Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, August 21

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone 
screen in school parent pick-up line
 Bonehead
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Today, Aug 21 in
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took possession of Santa Fe, NM. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
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Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
--- Rita Mae Brown
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Just like there is supposedly a "Husband Store",
Martin reports there also is a "Wives" store.
In contrast: A new WIVES STORE opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, like to cook and
have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Nobody knows what is up there.

-----------
I sure would like to find out where that store is!

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Actual statments from car insurance claims...
(and they give these people drivers licenses, GEEZ)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary
than I thought.'

'A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in
the air and his head went through the windscreen and then
rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The
car then sped off and miraculously our client remained
conscious and managed to cross the road.'

'Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is
extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank
you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement.'

'The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was
concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost,
denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The
signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for
Accident Repairs'.'

'I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the
time.'

'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the
bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and
smothered it with a blanket.'

Q: 'Could either driver have done anything to avoid the
accident?' 
A: 'Travelled by bus?'

'I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching
lorries, and another on the woman behind'.

'I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel
and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction
caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.'

'I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant
plastic mouse' 

'I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled
back and wrote off my Volvo'.

'On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but
the other car didn't give way.'

'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly
broke.' 

'The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me.'

'Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the
motorcycle approached from nowhere and collided with my car.'

'Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into
Irish Sea.'

'Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they
were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me
by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the
face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect
properly so I kicked him in the shin.'

'Travelling along road and was hit by vehicle'.

'I hooted at the pedestrian but he stared at me.'

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions
and answers on the claim form were: 
Q - What warning was given by you? 
A -Horn 
Q - What warning was given by the other party? 
A - Moo

'On approaching roundabout I could see no vehicles coming
from my right when suddenly the car in front braked and I hit
him in the rear.'

'I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the
pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost
control.'

'I was riding my motorbike under the influence of cannabis
when I was chased by the police and stacked my bike.'

'I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight!'

'I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had
convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.'

'Mr X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his
wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?'

'No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after
it happened.'

'I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not
have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any
risk.'

'While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was
enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three
fat brown money (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an
anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated request
to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43
seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in
'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.'

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other
pastimes of a hazardous nature? 
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

'First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a
haggis ran into the rear of second car.'

'Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.'

'The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit
him again.'

'We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car
when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies'
loo.'

'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.'

'Mr O'Leary had his springs attended to.'

One policyholder, driving down a road, knocked over a
pedestrian. The claim form revealed that the pedestrian's
name was J Walker.

'I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when
I put my head through it'.

'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face'.

'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car'.

'I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.'

'I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him.'

'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over
him.'

'I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced
off the hood of my car!'

'The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.'

'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to
swerve out of the way when it struck the front end.'

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______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Christina Hester, 
39, 
Fort Myers, 
Floriduh

Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone 
screen in school parent pick-up line

Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers, was arrested on Tuesday
for allegedly snorting cocaine in her car in the parents'
pick-up line at Lexington Middle School.

A school resource officer said they witnessed Hester chopping
up a white powdery substance on her iPhone screen using a
credit card, according to a Lee County Sheriff's Office
report. The report said she snorted the substance with a cut
straw.

The officer had her get out of the car and go up to his
office, where he made the arrest.

The officer field-tested the substance, which tested positive
for cocaine. The total package weight was 0.5 grams.

Hester is in custody on $6,500 bail, facing charges of
cocaine possession and
possession of drug paraphernalia.

The make and model of her car were not listed in a sheriff's
office report. It's not entirely clear whether she is the
parent of a student at the school. The report said the
Department of Children and Families was contacted.


_________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Bruce
Re: BCC
Dear Webby,
I receive forwarded e-mails with lots of valid addresses in
them. I've been bugging people to cut and paste just the
contents and to use BCC on e-mails.  I contend that it will
prevent lots of valid e-mail addresses from eventually being
forwarded inadvertently to spammers.  This doesn't always
make me popular, because it's slightly more difficult.  Am I
just blowing smoke here? Thanks for the newsletter,
Bruce

Dear Bruce
You are 100% right.
Most of those silly forwards are just gullibility traps
started by spammers. They want to harvest the most gullible
newbies, so that they can sell their snake oil and fake
Rolexes to them, and get them subscribed to Honest Abe's
Stockmarket Tips.

Have FUN!
DearWebby





Thanks to Ross for this classic!

Emanuel Macron, The French President, is sitting in his
office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Macron!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am
ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
ye!"

"Well, Paddy," Macron replied, "This is indeed important
news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there
is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and
the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Macron paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000
men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Macron,
the war is stil on. We have managed to get us some infantry
equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Macron asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm
tractor," answers Paddy.

Macron sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I
have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to
you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Macron, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a
couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the
Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat "I
must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter
planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have
increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring
you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the
mornin', Mr. Macron!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the
war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Macron. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of
Guinness, and decided there is no damn way we can feed
200,000 prisoners."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Line Drying Clothing Tips and Tricks 

By andrea.henderso80 [3 Posts, 99 Comments]
Using a clothesline outside or a drying rack inside can help
save in more than one way. Drip or line drying saves on the
electric bill because you aren't using the dryer as much or
adding heat to the A/C load by using the dryer. It also saves
your clothes because it won't shrink them or wear them out as
fast and helps them stay bright and new looking longer.

If you need to fluff them up a little or remove those stiff
wrinkles, then while they are just a little bit damp, put
them in the dryer on low heat with a couple of tennis balls
for a little bit. Or after they are dry, put them in the
dryer with a damp towel on low heat and again add tennis
balls. You will be amazed! The combination of the low heat
and a little dampness has a way of releasing wrinkles and the
tennis balls add the fluff.

You don't really need heat for fluffing your jeans or
whatever.
Just set the dryer to FLUFF, or DELICATE, no heat, add a
tennis ball or smooth baby's sneaker, and they will fluff up
quite nicely. 

Here it is almost always windy, so line drying takes all
wrinkles out and it is very rarely that I have to use the
dryer.
I set up a clothes line on a reel from the porch to the
garage. I can hang clothes even in the rain, while I am under
the porch roof, and let the rain give the clothes an extra
soft rinse. They will  dry when the rain stops, then I pull
the line and have the clothes come to me.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

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 Science tricks 
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Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could
ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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 Awesome video compiled by a storm chaser and music to go with the incredible video.
2017. 
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Thanks to Ross for these stats:
Doctors:
 (A) The number of doctors in the US is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are
120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of the US Dept. of Health &Human Services

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes
that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age
groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is
0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more
dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We should
ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld
statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people
to panic and seek medical attention.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes
and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you
subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

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Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat
their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken
sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken
sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't
you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said
"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are!
Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he
brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken
sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants
for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you!
You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!!

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Today, August 21, in 
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took
possession of Santa Fe, NM. 

1831 Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection
in Virginia. He was later executed. 

1841 A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton.


1878 The American Bar Association was formed by a group of
lawyers, judges and law professors in Saratoga, NY. 

1888 The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs. 

1912 Arthur R. Eldred became the first American boy to become
an Eagle Scout. It is the highest rank in the Boy Scouts of
America. 

1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed
forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their
partner. 

1943 Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska
had been the last North American foothold held by the
Japanese. 

1945 U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that
had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies
during World War II. 

1959 Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower
also issued the order for the 50 star flag. 

1963 In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops
and police began to crackdown on the Buddhist anti-government
protesters. 

1989 Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune
moon called Triton. 

1991 The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail
Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse was
led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin. 

1993 NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. The
fate of the spacecraft is unknown. The mission cost $980
million. 

1996 The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
of 1996 was signed by U.S. President Clinton. The act made it
easier to obtain and keep health insurance. 

1997 Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it
had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was
potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was the
largest food recall in U.S. history. 

1997 Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the
United States. 

2002 In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf
unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He extended
his term in office and granted himself powers that included
the right to dissolve parliament. 

2003 In Ghana, businessman Gyude Bryant was selected to
oversee the two-year power-sharing accord between Liberia's
rebels and the government. The accord was planned to guide
the country out of 14 years of civil war.

2017  smiled.
 
 

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Have FUN !
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