1 cup water 
1 cup sugar 
4 large eggs 
2 cups dried fruit 
1 teaspoon baking soda 
1 teaspoon salt 
1 cup brown sugar 
lemon juice 
1 bottle of whiskey.
Take a large bowl.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 
Doublecheck the whiskey again to be sure it is really whiskey. 
Rinse out one large bowl with whiskey and pour the rinse into a cup.
Pouring the cup back into the bottle would be messy, so it is better 
to drink that cup.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. 
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and a few drops of whiskey and beat again. 
To avoid pouring too much whiskey or getting the bottle knocked
out of your hand, it is a good idea to pour the whiskey into a cup and 
using a spoon to measure the liquid. 
Empty the remainder of the cup so as not to confuse measurements 
that will be required later.
If the mixer flings the spoon across the kitchen, try it again with the
mixer turned off. 
Empty the remainder of the cup so as not to confuse measurements 
that will be required later.
Oh, and remember to mix on the turner 
after adding a few drops of whiskey.
Let it run for a while or so.
Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the 
cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. 
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose 
with a drewscriver. 
It is uschually easier to do that if you turn the mixer off first.

Fruit getting schtuck in the beaters is a sign that the mixture is 
too dry. Add a teaspoon of whiskey.
No, to the stuff in the bowl. You can drink the rest of the cup.
Turn on the whatchamacallit.
Next, sift one cup of salt, no sorry, make that schugar. 
But not schugar cubes. They don't sift very well. IcingSchugar
works OK and is less hassle than those McDonalds sugar envelopes.
Remember to empty the cup before you sift the sugar into it, 
otherwise it's going to be really messy.
If the mess in the cup is too sweet to drink, try spooning it 
into the mixer bowl.
If you can't find where the mixer flung the schpoon, just use your
Turn of that schtoopid machine and use your fingers
to squish the mess from the cup into the mixerer.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. 
Spoon. Of baking soda or something. Whatever you can find. 
Throw all the other stuff that you got ready into the mixer.
Turn it on. 
Take the spoon out of the mixerer and use it to scrape up as
much of the mesch asch you can find and put it in a mixer
bowl that isch not broken. Turn the schilly maschine on again.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. 
Beat off the turner and squish the mess into the cake tin. 
Rinse the cup and empty it. Oh, don't ferget to put the
cake tin in the oven.

Have a little sip of whischkey, 
if there isch any left, 
to shelebrate that the worscht isch over.

When the smoke detector goes off, the cake isch done.
Take it out of the oven and put it outschide. 
Way outschide. Schtay outschide until the schtoopid
schmoke detector schtops schcreeching or you get
one heck of a headache from thisch fantchy cooking.

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