Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, July 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Happy independence Day to Cesar, Gretchen 
and all other friends in Peru!


Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman arrested for drunken, topless road-rage assault
 Boneheads
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Today, July 28 in
1866 The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for
the standardization of weights and measures throughout the
United States. 
The United States is still the only industrialized country in
the world that does not use the metric system as its predominant
system of measurement, 
except for electricians and scientists. After 150 years the
metric system is creeping in, though. Wine and pop is sold in
metric units, many grocery items have both metric and Imperial
British units printed on them, and while vehicles are still
advertised as so many feet long, below the paint everything is
metric. 
 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
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If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
--- Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
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I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for
an upcoming wedding (not mine!). I found one that matched my
suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk,
"Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of
money."

He said, "Maybe, but with your neck, shoes would look silly."
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One day at the dry-cleaning shop at Charleston Air Force Base,
I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he
wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.  When he finished,
the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you
have an important military function to attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave,
and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for
'Show-n-Tell.' "
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He is MINE!
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Thanks to Moe for reporting this one:

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Susan Kettell, 
39,
Sandwich,
Massawhosits

Woman arrested for drunken, topless road-rage assault

A woman in Massachusetts is facing several felony charges after
allegedly waving a dagger at another driver while topless in an
apparent drunken road-rage attack.

Susan Kettell, 39, of Sandwich, was driving a blue Ford Explorer
on Saturday when police received a call from another driver who
claimed the woman tried to crash into the victim's car. Kettell
then pulled behind the victim's vehicle at a red light and
began
waving a double-edged dagger, the Sandwich Police Department
announced Monday.

Kettell then allegedly got out of the Explorer and ripped off
her shirt before running bare-chested toward the victim's car
while flailing the knife. The caller who contacted police,
meanwhile, drove off, police said.

Kettell, who police say was intoxicated at the time, was later
found and placed under arrest. A male passenger inside her car
was also intoxicated and was placed in protective custody,
police said.

Kettel was charged with operating under the influence, operating
on a revoked driver's license, assault with a dangerous weapon
and other charges, police said. No injuries were reported.

Sorry, that mugshot is the only picture of Susan Kettell on the
web.

_________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Chris
Re: "You have won"
Dear Webby,
I have gotten an e-mail from these people that I 
had won a prize.
 I have listed with 'Woman's Day' magazine for things to win.
There was nothing in the e-mail about it being from Woman's
Day magizine.  I'm not sure if I should respond or not.  Your
information has always been the best so far on the web,
can/could you help me with this one.  It's isn't that much, but
would help out the daughter if it's really true.

Thanks again for the jokes/funnies/web help.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Chris

Dear Chris
You may already be a winner, ... yeah sure.
Trash it.

They all want your address to send spam to you.
Some of them even want money to supposedly get your
winnings to you.
Just trash their scam spam.

If you really did win something, they would tell you
outright, and not pester you with all kinds of confusion
and hype.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he
was going to be stationed a long way from home on a
remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks
after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby
of some kind I would not be so tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why
don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he
rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't
wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate
love!"

"First let's see you play that harmonica!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Pen Ink From Leaking in Your Purse

One easy way to prevent pen ink from leaking in your purse
or briefcase is to store your pens in plastic travel toothbrush
holder. Even pens with caps can sometimes break and leak.
Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com
 
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drinking helium infused beer 
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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much
to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Any idiot can open an oyster."
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 Who wouldn't love to have a library like this in their home? 
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A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific
Ocean.When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much
 that he decides to stay.  But first he must find a job. He
walks
into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application
as an "Experienced logger."

It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.

But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush
in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and
points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to
tell me what species it is and how many board feet of
lumber it contains."

The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka Spruce and
contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed.  He puts the truck in motion
and stops again about a mile down the road.  He points
at another tree through the passenger door window.
He asks the same question.

This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a
Douglas Fir, it has 690 board feet." says the Newfie.
Now the foreman is really impressed.  The Newfie has
answered quickly and got the answers right without even
using a calculator! One more test.

They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman
stops again.  This time, he points across the road through
his driver side window. "And what about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says,
"A Yellow cedar,242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the
office. He's a little annoyrf because he thinks that the
Newfie is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the
foreman stops the truck, and asks the Newfie to step
outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him,
"See  that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the
front of that tree."

The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know
which is the front of the tree? "

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a
circle while looking at the ground.  He then reaches up
and places a white X on the trunk.
He comes back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically,
"How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while moving the toe of
his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies,
"Cuz someone used the back side for an outhouse."

He got the job!!



Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes
and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you
subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

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Thanks to Cookie for this valuable information:
Installing a wireless security system in four easy steps

1.  Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's well
used work boots, a really big pair, at least a size 13.

2.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
'Guns and Ammo' magazine.

3.  Put a dog dish beside it.  A really big dish.

4. Leave a note on your front door that says something
like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo,
be back in 1/2 hour. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've
just been wormed and are a bit nasty."

____________________________________________________

Today, on July 28, in 1821 Peru declared its independence from Spain. 1866 The metric system was legalized by the U.S. Congress for the standardization of weights and measures throughout the United States. 1868 The Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was declared in effect. The amendment guaranteed due process of law. 1896 The city of Miami, FL, was incorporated. 1932 Federal troops forcibly dispersed the "Bonus Army" of World War I veterans who had gathered in Washington, DC. They were demanding money they were not scheduled to receive until 1945. 1941 Plans for the Pentagon were approved by the U.S. House of Representatives. 1942 L.A. Thatcher received a patent for a coin-operated mailbox. The device stamped envelopes when money was inserted. 1945 A U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York City's Empire State Building. 14 people were killed and 26 were injured. 1951 The Walt Disney film "Alice in Wonderland" was released. 1965 U.S. President Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000. 1982 San Francisco, CA, became the first city in the U.S. to ban handguns. 1998 Bell Atlantic and GTE announced $52 billion deal that created the second-largest phone company. 1998 Serbian military forces seized the Kosovo town of Malisevo. 1998 Monica Lewinsky received blanket immunity from prosecution to testify before a grand jury about her relationship with U.S. President Clinton. 2006 Researchers announced that two ancient reptiles had been found off Australia. The Umoonasaurus and Opallionectes were the first of their kind to be found in the period soon after the Jurassic era. 2017 smiled.

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Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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