p style="font-family:arial"> Good Morning, ! Today is Thursday, March 30
___________________________________________________ History: Today in 1936. Britain announced a naval construction program of 38 warships to prepaer for the planned WW11. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Man dies after stealing police car, leading officers on chase befoer jumping from moving car. _____________________________________________ Q Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. --- Robert Frost (1874 - 1963) I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. --- Dan Quayle (1947) ________________________________________________ There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results are pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass is too big... 10% of women think their ass is too little... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway. __________________________________________ A suburbanite tried gardening for the first time. Tomatoes sounded easy to grow, so he set his plants; tended and nurtured them carefully, and awaited his crop. By mid-summer his plants were bearing lots of large, firm fruit, but it was all green...not a hint of pink or red to be found. None of his books or manuals were any help, so he approached an old country boy at work and asked his advice. "Son," he was told, "you've got to make them blush first. At midnight, take off all your clothes, put on a raincoat, go into the garden and flash the plants. Works every time!" As insane as this suggestion seemed, the man was desperate, so he did it, and damned if the tomatoes weren't the most beautiful red the next morning! The lady next door noticed the sudden change and, having the same problem, asked the secret. After much coaxing, he offered the explanation. A few days later he saw his neighbour in her garden and asked if she had tried his technique. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "And....." he prompted. "Well," she admitted, "my tomatoes are still green, but my cucumbers are T H I S L O N G . . . .!!!" __________________________________________ A doctor told a woman to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when she came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" And she said, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Ode To Spell Checker ----------------------- Eye halve a spelling checker It came with my pea sea It plainly marks four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My checker tolled me sew. ___________________________________________________ Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister See if you can do this: Read each line aloud This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top Betcha you can't resist passing it on. _________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny answered. The teacher smiled and said, "I'd like to talk to your mother or father." Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here." "Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?" And Little Johnny said, "Beats me, but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!" ____________________________________________________ A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure." ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ >From Irene BEING IN PRISON VS BEING A HOUSEWIFE In prison you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up, so you can mow it, so your kids can spread more toys all over it, so you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison you get to watch TV, cable even. At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison all your medical care is free. At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say "good-bye" when you are ready or your time is up. At home, if you have visitors, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison they take you everywhere you need to go. At home you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home . . . stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya? ___________________________________________________ A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine???" _________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock LOS ANGELES COUNTY, California, USA Man dies after stealing police car, leading officers on chase befoer jumping from moving car. A man suspected of stealing a patrol car and leading California Highway Patrol officers on a high-speed police chase through the Antelope Valley before jumping out of the moving vehicle has died. SkyFOX was live Tuesday afternoon and captured the moment the suspect jumped out of the car traveling around 70 mph, headed eastbound on the 138 Freeway. The man was rushed to the hospital, where CHP said the suspect was later pronounced dead. Prior to being taken to the hospital, an officer was spotted performing chest compressions on the suspect. The driver jumped from the moving vehicle after one of the rear tires went flat due to a spike strip, leaving him struggling to control the cruiser. The driverless cruiser wound up knocking down a power pole before coming to a stop in a grassy area next to the freeway. According to the CHP, the pursuit began sometime around 11:45 a.m. in the area of the 5 Freeway and Hasley Canyon Road. It appears the suspect was involved in a two-car collision and when CHP arrived on scene, the suspect somehow managed to jump in the patrol car and drive off. There were no reports of an officer being injured, according to the CHP. According to CHP, patrol cars are supposed to be locked with the engine running. Several assault type weapons were locked in the patrol car, and the suspect did not gain access to them, CHP stated. The deceased suspect's identity has not been released. _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Elsie Re: Is Hand Cleaner OK for keyboards? Dear Webby, My keyboards are getting rather filthy, as can be expected with a family. Is it OK to use sanitizing hand cleaner to clean them? Thanks Elsie Dear Elsie Yes, sure. Almost all modern keyboards even survive a dishwasher. However, they all survive a wet sponge with hand cleaner. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Today, March 30 in 1533. Henry VIII divorced his first wife, Catherine of Aragon. 1814. The allied European nations against Napoleon marched into Paris. 1822. Florida became a U.S. territory. 1842. Dr. Crawford W. Long performed the first operation while his patient was anesthetized by ether. 1855. About 5,000 "Border Ruffians" from western Missouri invaded the territory of Kansas and forced the election of a pro-slavery legislature. It was the first election in Kansas. 1856. A peace treaty was signed between England and Russia. (Treaty of Paris) 1858. Hyman L. Lipman of Philadelphia patented the pencil. 1867. The U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million dollars. 1870. The 15th amendment, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race, was passed by the U.S. Congress. 1870. Texas was readmitted to the Union. 1903. Revolutionary activity in the Dominican Republic brought U.S. troops to Santo Domingo to protect American interests. 1905. U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt was chosen to mediate in the Russo-Japanese peace talks. 1909. The Queensboro bridge in New York opened linking Manhattan and Queens. It was the first double decker bridge. 1909. In Oklahoma, Seminole Indians revolted against meager pay for government jobs. 1916. Pancho Villa killed 172 at the Guerrero garrison in Mexico. 1936. Britain announced a naval construction program of 38 warships. 1939. The comic book "Detective Comics #27" appeared on newstands. This comic introduced Batman. 1940. The Japanese set up a puppet government called Manchuko in Nanking, China. 1941. The German Afrika Korps under General Erwin Rommel began its first offensive against British forces in Libya. 1944. The U.S. fleet attacked Palau, near the Philippines. 1945. The U.S.S.R. invaded Austria after World War II. 1946. The Allies seized 1,000 Nazis attempting to revive the Nazi party in Frankfurt. 1947. Lord Mountbatten arrived in India as the new Viceroy. 1950. The invention of the phototransistor was announced. 1950. U.S. President Truman denounced Senator Joe McCarthy as a saboteur of U.S. foreign policy. 1957. Tunisia and Morocco signed a friendship treaty in Rabat. 1964. John Glenn withdrew from the Ohio race for U.S. Senate because of injuries suffered in a fall. 1972. The British government assumed direct rule over Northern Ireland. 1972. The Eastertide Offensive began when North Vietnamese troops crossed into the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) in the northern portion of South Vietnam. 1975. As the North Vietnamese forces moved toward Saigon South Vietnamese soldiers mob rescue jets in desperation. 1981. U.S. President Ronald Reagan was shot and wounded in Washington, DC, by John W. Hinckley Jr. Two police officers and Press Secretary James Brady were also wounded. 1982. The space shuttle Columbia completed its third and its longest test flight after 8 days in space. 1984. The U.S. ended its participation in the multinational peace force in Lebanon. 1987. Vincent Van Gogh's "Sunflowers" was bought for $39.85 million. 1993. In Sarajevo, two Serb militiamen were sentenced to death for war crimes committed in Bosnia. 1993. In the Peanuts comic strip, Charlie Brown hit his first home run. 1994. Serbs and Croats signed a cease-fire to end their war in Croatia while Bosnian Muslims and Serbs continued to fight each other. 1998. Rolls-Royce was purchased by BMW in a $570 million deal. 2002. An unmanned U.S. spy plan crashed at sea in the Southern Philippines. 2002. Suspected Islamic militants set off several grenades at a temple in Indian-controlled Kashmir. Four civilians, four policemen and two attackers were killed and 20 people were injured. 2009. The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey confirmed that the new World Trade Center building would be officially known by its legal name of "One World Trade Center." 2023, smiled.