Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tursday, April 9

Today, April 9 in 
1865 At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E.
Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General
Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home.
Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and
permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though
there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war
was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed
360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops.

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be
prepared to see them misunderstood.
--- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

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Today's Bonehead Award: Wichita police arrest 70-year-old convicted sex offender for rape __________________________________________ A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine???" __________________________________________ __________________________________________ What do you mean, 'leering?' Her boobs are obstructing my view. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by DonaldThompson, 70, Wichita, Kansas

Wichita police arrest 70-year-old convicted sex offender for rape

Wichita police have arrested a 70-year-old convicted child sex offender accused of raping a woman he met at The Lord's Diner. Officers responded at around 3:30 p.m. on Monday, March 23 to the report of a rape in the 200 block of North Topeka. Police spokesperson Paul Cruz said officers learned that Donald Thompson had arrived at The Lord's Diner and contacted a 47-year-old woman. "Thompson and the female victim left the location and walked back to Thompson’s apartment, where she was sexually assaulted," Officer Cruz said in a news release. "The case was presented to the Sedgwick County District Attorney’s office, who charged Donald Thompson." Thompson was booked into jail late the following day, records show. Additional information was not released. The Kansas offender registry states Thompson was convicted in 2003 of raping a 13-year-old girl in Arkansas.
DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Elaine Re: PDF Converter Dear DearWebby I maintain a member list for a non profit group but the head agency sends PDF. I need to be able to use the info in different ways so convert to a doc format. I have used one I found online but it is limited to the number of free uses. Wondering if you know of any free converter without having to purchase a bells and whistles program that I don't need. Many Thanks - have been a subscriber for many years and read every day !! Have even used the odd tip !!! Elaine Dear Elaine I have used Nitro Reader for about 25 years, maybe more. At the time I got it, it was free. The reader is still free, the writer, for writing eBooks, is not free. I have also used Foxit from Free PDF writers are at writer.html Have FUN! DearWebby

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: Your Internet #147

To err is human.  To really mess up, one needs
a computer.... or an absence of a mind.


These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin
or were announced in a church service:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending
the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us
kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way
again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:  "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They
need all the help they can get.

Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm --prayer and
medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.


"What She Says:   What She Really Means:"

"We need"   I want
"This Kitchen is so ____"  I want a new house
"I want new curtains"  and carpet, and
furniture, and ...
"I need a new pair of shoes"  the other 40 are all the
wrong color
"I only need a soap dish"  We'll check out ALL the
sale items 
"Those are a bargain"
 Did you bring your checkbook ?
"Does this dress look OK ?"  I need a new wardrobe
"Look at this coat!"  Is VISA maxed out ?
"You're so attentive tonight"  Is sex all you ever
think about ?
"It's just... I'm soooo tired"
 Get away from me, you crazy sex maniac
"It's been such a hectic day"  Get away from me, you
crazy maniac
"Hon! I just did my hair"   Get away from me, you crazy
"Are the kids asleep?"
 Get away from me, you crazy maniac
"Won't you be late for work ?"
 Get away from me, you crazy maniac
"Turn out the lights first"  My thighs looked flabby
"Of course I like making love"
 Is this gonna take much longer ?
"You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower
"You have such a manly scent"  For Lord's sake. Use
some deodorant
"My, don't you look comfortable"  Go put on a shirt, slob
"So nice to see you relaxing"   Don't sit around in your
"I'm not upset !"   Of course I'm upset, you moron
"I'm not emotional!"   You'd be too, if you
married an idiot 
"I'm not mad at all"   I can't believe you're
that stupid
"Yes, I'm still talking to you"   I can't believe you're
that stupid
"I'm not being quiet"   I can't believe you're
that stupid
"Nothing is wrong"   Other than you're such
an butthole
"Hang the picture there"   NO -- there !  Can't you
listen ?
"Hon, I hate to interrupt..."   Turn off the damn TV
"When you get a chance ..."   Get up & do it right now !
"When you get time ... "   Get up & do it right now !
"I just remembered ..."   Get up & do it right now !
"No hurry, but ..."   Get up & do it right now !
"Did you lock the front door ?"   Get up & go check, now !
"I think I heard a noise"   Get up & go check, now !


A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"

The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today April 9
0193 In the Balkans, the distinguished soldier Septimius
Seversus was proclaimed emperor by the army in Illyricum.

0715 Constantine ended his reign as Catholic Pope.

1241 In the Battle of Liegnitz, Mongol armies defeated the
Poles and the Germans.

1454 The city states of Venice, Milan and Florence signed a
peace agreement at Lodi, Italy.

1667 In Paris, The first public art exhibition was held at
the Palais-Royale.

1682 Robert La Salle claimed the lower Mississippi River and
all lands that touch it for France.

1770 Captain James Cook discovered Botany Bay on the
Australian continent.

1865 At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E.
Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General
Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home.
Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and
permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though
there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war
was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed
360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops.

1867 The U.S. Senate ratified the treaty with Russia that
purchased the territory of Alaska by one vote.

1869 The Hudson Bay Company ceded its territory to Canada.

1872 S.R. Percy received a patent for dried milk.

1900 British forces routed the Boers at Kroonstadt, South

1905 The first aerial ferry bridge went into operation in
Duluth, MN.

1914 In London, the first full-color film, "The World, The
Flesh & the Devil," was shown.

1916 The German army launched it’s third offensive during
the Battle of Verdun.

1917 The Battle of Arras began as Canadian troops began a
massive assault on Vimy Ridge.

1918 Latvia proclaimed its independence.

1921 The Russo-Polish conflict ended with signing of Riga

1928 Mae West made her debut on Broadway in the production
of "Diamond Lil."

1940 Germany invaded Norway and Denmark.

1942 In the Battle of Bataan, American and Filipino forces
were overwhelmed by the Japanese Army.

1945 At Bari, Italy, the Liberty exploded and killed 360
people. The ship was carrying aerial bombs.

1947 169 people were killed and 1,300 were injured by a
series of tornadoes in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas.

1957 The Suez Canal was cleared for all shipping.

1959 NASA announced the selection of America's first seven

1963 Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S.

1965 "TIME" magazine featured a cover with the entire
"Peanuts" comic gang.

1967 The first Boeing 737 was rolled out for use.

1976 The U.S. and Russia agreed on the size of nuclear tests
for peaceful use.

1981 The U.S. Submarine George Washington struck and sunk a
small Japanese freighter in the East China Sea. The Nissho
Maru's captain and first mate died.

1983 The space shuttle Challenger concluded it first flight.

1984 Nicaragua asked the World Court to declare U.S. support
for guerilla raids illegal.

1985 Japanese Premier Nakasone urged Japanese people to buy
foreign products.

1987 Dikye Baggett became the first person to undergo
corrective surgery for Parkinson’s disease.

1988 The U.S. imposed economic sanctions on Panama.

1989 16 civilians were killed during rioting in Soviet

1989 Hundreds of thousands marched past the White House in
support of the right to abortion.

1991 Georgia voted to secede from the U.S.S.R.

1992 Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted in
Miami, FL, of eight drug and racketeering charges.

1998 The National Prisoner of War Museum opened in
Andersonville, GA, at the site of an infamous Civil War

1998 More than 150 Muslims died in stampede in Mecca, Saudi
Arabia, on last day of the haj pilgrimage.

1999 In Djibouti, Ismail Omar Guelleh of the ruling Popular
Rally for Progress and the Front for the Restoration of
Unity and Democracy was elected president.

1999 In Niger, President Ibrahim Baré Maïnassara was
assassinated. Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president
two days later.

, that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from

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