Friday, December 25, 2009, 08:10 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 25, 2009
"God gave us memory
that we might have roses in December."
--- James Matthew Barrie
"You can complain because roses have thorns,
or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."
--- Tom Wilson
The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
The budding young Yuppette had been dating a
successful stockbroker for several months. Just
before Christmas she asked her Mother,
"Whatever can you give a man who has everything
for Christmas?"
Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied,
"Encouragement dear, encouragement."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Did YOU say "Holiday Bush?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Elsa Benson, 53, of Kerrville, texas
911 Abuser
KERRVILLE, TEXAS -- A Kerrville woman has been arrested after
calling 911 when her husband wouldn't eat his dinner.
53-year-old Elsa Benson was charged with 911 abuse.
Kerrville Police say she has called 911 for non-emergency reasons
30 times in the past six months.
"The majority of our officers, if not all our officers, know this
particular resident very well," Kerrville Police Department
spokesman Paul Gonzales said.
Last Friday, Benson called 911 twice. Unable to determine
what she was saying over the phone, officers responded to her
home, where the Kerrville resident told officers her reason for calling
"She had called because her husband did not want to eat his
supper," Gonzales said.
In recent months, police say Benson has called 911 because
she couldn't find her clothes and because her dogs had gotten
loose, or about events that happened weeks before the call,
among other non-emergency reasons.
"These residents have been warned on numerous occasions
about the abuse of emergency 911 calls," Gonzales said.
Yet Benson keeps calling.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Geri
Re: OE not getting my email
Dear Webby,
Please help me. I have a friend who works on computers and
he checked mine to see if I could install the new windows.
No problem. I am still considering it. In the meantime he
transfered all of my outlook mail to a gmail account and now
I am not getting any personal mail in the gmail and no mail
in the outlook. He said all I had to do is sign out of the
gmail and I would begin getting outlook mail again. Not so!
I have important main I need to recieve and now he is too busy
to help. I am not very savy but can follow simple instruction.
Can you help?
Thanks,
Geri
Dear Geri
Why would you want to handicap yourself with the half-baked
new Windows?
And installed by a "screw-up and run" type "friend", who can't
even set up your email properly!
Did the eggnog backfire?
Try to restrict access to the computer to only sober people,
before somebody causes permanent damage or loses
important stuff!
I have no idea what your "friend" did to mess up your email.
You will probably need a professional to sit at it to fix the
damage.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced
that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking
for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange,
they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an
hour later.
About eight people ran up to the counter to
take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat
down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter
announced:
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew
who'd like to volunteer, please step forward!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Food Scraps for Wildlife
If you are a mother who periodically finds half a peanut butter
sandwich, the bottom of a cupcake or a partially eaten cookie
left by a child whose eyes were bigger than their stomach,
there is a solution other than the "momism" about starving
children in Africa (China, Bangladesh, Uganda ...). In a friend's
house, the scraps are deposited in a large, covered, plastic
container labeled, "good-will can". The children know that these
leftovers will be put out daily for the birds, squirrels and other
animals who share the world with us. We have attracted
many varieties of birds and small animals that are fun to
watch and and have taught the children that they can share
with those less fortunate who are not human I do this with
leftover cat food, and food scraps but I put it into a freezer
container. When the containers are full and there are a half
dozen, I take them out to my daughter's dog who thinks they
are a wonderful treat. They arrive in a red grocery bag and
this dog KNOWS that they are for him (he shares with his
cat too!)
By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, BC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for
Christmas," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first
time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best
Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to
play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it
at night."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
People used the postcard sites again more than the year before
and saved a pile of paper about 6000 Meters high.
For our friends in the USA, the only country in the
world where some people are still using the quaint
Imperial-colonial measurement units, about 13043
cubits or roughly 19700 feet. So, picture a pile of
Christmas cards 435 times as tall as Noah's ark.
Now don't go upgrading your units of measurement!
What would I tease you about then ?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 610 )
Convert Internet dates to spreadsheet dates
Thursday, December 24, 2009, 06:55 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 24, 2009
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties,
is looking for a job the next day."
--- Phyllis Diller
You can't depend on your eyes
when your imagination is out of focus.
--- Mark Twain
Little Johnny came home from school one day and
said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any
brothers or sisters."
"And what did she say when you told her you were an
only child?" his mom asked.
And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep
breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
On their way to church to get married,
a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting
outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the
paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they
wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has
ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to
wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't
work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together
forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened
couple.
"Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY
idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to cops in Cremona, Italy
Cops total their Lamborghini
Italian police officers wrote off a £200,000 ($320,000) supercar
given to them by Lamborghini when it smashed into a row of
parked cars.
The 202mph Gallardo coupe was one of two donated to police by
the luxury motor manufacturer to help with high speed pursuits.
Witnesses say the police car had accelerated massively just
before another car pulled out of a petrol station and forced it off
the road in Cremona, northern Italy.
Embarrassed cops tried to confiscate phone cameras from witnesses
but abandoned the plan when hundreds turned up to gawp at the smash.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alex
Re: Internet date to spreadsheet date
Dear Webby,
If anybody would know, it's probably you.
We got all our client lists safely on the web, so that every staff
member always has access to them, no matter where they happen
to be at the time. Now we need to get the names and addresses
and dates into a regular spreadsheet to send Christmas cards
to the clients. Names and addresses are easy, but all dates are
weird numbers, that spreadsheets can't convert to dates.
Is there a way to convert them to dates, without punching one
number at a time into an online converter?
Merry Christmas!
Alex
Dear Alex
On the web younormally use UNIX time, the number of seconds
since 01/01/1970. Spreadsheets usually use the days since
01/01/1900. Knowing that, you simply divide the UNX number
by 86400 to get days, and add 25569 (70 years worth of days)
to it. Then format that column as DATE.
So, if your UNIX date number is in column D, from row 1 to 5000,
and you want the human readable date in column E, put this into E1:
+d1/86400+25569
or in Excel it would be =d1/86400+25569
Then copy that formula down to all cells in E from 1 to 5000
and format that column as DATE format.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year
he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of
bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll
make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here
early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this
game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to
her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home
admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is
staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't
believe you all went to such expense for this golf
game. I patted my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said,
'Take an extra sweater, it's probably quite chilly out on
the golf course'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Reindeer Food For Christmas Eve
Materials
* 1 cup of oatmeal
* 1 Tbsp. of brown sugar
* 1 tsp cinnamon
Instructions
Mix carefully. Add a dash of glitter just before spreading on
front lawn on Christmas Eve. The glitter will sparkle under
the moonlight and will catch the eye of the reindeer.
This makes a great quick snack for the reindeer, while they
are waiting for Santa to return to his sleigh.
By Leslie from Brandon, MS
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the
church was looking over the cradle when he noticed
that the baby Jesus was missing from among the
figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and
saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon
was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked
up the boy and said,
"Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I
prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give Him a ride around the block in it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
English - Merry Christmas
Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Albanian - Gezuar Krishtlindje
Arabic - I'd MIILAD Said Oua Sana Saida
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Celtic - Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Chinese -
(Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
(Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Gladelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Kala - Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Northern Sotho - Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa
Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Papiamento - Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
Pig Latin - Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Feliz Natal
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian - Craciun Fericit
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad!
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Waray - Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
Zulu - Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 637 )
Missing 'Safely unplug device' icon
Tuesday, December 22, 2009, 07:25 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Days are getting longer again!
We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves
to be like other people.
--- Arthur Schopenhauer
Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask what's for lunch.
--- Orson Welles
One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out
minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in
the room where your family argues most," he advised.
"When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God
is watching."
When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman
walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said,
"I'll take five."
When Little Johnny's family moved into their new
house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the
new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has
his own room, and Betty-Sue has her own room.
WE can have fun! But dad is still stuck with mom."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Rescue Dog in training
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and a Darwin Award goes to Lucas William Stenning, 32, from Bock,
Minnesota
Too stupid to live
Charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, 32,
who six weeks earlier had pleaded guilty to knowingly violating
registration required of a predatory offender.
Charges were dismissed....because Lucas was dead.
In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock,
an injured "hit and run victim" was reported. The pedestrian, found
on the side of the road, died in the ambulance at the scene.
In a related story, police reported that a 32-year-old man had
concocted a scheme to stage an accident in order to obtain
prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle,
become injured, go to the hospital and receive narcotic
painkillers.
That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning,
died at the scene due to head injuries.
In other words: Lucas, 32, avoided a serious parole violation
because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself
by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription
painkillers. DUH!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Missing "Safely unplug device" icon
Dear Webby,
Another question from one of your fans. We do appreciate the
computer help as well as all the jokes and wonderful pictures.
I've lost the safely remove icon form the bottom of my desktop.
How do I get it back?
Shiveringly yours,
Shirley
from up north.
Dear Shirley
No Gullible Warming up there either?
Maybe we are not farting around enough?
The disappearing "Safely Unplug" icon is an ancient Windows
There is no fix for that bug.
However, there is a sneaky way around it.
Right-click on the desktop.
New
Shortcut
paste this into the Location line:
C:\windows\system32\RunDll32.exe shell32.dll,Control_RunDLL hotplug.dll
Next
Type in UN-plug
OK
The proper icon for it, if you want it, is in hotplug.dll in the
C:\windows\system32\ directory, however, you can assign any
cute and sexy icon to it.
After that, to use the Unplugger on those days of the month,
when Windows has a headache and won't let you use the icon
in the task bar, use the one you made.
A fringe benefit is that when you use yours, Windows feels guilty,
briefly blushes and makes the icon in the taskbar usable again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free
medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop
people from asking you for legal advice when you're
out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freeze Whipping Cream In Ice Cube Trays
When I buy whipping cream, I buy it on sale. Then I pour it
into ice cube trays and freeze. Once frozen I put the cubes
in ziplock bags in the freezer. A cube is about 2 Tablespoons.
It's great when you only need a couple tablespoons in a recipe.
By Linda from CT
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe
exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's
the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right,
and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf. What could have
gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty
cents worth of ground beef '..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
An out-of-towner in New York decided to revisit an
uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the
city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he
said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first
came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried
waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 1030 )
Monday, December 21, 2009, 09:40 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 21, 2009
"You know your children have grown up when they stop
asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you
where they are going."
--- Socratex
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents
were sitting on the couch chatting.
Krystal asked, " Daddy, are you the boss of the house?"
Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the
house."
But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added,
"Did Mommy tell you that you can play boss tonight,
Daddy?"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state
of the art and the best I could find."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Careful with those Christmas Lights!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Train buffs go loco
Train buffs are facing jail after building their own ramshackle
locomotive and taking it on the public rail network.
The six-seater train - made out of garden furniture and
salvaged train parts - was powered by an electric motor
( Looks like a gasoline engine to me! )
and even had its own refreshments car in the shape of a
crate of beer.
Police in Erfut, Germany, were alerted after residents of
properties adjoining the railway spotted the unorthodox vehicle -
and were aware that there should have been no traffic running.
Police however had to call in a helicopter to find and follow
the makeshift train as the police cars could not follow it
along the tracks.
The helicopter pilot was able to radio ahead to other officers
who set up a makeshift barrier at a station to stop it.
Railway bosses had been asked to suspend all services
to avoid a collision although the train buffs had chosen to
have their drive when there had been no trains scheduled.
"It seems to be one of those mad pub ideas that actually
happened. They didn't seem to realise they could have
caused a serious accident if they'd got anywhere near a
real train," said one officer, who did not seem to realize
that trains there run on a very strict schedule, with two
hour gaps in between trains.
Six men, who were arrested on the unauthorised vehicle,
are currently facing public safety charges.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jen
Re: SP3 Panic
Dear Webby,
I understand that Windows is going to end support for SP2 in
July of 2010. It is being recommended to add SP3 in order to
continue getting updates and security fixes. What's your
recommendation?
Thanks,
Jen
Merry Christmas!!!!
Dear Jen
My recommendation is to NOT risk messing up your computer
this close to Christmas.
SP3 works OK on 60% of all Windows computers, and messes
up on 40%..
If it turns out that you dearly miss the dedicated and useful support
by Microsoft after next July, then you can still do the gamble then.
Until then, don't worry about it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to
discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred
and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20
pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least
another fifteen pounds first."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Pillow Shams On Your Sofa
Use pretty pillow sham covers as pillows on your sofa or as throw
cushions! I see these all the time at Goodwill for a buck or two,
and I decided to make use of them. My kids like to use them as
floor pillows, as well. Plus if your sofa is kind of tired looking
you can add a couple and give it a whole new look.
By Carol from Landisville, PA
For those, who commute to work without the benefit of
Gullible Warming, cut some white 3/16" packing foam to the
size of the sham, and stuff 3-4 layers of it into the sham.
Ideally, use the glossy pearl white foam, that has a waxy
feel to it, and in between layers use the very thin and flimsy
open cell foam. That keeps the layers from shifting, plus
either static electricity or some wonderous magic, warms
up the sham as soon as you sit on it.
Princess Auto used to sell those in the 70's as "Self Heating
Seat Pads", and I used them until I left the Yukon in 2000.
At -50º a soft and warm sham instead of a rock-hard frozen
seat makes a world of difference!
If you use a sham that fits into your briefcase, you can
keep it even warmer for the trip home.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner
party. As the guests were enjoying their soup, the maid
called the hostess from the table. The maid informed
her that the wine had been enjoyed more than anticipated
and a lot earlier than planned. So she jumped in the car
and raced to the liquor store to get more and was in such
a hurry on the way back that when she drove over the
edge of the curb at the entrance or something near it,
that she didn't even take the time to check what it was.
Just before the maid was supposed to serve the main
course, the maid again called the hostess to the kitchen.
This time she told her that some time in the afternoon the
cat had must have climbed on the kitchen table and eaten
a large portion of the salmon's midsection.
The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some
canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were
enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the
kitchen again, and announced while wringing her hands,
"Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and
suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital
and had their stomachs pumped.
Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she
had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway, where you
ran over it on the way back from the liquor store."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
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went to the eye doctor. The receptionist asked
why was there.
complained,
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asked, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
replied, "No, just spots."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 526 )
Sunday, December 20, 2009, 07:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 20, 2009
An executive is a person who always decides;
sometimes he decides correctly,
but he always decides.
--- John H. Patterson
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
--- Doctor Who
"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original,
you will have to ram it down their throats."
--- Howard Aiken
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Sandy was sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor
came in and said, "Sandy, this isn't a urine sample you
brought in. It's apple juice."
"Oh my god" sandra said, "I've got to get to a phone."
"Why?" asked the doctor.
"I may have packed the other bottle in Michael's lunch
box."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jerzy Jancewicz, 48 Bytom in Poland
Burglar found hiding in fridge
Police officers in Poland cracked a cold case when they
finally found a burglar - hiding in a fridge.
The 48-year old crook, from Bytom in Poland, had broken
into an office block but was spotted by a security guard
and fled before police arrived.
Police then received a tip off he was hiding out in his
mistress's apartment but a search showed no trace of him.
But just as officers were preparing to leave they heard
sneezing - coming from inside the fridge.
When they opened the door of the fridge, they found
Jerzy Jancewicz curled up and shivering.
"I don't know how long he'd been in there but he'd caught
a cold as a result," said police spokesman Adam Jakubiak.
"Officers gave him a blanket and a pack of tissues before
taking him away."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bev
Re: Lost Bookmarks
Dear Webby,
I just ran crap cleaner and now all my "pop downs", the sites
I go to everyday, are gone. Is there anyway to get them back?
Thank you,
Bev
Dea Bev
That sounds like you told it to clean your bookmarks and cookies,
and it obediently did as told.
Usually, unless you are concerned about hubby finding out
about your nasty habits, it is best to take the checkmarks off
the bookmarks, cookies and history.
That feature in CrapCleaner is intended to safely obliterate
your tracks, and I don't think there is a way to undo that.
Just take those checkmarks off, so that you won't accidentally
do that again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
While on board a Navy carrier, the air wing was busy
with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one
air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on
and remarked to a nearby buddy,
"That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."
The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened,
realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment.
After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by
announcing,
"Be vewy, vewy quiet.
We awe hunting submawenes."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Shop Other Thrift Stores Before Goodwill
I was just reading the comments on the "Saving Money On Jeans"
post, and I agree with the poster who said that Goodwill is getting
"expensive"! There was a bigger, nicer Goodwill building built
here in my city a few years ago, but on recent trips there, I've
noticed that the prices are rather high (at least for a thrift store,
in my opinion). My best friend used to work for them, and said
that they often get brand new merchandise donated to them
from Target and other stores. However, there are at least two
other different thrift stores here in my city, and I know that at
least one of them also gets donations from Target, and they
have much lower prices. Once I bought a Target item from
Goodwill, only to find it about $1.25 cheaper at Salvation Army!
So my tip is to check out all the thrift stores in your area and
compare prices. You might find some of the same items there,
and get them cheaper than you would at Goodwill. I do still
shop at Goodwill, but after I've looked at the other thrift stores
first!
By Lisa from Kenosha, WI
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President
of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it
any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president
of prunes at the grocery store!"
"I doubt that!" he said. Not sure if this was true or not,
Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the
Vice President of prunes?"
The clerk replies, "Sure, Canned or Dried?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a
vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your
family?"
"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it,
15 to 2."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 672 )
Saturday, December 19, 2009, 07:46 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 19, 2009
"A champion owes everybody something. He can never pay back
for all the help he got, for making him an idol."
--- Jack Dempsey
The best way to keep children home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant, --and let the air out of the tires.
--- Dorothy Parker
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was
discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her
seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge
pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was
185."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, wide-eyed,
"How old are you now?"
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English
teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in
both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled
teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
Santa's Comment:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jordan S. Christensen, 19, of Appleton, Wisconsin
No dates for Interstate dater
APPLETON, Wis. (AP) - A Wisconsin teenager will need legal
permission to date girls for the next three years after he was
convicted of fleeing to Tennessee with his girlfriend in a stolen car.
Nineteen-year-old Jordan S. Christensen of Appleton was
sentenced Friday to one year in jail and three years' probation.
Outagamie County Judge John Des Jardins has ordered
"no dating of the opposite sex without permission of your
probation agent."
Christensen had pleaded no contest to charges of auto theft,
stealing a firearm and bail jumping. He apologized for his
actions before the sentencing.
Investigators say Christensen stole his foster parents' car
May 26 and fled to the Memphis area with his 16-year-old
girlfriend, after jumping bail on a different offense..
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Evelyn
Re: Printing e-Books
Dear Webby,
What is the best way to print e-Books?
Evelyn
Dear Evelyn
By far the best way is to use ClickBook.
I have personally used it for about 10 years now, with all
kinds of different printers, and it has saved me a ton of
paper and ink and toner during that time.
That is why I have had a link to it in the side menu all these years.
When you install it, it shows up as a printer to choose when
printing. To print with it, you select one of almost 200 different
formats, for example 4 pages per sheet paperback book size,
folded, not cut.
Then it shuffles the pages and prints one side of the sheets,
tells you to grab the stack of printed pages and drop them
straight down into the paper tray. You do that and ckick OK,
and it prints the back sides. When done, you simply fold
the stack and shoot some staples through the fold.
All the pages will be in proper sequence, with the proper
ones in the back of each one, just like with a store bought
book.
If you want to cut the pages in half and punch them for a
ring binder, you simply select that format. All the fancy math
for the page shuffling is done automatically.
There are almost 200 formats you can choose from, even
for specialized, odd size binders like the Franklin Planner.
In summary, ClickBooks saves you 3/4 the paper and ink
or toner, makes the book fit on the little tray in an airplane,
and at home fits onto your paperback size shelves.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Jill was selling tickets at the movie. A woman asked her:
"How much is a ticket?"
Jill said, "Four dollars."
She said, "How much for children?"
Jill said, "Same price, four dollars per seat."
She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and
you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Energy Using Night Lights
I purchased white night lights that have an on/off switch from
the dollar store, for all over our house. We find they put out
plenty of light. For example in the bathroom, the light is fine
to use the bathroom, brush our teeth, get dressed, etc. We
then switch them off and use the brighter lights as necessary
for combing hair, applying makeup, etc. Another example is
in larger rooms, someone reading may use a brighter light
to read by, and you could use a night light on the other side
of the room where someone is watching TV or just relaxing.
By Deborah from Terre Hill, PA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man,
who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her.
Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.
"Well," she said," go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
My mother was completely perplexed until the young man
added, "I just bought it at the hardware store."
And with that, he picked up his paluminum pipe
and carried it off the bus.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
At the grocery store I was trailing a frazzled mother with
two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to
where her young son had perched himself on the rail of
the freezer case and was showing off a rather scary
balancing act.
"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded,
"I'm going to e-mail your father!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Which Power Point Viewer?
Friday, December 18, 2009, 08:05 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 18, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
"Children have more need of models than of critics."
-- Joseph Joubert (1754-1824)
"A man never discloses his own character so clearly
as when he describes another's."
-- Jean Paul Richter (1763-1825)
At a truck stop off I-40 in Arkansas about 2 o'clock in
the morning, a trucker was having a cup of coffee and a
piece of pie and was romancing the solitary waitress
there.
All of a sudden, three mean looking bikers came in.
They observed the connection between the waitress and
the trucker and started to make nasty and suggestive
remarks trying to get the trucker to start something.
But the trucker didn't say anything, just paid his bill
and walked out.
One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Looks like
your boyfriend ain't much of a man."
The waitress just leaned on the cash register and
looked out the window and said, "Yeah, and he ain't
much of a trucker either. He just ran his semi over
three bikes out there."
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he
returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed
him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for
you to come home," she said.
"What an example of true love," Dave replied.
"I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and
I didn't know where you were, you can be sure me and
my rolling pin would be waiting for you at the front door."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Radim Kopecky, 22, from the Czech Republic
Man thanks judge for Xmas jail term
A Czech man who threatened to carry on breaking the law so he
could spend Xmas in jail thanked the judge who finally obliged him.
Czech citizen Radim Kopecky, 22, told the court in Korneuburg,
Austria, that life in jail - especially at Christmas - was much better
than living as a free man in his home land.
He was looking forward to having a roof over his head, the
company of other convicts and regular meals.
He said: "I came to Austria to get myself jailed. My life will
be better now."
He repeatedly stole and then turned himself in to Austrian
cops each time - begging them to see he was sent to jail.
Finally, he was sentenced to 16 months and two days in
prison for stealing sweets worth £2.
He told the court after he was sentenced: "I would like to
say thank you very, very much dear judge for jailing me."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: Power Point Reader
Dear Webby,
my friend can not see any powerpoint presentations I send her
in my email.
I know I just downloaded a free one years ago. On your Web Tools
you have something called PowerPoint Reader. If I send her this,
could she download it free and then see the shows I send her?
Which year is best to download? I have 2003. Should I download
a newer version? I love what I have so probably best to leave it
alone. Thanks for you help. I enjoy
your letter so much and I continue to vote each day.
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
The Microsoft PowerPoint Reader in my Tool Box works OK.
If it works fine for you, don't worry about downloading updates.
It probably has been updated with the regular Windows Updates anyway.
The one built into Open Office (Open Office is also in the Tool Box,
it works even better, especially if she wants to snag the odd picture.
That one opens in harvesting mode by default,
and you hit F5 for auto-play.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the
most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants
of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Packing Peanuts in Plant Containers
Like many others I use packing peanuts in my flower
containers. I don't have to use as much potting soil, and
it keeps my containers lighter. This year I went to go change
out the soil in my biggest container. I had to hand pick out
each peanut from the soil. What a chore! When I went to
replace the peanuts this time, I put them in an onion net
bag and tied the bag off. Next time I go to change out the
potting soil it will be a snap!
By Liz from New Baden, IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked
the following hypothetical question: "If your beat was
a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl
rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had
suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 654 )
Thursday, December 17, 2009, 08:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 17, 2009
"It's so simple to be wise.
Just think of something stupid to say
and then don't say it."
---Sam Levenson
A granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with
Nancy, and she decided to teach her to sew. After she
had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread
the machine, the granddaughter stepped back, put her
hands on her hips, and said in disbelief:
"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my
Game Boy?"
There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs,
when they came across a sign saying:
TREE FELLERS WANTED.
"Ohhh, to be sure, too be sure!" said one. "What a
shame there are only the too of us!"
Where is that?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Francis Viliar, 36, in Boston, Mass
Dopey crook mutilated his finger tips
BOSTON (AP) - Police said a Boston man wanted for drug trafficking
tried to hide his identity by cutting off his fingertips.
State Police spokesman David Procopio said Monday that Francis Viliar
admitted to police that he paid someone $400 to slice off the fleshy pads
at the ends of his fingers.
The 36-year-old was arrested Friday after state police pulled him over
for speeding in Brockton. He was charged with giving a false name
and carrying a dangerous weapon.
During booking, officers discovered that his fingertips were
covered in scar tissue. FBI specialists were still able to identify Viliar,
who had 13 warrants, using ridges from the prints.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lillian
Re: Vote!
Dear Webby,
*Please* put in a little message for me, in your newsletter !
* Webby only needs.. ...*1,118 Votes*..... to hit the* 50,000* mark !!
Come on everybody let's do it !!!! Webby has earned it !!!! ....
(*Thanks for all the wonderful info you give us !! * )
Lillian Victoria, B.C.
Thanks, Lillian!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A Guy and his wife are riding two up on a bike along a
twisty road with a 55MPH limit. A cop pulls them over.
"Had you going about 70 in 55 back there," says the
cop.
"Not me," says the guy, "Could be your radar picked up
someone else or something, but my speedometer was
set right on 55."
The wife pipes up, "You were to going 70. I've told you
20 miles back you were going to get stopped if you didn't
slow down."
"Quiet please!" mumbles the guy.
"Can I see your proof of insurance?" asks the cop.
"Sure, my card is right here in my wallet."
The wife says, "That card's no good and you know it.
You haven't paid the last premium and the company sent
you a cancellation notice."
"Damn," yells the guy. "Would you shut up for a minute?"
"Ma'am," says the cop. "Does this guy always talk to
you like this?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stacks Books Under Lamps
With the cute lamps that I'd like for my living room being to
expensive for me right now, I have to make due with what I
have, so I've taken little, less expensive lamps and put them
on books! It looks real cute and all you have to do is pile-up
some books, what ever height you'd like and put the lamp on
top. Hard cover, paperback, cookbooks; they all work! My
daughter has started do it also. She's not much of a reader now,
working and being busy with children, so she picked some up
at yard sales and library sales! Hope this helps someone out!
By Corky from Dunkirk, NY
You better make a cage for those tall stacks of books, otherwise
you are just one little nudge away from a major mess and a
broken lamp! Oak or plastic wood look L-shaped corner molding
is cheap and works well. It can be glued and screwed to a bottom
and top piece of wood. If you tie the stack first with flower wire,
hay wire or dental floss, from corner to corner, while somebody
sits on the stack, and then hide the wire with the corner molding,
the stack will be as solid and steady as a concrete column.
Another trick for nice floor standing lights is to make miniature
antique gas light poles. The trickiest part is making a form
for the pedestal, however, it does not have to be perfect!
Then get a pipe and bend it, so that it has a fairly tight right
angle at the bottom and touches the form, when the upright
part is in the center of the pedestal, and a gentle lamp post
curve at the top. Electrical conduit works well, is cheap,
and you can get a fitting to match any lamp for less than a
dollar.
Fill the form with cheap gypsum and water mix. You can
stretch it by tossing rocks into it, but not near the outside.
Also get a bunch of old rope, or make some from rags.
Gypsum hardens fast, and after half an hour or so the pedestal
is solid. Wrap the rope or rags around the pole and smear it
with gypsum. Mix small batches for that, because it hardens
quickly! Once it starts hardening, you can NOT soften it by
adding water.
Look at a picture of an old gas light pole. Most are 8-sided,
and some are nicely fluted. Cut a scraper with the desired
shape from a coffee can lid, and use that to scrape the
column. Gypsum is only about as hard as cheese during the
first few hours, and not much harder after that. It can be shaped
easily.
You can stop at any time and do another section the next
weekend. When you got the column finished and it has dried
completely, you can paint it with a bronze patina look-alike
paint.
Shove the lamp cord through the pipe after removing the
pedestal form, attach the lamp to the top, and you have a floor
standing lamp that looks like you paid thousands of dollars for it,
and is heavy enogh so that kids won't knock it over.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband,
"I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning,
and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started
to insult me. He used really bad language. He even
threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very
concerned.
"Well," she says, "we met by accident. I ran into his
wheelchair with the car."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Jack had the toughest time of his life. First, he got angina
pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as he was
recovering from these, he got tuberculosis, pneumonia
and pythisis. Then he got hypodermics. Appendicitis was
followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia
and hypertrophic cirrhosis. Jack completely lost his
memory for a while. He had diabetes and indigestion, as
well as gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
It was the hardest spelling test he ever took.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 08:08 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The nicest thing about standards is that there are so
many of them to choose from.
--- Ken Olsen
Always do right. This will gratify some people
and astonish the rest.
--- Mark Twain
Teacher: If your father earned $100.00 and gave half to
your mother, what would she have?
Little Johnny: A heart attack!
News Item: An Oregon State University animal rights
activist denounces vegetarianism because mice, moles
and rabbits are often killed in the preparation of farmland
to grow vegetables.
You might want to stop eating until the dogooders sort
this out.
Large
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to James and Wayne Snell, in Cardiff, England
Bank robbery with personalized license plate
A GANG of robbers have been jailed after one used his car
with a personalised plate to set up a job.
Read more: http://snipurl.com/tpn48 [www_thesun_co_uk]
Blundering James Snell was spotted in his BMW with the
registration "J4MES" as he nicked a heavy drain cover.
The cover was used to smash a bank window in a £104,000 raid
- and Snell was tracked down after a witness remembered
seeing the number plate and told cops.
Snell, 27, his brother Wayne, 34, and two other crooks have now
been jailed for a total of 38 years over the robbery in Cardiff.
The city's Crown Court heard the gang struck as security
guards were refilling a Halifax branch cash machine around
midnight.
Two raiders used metal drain covers to shatter the window
while a third threatened the guards with a bat and the fourth
waited in a stolen getaway car.
A council highways official later identified one of the covers.
The witness had seen it being pinched by a man in a sporty blue
BMW with a personal plate.
The car was found at a house where the Snell brothers were
caught red-handed with £30,000.
Prosecutor Daniel Williams said: "It was the distinctiveness of
the car which contributed to the robbers' undoing."
The Snells and Adam Abbot, 38, admitted robbery. Carl Campion, 44,
had denied the charge but was found guilty at a separate trial.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Donna
Re: Font sizes too big
Dear Webby,
I use McAfee Security and when I went to look at it yesterday,
the font size is much larger and I can't navigate to all the
different things I want to look at. This happened to me several
years ago and I can vaguely remember that I had to change
the setting on the computer, but have searched and searched
and cannot find it. This has also affected my Weatherbug...
Can the guru help me?
Donna
Dear Donna
Make sure that your resolution is set to HiColor and the highest
comfortable resolution. Sometimes games change that to 256
colors and a rather coarse resolution. That would cause the
McAfee and WeatherBug panels to display huge and weird.
Try right-clicking on the desktop,
Properties,
Settings
Set the resolution to the highest that you are comopfrtable with.
I have used 1600 x 1200 for about a dozen years, and anything
coarser than that, looks awful to me.
Then click on
Advanced
an in there play with the DPI setting.
Theoretically that should change the font sizes in the McAfee panel.
That should do the trick.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the
Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique
architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the
modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to
his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas
Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Soda Bottles for Spaghetti
Keep your large 2-liter bottles for storing spaghetti.
After you wash the bottles, stuff paper towels inside to help
draw out the water. Making sure the bottle is dry, put in your
spaghetti. This takes time, but the result is worth it to me,
because it will dispense a serving of spaghetti with just a
shake of the wrist. It's easier for me than having to deal
with spaghetti from a bag or plastic container. It seems
to scatter all over the place.
By Tim from Science Hill, KY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Recently on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant
announced,
"As per federal regulations every 500th landing has to be a
manual landing, not on auto-pilot. Our new co-pilot will be
performing his first manual landing for us today, so be sure
to give him a big round of applause when we come to a
stop."
Well, the plane made an extremely bumpy landing,
bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still,
the passengers applauded.
Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom,
"Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot
know which of his three landings you liked best."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two cowboys were scouting near their fort and worrying
that the Indians might be overrunning them. As they
listened to the distant pounding war drums, one cowboy
muttered to the other: "I don't like the sound of them drums."
Just then, an apologetic voice came from behind a bush,
"Our regular drummer slept in."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 379 )
Is Hotmail a recruiter for Gmail ?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 08:58 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 15, 2009
and -28 º
No Gullible Warming here!
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in
bad company."
--- George Washington
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly
clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor
vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift
for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat
to the cash register.
"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.
"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her
rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at
the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"
"Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly,
"Or or you going back?"
Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was
asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the
hallway toward you, what would you do?"
Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!"
The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter
from?"
Tom replied, "The same place you got your train!"
Climate Gate
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and a Darwin Award goes to Devan LeAnn 30, of Shongaloo, Louisiana
Using mattress pad as air mattress
Thirty-year-old Devan LeAnn of Shongaloo, Louisiana, was
visiting Lake Ehrling with a male friend. Recent bouts of heavy
rain had resulted in a flood of runoff water, and they decided
"it would be fun" to take a mattress careening down the surging
water in the spillway.
Unfortunately Leann was riding a foam egg-crate style mattress
pad, rather than a buoyant air mattress. Imagine a wet foam pad.
Are you sinking yet?
According to her friend, Devan LeAnn simply vanished from sight
at dusk. The next morning her body was found in a tangle of trees
70 yards below the spillway.
Parents, warn your children! Wetting the bed can be deadly.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Cindy
Re: Hotmail problems
Dear Webby,
I miss you like a favorite neighbor that just moved away!
Like a divorce in the family!
About a month ago, I got a "backdoor" virus. My computer was
used to send out spam.
I immediately remedied the problem. However, I was left without
my daily Dear Webby fix.
I attempted to resubscribe. But got a notice that I'm already subscribed.
Is there anything you can do - or I can do - to get me off the black-ball
list from wherever I'm being stopped? I REALLY miss you. In the 15
years that I've been receiving laughter and computer help over the internet,
there's never been anyone who comes close to the quality of information
and laughter that you put out. I don't want to spend the rest of my
computer years without you! Please help.
And, if you print this letter: Message to your other readers.
GET OUT THERE AND VOTE FOR DEAR WEBBY -
LET'S PUT HIM OVER 50,000 VOTES THIS YEAR.
After all he's done for you - clicking
on the link to vote is the least you can do!
Thanks for everything, Cindy
Dear Cindy
Your temporary virus problem was most likely just coincidentally
around the time when Hotmail was updated and lost the ability to
deliver newsletters.
I am still sending your newsletter out to you every night.
However, once your subscription has entered the ho'mail servers,
there is nothing more that I can do about it.
The Dear Webby Humor newsletter is sent from a server that has
1) Listed Sender ID,
2) Permanent IP address,
3) Proper SPF record,
4) Matching forward and reverse DNS,
5) Approved privacy policy,
6) Full contact information,
7) Is strictly Double Opt-In,
8) Is not on any blacklist,
9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming,
10) Is family safe
11) Has live, same day response to replies
12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing
13) Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every newsletter
14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises
15) Works fine with all competent mail services
The Dear Webby Humor Letter is "The Good Example" for all other newsletters.
I got all 15 points. There simply is nothing more, that I can do from my side,
to get through to you.
You can try wasting time cussing at the Taliban at ho'mail support,
or you can get a respectable and reliable address. By the way,
you are not the only one suffering from the gross incompetence
at Hotmail. They simply are not competent enough any more to
deliver newsletters.
If you can't use your ISP based email address, try gmail.
Millions of former ho'mail victims have found refuge there,
and Google probably considers Hotmail and MSN as their
top recruiting agency.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would
be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal
partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon,
Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,
"A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought her a
scrambled egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Why can't I have some
variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought
her two eggs - one scrambled and one poached.
"Here, my love... enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You Bozo, you scrambled the wrong
egg!"
That's when Anthony grew up and helped her wear both.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Create a Tree With Your Children
With the economy like it is these days, it may be difficult
to afford the Christmas tree this season. Here is a simple
solution. While kids are so young they will not always
remember the decorative Christmas tree with presents
underneath. Trees are expensive! Instead of a tree that
may shed, cause allergies, or one that you have to pay
$300 for, why don't you make your own?
All you have to do, is find some wall space, get a nice
sized roll of paper, (however big you want the tree to be)
and paint, color or draw a tree! Have the kids participate.
It is a fun project and you also get a chance to bond
with your children. You can use glitter for garland. Put up
baby pictures as ornaments. You get the idea! On the
special day you can even put your gifts underneath.
By Erin from St. Louis, MO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
4 year old Zachary came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell his mom that he had dropped his
toothbrush in the toilet. So she fished it out and threw it in
the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then
ran to moms bathroom and came out with her toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
"We better throw yours out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet last week."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Official sign near door:
Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:
Window frightened.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 599 )
Microsoft Security Essentials
Monday, December 14, 2009, 05:24 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 14, 2009
and -30 º
No Gullible Warming here!
Actually, the temperature is quite a bit below the seasonal
averages for the last 20 years.
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
--- Laurence J. Peter
The more original a discovery,
the more obvious it seems afterwards.
--- Arthur Koestler
Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their
married lives. Although happily married, they admitted
that there were argument sometimes.
Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now
know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always
'Yes, Dear.'"
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and
she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One
day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a
friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited
about the new baby.
"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard
some of his parents' private conversations, he adds,
"And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a
girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy
we're going to call it Quits."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
Canadian Ford
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Tita Nyambi, 25, of Franklin, N.J.
Man dressed up as his mother to steal from her bank account
25-year-old Tita Nyambi, of Franklin, N.J., drove up to the
drive-through window of the bank and handed over his mother's
driving license and a forged bank form.
Bank employees quickly became suspicious that the man dressed
in women's clothing and speaking in a high-pitched voice was not
in fact Mrs. Nyambi, and called the police.
According to authorities, Nyambi was wearing his mother's pink
blouse, black coat and head scarf.
He was still at the bank when police arrived and arrested him.
He was taken to jail, and faces charges of forgery and attempted
theft by deception.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ron P
Re: Microsoft Security Essentials
Dear Webby,
I just have a question about Microsoft Security Essentials.
What is your opinion. I am using Avast but if that is better
I may try it. Avast seems to slow things down a bit.
Thanks as always.
RON P
Dear Ron
I often compare security programs with motorcycle helmets.
We all know some people, for whom a used Kentucky Fried
Chicken bucket would be a waste of good cardboard,
and others, for whom a $599 Bell helmet would be well worth it.
What is your data worth, to YOU?
My data is well worth $30 a year for McAfee.
And it is a and tax deductible business expense.
Avast used to be better than MSE, but lately they have had
some problems and have been causing some unhappiness.
Right now I could not recommend neither Avast nor
Microsoft Security Essentials
Have FUN!
DearWebby
While John and Jill were shopping at a mall, a
shapely young woman in a short form-fitting dress
strolled by...
Johns eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item Jill was examining,
Jill asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in now?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Vinegar as a Natural Odor Eliminator
I buy a plain spray bottle and fill it up with Apple Cider
Vinegar and when a nasty odor permeates the house,
I use this. Put it on mist and smell how the odor disappears.
You may smell vinegar at first, but then a freshness will
override the vinegar. It's cheaper and healthier than the
store-bought sprays!
By Delta from Jackson, Miss
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe
its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you
have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 589 )
Sunday, December 13, 2009, 10:43 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 13, 2009
What happened?
The votes dropped below 100 !
Too busy with Christmas shopping?
" The real problem is not whether
machines think but whether men do."
--- B. F. Skinner
"I make money using my brains and lose money
listening to my heart. But in the long run my books
balance pretty well."
--- Kate Seredy
The first time I heard the following joke, it was told to me
about 20 years ago by Danny, a part time carpet layer.
Knowing what he smoked some of the time,
I actually believed him.
According to his story, Danny had just finished installing
carpet for a lady. He stepped out into the hallway for a
smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He
rummaged in his toolbox and found a butt.
While he smoked that he surveyed the just finished room
and spotted a bump in the carpet in the middle of the
room.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of
smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get
out his big rubber hammer and flattened the hump. As he
was cleaning up, the lady came in.
"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes.
"I found them in the stairway. Now, if only I could find my
gerbil."
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure
anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with
what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the
town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. "Hey, doc, I have lost my
sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin'
to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself
a little, then tells Mr. Smith,
"What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out,
"This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the
doctor. That will be $100.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor
along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts,
"I can't remember!"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself
a little and tells Mr. Smith:
"What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled
the office.
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Mindy Jones, 28 of Shawnee, Oklahoma
Hit and run, DUI, plus stealing an ambulance
Oklahoma City - The Oklahoma Highway Patrol says a woman
looking for her ex-boyfriend stole an ambulance and led troopers
on a 50-mile chase from Shawnee to Del City.
Troopers say 28-year-old Mindy Jones was at the hospital for
a blood test after she was arrested for driving under the influence
and hit-and-run. Officers say she ran from the hospital and
drove away in the ambulance about 2:30 a.m. Friday.
She was spotted on Interstate 40 and troopers followed her
to a home in Del City where she stopped in the yard and was
arrested again. While in handcuffs Jones told television station
KOCO she "had the ambulance and had a pretty good time
driving" it.
Jones was taken to the Oklahoma County jail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Malcolm
Re: Links versus attachments
Dear Webby,
What is the reason everybody, including the phone company,
sends links to their invoices and forms, instead of attaching
them to emails? It's no big deal to click on the links, but I am
curious why these days the only ones sending attachments,
(-except friends sending "motivational" pictures-),
are the virus spreaders.
Malcolm
Dear Malcolm
Can you blame your phone company for not wanting their bills
and announcements to get trashed, unseen, because most
security programs today consider attachments to bulk mail
as highly suspicious?
Sending bills and announcements as an attachment has gone
out of fashion late in the last century. As you probably know,
our e-bills, for example, have been sent out as links to a secure
page since 1994.
Aside from the obvious security issues, having invoices or
fancy announcements on a web page, guarantees that they
print out predictably exactly as designed, no matter what
kind of equipment the recipient has.
A short mail with a link is also a lot easier on people with
slow connections or nearly full mail boxes. Quite often a
mail with an attachment will bounce, because the recipient
mailbox is too full for that, but a short email with a link will
easily fit in.
If you are at all concerned about having a high percentage
of your recipients actually getting your newsletters or invoices,
use links and not attachments.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a
92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They
decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En
route, with siren going, they questioned the man to
determine his level of awareness.
Leaning close, one paramedic asked,
"Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the
ambulance window. He slowly turned back to the
paramedic and said, "Oh, I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Ice Cream Bucket as Salt Spreader
Here's an idea for a cheap salt bucket. If, like me,
you occasionally purchase one of those large tubs
of ice cream, the one gallon plus one quart size
with a handle and a lid, save at least one tub to
fill with salt for winter ice. It's the perfect size to
carry out to the front or back walk. Since it has
a lid, you can store it in the house without fear
of kids or pets getting into or spilling it.
By Marie from West Dundee, IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the
kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty
feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo
was again roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty
feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked
the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless
somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two men were talking one day.
"My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from
the garden market," said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the produce
clerk, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been
sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'
"The produce clerk told me 'No, you'll have to do that
yourself.' "
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 375 )
Does UNsubscribe / REsubscribe help?
Saturday, December 12, 2009, 08:25 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 12, 2009
"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why
the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."
---Evan Esar
"Economists state their GNP growth projections to the
nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have
a sense of humor."
--- Edgar R. Fiedler
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked,
"Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
"Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her....!"
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for
coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured
by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith,
you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his
hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to
pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a
spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my
brother-in-law."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Laura Miranda Landry, 19, of Summerside P.E.I.
Illegal bra padding
It was not a typical drug bust for RCMP patrolling P.E.I.'s
Confederation Bridge.
Officers arrested 19-year-old Laura Miranda Landry for possession of
marijuana after they found 49.5 grams of pot under the front seat of her
car and in her bra.
Landry of Charlottetown, pleaded guilty to the drug charge Wednesday
in provincial court in Summerside, the Summerside Journal Pioneer
reported.
0Landry was in a car crossing Confederation Bridge on Sept. 28
when the car was stopped by police. An officer smelled marijuana
and asked whether there was any in the car.
Landry and two other women in the vehicle admitted there was
some under the front passenger seat, and Landry said it was
hers, the court heard.
Landry was arrested. On the way to the police station, the officer
could still smell marijuana. She asked about the source of the
smell, and Landry pulled another bag of drugs from her bra.
Landry was ordered to pay $500, plus a $75 victim surcharge.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Unsubscribe / Resubscribe
Dear Webby,
I get your newsletters fine on my other account, but not on my Yahoo
address. Now I have been told to unsubscribe and re-subscribe, and
that would fix the problem.
Dianne
Dear Dianne
That only applies to the yahoos, who are subscribed to Yahoo
Groups and Yahoo Lists.
With independent newsletters, that are not handicapped by the
Chinese Firedrill Team at Yahoo, that would be as illogical as
taking your son's address off your postal addresses list,
and then quickly adding it again the day before you send
any postal mail to him.
Unless you are sending from Yahoo, the problem is not on the
sending side, but on the receivingä side.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A Navy Admiral ('which Navy' will go unspecified) was
being court-martialed for an incident where he was found
to be chased by a young lady through the hallways of the
hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. The charge was
that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out
of uniform, as the regulations read:
"A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired
for the activity in which he is engaged."
The charges were dismissed.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Lint Catcher
Wash the lint catcher in your dryer in hot water with an old tooth
brush every 4 to 6 months. You will be surprised how much of a
build up you get from it. Also, it can lower your power bill and extend
the life of your dryer. It also will help prevent fires.
By Sandy from Nova Scotia, Canada
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man moved into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top
part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his
grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his
grandmother.
It says,
"Thank you for the picture. You sure got the traditional
Hinkley nose. But you should do something about that
punk hairstyle."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Ed worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling
sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are
sometimes required to make store-wide announcements,
e.g.,
"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at
the paint counter."
One night a timid female voice came over the intercom
system with the following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys and need
assistance."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 1062 )
How to add fonts to Incredimail?
Friday, December 11, 2009, 08:04 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 11, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support of the troops!
"You can't depend on the man who made the mess
to clean it up."
--- Richard Nixon, 1952
"If stupidity got us into this mess,
then why can't it get us out?"
- Will Rogers
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old
dance called the Politician.
"All you have to do" she told her class, is this:
two steps forward,
three steps back,
then side-step, side-step,
turn around"
A kindergarten teacher is walking around her classroom
observing her students while they draw. One little girl is
working especially diligently, so the teacher asks what
she is working on.
"I'm drawing God," the child says.
The teacher pauses, then says, "But no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replies, "They will in a minute."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
Baby penguins
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Wilson Rodriguez, 40, of Tampa;
Edilberto Escobar Serrano, 25, of Weeki Wachee; Javier Verde,
35, of Miami; Jarol Zamora-Herrera, 34, unknown; and
Batista Pena Yunet, 25, of Weeki Wachee, Florida
Pot farmers arrested after they report home invasion
WEEKI WACHEE — Someone stormed into a home here Tuesday morning,
the residents of the house told authorities, seemingly intent
on stealing from them.
One of the people in the house managed to get away and run
for help to a neighbor, who happens to be a Hernando County
sheriff's deputy. The deputy responded, calling the department
to report the home invasion.
When deputies arrived, the people inside the house told them
they had been robbed — of between 3 and 5 pounds of pot,
according to an arrest report.
During the investigation, authorities said they found 59 marijuana
plants growing inside the residence at 11480 Manassas Ave.
They also found cultivated marijuana, irrigation equipment,
ventilation equipment and other items associated with
growing pot.
At least three of the five suspects said they knew about the
marijuana plants, while one said she didn't know the plants
were marijuana. Deputies took all five of them into custody.
Arrested were Wilson Rodriguez, 40, of Tampa;
Edilberto Escobar Serrano, 25, of Weeki Wachee; Javier Verde,
35, of Miami; Jarol Zamora-Herrera, 34, unknown; and
Batista Pena Yunet, 25, of Weeki Wachee.
All five suspects were charged with felony cultivation of
marijuana.
They were taken to the Hernando County Jail and held in
lieu of $5,000 bail.
Sgt. Donna Black, a spokeswoman with the Sheriff's Office,
said the investigation was ongoing and that more charges
in the case are expected.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: How to add fonts
Dear Webby,
I saw a font I liked - Edwardian Script ITC. When I go into
my font page it is there but when I am doing an email and
scroll through it does not show it. It has Arial, Times
Roman and many more but not the one I want.
How do I get it? I looked in your Tool section
and saw a couple of things on fonts but now how
to get them. Thanks for any help. Love your
web site and all the help you give.
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
I can see from the header, that you are using Incredimail.
They are doing some weird stuff, that is not quite standard.
If you used a strictly standard email program like Eudora,
then all fonts, that are in your fonts folder, would be
automatically available.
With Incredimail you may have to register individual fonts,
that are not included in their default setup.
It used to be that Incredimail users had to find a file
called fonts.txt in their Incredimail stuff, and manually
add the names of the fonts to that text file. As far as I
remember ancient history, it was in
C:/Program Files/IncrediMail/Data or thereabouts.
They may have changed that a bit since then. If you
don't find a fonts.txt in there, check their help on how
you add fonts to your version of Incredimail nowadays.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of
gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes,
the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for
your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the
Pope does."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Decorate With Pine Cones
The least expensive Christmas tree decoration I know is to
use lawn harvested pine cones. Pick up any size or kind from
the ground (ask permission but most are happy to get rid of
them!), take them inside and let them warm up and open up.
I put mine in a plastic bag so any critters are contained. I then
roll the opened cones in a little glue and roll the cones in glitter.
I put the glitter in a box lid so I can reuse the glitter for another
project. Set aside to dry, then add a loop of thread around the
top to hang it from the tree. Another decoration idea is to
spray paint cones or roll the cones in sequins, seed beads,
or anything small, safe and decorative.
By Karen from LaPorte, IN
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman: before marriage
and after marriage.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two not too very bright city guys decided to go into the
dairy business. They drove up to a dairy farm and
asked the owner if he had any cows for sale.
The owner had been trying to get rid of an old, non
performing bull for a while and told them he would let his
best producing cow go for a mere one thousand dollars.
The 2 guys said wonderful and loaded up the bull and left.
They got back to their place and tried to milk their "cow"
bull but didn't get any milk. So one of the guys ran back
to the farmer to find out how to get the milk flowing. The
farmer told them they had to make the cow drink plenty of
water and then pump the tail up and down.
Satisfied the city slicker went back and he and his
partner pushed the bull down to the stream.
Well, the bull wasn't very thirsty and didn't drink so one
guy held the bulls head in the water and the other guy
pumped vigorously with the tail. About that time the bull
decided to take advantage of the raised tail and to dump
some solids. The guy pumping yelled to his friend
"Raise his head! The cow is sucking mud!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 1081 )
How to get rid of AntiVir?
Thursday, December 10, 2009, 06:57 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 10, 2009
"You don't get ulcers from what you eat.
You get them from what's eating you."
-- Vicki Baum (1888-1960)
Lack of money is no obstacle.
Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
-- Ken Hakuta
Church was planning a chili supper for the homeless,
and Florence agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather
mild variation. The man in charge of organizing the program
asked Florence how she would describe her chili
-- three alarm or four alarm. After hearing some of the
ingredients that went into other chili donations, Florence
replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked
his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior
intellect?"
"What I love most about you," responded the man's
wife, "is your incredible sense of humor."
Thanks to Arturas from Zverte.com for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Mary K. Davis, 58, and Michael J. Davis, 20, of Covington, Virginia
Police: Pair tried to hire hit man
Police say a Covington man was an accomplice in his mother's
plot to kill his father.
A 20-year-old Covington man has been charged with trying to
help his mother hire a hit man -- to kill his father.
Michael J. Davis was arrested Thursday. His mother,
Mary K. Davis, 58, was arrested Monday after she allegedly
gave an undercover officer a $500 down payment to kill her
husband. Davis thought she was paying a hit man,
Alleghany County Commonwealth's Attorney Ed Stein said.
Now, mother and son are both being held at the Alleghany
Regional Jail.
Michael Davis faces two charges: conspiracy to commit
attempted capital murder and conspiracy to solicit murder.
If convicted of both charges, he faces a maximum of 40
years in prison.
Authorities charged Mary Davis with soliciting murder and
attempted capital murder. If convicted of soliciting, she faces
up to 40 years in prison. If convicted of attempted capital
murder, she faces a life sentence.
Authorities said Mary Davis met with an undercover state police
officer she assumed was a hit man in the parking lot of the
Covington Walmart on Monday. They said she gave him
$500 and promised him thousands more after he killed her
husband. She was immediately arrested by Covington police.
And she did not get her money back.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jen
Re: How to remove AntiVir
Dear Webby:
How do I remove Antivir from my computer? It is driving me
insane with its' pop-ups.
Any help is appreciated.
I love your newsletter.
Sincerely,
Jen
Dear Jen
The info on how to remove AntiVir is at
http://www.pchell.com/virus/uninstallantivir.shtml
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable
beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister
drive by and take a good long look at their pickup
trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the
reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it
make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one
who counts."
The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Easy Angel Wings
If you are handcrafting small angels for ornaments, here is
a very easy way to make already wired, angel wings. Simply
buy a large, wide roll of glittered or un-glittered WIRED ribbon.
Cut a piece of the ribbon off the roll. Cut through the middle
of the ribbon in a scalloped way. All of a sudden you have two
angel wings that can be shaped in anyway you wish, because
of the wire. Just put the wire side up, cut to fit and hot
glue it to your angel. Instant angel wings.
By Yvette from Dallas, TX
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One evening a few years ago my
friend Bill ran out of gas on his way home from work.
Being short on cash, as usual, he walked 6 Miles
to get home, and left his pick-up truck where it sat, in
front of the topless bar next door to the massage parlor.
By then his wife had gone to Bingo and he couldn't get
neither money for gas, nor a ride back to the truck, so
he cooked supper, cleaned up the kitchen and then
went to bed.
At the next church elder meeting, Miss Myrna, the
town gossip ranted on about his immoral conduct and
about how she had PROOF, because she saw where
he had parked ALL night !
Well, Bill told his co-workers about that, and one of
them was a regular at that topless bar. That guy told
the story there. From then on, whenever he or his friends
planned to later take a cab home rather than drive drunk,
they all parked their vehicles in front of Miss Myrna's
lonely house, - and walked half a mile to the bar.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Why did the Newfie businessman go fishing instead of
attending a meeting?
"Just for the halibut."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 445 )
MS Powerpoint gone bad and can't find a download
Wednesday, December 9, 2009, 07:50 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 9, 2009
You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
--- Jack London
The trouble with America is that there are far too many
wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.
--- Charles Luckman
The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand
as playing a poor hand well.
--- H.T. Leslie
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
--- David Dunham
At the candy store Judi had about 20 bags of candy.
A smart-alek behind her in line told her:
"You should push the air out of them. The candies
might cost less if they don't have the weight of the air in
them."
So for a few minutes she let the air out of the bags.
After she did that he told her it didn't really matter. It
would have weighed the same.
Judi was more confused than ever and said,
"If having air in the bag doesn't weigh any more, then
why does it make the bags look so fat?"
It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and
the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of
hysterical astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its
whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of
surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling
on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad
daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.
"Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Brenda Sue Rawls, 50 in Sumner County, Tennessee
Nutty Teacher charged with vandalism
An elementary school teacher was charged Monday, Nov. 30 with
vandalizing Portland East Middle School.
Brenda Sue Rawls, 50, is accused of using sardine juice,
condoms and lubricant to vandalize a mini-fridge, a teacher’s
desk and three lockers, according to the affidavit filed in
Sumner County General Sessions Court. The incident is
alleged to have occurred on Aug. 16.
According to Sumner County Sheriff Bob Barker, the vandalism
was allegedly committed in retaliation against a teacher that made
comments about Rawls.
Rawls is charged with vandalism under $500, contributing to the
delinquency of a minor and criminal trespassing.
Authorities say a seventh grader assisted with the vandalism.
After the incident, Rawls and the student allegedly discussed
what they had done and returned to the school with air fresheners
in an attempt to clean up the lockers, according to the affidavit.
Rawls allegedly admitted to purchasing the sardines, condoms,
lubricants and air freshener used in the incident as well as using
her key to allow the student into the building, but denies involvement
of the vandalism, according to the affidavit.
The total damage, including three damaged textbooks, is
estimated at $250.
Rawls, who had been a teacher a Portland East, was transferred to
Watt Hardison Elementary on July 31.
Her bond was set at $1,000. She is scheduled to appear in Sumner
County General Sessions Court on Dec. 16.
The papers didn't mention whether Brenda Sue had always been
a bit nutty, or whether the transfer away from Portland East
put her over the edge.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carol
Re: MS Powerpoint gone bad and can't find a download
Dear Webby:
Thank you for all your sharing your knowledge of computers.
I had PowerPoint Viewer on my computer, but it has ceased to work.
I have tried to download it several times, but it still won't allow me to
see the .pps files. I went to your toolbox and clicked on PowerPoint
Viewer, and was told the page no longer exists. Can you tell me
how to be able to see all the .pps files?
Thank you,
Carol
Dear Carol
Yes, it looks like Microsoft moved the download file away from
where their download page expects it to be. That can happen
to anybody.
I was able to find a copy of it and changed the link in the tool
box directly to the download.
If PowerPoint continues to give you a hassle, just get Open Office.
It has a PowerPoint viewer that works.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the
Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my
house burned down, and everything I owned was
destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm
here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you
start a flood?" he asked.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Install a Programmable Thermostat
Last year we replaced our old thermostat with a new programmable
one. Since we're here, and awake at different times, we've not
set it for basic times to run, so we just hit the buttons when we
walk by. It's quicker to shut on and off than our old thermostat.
We've already saved a lot of money by switching out our old
one for the newer version, actually it's already more than paid
for itself. We can't believe the difference in our power bill than
this time last year! If we'd have known the difference it would
make, we'd have done this much sooner!
By Terri from NV
You don't have to be on the electrical grid to use programmable
thermostats. In my solar house in the Yukon I installed a
Hunter Programmable Thermostat in the late 70's, that was
powered by 2 AA batteries and the power produced by a
thermocouple pointed at the furnace pilot light. It was still
working fine when I left the Yukon in 2000.
If a hippie can use one in the arctic bush, you definitely can
profit from one where you are!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Sign over a restroom in a local restaureant:
"Used beer department."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same
time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to
heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where
he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers
that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in
New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a
luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him
welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same
questions. He replies that his name is Thomas
O'Malley, and that he was a priest in Chicago. St. Peter
looks in his book, then gives him a used t-shirt and a
wooden stick, and bids him to enter into heaven for his
eternal reward.
Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi
driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a
priest and a man of God, got a lousy t-shirt that
won't even cover my butt, and a wooden stick?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based
onresults, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept,
but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 585 )
Are MSN's problems permanent?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009, 09:01 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box
when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
--- Terry Pratchett
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading,
I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started anotherround of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He
cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed,
"Well, yes, but never with a carnation."
A mother took her three year old daughter to church for
the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the
choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was
quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice
"Happy Birthday to you..."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to George Floyd, 17,of Chicago
Teen Charged With Carjacking Off-Duty Cop
A teen ordered held on $250,000 bond Monday for allegedly
carjacking and punching an off-duty Chicago Police officer
Sunday night in the South Chicago neighborhood on the
Southeast Side. He reportedly told police he did it because
he was cold.
George Floyd, 17, of the 8200 block of South Marquette Avenue,
is charged with vehicular hijacking, aggravated battery to a peace
officer and aggravated fleeing, according to police.
All the charges are felonies.
Floyd was also ticketed for driving without a license and failure
to stop at two stop signs, according to police.
He appeared in bond court Monday and was ordered held on
$250,000 bond, according to Cook County State's Attorney's
office spokesman Andy Conklin. Floyd will appear for a
preliminary hearing Dec. 14 in Far South Felony Court (Br. 38).
At 9:20 p.m. Sunday, the off-duty officer was behind the
wheel of a silver 2002 Chevrolet van when Floyd allegedly
demanded her keys at 1505 E. 86th St., according to police.
There were no passengers in the van.
During the carjacking, Floyd allegedly struck the officer in the
face and body with his fist, according to police.
He allegedly took off in the van, leading police on a chase that
ended when he crashed into a parked car at 8808 S. Houston Ave.,
where he was arrested at 9:35 p.m., according to police.
"He was going in and out of traffic, losing officers and went
eastbound to Houston and then northbound -- avoiding a police
car that was cutting him off,'' one officer said of the chase.
Floyd allegedly told police, "I was walking home and I was very
cold. I didn't want to walk home,'' the officer said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: John
Re: Are MSN's problems permanent?
Dear Webby:
I use to receive your newsletter until about 4 months ago. Your
site says I am still a subscriber but get nothing. ????
Thank You,
John ....@msn.com
Dear John
I can't do more than sending it out.
Once your subscripton has entered the MSN servers,
there is nothing more that I can do about it.
Arguing with the Taliban at MSN Support is a waste of time.
Why don't you try it with your Verizon address?
The Dear Webby Humor newsletter is sent from a server that has
1) Listed Sender ID,
2) Permanent IP address,
3) Proper SPF record,
4) Matching forward and reverse DNS,
5) Approved privacy policy,
6) full contact information,
7) strictly Double Opt-In,
8) not on any blacklist,
9) uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming,
10) and is family safe.
The Dear Webby Humor Letter is "The Good Example" for all other newsletters.
I got all 10 points.
There is nothing more, that I can do, to get through.
So try your Verizon address! If they are not competent enough
to deliver a newsletter that fulfills all 10 criteria, imagine
how much other stuff they lose!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
During a rather heated argument a teenager said,
"I didn't ask to be born."
His father: replied,
"Good thing you didn't 'Cause the answer would have
been 'NO!!!'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Halve a Turkey for Later
Have the butcher cut your turkey in half (lengthwise) and
when you get it home wrap each half in freezer paper and
you will have the beginnings of two meals in case the weather
gets bad and you can't get out to shop. Mix up your favorite
stuffing, pop it in the oven and enjoy two feasts. Happy eating!
By Sewing Mamma from Pittsburgh PA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6
year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest
of the week.
"Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes
care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the
poor...and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in
public isn't an easy job, you know."
The boy thought about that, then said,
"Well, listening ain't that easy, either."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Barry who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning
at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an
irate voice.
Barry thanked the caller and politely asked his name, while
he scribbled down his number from the caller ID display
before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, Barry called back his
neighbor.
"Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 1035 )
Monday, December 7, 2009, 08:41 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, December 7, 2009
Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think
of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
--- Mark Twain
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then
to give a thought for the other fellow.
He could be plotting something.
--- Hagar the Horrible
A Doctor was explaining to a friend how nature sometimes
compensates for a persons deficiencies.
"For example," he told him, "If a man is deaf, he may
have keener sight, and if a man is blind, he may have a
keen sense of smell."
"I think I see what you mean," said Paddy,
"I've often noticed that if a man has one short leg,
then the other one is always longer."
A young mother was visiting a doctor friend and made no
attempt to restrain her four-year-old son, who was
ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra
loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope
you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"Nah," said the doctor calmly, "That's just poisons in
there. They take some time but are quite effective.
He'll be quiet soon."
Thanks to Deryck for this picture:
Atlin Lake
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Martin Bartels, 53,
Band Teacher's Bad Notes
DECEMBER 4--
A veteran Minnesota middle school teacher left sexually
suggestive notes in the lockers of two female students and was
typing a third lewd letter when school officials confronted him in
his classroom, according to police. Martin Bartels, 53, was
named Wednesday in a misdemeanor complaint charging
him with disorderly conduct in connection with letters found
last month by two seventh grade students at Buffalo Community
Middle School. According to the District Court criminal complaint,
Bartels, a band teacher who has taught for 28 years, wrote in
one letter that he wanted to "trace your thighs with my fingertips
and make you squirm," adding that he gets "hot and hard just
thinking about it."
In a note to a second girl, Bartels wrote, "I really, really, really
love your legs...I like how you show just enough to make me hard."
After the students reported discovering the notes, school
administrators reviewed surveillance video and spotted Bartels
leaving items in the lockers. Before confronting Bartels, the
school's principal walked past his classroom and saw him
typing on a school computer. Aided by the school's IT director,
the principal was able to remotely access Bartels's computer,
which yielded a third letter that was intended for one of the
girls he had anonymously already written. That missive
commented on the girl's short skirt, her curves, and how
"I will have very nice dreams!"
Bartels is on paid administrative leave,
according to a school district spokesperson.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alex
Re: What is SPF ?
Dear Webby:
I see at the top of the Dear Webby Humor Letter, that you
have a "proper SPF record". What is that all about?
Would that help me get my own newsletter to a higher
percentage of subscribers?
Thanks
Alex
Dear Alex
SPF stands for "Sender Policy Framework". It goes further than
the "Listed Sender ID" and is a protocol for identifying and matching
the IP numbers. If somebody forged the address of the president,
president@whitehose.gov as the sender address, the Listed
Sender ID would look OK, even if they sent it from MSN or
hotmail.
SPF looks at the sending IP number, which is attached AFTER the
email leaves the machine of the sender, and checks with the
name server to see if that IP number is authorized to send mail
claiming to be from whitehose.gov. If it isn't, then the mail is
flagged as a forgery.
The same applies if somebody forges YOUR address as the
sender address, but sends it from an infeted machine somewhere.
SPF is a relatively young technology, it exists only since 2003,
and not all server side spam control programs use it yet, but
it does increase the percentage of mail getting through.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Jon, Brian, and Bernie were in the pub enjoying a few
quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on
the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each,
seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they
each won a prize. Jon won the first prize: a whole
year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of
extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Bernie won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Bernie asked
the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush,
Bernie?"
"Not so good," Bernie confided. "I'm going to have to
go back to paper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Fluffing Indentations in Carpet
If you find indentations in your carpet after moving a piece
of furniture, get a clean dish cloth or face cloth and put it in
hot water and then wring it out. Place the cloth in the
microwave and get it as hot as you want, about 3 minutes.
Take the cloth very carefully and put in a coffee cup.
Place the cup over the indentation and let it sit for a few
minutes. The steam will puff up the fiber in the carpet
and the indentation will be gone.
By Mary C. from Newark, California
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was
a boy, and he used to tell me, when he was a little
boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he
could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and
shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside
behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in
each hand, extend his arms straigt out to his sides
and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50
pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he
could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and
hold his arms straight out for more than a full
minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a
ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man
and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied,
"You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 667 )
Sunday, December 6, 2009, 08:25 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, December 6, 2009
"The best time to plant a tree . . . was twenty years ago.
The second best time, is today."
--- Socratex
"Committees have become so important nowadays that
subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work."
--- Laurence J. Peter
"You'll find no park or city
with a monument to a committee."
--- Victoria Pasternak
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can
do him absolutely no good."
--- Samuel Johnson
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district
court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match
for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after,
while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex
to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine
conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn
into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was
equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by
the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device
to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington
office to learn the results of their tests. "We're
not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him,
"but we discovered that when you press it, it plays
'Jingle Bells.'"
On their 40th wedding anniversary, during the banquet,
the husband was asked to give his friends a brief
account of the benefits of a marriage of such long
duration.
One in the crowd said, "Tell us, just what is it you
have learned from all those wonderful years with your
wife?"
The husband said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is
the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness . .
. and a lot of other disciplines that I wouldn't
have needed if I had stayed single."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Miguel Bribiescas, 25, in Elgin, Illinois
Spy camera in women's washroom
An Elgin man who hid a spy camera in women's bathroom at his
workplace, but mostly recorded himself trying to figure out the
device, is facing up to three years in prison after pleading guilty
Wednesday to a felony charge.
Miguel Bribiescas, 25, of the 1100 block of Hiawatha Drive,
admitted to a charge of unauthorized video recording stemming
from the July 31 discovery of the pen-size camera in a
washroom at Ridgefield Industries, near Crystal Lake.
The camera recorded one female co-worker using the
washroom before it was discovered by an employee and
turned over to police, authorities said. When police began
viewing what else was on the camera, the first thing they
saw was video of Bribiescas looking into the lens and
learning how to operate the device.
The charge to which he admitted guilt is a Class 4 felony,
punishable by one to three years in prison or probation.
Bribiescas' attorney, Mary Baccam, said she believes
probation would be fair given her client's lack of criminal
history.
"He understands that this was inappropriate and he is
taking responsibility for his actions," Baccam said.
Bribiescas will remain free on a $1,000 bond until his
sentencing Jan. 20.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: Catch-All email program
Dear Webby:
Alohaa....What fun....but now I'm back - resubscribed and
ready to Rock and Roll. On Monday I am changing carriers,
email addresses and I don't know what all. My question is
is there a way to make sure I don't loose any emails that
might go to the old email address after I have let most of
my contacts (might forget some) know of the changes..
I don't have a back i ssue to of "Webby" to check your
tool box....seems I read about a "grab it" program some
time ago that redirected everything. Thanks as always..Ann
Dear Ann
The easiest way to do that is to use a gmail address,
and auto-forward that to the carrier based email address
of the day or month.
Whenever you change carriers, you simply update the forward
setting in gmail. All your contacts continue writing to your
same old gmail address.
By the way, all the old Humor letters of the last 5 years or
so are in the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Have FUN!
DearWebby
After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson
mustered the troops.
"People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're
going to be having a fire sale."
"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell
insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied
rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets
fired."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Watch For Seasonal Clearances For Gifts
With a family of 5 kids, there is always a birthday or a
holiday around the corner. What we do is always pay
attention to the seasons. Seasonally, the store put items
such as toys and those kinds of items on sale. We always
scope these items out. We have bought $20-30 toys for
almost nothing. I am not just talking about toys that were
hot last season. This is the time of year when most stores
markdown new toys that just came out for the new holiday
season. These stores mark them down because they
think that they are not going to sell. Then the toys come
off clearance when they start to sell again, you have already
bought them.
By Jessica from Coventry, RI
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly
led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said.
"I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better
than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use
domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
We stopped for a quick meal and the waiter brought us
each a bowl of soup.
As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen, Pa
stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes ,sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, Sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest
ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right,
Sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 857 )
What is the best word processor?
Saturday, December 5, 2009, 08:12 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, December 5, 2009
When I was a kid, living in the mountains of Austria, this was the
day when St Nicolas came by, accompanied by a scary devil.
It struck me as a bit incongruous that they showed up in a beat
up old Volkswagen Beetle, but the roar of the big huge devil
quickly had me quaking in my socks, and when one smite of
St Nicolas's bishop's staff made the devil cringe and whimper,
I was duly impressed!
However, when St Nicholas started reading the long list of
my sins, the devil cheered up and eagerly rattled his chains.
He did hit and cuff me around a bit, but kindly St Nicholas
stopped him, before things got out of hand.
After a solemn promise to improve my behavior, they made me
stand outside the front door, while they did their number on
my sister.
She was still sniffling when dad called me inside again.
This time St Nicolas was really beaming and he mentioned
a few token good things I had done. Then he pulled a nicely
decorated pillow case from under his robe and started
dispensing glazed gingerbread, cookies, pear-bread, a chocolate
and an orange. For a mountain kid in post-war Austria, that
was eye popping STUFF!
I barely noticed when Dad escorted them out and handed them
the bottle of the medicinal Schnaps from the pantry. St Nicolas
and the devil took a good swig from the bottle and an envelope
dad gave them, and roared away in their old Volkswage Beetle.
At the time it all made sense, and was truly impressive.
As the fear of the devil waned, it was replaced with the threat
of being sent to Jagdberg, a juvenile jail / reform school, in
a scary looking old castle with skyhigh walls.
Then in University, a professor asked for a volunteer to be
Santa at Jagdberg, staring straight at me.
Duh, yeah, OK, if nobody else ....
They couldn't find a devil, so I had to go alone.
They gave me the suit and wig and beard, and the directions.
That was the year when Santa showed up on a motorcycle.
The staff there noticed my nervousness, so they gave me some
medicinal Schnaps first, and a few basic instructions.
After the first class they gave me more Schnaps and a few
hints with the stack of papers, one per inmate for the next class.
Then I got into the swing of things, roared like the devil of my
childhood when reading a student's misbehaviors, and smiled
like a proud grandpa, when praising them for their
accomplishments.
Around midnight I had finished with all the inmates, and kinda
faked it with the staff. (I didn't have any good/bad lists for the
staff and had to make them up.)
Then they gave me a sandwich and a big mug of coffee for my
parched throat and ushered me out.
Still in the Santa Suit I hopped on my bike and roared homewards,
well, to my girlfriend's place anyway, and just as the sky turned
light in the East, I did make it home. I briefly paused at the entrance,
where I had seen my first Santa. Life had come full circle.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is
inconsolable."
--- Sydney J. Harris
One day, Jean-Claude decided to take a trip from
Montreal (where he lived) to that great city of
Boston.. He went to the airport to buy a ticket and
found out the cost was $200 one-way.
Well Jean-Claude only had $110 on him. But he saw a
sign saying half-fare for persons under 18. Well, now
Jean-Claude had just turned 18 three months ago so he
lied..a bit. And got a ticket for $100.
Well during the flight, he talking with the passenger
seated next to him. And, in the course of their little
chat, he boisterously mentioned the 18th birthday party
his friends had for him. Since Jean-Claude talked
fairly loudly, a stewardess happened to over-hear
that part of the conversation and remembered from the
passenger list that Jean-Claude had only paid
half-fare. A few minutes later, the stewardess asked
Jean-Claude if he had $50 with him.
Jean-Claude, slightly embarrassed, replied, "I only
have $10, enough for a bus and a coffee after we arrive
in Boston.. Why you ask?"
Stewardess:"I wanted to know if you wanted to buy this
used parachute."
Jean-Claude, "What for?"
Stewardess, "You only paid half-fare and you're over
18. We are half-way on our flight and you have to leave
now."
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally
it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The
woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened?
Did we catch up with the cow again..?"
-------
Yeah, I remember that train. It had little porches at
each end of the wagons and signs posted: "Picking
flowers while the train is in motion is not
permitted." Seems the locomotive engineer got
annoyed when the flower pickers passed the train.
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture by his nephew Greg
Twin Lakes Colorado
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Marilyn Cole, 35, and Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon, Michigan
Thief arrested for headbutting, urinating on Wal-Mart
security guard
MUSKEGON COUNTY — Marilyn Cole, of Muskegon, faces trial on
charges of stealing goods from a local Wal-Mart store, then
head-butting and urinating on a security guard.
Cole, 35, waived her probable-cause hearing on charges of
unlawful imprisonment, unarmed robbery and interfering with
a crime report. The hearing had been scheduled for Tuesday.
Her accomplice, Rashieka Stewart, 23, of Muskegon earlier
waived her probable-cause hearing and faces trial on one
count of unarmed robbery.
According to Roosevelt Park Police Chief Bill Regan, the women
tried to steal merchandise, including make-up and curtains, from
the Henry Street Wal-Mart on Halloween night.
Regan said the women broke away from a security guard who tried
to detain them at the front door. The security guard ran after them
and tried to block Cole from getting into the passenger’s seat of the
car in which she and Stewart were preparing to flee.
Regan said Cole “head-butted” the security guard, who fell
backwards into the vehicle. The chief said Cole then sat on the
man. He grabbed his phone and called 911, but Cole allegedly
fought for the phone and then urinated on him.
Stewart drove away with the security guard still in the vehicle
and Cole holding him down, according to the chief.
The incident ended when the women stopped in the parking
lot of Acme Bedding Co., 660 W. Broadway, where authorities,
still on the phone with the security guard, arrested Stewart and Cole.
Marylin Cole
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erin
Re: Best Word Processor
Dear Webby:
What IS the best word processor out there?
Erin
Thanks again.
Rosalie
Dear Erin
If somebody has been using WordPerfect for twenty years,
then Corel Office Word Perfect is the best word processor
for them. If somebody has been using Microsoft WORD for
fifteen years, then that program is the best for them.
If you have hundreds or thousands of employees, or half a
dozen, for whom you have to buy a word processor, then
Open Office Writer is the best for you, because it is free and
because it uses the Worldwide Open Standard.
The actual performance differences are negligible and change
with every update. WordPerfect and WORD have been battling
it out with nitpicking little differences that are generally ignored
except by computer magazine testers, who have never bought
a program in their life. Currently Open Office is slightly
ahead in usability and useful features, but that can change any
moment. For example, just today there was an update for
Corel Office. I haven't noticed any changes in the stuff I actually
use, but I am sure bored magazine testers will find what is new
and will write plenty about it in 3-4 months.
The actual usage differences between the Big Three are small,
as long as you are not trying to save a document as a web page.
Open Office does that way best and produces nice and clean
HTML, that can be easily updated. If you try that with MS WORD,
you wind up with an awful mess and get told to scribble it on
a used napkin next time, or to pick up the MS WORD doc with
Open Office Writer and save it as a web page from there.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted
to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took
pity on him and gave the lad a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We
use it to catch cows."
"I see," said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as
he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for
bait?"
(City Slickers Beware! Cows love chasing and scaring you!)
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Put Ads at the Bottom of the Garbage Can
Ever wonder what to do with all the paper advertisements and
leftover grocery ads that you always end up throwing away?
Here's something my mother has passed along to me. Fold
them up and fit them into the bottom of your garbage cans
throughout the house. You may need to fiddle around with it
a little bit to make sure it's sitting on the bottom snugly, edges
may stick up but that's OK.
The paper ads on the bottom will soak up any liquids that may
drip through your bags. This saves on time and hassle in
cleaning your garbage can. Especially handy for the kitchen
garbage as raw meat juices or liquids inevitably seep through.
By Pookster
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The other night, Joe and his wife were going out for
dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow,
eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush, lipstick,
and a dozen other mysterious concoctions, and
then asked: "Does this look natural?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
It was little Michael's first visit to the country,
and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of a
peacock strutting in the yard. Rushing indoors
excitedly, Michael sought his grandmother.
"Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in
bloom!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 1092 )
Printmaster versus MS WORD
Friday, December 4, 2009, 08:40 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, December 4, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
When my kids become wild and unruly,
I use a nice safe playpen.
When they're finished, I climb out.
--- Erma Bombeck
Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn
is too young to do so.
--- Bob Phillips
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger
noticed a sign saying:
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!
posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed an old
hound dog sound asleep on the floor half way between
the door and the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to
me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that
sign, people kept tripping over him and bashing their
teeth out on the counter."
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby
pay phone. "I know it's something you want,"
he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are
a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing.
As long as you're living in my house, I think you
should respect my wishes."
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly
firmness.
Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Ma,
you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo and a
nose ring!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Adam Bauer, 19, Lacrosse, Wisconsin
Too dumb to drink
University of Wisconsin-La Crosse student Adam Bauer has
nearly 400 friends on Facebook. He got an offer for a new one
about a month ago. “She was a good-looking girl. I usually
don’t accept friends I don’t know, but I randomly accepted
this one for some reason,” the 19-year-old said.
He thinks that led to his invitation to come down to the
La Crosse police station, where an officer laid out photos
from Facebook of Bauer holding a beer — and then
ticketed him for underage drinking.
The police report said Bauer admitted drinking, which he
denies. But he did plead no contest in municipal court
Wednesday and will pay a $227 fine.
He was among at least eight people who said Wednesday
they had been cited for underage drinking based on photos
on social networking sites.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosalie
Re: Printmaster versus MS WORD
Dear Webby:
I look forward to receiving you Humor Letter each morning;
you start my day with a smile. Thanks much.
You have always answered my questions for me -
What is the difference between using Microsoft Word and
Print Master? A friend asked me for help about a question in
Print Master. I have never used this program as I have always
used Microsoft Word both at work and now at home. Is Print
Master program new as I never heard it before.
Thanks again.
Rosalie
Dear Rosalie
Printmaster is a very basic word processor with some simple
graphics editing tools thrown in, all at about the level of
Microsoft Works, if you remember history. Printmaster is
popular and well known on the Mac side, but relatively unknown
on the Windows and Linux side. It costs $40, but there are a
few pirated clones available free.
MS WORD is a heavy duty word processor in the same class
as Open Office Writer or Corel Office WordPerfect, and the
same as those other two, made for professional word processing
all day, and the occasional, rare bit of graphics when the boss
isn't watching.
There are no similarities in usage between Printmaster and the
three professional word processors. What works in your word
processor, probably does not work or is done differently in
Printmaster, and vice versa.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An employment interviewer for a big company in New
York was talking to an attractive young woman applying
for a job. Looking over the application form, the
interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one
important question concerning transportation to and
from work. "What about your bus line?" the
interviewer asked her.
"I don't think I mentioned it," came the pleased
reply, "but it's a 38D."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Discounted Banking Services For Seniors
For senior citizens, check with your bank to see if they have any
special services for seniors. I questioned some things on a bank
statement regarding a debit payment that I did not authorize.
In the process I asked about another item from when I had
ordered new checks because the amount was wrong from
what I had. The employee said why order checks as I had
been doing when I could get new checks through the bank
for free. Granted they don't have special pictures on them,
but at my age, I don't need special pictures. She also said
with this type of account, if I used an 'out of system' ATM,
I would get the charge for that system, but I would not get
a charge from my bank, too, as I previously did. Saving
even the little amounts add up over time. By the way, I
bank at National City. Check with your bank to see what
services they have for seniors.
By Linda from Bloomington,IL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The basketball coach stormed into the university
President's office and demanded a raise right then and
there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you
already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put
up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an
example."
The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock
who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my
office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out
of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President,
scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A minister was planning a wedding at the close
of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the
couple down to be married for a brief ceremony
before the congregation. For the life of him, he
couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married. So he simply asked:
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"
Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows,
tree widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal
wedding gown stepped to the front.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 645 )
Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS?
Thursday, December 3, 2009, 07:18 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, December 3, 2009
The big rewards come to those who travel
the second, undemanded mile.
--- Bruce Barton
Everyone has a right to a university degree in America,
even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
--- Clive James
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to play with them. They decided it was
because they had not been baptized and didn't go to
Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church.
But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to
be baptized because no one will come out and play with
us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the
bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one
at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they
pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they
dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they
just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"I think that means we're Pisscopalians."
ordered a cup of coffee with no cream at the
corner restaurant.
The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, you'll have to have
it with no milk because we're out of cream."
Thanks to Robert for this picture:
Dear Webby,
It's been a nice sunrise and sunset week.
Here is a neat sunset in Reno, Nevada.
Take Care
Robert
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the Arizona State University School of Journalism
Reporters resent being confronted with facts
Hecklers in the audience broke into a loudly sung version of
"Bohemian Rhapsody" and forced a high-profile Arizona sheriff
to abandon a First Amendment forum sponsored by Arizona State
University's journalism school. Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio
was asked by a panel of journalists Monday night to explain his
relationship with the media, his various law enforcement policies
and whether his office conducts racial profiling. Arpaio told
the panel that his office is an "equal opportunity law enforcement
agency" that will arrest anyone who violates the law.
Later in the interview at ASU's Walter Cronkite School of
Journalism and Mass Communication, protesters began singing
a version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and chanting as Arpaio
was asked about a federal investigation and his policies on
illegal immigration.
When ASU journalism school staff refused to restore order,
the sheriff told the panel the childish behavior was "ridiculous"
and he left the stage.
Seems their minds were made up and they resented anybody
trying to confuse them with facts.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Eddie
Re: Can you scan for viruses/malware from DOS?
Dear Webby
Just wnat to know if you know a way to scan for viruses/malware
in CMD? ---- And do you need any additional software?
Eddie
Dear Eddie
Yes, sure you can run McAfee from DOS.
Just reboot into safe mode with command prompt
and run McAfee from there.
More info is at http://snipurl.com/tj9lp
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A grandmother overheard her five-year-old granddaughter
playing "wedding."
The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say
will be turned around and used against you, you have
the right to have an attorney present. You can't kiss the
bride today, because she has a headache."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dog House for Firewood Storage
Re-purpose your Igloo Shaped Dog house for storing some
firewood. Our dog refused to use the Dog-Loo we bought her
years ago. I got the idea to store a stash of firewood in it to
keep it dry and easily accessible by our back door. Our
woodpile is located in the far end of our yard, which is
exposed to the elements. So having some dry wood stored
in the 'dog house', keeps it available for when my husband
gets the urge to use the fireplace. He also uses the dry
wood for his smoker grill. I see the dog-loo's at Garage Sales
and on the roadside for trash pickup, and it seemed they
would be handy for other uses.
By Mary C. from Orange Park, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes
towards leftovers. "It gets rough," one said. "My
husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them
'reruns'."
"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a
Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady.
"My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A dog thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me . . . They must be Gods!
A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me . . . I must be a God!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 660 )
Is there a fix for a dead mouse?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009, 08:51 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
--- Saint Augustine (354-430)
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition
that's troublesome."
--- Isaac Asimov
The software engineering field is staffed
primarily by men; the ratio of male to female
software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1.
This makes it pretty easy for women to find
potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned
reputation for being, well, a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the
software industry, one woman commented to another:
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking
out children's books by writing the names of
borrowers on the book cards herself, she would
have the youngsters sign their own names. She
would then tell them they were signing a
"Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked
surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four
books to the desk and shoved them across to the
Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him
to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his
name on each book card and then handed them to her
with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech
he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had, was
a lot smarter. She learned how to write herself!"
Thanks to Mike for this picture:
This is the sun rise at my house here in Nevada
I live 17 miles east of Carson City.
Mike
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jochen Naumann, 37 of Leipzig, Germany
German tourist made false bomb threat at Disney World
ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- A German tourist has been arrested on
charges of making a false bomb threat while visiting Walt Disney World.
A report from the Orange County Sheriff's Office says 37-year-old
Jochen Naumann of Leipzig, Germany, was going through the security
checkpoint at the entrance of the Magic Kingdom Sunday when he told
a Disney employee he had two bombs in his back pack.
The report says the Disney employee questioned Naumann and he
repeated the threat.
A sheriff's deputy had a bomb-sniffing dog check Naumann's bag
and no explosive devices were found.
The report says Naumann claimed he was only joking. He was
arrested on a charge of making a false report of a bomb and
taken to the Orange County Jail.
Jail records show bond was set at $10,000.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jai
Re: Is there a fix for a dead mouse?
Dear Webby
My mouse quit working. Is there a fix or is it dead forever?
Thanks,
Jai
Dear Jai
All mice do eventually die, usually after the warranty expires.
If it is just the cord, and the mouse lights up when you mess
with the cord, it can be replaced easily, if one has a bunch
of dead mice to salvage cords from. Sometimes you can
just shorten the cord. It usually goes bad in the first few
inches from the mouse.
But if that is not the case, about all you can do is replace it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised!
But when Old McDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Maps as Wrapping Paper
This wrapping paper idea came from one of my friends years
ago. Use outdated atlases and maps for colorful, cool-looking,
and good quality wrapping paper. I use mostly for birthday
gifts, but cut out a silhouette of Santa in his sleigh and/or
reindeers and attach for Christmas gifts. If you like this
idea but don't have any maps to use, pick up some free
ones at travel and visitor's centers the next time you are
traveling.
By Britt from Boston, MA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BOX
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you
continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no
trouble coming up with his answer.
THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU SCROLL DOWN. THINK THINK THINK
WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,
and let him warm up while taking the old lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of
my dreams."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see
the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of
the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without
paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the
ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter.
England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
The other two saw this and are amazed. The Scotsman saw a manhole.
He picked up the cover, carried it under his arm to the entrance and
said, "Mc Gregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman was very frantic, since both his friends were inside.
He walked around the stadium and found a roll of barbed wire.
He picked it up, walked to the entrance and said, "Murphy.
Ireland. Fencing."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 553 )
UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus
Tuesday, December 1, 2009, 08:24 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
--- Oscar Wilde
A life spent making mistakes is not only
more honorable, but more useful
than a life spent doing nothing.
--- George Bernard Shaw
Bulletin Board Bloopers:
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with any
church.
---------------------------
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
---------------------------
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the
delight of the audience.
---------------------------
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing
services will be discontinued until further notice.
---------------------------
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great
success. Special thanks are due to the minister's
daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a
motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding
ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said. "When you collect four of
them you get to buy yourself a bicycle."
Thanks to Dani for this picture:
Sunrise from our kitchen window 11 30 09.
Dani
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Frater Osiris Xnoubis in Eastbourne, England
Goth robber jailed for bizarre bank job
1:20pm Saturday 28th November 2009
A goth robber held up a bank but then gave away all the money
he had stolen.
Frater Osiris Xnoubis was dressed from head to foot in black
leather when he carried out the bizarre robbery.
He handed a note to terrified cashier Laura Sulling telling
her he was armed and demanded she hand over the cash
in her till.
Xnoubis, a Pagan worshipper, stuffed £6,570 into a bag
and told her to “have a nice day” before calmly walking
out of the HSBC branch in Terminus Road, Eastbourne.
He walked a few yards to The Gildridge pub where he handed
barmaid Gemma Clark a £20 note for a bottle of beer and told
her to keep the change.
After downing his drink he left and went to nearby Harrisons
sandwich bar.
He handed the bag of cash to astonished owner Clive Benneys,
who was also his landlord, saying: “You are good people, help
yourselves.”
Xnoubis left the shop and promptly went to the police station in
Grove Road where he confessed to the robbery.
At Hove Crown court yesterday, Xnoubis, of Glynde Road,
Eastbourne, was jailed for three-and-a-half years after
pleading guilty to robbery.
Justin Rivett, defending, said Xnoubis had a knife hidden
on him during the robbery but did not show it to bank staff.
He said a psychiatric report confirmed Xnoubis was suffering
from depression but was not mentally ill.
------------
Can't say the same for whoever wrote that psychiatric report,
or the British reporter, who does not know the difference between
Pagan worshippers and Goth fans.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Roland
Re: UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure virus
Dear Webby
The newest virus circulating is
The UPS/FedEx/DHL Delivery Failure.
Any truth to this one? If so hope my McAfee will catch it.
Cheers,
Roland
Dear Roland
That virus is not attached to the email.
You get it, if you are silly enough to click on a link in that email.
If you ARE concerned about a UPS/FedEx/DHL parcel,
call their 1-800 number or check on their web site,
but don't open any email from them, unless you have
MailWasher and see the actual URL hidden under the link.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A number of children from the neighborhood were
invited to Mrs. Johnson's for dinner. She decided to do
something different while serving the meal.
"Where are you originally from?" she asked one child.
"California," said the boy.
"Well then, I will give you the left wing."
She turned to another boy and asked, "Where are
YOU from?"
"New York," he answered.
And she said, "You get the right wing."
She turned to the third boy and asked, "Where are
you from?"
He said, "I'm from Florida and I'm not hungry!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Your Freezer Full
Being single, I don't have my freezer full of food all the
time. Keeping your freezer full saves money on your
electric bill. I now keep empty spaces full by filling
milk jugs with water. I also have clean fresh water on
hand at all times in case of an emergency.
By April from Buffalo, NY
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda
notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her,
"Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and
life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him
he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she
could see it from the bedroom window. But he said
that he hadn't been in the shed that day.
He looked himself, and there were people in the
shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no one
was in his area, so no one was available to catch
the thieves.
He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the
police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed? Well, you don't
have to worry about them now, I've just shot
them." And hung up.
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police
cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the
works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policeman said to this man:
"I thought you said you'd shot them!"
"Must have missed."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3.1 / 531 )
Monday, November 30, 2009, 09:11 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, November 30, 2009
"Great things are not accomplished by those
who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion."
--- Charles Kuralt
"Defeat doesn't finish a man -- quit does. A man is
not finished when he's defeated.
He's finished when he quits."
--- Richard Nixon
"There are victories of the soul and spirit.
Sometimes, even if you lose, you win."
--- Elie Wiesel
When I consider how sweaters tend to make me
sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom
scales on display at the department store.
"What is it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think it tells
you when somebody messed up. When mom when
stands on it, she gets more upset than when my
sister brings her report card home."
From my office window Nov 29
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Robert McCray, 37 in Dade City, Florida
Deodorant thief goes back to jail
DADE CITY — His nickname is Priest and he had a $40 drug debt
to pay off. So on Thursday afternoon, Robert McCray — a 37-year-old
felon with "Thug Life" tattooed on his chest — headed into a CVS
Pharmacy on U.S. 301, according to the Dade City Police
Department.
He needed something to barter off his debt. Authorities say McCray
chose deodorant. He stuffed 19 packages of antiperspirant
— $84 worth — inside his jacket and tried to head outside, the
police report said.
Store employees noticed the stolen sticks and stopped McCray,
the report said. They told him to pay for them. He dropped four
packages on the ground, the report said, and tried to flee.
The employees weren't having it. They tried to hold him. He
fought. The employees won and detained him until police officers
arrived.
McCray told police he took the deodorant to pay back a friend
over a drug debt. The report said officers found a crack pipe
and small bag of crack cocaine on McCray.
A CVS manager declined to talk Friday about what happened,
so it is not known whether any employees were hurt. McCray
has a swollen, bruised eye in his mug shot.
McCray, of 38520 Wilson St. in Dade City, is charged with retail
theft, resisting a merchant, possession of crack cocaine and
possession of drug paraphernalia. He remained at the
Land O'Lakes jail Friday in lieu of $5,450 bail.
McCray has previously served six prison sentences for a total
of eight years on convictions for drugs, grand theft auto and
burglary.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Robert
Re: Mystery Ad
Dear Webby
who is betty sue and why is the message the same every day?
i'm very curious about this.
the part on the left that says
Dear Bubba
All is forgiven. I still love you. Please come back!
Ps. Congratulations on your lottery win!
Your Betty-Sue
Robert
Dear Robert
hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder
for one. hat is just a goofy classified ad, or actually a place holder for one..
For just $50 a month, you can put YOUR ad there, for all the world to see.
In the spirit of Christmas, I'll reduce that to $40 per month for any
subscribers. And if your ad is funny enough, I'll sneak it in free for
a day or two,
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Customer: "I'd like an under the mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large
variety, $1.95 each.."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my
computer?"
Salesperson: "Hmmm, have you got one of those
new Windows 7 machines ?"
Customer: "Yes, it's a 17" !"
Salesperson: "Then you better get one of these
$29.95 mousepads"
Customer: "But, is it Microsoft approved ?"
Salesperson: "Well,...to be on the safe side, maybe
you should better get one of these bue ones for
$49.95."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making a Christmas Wreath for Nothing
Find a pine tree with branches close to the ground. Cut enough
branches for you to make a wreath. Make a circle base with
the branches and then build on with other branches. I used
twine to bind the wreath, you can use craft wire or even ribbon.
Break out your old Christmas decorations and decorate the
wreath any way you like.
By Jen from APO, AE
Make sure you get the branches from the forest, not from
anywhere in town. Dogs use the trees for pee-mail, and more
and more schools and public buildings spray their trees with
skunk oil, to deter unauthorized harvesting. Also avoid
boulevards or any town owned treed areas.
You can't smell it until the branches warm up inside the house,
but by then apparently it is too late.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife
recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help
her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the
morning!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Harold and Bob are out in the woods hunting,
when Bob falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Harold whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He
gasps to the operator, "My friend looks like he's dead!
What can I do?"
The police operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy. I can help...
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard...
Harold then says, "OK, now what next...?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 1045 )
Best free graphics program
Sunday, November 29, 2009, 10:12 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, November 29, 2009
Too many have dispensed with generosity
in order to practice charity.
--- Albert Camus
"Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?"
--- Frank Scully
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
--- Unknown
It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research
shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the
street, the gunman hits a boombox!
"Hey Bubba, what do you think about gun control?"
"A delicate lil woman like you, yall have to use
both hands, Betty-Sue"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
A Monarch on November 28 !
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Christopher Walker, 19, from Birmingham, England
Robbery across the street from home
Hapless crook Christopher Walker stole £25,000 before fleeing
to his nearby home.
Walker was was seen running into his own property opposite
the bank after attacking the guard with a stick outside Lloyds
Bank in Birmingham's Lea Village.
Birmingham Crown Court heard it was an incompetent spur of
the moment robbery.
Walker, 19, from Birmingham, was jailed for two and a half
years after admitting robbery on October 22.
"What makes this so serious is the significant amount of
money involved, the use of a disguise and the use of a
weapon to hit a security guard who is entitled to go about
his work without fear of attack," said Her Honour Judge
De Bertodano.
The court heard how Walker was caught by police within minutes
because he was seen running into his home after attacking
the cash-in-transit security guard with a stick.
He had just been made redundant from his job as a council
grass cutter and was short of cash.
Walker covered his face with a T-shirt, before picking up a
stick, which he used to strike the back of the guards knee
from behind.
All of the cash was recovered from the loft space of Walkers
next door neighbour which adjoined his house.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alissa
Re: Best free graphics program
Dear Webby
You mentioned that there are a lot of free graphics programs
available on the net. At the time I thought, that was rather lazy,
but was too busy to write then. So I am telling you now,
That was LAZY!
I need a free graphics program for an adult continuing education
program. What is the best among all the free ones?
By the way, it has to be able to run on older machines.
Alissa
Dear Alissa
The best of the free ones is definitely GIMP. You will find it every
bit as good and powerful as the $700-$1,000 Photoshop program,
All the options in it are a bit overwhelming, and I would
definitely advise to step through the tutorials. It is not as easy
to use as Paint Shop Pro, but there are tons of tutorials available.
There are entire web sites dedicated to just GIMP tutorials:
http://gimp-tutorials.net/
http://www.gimp-tutorials.com/
http://www.gimpguru.org/Tutorials/
You can download GIMP from http://www.gimp.org/downloads/
Unlike Photoshop and PaintShop Pro, the stars amongst the
for sale programs, GIMP runs fine on Windows, Linux and Mac,
even on older machines, and you don't have to learn a new program
just because of switching Operating Systems..
Have FUN!
DearWebby
My home church welcomes all denominations,
but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing Gift Wrap Under The Bed
I use an under the bed storage box for organizing my gift
wrapping. Along with all the wrapping paper (including
some I have recycled). I keep scissors and cellophane
tape, ribbons, sticky labels and card tags along with
birthday cards and a few left over Christmas cards.
By Monique from Somerset, U.K
If you don't have wheels on your under the bed storage drawer,
or if they are too small for the type of carpet that you got,
pick up some of the "Crazy Carpet" plastic sheets that the
kids leave lying around, or buy some. They are cheap.
Attach the sheets to the bottom of the drawer with little
brads or picture frame nails. Even the heaviest drawer will
slide on carpet as if it had ball bearing drawer rails.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came
over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive
please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26
cars please return to class."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get
pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up,
taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver
rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him
in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull
you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around
here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and
he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and
walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.The passenger rolls his window down, and
the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road
you're gonna say, 'I wish that schmuck would've tried
that stuff with me!' "
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 1126 )
How do you clean Norton off a machine?
Saturday, November 28, 2009, 08:07 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, November 28, 2009
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up,
but a comedy in long-shot."
--- Charlie Chaplin
"Life is what happens while you are making other plans."
--- John Lennon
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than
in bad company."
--- George Washington
A salesman from New York traveling in Kansas left his
snazzy rental car out in a hail storm. When the storm
was over he checked the car and found out it was
covered with small dents. He went to the local garage
and inquired how he could fix the problem himself.
The mechanic told him to blow on the tailpipe and the
dents would pop out again.
He took the car to the motel where he was staying,
parked it and proceeded to blow on the tailpipe.
A local came by and inquired what he was doing.
He explained that he was blowing on the tailpipe to
remove the dents.
The local responded,
"That's not gonna to work, not unless you roll up the
windows real tight first."
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends,
a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and shovel for?"
one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock", the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong
an ear shattering whack with the shovel.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the
wall
"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two fourty five in the
morning!"
He loved working on Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy
about the ferry. Miss a ferry late at night, and you
have to spend the next hour or so wandering the streets
of lower Manhattan.
So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet
from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself
to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on
his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safely
on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly
to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?'
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have
waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to
dock."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to John Ford, 35, in Twinsburg, Ohio
Habitual burglar caught himself, again
TWINSBURG, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio said they have video
footage of a bank robbery suspect eating the note he allegedly
used to demand money from a teller.
Twinsburg police said a dashboard mounted camera on a police
cruiser recorded John Ford, 35, eating a piece of paper while
officers searched his clothing for weapons Thursday, the
Akron (Ohio) Beacon-Journal reported.
"He grabbed it in his mouth, just like Pacman," Patrolman
Daniel Biada said. "He just ate it right there."
Police said they discovered a .38-caliber pistol and an
undisclosed amount of cash covered in red ink inside Ford's
vehicle.
Authorities said Ford walked into a FirstMerit branch in
Streetsboro Thursday and handed a teller a note demanding
money. He did not display the gun inside the bank, police said.
Police said they were investigating whether Ford was
connected to bank robberies in nearby Stow and Akron.
Eating the note is tampering with evidence and usually adds
a year of free room and board in jail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rheta
Re: How do you clean Norton off a machine?
Dear webby:
My daughter has a computer with Norton on it. And its out
of date now. I was telling her she could get red of Norton for
good. But I can't remember what to do anymore.
And here's a big one for you. my daughter and drand daughter
are taking some classes on line. but they need Microsoft Office.
they both have windows 7 now. all new computers comes with
Vista. and 7 in them.... ok my question is sence i still have
microsoft office. on about 30 3.5" disk's can she use them?
if not what do you sugest they use?
Rheta
Dear Rheta
Go to my Tool Box. and grab the Norton Remover.
It's way down, just above the IE7 blocker.
The smart people can still get XP computers. Just go in
through the Business entrance. XP computers are not subsidized
by Microsoft, and so, even though they are older, cost more
than the subsidized Windows 7 computers. But to slow down the
migration of Industry and Commerce to Linux, they ARE still
available.
Your old Microsoft Office can not be installed on those W7 machines,
partly because it is a paid for program and licensed for only
one machine, and partly because they don't have 3 1/2" floppy
drives.
Tell them they can use Open Office. It is free, and it can open
MS Word and other MS files, and even save them back into that
format, not just the Open Standard, that is used by Industry
and Commerce. Industry and commerce are not silly enough
to pay for Microsoft Office, when they can get a better
Office program for free.
There is a link to it in my Tool Box.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
An old farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked for the
price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back telling him to
look on page #346 of their catalog. He wrote another letter to the
company that said: "If you had not stopped sending me
catalogs, I would not need any toilet paper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
had been misbehaving and was sent to bed.
After a while emerged and informed mother
that had thought it over and then said a
prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to
help you about your misbehaving, He will help you."
"Oh, I don't need help with misbehavin' ", said
. "I asked Him to help me not to get
caught quite so much."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was
sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to
pray?"
One man stepped forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us
put on our life jackets - we're one short."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 958 )
What is the difference between a virus and a worm?
Friday, November 27, 2009, 08:21 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, November 27, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic,
but one of them is paranoid
and the other one is out to get him.
--- Socratex
"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking
at girls and persuade themselves they have a better
idea."
--John Ciardi
"Modern Art" ? Isn't that an oxymoron like "Dry
Water", which, according to people in the military is
like "Military Intelligence" ?
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty
scarce."
--Mark Twain
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother
said to him,
"Now, Peter, I know you love Spot, but you're loving
him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked
you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd
think it was my birthday and Aunt Edna was here!"
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use
the Internet for research and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell
history papers on that topic!"
A lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
While she was waiting for her date, she wanted to make
sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in
her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she
accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter
walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced,
knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to
the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says
"Sure lady, which way did you fire it ?"
Thanks to Frank for this pretty angel.
He wants you to pass her on!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Randy Eugene Cliett in Haines City, Florida
Habitual burglar caught himself, again
Randy Eugent Cliett was extracted from the ventilation system
at the supermarket in Haines City this morning — five years after
he was convicted of breaking into the same business.
Screams coming from the roof of La Placita Mexico Supermarket
early Tuesday meant Randy Eugene Cliett got stuck in another
jam at the popular Polk County grocery.
A veteran Polk County burglar, Cliett spent Monday night trapped
in a rooftop air shaft at the same 10th Street market where he
got busted for burglary in 2004, according to acting Haines City
Pollice Chief Chief Sammy L. Taylor.
"He really had no concept of time. He wasn't sure when it happened,"
Taylor said.
Convicted on 14 of his 16 arrests for burglary, drugs and domestic
violence since 1990, Cliett finished serving his fifth stretch in state
prison less than two months ago. That five-year sentence was for
breaking into the same supermarket at which he was discovered
Tuesday, police, court and prison records show.
The first officers to reach the roof found Cliett wedged feet first inside
the narrow air shaft with his arms above his head.
Haines City firefighter grabbed his hands and pulled him to the roof,
Taylor said. Police charged him with burglary of an unoccupied structure,
causing more than $1,000 of damage, possession of burglary tools
and felony criminal mischief.
Cliett was booked into the Polk County Jail, again..
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon
Re: What is the difference between a virus and a worm?
Dear Webby,
Thanks for the nice Thanksgivng pumpkin & the beautiful
fall treee. All of our leaves are gone now. they came early
& were gone early too.
I was wondering what the difference is between adware,
malware & worms. Are any of them seroious threats? I have
the free avast program & several times is sends up a block
say something has been blocked. I think some of them are
"worms".
Also I have the free power point program downloaded but
don't remember where I got it & a friend asked me about
it. Do you know the site I can tell her about to get it?
Thanks so much for you fun & tips.
Dear Sharon
The border between viruses and worms is a bit murky
these days. Generally, viruses focus on spreading to other
machines, while worms focus on gaining control of your
machine, harvesting data, and using your machine for
spamming.
Adware just pesters you with ads, but frequently also infects
your computer with a virus or worm.
However, nowadays both viruses and worms try to open
a back door for hackers or nasty programs or add-ons to
the initial infection.
All malicious stuff like that is malware.
Programs like McAfee make no distinction between
viruses and worms, when it comes to protecting a machine.
They nuke them all. Just when you try to read the detailed
description they call them by their proper names.
They also clip adware and spyware, unless you clicked to
accept ads in lieu of payment. In that case, they can't legally
cut off a form of payment that you had agreed to.
The free PowerPoint viewer that I use is the one in
Open Office. It works great for harvesting individual pictures
from a huge, bulky PPS or PPT file.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A preacher wanted to mail a letter home when he
arrived in this small town where he was to to preach a
sermon. He asked a young boy where the post office
was. When the boy told him, he thanked him and said,
"If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening,
you can hear me telling everyone how to get to
Heaven."
"Huh! the boy huffed, "You don't even know your way to
the post office."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Serving Bowls, Platters and Utensils
As I get out the dishes for the holiday dinners, I also take
out the serving bowls and utensils I will need. I put a little
note in each bowl (i.e. cranberries, stuffing. etc.) so when
I am serving up food I don't have to fumble around finding
the right size bowl at the last minute.
By Linda from Vista ,CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat,
leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid
asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects
me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put
it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it
protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has
pockets where I can keep my cigarettes and matches."
"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm riding my horse through
rough bushes."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked,
"Why do you wear sneakers instead of cowboy boots ?"
"That's so people won't think I'm a truck driver."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the
computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whispered,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk
to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise
of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes",
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice
whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone, the boss decided he would
just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked
the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the
whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what
sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now
alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper in the sandbox!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 2.9 / 491 )
How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV?
Thursday, November 26, 2009, 08:22 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, November 26, 2009
"Striving for excellence motivates you;
striving for perfection is demoralizing."
--- Harriet Braiker
"Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work
with your Sunday clothes on."
--- Ed Howe
Meetings are indispensable
when you don't want to do anything.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
One night, a torrential rain soaked Southern Louisiana.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up
about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her
neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap, floating near
the house. Then she saw it float far out into the
front yard, then float back to the house; it kept
floating away from the house, then back towards
house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked
Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a
floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband; I tole
dat coonass he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or
high water, or he's gonna sleep on da couch!"
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher
knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if
anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his
dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his
dad had explained to him why it was more important to
go to church than to go fishing.
The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have
enough bait for both of us."
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter havet you never seen a little boy
before?"
Large
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Islington Town Hall in North London, England
No Civil Union for straights
To ensure that they are not misquoted, the London Metro
newspaper's online version is100% graphics, without any
editable text.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Grace
Re: How do I make a CD/DVD to show on a TV?
Dear Webby,
I was wondering if you can tell me what format I should
use to get a cd to play pictures on the Tv from a burned disc.
I have spent so many hours doing slide shows and videos
of my grand kids only to find out they are not in the right
format to put in the dvd player and then not work. I have
used a DVD-R and a CD-R, and about 3 different programs
with no luck. Can you tell me how to do it or what program I need?
Thanks
Grace
Dear Grace
I don't have a TV, so I really don't have any first hand knowledge about that.
Some people say that Nero works for that,
others say Socusoft DVD Photo Slide Show.
That one is at
http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/slid ... layer.html
or
http://www.dvd-photo-slideshow.com/download.html
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was
asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it
to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but definitely not the same ones."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Turkey Bones for Soup
Think you've got your turkey pretty well stripped? Think again.
After all that turkey tetrazini, turkey hash, turkey salad, etc,
try turkey soup. Toss all the turkey bones into a large pot.
Cover the bones with water, add seasonings to taste, and
simmer two hours. While the bones are simmering,
peel carrots, celery and whatever other veggies you like.
Add these to the pot. Cook an additional hour to hour and
a half. If desired, add a half pound of egg noodles near the
end of the cooking time. Once the noodles are cooked
according to the time specified on the package, remove
the bones (carefully, so you don't burn yourself).
Your turkey soup is ready to enjoy.
By Lelia Jo from Springfield, OH
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young
farmer frantically struggling to load hay back onto a
cart from where it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't
you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is
entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said,
"Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load
of hay."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
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Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to
discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've
been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh, No! I can't." the first replied, "I need to lose
at least another fifteen pounds first."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
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Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 523 )
Can I make an install CD from an installed game?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009, 09:01 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, November 25, 2009
"Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can'tbe done and why.
Then do it."
--- Robert Heinlein
Thanks to Bill for this story:
Big Jake was having his long hair styled at the hairdressers
when a bus smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape,
his hair divided with aluminium clips, Jake, an ex-paratrooper
corporal raced out to the bus and found the driver unhurt.
The car driver, however, was slumped over the wheel,
unconscious. Big Jake lost no time in applying his army
acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. The car driver recovered consciousness
several times, but kept passing out again.
Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took
over, and Jake returned to his hairdresser's seat. "I just don't
understand why he kept passing out," he said to the hairdresser.
"I did everything they taught me."
"Well, put yourself in the car driver's place," said the hairdresser.
"He's driving down the street without a care in the world. The next
thing he knows, he's waking up to see some big guy in a green
cape, weird hair, with a head full of wires, pounding on his chest
and kissing him. You'd pass out too."
A young woman doctor tells the story about her 4 year
old daughter. On the way to pre-school, the doctor had
left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "My daughter
wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument,
"Wowcome to McDonnahs. Do ya want fwies wif that?"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it ain't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have
10 feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
: BIG hands!
Thanks to Robert for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Adam Garland and Michael Queener at the at the
Turney Center prison in Tennessee
Inmates Escape, Steal Cigarettes, Return
CLIFTON, Tenn. -- The state Department of Correction said
two inmates escaped a minimum security prison in southwest
middle Tennessee on Nov. 7 to steal cigarettes before returning,
WSMV-TV in Nashville reported.
Adam Garland and Michael Queener are accused of escaping
through a window in their cell at the Turney Center Annex and
crawling under a fence.
While out, the men stole cigarettes and tobacco products from a
convenience store before returning to the prison by going back
through the window that they had escaped from, officials at the
corrections department said.
Officers later discovered the contraband, and an investigation
began.
Queener was serving a 10-year sentence for aggravated robbery.
Garland was serving a five-year sentence for attempted aggravated
burglary and theft.
The men will now face escape and burglary charges, and minimum
security days are over for them.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Moo Mom
Re: Can I make an install CD from an installed game?
Dear Webby,
I was wondering if it would be possible to some how copy a game
and all that goes with it that was installed in a friends computer
from a game cd or disc , what ever you call them into mine,
they no longer have the original cd for me to install the game.
can it some how be copied to a blank cd and then installed
in mine.?
Thanks a lot ...
Moo Mom
Dear Moo Mom
Usually that is impossible.
If that was possible, they would sell only ONE CD,
and everybody would copy it from the machine it was
installed on.
They couldn't pay their rent in that case.
Look for that game on eBay. There are bound to be some
people who have outgrown it and are selling the CD cheaply.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made
from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baked-on Food
I find the best way to remove any baked on or burned residue
in pans or casseroles, or burner rings is to sprinkle on some
dry dishwasher detergent, cover with hot tap water and allow
to sit overnight. In the morning, it will come off with a wipe of
the sponge. I haven't found any other method that works
without scrubbing.
By TwoDogsMom from Vista CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A lawyer dies on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 760
years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I was shot on
my 40th birthday!."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up the time you billed."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender
(with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone in the
houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and gimme the
bill."
So the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill
for $57.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times, then
throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and
once again says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy
everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourschelf one, and
gimme the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself
that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice. So he gives him the benefit of the doubt,
pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink
himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him
out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar
and says (with a drunken slur), "Tarbender, buy everyone
in the houshe a drink, gimme the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me
this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent
when you drink."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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( 3 / 938 )
How do I restore from an emergency back-up?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009, 08:09 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"Under capitalism man exploits man;
under socialism the reverse is true."
--- Polish Proverb
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to
make sense."
--- Tom Clancy
Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and
the teacher called on Little Johnny to recite a sentence
with a direct object.
Little Johnny stood and thought, then said,
"Teacher, I think you have lost weight."
"Why thank you, Little Johnny," the teacher said,
blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied....
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated
father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room
without supper. But my son has his own TV, phone,
computer and DVD player.
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!"
The lawyer emailed his client overseas:
"Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Do you want
us to order burial or cremation ?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both,
but not in that order."
Utah
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a 17 year old bank robber in Warwick, RI
RI teen skipped school, robbed bank
WARWICK, R.I. (AP) - Police say a 17-year-old Warwick boy who
skipped school to rob a bank has been arrested after leaving
fingerprints on the threatening note he passed to the teller.
Warwick police Capt. Sean Collins said the boy handed a
note riddled with misspellings to a teller Thursday, demanding
money or "everyone will be shot."
The teller at Coastway Community Bank gave the teen money,
but he didn't have much time to spend it.
Police said his image was captured on surveillance cameras,
and his fingerprints were found on the note.
Police said the teen was arrested six hours after the alleged
theft and faces a first degree robbery charge. The teen, whom
police declined to identify because he's a juvenile, was being
held at the Rhode Island Training School.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Harlin
Re: How do I restore from an emergency back-up?
Dear Webby,
I have been reading your emails daily and have found the
information very helpful. I have a problem with my computer
and just wondered if you would not mind helping me out. I really
enjoy your emails - keep up the good work.
I did an emergency backup and the information was stored in the
D drive. I am unable to retrieve the information because the folder
is locked. How do I get the information out of the drive and put
back into the proper folders.
Thank you for any help you can give me.
Harlin
Dear Harlin
That sounds like you may have used one of the many back-up
programs that compress and encrypt the files and then lock them,
so that nobody else can use them. For privacy protection, that is
definitely a good idea, but it can be a nuisance for retrieval.
You need the exact program, that you used to make that back-up,
to unlock, decrypt, and expand the files. Without that program,
the back-up is just wasted space.
Not all, but most of those programs allow you to restore just
selected files, but some default to a complete, everything or
nothing, restore. You got to be very calm, cool and focused
when you do the restore, so that you don't accidentally overwrite
files that you have updated in the meantime. In some cases,
it is bet to rename those or copy them to a different location,
so that they won't get overwritten by the restore.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Michael strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
prescription and to check the prescription you've been
giving to a Mrs. Rogers."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since
when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
Michael says, "Since he found out that the birth
control pills that you prescribed for me did nothing
about my hemorrhoids, and the salve you prescribed
for Mrs Rogers did not stop her from getting pregnant."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Your Oven Heat to Warm Your House
After using your oven in the winter, turn it off and leave the
door open so the leftover heat can spread into your home.
Of course you need to keep small children away until it
cools, but when it comes to conserving energy and
money every little bit sure adds up.
By Patricia from Imperial, NE
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Norrissa was nervous the night her new boyfriend invited
her and her three young sons to an upscale restaurant
for the first time.
He ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the
server brought it, the children became quiet as she
began the ritual uncorking. When the waitress poured a
small amount for Norissa to taste and handed her the glass,
her six-year-old piped up,
"Mom can drink a LOT more than that! Give her the bottle!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request .
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Aaron bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
their Anniversary. His friend Benny remarked: "I thought
she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive cars."
"She did," Aaron replied. "But where in the world was I
going to find a fake Jeep ?!!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the
Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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