Thursday, December 31, 2009, 05:19 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 31, 2009
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
--- Lawrence Peter Berra
Few things help an individual more than to place
responsibility upon him, and to let him know that
you trust him.
---Booker T. Washington
Resolved, never to do anything which I should
be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life.
--- Jonathan Edwards
I'm sort of a pessimist about tomorrow and
an optimist about the day after tomorrow.
--- Eric Sevareid
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these expensive
gloves?
A: Buy her a nice diamond ring.
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last
night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from yelling for two hours."
A new secretary was confused about paying a bill,
so she asked me for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $23,540, minus 7%, how much would
you take off?" she asked me.
So I told her: "Everything but my glasses!"
Judging by how hard she threw the stapler at me, it seems
that was not quite the answer she expected.
Time to take down the Christmas lights!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Marguerite Engle, 45, of Rapid City, South Dakota
Driver Had .708 Blood Alcohol Content
Marguerite Engle.recorded a mind-boggling .708 blood alcohol
content after being arrested earlier this month when a state
trooper found her passed out behind the wheel of a stolen
truck. Engle's whopping BAC was measured by a Rapid City Police
Department chemist who tested a blood sample drawn from Engle
Engle is pictured below in a mug shot taken earlier this year
after she was arrested for assaulting a government employee
and being intoxicated and disruptive.
Engle was named in a two-count South Dakota Magistrate Court
indictment charging her with driving under the influence and driving
with a BAC beyond the .08 limit. A traffic ticket issued to Engle notes
that she "bonded out-hospitalized" after being collared in Sturgis
just before noon on December 1. Engle is also facing charges in
connection with her possession of the stolen vehicle.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sheila
Re: Can you fix laptop keys?
Dear Webby,
I have a few keys on my laptop that have become practically
useless, and some that are getting to be a real nuisance.
Can those keys be fixed, or is it time to retire that laptop?
Sheila
Dear Sheila
Just replace the keyboard!
Google for [name of your laptop] keyboard.
Chances are good that some people are selling those keyboards
on eBay or Amazon for $10 - $15, and you can also order them
from the manufacturer of the laptop.
Usually there is an instruction sheet included that shows you
how to replace it, but you can find that online too. It is actually
quite simple. In most cases you just pry the bezel or frame
up with a small, flat screwdriver, then undo two or four screws,
unplug the old keyboard, plug in the new keyboard, screw it down,
fiddle the bezel back on and press it down with a book, and
it's all done.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over
the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on College
Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Plowing has been completed. The six hundred and twentseven
students who went to move 26 cars can return to class now."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Fleece Throws for Warm Curtains
For really frugal and warm curtains, I purchased two of those
fleece throws that are on sale for under $5 and used the
inexpensive gold clips. The two throws fit a 76 inch picture
window nicely, and they come in dark colors also nice for
wintertime. Mine came with a nice cloth bow tied around it
which I used for tiebacks.
By Peggy from Canastota, NY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along
with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, with just us two working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving his hand.
"If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that
Susan knows karaoke."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use
a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to
begin his talk by saying in Spanish,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did
not know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen."
Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building
where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two
doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood
up and said in Spanish what he theought was, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked.
The people seemed stunned.
He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they
hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it.
Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon
the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him
that he had said,
"Good evening, toilets and broom closets!"
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Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 02:57 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 30, 2009
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that
within me there lay an invincible summer."
--- Albert Camus
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but
in looking outward together in the same direction."
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.
The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to make it permanent!"
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year,
turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor
stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress.
Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man
and God work together."
"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place
when God was running it alone."
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son
was going to.
"I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He
doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
Come on out and play!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Joseph Anthony and Lisa Hill in Chatanooga, Tennessee
Shoplifting scene turns chaotic at Chattanooga Wal-Mart
CHATTANOOGA — Chattanooga police say a couple they believe
was trying to steal a cart full of TVs and a computer caused
chaos at a local Wal-Mart.
According to a news release, Officer Josh Wright was off duty
when he saw a man trying to force his way past a greeter with
about $2,000 worth of stolen goods Sunday night. Wright
displayed his badge, but Joseph Anthony Hill said it was fake
and tried to force his way by Wright as well. Wright then
tackled Hill and arrested him.
Then Hill’s wife, Lisa Hill, feigned a heart attack and said she
did not know her husband.
After a witness told Wright the couple had been together in
the store, Lisa Hill followed the witness into the parking lot
and attacked her. The witness defended herself by stabbing Lisa
in the arm with a pocketknife.
Lisa Hill had to be treated at a local hospital.
Joseph Anthony Hill is charged with theft over $1,000 and
assault on a police officer. Charges against Lisa Hill are
still being totaled up.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rose
Re: Obsolete addresses
Dear Webby,
Merry Christmas. My address book is getting filled with a
lot of e-mails that I don't know what they are. Can I delete
them without losing something important on my computer?
Rose
Dear Rose,
Yes, sure you can dump them. You can also weed out the
Auto-Complete.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about
declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I almost
couldn't afford cigarettes any more!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Clearance Wallpaper for Shelf and Drawer Liners
I buy wallpaper on clearance for about $2.00 a double roll
and I use it for shelf paper and drawer liners. You can do
a large kitchen and all your dressers with just 1 double
roll. Department stores put it in the clearance bin because
the leftover rolls are not enough to paper most rooms,
so they get stuck with it and practically give it away.
You can use double face tape, staples or tacks to
secure it if you need to. (I usually don't) I look for quiet
solids or prints, if you look around you can sometimes
find the nice heavy vinyl paper, but even the paper
rolls are all washable these days. I usually buy it when
I find it and put it away until I need it. So next time you
see it in the clearance bin pick some up.
By Diane from Rochester Mi
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Lola is on the phone, "Hello? Pizza Shack? Do you have
anything on special?"
From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie
haters delight.
It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses.
Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?"
"A map to the fitness club."
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Windows Live Mail problem on Quest
Tuesday, December 29, 2009, 04:23 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 29, 2009
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that
One useless man is a shame,
Two is a law firm and
Three or more is a congress.
--- John Adams
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all
the other alternatives.
--- Abba Eban
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his
questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.
Here is an annual favorite:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for
about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Q :What's the difference between the Government and the
Mafia?
A: One of them is accused of being organized.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Kip William Keifer, 31, of Madison Heights, Michigan
Caught burglaring a cop's house
MADISON HEIGHTS, Mich. -- A 31-year-old man is charged with
breaking into the home of a Ferndale police officer.
Madison Heights police said the officer's 19-year-old daughter
called to report the break-in at their home in the 28000 block
of Alden Street about 4:40 a.m. on Dec. 18.
The daughter told police she was watching television on the
home's lower level when she saw a man she didn't know come
down the stairs. Police said the daughter used her cell phone
to call her father, who was sleeping upstairs.
Police said the girl's father, who is a Ferndale police officer,
chased the home invader down the street and was able to hold
him until police could arrest him.
Kip William Keifer, of Madison Heights, has been charged
with first-degree home invasion and given a $1 million bond.
Police said he stole some money of a shelf in the home, but
it was recovered when he was caught by the homeowner.
His preliminary exam is scheduled for Jan. 6.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Laverne
Re: Windows Live email problem on Quest
Dear Webby,
OK I added humor@webby.com to my address book and also on
my email added site to come in with special color. Checked and
could not see where it is blocked, I still don't receive it.
I have vista, windows live email, AVG virus program, have
checked it and don't see any thing to block it. How do I white list
it like you suggested?
Laverne
Dear Laverne
White-List is the same as Friend's List.
You can try contacting Quest support,
and tell them that the Humor letter jumps through all 20 hoops to stay
"The Good Example" for newsletters:
1) Listed Sender ID,
2) Permanent IP address,
3) Proper SPF record,
4) Matching forward and reverse DNS,
5) Approved privacy policy,
6) Full contact information,
7) Strictly Double Opt-In,
8) Not on any blacklist,
9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming,
10) Is family safe
11) Has live, same day response to replies
12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing
13) Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every newsletter
14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises
15) Works fine with all competent mail services
16) Does not have any attachments
17) Does not burden email with embedded pictures or movies
18) Calls pictures from a properly identified server with matching
forward and reverse DNS and SPF record
19) Does NOT send solo ads or ANY advertising mails to subscribers
20) Is listed with the Ezinefinder (http://ezinefinder.com)
Quest Support should be able to tell you what to do.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live
very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.
"Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals,
and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are
going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat
cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of
breaking the diet."
The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you
have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to
buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm
going to live longer this way?"
"No, you will probably die a lot sooner,
but whatever time you live,
I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Cereal For Crumb Crusts
Left over or stale sweetened cereals can be crushed and
made into crusts for ice cream and other fruit flavored
cream pies,also chocolate cereals for other flavors.
Stale cheetos, corn chips, potato chips, can be used to
top casseroles, coat chicken and thicken soups and
sauces. Source: just my old cheapskate self
By Eula from Killeen, Texas
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After a recent move, I made up a list of companies,
agencies, and services that needed to know my new
address and phoned each one to ask for the change
to be made.
Everything went smoothly until I called one of my
frequent flier accounts.
After I explained to the representative what I wanted to
do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that
over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of
address form."
"How do I get one of those?" I asked.
"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said
pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I
can mail it to you?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Judy went to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cut for about
thirty minutes, hands her a mirror, and asked,
"How do you like it?"
Judy replied, "It's nice, but could you make it just a little
longer in the back?"
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Monday, December 28, 2009, 03:02 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 28, 2009
I have given two cousins to war
and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
--- Artemus Ward
Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
--- Wilson Mizner
Charm is the quality in others
that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
--- Henri-Frédéric Amiel
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff
several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery
was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several
monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously,
the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that
the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely,
"Usually right after it breaks."
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that
her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said,
"I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked
puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with
their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during
the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City
7th grader, said,
"This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and
now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got
back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know,
totally bogus."
In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be
granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school
breaks.
Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch
a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given
real reasons to whine about!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to an armed robber in Colchester, Essex, England
Robber sticks around for a meal
A DOZY robber was nicked while scoffing a chicken dinner at
a restaurant he held up at gunpoint 20 minutes earlier.
The 38-year-old is accused of stealing several hundred pounds
after waving an airgun at terrified staff.
But he then sniffed the tasty aromas at the Southern Fried
Chicken branch and demanded: "Give me one of those Hunga
Busta Meals too."
He sat down to eat the meal and was still tucking in when armed
cops alerted by staff burst into the diner in Colchester, Essex.
An Essex police source said: "We've come across some stupid
criminals in our time but this beats all. Normal practice is to grab the
cash and run. But this man was obviously controlled by his belly
rather than his brain.
"After running in with a hoodie and scarf hiding his face, he took
them both off to stuff his face with chicken.
"The staff he'd just waved a gun at were gobsmacked.
"He sat there eating for 20 minutes so they had tons of time to dial 999.
Staff thought it was a bizarre TV stunt."
The man, a double glazing salesman who cannot be named,
is charged with possessing a weapon in a public place, theft
and using threatening behaviour in a public place.
He has been bailed to appear at Chelmsford Crown Court on
January 4.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Annette
Re: Moving the task bar
Dear Webby,
I hope you had a good Christmas and stayed warm. It was cold
here in Tx. where I live , I dont like the cold weather,
warmer the better. I appreciate all the help you have given
me in the past! well I have a problem I cant fix today,
will you help me? my bottom task bar is at the top again,
I have tried clicking and dragging it to the bottom, doesnt
work, can you tell me another way to get things back in
place? any info. will be appreciated. thanks and I hope you
have a very Happy New Year, Annette.
Dear Annette
No Gullible Warming in Texas either?
Re the task bar: Close all programs or minimize them.
If you still have the "Show Desktop" icon, you can use that
to minimize everything with one click. If you lost it, here is
how to restore it:
Click Start, click Run, type notepad in the Open box,
and then click OK.
Carefully copy and then paste the following five lines
into the Notepad window:
[Shell]
Command=2
IconFile=explorer.exe,3
[Taskbar]
Command=ToggleDesktop
On the File menu, click Save As, and then save the file to
your desktop as "Show desktop.scf". The Show desktop
icon is created on your desktop.
Click and then drag the Show desktop icon to your
Quick Launch toolbar near the START button.
OK, now you got some elbow room. Right-click on an empty
grey spot on the task bar, and take the checkmark off
"Lock task bar".
Next, click and hold that same empty grey spot, and drag the
task bar to wherever you want it. It doesn't drag smoothly,
but appears to stay glued until your cursor has reached another
monitor edge. Then it snaps to that edge.
Once you got it where you want it, lock the task bar again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings.
As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had
chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything
special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to
protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and
to soak it in dishwater for three minutes three times a day."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Spaghetti Cooking Water to Wash Greasy Dishes
Save your spaghetti water and wash your greasy dishes with it.
The flour in the water somehow causes oil and grease to get
trapped, and you don't have to scrub as much.
By Tim from Science Hill, KY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his
adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they
love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly
of certain animals?
And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire,
then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from
smashed nuts of some kind?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism,
the explorer added softly,
"What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs
and toast with peanut butter."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A lady called Delta and asked for a reservation from Los
Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full
with baggage and passengers.
"How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk.
"With or without clothes?" the passenger asked.
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
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Sunday, December 27, 2009, 02:47 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 27, 2009
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
--- Michel de Montaigne
"Either you run the day or the day runs you."
--- Jim Rohn:
Imelda reported for her University PHD final examination
which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the
class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she
is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am
rechecking my answers, and half of them are wrong !"
An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter
and began asking a passenger the required security questions.
"Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry
aboard the airplane today?"
"No," said the woman.
"Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired,
pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag.
"Yes," she answered.
"Has your bag been under your control since you've been
in the airport?"
"Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh.
"The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way,
or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control."
In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
hand written underneath:
"Socks can eat any place they want."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Von Nicholas Stevens, 39 of Townsend, Montana
Drunk fakes report of being shot
An intoxicated Townsend man is being charged for numerous
offenses, including lying to officials about being shot.
Officials responded to a 911 call about an apparent shooting
Tuesday night. A female caller said Von Nicholas Stevens, 39,
was headed to St. Peter’s Hospital with a gunshot wound,
Broadwater County Sgt. Nick Korthals said.
Korthals said he informed members of the Helena Police
Department, Lewis and Clark County Sheriff’s Department,
and hospital personnel who were on hand waiting at the
emergency room.
Stevens never arrived at the hospital.
Korthals contacted Stevens by phone. He said he’d run out of
gas near Lakeside and was shot and in pain. Stevens told the
alleged victim to stay where he was and someone would be
out to get him.
Medical personnel arrived on the scene and found a small
scratch on Stevens’ ear and some dried blood, but no sign
of a gunshot wound.
Korthals said he had several deputies interview people who
had been with Stevens at some point throughout the night,
but no one mentioned shots being fired. Stevens accused a
man of shooting him. That man can be seen on video
surveillance cameras at a local Helena sports bar during the
time of the alleged shooting, Korthals said.
“Mr. Stevens continued to change his story,” Korthals said.
Stevens was charged with driving with a suspended license
and is scheduled to appear in court on Monday. Korthals said
more charges are pending and he anticipates citing Stevens
for obstructing justice and false reporting, and DUI, etc,
but the investigation is ongoing.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Patti
Re: Dumped and lost icon
Dear Webby,
There was a new icon on my desktop toolbar that was really bugging
me so I went to control panel and unloaded it. OOPS, now I can't play
my music. Apparently realtek high definition something or other is what
drives the CD's. Dummy that I am, I have no idea how to get it back.
Can you help - Please. Thanking you advance,
Patti
Dear Patti
Search for that program.
If you didn't change the defaults in your Windoze to something smarter,
it probably dumped it into the dumbest place possible: C:\Program Files
If you have a smart set-up, it would be in E:\TOOLS or similar place.
Find the program, look for an exe file,but not the setup.exe, and try
starting the program with it. Once you have found the right file,
make a shortcut to it, and drag it onto the desktop.
if you can't find that file, then you completely UN-installed it, and
have to download it again. If you bought that program, then you
should still have a payment receipt with download instructions
and possibly a registration key.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Before Linda got married, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting
her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending
to marry?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Getting The Most Of Your Post-Christmas Shopping
The Christmas frenzy frenzy is over and retailers are still
trying to move merchandise from their shelves. Now is the time
to shop if you can think ahead some. I gather up my discount
bucks I got from buying before Christmas. While I was out
before Christmas, I gave out my email address and got
more online coupons. Any special day passes I may have
gotten, I get that too. Just to make it a little bit better, I
can shop on senior citizen day and take my mother or
sister. A recent trip to a popular department store had
me buying Christmas and Thanksgiving items at 95% off.
Seasonal items will be the heaviest discounted. Avoid
food items because they will not save well. Wrap scented
candles in cellophane and store in a cool place to extend
their scent.
By Morganna from Anderson, IN
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than
anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!"
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got
from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all
night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes."
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( 3.1 / 53 )
Saturday, December 26, 2009, 03:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
--- Murphy
When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling
- live your life so that when you die, you're smiling
and everyone around you is crying
--- Socratex
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year
as a people", the Hebrew teacher informed his class.
"Consider that the Chinese have observed only
their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered,
"Well for one thing, the Jews had to do their counting
without a Chinese abbacus for 1063 years."
B.S. Newswire Report
A UN arranged Christmas prisoner exchange was
completed today when the Mexican Border Patrol
handed over Joseph Dinkerton, an American citizen,
who was captured in July, 2009 trying to sneak into
Mexico.
In exchange the INS handed over 220,236 illegal
Mexican citizens apprehended last week by the
US Border Patrol.
This Christmas prisoner exchange was observed
by "Human Rights Watch," whose spokesman said,
"This will go a long way to reduce future border
infractions between the USA and Mexico."
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's
try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and
Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif.,
Too fast for hauling dope
Two California women were taken into custody when a state
trooper reportedly discovered about 20 pounds of marijuana
hidden in luggage and wrapped Christmas presents inside
their vehicle on Interstate 44 in Jasper County.
The Missouri State Highway Patrol said a 2009 Ford Escape
bearing Nevada registration was stopped for speeding at 7:37 a.m.
Tuesday near the 13-mile marker of I-44.
The driver, Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and passenger
Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif., were arrested after a search of the
vehicle. They were taken to the Jasper County Jail in Carthage and
charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to
distribute.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Olivia
Re: Christmas Caked computer
Dear Webby,
Nobody in our extended family likes those brick shaped
Christmas cakes, so they are usually just covered with a fresh
layer of giftwrap, and put away until next December, with a tag
for the biggest cheapskate of this Christmas. Yes I have
occasonally gotten a well traveled cake too, but not lately,
and since it probably would have destroyed the shredder at
the municial dump, I passed it on the next Christmas.
Now there is a new wrinkle to that old tradition: A sawed off
laptop. It is as wide as a regular laptop, but the screen is
only 2/3 as tall as a regular screen. According to the sticker
on it, it originally came with Vista, but then my useless
son in law put Windows 7 on it and caked ME with it!
My nine year old XP runs circles around it. I format and
re-install XP every three years and as per your advice, keep
unnecessary crap off it, as if it was an industrial work
machine. I am quite happy with it for a home machine, but
occasionally a little travel machine would be handy.
I bought a spare XP CD before the prices went up, but
I have no clue about where to get XP drivers for it or how
to install them. . Should I try anyway, or just cake it next
Christmas?
Olivia
Dear Olivia
What a delightful tradition!
Chances are pretty good, that you won't have any driver hassle.
If you do, contact Jerome@ spiritscents.com. Even if you
have to pay him for an hour of work, he can do that over
the net and fix it up like it was factory pre-loaded with XP.
I realize that the sawed off screen is a nuisance, but on short
trips you can probably put up with that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said,
"Men, before anything more is said, I would like to
clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR
ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Hey buddy,
wanna buy my share of a nice, big ship?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reusing Wrapping Paper
If you get a gift that is wrapped with beautiful paper or a
beautifully decorated gift bag with lovely tissue paper but
it's all crumpled and creased, here's a way to make it look
practically like new again. Iron it! Ironing with a medium
hot iron and steam will take almost all the wrinkles and
creases out and make it reusable. Caution: Keep the iron
moving on the paper or it will burn.
By Kalene from Oregon City
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down
behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree
stump.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
A couple of miles down the road, Red Riding Hood
sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down
behind a rose bush.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
The irritable, Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you kindly get lost and stop peeking into every
outhouse I go to?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Nancy got lost in her car in a snow storm.
She remembered what her dad had once told her.
"If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to
follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five
minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her
what she was doing. She explained that her dad had
told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a
plow. The driver nodded and said,
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you
can follow me over to K-Mart"
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( 2.9 / 55 )
Friday, December 25, 2009, 03:10 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 25, 2009
"God gave us memory
that we might have roses in December."
--- James Matthew Barrie
"You can complain because roses have thorns,
or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."
--- Tom Wilson
The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
The budding young Yuppette had been dating a
successful stockbroker for several months. Just
before Christmas she asked her Mother,
"Whatever can you give a man who has everything
for Christmas?"
Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied,
"Encouragement dear, encouragement."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Did YOU say "Holiday Bush?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Elsa Benson, 53, of Kerrville, texas
911 Abuser
KERRVILLE, TEXAS -- A Kerrville woman has been arrested after
calling 911 when her husband wouldn't eat his dinner.
53-year-old Elsa Benson was charged with 911 abuse.
Kerrville Police say she has called 911 for non-emergency reasons
30 times in the past six months.
"The majority of our officers, if not all our officers, know this
particular resident very well," Kerrville Police Department
spokesman Paul Gonzales said.
Last Friday, Benson called 911 twice. Unable to determine
what she was saying over the phone, officers responded to her
home, where the Kerrville resident told officers her reason for calling
"She had called because her husband did not want to eat his
supper," Gonzales said.
In recent months, police say Benson has called 911 because
she couldn't find her clothes and because her dogs had gotten
loose, or about events that happened weeks before the call,
among other non-emergency reasons.
"These residents have been warned on numerous occasions
about the abuse of emergency 911 calls," Gonzales said.
Yet Benson keeps calling.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Geri
Re: OE not getting my email
Dear Webby,
Please help me. I have a friend who works on computers and
he checked mine to see if I could install the new windows.
No problem. I am still considering it. In the meantime he
transfered all of my outlook mail to a gmail account and now
I am not getting any personal mail in the gmail and no mail
in the outlook. He said all I had to do is sign out of the
gmail and I would begin getting outlook mail again. Not so!
I have important main I need to recieve and now he is too busy
to help. I am not very savy but can follow simple instruction.
Can you help?
Thanks,
Geri
Dear Geri
Why would you want to handicap yourself with the half-baked
new Windows?
And installed by a "screw-up and run" type "friend", who can't
even set up your email properly!
Did the eggnog backfire?
Try to restrict access to the computer to only sober people,
before somebody causes permanent damage or loses
important stuff!
I have no idea what your "friend" did to mess up your email.
You will probably need a professional to sit at it to fix the
damage.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced
that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking
for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange,
they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an
hour later.
About eight people ran up to the counter to
take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat
down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter
announced:
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew
who'd like to volunteer, please step forward!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Food Scraps for Wildlife
If you are a mother who periodically finds half a peanut butter
sandwich, the bottom of a cupcake or a partially eaten cookie
left by a child whose eyes were bigger than their stomach,
there is a solution other than the "momism" about starving
children in Africa (China, Bangladesh, Uganda ...). In a friend's
house, the scraps are deposited in a large, covered, plastic
container labeled, "good-will can". The children know that these
leftovers will be put out daily for the birds, squirrels and other
animals who share the world with us. We have attracted
many varieties of birds and small animals that are fun to
watch and and have taught the children that they can share
with those less fortunate who are not human I do this with
leftover cat food, and food scraps but I put it into a freezer
container. When the containers are full and there are a half
dozen, I take them out to my daughter's dog who thinks they
are a wonderful treat. They arrive in a red grocery bag and
this dog KNOWS that they are for him (he shares with his
cat too!)
By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, BC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for
Christmas," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first
time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best
Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to
play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it
at night."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
People used the postcard sites again more than the year before
and saved a pile of paper about 6000 Meters high.
For our friends in the USA, the only country in the
world where some people are still using the quaint
Imperial-colonial measurement units, about 13043
cubits or roughly 19700 feet. So, picture a pile of
Christmas cards 435 times as tall as Noah's ark.
Now don't go upgrading your units of measurement!
What would I tease you about then ?
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( 2.9 / 45 )
Convert Internet dates to spreadsheet dates
Thursday, December 24, 2009, 01:55 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 24, 2009
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties,
is looking for a job the next day."
--- Phyllis Diller
You can't depend on your eyes
when your imagination is out of focus.
--- Mark Twain
Little Johnny came home from school one day and
said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any
brothers or sisters."
"And what did she say when you told her you were an
only child?" his mom asked.
And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep
breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
On their way to church to get married,
a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting
outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the
paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they
wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has
ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to
wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't
work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together
forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened
couple.
"Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY
idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to cops in Cremona, Italy
Cops total their Lamborghini
Italian police officers wrote off a £200,000 ($320,000) supercar
given to them by Lamborghini when it smashed into a row of
parked cars.
The 202mph Gallardo coupe was one of two donated to police by
the luxury motor manufacturer to help with high speed pursuits.
Witnesses say the police car had accelerated massively just
before another car pulled out of a petrol station and forced it off
the road in Cremona, northern Italy.
Embarrassed cops tried to confiscate phone cameras from witnesses
but abandoned the plan when hundreds turned up to gawp at the smash.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alex
Re: Internet date to spreadsheet date
Dear Webby,
If anybody would know, it's probably you.
We got all our client lists safely on the web, so that every staff
member always has access to them, no matter where they happen
to be at the time. Now we need to get the names and addresses
and dates into a regular spreadsheet to send Christmas cards
to the clients. Names and addresses are easy, but all dates are
weird numbers, that spreadsheets can't convert to dates.
Is there a way to convert them to dates, without punching one
number at a time into an online converter?
Merry Christmas!
Alex
Dear Alex
On the web younormally use UNIX time, the number of seconds
since 01/01/1970. Spreadsheets usually use the days since
01/01/1900. Knowing that, you simply divide the UNX number
by 86400 to get days, and add 25569 (70 years worth of days)
to it. Then format that column as DATE.
So, if your UNIX date number is in column D, from row 1 to 5000,
and you want the human readable date in column E, put this into E1:
+d1/86400+25569
or in Excel it would be =d1/86400+25569
Then copy that formula down to all cells in E from 1 to 5000
and format that column as DATE format.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year
he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of
bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll
make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here
early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this
game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to
her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home
admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is
staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't
believe you all went to such expense for this golf
game. I patted my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said,
'Take an extra sweater, it's probably quite chilly out on
the golf course'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Reindeer Food For Christmas Eve
Materials
* 1 cup of oatmeal
* 1 Tbsp. of brown sugar
* 1 tsp cinnamon
Instructions
Mix carefully. Add a dash of glitter just before spreading on
front lawn on Christmas Eve. The glitter will sparkle under
the moonlight and will catch the eye of the reindeer.
This makes a great quick snack for the reindeer, while they
are waiting for Santa to return to his sleigh.
By Leslie from Brandon, MS
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the
church was looking over the cradle when he noticed
that the baby Jesus was missing from among the
figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and
saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon
was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked
up the boy and said,
"Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I
prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give Him a ride around the block in it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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English - Merry Christmas
Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Albanian - Gezuar Krishtlindje
Arabic - I'd MIILAD Said Oua Sana Saida
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Celtic - Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Chinese -
(Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
(Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Gladelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Kala - Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Northern Sotho - Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa
Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Papiamento - Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
Pig Latin - Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Feliz Natal
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian - Craciun Fericit
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad!
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Waray - Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
Zulu - Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni
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( 2.9 / 48 )
Missing 'Safely unplug device' icon
Tuesday, December 22, 2009, 02:25 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Days are getting longer again!
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves
to be like other people.
--- Arthur Schopenhauer
Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask what's for lunch.
--- Orson Welles
One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out
minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in
the room where your family argues most," he advised.
"When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God
is watching."
When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman
walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said,
"I'll take five."
When Little Johnny's family moved into their new
house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the
new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has
his own room, and Betty-Sue has her own room.
WE can have fun! But dad is still stuck with mom."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Rescue Dog in training
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and a Darwin Award goes to Lucas William Stenning, 32, from Bock,
Minnesota
Too stupid to live
Charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, 32,
who six weeks earlier had pleaded guilty to knowingly violating
registration required of a predatory offender.
Charges were dismissed....because Lucas was dead.
In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock,
an injured "hit and run victim" was reported. The pedestrian, found
on the side of the road, died in the ambulance at the scene.
In a related story, police reported that a 32-year-old man had
concocted a scheme to stage an accident in order to obtain
prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle,
become injured, go to the hospital and receive narcotic
painkillers.
That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning,
died at the scene due to head injuries.
In other words: Lucas, 32, avoided a serious parole violation
because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself
by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription
painkillers. DUH!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Missing "Safely unplug device" icon
Dear Webby,
Another question from one of your fans. We do appreciate the
computer help as well as all the jokes and wonderful pictures.
I've lost the safely remove icon form the bottom of my desktop.
How do I get it back?
Shiveringly yours,
Shirley
from up north.
Dear Shirley
No Gullible Warming up there either?
Maybe we are not farting around enough?
The disappearing "Safely Unplug" icon is an ancient Windows
There is no fix for that bug.
However, there is a sneaky way around it.
Right-click on the desktop.
New
Shortcut
paste this into the Location line:
C:\windows\system32\RunDll32.exe shell32.dll,Control_RunDLL hotplug.dll
Next
Type in UN-plug
OK
The proper icon for it, if you want it, is in hotplug.dll in the
C:\windows\system32\ directory, however, you can assign any
cute and sexy icon to it.
After that, to use the Unplugger on those days of the month,
when Windows has a headache and won't let you use the icon
in the task bar, use the one you made.
A fringe benefit is that when you use yours, Windows feels guilty,
briefly blushes and makes the icon in the taskbar usable again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free
medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop
people from asking you for legal advice when you're
out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Whipping Cream In Ice Cube Trays
When I buy whipping cream, I buy it on sale. Then I pour it
into ice cube trays and freeze. Once frozen I put the cubes
in ziplock bags in the freezer. A cube is about 2 Tablespoons.
It's great when you only need a couple tablespoons in a recipe.
By Linda from CT
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe
exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's
the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right,
and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf. What could have
gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty
cents worth of ground beef '..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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An out-of-towner in New York decided to revisit an
uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the
city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he
said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first
came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried
waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."
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( 3 / 46 )
Monday, December 21, 2009, 04:40 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 21, 2009
"You know your children have grown up when they stop
asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you
where they are going."
--- Socratex
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents
were sitting on the couch chatting.
Krystal asked, " Daddy, are you the boss of the house?"
Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the
house."
But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added,
"Did Mommy tell you that you can play boss tonight,
Daddy?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state
of the art and the best I could find."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Careful with those Christmas Lights!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Train buffs go loco
Train buffs are facing jail after building their own ramshackle
locomotive and taking it on the public rail network.
The six-seater train - made out of garden furniture and
salvaged train parts - was powered by an electric motor
( Looks like a gasoline engine to me! )
and even had its own refreshments car in the shape of a
crate of beer.
Police in Erfut, Germany, were alerted after residents of
properties adjoining the railway spotted the unorthodox vehicle -
and were aware that there should have been no traffic running.
Police however had to call in a helicopter to find and follow
the makeshift train as the police cars could not follow it
along the tracks.
The helicopter pilot was able to radio ahead to other officers
who set up a makeshift barrier at a station to stop it.
Railway bosses had been asked to suspend all services
to avoid a collision although the train buffs had chosen to
have their drive when there had been no trains scheduled.
"It seems to be one of those mad pub ideas that actually
happened. They didn't seem to realise they could have
caused a serious accident if they'd got anywhere near a
real train," said one officer, who did not seem to realize
that trains there run on a very strict schedule, with two
hour gaps in between trains.
Six men, who were arrested on the unauthorised vehicle,
are currently facing public safety charges.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jen
Re: SP3 Panic
Dear Webby,
I understand that Windows is going to end support for SP2 in
July of 2010. It is being recommended to add SP3 in order to
continue getting updates and security fixes. What's your
recommendation?
Thanks,
Jen
Merry Christmas!!!!
Dear Jen
My recommendation is to NOT risk messing up your computer
this close to Christmas.
SP3 works OK on 60% of all Windows computers, and messes
up on 40%..
If it turns out that you dearly miss the dedicated and useful support
by Microsoft after next July, then you can still do the gamble then.
Until then, don't worry about it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to
discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred
and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20
pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least
another fifteen pounds first."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Pillow Shams On Your Sofa
Use pretty pillow sham covers as pillows on your sofa or as throw
cushions! I see these all the time at Goodwill for a buck or two,
and I decided to make use of them. My kids like to use them as
floor pillows, as well. Plus if your sofa is kind of tired looking
you can add a couple and give it a whole new look.
By Carol from Landisville, PA
For those, who commute to work without the benefit of
Gullible Warming, cut some white 3/16" packing foam to the
size of the sham, and stuff 3-4 layers of it into the sham.
Ideally, use the glossy pearl white foam, that has a waxy
feel to it, and in between layers use the very thin and flimsy
open cell foam. That keeps the layers from shifting, plus
either static electricity or some wonderous magic, warms
up the sham as soon as you sit on it.
Princess Auto used to sell those in the 70's as "Self Heating
Seat Pads", and I used them until I left the Yukon in 2000.
At -50º a soft and warm sham instead of a rock-hard frozen
seat makes a world of difference!
If you use a sham that fits into your briefcase, you can
keep it even warmer for the trip home.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner
party. As the guests were enjoying their soup, the maid
called the hostess from the table. The maid informed
her that the wine had been enjoyed more than anticipated
and a lot earlier than planned. So she jumped in the car
and raced to the liquor store to get more and was in such
a hurry on the way back that when she drove over the
edge of the curb at the entrance or something near it,
that she didn't even take the time to check what it was.
Just before the maid was supposed to serve the main
course, the maid again called the hostess to the kitchen.
This time she told her that some time in the afternoon the
cat had must have climbed on the kitchen table and eaten
a large portion of the salmon's midsection.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some
canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were
enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the
kitchen again, and announced while wringing her hands,
"Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and
suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital
and had their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she
had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway, where you
ran over it on the way back from the liquor store."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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went to the eye doctor. The receptionist asked
why was there.
complained,
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asked, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
replied, "No, just spots."
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Sunday, December 20, 2009, 02:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 20, 2009
An executive is a person who always decides;
sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
--- John H. Patterson
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
--- Doctor Who
"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original,
you will have to ram it down their throats."
--- Howard Aiken
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Sandy was sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor
came in and said, "Sandy, this isn't a urine sample you
brought in. It's apple juice."
"Oh my god" sandra said, "I've got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"I may have packed the other bottle in Michael's lunch
box."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jerzy Jancewicz, 48 Bytom in Poland
Burglar found hiding in fridge
Police officers in Poland cracked a cold case when they
finally found a burglar - hiding in a fridge.
The 48-year old crook, from Bytom in Poland, had broken
into an office block but was spotted by a security guard
and fled before police arrived.
Police then received a tip off he was hiding out in his
mistress's apartment but a search showed no trace of him.
But just as officers were preparing to leave they heard
sneezing - coming from inside the fridge.
When they opened the door of the fridge, they found
Jerzy Jancewicz curled up and shivering.
"I don't know how long he'd been in there but he'd caught
a cold as a result," said police spokesman Adam Jakubiak.
"Officers gave him a blanket and a pack of tissues before
taking him away."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bev
Re: Lost Bookmarks
Dear Webby,
I just ran crap cleaner and now all my "pop downs", the sites
I go to everyday, are gone. Is there anyway to get them back?
Thank you,
Bev
Dea Bev
That sounds like you told it to clean your bookmarks and cookies,
and it obediently did as told.
Usually, unless you are concerned about hubby finding out
about your nasty habits, it is best to take the checkmarks off
the bookmarks, cookies and history.
That feature in CrapCleaner is intended to safely obliterate
your tracks, and I don't think there is a way to undo that.
Just take those checkmarks off, so that you won't accidentally
do that again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
While on board a Navy carrier, the air wing was busy
with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one
air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on
and remarked to a nearby buddy,
"That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened,
realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment.
After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by
announcing,
"Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We awe hunting submawenes."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Shop Other Thrift Stores Before Goodwill
I was just reading the comments on the "Saving Money On Jeans"
post, and I agree with the poster who said that Goodwill is getting
"expensive"! There was a bigger, nicer Goodwill building built
here in my city a few years ago, but on recent trips there, I've
noticed that the prices are rather high (at least for a thrift store,
in my opinion). My best friend used to work for them, and said
that they often get brand new merchandise donated to them
from Target and other stores. However, there are at least two
other different thrift stores here in my city, and I know that at
least one of them also gets donations from Target, and they
have much lower prices. Once I bought a Target item from
Goodwill, only to find it about $1.25 cheaper at Salvation Army!
So my tip is to check out all the thrift stores in your area and
compare prices. You might find some of the same items there,
and get them cheaper than you would at Goodwill. I do still
shop at Goodwill, but after I've looked at the other thrift stores
first!
By Lisa from Kenosha, WI
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President
of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president
of prunes at the grocery store!"
"I doubt that!" he said. Not sure if this was true or not,
Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the
Vice President of prunes?"
The clerk replies, "Sure, Canned or Dried?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a
vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your
family?"
"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it,
15 to 2."
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Saturday, December 19, 2009, 02:46 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 19, 2009
"A champion owes everybody something. He can never pay back
for all the help he got, for making him an idol."
--- Jack Dempsey
The best way to keep children home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant, --and let the air out of the tires.
--- Dorothy Parker
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was
discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her
seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge
pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was
185."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, wide-eyed,
"How old are you now?"
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English
teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in
both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled
teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
Santa's Comment:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jordan S. Christensen, 19, of Appleton, Wisconsin
No dates for Interstate dater
APPLETON, Wis. (AP) - A Wisconsin teenager will need legal
permission to date girls for the next three years after he was
convicted of fleeing to Tennessee with his girlfriend in a stolen car.
Nineteen-year-old Jordan S. Christensen of Appleton was
sentenced Friday to one year in jail and three years' probation.
Outagamie County Judge John Des Jardins has ordered
"no dating of the opposite sex without permission of your
probation agent."
Christensen had pleaded no contest to charges of auto theft,
stealing a firearm and bail jumping. He apologized for his
actions before the sentencing.
Investigators say Christensen stole his foster parents' car
May 26 and fled to the Memphis area with his 16-year-old
girlfriend, after jumping bail on a different offense..
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Evelyn
Re: Printing e-Books
Dear Webby,
What is the best way to print e-Books?
Evelyn
Dear Evelyn
By far the best way is to use ClickBook.
I have personally used it for about 10 years now, with all
kinds of different printers, and it has saved me a ton of
paper and ink and toner during that time.
That is why I have had a link to it in the side menu all these years.
When you install it, it shows up as a printer to choose when
printing. To print with it, you select one of almost 200 different
formats, for example 4 pages per sheet paperback book size,
folded, not cut.
Then it shuffles the pages and prints one side of the sheets,
tells you to grab the stack of printed pages and drop them
straight down into the paper tray. You do that and ckick OK,
and it prints the back sides. When done, you simply fold
the stack and shoot some staples through the fold.
All the pages will be in proper sequence, with the proper
ones in the back of each one, just like with a store bought
book.
If you want to cut the pages in half and punch them for a
ring binder, you simply select that format. All the fancy math
for the page shuffling is done automatically.
There are almost 200 formats you can choose from, even
for specialized, odd size binders like the Franklin Planner.
In summary, ClickBooks saves you 3/4 the paper and ink
or toner, makes the book fit on the little tray in an airplane,
and at home fits onto your paperback size shelves.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Jill was selling tickets at the movie. A woman asked her:
"How much is a ticket?"
Jill said, "Four dollars."
She said, "How much for children?"
Jill said, "Same price, four dollars per seat."
She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and
you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Energy Using Night Lights
I purchased white night lights that have an on/off switch from
the dollar store, for all over our house. We find they put out
plenty of light. For example in the bathroom, the light is fine
to use the bathroom, brush our teeth, get dressed, etc. We
then switch them off and use the brighter lights as necessary
for combing hair, applying makeup, etc. Another example is
in larger rooms, someone reading may use a brighter light
to read by, and you could use a night light on the other side
of the room where someone is watching TV or just relaxing.
By Deborah from Terre Hill, PA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man,
who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her.
Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.
"Well," she said," go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man
added, "I just bought it at the hardware store."
And with that, he picked up his paluminum pipe
and carried it off the bus.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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.
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At the grocery store I was trailing a frazzled mother with
two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to
where her young son had perched himself on the rail of
the freezer case and was showing off a rather scary
balancing act.
"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded,
"I'm going to e-mail your father!"
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Which Power Point Viewer?
Friday, December 18, 2009, 03:05 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 18, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
"Children have more need of models than of critics."
-- Joseph Joubert (1754-1824)
"A man never discloses his own character so clearly
as when he describes another's."
-- Jean Paul Richter (1763-1825)
At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in
the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a
piece of pie and was romancing the solitary waitress
there.
All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in.
They observed the connection between the waitress and
the trucker and started to make nasty and suggestive
remarks trying to get the trucker to start something.
But the trucker didn't say anything, just paid his bill
and walked out.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like
your boyfriend ain't much of a man."
The waitress just leaned on the cash register and
looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he ain't
much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over
three bikes out there."
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he
returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed
him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for
you to come home," she said.
"What an example of true love," Dave replied.
"I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and
I didn't know where you were, you can be sure me and
my rolling pin would be waiting for you at the front door."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Radim Kopecky, 22, from the Czech Republic
Man thanks judge for Xmas jail term
A Czech man who threatened to carry on breaking the law so he
could spend Xmas in jail thanked the judge who finally obliged him.
Czech citizen Radim Kopecky, 22, told the court in Korneuburg,
Austria, that life in jail - especially at Christmas - was much better
than living as a free man in his home land.
He was looking forward to having a roof over his head, the
company of other convicts and regular meals.
He said: "I came to Austria to get myself jailed. My life will
be better now."
He repeatedly stole and then turned himself in to Austrian
cops each time - begging them to see he was sent to jail.
Finally, he was sentenced to 16 months and two days in
prison for stealing sweets worth £2.
He told the court after he was sentenced: "I would like to
say thank you very, very much dear judge for jailing me."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: Power Point Reader
Dear Webby,
my friend can not see any powerpoint presentations I send her
in my email.
I know I just downloaded a free one years ago. On your Web Tools
you have something called PowerPoint Reader. If I send her this,
could she download it free and then see the shows I send her?
Which year is best to download? I have 2003. Should I download
a newer version? I love what I have so probably best to leave it
alone. Thanks for you help. I enjoy
your letter so much and I continue to vote each day.
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
The Microsoft PowerPoint Reader in my Tool Box works OK.
If it works fine for you, don't worry about downloading updates.
It probably has been updated with the regular Windows Updates anyway.
The one built into Open Office (Open Office is also in the Tool Box,
it works even better, especially if she wants to snag the odd picture.
That one opens in harvesting mode by default,
and you hit F5 for auto-play.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the
most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants
of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Packing Peanuts in Plant Containers
Like many others I use packing peanuts in my flower
containers. I don't have to use as much potting soil, and
it keeps my containers lighter. This year I went to go change
out the soil in my biggest container. I had to hand pick out
each peanut from the soil. What a chore! When I went to
replace the peanuts this time, I put them in an onion net
bag and tied the bag off. Next time I go to change out the
potting soil it will be a snap!
By Liz from New Baden, IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked
the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was
a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl
rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had
suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Thursday, December 17, 2009, 03:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 17, 2009
"It's so simple to be wise.
Just think of something stupid to say
and then don't say it."
---Sam Levenson
A granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with
Nancy, and she decided to teach her to sew. After she
had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread
the machine, the granddaughter stepped back, put her
hands on her hips, and said in disbelief:
"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my
Game Boy?"
There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs,
when they came across a sign saying:
TREE FELLERS WANTED.
"Ohhh, to be sure, too be sure!" said one. "What a
shame there are only the too of us!"
Where is that?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Francis Viliar, 36, in Boston, Mass
Dopey crook mutilated his finger tips
BOSTON (AP) - Police said a Boston man wanted for drug trafficking
tried to hide his identity by cutting off his fingertips.
State Police spokesman David Procopio said Monday that Francis Viliar
admitted to police that he paid someone $400 to slice off the fleshy pads
at the ends of his fingers.
The 36-year-old was arrested Friday after state police pulled him over
for speeding in Brockton. He was charged with giving a false name
and carrying a dangerous weapon.
During booking, officers discovered that his fingertips were
covered in scar tissue. FBI specialists were still able to identify Viliar,
who had 13 warrants, using ridges from the prints.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lillian
Re: Vote!
Dear Webby,
*Please* put in a little message for me, in your newsletter !
* Webby only needs.. ...*1,118 Votes*..... to hit the* 50,000* mark !!
Come on everybody let's do it !!!! Webby has earned it !!!! ....
(*Thanks for all the wonderful info you give us !! * )
Lillian Victoria, B.C.
Thanks, Lillian!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A Guy and his wife are riding two up on a bike along a
twisty road with a 55MPH limit. A cop pulls them over.
"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the
cop.
"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up
someone else or something, but my speedometer was
set right on 55."
The wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've told you
20 miles back you were going to get stopped if you didn't
slow down."
"Quiet please!" mumbles the guy.
"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop.
"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."
The wife says, "That card's no good and you know it.
You haven't paid the last premium and the company sent
you a cancellation notice."
"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut up for a minute?"
"Ma'am," says the cop. "Does this guy always talk to
you like this?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stacks Books Under Lamps
With the cute lamps that I'd like for my living room being to
expensive for me right now, I have to make due with what I
have, so I've taken little, less expensive lamps and put them
on books! It looks real cute and all you have to do is pile-up
some books, what ever height you'd like and put the lamp on
top. Hard cover, paperback, cookbooks; they all work! My
daughter has started do it also. She's not much of a reader now,
working and being busy with children, so she picked some up
at yard sales and library sales! Hope this helps someone out!
By Corky from Dunkirk, NY
You better make a cage for those tall stacks of books, otherwise
you are just one little nudge away from a major mess and a
broken lamp! Oak or plastic wood look L-shaped corner molding
is cheap and works well. It can be glued and screwed to a bottom
and top piece of wood. If you tie the stack first with flower wire,
hay wire or dental floss, from corner to corner, while somebody
sits on the stack, and then hide the wire with the corner molding,
the stack will be as solid and steady as a concrete column.
Another trick for nice floor standing lights is to make miniature
antique gas light poles. The trickiest part is making a form
for the pedestal, however, it does not have to be perfect!
Then get a pipe and bend it, so that it has a fairly tight right
angle at the bottom and touches the form, when the upright
part is in the center of the pedestal, and a gentle lamp post
curve at the top. Electrical conduit works well, is cheap,
and you can get a fitting to match any lamp for less than a
dollar.
Fill the form with cheap gypsum and water mix. You can
stretch it by tossing rocks into it, but not near the outside.
Also get a bunch of old rope, or make some from rags.
Gypsum hardens fast, and after half an hour or so the pedestal
is solid. Wrap the rope or rags around the pole and smear it
with gypsum. Mix small batches for that, because it hardens
quickly! Once it starts hardening, you can NOT soften it by
adding water.
Look at a picture of an old gas light pole. Most are 8-sided,
and some are nicely fluted. Cut a scraper with the desired
shape from a coffee can lid, and use that to scrape the
column. Gypsum is only about as hard as cheese during the
first few hours, and not much harder after that. It can be shaped
easily.
You can stop at any time and do another section the next
weekend. When you got the column finished and it has dried
completely, you can paint it with a bronze patina look-alike
paint.
Shove the lamp cord through the pipe after removing the
pedestal form, attach the lamp to the top, and you have a floor
standing lamp that looks like you paid thousands of dollars for it,
and is heavy enogh so that kids won't knock it over.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband,
"I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning,
and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started
to insult me. He used really bad language. He even
threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very
concerned.
"Well," she says, "we met by accident. I ran into his
wheelchair with the car."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Jack had the toughest time of his life. First, he got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as he was
recovering from these, he got tuberculosis, pneumonia
and pythisis. Then he got hypodermics. Appendicitis was
followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia
and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Jack completely lost his
memory for a while. He had diabetes and indigestion, as
well as gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
It was the hardest spelling test he ever took.
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 03:08 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The nicest thing about standards is that there are so
many of them to choose from.
--- Ken Olsen
Always do right. This will gratify some people
and astonish the rest.
--- Mark Twain
Teacher: If your father earned $100.00 and gave half to
your mother, what would she have?
Little Johnny: A heart attack!
News Item: An Oregon State University animal rights
activist denounces vegetarianism because mice, moles
and rabbits are often killed in the preparation of farmland
to grow vegetables.
You might want to stop eating until the dogooders sort
this out.
Large
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to James and Wayne Snell, in Cardiff, England
Bank robbery with personalized license plate
A GANG of robbers have been jailed after one used his car
with a personalised plate to set up a job.
Read more: http://snipurl.com/tpn48 [www_thesun_co_uk]
Blundering James Snell was spotted in his BMW with the
registration "J4MES" as he nicked a heavy drain cover.
The cover was used to smash a bank window in a £104,000 raid
- and Snell was tracked down after a witness remembered
seeing the number plate and told cops.
Snell, 27, his brother Wayne, 34, and two other crooks have now
been jailed for a total of 38 years over the robbery in Cardiff.
The city's Crown Court heard the gang struck as security
guards were refilling a Halifax branch cash machine around
midnight.
Two raiders used metal drain covers to shatter the window
while a third threatened the guards with a bat and the fourth
waited in a stolen getaway car.
A council highways official later identified one of the covers.
The witness had seen it being pinched by a man in a sporty blue
BMW with a personal plate.
The car was found at a house where the Snell brothers were
caught red-handed with £30,000.
Prosecutor Daniel Williams said: "It was the distinctiveness of
the car which contributed to the robbers' undoing."
The Snells and Adam Abbot, 38, admitted robbery. Carl Campion, 44,
had denied the charge but was found guilty at a separate trial.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Donna
Re: Font sizes too big
Dear Webby,
I use McAfee Security and when I went to look at it yesterday,
the font size is much larger and I can't navigate to all the
different things I want to look at. This happened to me several
years ago and I can vaguely remember that I had to change
the setting on the computer, but have searched and searched
and cannot find it. This has also affected my Weatherbug...
Can the guru help me?
Donna
Dear Donna
Make sure that your resolution is set to HiColor and the highest
comfortable resolution. Sometimes games change that to 256
colors and a rather coarse resolution. That would cause the
McAfee and WeatherBug panels to display huge and weird.
Try right-clicking on the desktop,
Properties,
Settings
Set the resolution to the highest that you are comopfrtable with.
I have used 1600 x 1200 for about a dozen years, and anything
coarser than that, looks awful to me.
Then click on
Advanced
an in there play with the DPI setting.
Theoretically that should change the font sizes in the McAfee panel.
That should do the trick.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the
Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique
architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the
modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to
his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas
Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Soda Bottles for Spaghetti
Keep your large 2-liter bottles for storing spaghetti.
After you wash the bottles, stuff paper towels inside to help
draw out the water. Making sure the bottle is dry, put in your
spaghetti. This takes time, but the result is worth it to me,
because it will dispense a serving of spaghetti with just a
shake of the wrist. It's easier for me than having to deal
with spaghetti from a bag or plastic container. It seems
to scatter all over the place.
By Tim from Science Hill, KY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Recently on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant
announced,
"As per federal regulations every 500th landing has to be a
manual landing, not on auto-pilot. Our new co-pilot will be
performing his first manual landing for us today, so be sure
to give him a big round of applause when we come to a
stop."
Well, the plane made an extremely bumpy landing,
bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still,
the passengers applauded.
Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom,
"Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot
know which of his three landings you liked best."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two cowboys were scouting near their fort and worrying
that the Indians might be overrunning them. As they
listened to the distant pounding war drums, one cowboy
muttered to the other: "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, an apologetic voice came from behind a bush,
"Our regular drummer slept in."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
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