outside through a little hole that you drill through the wall or window frame. They have a digital display, but you have to change the AA battery once a year. I have one of those on the West side. I bought it about 20 years ago. They might be a bit more expensive now. Have FUN! DearWebby
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "Dad, I REALLY don't want to be president by the time I am your age !!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Returning Items If you plan on returning items that you received as a gift but don't have a receipt you will want to do it within a week or so of Christmas. Most stores are much more relaxed about returns immediately after Christmas. If you don't have a receipt, they may only extend in store credit rather than cash. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: NASA Pix of Earth
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: : XP on eMachines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 28, 2008


As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now, go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. Why, what do you think that means?" "That means we're 'piscopalians."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Walmart in Lisbon, Connecticut Bonehead Award of the YEAR http://snipurl.com/95doh [www_norwichbulletin_com] http://snipurl.com/95dp9 [www_sodahead_com] WalMart employee buys $1300.00 worth of $10 gift cards & hands them to shoppers as they come in the door. WalMart first accused him of stealing them (he produced the receipt) & then WalMart fired him for disrupting regular business. Last Update: 3:24 pm LISBON, Conn. ­ A man says he was told to leave a Lisbon, Connecticut Wal-Mart Saturday when employees discovered him handing out $10 gift cards to unsuspecting strangers. Barry Goldberg said he bought $1,300 worth of $10 dollar gift cards at the Wal-Mart in Lisbon and as a gesture of goodwill, he started handing them out to customers in the store lobby. “I figured let me see if I can’t make a difference in peoples’ lives, for the better,” Goldberg said. “A lot of people couldn’t believe that there’s actually people that exist in this world that are actually going to share in a random act of generosity and not look for anything in return.” After a half hour, a store manager told him to leave, Goldberg said. So he went out into the parking lot and handed them out there until he was told by store officials to leave the property . A Wal-Mart spokesman confirmed the incident, saying it was not an official "Wal-Mart promotion."
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again..?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Earl Re: Emachines loaded with XP Howdy Webby, Great humor letter, I have noticed E-Machines loaded with XP at Wal Mart Stores in California. Earl Dear Earl That is good news indeed! While the early eMachines were cheap junk, they have drastically improved in the last 4 years, and nowadays are generally considered better than HP/Compaq. The only problem I can see, is that there is no business entrance and no way to get standard 4:3 ratio monitors with it, only the wide screens. Personally, I am not going to lower my standards to those, to save a few bucks. However, if you still have usable standard monitors, then those XP eMachines are a great deal. Have FUN! DearWebby
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long long line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven - others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into a burning fire pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss the soul to one side in a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why are you tossing those souls aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are from Seattle ... they're too wet to burn!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ham Leftovers Here are some ways to make use of your ham leftovers: ham and cheese omelets, ham and cheese sandwiches, split pea soup, ham and bean soup, ham and eggs, pot pies or quiche. My favorite is thick split pea soup Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married. Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Winter pictures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Has Vista been fixed or improved? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 27, 2008


A liberal is a person, whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --- Willis Player
At the supermarket parking lot I saw a lady who seemed rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables for my mother-in-law, but I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself !'"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' " "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Walmart in Connecticut Bonehead Award of the YEAR http://snipurl.com/95doh [www_norwichbulletin_com] http://snipurl.com/95dp9 [www_sodahead_com] WalMart employee buys $1300.00 worth of $10 gift cards & hands them to shoppers as they come in the door. WalMart first accused him of stealing them (he produced the receipt) & then WalMart fired him for disrupting regular business. Last Update: 3:24 pm LISBON, Conn. – A man says he was told to leave a Lisbon, Connecticut Wal-Mart Saturday when employees discovered him handing out $10 gift cards to unsuspecting strangers. Barry Goldberg said he bought $1,300 worth of $10 dollar gift cards at the Wal-Mart in Lisbon and as a gesture of goodwill, he started handing them out to customers in the store lobby. “I figured let me see if I can’t make a difference in peoples’ lives, for the better,” Goldberg said. “A lot of people couldn’t believe that there’s actually people that exist in this world that are actually going to share in a random act of generosity and not look for anything in return.” After a half hour, a store manager told him to leave, Goldberg said. So he went out into the parking lot and handed them out there until he was told by store officials to leave the property . A Wal-Mart spokesman confirmed the incident, saying it was not an official "Wal-Mart promotion."
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, her father is bald."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irvin Re: Is Vista fixed now? Dear Webby, Some friends claim that Vista has been fixed and is OK to use now. Is that just hype, or is there some truth to that? Thanks Irwin Dear Irwin Just hype. Those friends, if they lose their drivers license and have to park their car, would probably tell you that walking and taking the bus is good for you, and not so bad once you get used to it. The day they get their drivers license back, they will be driving again, and if they could get an XP machine, they would instantly switch and forget all their hype. Because of the demand, XP machines are more expensive, but they ARE still available at the business entrance of most computer vendors, with XP installed, and Vista on a beer coaster, like the CDs that AOL used to send around. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Susan died

Susan Sanders-Kinzel, the founder and chief executive of
Thrifty-Fun passed away Dec 21.
She was a great friend and inspiration to all who knew her.
We will miss her
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Fun Fotos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Isass.exe problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 26, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops!

"God gave us memory that we might have roses in December." - James Matthew Barrie "You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Tom Wilson
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced: "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Ophelia, a member of the Humor Letter subscriber family, and self confessed redneck, desperately needs your votes between now and year end. With your help she can make it onto the top page and show in the archive for 2008. Her voting URL is at Vote for Ophelia Please help her out!
It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take Him?" The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block in it...."
The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
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Snow Plow Bait, have not done that for a few years. The roads around here are not steep enough.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a woman in Dusseldorf, Germany World's untidiest car banned Police in Germany banned a woman driver's car from the road - for being too untidy. The Vauxhall Astra was so full of junk, magazines, old clothes and even bits of furniture, that they could barely see the driver at it roared down a motorway near Dusseldorf. The driver - who has not been named by police - has been banned from taking the car on the road again until it has passed a tidiness test. Police said the car was so full of junk the woman's face was pressed up against the windscreen as she drove.
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandie Re: ISASS.exe/application error Dear Webby, my daughter wrote me that her ie has a brownish yellow color around the top left of the e, and when you click on it and nothing happens, google loaed then off then back to reg screen then screen went blank... error says ISASS.exe/application error memory could not be written. What causes that? Dear Sandie Isass can be a Windows file that works fine, unless it is overwritten by a trojan or virus. lsass.exe is a process which is registered as a trojan. This Trojan allows attackers to access your computer from remote locations, stealing passwords, Internet banking and personal data. This process is a security risk and should be removed from your system. lsass.exe is registered as a downloader. This process usually comes bundled with a virus or spyware and its main role is to do nothing other than download other viruses/spyware to your computer. This process is a security risk and should be removed from your system. Tell her to run mcAfee or Superantispyware. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Perfume or Cologne and Clothing Put perfume or cologne on your skin instead of your clothing. The perfume may stain or damage some types of fabric. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The budding young Yuppette had been dating a successful stockbroker for several months. Just before Christmas she asked her Mother, "Whatever can you give a man who has everything for Christmas?" Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied, "Encouragement dear, encouragement."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Denver Zoo Videos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Merry Christmas from Dear Webby 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas,  !


And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. --Dr. Seuss
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters." "And what did she say when you told her you were an only child?" his mom asked. And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
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Thanks to Martin for this picture Rock carving of Nativity, Church of St. Simeon, El Muquttam mountain and "Garbage City," suburb of Cairo, Egypt
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Frederick Brantley, 25, of Lombard, Illinois Robber betrayed by stutter A robber with a distinctive stutter has been arrested in the US after he held up a store where he used to work. He wore a black ski mask to conceal his identity when he demanded cash at knife-point, reports Metro. But a former colleague at the Dunkin' Donuts store in Lombard, Illinois, recognized the robber's voice. After he had left the shop, the worker called police and gave his name. The 25-year-old suspect was then arrested in the parking lot. He had about $300 in cash in a white plastic Dunkin' Donuts bag and a knife in his pocket, police said.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jacques Re: Regrenew Greetings to you and your fine staff, and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Now for my problem. I am receiving a message on my pc which warns me of possible registry errors. The message cannot be copied or I would send you a screen shot. This is what it says: **************** Message from FROM to TO on (date) at (time) STOP ! SYSTEM MAY REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION Your operating system registry may have errors or be corrupt. To optionally check or fix your system registry, 1- Download Registry Update from: WWW.REGRENEW.COM 2- Install Registry Update 3- Run Registry Update 4- Reboot your computer etc.... Question: Is this something I should heed or is someone playing a cruel joke on me? How should I proceed? And how do I stop this message from appearing? Thank you for your kind assistance. Jacques Dear Jacques Do NOT click on that! Your computer is infected with ransom ware from REGRENEW.COM You are not in control of your computer any more. Possibly superantispyware can remove that. Have FUN! DearWebby


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. Merry Christmas from the Express Empress
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shelling Walnuts If you want to shell walnuts but keep the nut intact, soak the walnuts in saltwater overnight before shelling them. Then gently crack the nuts. Pre shelled walnuts are much more expensive. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Young Aaron Fikelstein came home in great excitement, saying, "Father! Father! On returning from school , I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the fifty-cent bus fare." The father replied by slapping the son on the cheek as he shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $25.00?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas Singalong
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby:  



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 24, 2008

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. --- Oscar Wilde
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A: Lawnmowers can be tuned.
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
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Redneck Christmas Tree
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the jail in Nashville, Tennessee. Wrong inmate released from Tennessee jail NASHVILLE (UPI) -- A burglary suspect walked out of a Tennessee jail posing as another man with a similar name who had been ordered released on his own recognizance. Kenneth Anderson, 46, got past four security checkpoints Wednesday morning, The Nashville Tennessean reported. The other inmate, Kennus Anderson, was freed once jail employees realized the mistake. Montgomery County Sheriff Norman Lewis described Anderson, a Nashville resident, as a "frequent flier" at the jail. He had been arrested at least 14 times in the past four years and had been held since Christmas Eve 2007 because he was unable to post $10,000 bail. Lewis said he does not believe Anderson is dangerous. Capt. Doug Tackett, the jail supervisor, said each inmate has a wristband with a photo, name and identification number. The information on the wristband is supposed to be checked at least four times during a release. "They even issued him his own personal property before they released him. They should have caught it then, too," Tackett said.
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up with a puzzled look and said, "Mom, these are MY feet!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jean Re: Foam on microphone Dear Webby I had always been wondering what the foam blob on my head set microphone was about. A few days ago my doggie chewed it off, and since then everybody has asked me if I got new teeth. What's the story, and will any other foam work? Jean Dear Jean The foam accomplishes the same thing as an expensive electronic "spit filter", it takes the excessive hiss and pop off the T's, TH's, P's and S's, and makes a cheap mike sound as good as an expensive one. The good news is that any open cell foam will work. Open cell means you can blow through it. The foam chips used in pillows work fine. Poke a hole into one, stick the microphone into it and try it. You can trim the foam chip with scissors to make it look better and also to sculpt the sound. Usually you want more damping on the side away from you, to cut the background noise, but for meetings you want the opposite, so you dampen your voice the most, and the voices farther away the least. For a softer voice, wash the foam together with clothes a few times. For a crisp command voice, spray it with varnish, spray-on starch or canvas sizing. Have FUN! DearWebby

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse, put the green mud-pack on her face, the teeth-whitening cartridge in her mouth and proceeded to wash her hair and stick curlers into it. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel over her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that monfter ?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baking Soda in Your Clothes Hamper Pour a little baking soda into the bottom of your hamper to help keep your dirty clothes smelling fresh. You can even keep a shaker with baking soda in it near your hamper to shake on top of your clothes when needed. A used and cleaned out Parmesan cheese container works great. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jimmie and Johnnie were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW ..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "I know, but Gramma is!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas" target="_blank" >http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2008/12/c ... ;Christmas TV Vegetation
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Dear Webby: Safe place to get Superantispyware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 23, 2008

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. --- Granville Hicks There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Johnny Silfrain, 18, of Hallandale Beach, Florida Man took hearse for joyride WEST PARK, Fla. (UPI) -- Broward County, Fla., officials said an 18-year-old was arrested after he took a hearse from a church during a funeral and took it for a joyride. Broward sheriff's deputies said Johnny Silfrain, 18, took the hearse, which still had the keys in it, from the Gethsemane Missionary Baptist Church in West Park after the casket was removed from the back for the funeral, The Miami Herald reported. Silfrain allegedly made a stop at his parents' home in Hallandale Beach before evading chasing police and heading back toward the church. The stolen hearse was soon met by sheriff's deputies, who fired at least two shots at the vehicle -- one of which struck Silfrain in the leg, authorities said. Sheriff's officials said Silfrain was arrested after abandoning the hearse back at the church and fleeing into the church, where the service was still being conducted. He was taken to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood to receive treatment for the gunshot wound.
Sign at the church: Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: Where can I get Superantispyware ? Dear Webby Regarding SuperAntispywear, can you tell me where is a safe place to download it from. I'm a bit nervous about downloading anything now after thinking a site was safe and it wasn't. Thanks if you can help if not not a problem. Happy Christmas to you also to your dad, wishing lot's of laughs and happy memories for both of you and your loved ones. Trish Dear Trish You can get it straight from their site at http://www.superantispyware.com Have FUN! DearWebby

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?" "Yes Sir", answered the boy "I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?" "My father, sir." "And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly. "He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up and confused, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baking Bacon Cooking bacon in the oven allows you to cook large quantities of bacon quickly. Just line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and lay your bacon flat. Cook at 400 degrees F for 15 to 20 minutes. For less greasy bacon, use a cookie sheet too. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World's Tallest Snow-Woman
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, is Superantispyware legit? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 22, 2008

Winter Solstice! Yeeehaw!!!!
Days are getting longer!

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --- George Bernard Shaw Getting caught is the mother of invention. --- Robert Byrne
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven." "I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?" "It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
Thanks to Kris About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny." "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
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Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Atlanta Burger King. Economy is just fine in Atlanta.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bob Singh, 38, in Port Talbot, England Police warning - for jokes Police have issued a Welsh shopkeeper with a warning - over his jokes. Bob Singh thought the policeman who visited his shop in Port Talbot was having a laugh, reports the Daily Mail. But the officer told him there had been a complaint about the gags he prints on leaflets advertising his corner shop's Christmas offers. Police said his gags could offend people and warned the shopkeeper that he could face prosecution for a public order offence. Mr Singh, 36, has been forced to withdraw his leaflets which include gags like: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? Stick a tyre gauge in her ear! He said: "I couldn't believe my ears. I thought they were joking - but they were deadly serious. "This proves the world has gone completely crazy. Why are the police getting involved in something like this?" Mr Singh has put a sign in the shop window apologising to anyone who may have been offended by the leaflet and adding: "In future we will try to be more politically correct." Sgt Simon Merrick confirmed: "The content of promotional material has been brought to our attention as being potentially inflammatory and offensive. "The distributor has been appropriately advised and instructed to withdraw the leaflets."
Thanks to Curtis for this story: While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital. I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry or have a temper tantrum."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gerry Re: Is SuperAntiSpyware Legit Dear Webby Some people suggested that I use SuperAntiSpyware to remove some sneaky stuff, some of it similar to what Louis mentioned yesterday. However, with a name like that, I am concerned that it might be ransom ware. Is it legit? Gerry Dear Gerry Yes, it is legit and I have not heard anything bad about it. So far, everybody who mentioned it, said it successfully got rid of whatever their machine was infcted with. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Linda for this story: Yesterday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the WalMart manager came and unplugged it.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crack a Nut Without a Nut Cracker No nut cracker on hand? Here are some other ways to crack a nut. 1. Use a vice grip or pliers. 2. Place the nut in a towel and hit it with a blunt option like a hammer or mallet. Another ladies' method is to put walnuts or similar nuts between two leather gloves, then hit them with the heel of a shoe. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving my Jeep."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Winter Solstice
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Pop-Ups and changing security settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 21, 2008

Winter Solstice! Yeeehaw!!!!

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. --- Margaret Mitchell "The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." Cicero - 55 BC
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kathleen Cherry, 53, of Carson City, Nevada Drunk drive tester 'drove drunk' A US woman has been charged with drunk driving after she drove to a jail to test a suspected drink driver. A Carson city sheriff's deputy smelled alcohol on the breath of Kathleen Cherry, 53, a contract worker for a Nevada sheriff's department. She told him she had had one margarita before making the journey but she failed a blood test. She's accused of failing field sobriety tests and registering a blood alcohol content over the state's legal limit, the Nevada Appeal newspaper reported. Cherry, a phlebotomist trained to draw blood for lab tests, declined to comment after she was charged with drunk driving, reports Metro.
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Louis Re: PopUps and changes in security settings dear webby, once again I come to you for aid! I must be doing something wrong.. mozilla would let in alot of spammail, google does not stop them either, MSN is still a pain in the you know what...I need to know how I can get my XP computer to run well without all the hassles of MSN or all those popups. and for the life of me, I don't why my security setting for the cookies keeps opening to the lowest level. you're our guru of wisdom and once again, please help this old dog. or do I just delete everything and reinsert the CD that came with the computer from the first day that I bought it? Louis DearLouis Sounds like your computer is infected with something nasty. You can try fixing it with McAfee, but you might end up having to format and re-install anyway. Some of that Malware blocks McAfee and many other anti-virus programs. So, back up your pictures and recipes onto a CD, then use the Set-Up CD to format and re-install. Good Luck! DearWebby Have FUN! DearWebby

My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Folding Chair Bags For Storing Wrapping Paper If you don't keep your collapsible (camping) chairs in the pouch they came in, you can store your rolls of wrapping paper in them. It keeps light and dust from ruining the rolls of paper and they usually have a tote handle. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I graduated from a school that I didn't like much. Once I was outta there, I had no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive or future athletic events. Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my current number and tracked me down. 'So, what have you been doing with yourself?' the perky alumnus asked. I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just stealing cars and running moonshine." They've never called back.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Winter Solstice
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Symbolic Link 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 20, 2008

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. --- Thomas Jefferson Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. --- E. W. Dijkstra
I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Democratic Party MP's in Korea Korean MPs brawl in parliament Brawling MPs used sledgehammers to force their way into a parliamentary committee room in South Korea. Opposition members struggle with security guards /PA Opposition Democratic Party members wanted to get into the room to block a free-trade agreement with the US. Ruling Grand National Party members fought back with fire extinguishers and fists as the country's parliament descended into chaos. Scuffles broke out as dozens of opposition MPs and their aides attempted to push their way in to the committee room. TV footage showed people from both sides shoving, pushing and shouting in a crowded hall at the National Assembly building, amid a barrage of flashing cameras. Ruling Grand National Party members use fire extinguishers to try to keep opposition Democratic Party members from entering a parliamentary committee room Protesters used a sledgehammer and other tools to tear open the room's wooden doors, only to find barricades of furniture set up inside as a second line of defence. The opposition attempt to block the free-trade deal failed, and ten GNP MPs introduced the bill to the committee. Supporters say it will not only expand trade but also further cement ties between Washington and Seoul. Opponents claim it would cause pain to key sectors in both nations: agriculture in South Korea and the motor industry in the US.
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robin Re: Sym Link in Windows Dear Webby Is there a way to make a symbolic link between folders in Windows, like you do on Unix or Linux? Thanks Robin Dear Robin There is, but it is not implemented well and trashes your file system if you move folders around. Just make a shortcut. Go into the folder above it, highlight the target folder, right-click it and select: "Make A Shortcut". Then drag that shortcut to the folder, from where you want to sort files into the target folder. If you name that shortcut "!!!", it will be alphabetically on top and always easy to find. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Kim for this story: My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place. When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Popcorn Garland An easy and cheap garland is a popcorn garland. String popcorn together using a large needle and thread (or fishing line). You can add a little color by mixing in some raw cranberries. You can use this indoors on your Christmas tree or outdoors as decorative bird food. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being." There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that." "Good!," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Awesome Blossoms
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Firefox as main browser 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 19, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops. 

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies. --- Edgar Watson Howe
Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said, "My grandfather has a wooden leg." The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a cedar chest."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
A girl says to , "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." says, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Anne Flavin, 55, in Kyle, County Tipperary, Ireland Gatekeeper blocks busy rail line KYLE, Ireland (UPI) -- A woman angry about the prospect of losing her job as a gatekeeper at a railroad crossing blocked traffic on Ireland's busiest rail line Tuesday. Anne Flavin said she was angry because Iarnrod Eireann, the national rail company, had sent contractors to work on the crossing while she is still in negotiations over her job and railroad company house in Kyle, County Tipperary, The Irish Independent reported. She said the contractors had returned even after the rail company had promised to hold off. "I warned them I would block trains if they attempted it again," Flavin said. Flavin parked her car across the Dublin-Cork line at about 2:30 p.m. She brought traffic on the line to a halt, delaying at least three trains and inconveniencing over 1000 people.. The rail company has been closing level crossings, where streets and tracks intersect, as a safety measure. The company said they had no plans to evict Flavin from the house she shares with her husband and son.
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann S Re: Firefox as main browser Hi Webby: Your Newsletter makes my day!!! Quick question: Should I make Firefox my main browser, since the IE has so many problems?? Thanks Ann S Dear Ann Yes, sure. I have used FireFox as my main browser for years, and I definitely would not use any other browser for PayPal, banking or shopping. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ralph for this story: When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Loaning a Car Call your insurance company prior to loaning out your car to make sure that your coverage extends to them. It's important that they are covered because if they get an in an accident in your car, you could be held liable for damages even if you are not the driver. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Christmas Trains
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Keylogger intrusion attempt 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 18, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops. 

"According to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), today's turkeys are so fat that they can't stand, they're susceptible to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating. I'm sorry, but that's us they're talking about." --- Jay Leno "One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again!" --- Jim Carrey
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" "I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
Heirloom book of Christmas Stories All the stories your grandmother knew. Put the eBook onto a CD and add your family pictures for a truly memorable and useful Christmas gift.
New Definitions To Learn TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. DIVORCE -- usually due to marriage PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver. OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vuong Pham, 48, in Westminster, CA Sent in by Deeli Klepto WESTMINSTER, Calif. – A suspicious surplus of Christmas spirit led to the arrest of a man in Southern California. Westminster police say officers responded to a disturbance call at the house of 48-year-old Vuong Pham, where they found rooms overflowing with wicker reindeer, plastic snowmen and inflatable Santas. For weeks people in Pham's Orange County neighborhood had reported a steady disappearance of lights, figures and faux trees from their front yards. Police say they connected the thefts to Pham after looking through his house and arrested him Monday on suspicion of grand theft and possession of stolen property. Officer Cameron Knauerhaze says it took three trucks to take all the Christmas contraband to the station. Police weren't clear on the motive.
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rebecca Re: Key Logger intrusion attempt Hello Webby. I do not know if I am at the right email address for AngelEyes Cards but this was the only contact email address I could find. I would not bother if this were not important. I have a very sophisticated spyware program running in the background and while I was on AngelEyes and had just sent a card with poem and music, my spyware program had a pop up screen that told me there was a key logging program trying to load onto or access my computer!! The name of is was: paq keylog 5.0 I thought you needed to know this. Thank you for the sites you host. Take care and have a blessed Christmas and a safe New Year. Sincerely, Rebecca A. Dear Rebecca Sounds like the timing was just a coincidence. Angeleyes2.com is on a UNIX server and can't be infected with Windows programs. All it can do is show pages and send cards. Those key loggers and other hack programs just try one computer after another, until they find some unprotected grampa or gramma. It makes no difference what you got running or what you are visiting at the time, those programs are like burglars trying the back doors of all houses, to see if one is unlocked. As long as you are connected to te Internet, they can knock on your door. If you have a firewall, they go elsewhere. If you don't, they get in. That is why you use a fire-wall and anti-spyware and anti-virus programs. You would have seen the same warning, no matter what you did in the foreground. Just avoid using Internet Explorer and use FireFox or Opera instead. Have FUN! DearWebby

As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Magnet for Picking Up Needles and Pins Keep a magnet by your sewing machine to pick up needles and metal pins when they fall on the floor. You can also keep needles and pins from falling on the floor in the first place by putting them on a magnet when you are not using them. Tool and better hardware stores sell flexible magnetic strips with a self-adhesive back. They are strong enough to hold mechanic's tools on a wall, and can easily carry an array of different scissors and needles. I made an embroidery case for a friend once and glued those strips into an attache case. It worked out great and even with rough handling nothing ever came loose. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Absurd Signs
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: MSIE problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 17, 2008

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. --- Abraham Lincoln I know I'm going to get old and be one of those crazy women who sits on balconies and spits on people and screams, 'Get a haircut!' I know this, and I don't really fear it. I'd just like to move toward it with as much grace and dignity as possible. --- Carrie Fisher
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Halfway down."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic. When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?" Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was 69 dollars worth of blinker fluid."
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Cab in Quebec
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Franz Dobusch and Hannelore Rauter in Linz, Austria Eco excuse for sacrilege Mayor calls political nativity crib rubbish An Austrian mayor ordered cleaners to chuck out the Town Hall's ECO Christmas nativity crib - after mistaking it for rubbish. The green display - made from recycled materials - was meant to be an artistic criticism of the over commercialization of the holiday season, totally missing the point of the nativity scene. Franz Dobusch, mayor of Linz, northern Austria, told staff to scrap it, thinking it was just a pile of old packaging and advertising brochures. When fans of the "artist" protested, the mayor chickened and saved the pathetic display from the scrapheap. "Artist" Hannelore Rauter said the piece was intended to make people "step back and become more reflective" at Christmas. ------------------ Personally, I would suggest throwing both the sacrilegious "artist" and the gutless mayor into the dump. Even though I am not very religious, I respect every religion's sacred and traditional icons, and don't think they should be abused for political messages.
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?" Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a question." "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. "Who threw the blackboard eraser at the teacher?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dina Re: Music stops Dear Webby, I use IE for playing Accu Radio as background music in the office. That has worked fine for years, but lately it stopped once or twice a day. Then I have to close the IE and open it again. Is there a problem with Accu Radio or is it my computer? Thanks Dina Dear Dina The problem is IE. I realize that IE is convenient for background programs, so that you can shrink them out of the way, without affecting the browser window sizes of other or new browser windows, but IE is simply not safe or reliable enough. Make sure you have ALL IE Windows closed, not just minimized, when you go to PayPal, any bank or onto a shopping cart, and use only FireFox or Opera for those. Type or paste your custom URL for AccuRadio, for example http://accuradio.com/app/radioframe?&am ... el=country into the FireFox address bar, hold down SHIFT, and then click on the little Do-To arrow at the right of the address bar. It will open in a new browser window, not in a new tab. Then you can shrink that new browser window, or keep it separate, so that you can mute the radio quickly when a voice call comes in, without affecting the volume of the voice calls. Have FUN! DearWebby

All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys instead.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Address Books and Christmas Card List In your address book, using a red or green marker, place a "C" for Christmas next to last name of each person you wish to have on your Christmas list. This can easily been done even if you have your list on a PDA or computerized. Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_246.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: History-making Moments of 2008
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Verizon problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 16, 2008

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. --- Aesop Seems that has been going on for quite a while. Aesop lived in 620–560 BC in Greece.
The band leader had a drummer who dragged. After remonstrating with him without success the band leader had to fire him. The drummer was so distraught that he went down to the railway station and threw himself behind a train. Q: How can you tell the trombone player's kid on the playground? A: He can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide. Q: How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but they'll go through the whole box till they find one they like. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicapped zones. Q: What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, and the other is a bird. Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? A: "Year-at-a-glance" Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A: On or off. Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax? A: Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles. Q: What's the range of the French horn? A: 30 feet if you get a good grip. Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. Q: What's the difference between a baritone sax and a vacuum cleaner? A: The vibrato. Q: What do pirates and trumpet players have in common? A: They are both murder on the high C's. Two tuba players are walking past a bar...Well, it could happen! Q: What do all great conductors have in common? A: They're all dead. Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who was in tune? A: Neither did I. Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player? A: His Amp. Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: A coffin has the corpse inside. Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha? A: Lipstick. Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy"? A: Apparently, all of them. Q: How do you put a twinkle in a female singer's eye? A: Shine a light in her right ear. Q: How can you tell when a soprano is at the front door? A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint? A: Have them read off the same part. Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Phil Woods would have done it. Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: Viola burns longer.
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A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych major then switched to English Lit. After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy. She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
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Thanks to Doug for these pictrues: Officer Bullwinkle making sure there is no cutting of Christmas trees without a permit.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Darnell Frazier, 25, in St Paul, Minnesota Tattoo stupid for words A US motorist's attempt to lie about his name to a police officer failed - because it was tattooed on his neck. Darnell Frazier, 25, and a friend were pulled up by a police officer in St. Paul, Minnesota, reports the Star Tribune. Frazier told the officer he had never had a photo ID and claimed his name was Darnell Lewis. The officer, however, noticed that the man had "Frazier" tattooed in large letters on the side of his neck. Police spokesman Peter Panos said Frazier was arrested on four misdemeanour warrants, including driving while disqualified and no proof of insurance. He also had at least two outstanding arrest warrants, a probation violation for bringing a stolen vehicle into Minnesota and a failure to appear in Hennepin County on a drug charge.
There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish. They politely say to each other: "You may choose first." "No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while. Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first." And he takes the BIG piece of fish. The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!" The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?" The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course." The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Not getting subscriptions Dear Webby, still no humor letter for today. I'm lost with out, it any help? thanks, Dorothy Dear Dorothy You ARE subscribed, and the Humor Letter goes out to you every night. Either you or Verizon is blocking it. If it is not you, screech a temper tantrum at Verizon. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ken for this story: My wife and I were traveling on the #2 in Alberta, bucking 60 m.p.h. crosswinds and slowing down to a crawl whenever the wind blew a sheet of snow across the highway or when a semi passed us and made the highway invisible. It was almost a relief when a Mountie stopped us. He was diplomatic and didn't accuse us of being drunk, but he did suggest that we pull off the highway at the next motel and wait until the highway had been cleared. I asked him, "What do you people do in when the wind quits?" The mountie grinned and didn't miss a beat."Well, I just leave these two 50 pound ammo belts in the car. My wife takes her spare car battery out of her purse." -------------------------- Awww, it's not that bad. Just don't wear loose clothing or you might be traveling a lot faster than you intended.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Restaurant Nutritional Information If you are watching your weight, be sure to check out the nutritional information online before eating out. Most restaurant chains post this information on their corporate website. Just type the name of restaurant and "nutrition information" into your favorite search engine. Visit ThriftyFun For More Dieting Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_934.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Alberta Photots
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Dear Webby: Removing miniature light bulbs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. --- Dan Rather All marriages are mixed marriages. --- Chantal Saperstein
Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this perennial classic: As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on! My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.
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Thanks to Donna for this story: Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon- strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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Tomorrow he's going to try it with the lens cap off.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Christopher Moss in Gaston County, N.C. YouTube police impersonator arrested GASTONIA, N.C. (UPI) -- Police in Gaston County, N.C., say they arrested a man accused of putting footage of himself impersonating a police officer on YouTube. Sgt. Chris Reynolds said investigators identified David Christopher Moss from his YouTube video and arrested him on a charge of impersonating a police officer, The Charlotte (N.C.) Observer reported Wednesday. "I don't know if these are people who were having problems on the street," Reynolds said. "He approached them, somebody was videoing for him, and he asked them to leave the street area. He represented himself twice" as a police officer. Moss, whose YouTube channel also includes videos titled "Hot Girls Kissing," "Irish Guy Gets Drunk" and "Prostitute Wants a Ride," was released from Gaston jail on $2,500 unsecured bond.
Linda and Kim were up in the far north woods, out looking for a Christmas tree. They were all bundled up from head to toe, carrying their hatchets and a coil of rope to tie on and drag it back. They had thought of everything. They were all set, but they couldn't find the right tree. They searched for hours, slogging through knee-deep snow. The wind was blowing and the wolves were howling, but they persevered. Had to get that Christmas tree. Finally, as the sun was beginning to head downward, one turned to the other and said, "That's it! I've had enough! The next tree we come to, we're going to cut it down, whether it's got lights on it or not!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana Re: Removing miniature bulbs Dear Webby, Occasionally I read questions from your readers that pertain to subjects other than computers - so thought I'd try one. Hope you can guide me to some website where I might find an answer to my problem. I have a bulb broken off in a battery operated flameless candle stick. The bulb is broken all the way so that the only portion left is inside the screw-in section so that I have no way of twisting it out to replace the bulb. I looked at the only site I know of which is ehow.com ( how to do most everything) and no information was available at that site. As so many of your other readers say when they write to you, your newsletter is the best thing in my inbox each day. Thanks for your work and I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Diana Albany, GA Dear Diana Take some heavy, glossy junkmail and roll it up tightly, so that it will just fit into the hollow part of the broken light bulb. Stick it in in such a way, that the roll-up spirals COUNTER-clockwise from the center. Roll it up tightly enough that you can stick it in straight, without twisting. Then turn the roll-up counter-clockwise. The sharp edges of the glossy junkmail try to spread out. That causes them to dig in and grab the remains of the bulb and twist it out. That trick also works for sewing machine light bulbs, oven light bulbs and even regular light bulbs. It takes much longer to read this, than to actually do it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty! years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Dress Shoes The easiest solution to a fixing a squeaky shoe is to sprinkle some baby powder in the heel, under the insole if possible. If that doesn't work, it could be the nails that hold the shoe together are producing the squeak. You can fix that by carefully hammering the shoe on the sole. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_1220.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country. She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his animals. "Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow in and that stops 'em cold." Judi nodded. The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns, ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wild Life Gallery
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Dear Webby:Paragraph versus Line Spacing 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 14, 2008

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. --- Fran Lebowitz Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had. --- Michael Crichton, Gullible Warming is a good example of that.
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. To make sure that each and every one of them remembered to visit her, she "forgot" to sign the checks.
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Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hi There!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Groer in Salzburg, Austria Dad shot son instead of burglar An Austrian man shot his own son as they both crept around their house thinking a burglar had broken in. Dad Thomas Groer woke up in the middle of the night, believing he'd heard an intruder in the family home in Salzburg, Austria, and grabbed his handgun to search for the thief. Meanwhile, his 19-year-old son Michael - woken by his father's prowling - emerged from his bedroom to confront a raider and was shot in the arm by his panicked dad. Police say the boy received a flesh wound and is stable after hospital treatment.
A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it. * The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass. * The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass. * The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine. * The Russian drank the wine, fly and all. * The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine. * The Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese. * The Romanian drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine. * The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod. * The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman. * The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering. * The Scotsman grabbed the fly, wrung it out, and drank the wine.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Liz Re: Difference between line break and paragraph in HTML Dear Webby What's the difference between line breaks and paragraphs? I keep getting yelled at for using the wrong one, but nobody seems to be able to properly explain the difference. Hope you can! Liz Dear Liz You can define a paragraph break to be, for example, one and a half times the space of a line break, or two times the space, or whatever you want. That will then apply to the entire site, that uses that style sheet. If somebody decided that the site should have paragraph breaks that are the equivalent of 1 3/4 line breaks, then your text with double line breaks for paragraph spacing will look odd. There is one seeming oddity to watch out for: Paragraph ends ususally turn off any font settings that you made inside that paragraph, even if you don't have a font end tag. That can cause a lot of frustration, if you don't know the cause of that mysterious font end. Have FUN! DearWebby

Anni showed up at the photo shop with an old picture of a former beau wearing a hat, She wanted to know if the photographer could retouch the photo and remove the hat from the picture. - He convinced Anni, that it could easily be accomplished, and asked her what side of his head did the man in the picture part his hair on. - Thinking hard for a moment, Anni said, "I forget, but you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paying for Home Improvement Projects Whenever you hire someone to do a home improvement project or yard work, never pay the full amount upfront. Get an estimate in writing and pay no more than half up front and then half upon completion. It will insure that the worker is motivated to do the job the way you want it done. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improvement_574.html Bigger projects need to be broken into progress stages, each with a scheduled progress inspection, so that the contractor can pay for supplies and wages for work completed. Don't take the contractors word over the phone about a stage completion, but actually inspect the work and take pictures, before releasing a progress payment. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the the aisle I was going down. "Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy," one said. "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is a litle more expensive." "Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He's just plain fussy," her friend replied. As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high-priced cat food.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Weird Food Facts
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Dear Webby: Leading versus Kerning in text 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 13, 2008

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. --- Dave Barry, Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. --- Robert Louis Stevenson
Thanks to Sandie for this story: The generation gap proved glaringly obvious at the mail-order music company where my wife works as a customer service representative. Some college students, who were working part-time inputting customer information, wrote the following notes regarding some golden oldies: "Customer is looking for two song titles: 'Shovel Off Two Buffaloes' and 'Honey, Suck a Rose.'"
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jocelyn Addison, 19; Nia McBrayer, 21; and Jenniffer Watson, 18 in in Bedford Heights, Ohio Robbers printed out armed robbery blueprint from Internet DECEMBER 12--After a trio of Ohio women was busted earlier this week following a botched robbery attempt, cops searched the group's getaway car and discovered printed instructions downloaded from the Internet that detailed "How To Commit Armed Robbery In Six Easy Steps." The seized instructions, a copy of which you'll find at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... uide1.html were printed Monday morning at 10:16, about 11 hours before the women sought to hold up the Dollar Tree store in Bedford Heights. When a manager claimed that she could not open the store safe, the alleged robbers--Jocelyn Addison, 19; Nia McBrayer, 21; and Jenniffer Watson, 18--departed empty-handed. Though the downloaded list was clearly written tongue-in-cheek, the suspects, who had masks, a plan, and a bb gun, apparently followed some of its suggestions. According to a December 8 Bedford Police Department report, Addison, McBrayer, and Watson were apprehended in a vehicle about a mile from the convenience store. Each woman was charged with robbery.
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barb Re: Leading and kerning text Dear Webby I know if anybody can explain this in terms I can understand, it's you. Can you please tell me the difference between leading and kerning and what it is all about? Thanks Barb Dear Barb Those terms come the days when books and newspapers were printed with moveable type. Each character was a little steel block, and the type setter stuffed them into "U" channels. For easier readability, they stuffed lead strips between the channels. Leading refers to the space between lines. It does not zoom the fonts. Kerning comes from the same time. To deal with words like MINILAVAT and get a reasonably even appearance without it looking like a character had fallen out of a line channel, they put notches at the top or bottom sides of some characters, and corners sticking out on the top or bottom sides of others.For example, the "I" had corners sticking out both top and bottom, on both sides, to give it more elbow room. The "L" had two corners on the left, a notch on the top right and a corner at the bottom right. Kerning eliminated manual horizontal leading and speeded up typesetting tremendously. Nowadays, the corners and notches are built into the fonts and the better word processors take care of that. Microsoft Office doesn't by default, Open Office uses kerning by default since version 2.2. In graphics programs you can increase and decrease kerning. Usually that is only used in logos and banners, when you want to stretch or shorten a line to match the other lines. Have FUN! DearWebby

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?" Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out." "OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents worth of ground beef . . . '"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Google Products Before You Buy Before you buy a product, go to your favorite search engine and type the product, model and "reviews" into the search engine to see what others thought of the products. Look for review sites that feature reviews and feedback from real people. Visit ThriftyFun For More Consumer Advice Once you have decided on an item, check pricegrabber.com for the dealer with the best price and shortest distance. In case of warranty problems, a store in walking distance is often easier to deal with than one in a different country. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago. I called her to see how she was doing. My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered. "Hey, B, how's your mama?" "She's sleeping," he whispered again. "She go back to the doctor for a checkup?" "Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly. "She's doing ok." "All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums."
Thanks to Ross for today's Bonus Link: Watch the graphics
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Filters versus Blacklists 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 12, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops!

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. --- Judith Martin The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking. --- Louis Vermeil
Thanks to Wendy for this report: The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For Instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening. What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.
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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. "Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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Thanks to Sr Ann for the above story and this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to burocrats and court in Timisoara, Romania Man wins court battle to prove he's alive A Romanian man has won a year-long fight to persuade the courts that he isn't dead. Gheroghe Stirbu, from Timisoara, tried to renew his identity card but was told by officials that he had been registered as dead. Bungling civil servants had mixed him up with another man but although Stirbu pointed out what they had done they refused to acknowledge their mistake until Stirbu won a 12 month legal claim to be declared alive. Judges renewed his status as alive - and then charged him £500 in court costs. Mr Stirbu said: "When the judge ruled in my favour I was absolutely delighted - and then seconds later was absolutely shocked when I found out I would have to pay so much in legal bills. "I will of course appeal the imposition of the costs but I am already beginning to wonder whether or not I would have been better off staying dead."
"According to 'Mondern Bride' magazine, the average bride spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom spends 150 hours going, 'Yeah, sounds good.'" -Jay Leno
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Filters versus Blacklists Dear Webby My grand daughter told me that you had written that blacklists are obsolete. If they are obsolete, why does every spam control program have one built in? Irene Dear Irene Blacklisting spam is obsolete, because spammers either fake the sender address, or use yours forged in as the sender. The only purpose left for blacklists is KNOWN undesirables. If you do not want to receive mail from certain relatives or acquaintances, then you can put them into the blacklist. Filters are much more efficient in eliminating spam. Have FUN! DearWebby

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sifting Dry Ingredients If you don't have a sifter but a recipe calls for sifting ingredients, put the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir well with a whisk. Visit ThriftyFun for more Cooking Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_930.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Idle Fingers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Block mail with my own address forged in as sender 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 11, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops!

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."
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As a roving columnist for a regional agricultural publication, I gather material by traveling with a saddle horse and a pack mule. Because my job is a bit unusual, my writings have attracted a following. Admittedly, my ego soars when folks recognize me and stop to chat. I had things put in their proper perspective, however, one cold day in eastern Montana. My animals and I were loafing along. As a stock truck passed by us, the driver waved, and I waved back. I was sure that he was one of my fans. Minutes later, the truck driver came back and pulled off to the side of the road. "You're that writer fellow, aren't you?" he asked. "That's right," I replied, beaming. "I thought so," he said. "I recognized your mule."
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Dolphins against the sun
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Janos Jakab, Romania Smuggler makes ass of himself Ananova: A would-be smuggler was arrested after trying to outrun border police with £300,000 of cigarettes in a horse and cart. Police challenged Janos Jakab as he crossed Romania's northern border with the Ukraine carrying nearly 100,000 packets of cigarettes and tobacco. After a short chase police outran the cart and arrested Jakab. A spokesman for the local border police said: "In general smugglers are becoming more and more sophisticated in their methods of getting contraband across borders. But this case proved the exception to the rule.
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: Spam with my own address forged in as sender Dear Webby I get all kinds of mail that has my address forged into the sender address. Since I DO send mail to myself as a fast way to record and file notes, I can't block my own address and spam gets through the same way. How do I filter forged addresses? Alex Dear Alex You will notice that spammers usually fake some name other than yours, but forge your address as the sender address. Put your name into the sender name field. All email programs have a way of doing that, even OE. With MailWasher it is then easy to make a filter that IF the Sender address contains big-al@domain.com AND the sender address does NOT contain "Alex B" then dump the mail automatically, don't even list it. If your address has been assigned and contains your entire first and lat name, then make the sender name slightly different, for example by adding a middle initial. If the incoming mail has your email address as the sender, but does not have that middle initial, then it gets quietly murdered in the backround and dumped, unseen. Have FUN! DearWebby

These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.' So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'' The gentleman said, 'Havaii.' So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.' The gentleman replied by saying, 'Your velcome.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kitchen Time Saver - Cook Two Casseroles When making a casserole, double the ingredients and make two. Cook one and store the other in the freezer. Cover the casserole in plastic wrap and then aluminum foil before freezing. Use a marker to write the date on the foil. Casseroles can be frozen for 3 months. Visit ThriftyFun For More Helpful Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_948.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present." She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Shoe-lacing
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is it XP or Vista? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 10, 2008

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children. "My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." , "I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
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When we go out of town overnight, we have a pet-sitter who watches all of the various critters Elly has accumulated. One night the cat, Beans, escaped outside and climbed about 30 feet into a tree. Our sitter couldn't lure the idiot cat down, so she called the fire department. "Ma'am," the dispatched told her, "we don't do that any more. The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough." "How do you know that?" the sitter asked. "Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?"
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Thanks to Rubye for this picture: We are ready!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Communications Workers of America in Saginaw, Michigan Communications Workers of America failure to communicate SAGINAW, Mich. (UPI) -- A Saginaw, Mich., neighborhood watch group said it had to cancel a meeting after arriving members tripped a burglar alarm. Bonnie Leiner, president of the Covenant Neighborhood Association, said the alarm started blaring after she opened the doors of Communications Workers of America Hall for Wednesday evening's meeting, the Saginaw News reported. Leiner said members tried for almost an hour to contact someone who could switch the alarm off, but they were eventually forced to cancel the gathering 10 minutes after it was supposed to have started. "It was just ridiculous. Nobody could hear anything," Leiner said of the noise from the alarm. "Whoever is there earlier does not usually set the alarm when they leave, but they must have this time."
Thanks to Mike for this story: I had to take Ann to the hospital some time ago for a series of tests. She was unexpectedly required to stay overnight. So she gave me a list of things to bring from home. One thing on her list was "comfortable underwear." I asked her, "How will I know which ones to pick?" She said, "Hold 'em up and imagine them on me. If you smile, put them back."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: XP or Vista? Dear Webby, First off have been a faithful fan for several years, The news letter and humor make my day and give a lot of information. I just bought a HP WX4550 workstation from my brother, who is an employee at HP, so he was trying to help me out. I do a lot of CAD drawing and he thought this would be good for me. I was VERY adamant about NOT wanting Vista and wanted XP Pro. The system has arrive and boots up as Windows XP but the outside labels' are marked as Vista Business (Which I peeled the front label off as I don't want anything to do with Vista). Then I see the registration sticker even say's Vista Business. I remember a while back you had told someone to buy Vista business so they get a down grade to XP. The restore CD and operating system DVD's are labeled Vista Business SP1. Is this in fact how they are labeling it and do I really have XP Pro or do I have a bunch of the Vista crap. It Truly brothers me to have anything with Vista even on it. I feel like I've been betrayed with all your warnings of Vista, I'm just sick as I can't send it back. What do I have to be worried about with this. Thank you so much again for your help. Regards and Happy Holidays, Carol Dear Carol Hit the Windows key and PAUSE That will tell you what OS you are running. If that shows as XP, then you got XP. You can still buy XP from a few people who mortgaged everything, including their teeth, to buy truckloads of XP, when it was still available. Other than those few sources, the only way to get XP is to buy Vista Business and specify that XP be pre-installed. Then --You get XP on the machine --You get Vista on an AOL disk style beer coaster --Microsoft gets to brag about "ANOTHER Vista sold!" Theoretically, there should be an XP set-up, restore and recovery CD somewhere in the box. If there isn't, you will have to argue with HP. It will cost you time, but eventually they will send you the CD. Or your brother will have to do the required arguing, yelling, screaming and cussing. Have FUN! DearWebby

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy. "Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Using Rubberbands To Help Remember My wife used rubberbands to jog her memory. Some days she will come home from work with 4 rubberbands on her wrist. Each rubberband represents something she wanted to do when she got home. An easy memory aid. Visit ThriftyFun For More Memory Tricks http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Me ... 9_691.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Petroglyphs
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how do I get rid of Pagoo? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 9, 2008

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. --- Robert Orben Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. --- H. L. Mencken
Thanks to Dave for this: thankyou for your response. here's a true story if you want to use it. My wife and i were walking around walmart one day and decided to pick up a bottle of wine. as we perused the selection, being very knowledgeable about wine, i asked her, "what color you want?" She elbowed me in the ribs and said "shsh, you sound like a redneck." I responded with, "we are looking at wine in Walmart, what do you think we are?"
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The brillant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head.
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Thanks to Patti for this picture: We are ready!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Trenity Sue Baker, 18 in Tulsa, Oklahoma Man chased down his stolen pickup TULSA, Okla. (UPI) -- Police in Tulsa, Okla., say a man who saw his pickup truck being stolen ran after it, jumped aboard, kicked out the rear window and chased off the thief. Investigators said Alonzo Johnson had left his truck running outside of a QuikTrip convenience store Monday night when he saw a woman get into the pickup and start driving away, the Tulsa World reported Wednesday. Johnson ran out of the store, jumped into the bed of the moving truck and kicked out the rear window of the cab, police said. The police report said the woman exited the truck while Johnson was climbing into the cab and sped off in a car with her boyfriend. Johnson chased the couple in his truck until police caught up with them and arrested Trenity Sue Baker, 18. Baker, who also allegedly hit a car in the QuikTrip parking lot with Johnson's truck, was taken to the Tulsa jail on charges of auto theft and leaving the scene of an accident with property damage.
When my brother Donnie got home from a five-month deployment of his submarine, he told us one of the ways the sailors kept up their morale was by making wooden cars out of kits and then running derby races. "What do you do for a ramp?" I asked. "Don't need one. We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt the sub."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Problem canceling Pagoo Dear Webby, I look forward to your newsletter every day, especially Tech Support Pits and the daily photo. I recently switched from dial-up to dsl (yay!!) and don't need my Pagoo service anymore. The problem is, I've sent them 3 separate emails to cancel the service and they are not responding. I can't find a phone number anywhere on their website. I don't know what to do, so of course, I'm turning to you. Thanks! Donna J. Dear Donna For Pagoo, try 1 888 849 4222 If that does not work, contact your credit card company and tell them that you had written Pagoo 3 times to cancel, but that the dumb crooks are still charging you, and that you demand that 1) the charges be reversed. 2) further fraudulent charges be blocked. Have FUN! DearWebby

When Annie was about 14 years-old I caught her swiping her younger sister, Ellie's grapes. "Are you eating your younger sister's grapes?" I demanded. "No, dad. I'm helping her share."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Turkey Leftovers November and December is the best time to buy turkeys for a low price. Here are some ways to make use of your leftovers: sandwiches, pot pies, soup, casseroles, tacos or enchiladas. Most recipes that use pieces of cooked chicken, you can use turkey pieces instead. Visit ThriftyFun For More Grocery Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Mt Rainier Clouds
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, please recommend a good camera 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 8, 2008

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others. --- Cyril Connolly,
Two Rabbis and a priest go fishing. When the three are out on the water, one Rabbi says, "Oops, I left the cooler in the trunk, I'd better go get it or we won't be able to eat or drink." The rabbi proceeds to jump out of the boat and hop across the water. A few minutes later, he comes hopping back across the lake with the cooler. The priest sees this and shakes his head in disbelief. He thinks to himself "Theres only one person I know who can do that and I doubt he's a Rabbi." A couple of minutes later, the other Rabbi says, "Oh no, I left my lucky fishing hat in the car. Nobody ever catches a fish unless I have that hat on." He then proceeds to get out of the boat and hop across the water to the shore. A minute later he comes hopping across the lake back into the boat. Now the priest is in absolute disbelief. He thinks, "Hmm, there must be something in the water. I'm going to try this." The priest says, "Uh-oh, I left my keys in the car. Wouldn't want to lose those." He then steps out of the boat and falls in the water. He gets out again and once again goes *splash*. The two rabbis look at each other and one of them says, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"
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To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.) 3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 7. To make the copy room more available for actual work, the company has installed cameras to discourage the practise of trapping Santa in there, and wants to dispel the myth that Santa can be bribed. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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Thanks to Joan for this picture: Dear Webby, I lucked into this shot last Monday Night. Very rare that the two planets are in such close proximity to the moon. I believe next sighting of this will be in 1043.......not in my lifetime! lol Joan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lorraine Henderson, 50, of Boston, MA Border official charged with harboring illegal immigrant updated 6:02 p.m. EST, Fri December 5, 2008 As the Boston area port director, Henderson was in charge of the inspection and admission of foreign nationals entering at international airports and ports in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island, including Logan International Airport and the Black Falcon cruise terminal. She was in charge of 220 people. The officer later hired the same Brazilian worker but then terminated her in December 2005 after grilling her about her residency and learning that she paid a “coyote” thousands of dollars to smuggle her from Mexico. The officer twice discussed the worker’s illegal status with Henderson, and when Henderson didn’t fire the housekeeper, reported her to Customs officials. Federal agents launched a probe in March and later learned that Henderson paid two other illegals to clean her home while her longtime worker had her anchor baby in 2007. She was forced to surrender her gun, badge and passport and is due back in court Dec. 22. Henderson was placed on PAID administrative leave from her $132,446-a-year job.
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bev Re: Need a camera recommendation Dear Webby, Can you reccommend a Canon camera for around $200.00 that has a rechargable battery. I don't take alot of pictures, but would like one that is reliable. There are so many models that I'm at a lost. Thank you, Bev Dear Bev You might not have to go that high in price. Check these in PriceGrabber for stores in your area. Canon PowerShot A590 IS Black Canon Powershot SD880 IS Canon PowerShot SD880 IS ELPH Silver Sure, they are not quite as good as a $5000 Canon Digital Rebel, but 5 years ago professionals would have killed for any of those three cameras, especially the Elph. It has an awesome wide angle, much wider than most professional grade cameras. What that means is that you can take a wider short range indoor shot than Ms Snooty can with her $5000 camera. She gets just the Christmas tree, you get the people around it too, AND the dog. If you shoot mostly indoors or group pictures where you can't back up very far, get the SD880 IS ELPH. The newer SD1000 an SD1100 don't have the wide angle. Go for the older and cheaper model! Check http://pricegrabber.com for a store in your area, so that you don't waste too much time and money in shipping Have FUN! DearWebby

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Yeast You can extend the life of yeast by storing it in the freezer. Active dry yeast can be stored in the freezer for up to a year. Freeze it in sealed plastic or glass container and be sure to mark it with the date of purchase. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What are the three best known American parties? Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: My Heroes Have Always been Cowboys
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Dear Webby: Keep old monitor? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  December 7, 2008

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. --- David Russell The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
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Last Xmas, Anni was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale's for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, Anni went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready." A few weeks later Anni was back in the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" Anni replied, "However, there's one thing that really "bugs me" and I don't quite understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
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Thanks to my dad for this picture from his breakfast nook: 12/06/2008
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael E. Schwab, 52, of Blooming Grove, Texas Religious Road Rage SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- Police in San Antonio said they arrested a man who claimed it was "Jesus's will" that he ram a woman's car because she was not "driving like a Christian." The Bexar County Sheriff's Office said in a news release that Michael Schwab, 52, told investigators he crashed his pickup truck into a woman's car at about 7:25 a.m. Friday on southbound U.S. 281 because "the other vehicle was not driving like a Christian and it was Jesus' will for him to punish the car," the San Antonio Express-News reported. "He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road," Sheriff's Lt. Kyle Coleman said. Sheriff's officials said Schwab told responders he was traveling faster than 100 mph when he hit the woman's car. Both vehicles sustained heavy damage as a result of the crash, but both drivers had only minor injuries. "God must have been with them, 'cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal," Coleman said. Schwab was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, motor vehicle. He was jailed in lieu of $50,000 bond.
"David, what is a cannibal?" "I don't know, ma'am." "Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?" "An orphan, ma'am."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: Keep old monitor? Dear Webby, Regarding today's question about wide screens. I am in the market for a new computer but wasn't quite sure about the wide monitors. Should I keep my old MV 720 COMPAQ Monitor, and would it work ok with new computer? Hubcap Dear Hubcap Most definitely keep the monitor! It will work just fine with the new computer. I am writing this with an ancient HP p1130, set to 1600 x 1200. The monitor is about 4-5 years old and the plastic frame is cracked, but the picture is clear as a slide. And no fuzzy gloss slobbered over the picture, like they do nowadays with LCD monitors, to make you think it had high resolution. Have FUN! DearWebby

Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pasta Ornaments That's right, you can make ornaments out of pasta! You can make an angel using one large wood bead, wheel pasta for the collar, bow-tie past for the wings, elbow macaroni or the arms, rigatoni for the body and acini di pepe for the hair. Glue them together and decorate with paint. Visit ThriftyFun For Instructions With Photos http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf19236029.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Offbeat Uses 4 Book
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Video card for wide monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  December 6, 2008

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. --- Doug Larson If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --- Dean Martin
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
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While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
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Dear Webby, I thought you might want to use this for your humor addition. We were in Panama City Beach this week and during the picture taking frenzy I didn't see the sign behind the Pelican until I downloaded it to my computer. Feel free to use the picture, if it suits your fancy. Sharon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua James Fagan, 27, Cape Coral, Florida Sent in by Sandie Fla. man accused of making boy drive on beer run CAPE CORAL, Fla. — Authorities in southwest Florida say an intoxicated man had his 9-year-old son take him on a beer run. Cape Coral police arrested the 27-year-old man last week, after seeing a pickup truck drive onto a median. When officers stopped the truck, the man told them he was teaching his son to drive. Officers say the father's speech was slurred, his breath smelled of alcohol and he was unable to stand without swaying. Police said an open case of Budweiser beer was in the backseat. The man was charged with cruelty toward a child and allowing an unlicensed minor to drive. He was released from jail on $2,000 bond.
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nigle Re: Video card for wide monitor Hello Dear Webby: I need your help once again. I purchased a wide screen monitor and now find my video doesn’t support it. It is a 19.5”. How can I tell what type video card to get? Thanks for all the good work, Nigle Dear Nigle Since it is not standard, that would depend entirely on the brand and model of the monitor. Check the manufacturer's web site. Personally, I would return that monitor. You are NOT going to be happy with that monitor. To get the Wide screen experience, duck tape the bottom third of your monitor for a day. Unless you really like that, stay away from wide screen monitors. A standard aspect ratio monitor may be a bit harder to find than the yuppie monitors, which are more profitable for the merchants, but they are still available. With Dell and other suppliers, just go into Business class instead of Home user. They know business people are a lot less gullible, and often buy hundreds of items at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Socks Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here above the heart . . ." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oooh," said Judi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is 'philosophy'?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mosaic Mural Museum
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: No zoom for printing 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  December 5, 2008
Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage. --- Bill Barnes If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. --- Bill Vaughan
Thanks to Sandie for this one: CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES: I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kailua , a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
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A friend of mine was telling me about his never-ending divorce. "Didn't the judge split everything fairly when she granted you guys a divorce?", I asked "Well, she thinks so. She got to keep the house, the car, the furniture, and our bank accounts. I got to keep everything I was wearing."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Timothy Havens, 38, of Springfield, Ohio Sent in by Eric Incompetent hunter ? SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- A Tri-State woman is in critical condition Wednesday after police say her husband shot her while they were having sex. Timothy Havens, 38, told Springfield police he was reaching for something on the nightstand when the pistol went off, hitting his estranged wife Carolyn in the upper chest. Carolyn Havens, 42, is being treated at Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton. This is isn't the first time there's been trouble for the Havens. Court documents showed Timothy served 60 days in jail for assaulting his wife and was ordered to go to anger management classes. His arrest Tuesday for the weekend shooting was for violating a civil protection order that Carolyn had taken out against him earlier this year. Bond was set at $75,000 after prosecutors asked for a high bond, "due to alleged prohibited contact between the parties and the suspicious nature of the circumstances surrounding her injury."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Virginia Re: Zoom not working for print Dear Webby; When I changed to larger print on this letter and two others tonight, instead of getting the one I was printing the previous one presented itself. I don't know if I worded that correctly , I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. So in order to print it I had to return to the smaller print. What did I do wrong? Thanks for your help, Virginia. Dear Virginia CTRL-Scrollwheel only changes what the monitor shows, like a magnifying glass. It does not edit the page. The printer prints the page as you received it. If you want to print just part of it, for example a tech tip or a joke, highlight that, and hit CTRL P to Print, then checkmark "Selection Only" Have FUN! DearWebby

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Socks Here are some uses for unmatched socks. Make a sock puppet with some sewn on buttons for eyes. Put a sock on your hand and use it as a dust rag. Slip a sock over a yard stick and secure it with a rubber band and to clean under your fridge. Save them for the winter when you need to wear two pairs. Visit ThriftyFun for more Brainstorms by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Brainstorms_37.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was showing a house for sale to a prospective couple, "This house," I said, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you that I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant about a block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the suspicious couple. "Well ... errrr ... ahhh ... the great advantage that you will have living here is that you'll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Science Video Vault
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Bonus Link Site not working 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 4, 2008

The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless. --- Paul Johnson The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. --- Samuel Johnson
Several weeks after his birthday, I stopped by my sister's house and my 7 year old nephew greeted me with, "Thanks for the Sea Scout Signal Whistle you gave me for my birthday! It's the best birthday present I ever got." "That's great, Did you learn how to pipe any signals on it ?" "Oh, I don't play with it," the little guy said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to blow it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to blow it at night."
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Anni got a part time job in a local restaurant to pick up a little spare change for Xmas. Anni said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them but a co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. A nervous Anni served all the lunches successfully last Saturday utilizing every stand he could find. Afterward Anni was concerned about an elderly couple that had finished some time ago paid their check, but remained sitting at the table. When Anni asked if everything had been all right. The man said quietly, " Yes, It was fine, dear, but my wife and I would like to leave now and we were wondering if she could she please have her walker back?"
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Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Randy Goodman, 49, Sedalia, MO Sent in by Patti Incompetent hunter SEDALIA, Mo. – A hunter bagged a big buck on the second day of firearms season, but the kill caused him a lot of pain. Randy Goodman, 49, said he thought two well-placed shots with his .270-caliber rifle had killed the buck on Nov. 19. Goodman said the deer looked dead to him, but seconds later the nine-point, 240-pound animal came to life. The buck rose up, knocked Goodman down and attacked him with his antlers in what the veteran hunter called "15 seconds of hell." The deer ran a short distance and went down, and died after Goodman fired two more shots. Soon Goodman started feeling dizzy and noticed his vest was soaked in blood. He reached his truck and drove to a hospital, where he received seven staples in his scalp and was treated for a slight concussion and bruises.
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Bonus link site not working Dear Webby Thanks for the fun and clean page.I am having trouble bringing up the bonus link...am i the only one? Thanks Sharon Dear Sharon Seems to work fine now. Crock Pot Cookings It happens quite frequently that sites get overloaded, when thousands of Humor Letter subscribers storm in there shortly after they get to work. An hour later the site owners stop pulling their hair out, and start bragging about the fantastic number of visitors that suddenly popped in from all over the place. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gift Jar Mixes Make people gift mixes in a jar as an inexpensive Christmas Gift. Use a nice canning jar and fill it with the dry ingredients for a baking recipe. Decorate the jar and attach the recipe so that the recipient can complete the recipe by adding the necessary wet ingredients. Click Here For Jar Mix Recipes On ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gif ... 5_273.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You don't have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney at the divorce. You may kiss the bride."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old 45's
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, is Winweb OK? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 3, 2008

The least of learning is done in the classrooms. --- Thomas Merton Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. --- Alexandre Dumas
Thanks to Ellen for this report: One day I found my five-year-old daughter, with the telephone, which she quickly hung up when she saw me. "What were you doing?" I asked her. "Calling Aunt Sarah." "How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't even know her number." "Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied. I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made the call. "Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?" "She told me I had the wrong number."
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In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then . . . " "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Wayne Schwarz, 20, Brainerd, Minnesota Too dumb to be out of jail in Brainerd BRAINERD, Minn. (UPI) -- A Minnesota man just released from a detox center stole an undercover deputy's car for the trip home, the Crow Wing County Sheriff's Department alleges. Christopher Wayne Schwarz, 20, was re-arrested after a chase that lasted less than half an hour, the Brainerd Dispatch reported Thursday. He faces charges of fleeing a peace officer and motor vehicle theft. "If you want to make a quick trip back to jail, that would be the way to do it," Sheriff Todd Dahl said. Schwarz was originally arrested early Wednesday at the county detox center. Dahl said staffers called police for help getting him into a seclusion room. He was released in mid-afternoon. Dahl said that someone had left the keys in the ignition of the car that Schwarz used for his getaway.
One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage around Johnny's arm. "I think you'd better bandage around the other arm, Doc!" "But, why? I'm supposed to bandage around the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it." "Doc, you really don't know how kids behave!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Is Winweb OK? Dear Webby, As I started to surf the web, this winweb gave me a free scan. They said they found 38 infections, and some are quite dangerous. A window popped up asking if I would like to rid my machine of these virus' I said yes and hit the key to do so, and all of the sudden they wanted $51.54 to purchase their program. Do you know if this is a reputable firm? I have some doubts. I ran a scan of my whole computer using Avast, they did find 5 spyware items but that is all. I would appreciate your opinion about this. Thanks for such a great newsletter. Ron Desr Ron You have been conned and you clicked to agree to be infected with ransom-ware. The 5 items Avast found were probably put there by that winweb. Better search the web for ways to get rid of that winweb. There might be stuff that Avast can't touch, because you clicked to agree to it. Here is a link to one remover of that crap: http://www.2-spyware.com/remove-winweb- ... -2008.html Obviously, I have not tested it, but that remover looks legit. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Shirley for this report: I believe my daughter Janice wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses. I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. Janice was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z'."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Building Materials From Building Sites If you see a construction site or a renovation near your house, ask the contractor or site manager if you can have some of the scrap building material. It's a great way to get scraps for fire wood, wood for small projects, or old bricks to use in your garden. Visit ThriftyFun For MoreGreen Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crock Pot Cookings
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Dear Webby: : Change Windows language 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 2, 2008

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. --- Clarence Darrow If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --- Johnny Carson
"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." "Welcome to hell, here's your harp." (For those who are not familiar with harps, they go out of tune if somebody opens a door or window withn 20 feet of it, or if somebody sneezes within 6 feet of it.)
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The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She a sked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!" Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fritz Mesadieu and Jonathan Mesadieu of Hempstead, NY Vultures Claiming that "carelessness, recklessness, negligence and gross negligence" led to their injuries in the Wal-Mart stampede that left a store employee dead on Black Friday in the Green Acres Mall, two Hempstead men Monday filed a $2-million notice of claim against Nassau County and Nassau police. The notice was filed by attorney Kenneth M. Mollins of Melville on behalf of Fritz Mesadieu and Jonathan Mesadieu of Hempstead. According to the claim, the men suffered "injuries to their neck and back, including but not limited to injuries of emotional harm." The claim is for "adjustment and payment" of what the claimants are calling "sustained monetary losses as a result of health care and legal expense associated with" the injuries suffered in the crush of shoppers at the Wal-Mart, according to court papers. The claim asserts that when Nassau police officers arrived on scene they "stood outside their vehicles drinking coffee while the crowd became more and more unruly." It claims the officers took no affirmative action. The incident resulted in the death of Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour, 34, of Jamaica, Queens, who was crushed in the mass of what officials called 2,000 would-be shoppers who stormed the store, breaking down the doors -- and trampling over him.
Supermodels ------------- It's hard to be a Supermodel as evidenced by the following actual quotes from some of today's hardest-working and best-known supermodels. We've come a long way from Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain... ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."-- Cindy Crawford ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."-- Christie Brinkley ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks ON ZEN "When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."-- Paulina Porizkova ON LOGIC "I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me." -- Christy Turlington ON BODY LANGUAGE "You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight." -- Christy Turlington
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Change Windows language Dear Webby, My friend told me she can switch her keyboard from English to German in language option. I have windows XP and was wondering is it safe and is it possible to do that? And how is it done? Thank you for your help. Rose Dear Rose Here is what I found: In Win XP, to change the keyboard languages and layout, click Start , then choose Settings, Control Panel, and Regional and Language Options. Click the "Languages" tab, then the "Details" button, the "Settings" tab, and the "Add" button. Now choose an input language from a long list. ( IF the "Input language" is English (United States), the US-International English keyboard can be selected by checking the "Keyboard layout/IME" box and choosing it from the list.) Click the ok button to close the Input window. If the added language is a permanent choice, be sure to click Apply to finish the process (the Windows installation CD is not usually needed). For an illustrated version of these directions try http://www.starr.net/is/type/intl-add.html Have FUN! DearWebby

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed on her birthday morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for your birthday," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com December Food Best Buys Buy foods that are in season and save money in December. The food best buys for December are Apples, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Chicken, Cranberries, Grapefruit, Lamb, Oranges, Oysters, Pork, Sweet Potatoes, Tangelos, Tangerines, Turkey, Turnips and Winter Squash. Visit ThriftyFun For More Grocery Shopping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle gym out there. It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing. My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer "Yes Sir" and "No Sir," and my teacher is a woman. She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils. In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words, one was cool and the other was lousy. I said, "Cool, tell us the lousy one first." In science, she asked, "what would happen if one of the stars in Orion's belt went out?" I told her his pants would fall down. She asked, "Why do astronauts wear space suits?" I said, "To cover their space underwear." In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in Kentucky. I said "O.K., I'll name one Waldo and the other Heathcliff." And I don't like math at all, there's just too many problems. We eat in the cafeteria. For lunch yesterday we had Roast Beef, bread and butter. The roast beef was so tough it challenged me to a fight after school. The bread was so stale I took it to show and tell in history class. I'd tell you about the butter but I don't want to spread it around. They gave us animal crackers for dessert. On the outside of the box it said "Do not eat if seal is broken." Of course ... (these are third grade jokes, try to keep up) After lunch we had a test. I used to hate taking tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game. Now I hate games. I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in spelling. My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more time I might pass it. My teacher knows all the answers, of course, she makes up all the questions. But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made the P.T.A.'s Most Wanted list. Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything! Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the Catskills. He said, "I don't know, your mother puts everything away!" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cult of cars
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Dear Webby: Burn parts of MP3 files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  December 1, 2008

I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good. --- Seneca I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --- Tom Lehrer Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. --- Socratex
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
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Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure that me and the rolling pin would be waiting for you at the front door."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Darwin Barrios-Paz, 21, of South San Francisco, California Thirsty burglar A man was arrested in a South San Francisco liquor store Saturday night after he was found drinking in the store’s walk-in beer cooler while attempting a burglary, according to the Police Department. Darwin Barrios-Paz, 21, of South San Francisco, was arrested on charges of commercial burglary, possession of narcotics, and giving false identification to South San Francisco police after officers responded to a reported broken window at about 11 p.m. Saturday, and found him drinking in the store’s walk-in beer cooler, police said. Barrios-Paz had used a cement cinder block to break a window at the store at 71 Camaritas Ave., tampered with two cash registers and put several calling cards into plastic bags, police said. After admitting to entering the store with intent to commit a theft, Barrios-Paz was arrested and booked at San Mateo County Jail, police said. Barrios-Paz was also found to be in possession of a small amount of cocaine and marijuana, and used a false Arizona driver’s license to identify himself, police said.
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: Burn part of an MP3 file Webby, Hope you can help me with this problem. I have downloaded a podcast (MP3) to my computer. I now have it on my desktop and want to burn only one part of it to a CD. Is there a way to do that? Thomas Dear Thomas Yes, sure you can! First you have to split the file with an audio editing tool. There are tons of programs available for messing with MP3. Some are free, and some are good. CoolEdit and mp3trim have the best reputation. You can split the file into pieces, or cut the boring parts and just trim the file. Then you can burn it like you burn any other mp3 file. Have FUN! DearWebby

The night before I was to have cardiac surgery, the doctor suggested I take a shower because I wouldn't be able to for several days, which was fine with me As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. One of them asked, "Are you going to be able to manage OK?" I said, "I feel a little weak and a bit dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me." The cute little Nurse looked up at me, giggled and said, "Nice try. We got a fire hose for that, and can do it from a safe distance."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 081201@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yarn as Ribbon Yarn is relatively inexpensive and makes attractive ribbon for Christmas gifts. Use multiple strands in colors that complement your wrapping paper for a fancy look. Make some loops of yarn and tie tightly in the middle of the loops. Leave in loops or cut the loop ends and make a pom pom for the top. Visit ThriftyFun For More Christmas Wrapping Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Christmas_Gif ... 6_264.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the local coffee bar, Carol, couldn't help but overhear a young woman that was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing, Entertain. And stay home at night!" Carol interjected, "Girl, if that's all you want, you should save yourself a hell of a lot of trouble and just get yourself a TV!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mental Floss
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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